"So, where is your home?" had been one of the first questions Lida had asked her.
She was intending to be friendly and make conversation, but it made Nicky feel very much on the spot as she made some vague comment about the neighbourhood her apartment was located in. It might be close and she might be free now, but she still felt as far away from home as ever.
Or maybe it was just suddenly being confronted with the truth that she had never had a home that was bothering her. That the closest she had ever gotten to feeling that warmth had been in a prison, and after mere hours in this family's company she now understood that what Red had managed to create for her at Litchfield was only a morsel of what she must have been capable of.
Instincts still guided so much of what the mind had abandoned. Nicky saw it in the way Red responded to her newest granddaughter, Emilia, and the way she looked at her as though it would never be enough. Red loved on her like a most precious doll, and now that the baby was nearly six months old, Lida felt more comfortable indulging it. She regularly pumped her breasts just so there'd be enough for a bedtime bottle. Nicky saw the way that Red's eyes lit up when she was allowed to cradle Emilia in her arms and feed her her bottle. Lida let her do that every night and it was actually incredible to see that she still knew exactly what to do.
"I'd apologize for the chaos, but it's always like this," Lida said, kicking some toys out of the way with her foot as she walked through the living room.
"It's great," Nicky assured her, and it was.
It was exactly the way a home should be, in Nicky's opinion. All the things that her house growing up never was. There hadn't been a dull moment since she'd walked through the door.
Koyla and Vera raced around playing with one another and making lots of noise, which nobody seemed to mind. Up and down the stairs they ran, and in and out of the backyard where Vasily had spent the afternoon in the shed where he kept his tools. Lida busied herself in the kitchen preparing their supper, washing the dishes as she went along, and hosting Nicky and her baby at the same time, who gurgled and bounced merrily in the exersaucer set up beside the table.
Red was engaged and comfortable there as well, and it was increasingly clear to Nicky that she was exactly where she belonged. The kids' antics seemed to amuse her and Lida interacted with her just as naturally as Vasily did. She'd hugged her hello when they'd arrived home and then gotten her to help with dinner, addressing her mainly in Russian like Vasily had.
Though it was bittersweet to accept that all had been fine without her, it warmed Nicky's heart to see that Red's family wanted her. They had gone above and beyond to fit her into their already overwhelming lives. Lida had shown Nicky her bedroom; a safety-proofed quiet space she had to herself filled with dolls, books, and toys. They checked on her constantly and made her comfortable, and though Lida had made some comments about Nicky coming over for dinner the following week, what Nicky felt was the right thing to do was just leave this family in peace to continue on without her intrusion.
"I'm glad you're here," Lida said, correctly guessing what was flowing through Nicky's mind. She handed her a coffee mug, which she had already added two heaping teaspoons of cream to the way Nicky had said she liked it.
"I haven't had a woman my age to really to since Emilia was born," she explained. "It's one thing I'll look forward to when I decide to go back to work."
"Does that get lonely?" Nicky asked.
It seemed odd to question if a woman with three children, a devoted husband, and a mother-in-law in her care in this small house could be lonely, but she supposed in some ways it made sense. Or perhaps Lida was just trying to make her feel better about being there. Not that any of them really knew her enough to tell, but Nicky had been strangely quiet and at a loss for words most of this afternoon.
"It does," Lida nodded. She tucked her feet underneath her on the other end of the sofa. "It was hardest for me when Koyla was born though because I didn't know what I was doing and Vasily was always gone, so I was on my own."
"I'd be terrified," Nicky said. "But maybe it's just because babies scare me in general."
Lida smiled. "They scared me too," she said, bringing her own cup to her lips and taking a sip.
"I am glad you asked me to stay though," Nicky said sincerely.
She was so grateful to be able to witness the beautiful way in which Red seemed to temporarily find herself again in feeding the baby. She was such a natural at it. You would never even know she was sick, and couldn't even identify the people in the room with her if she wanted to, because she looked so confident and like herself in that moment.
"Nooooooo!" Vera shrieked as she thundered down the stairs and then raced into the living room where all three women, and the baby, looked over at her in surprise.
"Ahhhh," she screamed as she dove onto the floor and bumped against Nicky's legs in the crash. She had not a stitch of clothing on her aside from her little mermaid panties.
"Whoa," Lida exclaimed, as Nicky quickly saved her coffee from spillage by gripping it with both of her hands. "What do you think you're doing? Crazy girl!"
"Daddy's a monster!" Vera giggled.
"Daddy's a monster, and you're starting to resemble a swamp monster with that crazy hair of yours," Lida told her. "I think you've got some ice cream in it."
"No, I'm not!" Vera protested. She clenched a fistful of her long red hair and held it up to her mom. "I'm a mermaid, remember?"
"Oh, right," Lida said, her eyes twinkling, as Vasily walked into the room.
"What are you doing down here?" he asked his daughter. "I told you once Koyla finished that you were going in the tub."
Vera laughed. "I wanted you to get me, Daddy."
"Do I look like I have the energy to chase you all over the house?" Vasily demanded.
"Well, you did get down here rather fast," Lida pointed out. She leaned forward to set her mug down on the coffee table, then she swung her feet onto the floor and stood up.
"Do you want Emmy to have a bath tonight?" Vasily asked.
"Might as well," Lida nodded.
Emilia had finished her bottle but was still lying contentedly in her Grandmother's arms. Nicky was kind of curious to see how Lida was intending to pick her up, because she had a feeling that Red would not give her up willingly. Internally, Nicky just wished they would let them be, but she said nothing and glanced at Vera who had been trying to sneak off again to evade bathtime, only to be blocked by her father in the doorway.
"It's time for baby to go to bed," Lida explained in Russian. She picked Emilia up swiftly, before Red had a chance to react or try to stop her. Lida kissed her daughter's cherub cheek, as the baby kicked her legs and gurgled.
"It's bedtime," Lida repeated. "Time to say goodnight."
She allowed Red to kiss Emilia's pudgy little feet and stroke her tiny hands before she backed away to hand her to Vasily.
"Upstairs, now," Vasily was saying to Vera.
"Now, honey," Lida echoed, passing the baby into Vasily's arms.
"But Mama-"
"Go," Lida said. Vera grumbled and huffed but she did as she was told. Turning on her heel and them stomping her way down the hallway and all the way upstairs.
"Well…" Vasily adjusted Emilia on his hip and looked at Nicky. "If I don't see you again before you go, just wanted to say goodnight."
"Thank you for everything," Nicky said sincerely.
She was extremely grateful. It had been a very long day, and probably an even longer one for him. The drive together, the hours she had already spent in his home, and now supper had ended, he had done much more than duty would call, and yet she was still here. At Lida's invitation, but still.
"I'm sure I'll see you again soon," Vasily said.
"Maybe on the weekend?" Lida chimed in. "When your brothers are home? It would be nice for everyone to meet, I think."
Vasily and Nicky both eyed her as she spoke and then quickly glanced at one another before they looked away again. Vasily nodded his head as his wife, and Nicky followed his lead and nodded her head too. Across the room, and bored of them all now that the baby was not in her arms, Red picked up the empty bottle and walked with it into the kitchen to put it in the sink.
"You're sure you don't need a ride?" Vasily asked, as Lida quietly walked out of the room to see how Red was making out in the kitchen.
"No, I'll call a cab in a few minutes," Nicky assured him.
He took Emilia upstairs and Nicky sat alone on the sofa in the empty living room, sipping at her coffee. She could hear Lida speaking Russian in the kitchen and the two older kids sounded like they were bickering with one another above her.,It was a lively house, settling down for the evening. Nicky knew it was time to go. The children were getting put down and she imagined Red couldn't be too far behind them, especially when she wandered back in a few minutes later wearing a pair of pajamas that Lida must have changed her into.
"Hey," Nicky leaned her elbows on her lap, trying to get her attention. She wasn't sure how she should address her now, so she called her nothing. Mom seemed inappropriate now, Red wasn't here anymore, and Galina just sounded strange to her.
"I have to go to my house, but I'll come back and visit you again soon," Nicky told her, watching Red lower herself down onto the floor. The toys were still everywhere, even though Lida had kicked them into piles so nobody would trip. Red started picking them up one by one and putting them into the toy box.
"I'll help you," Nicky said. She slid off of the couch and crawled over to her on her hands and knees. She picked up a block and silently tossed it into the toy box. Red watched it's progress through the air and then looked back at Nicky.
"Sorry, did you want to do that?" Nicky asked her. She tried it out by passing Red the next block. Red accepted it and then held out her hand for another. When Nicky gave her the second block, she banged them together a few times. Then she put them away. So it continued.
"Oh, that's much better," Lida exclaimed, walking back into the room a few minutes later with a pastry plate and a cup in each hand. Everything was put away now, except for a stuffed bear Red hadn't wanted to let go of when Nicky gave it to her.
"Come sit down and I have some sharlotka and a nice warm drink for you," Lida said. "Come on."
Red didn't this time though. She was looking at Nicky. Her expression was one of mild curiosity, not of wonder or knowing. She wasn't searching Nicky's face trying to figure out who she was, she was past that and it didn't really matter to her anymore. Yet, it pleased Nicky just to have her focus for a few moments. It was so hard to get her attention and now that she had it she wasn't going to let it go.
"Don't you want your snack?" Nicky covered Red's hand with her own and stroked her thumb gently over the raised veins.
Still with her eyes on Nicky's face, Red raised her hand from the stuffed bear and gripped hard onto Nicky's. She squeezed it tightly, and Nicky gently pulled her back up to her feet and guided her over to the armchair. Once she sat her down, Lida brought over a mug full of some warmed up milk to 'help her sleep' she explained. It seemed gross to Nicky, but Red didn't seem to mind it, and Lida had given her a small piece of apple cake to eat with it.
"Two cream again?" Lida asked, picking up both their empty mugs from the coffee table. Nicky had just been about to ask for a phone to call a cab, but she found herself nodding her head instead.
"Sure," she said, not about to argue. It wasn't like there was anything pressing waiting for her when she showed up to her apartment building. The only one there to welcome her would be the same crusty old doorman who probably was still angry about the time he'd had to replace the window after she smashed it. Marka and he had been friends for year, and even all the way in Brazil, Nicky was sure her mother would be kept up to speed on all her comings and goings.
"Well, if you wanted somebody out of your house, you wouldn't be offering them more coffee, right?" Nicky said to Red, who stared at her and took a bite of the cake Lida had brought her to have with the milk.
"Alright, good, we agree then," Nicky told her with a smile. She used her thumb to wipe some crumbs from Red's lips.
"I just feel lost," Nicky confessed quietly to her. "You know something about that, huh? This world is just so confusing and you never can never really be sure you're doing the right thing."
Red was drinking the milk in her cup, but her eyes were still on Nicky's face. She likely didn't understand a word, but she knew she was being spoken to. She could see the sincerity in Nicky's voice, and she still cared very much.
"I have nobody now," Nicky said, her voice wavering very slightly. "You're all I have...and yet you aren't even mine anymore, and even if you were, you don't even know it anyway. So that just leaves me feeling…lost."
It was the most honest she had been with herself in years. She was free to live her life her way now, but she had wasted all the time she could have spent planning. on fantasies about what could never be. She knew it was wrong, but she felt such jealousy towards Vasily in the pit of her stomach. That he had had her all of those years growing up, that he still had her now, and that he was surrounded by such a wonderful family that even without his mother, he would never know the true pain of being all alone. It was like grieving so many different realities all at once.
"You need to try the sharlotka, Nicky," Lida announced, coming back into the living room with the coffee. "It's like an apple pie, but better."
"You made it from scratch?" Nicky asked her.
"Mhmm," Lida nodded. "My specialty."
Nicky helped herself to a small piece and accepted the coffee before taking a seat back on the sofa. She watched Red finish her milk and cake, and ignore Lida's attempt to take the dishes from her. She got up and walked into the kitchen to put them in the sink herself. She was good that way, and loved to clean and organize which went well until she put things away in places nobody could ever find it. That was the price you paid for not putting your own things away in the first place though.
"You must be overwhelmed," Lida stated matter-of-factly, sinking down into the armchair that Red had vacated. She reached behind her, to pull out the bear she had sat on and tossed it across the room into the toy box.
"I don't know where to begin," Nicky admitted.
'Do you think being here helped with that or made it worse?" Lida asked.
"It helped, I guess," Nicky shrugged. "She's doing as well as can be expected, thanks to all of you. I couldn't imagine doing everything that you do in a day. Just watching you made me feel tired."
"I think it's better than not having enough to do," Lida said slowly. "That's kind of what I was wondering about you...what are you going to do when you go home?"
"I have no idea," Nicky said. "I'm nervous about it, to be honest. I'm used to having literally no personal space to mention, and now I'm going to be all alone. I know it probably sounds like a dream to you, but still…"
"Is there nobody you can call?" Lida asked. "I know you said your mother lives in Brazil now, but-"
"There's nobody," Nicky said flatly. "Only-"
She cut off as Red wandered back into the living room. She wasn't looking at them. She went to the tv stand and pulled open a couple of drawers, rummaging through them. She dropped different items onto the floor before giving up and going to look in a couple of cabinets in the wall unit. Clearly she was looking for something.
"Do you want this?" Lida had gotten out the armchair and pulled out a rumpled quilt that had fallen behind it.. She seemed to have guessed correctly, as Red walked back over to her with her hand held out for it and clutched it close to herself. She looked over to where Nicky was seated and walked over. Unfolding it when she got close enough for Nicky to admire.
"Wow," Nicky said enthusiastically.
"One of the volunteers at the center made it to her," Lida explained, putting the items Red had taken out of the cabinets away and closing the drawers. "They're very popular. It's called a fidget blanket. We got her a second one for her bed upstairs so she doesn't have to be without."
"It's beautiful," Nicky said, reaching her hand out to touch a plush mini penguin that was dangling from it. "I think I had a beanie baby just like this guy before."
It was a colourful canvas of beautiful patterns. Some squares had personal photographs inside plastic covers. There were buttons on it, a zipper that could be pulled up and down, and buckles to snap and unsnap. Mittens were sewn onto it that she could actually slip her hands into. There was yarn that looked almost like hair, that could be braided. A rattle hung off of it that could be shook and a bead maze looped across it.
"I like it," she smiled. What she liked even more was Red engaging with her. Showing her things she cared about and seeking her out. Nicky had only been with her for half a day but she could tell she was growing more comfortable, and it gave her hope that she might be able to feel a bit less of an intruder on this family's life.
"Do you want to sit with me?" Nicky asked her, patting the spot next to her on the couch.
It was almost as if Red had just been waiting for an invitation to get closer. She sat down on the couch beside her, as close as she could be. The blanket in her hand she draped across Nicky's and her own lap. She wanted her to do the puzzles with her. When Nicky moved the zipper up and down she smiled, and then Red moved Nicky's hand over to the buttons and watched closely as Nicky fastened them.
"That's why I wanted you to stay," Lida said, settling back into the armchair with her coffee mug in hand. "I knew she'd warm up if you were here long enough, and I think you needed this more than she did."
"I know I did," Nicky almost choked.
She demonstrated every activity on the blanket for her now. Red focused on her hands, leaning against her. At some point she started resting her head on Nicky's shoulder. Her fingers were flicking lazily at the braids of yarn. It was clear she was getting very tired, but she was as content as could be right now. Nicky would have sat here forever.
"I think there are some things that can't ever be forgotten," Lida said slowly. "Like how our gut tells us when something is wrong for us?"
"I got pretty good at ignoring that down the line," Nicky replied. "But I know what you mean."
"She doesn't know our names, or our faces, or why we're in her business, but she knows love," Lida said. "She wouldn't go up and get that close to you if something in her gut wasn't guiding her to think that was a good idea. I believe that."
"I do too," Nicky said softly. "Or at least I want to."
"Do you want to come back?" Lida asked her gently.
Nicky nodded her head. It wasn't just a want, it was a need, and Lida was right that Nicky needed this even more than Red did. It was all she had in her life that mattered anymore. The promise she had clung to since they'd gotten her diagnosis together. She had promised to be there.
"She was good to me too," Lida shared. "I don't know if you knew, but I've known her since I was a kid. Vasily and I grew up on the same street and were friends for most of our lives. He was there for me when my mother died when I was twelve."
"Cancer," she explained, at Nicky's questioning glance.
"Anyway, after that I spent so much time at their house," Lida continued. "I used to help out in the store just so I'd get time to talk to her about things I would have wanted to ask my own mother about. My Papa was always drowning himself in the bottle and he didn't notice or care what I was doing. If it hadn't been for this family, I would have been all alone and that was the scariest thing to me."
Red seemed oblivious to the words being said, not even how they pertained to her, but Nicky was listening. She could see how Lida was relating her own story to Nicky's, and part of her was mildly curious to see where this was going to continue to go. The other part of her was embarassed that in a matter of a few hours she had given off such an impression of a lost soul. Sure, she'd just been picked up from a prison, but still.
"I just don't want you to feel that way either," Lida said. "We're all here for you."
"You don't even know me," Nicky frowned. "I'm just grateful you all allowed me to come see her today. I wouldn't have blamed you if you hadn't."
"Clearly it's what she would have wanted," Lida said. It had taken Red weeks to warm up to the people at the daycare, but she was cuddled up against Nicky as if no time had passed and she knew exactly who she was.
"It's what I want too," Nicky said. "And I mean it, anytime you guys need a break or you know, anything…"
"You can't just live your life waiting around to see if she is going to need something," Lida said matter-of-factly.
Red was rolling the palm of her hand over the rattle on her blanket. She was batting at it lightly, reminding Nicky of a cat. It was kind of funny, and there was no other place Nicky would rather be. Even if she didn't spend her life waiting around to see if Red would need her, Nicky already knew she would drop anything and anyone to be there for her in a heartbeat. So, nothing much mattered to her after that.
"I don't have a life right now, so it's not an issue," Nicky replied.
"That in itself is an issue," Lida said. "I know you have a lot of things to figure out and that's not going to happen overnight, but I just hope you will put in the work for yourself."
"I know," Nicky said quietly, stroking some strands of hair out of Red's face. It was going to take time to figure out her place in the world, but it started with acknowledging that she had one. Her life had meaning, just like Red's life meant so much to all of them. It was why they all were here for her now, a chapter in the book of Nicky's life that continued to be written. It didn't stop at Red, but so much of the growth in Nicky was because of her. Red would have loved to watch her make something of herself, however that ended up looking. So, Nicky was going to take Lida's advice and follow the truth. She wanted to live a life that would make her mom proud, knowing that deep in Red's heart, she had already done that.
