I'm really sorry for the delay! . I have a very busy period right now, so I wasn't able to write much, like I wanted :S
But here it is, the 4th chapter!
Thanks to everyone who read, left kudos, and commented! Really, really thank you! 3
This chapter wasn't easy, and it isn't happy. I warn you, there are descriptions of depression, but nothing too specific, still, it may be a little hard on the stomach. :S
Stay strong just for a little more! (and don't kill me! . XD "^^)
After this there will be the final chapter, the epilogue of all this sweet and terrible journey!
Ah! I'm on twitter! I would really be super happy if you followed me there! ;D ^^
( /RoryWild4)
And Bertaz too!
( /BertazHead)
CHAPTER 4
"Even if you turn my feelings upside-down"
Nothing…
That word summarized well her situation: she was left with nothing, no colors, no happiness, no hope…
Gowther had been sadly clear, the memories that had bonded him to them, to her, were nowhere to be found.
She had heard only fragments of the following discussion, she was too concentrated on just breathing.
She felt nothing anymore…
...no, that was a lie, in reality she was feeling too much, she knew that if she let herself go, if she was to lose control of her tight up emotions, she would break completely.
She needed some space, and quiet.
Following only her instinct, she suddenly stood up, not even noticing how all the bickering had quieted down at her movement; she didn't trust herself with magic, her emotions were too unstable right now, so she turned, and quickly walked to the door and out of the house, the cool air hitting her and making her feel even colder, but she didn't care, she just wanted to distance herself from there, and hugging herself, she quickly proceeded to walk farther away from the house.
Her departure had everyone unsure on what to do next, but both Escanor and Mael had stood up, as if to go after her, and now were watching one another, the human with furrowing brows and clenched fists, while the Archangel was looking at him perplexed, and was waiting to see if he would take the initiative. After some tense moments, Escanor suddenly relaxed, and sat down again, his shoulders slumped, as if defeated, now was Mael's turn to look at him with furrowed brows, disapprovingly.
"Mael, will you please…"
Meliodas didn't need to finish the sentence, the Archangel glanced at him, nodding, and went out, after the distraught Mage.
What was he doing?
Escanor was more confused than ever, seeing the woman like that had almost broken his heart too, the feeling of wanting to console her, to hug her, and do anything to make her feel better, had been strong and unexpected. He didn't have a reason to be feeling that way, and neither to be jealous of the Archangel, but he was, and didn't know what to think anymore, he wasn't sure who he was anymore, nor what he wanted to do.
After some awkward goodbyes, the others left his house as well, and he took Hanna home, who was feeling unsure about all that had happened before, and didn't even try to stir up a conversation, to his great relief, he couldn't have kept up with it right now.
After coming back to the house, he went straight to his bedroom, but couldn't quiet down his thoughts enough to sleep, so he just sat there, on the bed, his head in his hands.
He couldn't banish the sight of her distraught expression from his mind.
Merlin didn't know where she was going, she just knew that she needed to get as far away as possible from there, so she kept walking, until a hand on her shoulder had her stop, shivering.
Mael had caught up to her in no time, thanks to the fact that he could fly and that she hadn't teleported away, and now was looking at her back, her shoulders hunched over, her arms hugging herself, and her form shivering, from the cold or the strain to control her emotions, he wasn't sure.
"Merlin"
He sighed, not sure about what to say to her.
"Why did you follow me?"
She hadn't moved, her voice just a whisper.
He wasn't sure if telling her his reason would have been the right thing to do.
At his silence she went on and asked another question.
"In fact, why have you been so nice towards me these last few days?"
It wasn't an accusation, she was genuinely curious; her and the Archangel had never been close, they were polite towards one another, but she had noticed a change in his behaviour towards her.
Mael sighed aloud, a hand going to scratch the back of his head, in embarrassment.
"It's all Escanor's fault."
He admitted, almost pouting, looking away from her.
She perked up at that, shocked, and turned her head to look at the bashful Archangel.
"What do you mean?"
She whispered, confused.
"Ah, shit!"
He exclaimed, irritated, at that both her brows shot up in surprise, she had never heard him cuss, she was quite sure he didn't do that, normally.
"He had passed a lot of time with Sunshine inside of him, and it seems that he was able to infuse her with enough of his feelings that now I'm being confused by them! The nerve of his!"
He was almost blushing, and she continued to watch him, surprised and confused.
"What I'm trying to say is that the man felt so deeply for you, that his feelings imbued in Sunshine, and now that I have her back, his feelings are coming through to me, it's like, his feelings are making me take care of you in his place…. seeing as he won't make a move himself…"
He whispered almost to himself the last few words, furrowing his brows, remembering the defeated man back at the house.
Merlin had turned to him fully, and was regarding him with big, shocked eyes brimming with tears, she put a hand on her mouth trying to stifle a sob.
He had cared for her so much that his feelings were able to even attach themselves to a grace, to even move a power like that, to change her, if just a little.
She was absolutely wordless, and felt a soft warmth spreading in her hurting chest, soothing her heart a bit, only for grief and remorse to enter the picture and make her gasp from her aching heart.
"That was another reason why I was sure it was him, coming closer to this place, Sunshine had released more and more of his feelings to me, as if knowing that her former master was nearer, and wanting to give him back some of it."
Merlin could only stifle more sobs, while tears flowed down her cheeks, Mael put an hand, awkwardly, on her back, trying to soothe her. After a while, having retaken control of her burst of emotions again, she nodded her head, putting a hand on his chest, pressing, to make him understand that it was enough, that she was better now. He nodded slightly and retreated his hand, taking a step away from her.
"I'm sorry if I'm imposing on you, but I know that everyone is worried about you, not only him."
She looked at him for a moment, nodding again and lowering the hand from her mouth.
"I'm sorry, I know I'm not too much help right now."
"It's okay, everyone knows that this is hard for you, take your time, he will need time himself, and then we can discuss what our next step should be."
She nodded, thanking him, then assured him that she was fine, and that she would be back to camp shortly, so he took to the air and went back before her, giving her some more time to collect her thoughts and emotions.
She felt completely spent, she couldn't think in that state, so she took her time to calm herself down more, and then went back to camp, she would think of what to do tomorrow.
The day after, all the Sins were unsure about what to do now, they had to search for more clues, try to find a reason for Escanor's condition and a possible solution, even if things weren't looking very well in that aspect, more so seeing that Merlin couldn't concentrate at all, even on research, she had too many thoughts distracting and deflating her. The others had tried to cheer her up, tried to give her hope, but it was all for nothing, her heart was gripped in despair, and her rational side couldn't break her free from her hopeless state.
Ban, King and Diane had also tried to talk with Escanor, but he was unusually unwelcoming, saying that he had too many things on his mind and that he needed some time to understand everything, so the Sins had returned to camp, less than happy, and the news had only the effect of making Merlin feel guilty for disrupting his new life.
At last, the Mage decided to have another walk to try and organize her feelings and thoughts, after a day of talking with the others she was even more unsure about how to better manage the situation.
There were hard decisions to make, and for the first time she didn't know how to choose, she was too at war with herself.
On one hand she wanted to do everything in her power to have him back with her, to find his memories, to have him remember them and everything that they had experienced together, to have another possibility at something special with him, to have the possibility to experience what love really meant…
...but wasn't it just her egoistic desire? What about him? What could be the best decision for him?
Maybe he would be better off without his memories of his previous life, of them, of her, of all that he has suffered, he could start anew, have a safe and relaxed life, with the normal problems of a normal man, he could have someone to love him and have a family…
That thought alone was enough to stop her breath, and fill her chest with pain, leaning against a tree near her.
After some moments, she had herself under control again, and went on walking, lost in her indecisiveness.
Meanwhile, Escanor wasn't faring much better, he was sitting at the table, looking at nothing, only focusing on his thoughts and feelings, he had the same doubts, he didn't know what to do, he couldn't remember a thing of his 'past life', but when in the presence of the Sins, and of the Mage in particular, he experienced some strange feelings and had the urge to stay with her, to believe them, and he wanted to remember everything they had told him; but he had a peaceful life here, the villagers had accepted him, even though they hadn't known him and he couldn't tell them anything about himself, because he didn't know himself either.
Going with the Sins was like diving in unknown waters, but the feelings were strong, he was sure it would be exciting, and maybe he would be able to recover his memories; staying with the villagers would mean live a peaceful existence, ignorant of everything else, it would be safer and sure, but it hadn't the same appeal.
He sighed aloud, his head resting on his arms, he was exhausted, he was going on in circles, and couldn't find a solution.
Suddenly someone knocked on his door, he didn't even move from his spot, he wasn't in the mood to see anyone.
The person tried another two times, and then the door was pushed open, almost forcefully.
Escanor lifted his head, surprised, only for his expression to darken, and his brow to furrow at the one standing inside his house now.
Mael had had enough, he had not only to look at the Mage while she depressed herself even more, he had to see the former Lion Sin in a pitiful state, not wanting to act and put her out of her misery, both of them were miserable, and he had had it!
He locked eyes with the human, and walked with confidence towards him, arriving in front of him, putting his hands on the table and coming nearer to his face.
"Ask yourself why you don't like me, why you don't want me near her, why you are attracted to her."
The Archangel was deadly serious, his voice low, brows furrowed in determination.
Escanor's eyes opened wide in shock.
"I have part of your feelings inside me, I know how you felt for her and for all of them, you had the resolve to do anything for the ones you held dear, you had the nerve to strike a deal with me, an Archangel of the goddess race, and it is absolutely frustrating to see you like this!"
Escanor could only look at him, shocked still, he could see the frustration on the other man's face, the disappointment, but he could also see the gentleness, and how much he cared. He was feeling almost ashamed of himself, he wanted to run and hide from anything and anyone, but something inside him was making him feel disgusted at the idea to run like a coward, he wasn't a coward, if he had to prove it, he would, he wasn't weak, he could find a solution.
Mael went on, pushing him just a little more.
"If there is really at least a drop of the prideful, determined, man I knew inside of you, then take action! Go to her! Talk to her! This pitiful excuse of a man in front of me isn't the one that my grace attached herself to, not the one Merlin is mourning even now."
That was all that he needed to lift himself up, straightening in front of the Archangel, his eyes surer than before, his posture ready to take action.
Mael straightened up, crossing his arms on his chest, regarding him for a moment, then nodding approvingly at what he was seeing in his eyes.
"You know where to go."
Escanor nodded, and quickly went towards the door, stopping on the threshold just to look back at the Archangel for a moment.
"Thank you"
And then he sprinted out the door.
Mael sighed aloud, smiling, he hoped he was able to infuse the human with enough fire to have him take a position in all this, at the end, he was the one that had to decide what to do with his life, no one could decide what he wanted for him.
Escanor was searching around for the Mage, he had a vague feeling, and after a while, he decided to follow that and found himself on the hill where they had met the first time, it was just a few days ago, but it seemed like a lot more time had passed by, so many things happened in just a few days.
Arriving at the top he could spy someone there, and after a few steps, he could see her form clearly: she was sitting on a fallen trunk, looking toward the sun, it was late afternoon, and it was some way away from the horizon still.
His eyes were locked on her, she seemed to be deep in thought, her body was deflated but tense.
He didn't really know what to say to her yet, but he had to make his presence known, it would be rude otherwise.
He was just about to clear his throat but changed his mind at the last second, wanting to try something.
"Merlin"
The effect was instantaneous, she straightened up immediately, tense.
He called her name again, it flowed so effortlessly from his mouth, and he liked the way it sounded.
This time she spun around, quickly, eyes wide, a mix of fear and hope coating them, and then they both stilled: she wasn't wearing her kerchief, so he could see her beautiful face completely, and also the marks on the lower half of it.
She was taken aback by his presence, and by him calling her, she had missed it so much, he was always able to imprint some kind of feeling on her name when calling her, something that made her name feel beautiful even to her own ears.
Suddenly she remembered her lack of cloth on her lower face, and quickly went to lift it up again.
"Wait don't!"
She stilled halfway through the motion, looking at him, he seemed as surprised as her by his reaction, he didn't really know why he had stopped her, he just knew that he wanted to look at her more.
He felt a little embarrassed, passing a hand on the back of his head, just like Mael had done the day before when he had followed her, evidently his feelings weren't the only thing affecting the Archangel, and she smiled a little, regarding him with a soft look in her eyes.
"You said you were going to tell me about it, the other day."
He was trying to find a way to end the strange moment.
"I said maybe"
She answered, amused by him.
"Right"
He was even more embarrassed now, but she just giggled lightly, something she hadn't done in a very long time.
"You want to know?"
She asked him, her tone soft and amused, while he was mesmerized by the sound of her laugh, and her full expression, now that he could see all of her face he was completely captivated by every movement of her lips, turning her expressions and features even more attractive.
He nodded almost dumbly, she smiled and patted the spot on the trunk beside her, and with a little hesitation he went to her and sat down.
They stayed silent for some moments, and with the passing seconds he relaxed more, and turned his head towards her, looking at her profile, mesmerized once again by her beauty, not at all ruined by the marks on her lower face, in his opinion.
"These marks are precious to me, they are the proof of the existence of one man very dear to me, that gave me everything...and that I was never able to reciprocate..."
He could see how her gaze changed while she was talking, from affectionate remembrance to guilty hurt.
"...I was so absorbed in my own schemes, my own problems and goals, that I never gave him, and us, a chance... and I realized how much I cared for him only when it was too late…"
She was almost whispering, her tone heartbroken, and she was caressing the markson her face, looking down, so that her face was hidden by some of her hair.
Escanor continued looking at her, frowning, he didn't like how sad she sounded, he instinctively wanted to comfort her, reaching a hand out towards her, stopping just before touching her, unsure, but then swallowed and went all the way to her hand, covering it with his own. That gesture almost made her jump in surprise, turning her head just to look at their hands, as if not believing what was happening.
"I am sorry for your loss."
He squeezed her hand lightly.
"But I think, that if he really cared about you, then he would have been glad to see you happy, to be able to do something for you"
Her eyes found his, they were determined and sure, hers were lost and incredibly empty.
"And I think he would not want for you to be so sad."
She smiled melancholy at that, what a joke that he was the one telling her that.
"Maybe"
She didn't speak further after that, and continued to be at war with her mind and heart, his hand on hers was like her own lifeline, anchoring her and making her feel better, she could almost say to be seeing some hue of colors around her.
Escanor didn't really know what to say anymore on that argument, she hadn't retracted her hand from his, that was ok at least, so he swallowed and tried to find something else to talk about, beginning from the most common things, receiving a lifted brow from her, and an amused half-smile, but she took the bait, and they began talking about various things, having a good time together, both liked the companionship they could feel for the other, they felt at ease, and Merlin was even able to laugh and smile for real.
The sun had almost set, without any one of them noticing, when Hanna's arrival interrupted them, she noticed immediately their hands, her eyes obscuring with jealousy, and called for Escanor to come back home, her tone sharp, emphasizing the 'home' part. He was feeling embarrassed, and didn't want to part with the Mage, he really liked her company, he felt like he was meant to be there with her, but he had to accompany Hanna back, and turning back to the raven haired woman, he could catch only a glimpse of regret in her eyes, the same that was in his, he was sure. She had quickly covered her face with the kerchief again, before Hanna could see her marks, and he felt the loss at being unable to see her full face.
They said goodbye, wishing a good night to the other, lost in each other's eyes, not wanting to leave the other, but Hanna decided that for them, grabbing on to Escanor's arm, throwing a hateful glance her way, before dragging him away.
Merlin stayed there a minute longer, lost again in her thoughts.
She felt happy, strangely happy, she had never felt anything like that, ever.
It was a sensation she didn't want to lose, she wanted to feel like that again, and she knew that it was Escanor that had made her feel like that, she felt alive!
She wasn't sure about what to do yet, she knew she had to choose, but she was a glutton, she wanted everything, and right now all that she wanted was him.
She could, and would, fight for him, as he had always fought for her, even knowing that he wouldn't achieve anything for himself by doing so, it was that great the power of his feelings for her.
She had at least to try, and see for herself if they could really work well together, if they could find happiness in one another.
The day after, Merlin woke up early, as usual, she was in a better mood, thanks to the time she had spent with Escanor the day prior, and was looking forward to spending more time with him. She was beginning to think that, even if they couldn't find a way to give him back his memories, they just had to make new ones with him; it wouldn't be the same, but it would be something, at least he would be staying with them.
With these thoughts in her head, she dressed up, and went towards his house, searching for him.
She was arriving near his house, she could already make out his form, and the other one with him…
She stilled immediately, her blood running cold, despair gripping her heart again, and all her hopes and determination crashed around her.
He was with Hanna…
...and they were kissing.
She couldn't stay there a second longer, quickly turning around and almost running back to camp.
All the warmth of the day before, all of her hopes, every resolution, were casted aside, leaving only loneliness and a dark cold feeling inside her.
She couldn't take anymore of this backlash, she had been a total fool!
She had done many terrible things in her quest to achieve her goals, she had sinned many times, how could she hope to have something good in her life now, after everything she had done, this was her punishment, she knew deep down that she didn't deserve to be loved, and surely not by someone so pure and wonderful like him, she knew it, and yet her gluttonous nature had hoped that she could have everything she wanted, in spite of her dreadful actions.
She returned to camp, a storm of emotions and dark thoughts inside her, and announced to the others that they were leaving.
The Sins and Mael looked at her, shocked, beginning to protest against her decision, but she was irremovable, she stated that he would be better off like this, without remembering everything and living a peaceful life in that village.
Every word she uttered was a stab to her own heart, but she was almost welcoming the pain, feeling like it was the right punishment for her, she deserved the pain she was inflicting to herself.
Not wanting to stay with the others while they prepared to leave, she went to take a walk trying to rein in the storm inside her, and to go back to a cold numbness for the time being.
Once she was far away from here, and back to Camelot, she could go back living like she had done until now, she had done it before, she could do it again.
Hugging herself tight, she wasn't sure that this time she would be able to turn back.
Escanor was shocked still.
Hanna had kissed him.
She had taken him by surprise and kissed him.
They had been talking, even if she was more arguing, about what he wanted to do, about the Sins, and she was trying to convince him to stay there in the village, to tell them to go back and never return. He couldn't say that he hadn't thought about that himself, he had doubts, but then she had began talking about the Mage, and at the thought of her, and without his consent, his expression had changed, becoming softer, and a small smile appeared on his mouth, remembering the time they had spent together the day before, but all this didn't go unnoticed by Hanna, who, almost furiously and desperately, screamed that she loved him, that she really, really loved him, that they could be happy together, have a family together and raise their children there in a peaceful environment, then she had begun bad mouthing the Mage, and that was her mistake.
Until that point, Escanor had been ignoring her advances and forceful behaviour, but when she had begun talking about Merlin, he had snapped at her. They had argued some more, resulting in him trying to get away from her, saying that he was going to talk with the Sins, that he was thinking of giving them a chance; at that Hanna panicked, grabbed his arm to stop him, pleading with him, he was feeling bad for her, but he was also feeling something that was pulling him more and more towards them, and the Mage particularly, and he wanted to experience more, before he had to make a final decision about his life.
He was turning again from her, trying to convince her to let him go, as gently as possible but also firmly, and that was when she had circled around him, arriving at his front, and quickly had put her arms around his neck and kissed him. He stood still for some moments, too shocked to even move, but he was feeling more uncomfortable the more they stayed like that, and her lips on his were feeling totally wrong.
Finally he moved, grabbing her with a firm grip, trying not to hurt her, and took her arms from around his neck, taking some step away from her, and then, looking her directly in the eyes, rejected her then and there.
She had begun crying, trying to convince him otherwise, but he was irremovable, he tried to gently explain to her why, but she was too hysterical and ran away from him.
He debated if going after her or not, but at least sighed, he was feeling a little guilty, but he had told her the truth, and she had to accept it; then turned and walked towards the Sin's camp.
When he arrived he found them busy, as if they were preparing to leave.
"What are you doing?"
At his shocked exclamation the Sins stopped what they were doing and looked at him.
"What it looks like ta ya?! We're leavin"
Ban answered, in a bad mood.
"What?! Why?"
He couldn't understand, why would they be leaving now? Without even telling him?
The others didn't know how to answer that, looking sad and disappointed.
"What did you say to Merlin?"
Mael asked him finally, looking at him with a suspicious gaze.
"I have not seen her today."
He was confused.
The Archangel sighed aloud, massaging his temples.
"Please, go find her, and talk to her."
Escanor just nodded, and following the direction that Mael had pointed at him, he went quickly in search of the Mage.
After some time, he found her, walking in the woods, hugging herself, with spent eyes. He immediately went to her, stopping in front of her, noticing that her kerchief was down.
"Merlin!"
She stopped, and seemed almost to wake up from her trance, but not looking at him.
"I went to the camp, they said to me that you are leaving!"
She just nodded at that.
"Why?"
He seemed sad about them leaving, but no, probably that was something that she wanted to believe, he had no reason to be sad about their departure.
"It is for the better, you are happy here, and safe."
She had repeated that same phrase over and over in her head, trying to convince herself that it was true, and that this was the right thing to do.
He had always done things for her, without expecting anything back from her, he had always thought of her first…
...maybe it was time that she did the same, no matter how much it would hurt her, because he would still be alive and happy, she could watch over him from afar, make sure that he stayed that way, she could repent for her sins that way, she had to, she knew now that she loved him too, she loved him so much, and that's why she would step back and away from his life.
He would be alive and happy, even if not with her.
With great, great effort, she tried to swallow the lump in her throat, trying to go on breathing, fighting the tears that were almost at the corner of her eyes, and was able to smile for him, even if it was a small, tremulous, one.
He was regarding her, shocked, and her expression was absolutely heart-breaking to him.
Was it really for the best?
"I have a final, selfish, request for you, if you don't mind."
Her words had him refocusing on the here and now, and on her.
"Anything."
He knew he meant it, he would do anything for her, he didn't know why, but he definitely would.
She swallowed again, as if trying to make room for the words to leave her vocal cords.
"...could I kiss you goodbye?"
He was taken aback, but found himself nodding, agreeing to that, feeling as if it was the right thing to do, and truly, he was curious about kissing her, he felt attracted to her.
She neared him, slowly, feeling her breaths increasing, and he felt his breath catch in his throat at her proximity, they both felt excited, but it was dampened by the knowledge that they were saying goodbye.
When they were just a few millimeters apart, she lifted her hands, putting them on his cheeks, caressing him slightly with her thumbs, looking at him as if for the last time, taking him in, memorizing every millimeters of his features.
Then, slowly, she bent forward, he did the same, and their lips met.
She couldn't resist anymore, and could taste her own tears in their kiss.
'Why are our kisses always so bitter, why can we share a kiss only to say goodbye?'
...yeah, I know, I KNOW! It was hard for me too to write this, really! .
My poor Merlin… but I will make it better! Somehow…!
If you were able to read until now, I really appreciate it! :)
I'll try to write and post the new chapter as soon as I can! I know it is hard to wait after this… but I will make it worth it! ^^ (I hope! XD)
