Never the same

"I have to go back. Get his body."

Dean's face is frozen in a grimace, looking like a dreadful mask of anger and stubborness. His eyes are filled with pain and brokeness so profound like Mary have never seen before, in anyone. He doesn't even look like her son anymore – more like a wounded animal, crazy with shock and suffering.

"Dean, son" – she starts in gentle voice, despite that her heart is broken in half. "It's not safe. This tunnels are still full of starving vampires. I can't lose another son."

Dean peers at her intensely, half-stopping refilling his bottle with water from the basin.

Mary suddenly feels like an enemy.

"Mom" – Dean's words are sharp like razors. "I have to go back to him. Bring him home. I can't leave him alone in those filthy, dark tunnels for vampires to feed on his flesh. I can't do that. He is my brother. I should never left him. Don't you dare trying to stop me."

He packs the water bottle to his backpack and starts walking towards the exit of the camp.

Mary just stands there, watching the silhouette of her now only son disappearing between the trees, unsure what to do. She is aware of the very special bond between her sons, their brotherly love and absolute devotion to one another. She feels the immense guilt clutching her heart. It's her fault that the life of her sons went the way it went, that in all the world the only thing they had was each other. That Dean has to replace all the family to Sam, he told her that himself… That she wasn't here to take care of them and John wasn't really too. She did it to her own children when she made that deal.

And now, that one person Dean loved and cared for the most - his brother - was gone, in a so nonsensical, so random, gruesome way.

OOO

She finds Castiel in the south-east part of the camp, sitting with Jack on a tree trunk. There is silence between them; the kid is drawing patterns on the ground using a stick. None of them know what to say.

"Castiel." – Mary brakes the silence. "We've got a situation. Can I talk to you for a moment?"

The angel raises his eyes from his knees to Mary's face.

"Of course" – he says standing up, and they walk a few steps away from the kid.

"Dean decided to go back to the tunnels for Sam's body." - reveals Mary. "I wasn't able to stop him, believe me, I tried. He didn't want me to go with him either."

"How long?" - this is the only question from the angel.

"An hour ago."

"I'm going." - decides Cass. "I will bring him back, I promise. Take care of everything in the meantime."

"I will." - promises Mary.

Castiel just checks that his angel blade is in place and goes.

OOO

The road back to the tunnels is much quicker than before; Dean is not careful, isn't looking for potential enemies and traps and he is practically running.

Finding the cave where the fight had taken place and the corridor where those two vamps dragged his brother isn't hard for him too.

Dean goes straight to the darkness without second thoughts.

The corridor isn't very long and ends in an old shaft. There, on the ground, still with a light stick on his neck, lays his brother.

Dean suddenly feels a wave of undefined emotions flowing over him. He falls to this knees beside his brother. He doesn't know it yet, but something inside him broke.

"Hey buddy" – he whispers, taking Sam into his arms, stroking his hair gently and cuddling Sam's head to his chest. "I found you. It's okay now, I found you."

Dean starts rocking his brother back and forth is his arms, humming softly to him. They just sit like that for a moment. Dean doesn't really have a sense of time. He found his brother and he is ok, safe in Dean's arms. Like always.

"Hey, Sammy?" – Dean asks, concerned. "Why didn't you take off your backpack before you lay down? Your back will be killing you later. C'mon, let's get it off."

He starts unraveling his brother arms from the backpacks suspenders, but Sam is stiff and heavy, and it isn't a simple task. Finally, after a short struggle, Dean manages to free his brother from the backpack.

"Isn't that better?" – seeks Dean. "You should rest a little. Are you cold? I had a blanked somewhere here."

Dean is opening his backpack nervously, looking for a blanket for his brother.

"Here it is!" – he announces happily and immediately wraps the blanket around his brother. "Try to get some sleep Sammy, I'm not going anywhere. You're safe."

Dean sits on a pile of stones and looks at his brother with affection.

As long as they have each other, they are gonna be okay.

OOO

Cass remembers the place very well too. How couldn't he? This is the place where one of his best friends died. He finds the cave and the dark corridor; he hears Dean's voice echoing between the walls. Cass breathes a sigh of relief; this means that Dean is okay.

He reaches the shaft at the end of the tunnel, where he have found Sam's body before, and for that view he is ready. But he completely isn't ready to see what he is about to see.

Dean is sitting on the ground, his brother's dead body leaned against his own chest, Dean's arms locked around him. Sam's clothes and hair are soaked with blood, there is a huge, deep wound on his neck, and his face is completely colorless, as white as snow. Dean sees completely unaware of all of this; his hands are stained red with his brother's blood, but he is smiling and talking happily to Sam's ear. He doesn't even acknowledge Cass presence.

"When this is all over and we come back home" – Dean talks to Sam – "we're definitely going to Miami. For a long, long vacation. Can you see it, Sammy? The ocean, the sand, drinks with those tiny, fancy umbrellas and girls, of course! Yeah, yeah, I know you are looking for The One. But Sammy, just think of it…"

"Dean." – Cass interjects. "Dean, it's me."

"Oh, hey Cass." – greets Dean, taking a brief look at him. "You came to visit us?"

Dean starts rocking his brother's body again, whispering to him softly, forgetting about Cass.

"Dean." – Cass tries again. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, we're fine, Cass" – Dean narrows his eyebrows. "There is Sammy and me. Why you ask?"

"Dean, you know that Sam…"

"Sammy is resting." – Dean interrupts. "We had a hard day."

He must be in shock – Cass thinks. The sight of Sam's massacred body shook him badly.

"Uhm, Dean?" – Cass tries to be delicate. "Don't you think that we should take Sam the camp? He could rest better there…"

"No."

"But there we could find him a bed and a clean clothes…"

"No."

"Why?"

"They would wanna hurt us. Hurt Sammy."

"Who, Dean?"

"People in the camp. We're good here. Right, Sammy?"

Sam, of course, didn't respond, but Dean doesn't seem to be bothered by his silence. Instead, he kisses his brother gently on the top of his head. It's hard to watch.

"Dean." – Castiel is not giving up. "Nobody is gonna hurt you there. They are good people, I promise. Your mother is there. And a doctor too. Don't you think that a doctor should take a look at Sam?"

Dean doesn't react to Castiel's words. But he doesn't say no either. God, let it be a good sign.

Castiel crouches beside them and reaches out a hand to touch Sam, but he doesn't make it. Dean turns away from him abruptly, protectively covering Sam with his own body.

"It's okay, Dean" – Cass reassures. "I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna check how is he doing, ok?"

He reaches to Sam again, and this time Dean didn't try to avoid it. Sam's hand is cold as ice, as expected.

"Dean, I think he is cold. We should take him to the camp, make some hot tea, find some dry clothes. He could catch a pneumonia if you stay here, you now?"

After a few moments of rocking his brother's body in silence, Dean finally agrees.

"Okay."

Castiel lets out a sigh of relief. He wasn't aware that he was holding his breath from some time.

"Take him under his armpits, I'm gonna hold his legs." – orders Cass.

"Be careful with him." – rebukes him Dean. "Don't drop him."

"I won't, I promise." – reassures Castiel. "Let's go."

They miraculously walk through the tunnels without being bothered by vamps and reach the surface; fresh air taste sweet. They start their long walk back to the camp, with Sam's body limp like a ragdoll between them, and Dean still talking and reassuring his very dead, very tormented brother.

OOO

Mary catches herself peeking at the camp gate again. Castiel set off a good three hours ago, and she couldn't really focus on anything – whatever she started doing, she ended up looking nervously at the camp entrance. Right now she should be mourning Sam, her baby boy; but somehow she couldn't. She left him when he was six months old, a sweet, chubby baby; now he is (was, she reminds herself) a fully grown man, who doesn't really need her, never needed, because he doesn't even remembered his mommy. Dean raised him, not her; she never really had a chance to get to know him, to find out who he has become. Does he likes cars, like John, or reading, like me? Was he stubborn, like Dean? What was Jessica like, the girl he loved so much? What were his first words? Was it "dad"? Or "Dean"? Because, for sure, not "mama". She failed him, her sweet little boy, and she has already spilled all her tears above it… Now she doesn't have any.

Honestly, she was worrying about Dean. She saw what his brother's death did to him, how it changed him. Will he be alright again some day? Will he make his peace with this lost? Or maybe he will do something really, really stupid…

She is so deeply lost in her thoughts that she almost didn't notice that they had returned.

OOO

Mary runs towards them. Thank God, he is alright – she thinks, looking at Dean. Her son's face is bright and calm, he is saying something to Castiel, but the angel isn't responding for some reason. Castiel is clearly upset, teeth clenched, eyebrows furrowed. They are carrying Sam's body, it's sagging between them like some kind of bloody sack. It is a horrible picture. Why is Dean smiling?

"Dean" – voices Mary, when she alignes with them. "How did it go? Are you alright?"

"It's okay, mom. I've found Sammy." – assures Dean with a sunny smile and turns his attention to Castiel. "Where does that doctor lives, Cass?"

"Let's place Sam in your mother's cabin, and then I will send him to you." – the angel proposes.

"Doctor? Who needs a doctor?" – inquires Mary, disturbed.

None of them responds. Mary stops for a second, disoriented. Nor Dean, nor Castiel looks wounded. Is it possible that Sam… survived? No, definitely not. She saw the horrible wound on his neck, the amount of blood covering him, the ghostly white skin… No one can survive a injury like that. No one. What is it all about?

She follows them to the cabin and steps inside.

Dean places Sam on an old camping cot, carefully putting his head on a pillow and brushing away hair from his face.

"You comfortable?" – Dean asks his brother.

Mary senses her stomach suddenly become very, very heavy. Something is utterly wrong.

"Mary, can I talk to you for a sec?" – interrupts Castiel.

"Yes, sure."

They step outside the cabin.

"Castiel, what is going on?" – asks Mary.

Cass sighs heavily.

"Dean apparently didn't reconciled with Sam's death." – he explains. "He must be in a deep shock. He thinks that his brother is alive, and if he will just take care of him, Sam will be alright."

Mary doesn't say anything, just stares at him, completely astonished.

"What…?" – she finally stutters.

"I'm not an expert on human psychology, Mary. He just acts like that." – Castiel looks really tired. "I don't see any other explanation."

"But… What are we gonna do? Sam have to be..."

"I don't know. Maybe he will snap out of it soon."

"And if not…?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there."

Castiel just vanishes, leaving her standing outside the cabin, unable to move or think.

OOO

Someone else, someone less experienced by life and less strong, might break down in a situation like that; but not Mary Winchester. She is a mother and a hunter; a fighter till her last breath. And she is gonna fight for her sons (son, she reminds herself). 'Hell she is.

So she goes back to that cabin, unlike Castiel, ready to face the death of one of her sons and the tragedy of another.

At least, that was what she thought.

Dean is sitting on his knees beside the bed, gently stroking his brothers chestnut hair. He is smiling, absolutely devoted to that act. Mary stands in the doorway, frozen.

"Mom." – says Dean. "Good to see you. We need a basin of hot water and a towel. Sammy needs to be cleaned up. Can you manage to get that? And a set of clean clothes. Sammy's are a total mess."

Every cell in Mary's body is screaming. Dean, stop it, please. Sam is dead. Can't you see it? Please, stop for a moment and look at him.

But instead, she stammers:

"Y… Yes. I can manage that."

"Great!" – Dean's voice is filled with enthusiasm. "Please, be quick. I don't want Sammy to be in this filthy clothes any longer than necessary."

Please, Dean. Please, stop.

"O… Okay. In a minute." – Mary whispers and goes outside.

OOO

She returns with a bucket of hot water and some old towel. She also finds some clothes that might more or less fits Sam's size. Another dead man's clothes – she couldn't get that thought out of her head.

She puts everything next to the bed.

"Thanks, mom." – Dean grins, immediately returning his gaze to Sam.

He starts taking the clothes off Sam. Mary approaches to the bed and starts removing Sam's shoes.

"Mom? What are you doing?" – asks Dean, eyes wide with shock.

"What…?" – Mary answers weakly, not fully comprehending. "I'm helping you with Sam of course."

"No, mom!" – Dean is clearly irritated. "He is not used to you. He'll be ashamed. I'm the only one who can help him in that sort of things. In fact, I've been doing this since forever. You have to leave. I'm not gonna undress him when you're here."

"But…"

"Please." – pleads Dean. "Come back later. Leave us alone."

Mary gets up heavily from her knees. She feels hot tears rapidly filling her eyes.

Just outside the cabin, tears changes into a violent sob.

Maybe she is not that strong after all.