I do not own Archer or Studio C
Cyrill figgis has been sent to infiltrate a black marketing operation in uruguay. and hasn't responded in 48 hours. the office started worrying/betting that Cyril might have been kidnapped.
As if to prove there suspicions, Mallory recieved a phone call
"Mallory Archer," A feathery voice replied. "You don't know me, but I know you."
"Cut the crap. You have my employee, I want him back. So how's this gonna go down?" Mallory asked
"Ideally? With you and your organization buried six feet under." The voice chuckled darkly. "But, out of the kindness of my heart, I'll settle for 10 grand instead."
"10 GRAND!" Cyril voice squawked through the other end "Don't you want to at least raised it another forty?"
"No way, I heard how cheap this woman is, plus this has a higher chance of your survival as well since this is a reasonable deal, this is the best option for everyone. You and your employer should be thanking my sentimentality that I didn't just kill you and dump your corpse in a landfill." The kidnapper said to Cyril
"Oh yeah, you're a real saint." Mallory muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"I mean, I could always just slit Mr Figgis's throat over the phone and call it a day. I wonder if you'd be able to hear him choking on his own blood-"
Cyril interrupted by giving a high pitch scream
"Alright, alright." Mallory said annoyed. "I'll pay you the 10 grand."
"And don't sent Archer to pay us back. Even we know 'The Duchesses' bodycount." The kidnapper added
"Fine, I'll send two of my other best agents."
(Linebreak)
"You two are her best agents?" The Black marketer said surprised
"What of it?" Lana questioned annoyed as she and Pam stood in a room surrounded by goons with a briefcase full of money.
"With you nothing, your friend drinking ketchup on the other hand-" The black marketer said
"I'm trying to get the taste of bad Corvina out of my mouth." Pam said
"Yes but why ketchup?" the black marketer questioned
"Cause I accidentally grabbed the wrong thing from the hotel restaurant is why!" Pam snapped annoyed as she drank ketchup
"Can we please got back to the task at hand." One of the goon said
"Yes, thank you." Lana said calmly. "Were here to rescue one of our own."
"Which one was yours?" the black marketer asked
"The tall masculine one who has a 'better than you vibe' but is kinda a pussy." Pam said
"Oh that guy, we just interrogating him with our lie-detector." The black market guy "Wanna watch?"
"What? why would we want to watch you interrogate our own agent?" Lana questioned
"He spoke smack about some of you." the Black market guy said
"... fine play the thing." Lana said
"Wha-" Pam asked but stopped as Lana raised her hand in a gesture to be quiet.
"Wise choice, The black marketer said as he activated the big screen tv. "Let start watching the recording
(Linebreak)
We see Cyril chained to a chair looking at the camera as am interrogator added electrodes
"Okay, we'll just be asking some question, and if you give us the answers we want then we'll contact your friend and your free to go." The interrogator said
"Few questions, I don't know anything." Cyril said
BZZZT
"Is that a lie detector?" Cyril gulped
"Yes and I assume you know how it works."
"Yes." Cyril said
BZZZT
"Kind Of"
BZZZT
"I think I get it now." Cyril said annoyed, thankfully the thing didn't buzz "But why me I'm just a-"
"Don't bother, we all know your a spy sent by the agency that ripped off the terrorist organization name."
"Well actually we had the name-" Cyril began to say but was interrupted.
"We know that some of your colleagues shared some private information with you."
"Wha- no." Cyril said frowning
BZZZT
"Okay yeah, my friend Pam once used our boss Persian rug to clean up some mustard in the break room." Cyril said
no buzz
"By accident." Cyril added
BZZZT
Cyril sighed "If their even a chance your watching this Pam, I'm sorry."
BZZZT
Cyril blinked surprised "Don't I have a conscience?"
(In real time)
"GODDAMNIT!" Pam snapped
"That was you." Lana blinked surprised "Mallory hit Archer and Cheryl with a ceramic vase for that cause they were the two likeliest suspects."
"Why did you think I kept my mouth shut." Pam said
"Still what kind of Lie Detector is that," Lana frowned "It seems far too accurate for anything you guy might have gotten from a corrupt cop."
"We bought this model from a derange kraut with a glowing pig." The black marketer said
"... Krieger." Lana and Pam sighed annoyed.
(Linebreak)
"Well that was humorous but that was not the kind of dirt I was looking for," The interrogator said "So..." glocked gun.
"Wait I have other stuff, like I have access to Cheryl mansion!" Cyril pleaded
BZZZT
"Well I know the tunnels."
BZZZT
"ALRIGHT FINE! I DIDN'T REMEMBER ANY SECRET ENTRANCES OR THE CURRENT MANSION LAYABOUT! SHE FORCE ME TO LIVE IN THE SERVANT QUARTERS TWICE ONCE DURING THE COCAINE INCIDENT, THE NEXT TIME WHEN WE MOVE BACK TO NEW YORK AND STAYED IN A DIFFERENT ONE FOR A SHORT TIME (Reference to redwitch universe where the gang actually did that)." Cyril ranted "She never forgave me for kidnapping her that one time."
"You kidnap your colleague?" The interrogator asked somewhat surprised.
"I, uh, did not not not-" Cyril try to explain when (You guessed it)
BZZZT
"OH WHY CAN'T I OUTSMART YOU, I AM A FORMER LAWYER!" Cyril snapped
BZZZT
"I AM! I HAVE A CURRENT LAWYER LICENSE!" Cyril yelled
BZZZT
"YES I KNEW YOU BUZZ THAT TIME!" Cyril angrily snapped
(Linebreak)
"I knew that was him!" Lana said
"Wait where was I?" Pam asked confused
"Remember how you got kidnapped and got pissed at Mallory for refusing to pay ransom and you beat the shit out of her." Lana said
"Yes."
"Middle of that." Lana said
(Linebreak)
"Sounds like you have alot of issue with your fellow workers." The interrogators.
"Well... may be one." Cyril admitted
BZZZT
"Okay more than one, it like a bloody ass totem of hate and anger. with the Archers at the pinnacle of the totem pole!" Cyril said annoyed. "And that why I do... certain things to coworker..."
"What sort of things?" Interrogator said
"... I may have started to... spat in their coffees." Cyril admitted
"You mean in the Archers coffee?"
"No I mean in all of them, To Ray for his horrible off key singing, to Lana for being a hypocrite jerk, but I save a big special phlegmy one for the Archers... your not going to show this to them are you?" Cyril asked
(Linebreak)
"Welp. Now I'm glad I bring my own coffee." Pam said as Lana face was contorted to a silent scream. Holds up the ketchup to Lana "Do you need this to wash the memory of coffee out of your mouth?"
(Linebreak)
"You are disgusting." The interrogator sneered
"I am not!" Cyril said offended
BZZZT
"OH SHUT UP!" Cyril yelled. "I deserved it after Lana skank dump me for the idiot of the year Archer and then marrying that rich tamer male version of Mallory!"
BZZZT
"IF I WASN"T TIED UP I BASH YOU WITH A HAMMER!" Cyril yelled.
(Linebreak)
"I didn't skank dump him, I just stole Archer sperm that was put on ice, I didn't had sex with him. I just took his gravy without him knowing." Lana tried to explain.
"She does know that doesn't make that better, right?" The black marketer said
"One would think." Pam shrugged.
"Alright we'll just stop this here, and I'm willing to let you keep the tape for an additional 2.50 in case you want to find out more of the backtalk." The black marketer said
Lana grumbled as she handed the 2.50.
"THANK YOU." The black marketer grinned as he handed the tape to Lana as both Pam and Lana walked out of the room. they were lead to a room, where cyril was tied up and yelling at the lie detector
"YOU THINK YOUR BETTER THAN ME! I SURVIVED ARCHER, THAT MAKES ME SUPERIOR TO YOU!" Cyril yelled at the device "No BZZZT? Got you there didn't I, you stupid machine!" He then noticed Lana and Pam in the room "Oh hello... I uh... wasn't arguing with that inanimate object."
BZZZT.
The end.
some of the scenes with the lie detector were lifted from the Studio C sketch 'I'm Not a Liar'
