Story Title: A Touch of the Past
Chapter: 3/18
Chapter Summary: Shepard always notices...
Chapter 3: Oddities
After landing on the Citadel and the pair of Spectres making an appearance to the Council for an update on the Reaper situation as well as to Bailey for an update on the Citadel, Kaidan and Shepard joined a majority of their crew at Purgatory for some well-deserved relaxation. Shepard and Kaidan were sitting together, the Commander's arm around the back of the couch behind Kaidan, Liara on Shepard's other side while Tali sat next to Kaidan. Garrus, James, and Steve were sitting in chairs placed around the table between them. Joker and EDI had come with them but had disappeared a while ago after claiming to be getting them refills on their drinks. The Commander was sure he'd seen them get distracted by the dance floor and suspected they would be losing more of the group before recovering anyone.
In fact, he was pretty sure he would be leaving soon with his lover as Kaidan usually didn't last too long before the lights and noise of the bar got to be too uncomfortable for him to continue enjoying himself.
And that was the benefit of being with people who knew Kaidan so well that they held nothing against him. They just understood that he did what he could and enjoyed himself until he couldn't anymore. Kaidan ducking out of festivities was never held against him just as Shepard choosing to leave with his lover was never held against him.
Not to mention it usually kept him from hitting his own point of intoxication where he started doing stupid things, which Garrus claimed to hold against him for the lack of stories to threaten to reveal.
But as the night progressed, Shepard became gradually more aware that something wasn't right with Kaidan. Sure, he had talked with Tali about things that went way over Shepard's head while sober. He had argued with James about the difference between a friendly suggestion and what was an order from the Major – Vega had apparently ignored Kaidan telling him to help Cortez with their supplies and the man had accompanied them to the Council instead. He had even at some point used Shepard's focus on his own conversation against him by conspiring with Garrus about something Shepard would probably find out about when he forgot that it had happened. He'd only known it had even happened because of the grins that were being directed toward him when he turned his attention back to them and they went silent.
But while this was all things that were completely normal for a night of shore leave, there was something just different in Kaidan's tone and body language. He wasn't really as relaxed as he would be while in familiar company, regardless of the public place. There were no signs of pain in his posture though so Shepard dismissed the possibility of the biotic ignoring a rising headache as soon as he really noticed something was off. Nobody had broached any subject that would close him off.
Nothing was pointing Shepard in the direction of an answer and he wouldn't bring it up while they were in public like this.
At least he seemed to be genuinely enjoying himself though, so it couldn't be anything too serious. Shepard would just have to be patient and not let it get to him until he could talk to Kaidan about it.
Too bad his formidable patience seemed to run thin when it came to something wrong with his lover. Even as Kaidan excused himself along with Tali for a quick run for drinks as they all gave up on the others returning, all Shepard could focus on was when he could manage to bring it up without shutting Kaidan down to his questions. Because even though Kaidan was more open and honest with Shepard than anyone else, he could still refuse to talk with his lover if he didn't feel comfortable enough with the topic.
Liara nudged him as soon as the pair was gone and Shepard turned to the Asari with a curious look. "You seem distracted, Shepard," she declared calmly. He glanced over to the other men to see them engaged in some argument that was pretty standard for them before turning back to his friend.
He thought for a few moments, then realized that Liara was probably the best person to help him out here, her being as close to both he and his lover meaning she may have noticed what he had.
"You notice something off with Kaidan?" he answered through the question.
The Asari smiled in her understanding way and looked in the direction the biotic had departed in. "Actually I had. He has seemed distant since we landed at the Citadel. I had assumed he was simply tired. He has put in many long hours over the past few days."
"Maybe, but he usually turns down going out when it's an issue of fatigue. This seems different," he mused, glad for the chance to talk out his thoughts instead of internalizing them all.
"This is true. He is closer to a migraine when tired. Do you recall a time past where he displayed similar behavior as to what we are seeing now so we can compare them? Perhaps we can find the answer if we can find a similar enough occurrence."
Shepard directed his thoughts to what had caught his attention about Kaidan's interactions with the others that had made him think there was something off. He started comparing what he saw today with other times that Kaidan's behavior had caught his attention but that was already turning out to be just as fruitless in finding answers: he simply had too much source material to work from.
"He seems reserved," Liara's voice cut into his thoughts suddenly and he turned to her again. "It feels as though he is not with those he spends every day with, such as how he was at times back when we were pursuing Saren."
Shepard felt his mind click in recognition of Liara's words. She was right. While it wasn't too obvious since he couldn't just stop being close friends with them all, Kaidan was indeed acting distant from them, just like he had on the SR-1 before he had become more comfortable with being friends with the crew instead of just Lieutenant Alenko.
So now there was the question of why he had suddenly retreated like this. It wasn't like him to do something like this without reason.
But Shepard could work with this. He could figure it out instead of shooting in the dark and just hoping that Kaidan wouldn't withdraw from him when he asked.
"You know I love you deeply, right Liara?" he said as he grinned at the Asari, who simply smiled in return.
"I know this, Shepard. However, I am not certain you should be making such claims while your partner is within distance to hear." Shepard let out a soft curse as he looked up and saw Kaidan standing next to the table, looking at them with a raised eyebrow. Shepard then turned a dirty look to Liara, who was sure to have been more aware of their surroundings than the Commander was and hadn't warned Shepard that his lover had returned. Not that he was worried about Kaidan hearing his declaration of appreciation to Liara, but they had been talking about the biotic.
Kaidan looked between the pair before his lips lifted into a smile and he just shook his head. "You are very lucky I know you both well enough to not be worried about that at all."
Apparently Garrus had also emerged from his own conversation enough to chime in, "What is it with you and Shepard being comfortable enough in your relationship to not worry about stuff like that? Shepard pulled the same thing on me when I challenged it with you sleeping in the lounge."
Kaidan looked to the Turian with an incredulous expression, "You want us to have such an untrustworthy relationship?"
Garrus shrugged widely as he responded, "Come on, it's so much more entertaining when there's something for you guys to argue about."
Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest. "There's plenty for us to argue about. We just haven't wasted time on them yet. And it won't be for something as stupid as not knowing better than that we wouldn't be cheating on each other."
"So you swear you guys will be giving us some top-class drama at some point?"
"Anything for you, Vakarian." Kaidan's response sounded so genuine that James and Steve actually looked somewhat concerned, the men not being as familiar with the Major's dark sense of humor as the ones who had known him for a few years.
Garrus on the other hand, placed his hand on his chest and let out a relieved sigh. "You make me so happy, Kaidan."
Shepard rolled his eyes dramatically at that and reached out to place his hand on Kaidan's hip, encouraging him to return to his seat so Shepard could replace his arm around his shoulders. The biotic responded with no hesitation in sitting down and settled in against the Commander, taking up conversation with Liara with ease.
Again though, there was that subtle distance that only those who were watching closely and were very skilled at reading the man would notice.
Anyway, Shepard felt less inclined to even broach the subject as Kaidan appeared to need the distraction and spent many hours longer in the club than normal, actually drinking enough to get a little tipsy - accelerated metabolism of a biotic meant he usually burned through alcohol as he drank it – and as they all headed back to the Normandy, he seemed pretty much normal.
Shepard held onto that sentiment even as they got ready for bed in his cabin and curled up together, both just feeling the need for sleep and thoughts of intimacy not even really entering their minds. So as Kaidan was wrapped in Shepard's arms, the Commander was ready to let things go; after all, everybody had a bad day and sometimes there was no reason. If it happened, you just got past it and moved on to the next day.
But then Kaidan had awoken with a panicked gasp after a few hours of sleep. He had moved quickly to retreat to the bathroom, most likely so he could collect himself. He had obviously thought that he hadn't woken Shepard as the man had not moved. However, the Commander had been awake for a few moments as Kaidan had been shifting in his sleep and had woken Shepard then.
Thing was that Kaidan was a still sleeper. He usually woke up in the same exact position as he fell asleep in, whether he had rough dreams or not. And Shepard knew there were some nights that Kaidan had nightmares because he was a soldier and every soldier had nightmares, especially ones who had been through as much as they all had.
But again, on the nights where bad memories struck the biotic, he would usually wake up, curl in closer to Shepard and either just lay silently awake or on rarer occasions fall back to sleep. Either way, it didn't match up with how tonight had gone. And it wasn't just the harsh awakening or even the retreat from the bed.
It was that the sheets were laying on the floor a few feet from the bed with tears in the material from the flare of biotics that had been discharged from Kaidan right before he had woken up that really had Shepard concerned.
The only time Shepard had seen biotics from Kaidan that weren't performed exactly as the man intended was during sex when he was so caught up in sensations and emotions that they flowed briefly before he once again reigned them in. Hell, even those weren't as intense as when they had first slept together again as Kaidan gained control even when he lost himself to passion.
So what had happened for him to lose control like this?
Deciding that he wasn't getting any answers just lying here – and more importantly he wasn't helping his lover at all by not going to him in an obvious time of need - Shepard stood and walked into the bathroom.
They were both stripped down to their thermal underwear and as Shepard turned the corner to the bathroom, he saw the layer of sweat that had emerged over Kaidan's body. The biotic had his hands resting on the sink and was breathing deeply with his head lowered, his sleep-mussed hair falling forward slightly.
Knowing that the biotic was already on edge and was therefore more likely to react as a trained soldier if Shepard approached without announcing himself, he stepped into the room with heavy footfalls. He knew Kaidan heard him as the muscles of his shoulders tightened and his dark eyes lifted to look briefly at Shepard. When the Commander continued to move toward him, he appeared to accept the man's presence as his eyes lowered again.
Shepard stepped up right behind Kaidan and pressed the length of his body against Kaidan's, letting the warmth of the biotic's body flow into him. Familiar as he was with the sensation of biotic discharge, Shepard could tell at once that Kaidan's were still not completely dissipated from their brief use.
How could Kaidan not have his biotics under control now that he was awake?
He would work to that though, and he pressed his face against the back of Kaidan's neck, just beneath his dark hairline. He knew that the area around Kaidan's implant was sensitive and it was usually quite soothing to have it massaged. His attention around the area was a silent offer to do so now. His lover sighed softly and his hand came to cover Shepard's arms, which had wrapped around the biotic's stomach. The hand that touched him was tense though and then Kaidan confirmed Shepard's suspicion of the refusal of his offer by leaning his head forward and his neck away from the contact.
Sometimes Kaidan just didn't want to be reminded of anything to do with his biotics.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you up," Kaidan whispered.
Shepard just pressed a gentle kiss to Kaidan's shoulder. "I woke up a few minutes before you did. You were restless."
"Damnit," Kaidan knew himself well enough for that to explain things. "I still didn't want you to wake up, John."
"Why not? What's been going on with you today? You've been off since…well yesterday morning."
Kaidan sighed and Shepard felt the tense body mold further against him as Kaidan relaxed into him. "I got a call from Hackett last night. He wanted me to know about a theft of some reports back on Earth a few weeks ago."
"Why did you need to know about them?" Shepard was actually suspicious now. Hackett making a call to Kaidan was only slightly unusual so it had to be in the specifics of the reports in question. However, Kaidan had simply been involved in too much to say what it may have been about.
"The reports are of particular interest to me."
After there was a silence long enough for Shepard to pick up that Kaidan was going to need a little more prompting. "Why, Kaidan?" his voice was soothing and encouraging.
Kaidan let out a heavy sigh as his eyes lifted and looked to Shepard through the mirror. "They are the reports pertaining to the incident at the Biotic Acclimation and Temperance training facility."
Shepard couldn't help but tighten his hold around his lover, as if his embrace now would keep what happened so many years ago from touching the man he loved more than it already did.
"Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction when he told me. Someone hacked the files, bypassed all security measures around them, and took everything pertaining to the closure of the facility and the incident that caused it."
"The incident was you killing a Turian."
In other words, the report was all about Kaidan and what he could do when he was an unstable teen. Shepard hoped that he was being overly cautious towards his lover, but something in his gut screamed "personal" and he would do everything in his considerable power to keep Kaidan safe.
"Yes, but there was actually more included in the reports than that. Hackett sent me everything connected to the file so I could try and figure out why they went after those files specifically. There are easier files to access if someone is looking to ruin the Alliance's reputation after all."
"What else is in the reports?"
"Basically everything they found that says it wasn't a good place to be a biotic. Along with the Alliance's investigation, there were links to all the reports compiled by BAaT on all the trainees: medical records, power levels, reactions to different doses of Red Sand, and projected system failure." Kaidan let out a bitter scoff. "They were actually predicting how long each trainee had until they would be physically and mentally unable to continue, when they would suffer irreparable brain damage from pushing their biotics too hard."
Shepard wanted to ignore the obvious question Kaidan had pretty much laid out for him but he couldn't. "Yours are in there too?"
"Yeah. I was always a strong candidate. Biotics always spiked on the higher end, had a high tolerance to Red Sand, and displayed a high threshold to the training model."
"So they could put you through more before you broke?" Shepard's voice was the coldest it had ever been while speaking to Kaidan.
"Pretty much. Anyway, I'd never seen the files, barely remember the investigation coming off of Red Sand and trauma like I was. Reading everything connected to that place again like that…Well, I had no idea how it would get to me. I thought I put that all behind me years ago. Let it push me forward instead of keep me back. Guess that only lasts as long as I don't have it all thrown in my face."
"Kaidan…" Shepard spoke, trying to quickly find the right words to help soothe his lover.
"I can't find anything to help Hackett figure this out. I couldn't see anything past what I remembered about what I was reading. And I know Hackett is counting on me being able to find something nobody else can because that's what I do. That's what all those commendations from my days as an Intel officer say I'm able to do. But when it comes to something I saw for myself, that I know with familiarity no one else has, I can't piece it together to help him out."
Shepard was suddenly reminded of the mission Hackett had asked him to investigate a few years ago of some deaths all because of a connection to Akuze. Hackett saw the value in making sure you had closure and this was apparently him making sure Kaidan had his own closure with BAaT. Sure, he probably did need Kaidan's eyes in on this one but that wasn't the only reason. After all, it was obvious that both Hackett and Anderson had grown about as close to the biotic as they were with Shepard over the past few years and that comforted Shepard deeply.
Two well-respected Admirals would always have his lover's back.
Back to the issue at hand though, Kaidan obviously hadn't expected to be affected like he was by reading over the reports and files.
Hell, how could anyone know what reading something like that would do to them? It was the most traumatic experience of Kaidan's life – or at least in his teenage years - and to read something reduced to the cold hard facts presented in the most direct manner without any of the emotions involved had to be…well rough didn't come close to what it had to be like.
It was enough to make Kaidan withdraw from people he trusted with his life.
It was enough to make him want to pull away from John.
It was enough to affect pretty much every aspect of his sleep.
It was enough to affect his biotics.
Shepard found himself making a request before really thinking through what he was about to ask, "Can I see them?"
Dark eyes lifted again to look into his blue eyes and Shepard could feel his lover's mind tearing apart the request to figure out the reason. He was so on-guard that Shepard felt the need to hold him tighter and remind him of how deeply they trusted each other, so that's what he did. His arms wrapped even more securely around the biotic's waist, one sliding higher so that both hands and arms were in full contact with Kaidan's skin instead of overlapping as they had been. Kaidan's breath was somewhat forced out of him at the motion but he recovered quickly enough.
"What's the point?" To anyone else, it might have seemed like the Major was challenging Shepard, but the Commander only heard Kaidan searching for answers in the best way he knew how: as a soldier and officer and that meant voice even and bringing things straight to the point.
"To give you a real chance to look at these through experienced eyes." Kaidan's eyes narrowed and so Shepard continued quickly. "Look, when you first told me about Jump Zero, BAaT, Conatix, Rahna, and Vyrnnus I watched you pretty much disappear into what had happened over ten years ago. But I understand why you would: time doesn't mean you stop suffering for things over and done with. Reading everything the Alliance put together about the place has probably got you doing the same thing." Shepard remembered how it seemed like his questions or feedback to Kaidan while the biotic had been sharing a few years ago had been the only reason he even remained engaged in the conversation. And Kaidan had such a tendency to get caught up in his head when he was working. "What's to keep you from getting caught up in what happened instead of what you're reading?"
"And you think letting you see the reports would keep that from happening?" Kaidan's voice was still even, still gathering information.
"We do that for each other all the time, Kaidan. Why should it be different because the reports happen to be about something you were a part of?"
Kaidan maintained eye contact for a few more silent moments before he let out a heavy sigh and leaned his head back against Shepard's shoulder.
"How long have you been sitting on an argument like that, John?" he asked and Shepard felt his muscles relax as he realized that Kaidan had accepted his offer.
"Are you kidding? That one was on the spot. I don't usually have to charm you into sharing information with me." Shepard's voice lifted slightly with emotion as he pressed his forehead into the top of Kaidan's shoulder. He felt Kaidan let out a huff of amusement as the man turned his head and pressed a gentle kiss to Shepard's temple.
"You say that like you've ever been able to bullshit me."
Charm, bullshit, whatever one wanted to call it, Kaidan wasn't wrong.
"Only as much as you've been able to bullshit me so I guess we're even," Shepard responded.
"Or just really good for each other," Kaidan murmured and then appeared to realize just what he had said because Shepard could feel his pulse spike, pressed close to his neck as he was, and lifted his head just enough to give Kaidan a reasonably deeper kiss before the biotic's embarrassment could take hold.
Shepard loved how it didn't matter how long they were together, his lover always maintained some of that awkward uncertainty when it came to being open with his emotions.
Lightening the pressure against Kaidan's lips, but remaining in contact, Shepard whispered honestly, "I can't think of anyone I'd rather be with. You're it for me."
Shepard felt Kaidan's lips lift into a gentle smile as his body relaxed further against him. "You too."
A/N: Thank you for reading and hope you enjoy. Until next time,
Kira Dattei
