Story: A Touch of the Past
Chapter: 11/18
Chapter Summary: When she doesn't walk away…


Chapter 11: Growth

Returning to the Normandy presented something of a conundrum for Kaidan. He was, of course, anxious to get back to where he was most comfortable so that he could take it easy for a while and maybe actually get to a point where he felt like he was recovering instead of just continuing to run around. He wanted to be able to get his report off to Hackett and put the last few days behind him as just another day in the life of a Normandy crew member.

Crazy happened to the people who stuck with Shepard, simple as that.

But then there was the other part of putting this all to rest and that was the woman waiting for some of his time on the ship.

Rahna…

It had been easy to ignore everything when he was so focused on making sure he got everyone out alive, but now that he just had to show up and do what he had tried to do when they'd gotten shipped out of BAaT, he found out just how difficult it was to actually work up the nerve to approach her.

It had been so easy all those years ago.

He was getting an understanding of how Rahna must have felt, trying to turn away someone who you cared about when they wanted nothing but to talk.

Shepard had undoubtedly noticed his strange behavior since he tried to offer him some alternatives to returning to the ship including a detour to Shepard's apartment for a few hours of guaranteed uninterrupted time together, all of which Kaidan refused. Running away wouldn't solve anything. Shepard hadn't pressed him, merely invited him to make his way to his lover's cabin once he was all set.

Kaidan truly loved Shepard for the man's understanding.

So with new leads between his implant, a new amp, and his neck still tingling from the generous application of medi-gel, Kaidan boarded the elevator and asked EDI for a location on Rahna. With an immediate answer given, he headed to the third deck mess hall. He came around the corner of the wall between the elevator and one of the large tables and saw her seated there, eating the latest concoction from the cook. He didn't allow himself the opportunity to hesitate, just walked over and sat down across from her. She looked up at him and he tried to not get too anxious over the flat expression she fixed him with. She had asked for this. It was on her if she didn't really want to talk.

After a few silent moments, Rahna spoke, "Are your implants alright?" Nice neutral place to start.

"Yeah, they're fine. Apparently I work well blind and under pressure." His nerves were making him close off and settle into his manner of gathering information. Rahna deserved more than that, but he just couldn't help himself.

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around what happened, let alone what you did."

The words were familiar to Kaidan, resonating with what he had said to Shepard after the coup. Maybe it was this and the seeming accusation that made it difficult for Kaidan to not automatically get defensive. He should at least wait until she actually accused him of anything before fighting back.

"Meaning?"

"BAaT was behind me. What happened there put so far out of my mind that it was almost like I'd just heard about it from someone else. But then some man brings it all back in just a few days."

"This has been going on for months. You should consider yourself lucky that it was only a few days for you." He would admit that was rather harsh, but it was also true. Some people had given in to Kami because of how long he'd had to work on them.

She shot him a frustrated look to prove his suspicion. "That's cold, even from you."

And that gave him a reason to get defensive, but he took a moment to make sure he didn't get too emotional about it. There was defending himself and there was starting a fight and he didn't want to do the latter.

Though, to be honest, it was so much easier to reign himself back in when it wasn't Shepard, as the man just evoked so much emotion in him.

"You say that like you really know me."

"All the time we were together in BAaT doesn't mean anything?"

"I was seventeen and that was a long time ago, Rahna. I've changed a lot in that time and so have you." He leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms over his chest, collecting himself. "Look, Kami isn't the first extremist or cult that I've run across who used biotics and he won't be the last. As long as there is something for people to take offense at, there are going to be people dragged into their agenda. We just happened to be the ones dragged into it this time around."

"How can you just accept it like that? He was basically torturing us."

"I'm a realist and just a little bit cynical. I blame some of that on BAaT but I'm also an officer and that comes with the territory. Besides, if I let it get to me, I can't do my job and people I care about will get hurt as a result. I won't stand for that."

"Always the protector." She had said something like that in the cell and in the same way: like there was something wrong with that. Like she had let her fear of what she had seen him do to Vyrnnus warp her idea of what it meant to protect someone.

"It's something I can do and I'm good at it."

Rahna fell silent for a few moments and Kaidan watched as she seemed to be carefully considering what she was going to say next. When she did speak, her voice had become distant. "You knew what was going on right from the moment you got there. How?"

Well, she had said she was trying to wrap her head around what had happened and he could tell her some of it at least. Answering the urge to help her understand, he spoke with only minimal concern as to what information she was allowed to be given. "Kami hired someone to steal data connected to BAaT. The Alliance brought me in the know to see if I could figure anything out about who was behind the theft because of my history with the program and as an Intel officer. They were careful though, and we couldn't find who was responsible, only that they were targeting students. I let the Alliance take the investigation back; my position on the Normandy makes it difficult to keep up with an investigation like this, And I haven't actually been working Intel for quite a few years now."

"You just dismissed it? When you knew they were aiming for us?"

"What was I supposed to do about it? There were too many students, more than half were living on Earth, and nothing leading us to who was responsible. Being on the Normandy and serving with Shepard puts me on the front lines of building our defenses against the Reapers. I have to dedicate my focus there."

"But you're one of us."

Kaidan chuckled at that, reaching behind his head with one hand to rub at his head in embarrassment above where his implant was set. "Yeah, that's not going to be let go anytime soon, by Shepard or Hackett. Hell, Anderson will probably give me grief once this gets around to him," he muttered absently, gaining a confused look from Rahna. "I was never worried about them trying for me; I didn't actually think anyone would be insane enough for something like that. I'm associated with Commander Shepard; that should be enough to keep people off my back. Needless to say, Kami is a lot crazier than he is intelligent." That didn't seem to actually help Rahna gain understanding, so Kaidan gave a sigh. "I told Shepard and Admiral Hackett, who I report to within the Alliance, that it didn't matter that I was on that list. I wasn't in any danger. But Kami just found a way to get to me through Shepard instead of trying to go around him."

"You're surprised he went through the trouble?" Rahna asked, though it seemed more like a statement.

"Yeah."

"How could you possibly not think that he would go after you? You are the reason BAaT and later Conatix fell apart. Why would you not think that would be a priority for Kami to get his hands on? You could have made yourself more accessible for him to get to, drawn him out and put an end to this before everyone got involved."

Kaidan scoffed. "I considered that, a few times and in a great variety of scenarios. And if this had happened any time besides now, I would have done it. But I don't have the final say in something like that right now. I'm serving on the Normandy and so Shepard would have to agree." And considering how his lover had reacted to just the thought that someone might be coming after Kaidan, using him as bait would likely be out of the question.

"But don't you outrank him? You're a Major and he's only a Commander. Couldn't you just tell him you had to do it and go?"

Trying not to shudder at the thought of what Shepard would do if Kaidan tried to pull that off, Kaidan tried to think of how best to actually explain his situation. "I'm not on the Normandy because of orders or rank, Rahna. I'm here because it's where I belong. I am part of a crew that I care about and who cares about me, not because of what we can do for each other, but because we want to. And I wouldn't give that up for the sake of some mission that held no guarantee of actually working quickly enough for me to be back in the fight beside them." Kaidan's voice had risen as he spoke, being unable to maintain his calm while defending his place on the Normandy. He rubbed his hands over his face and took a deep calming breath, thanking Liara silently for the time she had spent with him teaching him different ways of meditating to help counter the tension that would lead to a migraine. "Look, I'm sorry for how things went down. I misjudged Kami and you all paid for it. But I'm not going to sit here and look to place blame. All that does is let it control me and I don't give control to anyone or anything."

"Except when you lose it," she shot back. Maybe this was what she had been too afraid of him to say all those years ago.

"I learned from that, not that you can really expect control from a seventeen year old improperly trained biotic jacked up on red sand. But I don't make excuses for what happened: I killed Vyrnnus and part of me died with him. And even though my biotics scared me for a long time after that, I knew they weren't going to stop being a part of me."

"What changed? I know a lot of the abilities you used to break out were way beyond what they taught us at BAaT, not to mention the added difficulty of you being an L2."

Eden Prime happened. Being faced with the Geth and Sovereign and the knowledge of the Reapers. Knowing that holding himself back from his biotics was an easy way to end up dead when he could have still been of use to people who depended on him.

Of course that wasn't what he was going to tell Rahna. Hell, John was probably the only one he would tell something so personal to. So he wouldn't tell her that, but something just as real because that's what she deserved. "I realized that I'm human; biotics don't change that. After that, I could look at my reflection and not see what had been done to me, the blood on my hands. I joined the Alliance a few months after that, let myself be trained and proved to myself what I was really capable of. And that ended up being so much more than anyone at BAaT had led me to believe."

"Kaidan…" Rahna managed to stammer out in a quiet voice.

"We both made a choice the day we were shipped out: you chose to walk away and I chose to let you. Maybe it was for the best, maybe we should have tried harder to fix things. I don't know. I only know that what happened at BAaT and what I did to Vyrrnus…it wasn't where things went wrong that day. And everything that had happened to me since then has led me right where I am. Where I belong. I only hope you have the same to go back to."

"…I did blame you. For a long time. I'd wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and convinced myself that it was you I was really afraid of. But I wasn't even afraid of you, I was afraid that what happened to you would happen to me. That I would kill someone with my biotics and I couldn't take that for so long. I haven't connected an amp since leaving BaaT…haven't done so much as a Lift. I got over it though, found work that allowed me to help people and I healed right along with them. That was when I really found out that I shouldn't have blamed you, that I was wrong and you didn't deserve how I treated you." Rahna's dark eyes lifted to look at him at last and he saw that they seemed lighter, less conflicted. "I started thinking about looking for you about five years ago. It took another year or so for me to actually start looking up your name. But nothing came up when I tried, nothing to tell me that it was actually you. Then three years ago your name starts coming up alongside Commander Shepard's in news vids. I actually didn't think it was you because it was the Alliance and I didn't think you would go back to them."

"And after that, my work meant you wouldn't have been able to make contact," Kaidan mused. Anderson and Hackett had gotten a hold of him after that and had started working him toward being able to take over the Spec Ops division, even if he didn't know that's what they were doing until after he was in charge.

Then there was Shepard coming back to life.

Then there was prepping and appearing during Shepard's trial against the Batarians.

Then the Reapers were there.

That was a shit ton to have someone try to find him through.

"I dug up everything I could on you. It wasn't much, but it was enough for me to see who you had become. And I was happy for you. I am happy for you."

She sounded happy. And that happiness flowed through him as well and he couldn't help but smile back at her.

"I'm glad we were given the chance to work through this," he said, his voice content.

"Me too. And now that everything's worked out between us, you can tell me just how you scored the Commander Shepard as a partner." The switch in topics as well as her demeanor reminded Kaidan that her occupation was a counselor and if she was any good at it, she could lead a conversation with great ease as well as suppress her own reactions and emotions for the sake of who she was talking with.

He only wished his own control was better when it came to personal topics, like his relationship with Shepard. Hell, with the crew they hadn't even needed to tell anyone. They figured it out on their own and suddenly their relationship would work into conversation every once in a while. But it was just another part of their life, part of living with each other every day for months on end broken up by bouts of grave peril. This wasn't the same.

"Excuse me?" he responded as he felt his face heat up.

"Don't even try with that act, Kaidan. You two are obviously in a relationship. So, how did you land yourself in his affections?"

Kaidan remained silent, crossing his arms over his chest and gave her a flat look, communicating in every non-verbal way he knew that this wasn't on the table for discussion.

"Oh, come on, Kaidan. I've never known you while you were in a relationship and I want to know what it's like. You were never really into getting physical with people just for the sake of it, so it must be serious. It must be difficult, being with someone everyone in the galaxy knows about and admires."

"You can stop anytime, Rahna. I'm not going to talk about this," he deadpanned.

Rahna continued as though he hadn't said anything. She was worse than Allers once she got stuck on a topic. "I could tell right away that there was something between you two. His eyes when he stepped through that door and saw you, that's the look of someone in love. Then when he basically had to carry you into the med bay, it was like he was hurting just as much. You two must have something special for him to look like that."

"Are you finished with this?"

"Wow, you are so embarrassed about this. You must really love him. You always did close off whenever something came up that you really cared about. The more you cared, the quieter you got. I'll let it go for now if you answer just one question about it."

Kaidan wanted to just stand up and walk away, but he didn't simply because it was Rahna and they were okay; they also weren't guaranteed to see each other again once she left the Normandy.

"Fine, one question and then we're done."

Rahna nodded, then paused as though she was carefully considering what she was going to ask him. He wasn't buying it though, and figured she knew exactly what she was going to ask him and was having a good laugh at his expense. That was one reason they had gotten along so well at brain camp: she could always challenge him intellectually.

"So are you waiting for him to pop the question or are you going to ask him?"

Ignoring how the motion pulled on the still healing area of his neck, Kaidan placed his crossed arms on top of the table and hid his face behind them as his face burned in embarrassment. He wished he was talking to one of the crew now: he wouldn't allow such an uncharacteristic action if he wasn't already off-balance about the conversation.

Of course she would ask him something like that: she knew him, knew how much finding a family of his own mattered to him. He had talked about finding someone to be able to share his life with even more than she had. He couldn't help it though; his parents had meant everything to him and he thought that if he could find anything close to what they had, then he could say he did something right by them.

And he was pretty sure he'd found that in Shepard.

"I'm not one to jump into something like that. We've got other things to worry about, like even being together when we're facing bullets every time we leave the ship."

"But you have thought about it, haven't you?" She sounded quite smug now.

"I apologize for interrupting, Major Alenko," EDI's voice sounded from the nearest speaker, causing Rahna to startle and look around for the source.

Kaidan couldn't keep from grinning as he straightened up and indicated toward the speaker. "It's alright, EDI. What is it?" He made a mental note to thank EDI for bailing him out of that one. She usually only jumped in if it was something important. Ergo, he could escape the conversation without it seeming like that's what he was doing.

"Commander Shepard has informed Admiral Hackett of your safe return from capture. He has requested to speak with you on vid comm."

"He knows I don't have a report yet, right?"

"He is aware of this, yes. I believe he is merely interested in learning of your experience while he is already in contact."

"Tell him I'll be right there. Let me just wrap things up here."

"Of course, Major. May I ask you something first?"

"Sure."

"What question between you and Commander Shepard is she referring to?"

The smug grin had returned to Rahna's face as Kaidan stood with a heavy sigh. Great, now he would have to curb EDI's questions as well. This wasn't going away anytime soon.

"Not now, EDI," he muttered as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Very well, I will ask Joker."

As long as she didn't ask Shepard since she would word it exactly as Rahna had. "Yeah, you do that," he responded without really thinking about what he'd just said. When it clicked what he had encouraged her to do, he turned to the speaker quickly exclaiming, "Wait, EDI, don't ask Joker."

"I have already questioned him about it."

"And with that, my work is done here," Rahna gloated as she stood. She walked around the table to Kaidan and reached out to grasp his hand briefly. "Don't play it safe with this, Kaidan. You really care about him and he obviously cares about you very much. That's what really matters here, not what you guys have to deal with the rest of the time." She gave him a soothing smile as she stepped away. "Let's try and get together at least one more time before you guys take off, maybe bring your partner along. I would be honored to really meet the one who risked everything to keep you safe."

He just stared at her for a few moments before he shook his head and promised to try and work it out. After all, he had to make sure they weren't set to leave as soon as all the captured biotics were off the ship. Besides, he was sure Shepard wouldn't mind meeting her.

Whether Kaidan may end up minding that they met was another matter he would address later.

He went straight for the elevator then, heading for the comm room on the second deck. It felt good to walk through the CIC, listen in on Campbell and Westmoreland gossip about the latest developments of the war, go through the war room and see the progress of the Crucible. This was what mattered, not some crazy human's vendetta.

Not that he had forgotten that, but the situation as it had gone down had gotten to the Major on quite a few levels.

He entered the comm room to see Shepard already there talking with Hackett. Walking, up next to Shepard, he stood at attention to give the Admiral a quick salute. Hackett nodded to him and he relaxed his posture slightly.

"Alenko, it's good to see you back in one piece," Hackett began.

"Thank you, sir. It's good to be back. EDI said you wanted to speak to me."

"Shepard was able to give me some details of what happened, but there's more gaps than answers here. I know you haven't put together any report, but if you can just give me a little to start with, I'll take it now."

"The man in charge of all this was named Vincent Kami of the Kami Organization. I don't know anything about the organization itself and he didn't say anything except the name. He wanted to use biotics to start a war against humans and decided to start with students of the first human biotic training camp."

"Shepard said they were using some sort of brainwashing to gain compliance from the captured biotics."

"That's correct, but I didn't see exactly what they were doing on that end. When I asked one of the others, they said that they were being injected with something before being put through the brainwashing, but it either wasn't very potent or wasn't well tested against a human biotic metabolism. They were also administering doses of O-E in the food. Kami controlled everything and he was dealing with people that didn't really have any experience with something like this."

"O-E is rarely used."

"Only Cerberus has been reported to have used it before. I called him on an alliance with Cerberus and he admitted to using them for stealing the files on Earth. He claims that is the only involvement and I believe him on that front. He seemed nervous about having to ask for help from them."

"And what was your impression of Kami?"

Kaidan crossed his arms and shifted his weight over to one leg. "Unstable. He had a one track mind and didn't seem to care that there was a war for the survival of the galaxy going on. He didn't even care what repercussions there were to taking me. All he cared about was the war against non-biotics that he wanted to start." Getting Kaidan to join him had seemed pretty important to him as well, but that wasn't something Kaidan wanted to clarify when Shepard was right there. At least not until they were in a more private setting.

"Do you know where he may have gone?"

That caught Kaidan's full attention. "Sir?" he asked, confusion making him revert to official habits.

Shepard answered instead, "We only came across guards and biotics. And Joker reported a shuttle leaving the facility as we were leaving the compound. We think he escaped."

Kaidan vaguely remembered Garrus and Shepard mentioning something Joker had said just before they got to the shuttle. That must have been it.

"Which raises the question: will he come after you again?" Hackett pressed.

Probably, but…

"Even if he did, he's lost his advantage. We know who he is and I have the authority to cut him off from his resources and funds."

Hackett looked thoughtful for a moment. "I'll trust your judgment on this, Major. I'm not as convinced that this man should be dismissed, but you are also right in that he has lost every advantage he had in this."

"I'm not dismissing him, Admiral. But we have other things to worry about and if he is stupid enough to make another move against me, he'll get what he deserves."

Hackett nodded slightly. "I don't doubt that. I've seen enough of your reports to know what you're capable of, Alenko. I look forward to your report to fill in the last gaps, but I don't want to see it for at least 24 hours. Recover, Major, while you have the chance."

"Yes, sir," Kaidan responded with an automatic salute even as he fought giving Shepard a frustrated look. His lover had probably already sent Chakwas and Michel's reports along to Hackett.

"Off the record," Hackett added before the comm could be disconnected. "How you handled this is why Anderson wouldn't take anyone else for the position with the Spec Ops Biotic Division and why I offered you the position after Udina's coup. You aren't wasted on the Normandy by any means, but it's not the only place you would help us win this war. If Kami got what he wanted with you, a lot of people would suffer the loss. Hackett out."

Kaidan was thankful for the Admiral not looking for a response on that because he wasn't sure he would be able to form words after such praise. He lowered his gaze as he thought about Hackett's words, going over them again and again.

Shepard's warm arm came across his shoulders, avoiding making contact with his neck. Kaidan looked at his lover out of the corner of his eyes. "He does that every once in a while: gets all sentimental and blunt about what he thinks of you. Thankfully it doesn't happen very often. You should hear some of the things he's said about me."

Kaidan laughed, "I'm pretty sure I know what he would say."

Shepard looked off to the side, "Sorry about that. I didn't think he would ask for you to put in anything until after he got your report."

"It's alright, I don't mind. I was wrapping up what I was doing."

"Which was? I know it wasn't sleeping."

"Spying on me now?" Kaidan jested.

"Just asked EDI if you were sleeping. I didn't want to wake you up to take the call from Hackett. She said you were talking with one of the other students."

"Yeah, about that…" Might as well get it out of the way, Kaidan decided as he checked the door quickly to make sure nobody was approaching. "Mind if we take this to your cabin? Your security protocols keeping EDI out of the conversation sounds like the way to have a private conversation."

Shepard raised an eyebrow but gave a nod and indicated for Kaidan to lead the way and the Major was glad for the chance to really get some time with Shepard and to relax after all that he'd been through.


A/N: Ah, the joys of writing dialogue to propel plot, which doesn't always take place between people you are comfortable writing for. This one was tough because of that and I just wanted to get back to writing Shepard and Kaidan because they are so easy to write.
Thanks for reading and see you next time.