Story: A Touch of the Past
Chapter: 12/18
Chapter Summary: Shepard and Kaidan wind down…
A/N: Sorry for the wait on this chapter. Time slipped away from me and I lost track of how long it had been since updating.
Chapter 12: Moments
Giving his report to Admiral Hackett seemed to end up representing the bulk of Kaidan's regained strength. He wasn't too surprised, not with the blood loss, lack of food, and use of biotics he had put his body through.
He had followed Shepard back to the man's cabin, fully intent on at least putting a dent in the report to Hackett. Shepard had just shaken his head at him as Kaidan grabbed one of his datapads that had been accumulating on the desk from all the time he worked in the cabin with Shepard. His lover hadn't said anything though, merely turned on his own terminal and started going through his messages as Kaidan removed his boots, curled into the far corner of the couch, and got to work.
He hated having unfinished business and wouldn't let this go if he didn't have to.
He hadn't even lasted ten minutes before his head started to throb, the glow of the holo screen, even dimmed as it was, started causing him to squint a little to cut out some of the light. Used to this, he kept working. His tenacity didn't need to hold out for long though as Shepard walked over to him suddenly and took the datapad from Kaidan's hands. The biotic looked up to his lover, intent on reclaiming the object, but stopped when he took in the man's expression.
"Don't work through it if you don't have to," he said, his voice gentle and caring.
Kaidan's first instinct was to dismiss Shepard's suggestion, used to taking care of himself as he was. But the way Shepard had suggested instead of ordered stopped him. Shepard knew Kaidan, understood how he didn't let a little pain keep him from getting things done, and he respected that about the biotic.
Shepard was in a difficult position in being with Kaidan: he hated seeing the one he cared about in pain and Kaidan's was chronic and once it flared up, could only be endured.
It was the main reason why Kaidan had made sure to keep his distance from Shepard whenever a serious migraine would hit him.
So with that in mind, Kaidan let his body relax in acceptance that he wouldn't be getting any work done for a while. Shepard set the datapad on the small table before reaching out and taking Kaidan's hand. Kaidan allowed Shepard to help pull him to his feet and the pair walked over to the bed. Shepard pulled down the covers as Kaidan stripped out of his hoodie and pants, then sat down on the edge of the bed. Shepard stripped down as well before joining him and settling into a comfortable position on his back. Kaidan followed him down on his left side to face his lover, pulling the sheets up to their hips as he positioned himself, resting his head on Shepard's shoulder. He lay his right arm across Shepard's waist, tucking his other arm along Shepard's body. Shepard wrapped one arm around Kaidan's shoulders, reaching up with his hand to run his fingers through thick hair as the other hand settled over the arm resting across him.
The two remained still for a long time, both just taking in the comfort of holding each other again. Despite certainly needing sleep, Kaidan couldn't relax his mind enough to actually fall asleep. It was alright though. His headache wasn't getting any worse and Shepard's gentle touch was the next best thing to keeping him relaxed enough to keep a migraine from taking hold.
After a long time, Shepard's fiddling with his hair shifted to the chain around his neck, then to the tags secured underneath his shirt, pulling them free to turn them over in his hands. By the way he was fidgeting with them, something was obviously on his mind and Kaidan waited for him to actually put his thoughts into words.
When Shepard remained quiet for longer than usual, Kaidan broke the silence in a quiet tone, "What is it?"
Shepard's hold tightened slightly and Kaidan couldn't keep from smiling at the sign of a startle. His lover was usually better at determining if he was asleep or not. Maybe he'd just been distracted.
"Thought you were asleep," Shepard confirmed Kaidan's thought.
"Holding steady at really relaxed."
"Yeah, me too," Shepard responded, turning his head to rest his lips against Kaidan's forehead.
"So what's on your mind? You've been messing around with my tags for a while now."
Shepard paused in answering. "I didn't want to talk about it until I saw your report."
"Right, I'm going to have to include that I have one of yours in my report." Kaidan mused absently. Nothing like throwing it in the Alliance's face that there was something between them beyond simple crewmates.
"Not where I was going with that, but you've got a point." Kaidan huffed out a laugh and curled in closer to Shepard's warmth. "Hackett will probably redact the content if he thinks it's going to be an issue. End of everything as we know it tends to make people not care so much about the little things. We know the Council won't care." He took in a deep breath, obviously redirecting his focus. "How'd you know about the tracker?"
Kaidan continued to smile at the question, recalling that Shepard hadn't actually told him about the device. "Static discharge from my biotics."
"And altering the signal? I didn't know that could be done with them."
"Biotics affect the signal, boosting it before dispersing the extra charge. Figured that one out from the scans I did of it after I found it."
Shepard's chest moved with a soft laugh. "Leave it to you to find a new way to use old tech. Joker's pretty impressed with the whole Morse Code thing by the way."
"I expect he'll be using that on the next story he spins to get out of buying drinks."
"I hope not. His stories are bad enough without stealing ideas from the rest of us."
"Thanks for not letting me down and remembering it from basic." The pair fell silent again, Shepard continuing to fiddle with the tags and Kaidan could feel some tension in his lover's body that hadn't been there before. Kaidan took a guess at what Shepard was getting wound up about: he'd been the one to bring up the consequences of Shepard failing to understand his message, any of them. "I know what I did was risky, and I'm sorry that I worried you like I know you were."
Shepard stayed quiet for a few moments before asking, "Were you planning on doing that all along?"
"Getting captured, no. But when I had the chance to close the investigation, I couldn't just let it pass because it was dangerous." He lifted his head enough to look up to Shepard's face, the man's gaze intent upon him. "I had the chance to do something about it, to stop Kami and I took it. You understand." As many decisions as Shepard had made for the sake of others, he was certain to understand. He just had to see past the personal aspect of the situation.
"Yeah, I understand. I'm just not used to…" he trailed off, apparently not sure of what it was exactly he wanted to say. Kaidan turned into Shepard a little more, bringing his left arm up to rest on the bed beside Shepard's arm. Shepard had let his own arm move from around Kaidan and rested on the pillow above his head.
"What, John?" Kaidan pressed. He felt like it was important for his lover to put this into words.
"I've never been so afraid of the consequences of failing. You weren't exactly clear in your message to Joker," he sounded pretty upset about that.
Kaidan shifted again, moving his right hand up to Shepard's chest and then resting his chin on top of it. "I couldn't risk the message being intercepted and them figuring out how you could track me. I knew you'd figure it out and you did. Whatever it took for you to do so doesn't matter."
Shepard reached out with both hands and cupped Kaidan's face between them. "I know you're trying to move past this and helping me to as well, but right now I just need you to listen to me."
"I'm listening, John," Kaidan soothed. Shepard was really off-balance about the situation.
"We've lost a lot in this war. Planets, colonies, allies, friends. I do what I can to let the loss push me forward, to give me just that little bit more to fight for. When we got back together, I meant what I said about having you to turn to, to live for. And each day I can have you beside me that becomes more real for me." Shepard hesitated and he leaned forward to touch his forehead to Kaidan's, his vibrant blue eyes closing. "Kaidan, I can't lose you. You, more than anything else, gives me what I need to keep pushing back against the Reapers. To keep going in this damn war that just doesn't stop throwing shit at us."
Kaidan's breath hitched at Shepard's admission, at how he said it. There was so much he wanted to say in return, but was just overwhelmed by emotion. He instead shifted the angle of his head and captured John's lips in a tender kiss, which Shepard responded to immediately, somewhat desperately, in fact.
Shepard's right hand went around the back of Kaidan's head, holding the biotic against him as it normally would. Kaidan was about to return some sort of embrace when he was suddenly rolled over beneath his lover's firm body. Once Shepard settled his weight against him, Kaidan wrapped his arms around his lover's back, pulling him in tight, no matter how his stiff muscles protested the action.
Since the first time they had slept together, John had always been a passionate lover. He would push Kaidan to the brink quickly, then hold him there for as long as he could. And Kaidan, while certainly not a passive lover by a long shot, was usually simply swept away by just how much Shepard evoked in him. He lost control more ofthen that not when it came to being with Shepard.
This wasn't any different. In fact, he could swear he was losing it faster than normal, though with the high emotions of the past day or so it wasn't too much of a surprise.
One of Shepard's hands left its place at his face and caressed down Kaidan's chest, applying pressure around places he knew to be more sensitive as he moved completely atop Kaidan to slide between parted legs. Kaidan let out a moan as Shepard's body pressed into his arousal and his grip around Shepard tightened as he felt Shepard's own hardening flesh push against him. Shepard didn't let up on the pressure, rolling his hips into Kaidan to chase the sensation.
As Kaidan's own pleasure increased, he lost track of the kiss, leaning his head back against the pillow and letting Shepard access his neck, lips and teeth laving on the attention and Kaidan was pushed further into his arousal.
"John, I'm not…" He was interrupted by a pleased moan as Shepard rolled his hips firmly against him, making slight contact through his underwear against his perineum. He felt Shepard's lips lift and knew the man had done that on purpose, wanting to hear him get breathless. He would often retaliate in some manner, usually with some quick biotics in just the right places to get the same result from his lover, but this time he let it go to get out the words as intended.
"I'm not gonna last. Please, John…" he breathed, his body shaking from the effort he needed to keep himself coherent enough to even talk sensibly.
Shepard must have heard something in his voice because he backed off a bit, reaching out to the bedside table and locating the lubricant they kept there. He didn't stay away though, settling right back in against Kaidan's entire body and Kaidan moaned again at Shepard's weight pressing him into the bed once more.
"Keep that up and this isn't going any further," he murmured, hoping repetition would tell Shepard he was serious and needed to back off a bit if he was looking for it to last long enough to even get inside of Kaidan.
"Stop holding yourself back, Kaidan. I want you to let go and just be with me."
Kaidan needed more functioning brain cells to really work that one out enough so he would remember it afterwards, but for now he just held on as Shepard began working his underwear off his hips, adding in caresses over sensitive flesh as he went. Shepard's other hand worked Kaidan's shirt up, bunching the material up under the biotic's arms so he could start giving attention to the skin of his chest, effectively distracting Kaidan from the first intrusion of a finger into his opening.
Which also brought the first wave of biotics rippling over Kaidan's skin as he breathed out a pleased moan.
"That's it, Kaid," John murmured against his skin, twisting his wrist around to press right against his lover's prostate to get another flare of biotics and a harsh gasp along with them.
Kaidan reached down between them and grabbed onto Shepard's wrist, stilling the thrusting motions, which only partially worked as his lover just focused more on sliding a second finger inside of him. When a third quickly followed, Kaidan knew Shepard was working to stay ahead of his own peak.
Shepard pulled away from him enough to yank Kaidan's underwear completely from him as well as discard his own, then he was urging Kaidan's legs around his waist and was steadily pressing into Kaidan's body. Kaidan kept his breathing even and controlled, making sure he remained relaxed, that his body didn't try to fight the breach. There was a hint of pain and he gripped the sheet beneath him in his hands to allow the tension to go somewhere and he held on until Shepard bottomed out, his hips flush against Kaidan. As Shepard paused for a few moments to allow the biotic to adjust, he moved his hands to take hold of Kaidan's, pulling his grip free from the sheet and intertwining their fingers together. He brought their hands to rest next to Kaidan's head, then leaned forward so he could kiss his lover deeply. As the passionate kiss continued, Shepard began rolling his hips into Kaidan in quick thrusts, using his position to trap Kaidan's erection between them, sliding it against his taut stomach to spread the bead of moisture forming at the tip to tease him further.
Kaidan broke the kiss to gasp in a breath at the pleasure, touching his forehead to Shepard's. His lover's motions gradually increased again, keeping Kaidan right on that brink, as if to prove how well he knew Kaidan's body, how well he knew how to be with Kaidan. Shepard continued to build up speed and force, snapping his hips against Kaidan to penetrate him deeply.
And Kaidan loved the show of strength, loved feeling like he could rely on his lover to take care of him. Because as much as he embodied the mindset as well as the talents of a Sentinel, he couldn't always be the one doing the protecting. He needed someone to watch out for him too, and Shepard was the only one he had – and probably only would – ever trusted with protecting him.
That, as much as the press of hard flesh inside his body and the pressure against his own erection, pushed him over the edge and Kaidan came with a breathy cry of "John!" as his body tightened around his lover and a ripple of biotics flowed over both of their bodies as Kaidan lost himself to his orgasm. Shepard let out a content moan as well as his hips continued to move, chasing his own completion quickly. It only took another dozen or so thrusts before Shepard's grip on Kaidan tightened and the rhythm of his hips faltered and Kaidan felt the man release into him, bringing another breathy moan from the biotic at the sensation.
Shepard usually outlasted Kaidan during sex, the biotic simply not as experienced as Shepard was. Kaidan's life after BAaT and the distrust and insecurity with others that had been ingrained into him had meant he didn't seek release in that manner often. Sure, he'd gone into this relationship with Shepard having slept with both men and women before – though the total didn't even come close to double digits - but there hadn't been the fierce emotions that fueled everything he did with Shepard.
"Kaid?" John's voice, deep and caring and soft in a manner that he only took with Kaidan, called his attention back to his surroundings. His amber eyes opened lazily, his spent body ready to get some sleep, and his gaze locked with Shepard's. His lover looked slightly concerned, which wasn't usually an expression he wore after sex.
"Yeah?" Kaidan murmured back.
Shepard let go of his right hand and traced his fingers along Kaidan's cheek, bringing the biotic's attention to the moisture there. It wasn't sweat.
"What were you thinking about?" Shepard asked, keeping his weight off Kaidan. He wanted to take in all of his lover's face to better read his expression.
"Just you," Kaidan responded, not even trying to make his words less slurred. He didn't need to pay attention to how he talked with Shepard, knew that his lover even found it quite alluring when his voice was so relaxed. "You're it for me. So don't let me go." Shepard must have heard what he wanted because he released Kaidan's other hand and wrapped both arms around the smaller man in a fierce embrace, pressing his face into Kaidan's neck as though he were trying to meld his body with Kaidan other than how his softening erection was still inside his lover.
"Not gonna happen."
They were the spearhead of the war against the Reapers. They had every species looking at them, judging them, following them. Trusting in them. And now there was some insane guy out there wanting to force biotics to revolt against humans and drag Kaidan with him.
But all that paled in comparison to what they were to each other.
Shepard was the reason Kaidan found people to really trust in. He was what Kaidan needed to make sure he stayed human when there were still people out there who only saw his powers and called him something else.
And apparently Kaidan was what Shepard needed to keep coming back. All the talent he had on the battlefield and he still needed something to push him hard enough to make sure he survived. And Kaidan was that something.
Kaidan couldn't have gotten a better deal out of his life than Commander John Shepard's love. He only hoped Shepard thought even the slightest bit the same about having his love.
Which strangely reminded Kaidan of what Rahna had brought up. He lifted his arms, the limbs still heavy and slow to respond, and wrapped them under Shepard's arms, holding on to muscled shoulders.
They'd been way too serious for long enough. It was time to get back to being themselves. "If EDI or Joker ask you about one of us popping the question, it's all Rahna's fault. She asked and I didn't stop EDI in time before she asked Joker what it meant."
Shepard lifted his head and looked down at Kaidan with an incredulous look, apparently needing another moment to catch up with the shift in mood.
When he did, his voice was a strange blend of emotion. "Rahna asked you if we were getting married?"
"I think she was just messing with me, getting me all worked up because some things never change…" he trailed off in a dark tone, fighting off giving Shepard a dirty look along that subject. "But she asked if it was going to happen and who would do the asking."
Shepard let out a brief chuckle as he unwound himself from around Kaidan and leaned over the edge of his side of the bed, returning with his discarded shirt. He used it to gently wipe Kaidan's stomach and between his legs. Apparently he wasn't willing to go too far from the bed at the moment, since he was willing to give up a shirt for the sake of cleaning up. "Can't imagine why you aren't too excited about me meeting her. Sounds like I'd get along with her just fine."
"I love it when you answer your own questions." Shepard gave him a grin as he settled back in next to the biotic, pulling him back into position across his chest.
"So what did you say?" Shepard asked after a brief silence.
"About what?"
"Who do you think should be the one to ask?" Shepard's confidence just made Kaidan flush and he buried his face further against Shepard's chest to try and quell the reaction. "I'm not sure why you're getting all flustered about this. It's just a question about a question. And I don't have any doubts about the answer, so that's a load off. I just want to make sure we get it right."
"You're an asshole," Kaidan accused, though there wasn't much heat to the statement.
Shepard pressed a firm kiss to the top of Kaidan's head for that and the pair fell into a comfortable silence.
Kaidan thought back over what Shepard had said and found himself fighting a contented smile at his lover's declaration. To know that Shepard held such confidence that he wouldn't hesitate to commit to Kaidan brought such a rush of emotion that Kaidan had never known before.
And to be confident of what his own answer would be if Shepard asked him brought a sense of calm.
But the biotic's opinion was firm: the middle of a war wasn't the time for them to do something like that, something so personal and…selfish.
And Kaidan also couldn't quell the insecurity that Shepard would find someone else he wanted more.
Kaidan was finally managing to doze off, as Shepard had taken up combing his fingers absently through his hair again. His breathing gradually evened out and his body released all tension as it approached the sleep he needed.
He wasn't sure if he really heard Shepard speak one last time before he fell asleep. "Don't worry Kaidan. I'll take care of it. Just need to find how to do it without it looking like it's because the galaxy might end."
And regardless of the lives that the pair led, where every day may bring about the mission that got them killed, they were safe with one another.
Together was where they belonged.
A/N: This was originally the final chapter when I first wrote the story. Then I got a comment from the person who eventually became my beta for the story and she kicked off further plot bunnies, resulting in an additional six chapters. Don't get me wrong: I absolutely love what was added and some of my favorite exchanges occur in the last few chapters. But if this there's a final feel to this chapter, that's why.
Happy holidays, and see you next time!
Kira Dattei
