Story Title: A Touch of the Past
Chapter: 13/17
Chapter Summary: It's always 20/20…
A/N: Hope you enjoy.
Chapter 13: Hindsight
A full night of rest seemed to be just what Kaidan needed to get his bearings again. Not that this was necessarily a surprise to him, used to positions and responsibilities that could call on him at any moment as he was. A few hours of solid sleep would get him through any length shift with a low likelihood of getting anything worse than an irritating headache. The ten hours he'd managed to get after finally settling down with Shepard had been downright revitalizing, nearly to the point of not being able to actually remain still once awake.
Kaidan had awoken at a leisurely pace, gradually becoming aware of his surroundings instead of the usual hasty manner he normally did. He wasn't too concerned about it, as that was greatly influenced by Shepard's warmth at his side. How he woke up had always been different when he was with Shepard: more relaxed and not as guarded. He simply trusted the man on too deep of a level for it to be any other way.
At some point through the night, Kaidan had rolled over onto his other side and away from his lover. It wasn't unusual, what with the biotic's body naturally generating enough heat that they would separate for the sake of cooling off. Kaidan was a little surprised, though, that either of them had moved at all last night; between the level of fatigue, both men recovering from an extremely stressful couple of days, and the extreme relief at being together again, their sleep would have been deeper than normal.
Moving past the thought – it didn't matter, since he'd still been able to be with Shepard – he took an inventory of his physical state. The medi-gel had done its job well so far, healing up most of his cuts and bruises except for the deeper damage around his right shoulder and neck. Those would take a few days to completely clear up and Kaidan figured he'd only continue using medi-gel on his neck; his shoulder didn't need any more help to get back to full working order and he wasn't apt on wasting supplies. He didn't need more requisition forms to go through and didn't want to give more work to Cortez.
There was a twinge of soreness in his ass that hadn't been there before and brought a satisfied sigh from him. Shepard had rushed things a little last night, after all. But Kaidan had had far worse in bodily discomfort before and had wanted it just as much as his lover had.
He decided quickly that while he wasn't necessarily ready to get out of bed - enjoying just being able to relax next to Shepard for a while - he also realized that he wouldn't be able to remain still as he was. He didn't really do idle, period. So he eased himself up, straightened out the thin shirt, and quickly located his underwear at the foot of the bed. He went to the bathroom and relieved himself before using a wet towel to clean himself up a little more thoroughly from last night. When he left the bathroom moderately more comfortable, he detoured enough on his way back to the bed to grab his datapad from off the small table where Shepard had placed it and then moved smoothly back into place next to his lover. He leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to the side of Shepard's mouth for no other reason than he wanted to, then settled onto his side with the length of his back pressed against the warmth of his lover's body, letting his head relax on John's extended arm.
Once positioned comfortably he set to the task of working through the reports he'd be sending to the Council and Hackett. What had happened at the colony was easy enough to get through, the content not really any different than what he normally had to write up on such missions. Once he had his omnitool back, he could attach the message he sent Joker for a time stamp.
Though that thought did make him realize something that did sort of bother him: that message and the time he'd been returned to the Normandy were the only times he knew for sure. Everything else had been his best guess. Granted, he had a very good internal clock – most soldiers serving off-planet did – and knew he'd stayed on top of it well based on when he got back to the ship. But he realized in hindsight that he'd been affected by this fear that he'd estimated wrong, that he would have been wrong in his estimation of when Shepard would be showing up.
He'd played it safe. Fighting back against the guards when they came for him, not allowing himself to witness the brainwashing they were attempting, cutting his time short, then moving to escape right away. That had all been him playing it safe and letting doubt cloud his assessment.
He let the datapad rest against the mattress next to him.
It had been a long time since he'd allowed the doubts that regularly churned through his mind to actually take form through his actions like this. Probably the last time had been Horizon when his dubiousness of Shepard had made him walk away from him when he really just wanted to be at his side again.
He could have hidden his amp, made sure the lead was pressed back into place within the gash when removed from the cell. The ones who had taken him had apparently just looked for signs of an exposed port and in not seeing one had deemed him not connected to one. After all, not many human biotics who needed routine maintenance because of regular use would have made the choice he did with the subdermal amp, worrying about needing to be cut open every few months. Not when it meant possibly getting cut open, however superficially, every few months at least.
Kaidan had needed there to be less risk to the amp itself, though. He dealt with enough risk from the implant, which he couldn't really do anything about as long as he refused to get rid of the L2. But he had access to things most human biotics didn't because of his Alliance rank and Spectre status: top quality amps from all over the galaxy and doctors that had significantly more experience with biotics than any human. That experience meant no incision needed for every single check, only if there was something seriously wrong.
So, he hadn't been worried about any of the risks usually associated with subdermal installation.
Either way, he could have done more to make sure there had been no loose ends, like Vincent Kami still being alive. Now he would always have to keep an eye over his shoulder, looking for him coming to continue his work or for revenge. Kaidan couldn't just accept that Kami was gone; he'd already been proven wrong in the man's willingness to go through with something bearing severe risk.
If anybody else got hurt by Kami, it would be on Kaidan's shoulders. He would be to blame for his mistake. How was he supposed to bear something like that? His failure at Horizon, losing all those colonists to the Collectors, had been difficult enough to move past.
He took in a deep breath and brought his hand to his face, rubbing his fingers along his brows in an attempt to soothe his rising frustration.
Shepard shifted beside him, his body turning onto his side to press against Kaidan's back, his arm coming around his waist as the arm beneath Kaidan's head curled across Kaidan's chest, pulling the slightly smaller man against Shepard's firm body. The man huffed out a deep breath against Kaidan's neck as he nuzzled against the back of his head. The biotic winced slightly at the brief pressure on sensitive skin but made sure he remained still, even relaxing a little more to try and ensure Shepard stayed asleep. He'd slept through Kaidan getting up and working, so he obviously needed some rest.
Shepard settled soon enough, though his hold remained firm. Not that Kaidan minded. He'd been going down a pretty dark line of thinking and Shepard's presence helped keep him from letting himself go too far. He wasn't dismissing the threat, merely keeping from becoming so entrenched that he couldn't approach it correctly.
Anyway, what was done concerning Kami wasn't what he needed to focus on right now. It had nothing to do with the report he was currently working on. Lifting his datapad again and shifting his arms slightly to accommodate Shepard's embrace, he returned to his work, somewhat struggling in getting through making sure everything was accurate. His time unconscious after returning to the Normandy had muddled things a little and he had to stop and really consider the order of events. An hour later he turned off the display of his datapad, finished with the content of the report. He would go over it again once he was really awake and add in any final details, but for the most part it was ready to be sent on.
Setting the datapad down on the bed, he rested his arm over Shepard's around his waist and let out a deep breath, his body relaxing again. He could tell he wasn't quite completely back to normal as the edges of his eyes stung a little even after such a short time looking at a screen. It was probably due more to having not eaten in a while, the last thing being some food he and Shepard had grabbed before heading to the cabin. His stomach was going to start complaining any time now and then he'd have to get moving.
Shepard moved behind him, just a slight shift of position with his face still pressed against the back of Kaidan's head. "Finished?" the man's sleep-roughened voice broke the silence. Kaidan stiffened in surprise that Shepard was awake. He hadn't noticed Shepard's breathing change. Oh well. If Shepard was awake he didn't need any more sleep.
"Mostly, just need my omnitool back for some final touches," he murmured in response. "How long have you been awake?"
"Not long. Was ready to wake up. Though I was hoping I would beat you."
Kaidan smiled at Shepard's obvious disappointment. The biotic knew how much Shepard enjoyed letting him sleep, liked that he was the only one that could get out of bed and move around the cabin as opposed to when the Major slept in the crews' quarters. Kaidan would wake up every time someone moved in close proximity to him, which had been part of the reason for them to really figure out a place to put him that was somewhat separated from them.
Kaidan suspected it also had something to do with Shepard being able to just be with someone as their lover and not have to be Commander Shepard. And Kaidan returning to bed as he had this morning was unusual, as he was one to get up and go.
"Got more sleep than I'm used to," Kaidan pointed out. "Been up for about two hours."
"And you're still in bed? How did I get so lucky?" Shepard's voice was amused and Kaidan felt lips brush against the back of his neck. He reluctantly had to pull forward away from the contact against the healing area. He felt Shepard tense, the man obviously remembering suddenly that he couldn't pay attention to a part of Kaidan that he liked to lavish with attention, at least for another day or so. "I'm sorry Kaidan. Are you okay?" he asked, concern evident.
"I'm fine, Shepard. The skin is healed and it's just sensitive. Everything is healing."
"Still sorry. I don't like hurting you."
"Good thing you didn't then," Kaidan quipped, more to get Shepard out of his blaming process than anything else. "So, you haven't told me where we're going next." He wasn't willing to let them be detoured from their mission any longer than they already had been.
Shepard sighed behind him as he rolled back a little, pulling Kaidan with him. They were still mostly on their sides but now Kaidan's weight was really pressed up against his lover's. They were apparently not getting out of bed in any manner resembling haste unless they had to. Kaidan could get behind that.
"Actually, Aria sent me a message about a week ago, asking me to meet up with her here at the Citadel as soon as I could."
That caught Kaidan's attention. He wished he could actually look at Shepard to gauge him, but that wasn't happening. "What could Aria want? She's already given us the support of the gangs of Omega."
"Might be about Omega. You know she doesn't like to lose and she lost Omega to Cerberus."
"Maybe."
Kaidan had only seen Aria T'Loak from a distance, mostly in the past few months as he spent a lot of time at the Citadel and she continued to remain at Purgatory. He was a little too straight-laced to be of any appeal to her, though she did seem to acknowledge him on some level. Probably only because he had a history and worked with Shepard.
"I figured I'd go see her tomorrow, after I make sure everything with the captured biotics is settled before shifting focus."
"Actually, I'd like to get them taken care of," Kaidan said somewhat tentatively. He wasn't worried about Shepard denying him this, but for some reason he felt like he was still giving in to his history by feeling personal responsibility over those that had been captured. But feeling that way and being able to ignore the urge to see this all through to the end were two different things and he didn't feel like letting this opportunity pass. He had the chance to make things right between some of these people and the Alliance and that was important to him.
Unfortunately Shepard proved how well he knew Kaidan by calling him on it: "You don't owe them anything, Kaid." Shepard wasn't usually one for pet names – he actually just liked Kaidan's name too much – so when he pulled out that way of referring to his lover, he wanted him to listen.
"I know, but I want to see this through." Kaidan moved within Shepard's embrace, pulling away enough so that he could throw his leg across Shepard's hips to straddle him. Once Shepard realized he didn't intend to leave the bed, he loosened his hold, settling both hands on Kaidan's hips, fingers slipping beneath his shirt to brush against skin. Kaidan settled his weight down on Shepard's body, leaning his elbows on either side of Shepard's head, bringing him in full contact with John's body. He gave Shepard a brief kiss, not able to keep from doing so being so close. "John, I may not really owe them anything, but it feels wrong to not even give them my time of day. Even after I figured out Kami was targeting the students, I didn't give them more than passing acknowledgment. They deserve more than that for what they've gone through, fifteen years ago as well as over the past few months."
"I'm not going to stop you from doing this, just as long as it doesn't get in the way of what you are doing here."
"Making sure they end up safe is what we do here. We help people and then ensure they stay as safe as we can considering the state of the galaxy."
"Dammit Kaidan, stop making a good argument. I don't want you involved with this any longer," While he'd started with something that would have been said in amusement, it didn't come through and Shepard was completely serious. He was getting frustrated about losing out to Kaidan's point on this.
Kaidan pressed another kiss to his lover's lips, though they remained stiff and unresponsive; Shepard knew he was trying to placate him. He also figured this was about more than Kaidan taking care of a few freed captives and took a guess as to what was really the issue. "I'm worried that Kami got away, too, but me staying involved with the other biotics isn't going to change whatever he decides to do."
The grip on his waist tightened and Kaidan figured he guessed right. Shepard's eyes looked away momentarily before returning to lock their gaze. "I love you, Kaidan. I don't want to ever see you in the state you were in when I stepped into that hall, your blood all over you and barely able to stand on your own."
"I've had worse. Recently." Mars had been way more dangerous to Kaidan than anything Kami had done or intended to do. At least in Kaidan's opinion.
"Not the point. When are you going to get that this isn't about you being able to fight when the person is targeting you because of who you are? You haven't really dealt with that before and it is far more dangerous than any fight we may get involved with. See, as much as I hated that you went through what you did, I know it could easily have been much worse. You lucked out that Kami apparently wanted you in one piece to be of use to him. And that might not be the case anymore with shutting him down like we did."
Shepard had been targeted by a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons. He was definitely the voice of experience on this. And yet, Kaidan couldn't accept walking away without doing more. Shepard should understand that about him by now.
"I hear you, Shepard, I really do. But that's not enough to keep me from doing what I think is right by these people, not when I've got the power to help."
Shepard's eyes closed tightly as he pressed his forehead against Kaidan's; his hands moved to wrap around Kaidan's waist in a nearly painful embrace. "Why couldn't you just not care?"
"Because if I was a heartless asshole, you wouldn't love me." Shepard's arms tightened ever so slightly, probably at the thought of there being anything making it so they weren't here like this, together with such emotions for one another. But Kaidan was right, Shepard loved him for who he was. If he wanted something different in a partner, he would have never gotten together with Kaidan on the SR-1 or would have found someone else in the time they'd been parted. He wouldn't have waited for them to work out everything that had come between them since he'd been brought back by Cerberus.
Still, Shepard responded with a murmured, "True."
"But that's not the case. I am who I am and I love you, too."
Shepard softened a little at that, his lips lifting slightly in a soft smile. His hands moved up Kaidan's back, caressing the skin as his touch followed the line of muscle up to Kaidan's shoulders, using the grip to hold the biotic even closer against him. Not that there had been much distance between them to begin with. He lifted his head and kissed Kaidan firmly, working his tongue into the biotic's mouth almost immediately. Kaidan let out a short moan as he curled one arm under Shepard's head and the other rubbed over the man's buzzed scalp. Shepard breathed one in return as he continued to taste his lover.
Kaidan answered the growing desire in him and rolled his hips down into Shepard, the man returning the motion at once and proof of Shepard's matching lust was evident. The biotic broke the kiss with a deep gasp, a wave of pleasure flooding through him as pressure was created against both his hardening erection and near his opening. He didn't stay away from Shepard though, moving his lips to his lover's neck and he began kissing and nipping at the exposed skin, the man beneath him moaning his appreciation.
Just as Shepard's hands started to move back down Kaidan's back, the pair were interrupted by the second most common thing to break them from any task: Kaidan's stomach. It let out a loud grumble, reminding Kaidan that he had gone a long time without eating and he needed to consider that before engaging in more strenuous activities.
Kaidan dropped his head against Shepard's shoulder with a sigh while Shepard let out a laugh, as he normally did when Kaidan's metabolism was the reason they would stop messing around. It didn't help that Shepard wouldn't just ignore it and reach release before parting to see Kaidan's stomach satisfied. Worse was that the biotic couldn't say if it was the man just taking care of him or if he just knew it was a great way to throw Kaidan off for a few hours as he had to work while keeping his mind off being left wanting his lover.
Probably both, considering how much of an ass Shepard could be about messing with him.
Shepard kissed Kaidan's temple and then rolled over so the biotic was beneath him. "Come on, let's silence that monster before Vega hears it in the Shuttle Bay and never lets you live it down."
Shepard slid out from between Kaidan's legs and started going through the motions of dressing, the biotic following at a slower pace.
As he straightened from pulling on his pants, Shepard stepped up beside him and placed his arm around Kaidan's shoulders. "No need to sulk about it. We've got all day."
Kaidan gave his partner a disbelieving look. "You mean we have until someone decides there's something they absolutely need Commander Shepard to take care of," he corrected.
Shepard scoffed and pulled away, running his fingers through Kaidan's thick hair, then walked over to his work area. "They can wait until tomorrow. Maybe if the Reapers attacked the Citadel I would deem that important enough, but that's it."
Kaidan shrugged into his hoodie and zipped it up on his way over to couch where he'd left his boots. "I'd wager money someone will find something to get your help with through the day that you won't be able to ignore."
There was a few seconds silence from Shepard and Kaidan wondered if his partner was going to take him up on that bet. Then Shepard spoke in a somewhat sheepish tone, "Pass, my odds aren't good enough to win that one." The man walked back around the divider full of models and descended the few steps toward Kaidan. "Here, your omnitool," he declared as he held the tech out to Kaidan, who took it with a pleased smile.
"Thanks Shepard," he said as he slid it into place on his wrist, activating it and disabling the extra security protocols so he could check to make sure nothing had been damaged. Quickly satisfied that everything was alright with it, he stood and grabbed the datapad he'd been working on from the bed before following Shepard out the door and to the elevator.
It wasn't until they were heading down to the third deck that Shepard noticed the datapad – he'd already been heading toward the door and hadn't noticed Kaidan detour back to the bed - and he crossed his arms over his chest. "You get on me about working when we're allowed to take it easy and you bring work with you."
"I'm bringing it so you can read it while I eat. You can find out what happened and check my work before I forward it to the Council and Hackett. Two birds, one stone kind of thing…three if you include me getting food instead of having to narrate it all."
Shepard looked like he was going to offer some sort of argument but remained silent. As the elevator door opened, he held his hand out and Kaidan passed over the datapad with a grin. He knew Shepard was anxious for the details of what had happened to Kaidan from probably before he'd been thrown out that window. They grabbed some food and took a seat at the nearby table next to each other to start on their respective tasks. Kaidan ended up returning for more twice, his body finally seeming to catch up with the last few day's lack of food.
He had finished a few minutes later and set about going through some of the messages he'd received while out of commission on his omnitool, waiting for Shepard to finish reading. The commander set down the datapad, brow furrowed as he reached over to take his hand. Kaidan turned off the display of his omnitool, intertwining their fingers together.
"You're a badass, you know that?" Shepard said, his tone a strange blend of amused and awed. Kaidan found the thought that Shepard was surprised by how he had handled the situation somewhat ironic, considering how often the Commander left them all stunned by things he did while on missions that actually worked.
"Any particular reason for that assessment?" Kaidan asked with a grin.
"Are you serious? If you'd turned in a report like this when we first met you would have been promoted."
"I wasn't that close to a promotion. Probably would have only gotten another commendation if they thought it was necessary to do anything."
"Yes, a commendation to go with the twenty or so you already had. But come on, figuring out a way to use your biotics to stop your fall on the way down, using knowledge no one had a way of knowing you had, getting intel on Kami and his connection to Cerberus while captured, reconnecting a severed amp, sending a message through fucking Morse Code, and getting free before the rescue party got to you. There's not really anything else you could have done to make that go better."
Kaidan shrugged slightly, "I could have done more. I shouldn't have shortened my time."
Shepard rolled his eyes at that and grumbled out, "Always looking for a way to undermine your own work. Just take my word on this over your own: this could have gone a lot worse in so many ways, but it didn't. A big part of the reason why it didn't was because it was you calling the shots. Hackett knew you would know what needed to be done; even called that you would cut your deadline short. There's a reason I made you the second-in-command of the Normandy and reports like this…" He held up the datapad for emphasis, "…is why I rely on you."
Kaidan knew his cheeks had flushed some from the compliments and straightforward manner in which they were delivered. "I'm just doing my job, Shepard, just like you."
Shepard gave the biotic a smug grin. "Well, then I must know what I'm talking about. I'm serious though, Kaidan. You did good work and be ready to hear the same from Hackett."
Shepard did have a point, but that wasn't enough to really convince Kaidan that he hadn't done everything he could've on this one. He still had no doubt that he'd played it safe and could only hope that it wouldn't come back to bite him in the ass later.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed. I hope to hear from you. Thanks and see you next time.
