Chapter 1

Three days later we had arrived in Forks. Charlie had allowed me to bring very few things from Phoenix with me.

A bunch of photo albums and a quilt that mom had made from t-shirts from our crazy vacations.

That was her sewing and quilting phase.

I also grabbed a windchime to hang in my room. It was made from multi-colored glass beads that we had bought on one of our trips to the artsy community of Asheville, North Carolina.

A few home videos, a couple of pieces of jewelry that she had made during her beading phase, and one small acrylic painting of a seascape, that she had painted at one of those wine and painting places.

The final thing that I had managed to salvage from the house was my bathroom scale. It was my secret shame or my best friend depending on which way the needle moved.

I looked around my tiny room, trying to decide how to best maximize the space. I needed places for my books, a place to put a desk for homework and my laptop.

I hoped that Charlie had internet.

I highly doubted it though. I don't recall seeing a computer anywhere.

There was a huge ass plasma tv though.

I quickly began making a list of everything that I would need to make the space inhabitable.

The list was becoming quite long, and I grabbed my phone to check my bank balance.

I don't know if Charlie would be willing to help with the things that I need and I knew that this was going to put a strain on my wallet.

That doesn't even include the fact that I have literally no winter clothing. It just wasn't a necessity in Phoenix.

I knew that I was going to have to find a part time job. No doubt about it.

Lost in my thoughts about fixing up my space and where I might find work, I never heard Charlie calling my name.

It wasn't until he walked into my room without knocking, that I realized that he had been yelling for me.

"Damn it Bella, what are you, deaf?" He asked, obviously pissed.

"I'm sorry, I had my earbuds in dad." "What do you need?"

"I'm hungry Bella, were you planning on staying up here all night or were you going to cook?"

What? He wanted me to cook after that trip? We had just eaten three hours ago.

"I'm sorry dad, it's just that we ate while we were on the road" "I honestly didn't think that you would be hungry again."

"A hamburger and fries doesn't make up dinner, really Bella, think."

"There's fish in the freezer, surely you can make something with that."

"Sure dad" I muttered while I made my way carefully down the steps and into the kitchen. The last thing that I needed was to fall down the steps and let him see my natural clumsiness.

Within an hour I had broiled two large fish fillets and had added some green beans and a small salad to a plate and set the table. I pulled a can of Vitamin R for him and a bottle of water for myself from the fridge. I then called him to the table.

"The Mariners are on now, just bring me a plate." He said

All the better I thought. Now he wouldn't know that I wouldn't be joining him for dinner.

After all I had already eaten twice today and that was more than I ever eat in one day.

Hastily I cleaned the kitchen and took him another beer before making my way back up to my room to finish getting it organized.

I thought that he had forgotten about my being there, but half way up, he called after me. "You need to take your shower tonight, I don't want to run out of hot water in the morning." "Your mom used to use it all up and I'm sure that you're just like her."

I had made it almost all of the way to my room before my tears began to fall.

Charlie seemed so hostile; hostile about my being there, still about my mom and the past. So much for trying to form a new relationship with my dad. He appeared to resent my existence.

I had not even had a chance to mourn for my mom, before my life was uprooted and I was whisked away to a place that I never knew.

I miss my mom.

My mind couldn't wrap itself around the fact that she won't be there for me anymore. She wouldn't see me graduate or go off to college. No mother of the bride for me. (Like anyone would ever have me )

The pain was overwhelming and I was headed to a full fledge panic attack.

I had medicine that I could take, but all that it really did was make my head foggy. I didn't want that.

I knew there was only one thing that would help me.

I hadn't done it in months, but if ever an occasion called for it, it was tonight.

So while I was still thinking relatively clearly, I gathered my toiletries and a pair of pajamas, before reaching into the bottom pocket of my beat up gym bag and grabbed a razor blade.

After reaching the bathroom, I started the shower water. Turning the water on full blast and all hot, so I would feel the burn.

I quickly undressed and jumped under the stream of water, slightly burning my back.

Grabbing the razorblade by the center I begin by making small shallow cuts to my stomach, the tops of my thighs and finally my breasts.

I learned my lesson after my mom found out that I was cutting that the trick is to cut the body parts that no one ever sees.

I had probably made twenty small slashes before I felt myself begin to calm.

I laid my head against the cool of the tile, when I began to get dizzy.

The sting was so normal.

Watching the water turn a light pink as it hit my marks, my breathing normalized.

I carefully washed myself and then my hair with my favorite strawberry shampoo and conditioner.

Once out of the shower, I used an astringent on my skin as an extra reminder and of course to keep any deep cuts clean. The last thing that I need is an infection, which would force Charlie to take me to the doctor.

I slathered lotion on all over my skin, brushed my teeth and dressed in my warmest pjs. I dried my hair before putting it into a messy ponytail. Then headed to my room.

This only took 15 minutes, normally my ritual would take closer to an hour, but tonight the panic was bad. I was also very afraid of Charlie walking in on me.

The next thing was to weigh. I knew that my pajamas weighed one pound and four ounces, so I stepped on the scale subtracted the weight of my clothes.

Damn it, 115 pounds. I was up over one pound and I knew that hamburger was going to make me gain. I promised myself that tomorrow it would only be a piece of fruit and a salad.

It was time to start my diet again.

My heart was still racing, according to my iWatch, my heart rate was 140 bpm. It was going to be a Xanax night for sure. I popped two and started counting to try to bring it down.

A book, maybe that would help. But which book? I have read everything that I own at least twice. I really needed some new books.

I opened the first box of books that I found and opened it. I grabbed the first book on top. My trusty copy of Dracula. I love the classics. While most people thought of Dracula as horror, it truly was a great love story also.

Switching on the bedside lamp and turning off the overhead light, I climbed into my bed and pulled up the thread bare comforter.

It was raining of course and a slight chill ran through my room. Great now I needed to add new bedding to my shopping list, maybe an electric blanket also.

Bare branches from a tree right outside my window scraped against the panes, as if trying to claw its' way in. The sound made me shudder and hunker down beneath my covers even deeper.

I awoke to Charlie pounding on my door;

"Bella, it's time to get up." "I want to eat breakfast before we go down to the reservation."

I wasn't awake enough to fully grasp what he was saying.

I squinted at my watch and saw that it was only 5:30. Damn I thought, I didn't get to sleep off my Xanax. Everything was fuzzy.

I got up and grabbed some warm clothes, checking before I dressed the marks on my body from the night before. There they were the satisfying light pink X marks all over my torso. I noticed that they all looked fine, nothing that needed any anti-bacterial ointment.

Charlie was beginning to call my name again, so I hastily dressed and brushed out my long hair, before he could wake the neighbors. It sounded like he was hungover and not in the greatest mood.

"Hurry up Bella" We need to get to the reservation, before Harry and Billy send out a search party.

We, he expected me to go fishing with him. I don't think so.

"Dad, I thought that I could stay here today and finish getting my room together before I start school tomorrow."

I didn't want to begin the discussion about money with him while he was in this mood.

After some searching, I found some bacon and eggs in his refrigerator and hoped that they were still fresh.

While I was cooking Charlie sat at the kitchen table. He was reading the newspaper and drinking a cup of very black coffee.

"So dad, do you think that I can stay home today?" "I was thinking that maybe I could borrow your pickup and go to Walmart to get some things that I need."

"Bella, I don't have any extra money to give you." "I hope you don't think that I'm going to feed your shopping habit."

Really? He doesn't even know me at all. I hate shopping, but this is necessary.

"I wasn't asking dad." "I have some savings and some gift cards."

"That reminds me Bella, you're going to have to chip in some around here now, you might want to go Newton's outdoor shop and apply for a part time job."

Great I haven't even been here 24 hours and he's already putting me to work.

"Fine dad." I told him. I knew that I was going to need my own income source because mom had always told me how tight he was.

"Also Bella, I've arranged for your mom's survivor benefits to be direct deposited into my bank account. They will help cover the costs of you living here."

God, he really hates me doesn't he. I was planning on saving those to help with college. Tears were beginning to form in my eyes and my breathing increased. I was beginning to have another panic attack. I had to get to my Xanax, but I wasn't sure if I could even climb the stairs back to my bedroom.

The next thing that I knew he was laying down the keys to the truck and getting up from the table. He just left his dishes lying where they were.

As he was walking to the door all that he said to me was "clean up this mess, before you go anywhere."