My entry for Fallenclan's February writing competition! The theme was 'love' and the prompts were 'first kiss', 'candy heart', '"You said you loved me in the rain"', and '"I think I'm falling for you and it scares me."' I really took a twist on these, but I hope you enjoy!
TW/arophobia
The arophobia in the story is quite severe. I don't support arophobia at all and am using it here to prove a point on the oppression of aromantic people, especially romance-repulsed aros. Again, I don't support the arophobic opinions stated here at all.
Lizardshade hated the infamous day of love for many reasons. Maybe it was the way romance made his fur crawl. Maybe it was the entire focus and anticipation of a day so needless. Maybe it was that RiverClan was already so focused on love, and finding a mate, it made him feel out of place.
On the first day of new-leaf, it was a day entirely devoted to love. The cold season was over, and it was time for regrowth. Couples would announce their status to the clan. Proposals would be made. There was usually a large uptake of expecting cats afterward. And Lizardshade hated it all.
"so call me a pessimist,
but I don't believe in it,
finding a true love's kiss is bullshit."
It was the day of love again. Lizardshade was doing whatever he could to stay out of camp, where cats were kissing and snuggling. He felt ill seeing it and wanted the day to be over very, very soon.
He was leading his second patrol, and it was barely sunhigh. Grasswind and Streamflight, their tails tightly entwined, followed him. Owlwing was also there, the single brown she-cat's eyes misty as she glanced back at Streamflight with his mate. It was common knowledge that Owlwing had been pining after Streamflight until he had taken Grasswind as his mate, and it looked like Owlwing was still crushing hard. Lizardshade sighed, hoping his next patrol would be more focused and less moony.
"Let's split up to hunt," he decided once that had gotten a good ways away from the camp. "Streamflight and Grasswind, you two go left, Owlwing, you and I can go right."
Streamflight nodded, although his eyes were still locked on Grasswind. Lizardshade doubted the mates would actually hunt, and shuddered at the thought of what they might be doing instead.
"Let's go this way," Lizardshade told Owlwing, gesturing towards a nearby pool where they could fish.
"Alright," she mewed contentedly, "this is nice to spend time together away from Streamflight."
"Uh, yeah," Lizardshade shrugged, not to be rude. He lazily reached down into the pool, easily snagging a carp. "You could have it if you want, there's plenty of prey back at camp."
Owlwing smiled at him, "Thank you so much!" She gushed, "you're so kind."
"Thanks…?" Lizardshade said, confused. Had no one ever given her any prey before?
"You can have some if you want," Owlwing offered, giggling for some reason.
"Sure," Lizardshade responded slowly, taking a small bite out of the carp's tail not to be rude, "I'm going to keep fishing now."
Owlwing gossiped to him as he fished, talking mostly about new couples. Lizardshade wanted to dunk his head in the pool to block it all out. Maybe he could just disappear the rest of the day, but he didn't want assumptions or rumors spiraling about him.
He set a still-flailing trout on his growing pile of catches, killing it with a bite to the neck. Owlwing cooed about what a good hunter he was, and he thanked her awkwardly.
Lizardshade went back to hunting, Owlwing still commenting about how great his catches were. He narrowed his eyes in on the pool, blocking out Owlwing's rambling, as he tried to spy the next fish.
Suddenly, a large shape from behind pushed him into the pool! He spluttered but was soon able to level himself and swim back you the ground. Owlwing hauled him out, and he shook off his pelt, unapologetically spraying her with water.
"You missed a spot," Owlwing purred flirtatiously.
Before Lizardshade could do anything, she had pressed her mouth to his and was kissing him fiercely. He had never expected to have a first kiss, have any kiss for that matter.
He pulled away, feeling sick and disgusted with himself. "Ow-Owlwing, why… why did you do that to me?" He whispered shakily, "You- I- why?"
"Streamflight was just a ploy to get you interested with me," Owlwing grinned, "So, how did you like it? Me?"
"Owlwing I… I hated it. I don't feel like that to you or to anyone, really," he admitted softly, "I- never do that again."
Owlwing narrowed her eyes, "I don't believe you. Do you have another mate or something? Who are they?"
"No!" Lizardshade protested, "I don't know how to convince you, but I swear I'm not lying! I don't like anyone like that."
"You have to like someone," she stated, "it's natural. Everyone likes someone. Are you gay or something?"
"I don't like anyone," Lizardshade restated, "And that's not unnatural. It's fine. What use is romance except… well… nothing! Romance is useless."
Owlwing rolled her eyes, "You'll come around eventually," She wrinkled her nose, "You're not the cat I thought you were, Lizardshade." She strutted away.
Lizardshade broke down, his tears staining his fur.
Unnatural.
"but now i'm twenty-something,
i still know nothing,
'bout who i am and what i'm not."
Lizardshade dusted himself off, wiping his eyes to be presentable. He picked up his small pile of prey and walked back to camp. He didn't look anyone in the eye, too ashamed of what had happened. He dropped his prey on the pile, staring listlessly off into space.
"Lizardshade, can I talk to you?" Came a hesitant voice.
He looked up to see Icestorm, who was smiling nervously.
"Uh, sure," Lizardshade responded. He wasn't sure what Icestorm wanted, but the tom was the leader's son so he had to be treated with respect.
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Brightleaf and Lightningclaw whispering to each other while looking at him and Icestorm. His stomach clenched as he worried about what they might be saying.
"Lizardshade, you're the sweetest tom I know," Icestorm began. Lizardshade's attention snapped to him, but Icestorm was continuing before Lizardshade could say anything. "You have a sweet candy heart like the Twolegs would say. You're loyal, and brave, and smart, and I really like you. Would you start going out with me?"
"Icestorm, I like you a lot," Lizardshade started, inwardly groaning at Icestorm's hopeful face, "But not like that. My answer is no."
"Oh." Icestorm said softly, "Why not? If you don't like me for some reason, I'm sure I could change."
"No, it's not you, it's me." Lizardshade reassured him, "I don't like anyone like that. Sorry." He normally would've been more respectful, but he just wanted to get it all over with.
"Nobody?" Icestorm repeated, "Do you need to go to the medicine cats to get treated? Is something broken? Are you broken?"
"I'm-" Lizardshade whispered, "I'm- I need air."
He rushed past Icestorm and out of the camp, a flurry of whispers and rumors following him.
Unnatural.
Broken.
"there's a game in the world
with the boys and the girls
a little bit of cat and mouse."
Lizardshade ran through the territory in a state of panic. He didn't know what to do.
"Lizardshade?" A familiar voice called, "is that you?" A bracken-colored tom came out of the bushes, "Lizardshade, what's wrong?"
"Everything's wrong, Brakentail, everything," Lizardtail broke down, crying into his friend's fur.
Brakentail hugged him close, "Tell me what's wrong. I'll help you."
"E-everyone is-is a-asking me to-to… b-be their m-mate." Lizardshade hiccuped, "B-but I don't… l-like them, any of-of them."
He felt Brakentail tense, but his friend carried on soothing him, "I'm sure it's just a phase, or you're some sort of late bloomer. It's alright, maybe you can get some medicine to speed up your development or something."
"I d-don't think it's a-a phase…" Lizardshade stuttered softly.
"But…" Brakentail pulled away from him, "You said you loved me, remember? That night in the rain, you said you loved me. You're tricking yourself, going through some weird period. You'll get over it."
"I SAID THAT PLATONICALLY!" Lizardshade shouted. He felt bad for yelling at his friend, and worse when he saw Brakentail flinch, but he couldn't stand that everyone thought he liked romance. It was sickening and hurtful.
"Lizardshade, I want to support you through these tough times, but I… you're acting weird, not liking love and stuff. I'm going to go get a medicine cat." Brakentail turned tail and fled, leaving Lizardshade alone once more.
Unnatural.
Broken.
Phase.
"i feel hurt, love,
about the word love,
what the hell is love supposed to feel like?"
"Brakentail said that you needed help," Cloudbreeze's soft voice cut through the waves of hurt in Lizardshade's heart, "are you alright?"
"Cloudbreeze… I," Lizardshade sighed, defeated, "I've never felt… attracted to cats… romantically. Is there something wrong with me?"
Cloudbreeze looked at him strangely, "I thought you were better than that, Lizardshade. I didn't think you would be the type of cat to make something up to be special." She sighed, "You need a break, you need to getaway. We can fix this."
"Cloudbreeze, the clan, it needs both of us," Lizardshade protested, "Don't you love your clanmates?"
"I love you more," She choked out, "From when we were in the nursery together, to when you said that you would always be by my side, through thick and thin. I'm falling for you and it scares me. Please, you said you would be by my side always."
"Cloudbreeze, you're our only medicine cat," Lizardshade protested.
"We could go somewhere that medicine cats don't matter!" She responded a bit desperately.
"But the clan!" Lizardshade argued, "And me. I don't like you like that, Cloudbreeze."
"I can fix that, I can fix you. When it's just you and me, you don't have to pretend to be special, I'll love you no matter what." Cloudbreeze promised.
"I'm not trying to be special," Lizardshade said desperately, "I'm just trying to be me."
"Liar," Cloudbreeze hissed, "Don't talk to me until you've gotten over… this." She walked away, Lizardshade not even having tears to cry anymore.
Unnatural.
Broken.
Phase.
Special.
"i don't need your love, no, no
no, i don't need your love, no, no,
there's nothing left to discuss, no, no,
but i don't need your love, no, no."
Lizardshade picked himself up, but instead of heading back to camp, he started walking in the opposite direction. Maybe he did need a break, just for a bit. A week off, to focus on himself, while RiverClan dialed down the love.
The soft bubbling of the river, the springy grass beneath his paws, the breeze in his fur, brought him back. He took the first deep breath he had had all day. Here, among the trees and water, he was at peace. There was nothing being shoved in his face, no declarations, only clear, crisp air and- and roses?
Lizardshade furrowed his brow, following the rose scent until he found his friend, Birchfoot. The silver tabby was carrying a bundle of roses, but the second he saw Lizardshade, he hid the flowers.
"Birchfoot, what are those?" Lizardshade asked tiredly. He could see yellow petals sticking out from behind Birchfoot, "Are those yellow roses?"
His heart sped up slightly. Yellow roses meant friendship and caring. Maybe Birchfoot had seen him struggling and wanted to look out for him? It seemed like too much to ask for after the whole day, but clearly, this was a weird day. It wouldn't get much weirder if Birchfoot was giving him flowers.
"For-for you," Birchfoot smiled nervously, grabbing the flowers to present them to Lizardshade, "I wanted to get red for romance and all, but then I saw these yellow ones, and they match your eyes so wonderfully."
"I- is this a romantic thing?" Lizardshade wilted.
"Well, yeah," Birchfoot said as if he was explaining something to a kit, "I like you. Like that."
"Birchfoot, I-" Lizardshade whispered, "You know that I don't like anyone that way. You said it was okay. What happened?"
Birchfoot's face fell, "I thought you just said that because you were young and stupid. We were both so immature. That was real?"
"I wouldn't joke about it, even as an apprentice," Lizardshade explained, "I thought you supported me. I trusted you to support me."
"I thought you were too young to understand," Birchfoot argued back, "I thought if I supported you, you would gain the maturity."
"I'm perfectly mature," Lizardshade snapped back, "Too mature, in fact, to care about romance. I put my clan first."
Birchfoot tossed the roses in Lizardshade's face. One of the thorny stalks caught the corner of his ear, tearing the tip off. "You're the worst friend ever," He growled, "Grow up."
Unnatural.
Broken.
Phase.
Special.
Immature.
"i like that you're broken, broken like me,
maybe that makes me a fool.
i like that you're lonely, lonely like me,
i could be lonely with you."
Lizardshade sat there in silence for a long while. The blood slowly dripped down his face, hardening in his fur. The scattered rose petals in front of him, spreading out like a dying sunbeam. What had gone so wrong, all those times?
Maybe RiverClan would be better off without a useless cat like him. Maybe he should leave.
Lizardshade slowly trekked off down the river. He didn't bother to look where he was going, he didn't deserve a home. He was an unnatural, broken, lying, immature cat who didn't deserve the name of a warrior.
A calico shape was at the edge of the river up ahead, and Lizardshade recognized it as Dapplestrike. Unlike the rest of the clan, they weren't tangled up with a mate - Lizardshade wasn't even sure who they fancied - and seemed calm and pure from the toxins of romance.
"Are you alright, Lizardshade?"
Their voice startled him, breaking him from his thoughts.
"Not really," He admitted hesitantly, "I might just leave the clan, honestly. I… can I tell you something and you won't judge?"
"Of course, you can," Dapplestrike gave him a shy smile, "I promise."
"I don't like anyone like that," Lizardshade confessed, needing to get it off his chest to a cat who wasn't proposing to him. "I hate the idea of romance, and kissing, and sex, and all of that. Everyone says it's weird and unnatural, but I don't see how."
Dapplestrike blinked at him, their mouth hanging slightly ajar. Finally, they grinned, just barely. "Well, Lizardshade, it seems like you and I have a lot more in common than I thought."
"You're… like me?" Lizardshade whispered in disbelief.
"Aro?" Dapplestrike nodded, "Yeah."
"What's… aro?" Lizardshade asked, confused.
Dapplestrike smiled reassuringly, "It's short for aromantic which means someone who doesn't experience romantice attraction. They can still want a romantice relationship, but from what I've heard from you, you're romance-repulsed, or apothiromantic."
"And… is it like a disease?" Lizardshade frowned, fearing the worst.
"Much the opposite," Dapplestrike laughed, "It's uncommon, but certainly not a disease. RiverClan - and all the clans, to be honest - is hyperomantic, everyone assumes you want romance or a mate. It's hard to go against the flow, but I'll help you find your paws."
"Thank you," Lizardshade mumbled, unable to word his gratefulness.
Dapplestrike smiled gently, "Finding yourself is a hard journey everyone faces and will continue to face for all of their life. Going against firm beliefs set for you is so challenging for anyone to accept or understand, but someday, it could get better. We can help other aro cats find their paws, we can help form a culture that's inclusive to everyone."
"That…" Lizardshade whispered, a smile breaking through his face like a sunbeam on a rainy day, "That would be wonderful."
"A brighter future for everyone, together yet apart," Dapplestrike agreed, a smile twinkling in his eyes.
Lizardshade nodded, finally feeling at peace.
I am not unnatural, I am just unknown.
I am not broken, I am just outside the mold.
I am not going through a phase, but if I am, it is fine.
I am not special, I am one-of-a-kind.
I am not immature, I am brave and strong, and accepting.
And most importantly…
I am me.
I hope I gave a proper insight to the struggle that aromantics face in a hyperomantic society. On this Valentine's Day, please try to be conscious that some people do not experience romantic attraction and don't want a romantic relationship.
Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed :)
The characters belong to me!
Song lyrics are from the following:
salem ilese's Mad at Disney
Mother Mother's Let's Fall in Love
Six the Musical's I Don't Need Your Love
lovelytheband's Broken
Total words: 2,656
