First and foremost this is the original story before I started to rewrite it... and got stuck in the writing of the rewrite. If you are following the rewrite you will notice quite glaring differences between this and the one you have already started following. I do not intend on giving up with the rewritten version, however I think you guys waiting for me to get over my blank slate of a muse isn't going to happen any times soon. So I am re-posting the original. This was my first completed story and it is very different to how my last stories flow.
Secondly, this is not beta'ed. NOT AT ALL. There will be mistakes in spelling (I'm Australian and some words we spell differently). The layout will honestly have you wondering what the hell I was thinking. I wasn't; well that's not true. What I was thinking was that I knew what I was doing and screw anyone else... yes I was a conceited little shit even at the age of 31.
Thirdly, there is 68 chapters to this story, including the epilogue and two out takes. All of which have been uploaded to my profile so I should be able to update daily. Please understand that I have a busy life in the real world. This includes two children, one grown and the other with disabilities. So while I should be able to update wherever I am, if something happens please understand that I will miss updating.
Last but not lease. I am not SM. Not even close. I do not own the franchise, work in any capacity with the publishing houses or studios. I merely escaped from reality to play with some characters that I fell in love with while reading four books in the matter of days.
*** WE get a little weepy here. Tissues may be necessary for some readers.***
Staying at the Cullen residence until Char was able to find an earlier flight to rejoin her in Texas was both a blessing and a curse. Unable to deny the pain of having my own father, my flesh and blood dismiss me so easily broke me more than I had ever known possible. I was beyond grateful that the good doctor and his wife were willing to have me for my short stay, but with every meeting I had within the small community of Forks I gained pitying and disbelieving looks. I was glad that these two good and kind people were willing to suffer the whispered rumors to my sudden removal from the family home only to be relocating to the Cullen home.
Carlisle had found a great doctor who would take care of me during the pregnancy, and the child's pediatric needs that would come in the first year of life. My mother had contacted me once during the separation from my family to tell me that it would all work out in the end, she would talk to my father, bring him into society that we lived in today, rather than decades ago. With all obligations finished in this small town I left for the airport with Esme as Carlisle had to work. Neither of my parents there to say goodbye, or that they loved me unconditionally. It was the final piece of the puzzle that was my life and it was forever lost to me.
Leaving the ever loving arms of Esme Cullen I walked onto the plane, thinking of what was to come. In 8 short months a new life would be born, a life that was conceived in passion... even if it only lasted a night. This child would be born into a world where it would be loved unconditionally.
The 6 hour trip I rested, never quite falling asleep, but lost in the heart that may never be repaired in a sense. I promised my little peanut, that I would be strong for it, never judge its mistakes regardless of how dangerous they be. I would love every minute my peanut was with me, ache with every minute we would be separated, cherish every breath it would take. I would dedicate my life, my very existence for it not to feel this pain I was feeling. This was my promise, my vow that I would do my damnedest to hold true, never break and show the honor of holding onto something that would mean the world not only to me but to another living soul.
When the plane landed she was there. When I stepped off the plane she was there. Walking down the cause way she was there. Waiting for me, there for me, holding a promise that was made 4 years ago when we first met. Even when she met her lover, her life, her husband we were there for each other. At her wedding, at her side when the most important thing happened to her, I was there fore-filing the role of friend and sister. And now, here she was in my time of need.
I collapsed in her arms, the weight of everything resting on my shoulders falling with my tears. My body shook with the intensity, mirroring the intensity of the pain in my heart. She held me, never letting go as I let myself fall from grace to the earth that I should never have left. Elation brought pain; I had found that out twice now. The elation of finding love and the pain for leaving it, and the elation of new life and the pain in the rejection from those you love. Through all this she held me to the ground, never allowing me to fall any further into a pit not of despair of never ending horror.
We walked, walking was good. It meant I was living, breathing, feeling, and seeing the world around me. Not hiding in a corner whimpering at the contact with the world. I couldn't, wouldn't allow that; Char would not allow that. In the time it took to regain my composure Char and I had a very good understanding of the Texas State International Airport. We could even tell you where the toilets were located, the entry to the back of the airport were, where each public phones were placed and how many in each clustering.
"Let's go. Peter is waiting for us." She reassured me as we made our way outside the main doors, almost hitting them when they didn't open fast enough for Char's taste.
The sun shining brought me back to reality faster than the arm slung over my shoulders when we stepped out into the unknowing future, to the faces of my two friends waiting at the car as both Peter and Edward stood waiting for us. Neither judging me or pitying me, both accepting my choices and there for me with no hesitation. Smiling was a foreign concept for me this past week, but I felt the pull of those muscles around my face tighten as I weakly smiled at two men that would hold a place in my shattered heart forever, neither knowing exactly what had caused a once happy family to be torn apart. In desperation I clung to these three people like my life depended on it. And it did, but not only mine but my peanuts.
Climbing into the car Char and I sat in the back while the two men took the front. I collapsed into Chars lap once more, allowing her to comfort me in her own way. Feeling her fingers through my hair, gently lulling me to sleep. Accompanied by the sound of the motor I drifted off into a peaceful and dreamless nothing. Not knowing when or if the car had stopped, uncaring if it was not the best way or place to sleep. I was at peace within myself, happily resigned to stay for as long as my body and those around me would allow. No fear of what was to come, no pain threatening to shatter me and render me broken for eternity. Ever so slowly I brought myself to waken, and face the pain once more.
"Little B, we're here." A gentle voice called to me, the voice of a man whose heart is breaking just by being in my presence. Bringing more unbearable pain to the world where my peanut will need to live.
No, no more pain and heart break, it wouldn't be fair, it was and is my pain and my pain only. How could I be as selfish as to allow those who cared for me, those who are here in my time of need be brought down with me? No, it truly wasn't fair. Lifting my head to meet those soulful eyes of Peter, I tried to smile, to show him that yes I am broken, but I will put myself back together. It hadn't escaped my notice that here and now I was gaining that real world experience that all those papers believed I needed.
The irony that what they wished me to have was thrown upon me by my own doing; I will never regret that night with him, regardless of all that has happened as a consequence of that night. It would mar all that it held, and all that it brought me and those who I cared for. Opening my eyes to the closed mindedness of my father, the acceptance of those who I was sure would hate me, the vision of loss in my mothers eyes as I left the one place I called home, and the truth of what love can bring. With the help of my true friends I would make myself anew, not quite changed, but grounded, spreading my wings when needed but being careful of the damage they may bring.
Wrapping myself up in a cocoon where only a few selected few could reach me, that was my thought. I would be able to protect myself from any more hurt, and protect others being hurt by me. Yes, that would work. Work. There was another problem that needed to addressed and soon. Would they still want me now that I was expecting, would they allow me to work from home when the morning sickness was too much? Would they believe that I did not know until after I accepted the position? How would working effect the pregnancy? Questions, so many questions to ask; to be answered. But not now. Now was for rebuilding the person I was, the person I am. Now was the time to repair, repair the damage of a broken heart, of a broken human.
"Char, I need help. I can't do this on my own." My voice sounding foreign even to myself, rough and gritty. Crying uncontrollably for a week apparently can do this to you.
"You are not alone Bella. We are all here for you. Trust me when I say this; you are not, and never will be alone." Her soft responses, accompanied by the soft mummers of the two men that I had forgotten were still there.
"I can't, I can't face the pain. The pain of my family turning their back on me." I spoke words of truth, of sorrow, and of anger. Emotions that if kept in would eat me alive. Better to free them and be sorry then keep them caged and destroy the ones I love.
"They were your family then. They are still your family now. But now so are we. No longer just a Swan; but a Cullen and a Whitlock too." The gentle and soothing voice of Edward came from behind as I sat on the chair, trying to come to grips with this insane journey that has become my life.
Rest, I needed rest. It was all my body craved, and all I would willingly give myself. Was this normal for pregnancy? I didn't know. I really should have asked Carlisle what to expect. Rising from my make shift nest on the couch steadily made my way to the room where this need could be met.
"No Little B. You need food before more rest." One said.
"He's right Bella. Rest is good, food is better." Another spoke. But the hands on my shoulders were what made my frame turn. These gentle hands I listened to. These hands brought me to reality when so many obstacles threatened to derail my life, and these hands will be there to help me find my way once more. I loved the hands and the person they belonged to as much as I loved the voices and the people they belonged to.
"Food it is." I agreed with them, the hands and the voices. What food it was I can not tell you, what drink accompanied it I also could not tell you. But both were consumed to the satisfaction of all.
Time passed, not fast but it moved. Three days I lay on the couch, while Peter and Edward fixed my room.
"Bella, I know about your cowboy, the boys don't. But is the cowboy the father?" Char approached the topic that I thought would not be brought up while members of the opposite sex were in the vicinity.
I guess they were too busy. Silently as the tears flow I nod my head. My cowboy, my Jasper was to be a daddy. It is the one thing I can't provide for my peanut, any information about his or her daddy. Panic, it hit hard and fast. What if there was something wrong with my peanut and I was not able to help it. Fear, the next wave of acceptable behavior and emotions contained more fear than anything I had ever known.
"Breath, don't passing out. Not good for baby there Bella." Doctor in training took over.
"I know; I will... thank you." Has become my automatic response, relying on others to make decisions for me. Sitting up, its time to put away training panties, and find those big girl panties I was forever fond of.
Miss Isabella Maire Swan time to get up, and move on. Peanut and yourself deserve a full time life, no a half life. "I need a phone. Time to get my life back."
Strength, confidence and determination course through me like the blood pumping though my body. Two important calls to make. One to my family home, what was my family home. The other to my future place of employment, to the editor and chief of lifestyle; a Mrs Rosalie Hale McCarty. Work is the easier one, it goes first.
"Hello, can I speak to a Mrs Rosalie Hale McCarty if possible?" I gently ask receptionist answering the phone.
"May I ask whose calling?" a very nasal voice on other end of the line.
"Yes it's Isabella Swan, the new columnist for the paper." Response given short simple and polite. I'm silently proud of myself to be able to do this without breaking into a sweat. A click and then music, guess wasn't as polite as I thought. 3 minutes and 41 seconds on hold and a new voice on other end of line.
"Isabella how can I help you." The woman's voice on the line is neither grating as the receptionist but nor is it sickeningly sweet.
"I was wondering if I could come and talk to you sometime this week. I know I don't start until next week but something has come up and needs to addressed straight away." I tried to keep my tone as calm as possible while my stomach was taken over by nerves and butterflies. It's too early to blame it on peanut.
"Of course, I hope this means you are still willing to take the position. Your professors spoke volumes about your insight and work ethic." Her stand offish tone somewhat diminished and I can see that I can work with this woman without ever meeting her. It's a good sign.
"No problems with me leaving, but personal issues have arisen and its best if we speak in person. What would be a good time for you?" my relaxed tone brings the stressed atmosphere down considerably. A meeting is set up for the next day during lunch at her office. Good thing I have some great friends who can tell me where to go.
One call down hardest one to go. The phone rings, and rings. Each time my anxiety races my heart beat. What if father answers, could I speak to him? What if mother answers will she speak to me? Gruff voice answers the phone, "Hello."
Father it is.
"It's me. I'm safe." It's all I can muster until I know where we stand. Barely holding the tears back, Char grabs my hand. She knows who is on the other end of the call.
"Thank you. Why so fast, why so far?" he asks. Anger; unequivocal anger fighting to break free.
"You turned your back on me. Where else was I meant to go? I couldn't stay there any you know it. At least here, I'm not some embarrassment." As fast as it came, it's gone.
As is the strength to hold the tears at bay. I blame it on the hormones changing; even if Edward says it's too early for that yet.
"Come back. You know we love you." His response no apology no remorse.
Still broken, but the band-aids are holding while the real repairs start. The stitches are gonna hurt at first. But are necessary.
"No. I can't. I need time. You hurt me father." Anger in the background, and air passing the mouth piece of phone.
"Then let us come to you." Mother, now understand why the anger, why the air, and why the defeat in father's voice. Mother spoke to father, father now brought to the 21st century.
"Soon, I need to get things settled. Work and baby wise." Sobs from Char as she hears the pain in mothers voice, she held on for as long as she could.
"We understand. Call when you're ready and we will come. Get some rest. We love you sweetheart." Shutters mother, feeling guilty for breaking mother.
"I promise. I love you both." I reply hanging up the phone.
"You did good Little B." Gentle giant Peter, kisses my cheek while comforting his wife.
Edward perched on the arm of the chair. "Proud of you Bella. Taking the first step. It's the hardest and we will be here for you when you need us." His soft hand squeezes my small one. Lost in the moment, until peanut makes us remember I'm pregnant and morning sickness is a lie. Its not just in the morning.
