Author's Note: Sorry it's been so long! I've had the crud and some deadlines for grad school. Weekly updates will be a thing from here on out. Thanks for sticking around and please, if you're enjoying this give me some feedback. I've been out of the scene for so long that I don't know if this is good, bad, somewhere in between... Yeah. Thanks and MTFBWY.
CW: Anxiety/panic attack
Rey sat beside Poe in the dining hall, her mug filled with piping hot caf and a small breakfast platter before her. She tucked in as he started to fill her in on what she'd missed in the time that she'd been away. She supposed he'd tell her about everything except whatever it was that was going on between him and Finn. She smiled.
"What?" He asked suddenly.
"Nothing. I'm just glad to be back." She replied. "You can keep going. You were at the part where you were telling me that we're nearly out of funds."
He ran a hand through his curls and Rey noticed for the first time that they were beginning to show flecks of silver. He took a long swill of his Spiran Caf, a strong drink that they had first encountered during their time at Black Spires Outpost, and smiled.
"Yeah, that. So, we're just about broke, we're meeting with some folks from Naboo to see if we can move into Leia's family home outside of Theed, and I kissed Finn." Poe told her and she grinned. "You don't have anything to say to that?"
Rey's eyes crinkled as she smiled at her friend and took her hand in his. "I do. I'm happy for you. I take it that he was receptive?"
He grinned. "Yeah, something like that."
"Well then, good. We need some happiness in this galaxy, Poe, and these are the little wins that will bring it to us." She replied, beaming.
"So you're not upset?" He asked, seriously.
Rey raised her eyebrows at him. "Why would I be?"
And at that moment, Finn plopped down beside her on the bench, grinning.
"Why is he drinking Spiran Caf?" He asked Rey.
"Seems he had something important to say and needed some liquid courage," she joked back with her friend.
Finn met eyes with Poe then and both of them flushed scarlet.
"Stars, you two are idiots. You realize it's been all over your faces for the entire time we've known each other, right?" She huffed. "And no, Poe, I'm not upset. I missed you both. I really am glad to be back."
Finn wrapped his arm around Rey and planted a quick kiss on the top of her head. "Thanks, Rey. We missed you, too. Poe was about to come track down his droid."
Poe emptied his drink and asked, "So, what was up? You left pretty suddenly and we were all pretty worried about you."
Rey's eyes turned sad as she considered her words. She chewed the bite of food that she had taken a little longer than necessary to avoid speaking, but she could feel their eyes on her and knew that she couldn't hide forever.
"I went to Tatooine to pay my respects. Luke, Leia, Han," she paused. "And Ben. They're all gone and I needed some guidance from the Force on what comes next."
Poe started at the last name. "Who's Ben?"
She took a deep breath to tell the story and a sob came out instead.
Finn locked eyes with her and spoke his next words gently, "Rey, I felt you die while we were at Exegol. I felt it in the Force. You were gone and then you weren't."
Tears ran down her freckled cheeks as she choked out the words, "I did die. Ben Solo," she paused. "Kylo Ren. They were one in the same. He fought the Emperor with me and gave the last of his life to bring me back."
She knew that they didn't understand, but they both drew her into their arms, Poe moving to her side of the table. They held her close and shielded her from view as she broke down into their embrace.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be like this." She said after a few moments. "I'm fine."
"You're not fine and that's okay," Poe told her. "We can talk more about it whenever you're ready or never again if that's what you want." He planted a kiss on the top of her head and gripped her hand as she squeezed back in silent gratitude.
Rey had taken solace back on the Falcon in her berth with the ancient Jedi texts that she'd absconded from Ahch-to with surrounding her on the bedspread. She thumbed idly through a volume that looked to be the oldest of them. Translations of the text had been inserted between each page. They were carefully handwritten on some kind of parchment in scrawling calligraphy, in an ink so deep blue that it was nearly black.
"Mind some company?" Finn asked, rapping on the wall opposite her bed.
She smiled and placed the book at her side. "Not at all."
Rey patted a spot on the bed beside her, inviting him to sit. The Millennium Falcon had not been built for comfort and she found that the only surface that was not unbearable to sit on for any length of time was the thin mattress built into the wall.
"You know, if this thing is yours, you could probably take over the captain's quarters." He told her. "I'm sure it's probably more comfortable than this thing."
She shook her head. "If anything, Chewie should take it."
They heard the Wookie grunt at them from somewhere beneath the ship where he must have been doing maintenance.
"Fine, neither of us will, then," she called back. "Guess it'll just stay as it is."
"So that conversation earlier," Finn began. "I've been trying to have it with you for a while now."
She nodded. "Since Pasana. I know. How long have you realized it?"
"I think since Jakku, really. I didn't know what it was then, though. I think it was how I knew which way to head towards you and BB-8 instead of into the middle of nowhere and a sandy grave," he replied. "Then it just kept getting stronger. When I fought Ren in that forest it was like I knew where he was going to swing his saber before he did it."
Rey took her friend's hand in hers. "That's the Force, Finn. You can feel it, channel it. I can help, but I don't know that I'd be the best teacher in the galaxy, but I'll do what I can for you."
Finn beamed. "Yeah, that would be amazing."
They bumped their foreheads together lightly, both smiling.
"I'm so glad I found you," he told her, sincerely. "I never would have believed any of this until I saw it actually work, until I felt it. I just had that feeling that made me turn away from the First Order and then that brought me to Poe and then you. I knew I wasn't put in this galaxy to do Ren's bidding, you know?"
Rey's eyebrows knitted together as she nodded quickly in response.
"You okay?" He asked, already knowing the answer.
She drew her knees to her chest and began to rock back and forth, tears falling down her face for the second time that day. Her chest was tight and she struggled to take in air when she breathed. If you can't breathe, you can't live, a voice told her. If you can't live you can be with him...
Rey tried to shake off the darkness that was invading her thoughts and found that it was easier to do now as Finn wrapped his arms around her slender form.
"Rey," he whispered. "It's okay. I've got you."
She nodded again to let him know that she'd heard, but the tears came even harder and her body was racked by gulping sobs. She sucked in air the way that a drowned person takes in water and every one of her muscles contracted in pain. Rey wanted to believe that an outside force, some darkness that had crept into her, was responsible for this, but she knew that to be untrue. Whatever was happening to her now was entirely outside of anyone's control, even her own.
"Chewie," Finn called. "Chewie we need some help up here!"
The last thing that Rey would remember was hearing his heavy footsteps clanging on the metal floor and being swept into her friend's giant, fur-covered arms before darkness wrapped itself around her consciousness.
