A Tale of a Fateful Trip - AU. Completely, bizarrely... AU ... muahahahaha.
A little system near the Unknown Regions...
"I'm tellin' ya, this is a surefire moneymaker! Five lousy time-parts! What can go wrong?"
*What can go wrong, he says...* The Wookiee sighed. *This is a bad idea. Bad.*
"Why?" the Captain argued. "We charge a thousand credits per passenger. We take four or five passengers out to see the Black Ice Curtain. We're back in five time-parts...four thousand credits richer. What's the big deal? It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The Black Ice Curtain only lasts for a few days every thousand years. People will pay big credits to see it. And we can show it to them."
*Something will go wrong. I just know it.*
"Ah. You're just jealous you didn't think of it."
*Yes. That is the reason.* The Wookiee shook his shaggy head in despair. There would be no talking his Captain out of this venture.
The redhead threw her satchel onto the ground, looking around the dingy spaceport. She'd been stuck on this backwater system for nearly a month. A month! Her agent had promised her a local theater group was eager to pay big credits to have a star of her caliber in their stupid play. She should have known better. By the time she'd arrived, the play had flopped. Of course, if the idiots would have waited until she arrived, instead of trying to get by with a no-talent local actress, this wouldn't have happened. Her agent was dead meat. But right now, she needed a charter off this dinky system, and it didn't matter where the ship was headed. Anywhere was better than here.
The young man was full of wide-eyed wonder. His first trip from the farm, with money he'd saved for years. His aunt and uncle had not been pleased when he informed them of his vacation, but he was eighteen, by golly! They couldn't stop him, not anymore. He'd read for years about the Black Ice Curtain, and how it only appeared every thousand years, like clockwork. And he was alive to see it! He packed a small bag and put the strap over his shoulder. The hotel was less than sanitary. His aunt would have a fit if she saw the filthy sheets. The sheets didn't matter. As soon as he reached the spaceport, he'd find a local ship to take him up to see the grand sight. He couldn't wait.
They had been stalking her for days. She was certain of that. The petite dark-haired young lady sat in a tiny restaurant, trying to decide how to escape from her pursuers. They were relentless. She hated them. She desperately needed to ditch them. But how? Suddenly, an idea occurred to her. If she left them sitting on their ship and found another way home, they would never know where she went. The idea was brilliant. Now... she just had to sneak past them, and find a way off this horrible planet. Then they would be someone else's problem. She pitied the poor soul that ended up with them.
"It's not my fault the shuttle left without us!" the beautiful woman exclaimed, looking up at her tall husband.
"Of course it's your fault!" he snapped back. "Look at the amount of makeup you wear! I can't understand it... you're so beautiful, and you smear your face full of that white garbage!"
"It's fashionable," she argued. "Besides, why do you wear that awful outfit? You're as handsome as they come, yet you put an ugly mask over your face."
"It's a disguise."
"A disguise? From whom?"
"My investors. You know they're looking for me. That's what happens when you buy low and sell high. All of a sudden, they think you're a crook."
The woman shook her head. "You did use the Force to pull information from that poor stockbroker's mind. Isn't that against the law?"
"No. Only if he would have told me to sell my stock. Then it would have been against the law. Bunch of busybodies, anyway," he hissed out.
"Well, I don't care. As long as you stay rich. I need lots of money to pay for my hairdressers."
He looked over at her elaborate hairstyle. "I'll say." Then he pulled her hand. "There will be someone at the spaceport willing to take us up to the cruise ship, don't worry. Everything will be fine."
"I'm not worried," she replied, checking her lipstick in a small compact. "I know you'll take care of everything, dear."
Han Solo propped the homemade sign up next to his ship. "Five Hour Cruise to see the Fabulous Black Ice Curtan. Only One Thousand Credits per person. Satisfaction Guaranteed." He stepped back, smiling at his handiwork.
*You misspelled 'curtain',* Chewie grumbled, pointing at the error.
"Yeah, I noticed that. But it doesn't matter. You just wait and see - they'll be fallin' all over themselves to sign up," Han crowed gleefully.
Chewie rolled his blue eyes and headed up the ramp of the Falcon.
Solo pulled up a chair and sat down next to his sign and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, he fell asleep.
"Hello?"
Han Solo was instantly awake. Snapping his head up, he grinned up at the wet-behind-the-ears kid staring eagerly at him. "Can I help you?"
"Yes. My name is Luke Skywalker," the kid supplied, sticking out his hand for Solo to shake. "Are you taking charters up to see the Black Ice Curtain?"
"Sure am," Han said proudly as he stood up. "This is my ship... the Millennium Falcon."
"Your very own ship," Luke breathed, staring at the freighter. "Wow..."
Han's chest swelled with pride. "Yup. Fastest ship in the galaxy. I'm surprised you haven't heard of her."
"Well... no, sorry. But the little town I'm from on Tatooine doesn't get much news."
"Tatooine, huh? You're sure a long ways from home, kid."
Luke smiled. "My first time away. I always wanted to see the Ice Curtain. I've been saving my credits for years."
"Good for you. I'll take you so close, you'll feel like you're touching the thing. Only one thousand credits, too."
"A thousand credits is a lot," Luke said, pausing. He'd always bargained for goods in Anchorhead with the merchants. "How about five hundred?"
Han laughed. "Five hundred? That won't pay my fuel bill, kid. A thousand."
"Six hundred?"
"A thousand."
"Eight hundred? That's my final offer." Luke looked around the spaceport. There didn't seem to be much in the way of competition.
"Eight-fifty, and ya got yourself a nice trip," Han returned quickly.
Luke stuck out his hand again, and Solo grasped it. "Eight-fifty. Deal."
"Take your bag onboard, and my co-pilot will show you around," Han grinned, pointing his thumb up the lowered ramp. Things were already looking up.
Solo watched the kid disappear into the hold, still smiling.
"Are you taking charters?"
Han's head snapped around, and he found himself staring at a beautiful redhead carrying a small satchel over her arm. "Charters. Yes. That's me. Captain Han Solo, and this is my ship, the Millennium Falcon."
"It looks like a piece of bantha dung," the redhead commented, staring at the rusty freighter.
"Hey!" Han protested, his good mood disappearing instantly. "I'll have you know my ship is the fastest in the galaxy."
"Fast at what? Falling apart?"
"You don't like my ship? Find someone else for your trip, lady."
"Wait!" the young woman said, putting her hand on Solo's arm and stopping him. "The last shuttle out of this dump of a town left two-time parts ago, and who knows when another fool will land here. I need a ride."
"To see the Ice Curtain?"
"No, you idiot. I want to head to Coruscant."
"I'm not going to Coruscant," Han answered. "I just booked my first passenger to see the Ice Curtain. If you want to see the sight, fine. If not, take a hike, lady."
"Don't you know who I am?" she asked tightly.
"Not a clue, lady."
"My name is Mara Jade," she said, lifting her chin and waiting for his inevitable reaction. Now she'd get some results.
"Is that supposed to mean something to me?"
"How dare you!" Mara snapped out. "I'm Mara Jade! The famous actress! Of stage and holo-shows!"
"That's so exciting, I could just swoon," Han said sarcastically.
"I need a ride off this hell-hole of a planet," Mara said through clenched teeth. "How much?"
"For you, sweetheart? The famous actress of stage and holo-shows? Let me see... how about ten thousand credits? But I take you to Coruscant after I show my other passengers the famous Ice Curtain."
"Ten...? Are you crazy?" she spluttered.
"Actually, since the charter to see the Curtain is one thousand, the trip to Coruscant is only nine thousand extra. A real bargain."
"I'll find another ride," Mara huffed out. The nerve of that man!
"Go ahead, sweetheart." Solo turned and walked up the ramp of his ship, stopping just around the corner. A moment later, angry footsteps sounded as someone stomped up the ramp. Han stepped out, blocking her access. "What's the matter? Can't see any other possibilities out there in this lovely spaceport?"
"Ten thousand," she ground out.
Han grinned, and waved his hand toward the interior of his ship. "Welcome aboard the Millennium Falcon, Mara Jade, the famous actress."
Mara pointed behind her shoulder. "Go bring my bags inside," she ordered as she pushed past the surprised Corellian. Lying neatly near the far wall of the hanger was a pile of designer suitcases, stacked almost five feet high. It was very good the Falcon had lots of cargo space.
Mara Jade was not happy when she entered the hold of the ship. She was less happy to see a towering Wookiee trying desperately to communicate with a blond young man. "Which one of you is the idiot co-pilot and which one is the moron that hired Solo for a sightseeing tour?"
She was the most beautiful woman Luke had ever seen. Transfixed, Luke said breathlessly, "I'm the moron."
Mara looked down her perfect nose at the awestruck young man. "Of course you are. My name is Mara Jade. The famous actress. I'm sure you've heard of me."
"Mara Jade? The Mara Jade?" Luke gasped. Every night, he and Biggs would sit and watch holo-vids, fantasizing over the lovely, poised, actresses. Now here was the most beautiful one of them all... it was just too good to be true. If Luke had known Mara Jade was coming on this sightseeing trip, he would have given Solo all his credits, and worked as a galley cook for good measure. "I love you."
"Of course you do," she sighed. "Now get out of my way. I need to sit down - my feet are killing me."
Quickly, Luke turned a chair in her direction, indicating she should sit. "Can I get you some water? Some pillows? How about..."
Chewie had heard enough, and stomped off the ship in search of his Captain. He quickly spotted Han trying to haul enough luggage across the hanger to break the back of a dewback.
"Don't just stand there staring!" Han yelled over. "Come help me."
Chewie loped over to Han's side. *Is this all hers?*
"Women like lots of clothes," Han sighed. "What can I say?"
"You are quite correct, Captain," a deep, artificial voice hissed out. "My wife likes to own many dresses as well."
Han dropped the baggage, staring up open-mouthed at the black helmet of the masked man. "Uh... h..hello," Han managed to stutter out. "Can I help you?"
"I hope so," the man replied. "My wife and I are looking for a ride. You have a ship. Perhaps we can work something out."
"I'm taking charters to see the Ice Curtain," Han said slowly. "Is that what you want to see?"
"We missed our cruise ship, and need to catch up to it before it gets too far away," the man answered. "A side trip to the Ice Curtain is irrelevant."
"But it sounds lovely," a woman's warm voice put in, approaching from behind the tall man. The masked man turned and embraced the woman. "We can see the Ice Curtain, too, can't we dear?"
"Of course, lovely. Anything your heart desires," the man answered, turning back to Solo.
Han was just as dumbfounded by the appearance of the woman. She was dressed from head to toe in shining blue and red robes, her hair coiled up over her head in a tight spiral corkscrew, and her face was painted a stark white. Her eyes were outlined in black, with red, perfect dots on her cheeks. Her lips were a blood red, with a perfect, large red strip running down her chin. Han had been from one side of the galaxy to the other, and never in all his travels had he seen a stranger couple. He wasn't even sure they were human.
Regaining his poise, Han stuck out his hand. "Captain Han Solo at your service, ma'am."
"And my name is Padme - "
"Vader," her husband said quickly. "My name is Anakin Vader, and this is my wife, Padme Vader."
"This is my partner, Chewbacca," Han said, nodding towards the Wookiee. "Let's talk credits, shall we?"
"By all means, Captain Solo."
*Why did you agree to take both of them for one thousand credits?* Chewie complained.
"I don't know..." Han stopped. "I was gonna charge them five thousand each. Then suddenly, I was agreeing to a thousand. I don't know what happened."
*Well... whatever. I hope we find that cruise ship fast.* The Wookiee watched as the strange pair made their way over to the Falcon. *Those two give me the creeps. And now look at all the luggage we have to haul over to the ship!* he complained. Instead of one large pile, now there were three large piles of suitcases.
"Yeah," Han sighed. "I don't know what made me agree to cart all this, either. I must look like a bellboy."
*No,* Chewie disagreed. *You look like a sucker.*
"What the hell's in this box?" Han complained as he and Chewie wrestled with the last box, lowering it into the storage space under the corridor floor. This wasn't luggage - it was a heavy locked case, with reinforced durasteel sides. It weighed a ton.
"It is none of your business, Captain," Vader rumbled at the sweat-soaked Corellian. "Just store the container."
"I'm storing it!"
"Good." With that, Vader turned and stalked down the corridor where his wife was busy talking to some actress named Jade and a star-struck young man. He had almost reached the ship's hold, when he nearly collided with his wife as she came charging out into the hall.
"Anakin!" she breathed, her eyes wide. "That young man in there! He just told me his name."
"And his name would be?"
"Skywalker! Luke Skywalker!"
I'm going to make it! Leia Organa thought as she scurried along the edge of the wall. Finally! She was going to leave her chaperones behind her. Some coming-of-age trip this was turning out to be. First, the stupid hotel had lost her reservations. And the beach was a joke. Where were all the wild and crazy young people? Where were all the parties? Being a princess and a debutant had a lot of drawbacks. This was her first trip without daddy, and Leia had wanted to live it up. It was just like her uptight aunts to book her a trip to no man's land. She was certain they'd done it on purpose, just so she wouldn't have any fun. In two stupid months, she was being shipped off to an all-girl college, and would be back under tight supervision as she studied a bunch of boring subjects. Her aunts wanted her to study science, of all subjects! They claimed she had too many brains to just throw away her gods-granted gifts! Gifts! Those gifts were more like a noose around her neck. Why not just make her become a mathematician, as long as they were determined to destroy her life? No man in his right mind would ever look twice at a princess turned scientist! Did they think she looked like a professor? Leia glanced down at her boring white dress. Maybe I do. Well.. that is certainly about to change.
Entering the hanger, Leia felt her heart drop. There was only one ship, and what a hunk of junk! Then she spotted a tall man exiting and walking down the ramp, stopping next to a hand-drawn sign. Behind her in the distance, Leia could hear the prissy voice of one of her pursuers calling out her name. "Hey!" she shouted, running toward the man. He turned and looked at her. Leia felt her heart give a flutter. The ship might be beyond help, but the man had potential. Definitely had potential. And he wasn't a boy, either. This was a man. Her aunts would not approve of him at all - which gave him instant extra appeal. "Are you still taking passengers?"
Han looked down at the short female, sizing her up. Cute, but very young, with long dark hair that hung in braids on either side of her face. She was dressed very modestly from head to foot in a long white dress with a high collar. "You're in luck. I have space for one more. One thousand credits to see the Ice Curtain." This time, Han had no intention of bargaining with the passenger.
"Then this is my lucky day," she replied, winking at him. "I just happen to have a thousand credits with me."
"How much luggage do you have?" Han asked suspiciously.
"Just what I'm carrying."
"Good. Then welcome aboard the Millennium Falcon, miss...?"
"Miss Leia. You may call me Miss Leia."
"Alright. My name is Captain Han Solo," Han nodded, and bent to pick up his sign. A loud swat stung his backside as the young woman sashayed up the ramp, glancing back coyly over her shoulder at the shocked Captain. Han's mouth hung open and he stared, speechless, as his latest passenger entered his ship.
Han threw the sign aside and followed the young woman inside, pausing only to raise the ramp. Then he entered the hold where his passengers sat. All five were sitting, staring at each other in silence. Mara Jade sat at the holo-game table across from Luke, looking annoyed. The farmboy sat opposite the actress, chin in his hands, a dopey grin plastered on his face. Miss Leia sat on a barrel, arms folded across her chest, glaring at Mara. And then there was the odd couple... they sat across the room on chairs, backs rigid, painted white face and black mask staring at Luke. At least Han assumed Mr. Vader was staring at Luke. It was hard to tell through that scary looking face covering.
Han cleared his throat. "If everybody's ready, we can lift off now."
"The sooner the better," Mara shot back. "Then you can get this stupid tour over with and take me to Coruscant."
Leia perked up at that. "Coruscant? You're going to Coruscant?" The idea of hurrying home was quickly replaced with the thrilling idea of extending her vacation on the city-planet that never slept. She could already picture herself in the all-night clubs, partying until she passed out from lack of sleep.
"Yes, but first I'm stuck taking this worthless trip."
"Could you take me to Coruscant, too?" Leia asked Solo.
"I suppose," Han replied dubiously. "But I'm gonna charge you more than just the thousand credits."
Leia leered at the pilot. "I'll gladly negotiate a fee we can both agree on, Captain. I'm sure I have something you'll want in exchange for a little trip."
"Uh... okay then. Everybody strap in," Han replied, backing out of the hold. Maybe Chewie had been right...maybe this had been a bad idea. He quickly headed for the cockpit, where Chewie sat, staring balefully at his Captain. "Okay, pal. I know... you told me so. You don't have to remind me. We just need to get this tour over with, find the cruise ship and dump off Mr. and Mrs. Freaky... then take the redhead to Coruscant. We'll never have to see any of them ever again."
*I hope so.* Chewie turned back to his controls. *I don't think you could have collected a stranger bunch if you tried. They scare me, and you know what happens when I get scared.*
"Don't start shedding!" Han said, his anxiety increasing. "The last time you got scared, we spent a week vacuuming your hair out of the duct work."
*I'm just warning you.*
Threepio and Artoo watched in dismay as the old freighter lifted off, fading away into the afternoon sky.
"Prince Organa is going to be most displeased with us, Artoo," Threepio said fearfully. "He may even order us dismantled for losing his precious Princess. It was just like her to ignore me when I called out for her to stop."
The little unit gave a series of beeps, then rolled to the area where the ship had been docked.
Threepio looked down, tilting his head. "Of course I'm certain she was on that ship. All that girl does is cause us to corrode our circuits with worry."
"Beep broo beee."
"This sign?" The gold droid bent awkwardly at his waist, picking up the homemade sign. "Curtain is misspelled."
"Vreeopp."
"Oh. OH! You think the Ice Curtain is where we'll find the Princess! Why didn't you say so?"
"Rrreeeouur."
"How rude! Of course we will follow her. We can't very well return to Alderaan without her, can we?"
The short trip to the Black Ice Curtain was uneventful, if oddly quiet. The only sound was the respirator of Mr. Vader as he breathed. In less than two time-parts, Han reentered the hold. "We'll be coming out of hyperspace in a few minutes, so everybody strap back in. Then you can come up to the cockpit two at a time and look at the phenomenon."
"I'll pass, thanks anyway," Jade said. Her shoes were off and her feet propped up against the table as she painted her toenails a sparkling green to match her eyes.
"Are we going to get any food on this trip?" Luke asked Han.
"Food?" Feeding the passengers hadn't occurred to him. "Do you want some ration bars? I have some meat in the cooler, too. I guess I could cook it for you."
"You're kidding, right?" Jade said with a snort. "We'd probably all end up in the medic ward with food poisoning."
"I'll bet the Captain cooks just fine," Leia responded, licking her lips. "He probably doesn't even need to turn on the cooker, since he's so hot already."
"Listen, Miss Leia, you're just a little bit young for me, so why don't you quit with the innuendos?" Han admonished the girl.
"I'm not young," she argued back. "I'm eighteen. Perfectly legal for everything, if you know what I mean."
"I'm eighteen, too!" Luke said, suddenly noticing Leia for the first time since she came onboard.
"Oh, shut up!" Mara yelled. "I'm the same age as you two ... and I've been a star for almost five years already. I've had a command performance before the Emperor himself! What cave did you losers crawl out from?"
"Tatooine," Luke supplied politely. "But I didn't live in a cave. It was more like a mud hut. I plan on going to Alderaan after this trip and enrolling in school. My aunt and uncle really don't want me to leave the farm, though."
"What kind of school, Luke?" Mrs. Vader asked, very interested.
"It's a very specialized school," Luke said proudly. "I'm going to be a famous pastry chef!"
"WHAT?" Vader stood up roaring, making Luke flinch away in surprise and fear. "A pastry chef? No way will I allow that! No s-"
Padme quickly stood, grabbing her husband's arm. "Now, now, dear. Calm down." She looked at Luke. "Never mind Mr. Vader. He once had a bad experience with a fruit tart."
"I've been stuck in an all-girl school since I've been five," Leia told the group. "And I'm about to head into another all-girl school to become a scientist if my daddy has anything to say about it."
"That explains why you think Solo is so hot," Mara said with a laugh.
"Hey! How would you like to find yourself floating home?" Solo shot back at the redhead. He wasn't sure what was worse, the overt flirting of Leia, or the insults of Mara.
"How would you like to go pilot this ship, Solo?" Vader said darkly. "I would really like to survive this trip and arrive back on the cruise ship in one piece."
The words had barely left Vader's mouth when lights started flashing and warning sirens echoed throughout the small freighter.
Eyes wide, Solo held up his hands to his passengers. "It's not my fault!"
*Get up here!* Chewie roared from the cockpit. *Now!*
Han ran into the cockpit, sitting down hard as the ship bucked wildly. "What the hell...?"
*We were pulled out of hyperspace,* Chewie informed his Captain. *And into a major space storm.*
"Space storm? That wasn't on any of the sensors! Space storms just don't appear outta nowhere," Han argued.
*This one did.*
"Can I watch?" Leia purred from the entrance. "I'd really love to see you in action, Captain."
"Take a seat and strap yourself in," Han yelled at the girl. "Before I have to peel you off the ceiling."
"Where's the Ice Curtain?" Luke asked as he too entered the cockpit.
"Sit down!" Han yelled even louder. "What in the seven hells is the matter with you kids?"
Luke sat down behind Chewie and fastened his belt. "I just wanted to see the Ice Curtain," he said petulantly. "I paid a lot of credits to see it, and I'm the only one here that even cares."
"The Ice Curtain ain't here, kid," Han snapped.
"It appears that the Curtain somehow dissolved, and created this unexpected space storm," Leia said calmly. "Just think about the odds of that happening while we happened to be here. At least ten billion to one."
"What made you think up the nerfbrained idea that the Ice Curtain caused this?" Han asked over his shoulder to the young woman.
"Isn't this where the Ice Curtain is supposed to be?" she asked.
"Yes."
"And is it?"
"No."
"So it isn't a nerfbrained idea... it's just the simple facts as I see them. The Ice Curtain is gone, and it caused this storm when it broke up."
"That's not fair!" Luke yelled out, stomping his feet on the floor. "I've waited years and years to see this thing, and now it's gone! I want a refund!"
"It ain't my fault it disappeared, kid," Han argued as he turned to face Luke. "No refunds!"
"You can't keep my credits! Your sign said 'satisfaction guaranteed'!"
"Not if things happened beyond my control. You ain't gettin' your credits back. "
"Your sign didn't say that - "
"Boys..." Leia said, smiling.
*Han...* Chewie woofed softly.
"What?" Han yelled at his partner.
*We have a bigger problem...*
Han looked out the cockpit window, and stared in shock as blue strands of lightning shot out from the center of the storm. The pilot made frantic attempts to avoid the bolts - to no avail. The Falcon was tossed like a tiny toy on the edges of blue fingers, while the inside electronics of the ship sparked and crackled.
With most of the controls suddenly not functioning, Han and Chewie looked desperately for a safe haven. "There!" Han yelled, pointing at the appearance of a planet through the viewport.
*Can it sustain life?*
"I don't know... none of the long range readouts are working."
"We can't land there if it doesn't have oxygen," Leia pointed out to the harried Captain.
"Let me tell you, sister - this ship is losing life support, and I can't fix it if we don't land. So you'd better hope it has oxygen, 'cuz if it doesn't, it ain't gonna matter unless you're so smart you can figure out how to breath in space."
For long minutes, Solo and the Wookiee fought the failing controls as the Falcon tore through the outer atmosphere of the planet. Even once they had entered the inner atmosphere, the storm continued unabated. "At least we still have shields," Han ground out through his teeth.
"Shouldn't you slow down?" Luke questioned.
"I would if I could, kid," Han replied, looking worriedly at the rapidly approaching surface. He tugged on the yoke, trying to force the nose of the craft up and increase the drag to slow the descent. It had little effect... the ground kept coming, the landscape growing more visible and distinct with each passing second.
The screaming voice of Mara Jade carried down the corridor from the hold. "I'm too young and beautiful to die!"
No one remembered what happened next, as unconsciousness claimed the crew and the passengers.
"Chewie?" Han whispered, trying to keep his head from exploding. What had he been drinking? Slowly, he opened one eye and realized he was plastered against the control panel in the cockpit. He could see nothing through the cracked window of the cockpit except darkness. Carefully, he turned his head and looked at his partner. The Wookiee was breathing and starting to moan as he hung forward against his straps - a good sign. Han pushed back and turned to check out his passengers. They, too, were alive with no visible cuts or bruises.
Leia groaned and tried sitting up, tugging at her restraining harness. "What happened?"
"Hell if I know," Han answered with a shrug.
"Where are we?"
Solo turned back to his controls. "I can't tell... everything's been fried. But at least we landed in one piece... relatively."
*Han?*
"Hey, Chewie! Are you okay?"
The Wookiee pulled a large wad of loose hair out of his arm as more wafted away from his chest. *See? Now I am shedding! Next time I tell you something is a bad idea... listen to me!*
The front section of the Falcon had ended up buried a third of the way into the ground, the back end of the ship facing the sky. The landing ramp could not be opened, since the controls were fried. Still, Solo's questionable luck had saved him once again - they had crash-landed on soft sand, near a large body of water. The landing site had undoubtedly saved all of their lives, especially the four that were in the cockpit at the time of impact.
"At least it has breathable air," Mr. Vader commented after the group jumped out of the top escape hatch to the surface.
"And we're alive," Mrs. Vader added as she freshened up the dots on her cheeks and stuck the makeup tube back in her large embroidered handbag. "Someone will come looking for us."
"I don't know why you had to cut open my escape hatch with that light sword of yours," Han griped. "Now you caused even more damage."
"You can consider yourself fortunate I only used my sword on the hatch, and not on you."
"I already told you this wasn't my fault!" Han argued back. "How could I predict that giant storm would show up right then?"
Mara looked around at their surroundings. Tall mountains rose in the distance, with a wide swath of green foliage between the sandy beach and the rocky walls of the mountains. "Do you think there are intelligent life forms on this system? Other than me, I mean?"
"There are many life forms," Vader rumbled. "But none of them seem to be sentient."
"How do you know? Have you been here before?"
"I do not know where we are, but I do know there are life forms." He turned and walked away from the actress without giving her time to ask more questions.
Leia and Luke walked up behind the Wookiee and Solo. "Another deserted beach!" Leia moaned in complaint. "Just my rotten luck we couldn't land on a beach with lots of boys! I think the Goddesses must hate me."
Han and Chewie checked out the exterior of his battered freighter. "Look at this damage," he said, shaking his head. "The hyperspace drive is shot to hell. Half the outside conduits are torn in half. And how will we ever get her out of all this sand and back on her feet? Who knows what kind of damage is here that I can't even see!"
"How are we going to get those pointy things unburied?" Luke asked as he tentatively gave the upright ship a push with his finger.
"Pointy things?" Han said, getting more annoyed by the second. "Those pointy things are called mandibles."
"Who cares what they're called," Mara shot back. "Can you fix it?"
"I don't have the parts to fix it. I'll be lucky to patch together the subspace radio to send out a distress signal." Deep inside, Han doubted he'd have the parts to do even that. The dish antenna was gone, and it was a vital part of sending out long range distress signals. The Falcon had been in bad shape before, but never quite this much damage all at the same time, and it had certainly never been half-buried.
"So you're telling us we're stuck here?" Mara growled out. "There'd better be civilization close by, and they'd better have a twelve-star hotel. I refuse to accept anything less."
"Chewie and me'll hike up the mountain to the highest point. We can check out our surroundings from up high, and see if there are any towns or villages nearby."
"Good idea, Solo," Mara said, crossing her arms and frowning. "If you don't come back, we'll just assume the local carnivores ate you, and believe me, no one will care."
"Either I'll be dead, or I'll be swimming in a luxury hotel pool while you're eating bugs and trying to figure out how to start a fire with a stick," Han returned as he stalked off.
It was nearly five timeparts later that a hot and tired Wookiee and Corellian stumbled back onto the beach and made their way over to the group sitting in a circle near the Falcon.
"Well?" Leia asked as she stood up, brushing sand from her dress. "What did you see?"
"Trees," Han answered wearily, scratching at all his insect bites. "Lots and lots of trees. And some higher mountains a long ways away. And this ocean. But no villages. Sorry." He looked over at Chewie, and noted his friend's fur was coming out in huge clumps. Already the Wookiee looked like he had a case of mange.
"I could have told you that," Vader said.
"Why didn't you?"
"I thought I did."
"Maybe there are villages beyond the mountains," Luke suggested as he surreptitiously scooted over to sit closer to Mara. The redhead glared and moved further away.
"There are no villages beyond the mountains, beyond the ocean, or anywhere else on this planet," Vader intoned.
"How in the hell do you know that?" Han snapped at the strange man. "Do you think you're clairvoyant?"
"I have knowledge you will never understand."
"If you're so knowledgeable, maybe you can explain why you took this trip in the first place?"
"It was the will of the Force."
"The will of the what?" Han asked, noticing Mrs. Vader trying to discreetly stop her husband from speaking by punching him in his side.
A sudden gust of wind blew sand in Mrs. Vader's face, sticking to her pasty white makeup. "The Force," Vader repeated. "You wouldn't understand."
"I understand perfectly!" Mrs. Vader yelled, standing up and whacking her spouse on top of his helmet with her handbag. "You just ruined my makeup! How dare you!" She stomped off down the beach.
Vader quickly stood and ran after her. "Lovely! Lovely! I didn't mean it...forgive me!"
"What was that all about?" Han asked in wide-eyed wonder as he watched the bizarre pair leave. Why would Mrs. Vader blame her husband for the wind blowing sand in her face?
"I read about the Force in one of my classes," Leia said informatively. "It's some ancient religion that no one practices anymore."
"I can't sit in the sun," Mara moaned as she studied her forearm. "I'll get freckles. Redheads get freckles when they sit in the sun."
"Like that hair color is natural," Leia muttered under her breath.
"We could go find a nice tree to sit under," Luke suggested to Mara.
"That's actually a good idea," Mara said as she stood. "Except for the 'we' part." With that, she headed off to find some shade.
"I think she loves me, " Luke said with a dreamy smile as he watched her trounce away.
"How could you?" Padme sobbed, refusing to face Anakin.
"I said I was sorry! What do you want me to do?" He quickly gathered up his cloak and offered her the material.
"Oh, Anakin!" she cried, taking the cape and blowing her nose loudly. "I'm just so upset. First we miss our cruise! Then we get stuck on that disgusting ship, and crash on some backwater planet! Not to mention our son! The sand was just the last straw."
"I understand, my lovely. Truly I do. Our son wants to become a ...a pastry chef. The very idea makes me want to blow up Alderaan just to prevent that from happening."
"Why didn't they adopt him? Why did they let him keep our last name?"
"I don't know, my lovely, I just don't know. I'll have to ask his uncle that question right before I kill him."
"Obi-Wan promised! He promised that he'd find our babies a good home. How is a mud hut in the middle of a desert a good home, I ask you? Some kind of friend he turned out to be. I should have known better since he was your friend, not mine." She blew her nose again before handing the cape back to her husband.
Vader sighed. "Maybe we just should have kept them."
"Don't even say that!" Padme yelled back. "You know what that would have done to our social life? Can you see me raising twins?" Mrs. Vader shuddered, thinking about the horrors of having to hire all those nannies and nurses. "But Obi-Wan promised!"
"Hopefully, wherever she is, our daughter turned out better than our son."
"I guess we'll have to figure out how to build some shelter," Han commented as he watched Luke run after Mara toward the trees. "We can't sleep on the Falcon." He looked up at his ship in despair.
"Can I share your blanket tonight, Captain?" Leia asked, pressing up close to his side. "We'll probably need to share supplies, you know. Maybe even body heat."
Han backed away from the girl. "If you don't stop -" He got no further. A bright flash shot overhead, followed by a blast of wind and a high pitched roar. Everyone stopped and watched as the object crashed into the trees off in the distance, sending a puff of smoke trailing up into the sky.
"What was that?" Leia asked.
*A meteorite?* Chewie barked out.
"No..." Han said as his brain untangled what his eyes just saw. "It looked like an escape pod."
*An escape pod? Now what are the odds of someone crashing on this uncharted system only a few time-parts after we did?*
"Pretty slim, partner."
"Oh! My! Goddess!" Mara shrilled as she jumped to her feet. "What else is going to happen to me today? That ... that thing could have crashed right into me! Look how close it was!"
"Well," Luke said, pausing to look out over the trees. "It wasn't really that close."
"Not close? Not close? It came all the way from the sky, farmboy! How much closer should it have crashed to me before you would qualify it as close?"
"I guess if you put it that way..."
Han, Chewie and Leia walked over to the trees. "So, is anyone interested in finding out what that was?" Han asked.
"Don't you want to check it out?" Luke asked.
"No way, kid. Me and Chewie already had our exercise for the day. It's someone else's turn."
"Luke and I will go check out the object," Vader hissed from behind Solo, causing him to jump in surprise.
"Would you please not sneak up on me?"
"I do not sneak."
"Actually, dear, you do have a tendency to sneak," Mrs. Vader said.
"Fine!" Vader threw up his gloved hands. "I'm a sneak! Does that make everyone happy?"
"Makes me happy," Han commented. "How about you, pal? Does that make you happy?"
*If I were any happier, I'd start molting,* Chewie woofed.
"It looks like you are molting," Mara remarked as more fur floated away on the breeze.
*I don't have to take this!* Chewie howled. *It's not my fault I shed when I get scared!* He stalked back toward the ship, a cloud of hair following in his wake.
"I hope you're happy, Mara Jade, the famous actress," Han snapped. "Now you made the Wookiee get upset. You have no idea how long it takes me to calm Chewie down when he's upset."
"Like I care."
"ENOUGH!" Vader shouted. "Luke! You will come with me! The rest of you will get our clothes and supplies off the ship, and make a shelter for the night. Do not forget to get my case off your ship, Solo. Move it! Now!"
"Yes, sir!" Han and Luke yelled simultaneously.
The Millionaire Sith and the young man headed off into the forest.
"Man, I didn't think it crashed this far away," Luke complained as he trudged through the forest, following Mr. Vader as he slashed the foliage away with his saber. "Are you sure we're headed in the right direction?"
Vader spun around to face Luke, sticking his finger in the boy's face. "I have already told you, at least two dozen times, that I am CERTAIN we are headed in the right direction! If you ask me that one more time..." He trailed off, leaving his threat unspoken.
"Geez. Sorry." Luke replied, not sounding the least bit sorry. "Where did you get that neat light stick thing anyway?"
"It is not called a light stick! It is called a lightsaber."
"Oh. Okay. Can I play with it for a while now?"
"No, you may not."
"Why do you wear that black helmet and that uniform with all those buttons on it?"
"The buttons are controls, to regulate temperature and such."
"Such? What's 'such'? You mean like when you have to... you know... use the refresher? That would be neat... never having to use the refresher. Sometimes those public refreshers are really disgusting. I remember one time I used one in Mos Eisley - "
"I use the refresher," Vader growled out, interrupting Luke's story. "Stop asking me questions." He returned to his slashing at the underbrush.
Luke followed behind. "It must take you a long time to get all that stuff off just to... you know... use the refresher."
"Shut up with the refresher."
"How do you eat?"
"What?"
"With that helmet? How do you eat? Or do you just smash the food up and stick it in one of those little holes in the face mask? Or do you grind it up in a food processor until it's liquid and suck it up through a straw?"
"SHUT UP!"
"Golly... you sure do yell a lot."
Vader did not speak for long moments. Finally he said, "What made you decide you wanted to become... a... pastry chef?" It was hard even getting the question verbalized.
"Oh... I don't know. I hate being a moisture farmer. It's so drying on the skin. If I don't leave Tatooine, my face will look like the Emperor's when I'm thirty."
"There are many professions besides being a farmer or ... a... pastry chef."
"I like baking," Luke answered cheerfully. "Aunt Beru lets me help her in the kitchen all the time. Plus, it keeps me away from Uncle Owen. Uncle yells a lot. Kinda like you."
"Have they ever told you about your parents?"
"Nah. I asked once, but Uncle Owen told me I was lucky they gave me up. I guess both my parents are certifiable space cases."
"WHAT?" Vader turned back to Luke. "Your uncle told you that?"
"Uhhh... yeah," Luke said, stepping backwards to avoid Mr. Vader's wrath. "Why? What's the problem?"
"Problem? No problem." Vader turned and kept walking, thinking about how sweet revenge would be when he caught up to Owen Lars.
"What's in this case?" Han asked as he and Chewie hauled the reinforced box that belonged to Mr. Vader off the Falcon and over to the growing stack of suitcases and boxes under the trees.
"Oh, that's just my dear Anakin's important flimsies, and some credit chips. You know... silly stuff he can't live without."
"He hauls this many credit chips with him wherever he goes?"
"Of course. Anakin says you can't put all your nuts in the same hollow log. You must spread things out - for emergency purposes."
Chewie looked down at his patchy chest with bits of bare skin showing. *If this keeps up, I will need clothes.*
"A hairless male Wookiee?" Leia asked, grinning. "That sounds interesting."
"Miss Leia!" Padme replied, shocked. "Your father would be appalled to hear you speak like that."
"Of all the people... I have to get stranded with a bunch of uptight prudes," Leia said with a sigh.
"I am not a prude," Mara said. "It's just that I like my men handsome and rich. I don't see any possibilities among the losers here."
"My Anakin is very handsome," Padme told Mara. "But you can't have him."
"Handsome?" Mara laughed. "Then why is he hiding under that mask?"
"Listen, ladies, I hate to interrupt this little gossip session but we have to start putting up some shelter," Han inserted into the conversation. "I have two emergency tents that hold four people each. So Chewie and me will put one up, and you women can put up the other one."
"I don't know how to put up a tent!" Mrs. Vader exclaimed. "I've never been camping in my life. Camping is for the common folk. It's just so... primitive."
"I'm not ruining my nails," Mara added, folding her arms across her chest and daring Han to say anything.
"Who is going to sleep in each tent?" Leia asked. "I think Mr. and Mrs. Vader and Luke and Mara should share one tent. I'll share with you, Captain."
"That sounds fine to me," Mara said. "I'm not sleeping anywhere near that Wookiee."
"No," Mrs. Vader shook her head, thinking about her son. "Mara and Leia will share a tent with me. The four men can sleep in the other one."
"NO!" Leia cried out. "That is totally unacceptable!"
"I agree," Han said, thinking about smashing into the same tent as Chewie and Mr. Vader. He'd never get any sleep. "I think Mr. Vader can be in the same tent as the women. He can sleep against the wall, with his wife between him and the girls."
*How about the three women and the Wookiee in the same tent?* Chewie woofed out his suggestion.
"In your dreams, pal."
"Here it is," Vader said as they came upon the crashed and smoking escape pod. "It looks like it is in one piece - barely."
"You open it up," Luke said. "I don't want to see anything dead."
Vader sighed. Taking his lightsaber, he sliced open the hatch and stuck his head inside.
"What's in there?" Luke asked, nervously rubbing his hands together. "If there's something dead in there, I'm going to lose it."
"Droids. Two powered-down droids." Vader reached over and flipped a switch on the back of the tall droid.
"We're dooooommmeed," the refined voice screamed. Then he turned his glowing eyes to Vader. "How did you get inside our escape pod? I'm afraid you'll have to leave immediately... we don't have any room to spare."
"You have already landed," Vader hissed, grabbing the droid and pulling him out. Then he pushed out the astromech droid as well.
Luke bent over and turned it on. "Vreeeoopp."
"That's okay, little guy," Luke told the droid. "We'll take care of you." Luke looked at Vader. "I know all about droids. Uncle Owen made me repair them all the time."
"At least he taught you something worthwhile," Vader returned.
"My name is C-3PO," the golden droid said by way of introduction. "I am a Chaperone, Series 3, Party Obstacle droid, and I am programmed to discern the ten million forms of what humans consider a good time. My programming instructs me to put a stop to those good times. You may call me Threepio, for short."
Artoo gave a loud whistle.
"Oh yes. This is R2-D2. He is programmed to do laundry, vacuum floors and give unwanted advice. Humans have a tendency to just ignore him."
Artoo gave a raspberry in Threepio's direction.
"How did you end up on this system?" Luke asked, much to Vader's dismay.
"Well, it's like this, sir. I am the personal droid of Princess Leia -"
"Leia's a princess?" Luke interrupted.
"Yes. She didn't tell you?"
"No."
"I can't imagine why not," Vader remarked sarcastically.
"Anyway, being the personal droids of the Princess, our job is to make sure she stays out of trouble. Let me tell you that is one impossible task! So once she ran away on that old ship, we were obligated to follow. We certainly weren't expecting a space storm!"
"By any chance, did you manage to get off a distress signal?" Vader questioned.
"Distress signal? I suppose, thinking back on it, that we should have taken the time to do that. However, in our defense, getting to the escape pod was quite a challenge, with the ship breaking up and all. It's lucky we're still in one piece!"
"Yes, we are all lucky." Vader said morosely.
Han pounded the last stake in the ground, happy that the two tents were finally up. Mara and Mrs. Vader sat watching under a tree, occasionally offering worthless advice, while Miss Leia had kept busy handing Han his tools, frequently running her fingers through his hair and down his back. It was a very distracting way to put up tents.
"There," he said, stepping back to admire his work. "All finished. Of course, we could have been done twice as fast if everyone would have helped."
"I helped," Leia whispered. "Now you can repay my kindness by helping me."
"Helping you do what?" Han asked, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.
"Why, this..." Leia flung her arms around his neck, pulling him down and kissing him.
"Mistress Leia!" Threepio called out as he exited the forest. "Thank the Maker you're alive!"
Leia's eyes grew wide in shock and she jumped back from Solo. "Nooo..." She turned to the mechanical voice. "It can't be! NOOOOO!" With that, she ran screaming toward the pounding surf at a supernatural speed.
"Oh dear," Threepio said. "I do believe I shocked her by my unexpected appearance."
"It seems she is planning to drown herself," Vader commented as the young woman splashed into the water.
"Oh...goodness me!" Threepio exclaimed. "I can't swim!"
"Neither can I," Vader commented. "My metal clothes are too heavy."
"And my makeup will get totally ruined," Mrs. Vader said.
"I'm from Tatooine," Luke pointed out. "We don't have water."
*My fur will never dry out.*
"Don't look at me," Mara told the group.
All eyes turned to Solo. "That's just swell, isn't it? What else am I expected to do?" He stomped off toward the water.
Yanking off his boots and throwing aside his gun rig, Han jumped into the water and swam in strong fast strokes until he reached the floundering woman. Grabbing her around the waist, he turned and awkwardly kicked back toward shore. "Just relax, and let me do all the work," he instructed.
"I can't tell you how long I've waited to hear those words, Captain," Leia spluttered out from the foam. She twisted her torso until she was facing him, kissing his neck and cheek.
"Watch where you put your hands!" Han snapped, trying to hurry.
"My hero," she breathed into his ear, nibbling at his earlobe. "I'll be forever in debt to you for saving me."
Finally, Han felt sand beneath his feet, and he dragged himself toward the beach, carrying Leia. The rest of the group stood just back from the water's edge, waiting until Leia was deposited at their feet. She quickly stood up, facing Threepio.
"How dare you follow me!" she screamed at the droid. "I hate you! You've ruined my life!" She stalked back toward the tents.
"But I am only doing my job!" Threepio protested as he spun around and followed her.
Two weeks later...
"I can't believe we've been marooned for two weeks already! It feels like two years," Mara complained to her ever-present companion, Luke Skywalker. "I can't keep my nails looking nice if I have to keep doing all this manual labor." She stepped over to Luke in her red high heels that matched the red silky dress she was wearing and handed him some dripping clothes.
"This isn't so hard," Luke replied cheerfully, as he hung the wet clothes over a laundry rope to allow them to dry. "Artoo is the one working the hardest." He looked over at the little droid - a vine was wrapped around a bucket and looped back over around Artoo's 'head', and the little droid rotated back and forth. This created a motion that foamed up the soap and washed the clothes. "It's amazing how Leia made soap out of fish fat and some roots."
"Leia, Leia, Leia!" Mara cried out, checking to make sure her sparkling green gown was hanging correctly on the line. "If you think she's so great, why don't you go hang around her?"
"Mara, I think you're the greatest," Luke gushed. "You're the best actress in the galaxy. And the most beautiful woman in a million light years."
"That's true, but I feel useless," she said with a sigh. "The only thing I can do is entertain, and now I can't even do that."
"Sure you can! I'll build you a stage, and we can put on a play!" Luke said enthusiastically. "You can direct, and star... and sing... and everything! I'll do all the manual labor to get the stage set up!"
"You'd do that? For me?"
"Why not? The huts are all built... and I can't help with trying to fix the ship. I know because I've tried. Chewie keeps barking orders at me, and I can't understand anything he says. Han just tells me Chewie wants to pull my arms out of their sockets for getting in the way."
"Thank you, Luke!" Mara flung her arms around the young man and kissed his cheek.
"No problem!" he replied happily, putting his fingers on the spot she had kissed. "Just let me go take my kakannut cream pie out of the oven, and I'll get started right away."
"Only a few more shovels, and we should be able to tip it over," Han told Chewie as they hauled yet another bucket of sand away from the Falcon.
*You've been saying that for days. Every time we think we're close, more sand caves into the hole. I hate sand. I can't get it out of my fur, and it makes me itch.*
"At least you stopped shedding."
*That is one small good thing,* Chewie agreed.
"Hey, there!" Leia called out as she walked toward them. "Do you like my new outfit?" She spun around to show them a pair of very short white shorts, and a sleeveless midriff top, a knot tied under her chest to show a great deal of skin.
"Wow!" Han said. "Where did you come up with that? I thought you only had long white dresses."
"Not anymore. I cut them all up and made a bunch of these outfits. Threepio will have a fit when he sees them," she snickered. A week ago, she'd asked Mara if she could use some of the redhead's many dresses, and was thoroughly rebuffed. Sharing a hut with the actress was not something Leia was enjoying, and the Princess frequently attempted to foist Threepio off on Mara as revenge. This was something that should have annoyed the actress - except for the fact Mara enjoyed ordering the droid around like he was her personal slave.
"You're just in time to watch us pull the ship back to her belly," Han said, indicating the teetering freighter.
Leia frowned and looked down into the moat surrounding the ship. It was fairly deep, and filled with water halfway down. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"Of course I'm sure," Han replied indignantly. "You're not the only one with brains, ya know." He turned to his partner. "Chewie! You got those vines tied around the Falcon?"
*Tight as I can make them,* came the Wookiee's reply.
"Watch this," Han said to Leia with a wink, then moved to the far side of the ship. Han and Chewie each grabbed one end of a vine and started pulling. And pulling. And they pulled some more. They were just about to give up when the ship started swaying. "There!" Han yelled over to Leia. "I told you it'd work!"
Just then, the ship toppled over - the wrong direction. The Falcon lay belly up like a pathetic, upside down sea turtle.
"No! NO!" Han yelled, kicking sand with his boot.
"Apparently, the soft sand and the water gave way under the cockpit during the rocking motion, sliding the ship the opposite direction," Leia yelled back. "Simple physics."
Han stalked back to the Princess. "Now I'll never get it back the way it should be."
"That's okay," Leia said soothingly as she patted his arm. "I'll comfort you anytime, big guy."
*At least the pointy things are unburied,* Chewie added with a loud guffaw.
"Have a piece of pie, darling," Mrs. Vader said as she slid some of the delicious, creamy dessert to her husband.
"Where are all the fools?"
"They're busy. You can take off the helmet."
Vader removed his mask, running his fingers through his thick, curly blond hair. He took a mouthful of pie. "Wonderful. Too bad our son is the one that made it."
"I don't think Luke becoming a pastry chef is such a bad idea. It's a nice, safe occupation. And he seems to be good at it, too."
"Perhaps," Anakin replied, stuffing more into his mouth. "At least he likes girls. Even if it's the wrong one."
"Wrong one?"
"Why can't he like the brunette?"
"Miss Leia? That girl has one thing on her mind, and I'm rather glad Luke is more interested in Mara," Padme answered. "At least she isn't giving him the time of day."
Anakin sighed. "Perhaps you're right. But then, you're always right, my lovely."
"Anakin?"
"Yes?"
"Why can't you leave the helmet off now? There are no investors chasing you here."
The Millionaire Sith grinned broadly. "My lovely. The three young people are terrified of me, and Solo and the Wookiee are pretty intimidated, too. I like it that way."
"You are so bad, Anakin," Padme said with a laugh.
"I know. I know," he said as he polished off his pie, trying not to think about the fact that Luke was the one baking them.
"A play? What'dya mean, we gotta put on a play?" Han roared at the young man. "If we're the idiots in the play, who's supposedly watching? What's the point?"
"Mara is bored," he answered. "She wants to do this. It doesn't matter if there's an audience."
"She wouldn't be bored if she did some work around here, instead of washing her hair and putting on nail polish every ten minutes!"
"Shh! She'll hear you," Luke said, lowering his voice. "If we do this, she'll feel like part of the group. Then she'll start pitching in with other things."
"Yeah," Han said with a snort. "I know exactly what other things you want from her."
"I do not!" Luke replied indignantly. "Mara is a goddess. I would never want anything more than friendship from her."
"Fine, then. You go put on a play with the goddess. I'll take a pass - thanks anyways."
"Han... I'm warning you. If you don't cooperate, I'll..."
"You'll what?" Han asked.
"You'll be sorry. I'll stop baking pies. "
Han's jaw dropped. "All right, you ... you blackmailer!"
Luke grinned in triumph. The pies won every time.
"Why do I have to play the scullery maid?" Leia cried out, holding a ratty gray wig. "I want to be your sorority sister, or something."
"There aren't any sorority sisters in this play," Mara explained with strained patience. "You can just pull the curtain open and closed if that makes you happier."
Leia threw the wig at Mara, hitting her square in the face. "Take your stupid play, and your stupid wig and stuff it." She slammed out the thin wooden door and headed off into the forest.
Mara rolled her eyes dramatically and looked at the ceiling. "Being the director and the star is such a chore!"
After hiking a distance, Leia sat down with her back against a tree. Before long, her thoughts drifted to Solo, as they always did. Maybe he'd like me better if I was a redhead... maybe he doesn't like brunettes...
A kakannut fell out of the tree and bounced off Leia's head.
"This is a waste of time," Vader complained as he held up a script. "Tell me again why we are doing this?"
"Because Mara wants us to," Padme replied, memorizing her lines.
"But it's a musical! I can't sing! And I certainly can't dance, especially wearing this helmet."
"All we have to do is try, dear. Mara will only look all the better if we look bad. And if we look bad, that will make her feel good."
"I don't care how she feels."
"Now, darling," Padme laid her hand on his sleeve. "Quit complaining. We all have to work together if we ever want to leave this planet."
"How, pray tell, is this helping get us off the planet?"
"Don't ask so many questions, dear. It's time to go to rehearsal."
"All you have to do is keep the light pointed at the stage, Threepio," Luke instructed the droid, as he adjusted the glass tube pulled from the insides of the Falcon, over the strenuous objections of the Captain.
"But there is fire inside this thing! What if something melts? Like my circuits?"
"You won't melt, Threepio. Trust me."
"I'm sure this must be forbidden somewhere in my programming. Let me process for a moment...'plays'... no... I can't find anything in my programming that claims 'plays' qualify as a good time."
"See? So you can participate. No problem."
"I suppose," Threepio conceded reluctantly. "I guess my job isn't as bad as Artoo's..." He looked over at the little droid who was attached to the heavy stage curtain with a vine - his little wheels spinning as he tried to tug the curtain open. Threepio threw up his hands in dismay as the curtain won the war - pulling the little droid up and swinging him helplessly in the air.
"Rrreeebbbeeee..."
"Get down from there immediately!" Threepio called up to the little droid. "Do you always have to be the comedian, Artoo?"
"I guess Miss Leia really isn't going to come," Padme commented as they all stood around on the stage holding scripts.
"She's just a spoiled brat, that's all," Mara said with a snort.
"You ought to know," Han remarked under his breath.
"What did you just say?"
"I said -"
A voice carried to the stage, singing a raunchy song off key. Leia stumbled into the light, wearing a red wig and one of Mara's glittering gowns. "Hello, my fans and admirers!" she called out breathlessly.
"Get out of my dress!" Mara shrieked at Leia. "I told you they're mine!"
"Whatever are you talking about? These dresses are mine!" Leia replied with a confused look on her face.
Mara stomped off the stage and over to the Princess. "You are a thief and a liar! Now go get out of my dress!"
"They're not your dresses! They're mine!" Leia insisted. "Why are you dressed like me?"
"What are you talking about?" Mara spun around to face the stage, looking at Solo. "What is she talking about?"
"You're asking me?" Han asked, pointing at his chest. "How would I know? I think you're all crazy."
"Something is obviously wrong with the dear girl," Mrs. Vader said as she hurried over to Leia. "What's the matter, honey?"
"Nothing's wrong," Leia answered. "I don't know what everyone is talking about. I'm Mara Jade. The famous actress."
"Oh dear," Threepio cried out. "I do believe Miss Leia is malfunctioning."
"She'll be malfunctioning when I get through with her," Mara hissed through clenched teeth.
"I think you're right, Threepio," Mrs. Vader said, noting a welt on Leia's head. "She appears to have suffered some type of concussion. Perhaps you should take her back to her hut."
"No!" Leia said, backing up. "I'm not going anywhere with that metal man. I'll only go with my husband."
"Your husband?" Mara asked, eyes wide.
"Yes, my husband." Leia looked up at the stage, where the three men and the Wookiee stood looking down. "Come, Han dearest. Let's go home."
"Me?" Han asked, his voice rising in pitch. "You think I'm your husband?"
"I think maybe you should just humor her, Solo," Vader whispered. "We don't want her to snap and try and drown herself again."
Han glared at the Sith. He sincerely doubted Miss Leia ever had any intentions of actually drowning herself. "I think she's already snapped, so why do I have to humor her? Why am I the one having to do all this... bantha poo? 'Hike a mountain, Han!' 'Pitch the tents, Han!' 'Swim out and rescue Miss Leia, Han!' Now I have to pretend to be her husband? It's not fair!"
"You think it's unfair to you?" Mara snapped out. "What about me? She's wearing my dress!"
*Just take her back to the hut, Han. We'll figure out what's the matter later,* Chewie woofed quietly.
Throwing his script on the floor, Han jumped off the stage. "Come on, Miss Le - err... Mara."
Leia grabbed Solo's arm tightly. "I'm coming, my handsome prince."
As they headed to Leia's hut, Threepio called out worriedly, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
"She's ruining my play!" Mara said as she watched Leia and Han leave. "It's just so unfair. I think she's doing this deliberately."
"As soon as Leia remembers who she is, the play will be able to go on," Luke reassured Mara. "Let's just practice in the meantime."
"Good idea," Mrs. Vader said, climbing back on stage. "We have this lovely duet, dear. It's called... 'Fly Me to the Stars'."
"And you get to dance, too!" Luke said excitedly.
"This just keeps getting better and better," Vader said in despair as his wife started twirling around the stage and singing at the top of her lungs.
"FLY MEEEE TO THE ST...TARSSSS..."
"Oh Han!" Leia cried out as they entered the hut. "This is just so quaint! Did you book this room far in advance?"
"Book it?"
"Obviously, this is a vacation resort. We certainly wouldn't live here."
"Listen, Le - err... Mara. We need to get something straight. I'm not your husband."
"You are just so... silly! Of course you are." Leia threw her arms around Han's neck. "Let's make love. I'm feeling very frisky, dear."
"You're always feeling frisky," Han said as he tried to get her arms from around his neck.
Leia giggled, pulling him toward the cot. "What's wrong? Are you feeling neglected? I can fix that."
"I don't know why you think we're married... but I'm not sleeping with you."
"I don't want to sleep, either, silly!" Leia said with a laugh, as she started to unbutton his shirt.
"Stop it!" Han growled, buttoning it back up.
"You hate me!" Leia said suddenly breaking into tears. "I don't understand what I've done!"
"I don't hate you," Han quickly replied. "It's just that..."
"What?"
"Uh... I'm not feeling well. Yeah, that's it. I'm sick. So we shouldn't... uh..."
"Okay, I understand," Leia answered. "Can we just cuddle then?"
"Cuddle?"
Leia plopped down on the cot, patting the straw stuffed mattress. "Cuddle."
Sighing, Han sat down. "Fine, then. We'll cuddle. But that's all."
"Sounds good to me," Leia replied coyly.
Next Day
"She's the worst actress I've ever seen," Vader commented as he watched Leia prance around the stage. "And she sings like a drunken gungan." It was possible Leia was even worse than Padme, and that was saying quite a bit.
*Maybe lightning will strike us and we will all be put out of our misery,* Chewie commented as he looked up at the darkening sky, holding his paws over his ears. *My hearing is too sensitive to endure this torture.*
"Maybe it will just strike Miss Leia," Mara answered, frowning at the stage. "I can't direct her - she's too incompetent! She's ignoring everything I tell her. She's ruining my play."
Han rubbed his eyes. He'd barely slept at all throughout the night, and he had suspected Leia hadn't been sleeping, either, even though her eyes had been shut. He also knew the only reason Leia had 'behaved' was because Threepio had been staring through the window at them the entire night. "How do you understand Chewie?" Han asked with a huge yawn.
"My first agent was a Wookiee," Mara informed him. "I had to fire her after she tore the arms off of a Bith that gave me a bad review."
"Oh," Han said, not really caring about Mara's past agents. Leia understood Chewie, too, but that was only because she had studied many different languages in her all-girl school.
Rain started pelting down in large drops. "Miss Leia," Threepio called out. "Perhaps you should stop practicing now. Lightning and rain can be quite dangerous to my well being."
"My name is not Miss Leia! Quit calling me that. I need to rehearse - what's a few raindrops?" With that, she started kicking her leg up, attempting to practice a dance step. Her heel caught on the dress, and a loud ripping sound filtered from the stage.
"My dress!" Mara yelled. "She just tore my dress!"
"It's my dress!" Leia shouted back, flouncing off the stage in a huff and heading toward her hut.
"Mara, just calm down," Luke admonished. "I can fix your dress." He looked proudly at Mr. Vader. "I was the one that helped Leia make shorts and tops out of her dresses. Aunt Beru taught me how to sew, too."
"Of course she did," Vader said with a sigh.
Glaring, Mara shouted at the stage. "Mr. and Mrs. Vader - why don't you try your dance number?"
"I am going to Force-choke all these fools," Vader hissed under his breath.
"Now, dear... just do what we've been practicing," Padme told him, grabbing his hand and spinning around. Vader made a clumsy attempt to follow behind, slipping on the wet stage and crashing off the edge.
"Are you alright, dear?" Mrs. Vader asked, peering at her husband who was laying flat on his back, arms splayed and his cape flared out on the ground.
"My Lovely? Are we making Mara feel good yet?" Vader gasped.
"You people are ... total hacks!" Mara yelled, snatching all the scripts from their startled hands. "I'm not putting my professional reputation on the line with you amateurs!" She stalked over to the fire and tossed the scripts in, watching in satisfaction as they ignited and burned.
"Damn. I'm so disappointed," Han commented dryly.
Chewie walked by Leia's hut, uncertain what he was hearing. Was she sobbing? *Miss Leia?* he knocked on the wobbly door.
"Yes?"
*Are you okay?*
"Come in, Chewie," she answered.
He walked into her hut. She certainly looked okay, having removed the wig and was even wearing her own clothes. *Are you feeling better?*
"I've never felt better in my life!" she answered, laughing. "I just have a bump on my head when a kakannut hit me on top of my head. Good thing kakannuts are fairly soft. But when that happened, it gave me a great idea."
*I don't understand.*
"Has Mara given up on the play yet?"
*Yes.*
"Then my amnesia act worked," Leia said with a wink. "I guess I'm a better actress than what Mara thinks I am."
*You are a genius, Miss Leia.*
"I know."
One Month later...
"Hi, Han," Luke called out in his ever cheerful voice. "What are you and Chewie doing?"
"Trying to figure out how to pull the Falcon out to sea."
"Why would you want to do that?"
"If I can get it floating, then Chewie and me can flip it back upright. Then we'll pull it back to shore," Han explained.
"That sounds, uh ... kinda hard," Luke said, not actually saying 'dumb' or 'impossible', which was what he was thinking. "Are you sure it will work?"
"Of course I'm sure! Why does everyone keep questioning my plans?" Han replied, irritated.
Luke shrugged. "I don't know. Sorry."
"What do you want anyway, kid? It'd better not be another stupid idea like putting on a play."
"Nah," Luke shook his head. "The play was pretty bad. But Mara looked wonderful up on the stage."
Han shook his head, then stopped and looked over to the top of the mountains. "What's that?" he asked, pointing.
Luke followed his finger. "It looks like smoke."
"A forest fire?"
"I don't know... there's nothing on Tatooine to burn, so I've never seen a big fire."
Chewie came running out of the trees, heading toward the men. *HAN!*
"Now what?" Han asked, exasperated.
*Little creatures came down from the mountain and kidnapped Miss Leia and Mara!*
"What!?"
*I said - *
"I heard you the first time!"
*Then why did you ask me what I said?*
"Come on, kid," Han said as they took off toward the camp.
"They came out of nowhere!" Padme exclaimed. "Short, little furry guys with big eyes and ears and pointy sticks! Before I could even invite them to lunch, they grabbed the girls and ran off!"
"And they tied me up with vines!" Threepio cried out. "I just keep losing Mistress Leia, over and over!"
"Where were you when this happened?" Han asked Mr. Vader.
"I was...um..." Anakin trailed off, embarrassed.
"You were using the out-fresher, weren't you?" Luke crowed, pleased with his deductive reasoning. "I knew it took a long time to use the refresher with all that armor."
"How come you didn't know those creatures were here? Didn't you tell us there were no sentient beings on this planet?" Han questioned the Millionaire Sith.
"I have my doubts those creatures qualify as sentient and I do not have to stand here defending myself! Besides, where was your Wookiee?" Vader shot back at Han.
*I was in the forest gathering vines. Once I have enough, I can weave a large net and then I can hunt for real meat. Wookiees cannot live on pie and fish alone! I hate fish, and my fangs will rot and fall out from eating all that disgusting pie!*
"Luke's pies are not disgusting," Vader argued, wondering why he felt the need to defend Luke's pies.
"He thinks my pies are disgusting?" Luke asked, feeling hurt.
"You understand Chewie, too?" Han questioned Vader, astounded that they'd been here six weeks, and just now he found out that Vader understood Chewie.
"The Force."
"I'm sorry I asked."
"Excuse me," Padme said. "But we still have the problem of the missing girls."
"And there seems to be a big fire somewhere up on the mountaintop," Luke added.
*That is not a fire,* Chewie said. *I noticed that smoke when I was collecting vines.*
"What is it, then?" Han asked.
*A steaming volcano. It appears that it is about to blow its top.*
"A volcano!" Han exclaimed.
"A VOLCANO?" Luke yelled. "We need to get away from here! Fast!"
"We can't run away and leave the girls," Padme told them.
"Why not?" Han asked. "I think we should take a vote."
"I vote for leaving them behind," Vader intoned.
"Me, too," Han added. "How about you, pal?"
*I think they're kind of cute...*
"Chewie!"
"Anakin!" Padme admonished. "You will change your vote, immediately!"
"Yes, lovely. I vote we rescue the girls."
"I vote for a rescue, too," Luke said in agreement.
"Do I get a vote?" Threepio questioned.
"No," Han and Vader said at the same time.
*You lose, Han.*
"No kidding."
"What do you think they want with us?" Leia whispered over her shoulder. She was tied up against a tree, with Mara on the opposite side of the tree, also trussed up.
Mara looked over at all the little fuzzy creatures, wearing hides and shaking spears as they danced around a fire. "I was in a holo-show like this once," she said. "The natives kidnapped a beautiful woman to sacrifice her to their angry spirit god. Of course, I played the beautiful woman."
"If that's true, hopefully they'll find your red hair more attractive than my brown hair."
"You wish. I'm sure they'll be more interested in an unsullied Princess than a galaxy-wise actress."
"Unsullied? You mean..."
"Yes. Someone pure and untouched."
"Damn!" Leia groaned. "This is all Solo's fault."
"We cannot just all run off and leave Mrs. Vader alone," Vader argued. "Who knows what other dangers lurk about."
"Lurk about? No one talks like that. And besides, why don't you know? I thought you knew everything!" Han taunted.
"Do not mock me, Captain!" Vader growled.
"Do not mock me, Captain" Han repeated, lowering his voice and giving a decent impersonation of Mr. Vader.
Vader took a menacing step toward Solo.
"Anakin, dearest, please don't threaten people. It's not nice," Padme said gently.
"I didn't get to be a millionaire by being nice."
"I'll stay behind with Mrs. Vader," Threepio volunteered.
"That makes me feel so much better," Vader hissed sarcastically.
"I have an idea," Luke told the group. "Why can't Chewie stay here with Mrs. Vader and the droids?"
"What about the volcano?" Threepio asked worriedly.
*Yes. What about the volcano?* Chewie barked in agreement. *Let's not forget about the volcano.*
"Pack up some supplies and move down the beach, away from the volcano," Han suggested. "If you head south and stay near the water, we'll be able to find you after we rescue the girls."
Vader nodded. "That is actually a good idea, Solo. Quite amazing."
"Quite amazing!" Han repeated in the same mocking voice as he headed toward the forest.
Leia and Mara watched as the little hairy beings drank out of a gourd and whistled through long wooden tubes they held up to their lips. "Is that supposed to be music?" Mara asked. "It's worse than listening to your singing."
"Thanks," Leia snapped. "Actually, this is some type of religious ceremony. These beings are actually Ewoks."
"Ewoks? What in the galaxy are Ewoks?"
"Ewoks are now natives of Endor," Leia said, putting on her professor voice. "There are scholars that believe at one time Ewoks were the most advanced species in the galaxy."
"You're kidding."
"No, I'm not kidding. Ewoks were thought to be highly advanced, although the planet they lived on became uninhabitable due to their primary going nova. Once the Ewok scientists determined the destruction of their planet was imminent, they poured their entire wealth into creating spaceships."
"So that's how they got to Endor?"
"Yes. Unfortunately, the spaceships were not equipped with hyperdrives, so the voyage was incredibly long - generations lived on the ships, and most of them failed to reach any system that could support life. Scholars believe that one Ewok vessel actually crashed on Endor, killing most of the inhabitants of the spaceship. So that's why they lost their scientific knowledge. I would surmise that another ship must have crashed on this planet, and these are the descendants." Leia finished her speech and waited for a response. None was forthcoming. "Mara?"
"What? Oh... I fell asleep there for a little while."
"Very funny."
"Listening to your explanation was worse than listening to the music."
"I hope they choose you to sacrifice to their angry spirit gods."
