The three men hacked their way through the underbrush as they climbed the side of the volcano, following Mr. Vader. "We are approaching the village," Vader told the men.

"A village, huh? Sounds pretty sentient to me," Han said.

Vader whipped around, the lightsaber humming inches from Solo's chest. "You are trying my patience, Captain."

"Mr. Vader," Luke said, chewing his lip. "Please don't kill Han. I'll pass out if I see a dead body."

"Apologize to me, Captain."

"For what?" Han asked indignantly.

"Just apologize, Han," Luke whispered out of the side of his mouth. "Please? I can already feel the kakannut pie starting to come back up."

"Okay... I'm sorry you were wrong, and that there really are sentient beings on this system."

Suddenly, Han was thrown backwards, rolling down the steep hill they had just climbed. "Hey! What the hell..."

"Apologize," Mr. Vader hissed.

"You'd better apologize, Han," Luke yelled down the hill nervously.

Crashing down through the thorny underbrush, Solo finally grabbed a bush, stopping his tumble. Hauling himself back up the hill, he glared at the man in black. "How did you do that?"

"I think you know."

"Oh. The stupid Force."

Vader lifted his hand and Han felt another push, although not quite as strong. Quickly he grabbed hold of a sapling. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"For ..." Vader prompted.

"I don't know what for!" The Force push became harder and Han had a difficult time holding the tree. "Okay! Okay! I'm sorry for... uh... mocking you?"

"That is acceptable... barely," Vader said as he turned and continued up the hill. It was going to do his heart good to see the Corellian try and drag his ship out to sea and try and tip it upright. Even if Solo was successful, which Vader thought was highly unlikely, the Millionaire Sith had every intention of making sure something went wrong, anyway.


"Hurry! Hurry!" Threepio called out. "We don't need all that stuff."

"Threepio," Padme said with great patience. "Just because you don't wear clothes, doesn't mean the rest of us can do without."

*Speak for yourself,* Chewie muttered as he hauled the boxes onto a makeshift sled.

"What did he say?" Padme questioned the droid.

"He said we should hurry."

"Breepppbuuu."

"Now, what's his problem?" Padme asked, pointing at Artoo.

"Just ignore him. I do."

"BBBRREEBBOOOPP."

"Threepio!"

"Oh, he just wants to know why that guy over there is staring at us."

Slowly, Chewie and Padme turned to look where Artoo was indicating, and were startled to see a humanoid dressed in gray and green armor and a helmet with a 'T' shaped visor. He was holding a long pole with a net on the end.

"Who are you?" Padme said in surprise.

"My name is Sir Lord Robartto Fett, the greatest butterfly hunter that has ever lived. But you can call me Sir Lord Boba."

"Sir Lord Boba?" Mrs. Vader asked, surprised. "My name is Mrs. Padme Vader, and this is Chewbacca. The droids are Threepio and Artoo."

"You haven't seen any rare Razorhutt butterflies buzzing about, have you?"

"I don't think so..." Padme replied politely. "What do they look like? Don't butterflies flutter?"

"Not these butterflies! Ugly as a hutt, they are. And those wings! Deadly sharp, those bloody wings," Boba said. "Why do you think I'm wearing this armor?"

*How did this man get on this planet?* Chewie woofed. *Does he have a ship? Can he rescue us?*

"Those are very good questions, Chewbacca," Threepio said primly. "I shall endeavor to find this out. Sir Lord Boba..."

Boba started wandering off swinging his net and muttering something that sounded like, "here little butterfly... here little butterfly..."

"How rude!" Threepio exclaimed.

"Sir Lord Boba!" Padme called out.

He turned around. "Who are you?"

"Padme Vader."

"Oh, yes. Have you seen any rare Razorhutt butterflies around here?"

"Actually, I might have. Perhaps we can have some tea and discuss it."

"Tea? Tea sounds like a jolly good idea! Why didn't you say you had tea?"

"Mrs. Vader! We don't have time for tea! The volcano is about to explode!" Threepio cried out.

"Nonsense. There's always time for tea."


The Ewoks pushed and prodded the two women up a long series of wooden steps, leading them ever closer to the steaming top of the mountain. Eventually, they stopped near the edge of the pit, looking down at the bubbling red lava lake that reached to the far side of the peak. Long corded ropes were strung up, looped through wooden wheels and stretched all the way across the boiling caldron then back again, with a rickety wooden cage attached to the ropes. The cage was now sitting on the ground, near another group of excited Ewoks, the door wide open. The Ewoks stuck their spears at the women, forcing them toward the cage.

"It appears they think two sacrifices are better than one," Leia commented to Mara.

"I guess so," Mara grumbled. "I doubt the little idiots can tell who the pure one is."

"It's probably your overwhelming beauty," Leia said with a snort. "It outweighed everything else."

"I'm sure that's true," Mara nodded, looking down at her glittery blue gown and matching high heels. "I am rather awe inspiring."

The Ewoks pushed the girls into the cage, banged the door closed and tied it shut. Then a group of Ewoks got on one side and pushed until the cage tipped and started to fall. Soon it was swinging by the ropes, over the lava.

"Oh, goddesses!" Mara screamed. "We should have just blown up in the space storm! This lava pit is the... pits! It's hot! And it smells like rotten eggs!"

"Calm down," Leia said firmly.

"Calm? How can you be calm?"

"It's extremely unlikely the pain will last for more than a second once we hit the lava."

"Like you would know!" Eyes wide, Mara grasped onto the bars and watched as the little Ewoks tugged the ropes, moving the cage further and further away from the edge, until it hung in the center of the lava pit. Mara collapsed to her knees, looking skyward. "I'll be a good girl if you let me live... I promise!" she prayed aloud. "I'll do my fair share! I'll stop being so vain! I'll donate my credits to charity! I'll teach little girls how to properly put on lipstick, foundation and blush so they never, ever, wear their makeup like Mrs. Vader!"


As they climbed the steep, rocky mountain at a different angle from the wooden steps the Ewoks had built and climbed, Luke saw the problem first. "Look!" he pointed over to the wooden platform. Then he saw the cage. "The girls! We're too late!"

Vader took in the scene. A large group of short, primitive beings stood on the volcano's edge, watching the small cage swinging back and forth in the center of the pit. The beings were busy working with the ropes, and Vader surmised they were slowly lowering the cage toward the lava below. "It must be quite warm inside that cage by now," he remarked thoughtfully.

"We have to do something!" Luke yelled, looking at Han.

"Like what? Do you see how many of those creatures are over there? It looks like about two hundred of 'em. Even if we all had blasters, which we don't... all they'll do once we try something is cut the ropes, and wham! Down it plunges. The spoiled brats become instant boiled brats."

"We just can't sit here and watch them die!" Luke protested. "I'll try rescuing them myself, then!"

"Do or do not, there is no try," Vader told Luke.

"What the hell does that mean?" Han snapped.

Ignoring Solo, Vader told Luke, "You must do exactly as I tell you. Now listen carefully..."


Boba Fett, the butterfly hunter, opened a book and passed it over to Mrs. Vader. "There. That is the elusive Razorhutt butterfly."

Padme looked at the page. The butterfly's sharp wings were gray and mottled with a greenish cast, the body of the insect was a disgusting gray worm with a huge, drooling mouth with long fangs, sharp talons at the end of stubby legs and red glowing eyes. "Why would you want to catch this butterfly? It's truly... revolting."

"Because no one ever has," Fett told her in a whisper, whipping his head around as though the butterfly might be eavesdropping. "I will be the first. If I survive the encounter, that is."

"Why would you not survive?"

"The Razorhutt is a carnivore...it eats flesh. Also, its fangs are deadly poisonous."

"A poisonous butterfly that eats flesh?" Threepio said nervously. "The poison wouldn't, by any chance, corrode metal - would it?"

*Ask him if he has a ship,* Chewie told Threepio.

"Yes! Do you have a ship, Sir Lord Boba?" Threepio asked.

"How would I have arrived if I didn't have a ship?" Fett asked, puzzled.

"Is it large enough to take us with you?" Padme questioned.

"Once I find my butterfly, I will take you with me," Fett answered. "If there's room, of course."

"Is your ship small?"

"No. It's quite large. However, since the butterfly is over eight feet long, not counting the cage, space may be a problem." Fett stood up. "Now I must continue my hunt. Thank you kindly for the tea, Mrs. Vader."

"You're welcome," she answered, slightly puzzled. The man had not taken off his helmet to take even one sip of the tea, although he had poured it into a container attached to his belt. "Perhaps we can come with you, since we are planning on moving camp to the south, anyway."

*No!* Chewie argued quickly. *I absolutely do not wish to find a poisonous, eight foot long, carnivorous butterfly with razor sharp wings!*

"Me, either," Threepio concurred. "Perhaps Sir Lord Boba should head due north."

"I will welcome your company, madam," Fett said with a bow. He wandered down to the beach, heading south. "Here little butterfly..."

*This is another bad idea,* Chewie moaned as he watched Mrs. Vader follow the man.


"Are you ready?" Luke whispered to Han as he nervously held the weapon Mr. Vader had instructed him to use.

"This isn't going to work," Han whispered back.

"Why didn't you say so?"

"I did."

Luke frowned at the older man. "Then stay here... I'll handle it."

"Not likely. Besides, do you even know how to use that light stick?"

"It's called a lightsaber, and it doesn't look too hard to turn on." Luke looked down at the silver tube. "I hope I don't drop it in the lava... Mr. Vader will kill me."

Sighing, Han moved into a crouch. "Let's go get this over with. You first, kid."

Igniting Mr. Vader's red lightsaber, Luke ran out from behind the boulders screaming at the top of his lungs and slashing the saber over his head. Han followed, firing his blaster over the heads of the small beings that were standing near the ropes, being careful not to actually hit anything, especially the ropes. The small, furry creatures jumped in surprise and started running away from the insane humans - at least until the one with the biggest headdress shouted and jumped up and down at his comrades. Reluctantly, the short creatures turned around and headed back, throwing their spears in Han and Luke's direction.


"What do they think they're doing?" Mara asked Leia as she tried to hang onto the roof of the cage, glancing to the edge of the pit and seeing Luke and Solo running and screaming toward the Ewoks. "They look like they got into some spice."

"It seems they are attempting some type of a rescue, although it does looks pretty poorly planned." Leia looked up at Mara. "You do realize that the top of the cage is only five feet from the bottom of the cage, and you'll only survive a fraction of a second longer when we hit the lava."

"I'll take any fraction I can get," she replied as her blue high heel fell off and clattered down through the bars. "Dang it! Now I dropped my designer pump into the lava!"


The Wookiee trudged after the strange hunter and Mrs. Vader, pulling the large sled. Behind the sled Threepio and Artoo followed, looking around worriedly for any giant butterfly that might appear.

"What makes you think the butterfly is on this system?" Padme asked Boba.

"You never know where those rare butterflies are hiding," was his cryptic reply.

"Do you know where this system is located? We were caught in a space storm and lost all navigational equipment before we crash landed."

"It's in the Unknown Regions."

Padme frowned at the man. "I already know that! I was thinking you might provide us with a bit more detail."

"Details!" Fett yelled loudly, shaking his fist at the sky. "Death is in the details!"

"I do wish Sir Lord Boba would quit talking about death and poisonous creatures," Threepio told Artoo. "It's quite distressing."

"Vreereeppeee."

"I can't help it if sand is getting in your wheels!"

"Brooopp."

*Be quiet, before I throw you both in the ocean!* Chewie roared over his shoulder at the droids.

"Our minds are like oceans...a big, endless ocean... full of salt and seaweed," Fett told Padme, who was nodding very sincerely at him. He stopped walking and stared at her. "Who are you, anyway?"

"Padme. Padme Vader."

"Have you seen any Razorhutt butterflies buzzing around?"

"Yes, Sir Lord Boba, I do believe I have," she replied, looking up in the sky at the biggest, ugliest, butterfly she'd ever seen.

"Duck!" yelled Threepio.

Everyone hit the sand and covered their heads, except for Sir Lord Boba and Artoo.

"That's no duck!" Boba shouted. "My beauty! Come to me, my beauty!" Fett ran off, following the butterfly into the forest as it swooped toward the mountains.

Chewie raised his head, spitting sand out of his mouth as he watched the hunter run off. *Good riddance... that's all I've got to say about that!*

"I really think we should follow him," Padme said as she watched him run away. "He might need our help, the poor man."

"Follow him?" Threepio repeated. "Me?"

"Well, maybe not you, Threepio. You'd probably only slow us down. Chewie and I will go after Sir Lord Boba. You can wait here."

"Thank the Maker!"

*I know I certainly am,* Chewie muttered sarcastically.


Han flicked his blaster to the stun setting as the furry beings moved closer and closer. "The odds that one of those spears are gonna hit us are getting pretty high, Luke!"

"Whatever you do, don't let the creatures cut the rope!" Luke yelled back.

Just then, one of the Ewoks hacked the rope holding the cage, sending the box tumbling toward the bubbling lava.

"AHHHH!" Mara and Leia both screamed as the cage plummeted down.


"Mara! Noooo!" Luke yelled as he watched in shock. The cage only dropped a few feet. Suddenly an invisible power gripped the box, lifting it up and away from the lava. "Wha...?"

"Now how in the seven hells is that happening?" Han asked, rather surprised himself, looking up to see if a ship had the cage in a tractor beam.

"It must be Mr. Vader, using his Force power!"

If that were the case, Han had to admit he was impressed. They watched as the cage gracefully floated closer and closer. The furry creatures stopped throwing spears and also watched, wide-eyed and fearful. The leader started chattering loudly and the Ewoks turned and ran down the mountain, quickly disappearing into the forest below. The cage had almost reached safety when a large gray creature swooped down out of the sky, grasping the cage in its claws and lifting the box up and away over the treetops.

"Mara! Nooooo!" Luke yelled as he watched in shock.


The girls stared back at the rapidly retreating volcano, and looked down, noting they were very high in the air.

"W...what... just happened?" Mara stuttered out, looking up at the huge winged beast that now had them in its clutches.

"Actually, I have no idea," Leia admitted. "Technically, we should be dead."

"What's that thing?" Mara asked, pointing at the drooling butterfly and trying to avoid the slobber as it dripped into the cage. "Geez, talk about needing a breath mint... it stinks worse than the lava pit!"

"It's either a butterfly, or some species of moth. I'd have to get closer to tell."

"I have a feeling we're both going to get a lot closer."


"Mara!" Luke sank to his knees. "I loved you! Why did this have to happen? Why you, of all people? We could have gotten married and had thirteen kids. Why? WHY? WHY!?"

"Thirteen?" Han asked. "Why thirteen?"

"A baker's dozen," Luke answered in a tone that implied Han was incredibly dense, then looked back at the disappearing cage. "MARA! WHY?"

"SHUT UP!" Vader thundered out as he approached the two men. "You are embarrassing me!"

"Embarrassing you?" Luke asked, looking at the Sith and sniffing.

"Stand up and pull yourself together! No son of mine is going to start blubbering!" Vader reached down his gloved hand to Luke.

"Son? What are you talking about?"

"YOU ARE MY SON! What part of SON don't you understand?"

Luke stood up. "But your last name is Vader, and mine is Skywalker. This is just so confusing."

"My last name is Skywalker," Vader hissed out, trying to be patient. "I use Vader to avoid any... business entanglements when I travel."

"Is Mrs. Vader my mummy?"

"Yes."

"So why did I grow up on Tatooine?" Luke asked, getting mad. "I could have grown up rich and spoiled. Everyone wants to grow up rich and spoiled."

"When you and your sister were born -"

"SISTER? I have a sister, too? I suppose you kept her! That's so unfair!"

"We did not keep her!"

"What happened to her?" Luke asked.

"Do we really have time for all this?" Han interrupted.

"Solo is again right, as much as I hate to admit it. We will discuss this later."

Glaring at the Sith, Luke said, "Oh... we'll be discussing this alright.. pops!" Then he headed off in the direction of the butterfly.

Vader looked down at the lava pit. "I hope we have time to find the girls before this thing erupts."

"Do you think this will help?" Han asked, pulling a thermal detonator out of his pocket.

"Where did you get that?"

"I had a few onboard the Falcon," Han said with a grin. "It was kinda hard to find them with the ship upside down, but I figured they might come in handy some day."

Nodding, Vader took the detonator, set the timer, and using the Force threw it into the middle of the lava pit. Vader and Han hit the ground as the bomb exploded. A huge BURP echoed from the volcano, and the lava slowly began swirling like a giant flushed toilet, disappearing into the mountain.

"You have earned yourself a reprieve, Solo," Vader said as he stood up and headed after Luke.


The Wookiee and Padme hurried to keep up with the frantic pace of Sir Lord Boba as he chased the butterfly toward the mountain. It was rather difficult, especially since Padme kept tripping on her long gowns.

*We are heading toward the volcano,* Chewie groused. *Han told us to move away from the volcano!*

"What are you saying, dear? I'm afraid I can't understand you."

"Here little butterfly! Here butterfly!" Fett called out, allowing them to locate the hunter through the thick woods.

"Chewbacca," Padme explained as she took his paw and pulled him toward the man's voice. "Try to understand... Sir Lord Boba may be our way off this planet. We can't lose him!"

*I would like to lose all of you. Permanently.*

"I still can't understand you, Chewbacca."

*That's probably a good thing.*


The butterfly headed south and dragged the cage into a large cave, depositing it in a corner. Then the butterfly hopped over to the opposite wall, tenderly cooing at a pile of squirming larva. Each gray caterpillar was about four feet long and almost as wide, with red eyes and big drooling mouths, although they lacked wings and legs.

"Now what?" Mara asked worriedly.

"I'd have to guess the butterfly intends to feed us to her babies."

Mara slid down the side of the cage and sat. "Swell. Do you have any plans to escape?"

"Give me your hair clip," Leia said, pointing to a glittering bauble in the redhead's hair.

Quickly Mara removed it, handed it to Leia, and watched as she worked at the leather ties of the cage.

"Hurry," Mara whispered. "But try not to bend the clip."

Leia just glared at the actress and kept working. Finally the leather knot loosened and Leia pulled the strap away from the door. "Now we just have to sneak out before the butterfly sees us."

The butterfly turned around, its red eyes glowing in the dim cave, hissing as it bared its fangs.


"Quick!" Luke prodded the two tired men. "It went in that cave!"

"Are you sure we should go in there?" Han asked. "We're probably too late."

"Of course we should! Shouldn't we, daddy?"

"Do not call me 'daddy'," Vader groused out, then addressed Solo. "Unfortunately, the girls are still alive. And if you ask me how I know one more time, I will have to kill you."

Biting his tongue, Han followed Luke up yet another steep incline, this time to a cave. They had almost reached the entrance when loud thuds came from inside the cave, followed by a huge screech. A few seconds later, the large gray butterfly buzzed past, its eyes wide and fearful. Drawing his blaster, Han took a quick aim and shot the ugly thing - it crashed loudly into the foliage below. Then Han and Vader hurried after Luke into the cave.


Leia and Mara stood side by side, holding a large rock in each hand. "There was no way in the galaxy some dumb butterfly was going to feed us to worms," Mara growled out.

Leia dropped the rocks and ran over to Han, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him. "My hero! You just never get tired of rescuing me, do you?"

"You look like you had things pretty much under control," Han commented as he watched Vader take his lightsaber and start cutting the larva in half. Smelly green ooze seeped out as the caterpillars wiggled and died.

"Here comes the pie!" Luke yelled, running out of the cave.


Sir Lord Boba watched in shock as the Razorhutt butterfly crashed into the ground at his feet, giving a quick shudder before it died. "MY BABY!" Fett screamed. "Someone shot my baby!"

*Since that's a blaster shot, I'd say the odds are pretty good Han did it. Good for Han,* Chewie woofed happily.

"What did you say?" Padme asked the Wookiee, then turned away since a repeat wouldn't matter. "I'm so terribly sorry, Sir Lord Boba." She looked at the ugly butterfly and repressed the urge to gag.

Fett was on his knees, tenderly holding the spongy gray head of the butterfly. "I was so close! I would have been famous! I would have been rich!"

"Well... I truly am sorry. But the good news is, it appears the volcano has stopped steaming, so we won't die in a huge lava blast after all."

Sir Lord Boba wasn't listening - he was too busy sobbing over the dead butterfly.


As they made their way down the hill, Vader suddenly held up his hand. "What is that noise? It sounds like more blubbering."

"My foot hurts!" Mara moaned. "I can't walk wearing just one shoe. It makes me all uneven."

"I'll carry you," Luke quickly volunteered.

"You'd do that? For me?" Mara asked with a small smile. "You are just so sweet, Luke."

"No problem," Luke said with a grin. He clumsily picked her up and began staggering down the hillside.

"Will you carry me, too?" Leia asked Han.

Han frowned suspiciously at Leia. "What's wrong with you?"

"I think I must have sprained my ankle," she said, hobbling a few steps to show how badly her ankle hurt.

"It looks fine to me," Han argued, looking down at her feet.

"Did anyone hear me?" Vader asked loudly. "I said... it sounds like someone is nearby, and they are crying. It could be Padme!"

The gang followed the speedy Sith until they came to a small clearing. Padme and Chewie stood to one side, watching a strange armored man holding the dead butterfly and crying hysterically.

"Lovely! My lovely! Are you alright?" Vader called out.

"Yes, dear. I see you rescued the girls," Padme said, nodding in approval. Then she walked over to Fett. "Sir Lord Boba? Could you please get up now? I'd like you to meet my husband."

Fett stood up, and bowed deeply. "I'm glad to meet you... whoever you are."

"Anakin Vader. Padme's husband."

"Who is Padme?" Fett asked.

"I'm Padme," Padme said. "And this is Miss Leia, and Captain Han Solo. And over there is Mara Jade and Luke Skywalker."

Luke quickly put Mara down. "Mummy!" he cried out, running into Padme's arms. "I've missed you!"

"Mummy?" Padme looked pointedly over Luke's shoulder at Anakin.

Vader sighed. "I told him, lovely. He seems to have readily accepted us."

"You told him?" Padme asked, stunned, as she patted Luke on the back. "Why would you do that?"

"He was about to cry! I couldn't allow that... it's bad enough he bakes and sews!"

Luke spun around, facing Vader. "You're just jealous that you can't bake!"

"I am not!"

"You are too! Take it back!"

"I will not - "

"Anakin!" Padme yelled. "Apologize to our son. His pies are wonderful, and it's sweet he can sew. He'll make some lady a wonderful husband...someday."

"I'm sorry, Luke."

Luke grinned triumphantly and looked over at Mara. "Did you hear my ma? She says I'll make you a wonderful husband."

"I heard her," Mara said, then looked at Padme and pointed at Fett. "What's this freak's name?"

"This is Sir Lord Boba Fett, the galaxy's greatest butterfly hunter."

"Hey!" Han said, frowning. "There's another sentient being on this planet! I think the Force is a bunch of poodoo."

"Someone needs to bury my butterfly!" Fett cried out. "She deserves a decent burial!"

"Solo, you and the Wookiee can bury the butterfly, since you're the one that killed it," Vader said. "Come Padme, let's return to camp."

"Come Sir Lord Boba, they will take care of it," Padme said gently, pulling his arm.

Luke picked Mara back up and followed behind the Vaders and Fett.

Leia looked at Han. "Come to my cabin tonight, and I'll give you a big reward," she whispered before heading down the hill before the others got too far away.

Han looked at Chewie. "How are we gonna bury this thing? We don't have shovels with us."

*Fry it with your blaster. No one will ever be the wiser.*


The next morning...

The group sat around the table eating their fish soup breakfast. "Someone should wake up Sir Lord Boba so he can eat, too," Padme suggested.

"I'll go wake him," Threepio answered and hurried off to where Fett had pitched his tent.

Threepio hurried back to the table, waving a flimsy. "Oh dear! I do believe Sir Lord Boba has left us! There was only this note where the tent had been!"

"Let me read that," Luke said, grabbing the flimsy away from the droid, and reading it aloud.

"Dear Humans, and etc.

My butterfly hunt is over, since you killed my only hope

for fame and fortune. I hope you stay marooned forever on

this planet.

Best Regards,

Sir Lord Robartto Fett, Galaxy's Greatest Butterfly Hunter.

PS. Thank you for the tea."

"Maybe if we hurry, we could still catch up with him," Mara said, standing up. "I'll convince him how sorry we are."

The castaways looked up as a ship that resembled an old shoe passed overhead, then turned and headed to space.

"I'd say it's too late," Han remarked.

"This is all your fault, Solo!" Mara yelled as she stomped away.

"My fault?"

*Well, you did kill the butterfly,* Chewie woofed out of the side of his mouth.


Two months later...

Padme and Vader stood watching as Luke, Han and Chewie latched large log rafts to either side of the Falcon, and using cut down trees as rollers, pushed the ship toward the ocean. Leia and Mara were further away, yelling out encouragement or insults - Padme was too far away to tell which. "Dear?"

"Yes?"

"Why don't you just use the Force to flip the ship upright? This just doesn't appear that Solo's plan is going to work."

"And spoil my fun watching this disaster? Surely you jest."

"Anakin! That's just plain mean," Padme admonished her husband. "If the ship sinks, we'll never get off this planet."

"Solo doesn't have the parts to fix it anyway, so I don't see what it matters. Besides, it's best we stay here for, oh, five years I'd say."

"Five years!? Why would you want to stay marooned for five years?" Mrs. Vader questioned Mr. Vader.

"That's when the statute of limitations runs out," he admitted reluctantly.

"What did you do?"

"I ... well... I sort of have an arrest warrant out for me for insider trading," Vader said slowly. "But if they don't serve me for five years, I'm free and clear. And your name might have been on some of those deals, lovely."

"WHAT? But... but what about our wealth? Won't the authorities confiscate all our credits and houses and jewelry..."

"I've hidden the vast majority of our credits, and our artwork. Why do you think that heavy suitcase is so important to me? It's not credits it holds, but the codes to all my hidden bank accounts throughout the galaxy. As far as those baubles you wear, those are only copies, my lovely - the real items have been hidden away for years. Houses are easily replaced. So you see, it's in our best interests to hide out here for a bit, don't you agree?"

Padme sighed. "I suppose."

"Besides, staying here will keep Luke away from becoming a pastry chef. So it takes care of two problems at the same time," he pointed out.

"Luke would make a good pastry chef," Padme argued, looking over at Leia and Mara. "Five years. I don't know if we can keep these young people away from each other that long."

"Why would we want to do that? Mara is growing on me and if Luke hooks up with her, he'd never have time to bake," Vader said thoughtfully. "Managing a big star's career sounds like a much better job to me, anyway."

"What about Miss Leia? Pretty soon, she's going to wear down Captain Solo. I really don't want to become this planet's only midwife."

Vader laughed. "Solo... tied for life to a bossy, know-it-all, Princess? It couldn't happen to a better man."

"Anakin, you are so bad."

"That's why you love me, lovely."


"Okay!" Han yelled over to Chewie and Luke. "We're almost at the water! Only a few more feet, and it'll start floating."

*Tell me again how you think this will work,* Chewie woofed.

"Once she's in deep enough water, we unlatch one of the rafts," Han said. "Then we pull the ropes that we've tied to the top of the ship until she comes up on the other side. Then, quick like, we strap the raft back on, and pull her back to shore. Easy!"

"Easy?" Luke questioned, shaking his head. "It sounds hard to me!"

"Nah... everything is lighter when it's under water. It'll work - just you wait and see!"

"I'll be waiting," Luke muttered under his breath.


"What's that?" Mara asked as they watched the Falcon float out to sea.

"What?" Leia asked.

"That big, dark band right across the horizon of the ocean?"

Leia shaded her eyes and looked carefully. "That appears to be a very large storm. Perhaps even a hurricane."

"A hurricane? I saw one of those on the holo-news once. Everyone's hair was flying every which way, and it looked very messy! Hurricanes are not good for appearances."

"No - not good. I'll go tell the boys, and you go inform Mr. and Mrs. Vader."


"That can't be!" Han yelled over to Miss Leia as he stood waist deep in water. "I don't have time to deal with a krethin' storm!"

*I doubt the storm cares,* Chewie commented, looking down unhappily at his wet fur. *I hate water.*

"Well... we'll just have to hurry, then," Han said, tugging at the ropes and climbing onto one of the rafts. "Get up to the other side and start paddling out to sea."

Luke and Chewie climbed up on the raft and started paddling, pulling the Falcon slowly out. "That storm looks pretty nasty, Han. I think maybe we should just wait and do this later."

"No way," Han argued. "The ship is already floating, and I'm not leaving her out here during a storm. Besides, that thing is a long ways off."

Luke just shook his head and kept paddling. "If I drown, this will be all your fault, Han. And don't forget, my maw and paw will be really ticked if you get me killed."

"You won't drown!" Han shouted over to Luke. "Haven't you been paying attention to your swimming lessons?"

"I try. But Mara wearing a bikini is distracting."

*You're telling me,* Chewie barked in agreement.


"Just pack up the clothes and breakable items, Threepio," Mrs. Vader instructed. "The huts are replaceable."

"And make sure you take my money chest," Vader hissed out. "We'll head up to that cave where the butterfly lived and wait out the storm."

"What about the boys?" Leia asked, looking out past the trees and the wide strip of sand, to the tiny object floating out in the water.

"I will wait for them," Vader instructed. "You ladies will take the droids and head up with our things to the cave."

"Sounds good to me," Mara said, nodding. "I just hope those worms have dried up by now."

"I'm not designed as a porter droid!" Threepio whined as the women piled more cases onto his back. "My servos can't take this type of load - I'll pop a circuit!"

"Quit complaining," Mara snapped as she strapped another suitcase on his back.


Vader headed down the beach and watched as the two men and the Wookiee frantically unstrapped the left raft and moved away as the Falcon sank down, held now by only the raft on the right. The waves were getting higher and the sky growing darker. Amused, the millionaire folded his arms across his chest and watched. After a great deal of pulling, the ship finally emerged, right side up, and they hurriedly strapped the second raft back to the side of the ship, climbed back onboard, and started paddling back to shore. The waves actually helped move them toward shore much faster than they had paddled out, and soon they were approaching the beach. He's actually done it, Vader thought in amazement. The Falcon was right side up, and they were close to beating the storm.

Without any interference from the Sith, a very large wave swelled, swamping the ship and the two men and Chewie. The vines snapped, setting the rafts free. The Falcon went nose up for a brief moment before disappearing beneath the surf. The frustrated curses of a Corellian could be heard, even over the wind and the waves.

Vader shook his head. Reaching out with the Force, he pulled the floundering men and Wookiee to safety.

"My ship!" Han sobbed as Chewie pulled him ashore. Turning to the water, he dropped to his knees. "My ship!"

"Great Force," Vader groused. "Now someone else is blubbering."


The storm raged on throughout the night and most of the next day. Finally in the late afternoon it let up and the ragged group staggered out of the cave and down the hill to where their camp had been.

"It's all gone," Padme said sadly. "Now we'll have to start all over building huts."

"We will?" Han snapped out. "I don't recall anyone building huts but me an' Chewie an' Luke. Everyone else just sat around on their backsides and gave us orders."

"You will not talk to my wife in that tone, Solo!" Vader growled out threateningly.

"I want my own hut this time," Leia told the men. "Mara has too many clothes, and they take up too much space."

"My clothes take up too much space? What about all your stupid science projects?" Mara shot back.

"Look at the bright side, Han," Luke said cheerfully. "Now that we have experience, we'll make them a lot better this time. And faster, too!"

"If you don't stop being so cheerful all the time, I'm gonna have Chewie bury you up to your neck in sand!" Han yelled out, stomping off down toward the beach. He had only gone a few steps when he noticed a large object laying in the sand. "The Falcon!" Han shouted, running toward his ship as the rest hurried behind him.

It soon became apparent the ship had washed back up onto the beach during the storm - upside down. Han dropped back to his knees and stared in disbelief.

*At least it's not underwater anymore,* Chewie pointed out helpfully.


One month later...

"Those," Han yelled, pointing up to Chewie, who had climbed high up in a kakannut tree. "Cut those. They're nice and big."

Chewie hacked at the large leaves, and they tumbled to the ground where Luke and Han gathered them up for use as thatching on the roofs of their huts.

"I think these new huts will weather storms much better than the old ones," Luke said, bending over and picking up the leaves. "I told you we'd build them better the second time around."

"Yeah, yeah...you told me," Han said. "Luke?"

"Yes?"

"Who is that walking down the hill, coming toward us?"

Luke turned and looked at the springy man with broad shoulders and brown hair. He was being followed closely by a shiny round ball about the size of a man's head, hovering about five feet in the air. "I haven't got a clue."

"How many other people are on this system that your father isn't telling us about?"

"Maybe he just got here," Luke said, defending Vader.

"Let's go ask," Han suggested. "Hey! You there!"

The man gave a startled leap in the air, his eyes wide with surprise. Seeing Han and Luke, he suddenly took off, running away as fast as he could. The orb turned and followed behind him. It was only after he tripped and fell that Solo and Skywalker finally caught the man, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him to his feet.

"Why the heck are you running away from us?" Han gasped out.

"Y..you're not suppose to be here!" the man stuttered.

"We sure would like not to be here," Luke told him. "We've been stranded for almost five months on this planet. How long have you been here? What's your name?"

"My name is Wes Janson," the man answered reluctantly. "I've only been here a week."

Luke pointed at the floating orb, which had also stopped. It was bobbing up and down - it looked like a giant silver eyeball. "What's that thing?"

"That thing is an AR-VRD 2000 - an audio and visual recording droid. Arvred is holo-recording my every move."

"It's recording you? Why?"

"What about a ship? Do you have a ship?" Han interrupted, not caring about the droid. "Can you get us off this krethin' system?"

"No... I don't exactly have a ship."

"Then how did you get here?"

"I was dropped off."

Han and Luke exchanged puzzled looks. "Dropped off?" Han asked. "By who? Why?"

Wes mumbled something under his breath neither Luke nor Han understood. "What?" Luke asked.

"I said... I was dropped off on this planet to compete in a contest."

"A contest? What type of contest?" Luke prodded.

"If I stay alone on a deserted system for six weeks, I win a prize in a contest called 'Survive in the Unknown Regions'. That's why the droid is following me. But you're not supposed to be here! No one is suppose to be here. I can't win if there are other people here... it's against the rules. Calrissian, the show's producer, will be furious with me. I had to sign a contract saying I wouldn't accept any outside help!"

"What kind of prize?" Han questioned.

Janson looked away, frowning as he tried to decide what to say. "Credits. A million credits." He looked back at them, angry. "You're ruining my chance to win!"

"It's a big planet," Han said with a shrug. "Just go somewhere else and win your prize. But when they come pick you up, you have to take us back with you."

"I can't do that! Don't you see? When they look at the recording and find out I'm not alone, I'll forfeit my million!"

"My old man is a millionaire," Luke said with a grin. "He'll give you your million anyway. Maybe even two or three extra, just for rescuing us!"

"You think?" Wes said, getting a glint in his eyes. "That would be great! I don't care where I get my credits from - as long as I get them."

"Are you sure offering Vader's stash is a good idea, kid? The guy doesn't seem like the generous sort."

"It's my money too! I'm his son, and what's his is mine."

"If you say so," Han said dubiously.


Later...

"This is just terrible, my lovely," Vader whispered to his wife as they watched Mara and Leia competing for Wes's attention.

"I agree!" Padme said with a nod. "I thought Mara was starting to like Luke, and look how she's flirting with that boy!"

"She's only flirting because he's her ticket off this planet," Vader said sullenly. "Lovely, we have to do something."

"I agree!" Padme repeated firmly. "Luke is so much better looking than Wes."

"I'm not talking about Mara," Vader said. "We must find a way to get rid of Janson without letting him disclose we are on this system. I'm not about to go to prison."

"Prison!?" Padme said, shocked. "I couldn't bear prison... I hear those celebrity types are very hard to get along with."

"Don't you worry. I'll think of something."


"I wish we'd never brought Wes back with us," Luke grumbled as the two men watched Janson tell jokes and flex his muscles for the girls. "I hate him."

Han grinned over at Luke. It would have done his heart good to see the kid in a mood other than perpetually cheerful, except for one small detail - it was bothering him to see Leia flirting with Wes, too. But Han was not about to admit that to anyone. "Aw, kid... you're just jealous. If you want to impress Mara, I'll let you in on a little secret about women."

"What?" Luke asked eagerly.

"You have to challenge Janson to a duel," Han said as he leaned toward Luke and lowered his voice to a whisper. "When you show Mara what a big, strong man you are, she'll forget all about Janson. But whatever you do, make her think it was your idea."

"You think so?"

"Would I lie to you?"


"Hello," Threepio said primly to the floating droid. "My name is C-3PO, and this is R2-D2. What is your designation?"

The orb spun to face the two droids, blinking its photoreceptor once before humming away without a reply.

"How rude!" Threepio declared. "He could have told us his name!"

"Reeroowp."

"Well, I don't care if he doesn't have speech capabilities! I don't like him one bit. He looks too nosy."

"Veerreeoopp."

"I am well aware of the fact he doesn't have a nose, either!" Threepio said, bending toward Artoo. He pounded the little droid on his dome. "You're rude, too!"


One week later...

Luke stood up at the dinner table, holding up his cup. "To Mara Jade," he began his toast. "The most beautiful woman in all the galaxy!"

"Here, here!" Wes said, standing up and tipping his cup to Mara.

"What am I?" Leia snapped. "Chopped bantha burger?"

*I think you're cute as a little snow bumshee,* Chewie said to Leia with a toothy grin.

"What's a snow bumshee?" Leia questioned suspiciously.

"I hereby declare that Mara Jade is my woman," Luke continued, ignoring Leia and Chewie's remarks. "And I challenge you, Wes Janson, to a duel!"

Wes looked at Luke in surprise. "A what?!"

Padme nudged Anakin, concern showing in her brown eyes. "Anakin...our son is being foolish. Do something."

"What would you suggest I do?" Vader asked tiredly. "Force choke some sense into his head? I think it's far too late for that, lovely. The suns of Tatooine have fried his brains beyond repair."

Mara stood up as well. "What in the seven hells of Corellia are you talking about, Skywalker? I am NOT your woman!"

"Once I win the fight for your hand, you will be," Luke said with a smile, glancing over at Han who was nodding his encouragement.

"I'm not fighting you!" Wes declared.

"Ha! I win! Stay away from Mara."

"I'm not afraid of you, farmboy. What kind of duel are you talking about?"

"A pie eating contest!" Luke said as inspiration struck. Han groaned and thudded his forehead onto the table.

"Pie eating?" Wes questioned.

"Yes! Kakannut cream pies! I will bake twenty of them, and whoever eats their ten the fastest, wins!"

"Not a problem! I can eat pies faster than you any day of the week!"


Threepio looked over at Artoo and Arvred. The two little droids were busy communicating with each other by coded light flashes. The golden droid was becoming worried. Artoo had always been his best friend, and now along comes this interloper. He'd have to do something - and fast - if he wanted to save his friendship with Artoo.


Evening...

Luke knocked quietly at the door of Leia's hut. Now that they'd rebuilt the houses, each person had their own hut, except of course for Mr. and Mrs. Vader. Threepio answered the door. "Yes?"

"Could I speak to Leia?"

"Alone? I do not think that is appropriate, seeing as you are an unattached male and she is an unattached female."

"Let him in, Threepio," Leia called out. "You don't have to worry about Luke - he's only interested in Maaarrra."

Reluctantly, the droid stepped aside, allowing Luke to enter. Leia sat at a small table, mixing various plants and powders as she worked away. "What are you doing?" Luke asked.

"Running science experiments," she answered without looking up. "There are so many wonderful plants on this system - you wouldn't believe all the things I've already come up with."

"That's sort of what I want to talk to you about," Luke whispered. "I need something from you."

Leia looked up. "What do you need?"

"Does Threepio have to stay?" Luke said, inclining his head to the droid.

"Threepio, go find Artoo or something," Leia ordered the droid.

"I know when I'm not welcome," the droid muttered as he left the hut.

"Now what do you need?"

"Can you concoct something for me?"

"Like what?"

"Oh... you know, some, uh, laxative type stuff."

Leia's eyes got wide with understanding. "Luke! That's terrible!"

"Can you do it?"

"Of course. But if I scratch your back, you'll have to scratch mine," she said with a wicked smile.


Threepio tapped Chewie politely on the shoulder. "Chewbacca, sir? May I ask for your assistance?"

*What do you want?* Chewie growled out.

"I would like you to help me do something... well, actually get rid of something, if you would be so kind as to agree to help me."

*What do you want to get rid of?*

"Arvred, to be exact."


Later...

"Chewie?" Luke asked, looking around to make certain no one was near. "Can I ask you for a favor?"

Chewie nodded, not bothering to say anything since Luke wouldn't understand anyway. It seemed he was very popular today.

"I need your help with finding a few small plants..."


That night...

Arvred was floating quietly, waiting for Wes to wake up. When the large net fell over him, the poor little droid never had a chance.


The next morning...

*Now what do you want me to do with it?* Chewie asked, holding the net with the little recording droid. Threepio followed the Wookiee and Luke into the forest.

"Could we bury him in a hole somewhere?" Threepio suggested. "And put a large rock over it?"

"Threepio," Luke said with a laugh. "I can't believe you're jealous."

"I am not jealous! This little eyeball is a sneak, that's all," Threepio insisted.

*Perhaps I should just dismantle it.*

"And commit droidicide?" Threepio asked, shocked. "I should think not! I just want him imprisoned - for spying on humans and stealing best friends."

*What plants are we looking for?* Chewie woofed at Luke.

Threepio interpreted for Luke as he unfolded a flimsy with two drawings. "This plant... is for...err...helping blockages."

"Are you having problems, Master Luke?" Threepio asked in concern.

"You might say that. And this other plant is something Leia needs."

*For what?*

Luke hesitated after listening to Threepio translate. "She says it has a chemical in it that makes men... uh... eager."

Chewie threw his head back and howled with laughter.


Afternoon...the next day.

Ten pies were lined up on each side of the table, and Luke was already sitting on his side of the table, holding his fork and waiting for his opponent. Wes Janson came out of the hut he'd been sharing with Luke, a large bib tied around his neck. "Has anyone seen Arvred?"

"Arvred?" Threepio looked around nervously. "No. No one has seen Arvred. Have we? No... I'd have to say that no one has seen Arvrid around lately. Have you seen Arvred, Artoo?"

Artoo gave a negative beep. "No... Artoo hasn't seen him, either," Threepio added unnecessarily.

Wes sat down opposite Luke. "That's odd. He never leaves my side. I hope he didn't get lost or something."

"Are we here to discuss your droid, or to duel?" Luke asked shortly, glancing at Leia. She smiled sweetly at him and winked.

"This is just so stupid," Mara moaned. "A pie eating contest? What makes you think I'll be attracted to a man just because he can eat pies fast?"

"Perhaps they will both choke on the pies, and you won't have to worry about it," Vader told her.

"Anakin!" Padme said, shocked. "That's our son!"

"Don't remind me."

"Okay!" Han announced loudly. "On the count of three, you will start eating. The entire pie has to be eaten, and the bowl licked clean before you can move on to the next pie. And leaving the table and upchucking is not allowed. The first man to finish, wins the hand of the fair lady. Ready? One. Two. THREE!"

Wes and Luke began shoveling in huge mouthfuls of pie. It ran down their chins and fell back onto the plate as they scooped and swallowed. Leia, Han and Chewie yelled loud encouragement to Luke.

"This is gross," Mara said, wrinkling up her nose.

The contest went fork for fork until the very last pie. Then Luke starting slowing down - after all, nine pies was a lot of pies. Wes shoveled in the last mouthful, licking his plate clean and holding it up in triumph while Luke was still downing the last three bites. "Ha! I win!" Janson shouted, jumping up and running around the table with his fists in the air. "I win! I win! I...ughh!" Wes clutched his abdomen, his face changing from joy to pain. "Uggghh! My guts! My guts!" he yelled as he rushed to the out-fresher.

"Men are so disgusting," Mara commented as she walked away.

"Mara! Wait up!" Luke yelled as he followed her, looking back over his shoulder and adding, "Han, this is all your fault!"

*I believe she really likes Luke much better now,* Chewie woofed sarcastically.

"I've seen quite enough," Vader hissed out, taking Padme's arm. "Come, my lovely."

As the Vaders headed off to their hut, Leia sidled up to Han. "You look thirsty," she purred quietly. "Have some special punch I made, just for you."

"Sure," Han said as he distractedly took the cup. "I'd better go check on Luke."

Leia frowned as she watched Han head off, still holding the cup. Chewie walked up next to Leia. *That concoction won't hurt Han, will it?*

"Don't worry," Leia said with a smile. "It will just help me win his affections."

*You should give some to Mara, so Luke could win her 'affections'.*

Miss Leia laughed. "It only works on males."

*Too bad for Luke.*


"Mara hates me, Han," Luke said dejectedly as he slumped on the ground and leaned up against a tree. "I've made things worse."

"Nah. You just got to give her time. She'll come around - trust me." Han handed Luke the cup. "Here, have something to wash down all that pie."

Luke took the cup and gulped down the juice. "That's good. Thanks, Han. I needed that."

"Anytime, kid. Anytime."


Late that night...

"Ohhhhh...my GUTS!" Wes moaned loudly from the out-fresher, where he'd been for seven hours. "I THINK I'M DYING!"

"Hurry up, Janson," Han shouted back. "Some other people might need to use the refresher tonight, ya know!"

"MARA!" Luke screamed from outside the actress's hut. "I LOVE YOU! I NEED YOU! I WANT YOU!"

"Go AWAY, Skywalker! I swear I'm going to KILL you!" Mara was heard yelling back at the young man dancing around outside her hut, a wild look plastered on his face.

Leia could be heard sobbing from her own hut, crying out, "What's wrong with me? Do I look like a Hutt? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH SOLO?"

Threepio hurried past the Vaders' window, following the astromech droid. "Artoo! I'm telling you... I have no clue where Arvred hovered off to! It's not my fault..."

Padme rolled over on her side and looked at Anakin, who was laying on his back without his mask, staring at the ceiling. "How long is this racket going to go on?"

"I have no idea," Anakin said with a sigh. "Luke seems to have lost his mind."

"Do you think he ate too many kakannut pies?"

"I think the boy is a kakannut, if you ask me."


The next morning...

"Miss Leia!" Threepio called out, waving a flimsy as the group sat tiredly around the breakfast table, having gotten very little sleep the night before. "Mr. Janson is gone! And he left a note, too!"

"Another note?" Padme asked.

"Give me that," Leia said, snatching the note from the droid.

"You people are crazy! You tried to poison me

with that lousy pie! I hope you rot on this planet!

Ten million credits wouldn't be enough to take

you back with me!

Wes J.

PS. And you killed my droid, too, didn't you?"

"We're not real popular with the visitors on this system, are we?" Han asked.

"My pie is not lousy," Luke protested with a yawn.


The shuttle landed on the surface, and Wes Janson ran out of the trees, waving his arms frantically. "Quick! Open up the hatch!"

The hatch lowered and he rushed inside, his face bright red. Lando Calrissian, holo-entertainment producer, came around the corner. "What's the matter? You've only been here a little over two weeks... you were supposed to be here six weeks! You do realize, by using your emergency transmitter to have us pick you up, you've forfeited your million."

Wes thrust the small transmitter he'd kept hidden from the castaways into Calrissian's hands. "I don't care! They killed my droid! They tried killing me - with PIE!"

"Pie?" Lando questioned, starting to wonder about Janson's mental state. So much for those pre-game contestant psychology tests. "Who are 'they'?" Lando had heard stories about people imagining other people when they were left totally alone... but after only two weeks?

"Crazy people! We have to leave! Hurry! Hurry!" Janson shouted, as he ran further inside the shuttle. "Shut the hatch, before it's too late!"

Calrissian closed the hatch and followed behind Janson. "It's too late for that, Janson," Lando muttered under his breath. "Your hull has already been breached."


Three months later...

"You can't do this!" the tall blond man protested loudly. "I'm royalty! You are going to be sorry when I'm in charge of things!"

The guards were not impressed, grabbing the handsome man by the arms and tossing him unceremoniously onto the beach. The hatch slammed shut and the engines fired up, forcing the furious man to back away and watch helplessly as the Hapan transport lifted off and gracefully flew away.


The group sat around the table eating fish stew for dinner. Suddenly, Chewie stood up and threw his bowl as far as he could, watching in satisfaction as the contents splattered on the ground. *I hate fish! I hate roots! I hate kakannuts!*

Han sighed. "Sit down, Chewie. You do this once a week, and we're getting tired of it."

"I'm tired of all of you," Mara groused. "Eight lousy months! If we don't get rescued pretty soon, I'm not going to have a career left! Do you know how fast the public forgets its stars?"

"I have no idea," Han replied. "But I wish I could forget you. I'm getting tired of hearing you whine all the time."

"Don't talk to Mara like that!" Luke said, standing up and glaring at Han. "You don't even like girls!"

"I like women just fine, kid! But you're right - all we have are whiney girls stranded with us."

"I'm not whiney, and I'm a woman, Solo!" Leia shouted across the table. "I think Luke's right... you don't even like women!"

"Please, children!" Padme said firmly. "It doesn't do any good to argue. I know we're all a bit tired of each other, but we're all we have, so we must learn to get along!"

"I am not a child!" Mara yelled at Padme.

"Do not yell at my wife!" Vader roared, standing up as well. "You people are not children... you are babies!"

A tall man with flowing, long blond locks staggered into the camp. "Help me..." he gasped as he collapsed to his knees, holding his hands out in a pleading gesture. "Help me...water... please..."

"Dear me," Padme said, hurrying over to the man. "Where did you come from?"

"Are you an angel?" he asked, looking up at Mrs. Vader.

"No...my name is Padme Vader, and this is my husband, Anakin," she said as Vader stalked over to the kneeling man. "The others are Captain Solo, Miss Leia and her two droids, Chewbacca, Luke and Mara."

"Who are you?" Vader hissed at the finely dressed man. Where do all these annoying people come from, anyway?

"My name is Prince Isolder, of Hapes," he gulped out.

"A prince?" Leia asked, looking down at the man. He was quite handsome, and if Han wouldn't cooperate, maybe this man would. "You're a real prince?"

"So you're rich?" Mara questioned.

"Great," Luke muttered. "More competition."

"Yes, I'm a real prince. Unfortunately, I've been banished by my mumsie, the Queen."

"Oh," Mara said, rolling her eyes. "Another loser. Just my luck."

"How long have you been here, dear?" Padme asked gently as she handed him a cup of water.

"Three hours! Three hellish hours!" He gulped the water down quickly. "I thought I was going to die of heat prostration," Isolder moaned.

"An entire three hours?" Vader snarled sarcastically, pulling Isolder to his feet. "Get a hold of yourself, man. It's not even hot today!"

"Now, dear," Padme said. "I'm sure Isolder is unaccustomed to such hardships." She looked over at the Prince. "Forgive my husband. We've all been a bit on edge, lately."

Prince Isolder looked over the camp site. "It's not much, but I suppose it will do..."

"Do for what?" Luke asked.

"As my new kingdom, of course. I'm royalty - therefore, I hereby declare myself the king of this ... place. And since I'm royalty, you are hereby my servants."

"I'm not serving anyone, goldie locks," Mara huffed. "I'm Mara Jade, the famous actress! People fawn over me, pal, not the other way around."

"I don't care who you are," Han grumbled in agreement. "There is no way you're bossing me around."

"Me, either," Vader agreed.

"Oh...no..." Isolder gasped out, putting his hand on his forehead. "I think... I think I'm passing out." He fell into a careful heap on the ground.

"Prince...err... King?" Padme called out in concern. She looked at the others, putting her hands on her hips. "There you go!"

"What do you mean, lovely?"

"The poor man needs to be in charge, that's all! The least we could do is humor him... he was a prince not that long ago, after all."

"Who cares?" Han said with a shrug.

*Not me," Chewie woofed out.

Padme stomped her foot down on the ground. "He's our guest! And as such, we will treat him like he wants to be treated."

"You're kidding, right?" Mara asked. "I'm not pretending to be his servant!"

"Mara, dear, you are an actress. So just act like a servant."

"You will all do as my wife wants!" Vader roared. "Or face my lightsaber!"

Isolder groaned and opened one eye. He rolled over and sat up, looking woozy. "So. Are we all in agreement, then? I'm the King of this planet?" he asked with a pleased grin.

"Sure," Luke said. "You can be king."

"What's the name of this forsaken little piece of... heaven?" the new King asked.

"We haven't given it a name," Leia answered.

"Fine," Isolder said, getting up and dusting off his pants. "As my official first act, I hereby declare this planet to be called, 'Isolder.'"

"What a surprise," Han said.

"Also, I will need a throne. Build one immediately," he ordered as he headed off in the direction of the Vaders' hut.

"Where do you think you are going?" Vader asked, reaching out with the Force and tripping Isolder.

The new King looked around for the object that tripped him, then got up, pointing at the Vaders' hut. "That hut is the largest. I will have to make do - temporarily. At least until you build me a bigger one - a much bigger one, of course. You can start with ten rooms, and then add on as I need them."

"It's just temporary, dear," Padme said, patting her hand on Anakin's arm.


That night...

A tapping sound woke Luke up. "Yes?"

"Luke? It's Mara. Can I come in?"

I think I've died and gone to heaven..."Y..yes?"

Mara quickly entered the hut, shutting the door behind her. "Luke, we've got to get rid of that Prince."

"But momma says - "

"Your mother is too darn nice! Isolder has got to go." She lowered her voice. "He's already ordered me to come to his room for the night! And I've had to give up my cabin and share again with Leia, so Mr. and Mrs. Vader could have a place to sleep. It's just too much, I'm telling you!"

"He ... he ordered you to his room?"

"Yes!"

Luke jumped out of bed. "I'm going to defend your honor!" He looked down, blushing as he realized he was only wearing his shorts.

Mara gave a smile that did not reach her eyes. "I have a better idea..." She leaned over and whispered in his ear.

Luke pulled back, shocked. "You're going to do what?"

"He won't even know what hit him," Mara grinned. She sat down on Luke's cot, patting the mattress invitingly. "Now, come here, farmboy. I'd much rather share a room with you than with Miss Leia, any day."

If this was a dream, Luke hoped he never woke up.


*Han, we must find a way to make Isolder leave,* Chewie woofed. *I do not like him.*

"Me either, pal," Han agreed. "Did you see the way Leia was looking at him?"

*Leia?* Chewie snickered.

"What's so funny?"

*You like her. Quit denying it.*

"Fine, I like her - does that make you happy?" Han looked out the window, frowning. "She sure deserves better than that jerky prince."

Chewie woofed in laughter. *I have an idea...*


"Anakin?"

"Yes, lovely?"

"Do you like Prince Isolder?"

"He's a pompous idiot." Anakin looked over at Padme, who was rubbing cream all over her face. "Why are you humoring him?"

Padme turned and smiled at her husband. "Did you see the expression on Han's face when Isolder showed up? Pure jealousy. And Mara is finally getting a chance to see what a sweet boy Luke is, when you compare him to the 'Isolders' of the galaxy."

"You are very conniving, lovely. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you, dear. Coming from you, that's quite a compliment."


The next morning...

"You did not show up last night, Mara Jade," King Isolder admonished, looking down from his wooden throne.

"Sorry," she said, smiling sweetly up at him. "I spent the night with Luke, instead."

"Luke!" Padme said, eyes wide. "Is that true?"

"Yes," Luke mumbled, looking embarrassed and proud.

"Congratulations, son!" Vader roared out, slapping him on the back so hard he nearly fell over. "I knew you had it in you!" Vader glanced over at his wife and noted she looked very smug.

"He certainly does," Mara said, laughing and taking his arm possessively. "Luke's my man now."

Isolder just looked annoyed. He turned his attention to Leia, who was glaring at Mara and Luke. "Then tonight, Miss Leia will come to my hut!" he proclaimed.

Leia stepped forward, and a big smile appeared on her face. "My full name is Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan and I, for one, will be thrilled to go to your hut!" Leia smirked at Han, who was silently fuming at her.

"Princess Leia Organa?" Isolder asked, surprised. "Mother contacted your father, Prince Organa, and tried to arrange a marriage between the two of us a short while back. Except we found out you'd disappeared... and then Prince Bail told us about that other thing, you know... so we had to call the whole thing off."

"Other thing?" Leia asked sharply. "What other thing?"

"I'm a real prince," Isolder said, puffing out his chest. "And as such, I can only marry a real princess. You don't qualify. But you can be my concubine instead, so that should be enough to make you happy."

"What are you talking about? I'm a real princess!" she protested, getting mad at this fool prince.

"No you're not. You're adopted. Your father said so."

"ADOPTED?" Leia yelled. "I'm not adopted! You're a big, fat liar!"

"I am not fat! This is all muscle!"

"Ha!" Mara said, pointing at Leia. "You're not royalty after all... I'm not a bit surprised!"

"Well... you're a lousy actress!" Leia yelled at Mara.

"I'm not a lousy actress! Tell her, Luke," Mara turned and looked at Luke.

"Mara's the best actress in the galaxy," he supplied quickly, much to Mara's delight.

"He's lying!" Leia repeated, looking at Padme.

"I'm sure Luke feels that Mara is an excellent actress," Padme said firmly. "As well as feeling many other things by now."

"I don't mean Luke!" Leia shouted back. "I'm talking about Prince Solderhead from Hades!"

"Hey!" Isolder said, miffed. "I think you're insulting me!" He looked over at a flustered Threepio. "That was an insult, right?"

Artoo had rolled up, quietly listening to the argument. Finally, Artoo gave a long series of beeps and twitters, rocking back and forth on his little feet.

"Miss Leia?" Threepio said tentatively. "May I say something?"

"What do you want?" she snapped at the droid.

"Artoo, apparently, is confirming what Prince Isolder just said... you are indeed adopted."

"Why didn't he say something before?" Leia asked.

Artoo beeped a bit more. "He says he was sworn to secrecy...don't blame me, Miss Leia!" Threepio said, annoyed. "I don't have any idea why your father would trust Artoo more than he'd trust me!"

"I guess we have something in common, Leia," Luke said cheerfully. "My folks gave me up, too. Except now they've found me again, so we're one big happy family. Pa Skywalker, Ma Skywalker, and little old me, Luke-boy Skywalker, with his new intended, Mara Jade, the Famous and Beautiful Actress." Luke gave Mara a big hug, which she returned as she stuck her tongue out at Leia.

Artoo started hooting loudly, nearly tipping himself over in his excitement.

"Now what's wrong with that little short circuit?" Leia groused, looking at the droid.

"Miss Leia?" Threepio said softly, leaning forward. "Artoo says your real last name, before you were adopted, was Skywalker, too."

Leia fainted.

"Now look what you've done, Artoo!" Threepio said, hitting the little droid on top of his dome.


Han was elected to carry Leia back to her hut, while the others just stood around in shock.

"Anakin," Padme said to her husband. "Just think! Miss Leia is our daughter! We ended up stranded with both of our children! Isn't that amazing?"

"Does this mean I have to share my inheritance?" Luke complained. "I don't think that's right... she already has lots of money, seeing how she grew up a rich Princess, and I had to grow up a poor dirt farmer on Tatooine! Mara and I deserve lots of money, don't we, sweetums?"

"Yes, Lukie." Mara giggled and kissed his cheek. "Lots and lots."

"It's probably the will of the Force we ended up missing our cruise, lovely," Vader said thoughtfully. "Look how much good has come from it."

"You are so right," Padme said, nodding. "This truly was a fateful trip."

"I want some attention here!" Isolder shouted over all the talking. "I'm the King!" Isolder said, flipping his hair back over his shoulders as he looked in a mirror. "And a very good looking King, I might add. I need a crown." He patted the top of his head. "Someone needs to make me a crown! You can use that gold droid for the metal."

"I think I'd better go chaperone Miss Leia," Threepio said, backing away fearfully. "It isn't good she's alone with Captain Solo." He turned and shuffled quickly away.

"What's that?" Isolder said, frowning as a strange object floated out of the deep woods, heading in his direction. It was covered with moss and dirt, and made an odd humming noise as it bobbed unsteadily.

*It's the EYEBALL OF DOOM!* Chewie roared. *Run everyone! RUN!*

"Eyeball of Doom?" Vader asked, turning to look at the round object.

"I've never heard of the Eyeball of Doom," Padme said.

"Well, someone better kill it!" Isolder shouted.

*It can't be killed! It's pure EVIL!* Chewie yelled, throwing his arms up and running around in circles. *Everyone needs to run away from here, forever! Head in different directions, so we confuse it!*

"Why is that Wookiee running around in circles?" Isolder questioned. "Does he have rabies? I'm allergic to rabies."

"Maybe he has fleas," Padme suggested.

"Then just keep him away from me. I'm allergic to fleas, too," Isolder said.

Vader held up his fingers and shot Force-lightning at the object, which immediately sizzled and crashed to the ground, silent and still.

"VREEEPPPOOP!" Artoo hurried over to the orb. "Reeroorerr!"

Luke ran over and looked down. "That's not an Eyeball of Doom. That's Arvred. Although he is pretty doomed now, I'd say."

Artoo started making little beeping noises, which sounded suspiciously like crying, while Luke patted him on his 'head'.

*I guess Force-lightning can kill the Eyeball of Doom,* Chewie grumbled under his breath, disappointed that his big plan failed.

Mara smiled at Chewie. "Don't worry - I have an idea, too." She stepped forward, drawing out a lightsaber with a designer jewel-encrusted hilt from her beaded handbag, and turning on the bright pink blade. "Isolder, I have news for you. I work part-time neutering the rivals of Palpatine."

"You do?" Padme asked in surprise. "Goodness me, what else are we going to find out today?"

"Hey, it pays good," she said with a shrug. "Do you know that actresses are washed up and forgotten by the time they hit thirty-five? It's so sexist - men actors aren't considered washed-up until they hit sixty!"

"I'll never think you're washed up, Mara," Luke said sincerely.

"I know, Luke," Mara replied, then continued explaining. "So, besides being Mara Jade, Famous Actress, I'm also Mara Jade, Emperor's Hand. That's my official Imperial job title, in case you're wondering - just don't ask me what 'Hand' means - it's sort of ambiguous, like the title Human Resource Director. All I know is Palpatine hates it when men flirt with his wives, so my job is to permanently outsource certain parts of their anatomy."

"That talent might come in very handy right about now," Vader said.

"Hey! I'll bet that's what it means," Luke said with a grin. "You're very handy!"

"Yes, I am," Mara said, slowly stalking toward Isolder.

"Are you threatening me? I'm royalty!" Isolder said, getting nervous. "I hereby declare threatening and insulting the King a crime. Someone needs to arrest that woman!"

Vader drew his own lightsaber out of his belt and turned it on as he walked toward the pretty man. "I strongly suggest, King Isolder, that you abscond your throne and move yourself to the opposite side of this planet."

The second lightsaber convinced him. The Prince jumped off his throne and ran - very, very fast - as Vader, Luke, Mara and Chewie chased him across the beach. Isolder splashed into the surf and swam out to sea. They watched until the Prince was nothing more than a small speck in the ocean.

*And don't come back!* Chewie yelled loudly, as they turned and walked back to the camp.


"Han?" Leia asked as her eyes fluttered open. "You're here."

Solo looked down at the Princess, laying in her cot. "Of course. I'm sorry you're not a real princess, honey."

"Honey? That's so... sweet. You've never called me 'honey' before." She held her arms out to him. "Comfort me?"

Han gave Leia his lopsided smile, leaned over and was just about to kiss her when Threepio came crashing into the hut.

"Oh, no you don't!" Threepio said firmly, shaking his forefinger at the Princess. "This definitely qualifies as a 'good time', and as your Chaperone Droid, I forbid this type of activity!"

Han stood up, putting his arm around the droid's shoulders while ignoring Leia's look of despair. "You're right, Threepio. This is something we humans consider a 'good time'. So I guess I'd better leave, right?"

"That would be considered polite," Threepio replied.

"Dammit, Threepio, I've never been called 'polite' in my entire life. You had to go and insult me, didn't you?"

"Insult you? But Captain Solo, being called polite is not considered an ins -"

Han flicked the 'off switch' at the back of Threepio's neck, and the golden droid's eyes went dark. Han leered at Leia. "I guess you're gonna lose more than just your tiara today, sweetheart."

Everyone could hear Leia shouting, "THANK THE FORCE! FINALLY!"


Evening...

"It appears both of our children have found their soul mates," Padme said as she watched the full moon rise up over the horizon of the ocean. "This planet is very nice. I think five years will go by very fast."

"I told you it was the will of the Force that we were stranded here," Vader said, nodding and putting his arm around his wife. "Pretty soon, Luke will forget all about becoming a pastry chef. And that Corellian may be just what Leia needs to settle her hormones down."

"I feel very lucky, Anakin."

"Padme?"

"Yes?"

"Can I get lucky tonight, too?"

"Absolutely."


Chewie watched as Padme and Vader disappeared into their hut. Luke and Mara had spent the day in Luke's hut, and Han still had not emerged from Leia's hut. *This is not fair!* he yelled, shaking his fist at the evening sky. *There aren't enough women to go around!*

He sat down in the sand near the upside down Falcon and threw a handful of sand at the water. Artoo rolled up next to the Wookiee, cooing gently in consolation. *Do you think maybe the next arrival will be a female Wookiee?* Chewie woofed sadly to the little droid, as he watched a shooting star in the clear night sky.

AND THAT IS THE TALE OF OUR CASTAWAYS...

THEY'RE HERE FOR A LONG, LONG TIME...

THEY'LL HAVE TO MAKE THE BEST OF THINGS...

IT'S AN UPHILL CLIMB!

THE END?!