First and foremost this is the original story before I started to rewrite it... and got stuck in the writing of the rewrite. If you are following the rewrite you will notice quite glaring differences between this and the one you have already started following. I do not intend on giving up with the rewritten version, however, I think you guys waiting for me to get over my blank slate of a muse isn't going to happen any time soon. So I am re-posting the original. This was my first completed story and it is very different from how my last stories flow.
Secondly, this is not beta'ed. NOT AT ALL. There will be mistakes in spelling (I'm Australian and some words we spell differently). The layout will honestly have you wondering what the hell I was thinking. I wasn't; well that's not true. What I was thinking was that I knew what I was doing and screw anyone else... yes I was a conceited little shit even at the age of 31.
Thirdly, there are 68 chapters to this story, including the epilogue and two outtakes. All of which have been uploaded to my profile I will try to upload as often as I can. Please understand that I have a busy life in the real world. This includes two children, one grown and the other with disabilities. So while I should be able to update wherever I am, if something happens please understand that I will miss updating.
Last but not lease. I am not SM. Not even close. I do not own the franchise, work in any capacity with the publishing houses or studios. I merely escaped from reality to play with some characters that I fell in love with while reading four books in a matter of days.
"Edward told me he loved Me." her quiet statement to me should be sending off fireworks and all that other fluffy stuff that I knew she believed in. But she looked scared and a little fearful.
"That's a good thing right. I mean you care for him don't you?" dear god, please tell me that she does have strong feelings for him.
After what I did to him I don't think it would be right for his next girl to do the same thing. It would kill him and me for that matter. Edward was and is a great guy; otherwise, I know I wouldn't have dated him for so long. I watched as her eyes grew to the size of golf balls as she nodded her head like one of those bobble dolls that old people put on their dashboards.
"Of course but it's complicated. I mean I even wrote to an advice columnist and while she helped a little I still worry about things and going through what I did before." And then the oh hell moment happened.
You know when you realize that something that's staring you in the face for a while and it's only after it's stated you realize it was there. Yep, that's what I was going on right now. As I've only been working at the paper for 7 months I can still pretty much remember each letter and response I've posted in the paper. Add that to the issue that had Brea's heartbreak with the baby and you have the oh hell moment I'm facing right now.
"Alice; did you sign it lost and confused?" I asked waiting for the whole thing to fall into place.
"How did you know? I haven't told anyone that it was me, but you get it straight away. Bella how did you know... oh shit, oh bugger. It's you, isn't it? Your Bella from the paper." I watched as Alice rambled on about having me know it was her.
I seriously wanted to cover her mouth so she'd be able to get her breath. She looked close to hyperventilating or something. Not a good sign from my personal experience. And as she's the only one with medical training in the house it wouldn't help much. But instead, I let her get it all out of her system; hoping that she'd get it out without passing out.
I knew Edward was on call at the hospital tonight but still, somehow I don't think she'd want him to see her like this. It took her another 10 minutes to calm down from her little episode before she was able to talk normally again.
"Alice breath. You know I can't help you with the medical aspect of a panic attack. Yes, it's me from the paper but I won't tell anyone. Now, what's the problem?" I asked once more hoping that this time I get further than it's complicated. I watched once more as she internalized everything, now that there is not something that I want to see.
"Alice, don't think about it. Talk about it. Its why I asked you to come and why Rose and Char made sure that no-one else would be here tonight. Rose has got Jasper covering Emmett's shift at the gym to make sure no one interrupts us." She really needs to calm down and it's gonna take a while.
I've got a mind to get her some alcohol but I know that she won't touch it while she's still on roster this week.
"Where do I start though? It's a lot to cover and well it will take a while. You sure you want to hear all this?" she cringes at even the thought of talking about it.
"How about what happened between you and your ex. You said you caught him with someone. Start from there and work your way to when Edward told you how he feels." Her eyes glass over with tears as she nods her head. It seems that whatever happened has done a real number on her.
"Right. Well, I and Scott were together since high school you know how it goes. But even though most of the college we were still going strong. And when he asked me to marry him once we'd completed our first year I was over the moon. Seriously I'd even started to plan the wedding that night. I was willing to give up my dreams of becoming a doctor if he asked. I was lost within him and the little bubble we'd created over the years. But during the final year of college for him and just before I started looking around for residency, things started to change. I didn't want to see them so I just ignored them. Something that I wish I didn't look back at it all." She started with so much passion but by the time she ended this little bit of her past you could see the hurt in her eyes; even now after all this time it still hurt her to remember it.
I reached over and grabbed her hand because as much as I wanted to I know she'd kick my ass if I tried too much more than that. At least she smiled when she realized that I wasn't going to call her nuts for not seeing the signs during the relationship.
"Anyway; I should have seen the signs. We didn't go out much as a couple, him with his friends and me with mine; not keeping up with our date nights we had agreed on; not talking when things were bothering us. Then the simple things like we didn't even hold hands when we were out in public. It was crazy at the time. With everything that was going on, I thought it was normal. So when I got the news that I'd gotten residency here in Texas so we could start the next part of our lives I ran straight to his place.
"Letting myself in with the key he'd given me. I was meant to move in during the semester but we never really got around to that in the end. That there should have been a huge neon sign saying things weren't right between us. So I let myself in and heard the shower running. Well, you can guess what was going on in my head. I didn't even think to check the bedroom or anywhere else in the apartment."
Again she cringed with more force than I've ever seen another human being to do so. I'd have to say it rivaled my pain when I first told my father that I was pregnant.
"Now for the hard part. What happened? You need to be specific and I know it's gonna hurt like hell, but it'll help I promise." I watched as these few words broke the restraint that she had against the tears falling down her face. And I know that I had tears falling down my face.
"Bella your crying. I should stop." She cried; I knew it was a tactic for her to not go further, hell I even faced this when I first broke it off with Edward before everything happened, sorta.
"Don't think about it. Hormonal pregnant woman remember. I cry at the sight of puppies playing in the park." I told her; again it's true, poor Peter didn't know what to do yesterday when we went for a walk to get out of the house.
"If you're sure. I don't want to cause any problems you're meant to be resting until we know the results of all the tests and that. Tanya will kill me if I put you under any more stress." She continued to backpedal but it wasn't going to get her far. I went to college for this stuff, studied it for 4 years. It wasn't going to be that easy for her to get me to cave. I nodded my head to get her to continue.
Sighing she continued, "Well I walked straight into the bathroom, thinking I'd join him. You know something we always used to do on the weekends when things weren't so stressed. He didn't even hear me come in, neither of them did. But what I saw wasn't the worst part, it was what he said. I sort of skimmed in the letter I sent you.
"I was so ashamed of everything that happened that I left something's out. I said that I had caught them and that we tried to work things out. But what I left out was that she had a ring on her finger. My ring on her finger. It wasn't the sex of just quick fuck"-she covered her mouth in shock at her own words and forwardness.
I thought it was some of the most honest emotions that she had shown so far in her story. It showed me she was letting her defenses down and willing to get past this-
"It was making love. He was gentle, and he worshiped her every curve and inch of her body. Something he used to do to me but had stopped over the course of the year. I felt worse than the pain I felt like I had died right then and there. But I couldn't move. Scott was telling her that he loved her, that he needed to be with her and only her for the rest of his life. But when he said that he couldn't wait to marry her I couldn't stop the noise that left my mouth.
"It was only then that they realized that I was there. His face said it all. He was truly sorry for the pain he was causing me, but his eyes held so much love for the woman in his arms that I knew that it would never be the same and would never be fixed. I ran back to my own apartment and hid. Not answering the door, phone, or anything for anyone. I felt beyond betrayed. It took 2 weeks and the threat of losing my residency to get me to face the world. But that meant to face him too." She was openly sobbing, gently rocking as she shoulders rose and fell with each forced breath.
"He called my mother, explaining what had happened and took all the abuse and threats that both my parents and brother could throw at him without fighting any of it. He knew he did wrong by not ending it before it got any further. When she turned up on my doorstep with the building maintenance manager I knew it was going to be a long and very painful few days. My mother was hurt to see me like that, but she held it together, even playing mediator between me and Scott so we could at least talk civilly to one another. In the end, he told me that he still loved me, but wasn't in love with me.
"That it had been a while since he felt that strong connection between us, and that Elizabeth was able to make him not only feel again, but he knew that in her arms is where he belonged. It hurt so bad then Bella, and it still does. I was left thinking that I wasn't worthy of love and that type of happiness. That I would always be the one who got hurt." I watched as a smile crept onto her face, and knew that this was when it was going to get better for her, that this was when Edward stepped into her life.
I also knew that I was going to have to explain everything that had happened when we split up and after I had met Jasper that night. She needed to know that Edward wasn't the same man either. That he too had been hurt, and that it was me.
"Then I met Edward. He was in pain too, but he didn't want to go into detail because it was still fresh. When we started at the hospital together we kept each other company during lunch and helped one another keep their sanity during the long shifts. Slowly he opened up to me first as friends; then it grew. I knew then what Scott meant by feeling loved and knowing that I belonged with someone. But I was scared of being hurt again, I've kept so much of myself guarded against him, my feelings, what I want out of this relationship, what I'm scared about this relationship.
"So when he told me that he loved me I freaked. I froze on the spot, not knowing what to do. While he said he was fine that I didn't say it back to him I saw in his eyes that it hurt. And by the time I was ready to tell him the moment had passed and I felt like I would lose him, or he'd think I only said it because he had already told me his feelings. Bella; I screwed up royally. I know this but it's eating me alive. I don't want to lose him. I love him Bella; I truly do love him."
It was those few words that I needed to hear.
That she needed to realize and come to terms with, not only for herself but for him too.
It would be no good for either of them if she tried to take things further between them if her feelings for him weren't as strong or as acknowledged as his. No-one would survive that pain. I couldn't help but smile when she told me that she truly loved Edward.
"Did you hear what you just said?" I asked only to get a look of are-you-crazy from her. I don't think she knew what I meant.
"Alice after everything you have gone through with you and Scott. What was the last thing you said just then? About you, not about what Scott said, not about your fears and what Edward said to you. What was the last thing you just said?" I asked once more.
We sat there, as she was lost in her thoughts I watched her. Knowing that she would realize what she needed to realize my smile stayed plastered on my face. I watched as her words and feelings met with one another. Her face seemed to go through so many changes that it was almost comical if it wasn't for the situation. I thought I was the only one whose emotions were written on their faces. Guess not.
"Oh my god. Bella, I do love him. Oh my god. How the hell did you do that? No wonder you're so good at this. But now what do I do. I can't just go running to the hospital and tell him. I don't want to scare him." Again her face went through the emotional changes of a Mrs. Potato Head. You heard me, emotions changed so fast on her face it was like someone was sitting there just changing pieces on her face.
"Now Alice you need to know what happened to make him the man you first met. The man I created in a sense. You know that I am his ex-right?" I asked and she nodded but I don't think she knew exactly what had happened for me to end the relationship.
"Now I know that you won't like to hear this and that you will probably want to hurt me in some way. But trust me what I did was necessary for both him and me. I won't sit here and deny that I loved him because I did. But just like your Scott, I wasn't in love with him." I watched as her face showed rage and utter hatred. I flinched at having that directed to me.
"Hold on, before you hate me please understand. I didn't do what Scott did to you. Edward asked me to marry him, but I refused and broke it off with him. But he wasn't going to give up on me that easily. He gave me some time to think about what I wanted if it was because I was scared of the commitment or if I truly believed that I couldn't be happy with him. We split up three weeks before I met Jasper and I spent that time thinking of the ifs and buts that were going on around me.
"But that night I met Jasper I knew just like you do that being in love with someone is different from loving someone. And unfortunately for both Edward and I; I wasn't in love with him. I knew he deserved to love and be loved truly, madly, and deeply in love with someone who deserved him and could treat him how he should be treated. So when I got back home I told him so. I hurt him and hurt him bad. But I knew it was for the best.
"I would rather see him with you and be in love with you then keep him for myself and be selfish with his love. In all the time I've known Edward Cullen never once I have known him to be as happy as he is with you." And it was true, never had I seen him with that look he has on his face every time he looks at Alice; not even when we were together.
"And it's not a day that's gone by that I have ever felt cheated when you said no to me Bella." Edward had somehow made me jump 6 feet in the air, and Alice to squeal as she'd just seen a mouse.
"Edward Anthony Cullen, are you trying to bring me into early labor?" I scolded, but couldn't help but smile when I saw his face light up when he looked at Alice.
"Yes Edward, she's not allowed excitement or too much stress right now. Tanya would skin all our hides if she goes into premature labor." Alice joined in, but she too had that smile on her face.
His eyes lit up when Alice had said her little piece. I guess he didn't get the memo about my little scare with blood pressure.
"Now how did you get into my house without me knowing that you were here? I was positive that Peter and Charlotte locked up the house tighter than Fort Knox?" he looked sheepish while holding up a key.
"Peter and Char gave us all a copy of the front door key last weekend in case you went into labor or something. Just in case." His voice was a little higher than normal.
Serves him right scaring me like that. Just what I need someone to bring peanut early.
"Right; you two need to talk. Now, don't you think you're getting away with that little stunt but I'm letting the punishment wait until tomorrow? I'm going to bed. Lock up when you are finished or before you fall asleep." As I kissed them both on the cheek I couldn't help but smile and be glad that these two had found each other.
Both had been hurt, unfortunately, I had been the one to hurt Edward, but here he was still able to fall in love with another. Once I got to my room. I sent a quick message to Jasper. Talking to Alice I couldn't help but feel bad about getting angry for no real reason with him. He didn't deserve it and I wasn't going to force him anymore. Smiling as I turned my phone off I slept dreaming of my future with Jasper and peanut, and couldn't help but enjoy it either.
