My head gives me a strange sensation, it feels like an infinite looping, where I have to relive the same thing over and over, in an instant Lucas shows himself to be cold and has no love for himself, in the other he even cares about my own. fears and pain, his change of mood does not make me feel good, I never know how to react, and worse the effect he is having on me, is questionable, it is not something normal, I am afraid that everything that is happening is just something of my head where in his head it's just a joke or something fleeting.
I get up from the floor, quickly grab the black dress and put it on, along with my shoes, pack the workout clothes in my backpack and head out of the bathroom. Lucas and Arthur are talking, Lucas looks at me and smiles, I do not approach the two of them I stand a considerable distance waiting for him, but I can hear Arthur say: "Your eyes shine when you see her." I don't know who he is talking about, but I imagine it's not me and besides, I can't concentrate properly on the conversation, my heart is racing faster than normal, I can't breathe, despite pushing for it, my vision fogs up, I get dizzy and an immense desire to vomit, I haven't felt it for a long time, I drop my backpack and fall to the floor, Lucas comes towards me, picks me up, I can't hear much, just him asking me if I was okay ...
I open my eyes with difficulty, the environment is not the same as where I remember it was. It is my home, I am lying in bed, I look around and I see Lucas leaning against the wall facing the bed.
- Wh-why are we here? -I speak getting up to sit on the bed, he quickly leaves where he is and comes to me. - You passed out. - He says, helping me to sit on the bed, sitting next to me. - Did I pass out? But why? - You said it was an anxiety attack on the way home, you were unconscious but you said a few things. - I look at him and then I realize that he is at my house, but how? - Wait, how did you get here at home? - Key in your bag. - But my purse is in my car. -He shakes the car key in his hand. - You left them in my car. - He says seriously, his expression is not normal, I get closer, and he stays in the same position. - What are you feeling now? - My heart is a little racing. - I hold his right hand and place it over my dress, making him feel my chest on purpose, seconds later, I put his hand inside the neckline of the dress, I do it tightly squeezes my breast and so the boy does, a moan it comes out of my mouth and it changes, it lays me on the bed and gets between my legs, with ferocity it starts to kiss me, its hot tongue, it meets mine, its teeth in the middle of the kiss nibble on my lips. I cross my legs around his waist, fitting our bodies together and at that moment he separates us, placing each of his arms on one side of my body, making me stand up, I regret the movement I did, maybe he didn't like it.
- Do you know what you said to me while you were unconscious? - He asks me visibly annoyed. - No what? - "I'm having an anxiety attack, Lucas, I haven't been like this for years, the last time my father tried to kill my mother in front of me, being with you causes me the same feeling that night." - When those words come out of his mouth, I feel my eyes water, I never told anyone that, and hearing it from his mouth makes me even worse. - His nose was bleeding. - I run my hand over my face. - I cleaned. - The boy gets up and walks towards the door. I do the same however before I get close to him, he puts his hand in an action so I can keep my distance and I do it. - I was using you, but I realized that you are too fragile for me to continue. So this whole hoax ends here. - The boy's words are like a stab in the chest, I think it was the first time I felt that, I feel my head spin, my eyes fill with tears. - But how so?! Today everything was so perfect, you just kissed me and- - And I know how to pretend everything very well, I was sick of my current date, and I saw you that day at the party, so innocent and diabolical, I needed to know who you are , and then we stayed, I wanted to have sex with you, but I realized that it would be a terrible mistake to have you madly in love with me, so I always denied it, I felt sorry. - And again more things he said, I can not understand his eyes are gray and empty, like an endless well, I find myself lost as if I had wrong the way home, or if the world lost its color. - Lucas, I'm human, I bleed when I fall, I smash and break, those words in my head, are like knives in my heart. You put me up there and then I fall. I can pretend if you want, I can call and be a machine, I can fake smiles, I can fake a smile, I can force a laugh, I can dance and play the role, if that's what you ask of me, give you everything I am but me I'm human and I just want you, I need you. - The tears in my eyes fall, and I start to cry, his expression doesn't change, at least I think, I can't focus my vision, I'm destabilized, my chest is short of breath, I'm having a crisis again. - That's not enough for me. -I run towards him, and he holds me in my arms, his eyes stare into mine. - You are not enough for me. -His hands push me back and I fall sitting on the floor, he goes out and slams the door very hard, the same way I fall, I stay. - Please do not leave me. -I look at my hands and I stay paralyzed for a while, not understanding what had happened, it was a dream, I'm still passed out, but then, I look at my purple wrists, and from there my arms with scars from cuts I made when I had problems with self mutilation, for a fraction of a second my nails were already running very hard on my skin, tearing the flesh with all the strength and anger I could have, the only thing I can feel is relief, the pain in my heart strong as it is, at that moment it stopped, but then it comes back and I continue to tear myself apart, for a thousandth of a second I felt like being dead, I'm falling, I'm going back to the abyss. The blood runs down my lap, wetting the black dress, dripping on the white carpet below me, I get up and walk to the kitchen. I take a bottle of Whiskey that is inside a cupboard full of other drinks, remove the seal and turn it over. the object in my mouth, drinking some of the liquid, I walk back to where I was, I pass the mirror on the way and the view is the worst possible, my eyes blurred and red, my arms dripped with blood, I sit on the carpet again and I take more sips and sips of that drink that burned down my throat. As I was letting go of feelings again, he just wanted to use me, but why don't I believe his words, he had kissed me moments before all that, it gave me a perfect day, and in the end, why? He lies so well to the point of pretending happiness and pleasure, about my moans, my God how I could be so stupid and I didn't realize, since that day that he was with another girl, he hit me, but even with that if in that instant if he came in that door I would forgive him ...
I feel my body being swayed and my name being called, his face seems familiar, but I can't open my eyes. - Melissaaaa ! - the voice calls me, but I can't, I see Lucas' face, I smile happily, he's back, he's going to save me ...
- Melissa, wake up what you did ?. -I open my eyes and Manuela holds me in her lap, patting my face, her tears fall on me, I was dreaming and I was woken by my fairy godmother. - I just drank. - I answer getting up and I feel dizzy, the Whiskey bottle is empty, so I drank all its liquid, my arms burn, the dried blood causes a strange sensation. - You cut yourself. - Manuela says affirming. Her voice is not anger, but concern, she is sad and worried about me. - I lost control. - What happened? - She asks me, helping me to get up, I feel weak and dizzy. - I was used. - Used ?! - Manu takes me to bed carefully, it was something I could never complain about is how she treats me when I go through any crisis. - Lucas ... he said he stayed with me because he wanted to forget his ex, said he felt sorry for me ... - I tell Manuela everything that happened, she is very angry, I can feel just looking at her eyes and how she breathes, with her help I remove my clothes and go to the bathroom to take a shower.
I turn on the hot water that enters my pores like a detoxifying agent, the blood starts to drain, passing through my legs and down the bathroom drain, I don't even have to struggle to remove the blood stains, Manuela does it for me with all delicacy of the world, according to her it seems I slept for about 6 hours, or passed out, I don't know for sure. I turn off the water in the shower and wrap myself in a white towel, holding by my hand, my friend leads me to the bed, where a first aid kit awaits me, I sit on the bed, and so the "service begins" with a soaked cotton with hydrogen peroxide it starts to clean the tears that mixed between surfaces and bottoms, they burn a little, but I even like the sensation, soon it ends, ending with a healing ointment. I smile in thanks, and I feel that this is enough for her, I go to my wardrobe, grab black pajamas and wear them, walk over to the bed again and position myself on the girl's lap, who starts making a cafune on my wet hair, it takes me a while little to sleep, I hadn't digested everything that happened, and everything comes to my head again as a kind of karma.
- "This is not enough for me"
- "You are not enough for me."
I wake up with a tightness in my chest, giving a cry of pain, did I have a nightmare ?! It had been so long since that had happened. Manuela who was in the kitchen comes running and hugs me.
- Hey, it was just a nightmare, stay calm, I'm here. - She'll always be here, I know that, and knowing that makes me relieved. I get ready in bed and she lies down next to me, it was not yet time to go to college, the bedside clock's digital clock said 3 am, I still have a few hours of sleep, I curl up under the covers and try to sleep again , I close my eyes, pressing the sheet between my fingers, when I realize I'm falling asleep.
The days passed quickly, in classes I was more focused than ever, trying to forget everything, sometimes I remembered things, because I was his classmate, I had in my mind that I would avoid eye contact, but he didn't even need to, he didn't it was a day if you want to class, did something happen to him? well, let him die, I don't have to worry about that. The weekend comes, and he is summed up to stay at home still studying, then another week of school and some exams, I do them with a lot of faith in my grades, and then Friday comes, all in college talking about a fantasy party that it would happen at a club in the city, I have no desire to go, and I'm staying at home, Manuela doesn't show any kind of excitement to go and that makes me happy, I wanted to stay at home, and with her company it would be perfect.
After class we went home, when I got there I went straight to bed to take a nap to start studying. I wake up 10 minutes later with Manuela jumping on top of me on the bed, looking at her with an expression of landscape without believing in that event.
- Let's go to a party. - She says looking excited. - We will?! No, are there too many people in that sentence? - She laughs and slaps me on the shoulder. - Come on, you and me, beautiful and wonderful. - Manu, I'm not going, I want to stay home and study. - To study? you're doing it every day, you don't even want to be watching series or reading your favorite books, you need to be happy. - I'm happy studying. - You don't like to study, stop making mistakes. This party will be open bar, electronic music and it is a fantasy party that you really like. - We have no fantasy and there is nothing open at this time. - The light-haired girl smiles happily, getting up and running to the wardrobe where from the top she takes out a black box, looking at it in denial, but changing my expression she looks so happy that I don't want to end it all.
- I bought it, I've been hearing about this party for a few days now, and since I wanted us to be together, I bought the costume of two people, maybe you don't like yours, but I know it's not a reason for you not to wear it. - I keep silent and wave to her to open the box, she opens and takes out a green costume, which I deduce would be Poison Ivy, due to the red wig and the whole set, so I imagine that I would be the cat woman? well nothing much worse if it were. - Tcharam ! - She takes the other costume out of the box, when I see the colors I am amazed, black and red, really? Harlequin? soon she? - Really Manuela? Harlequin? - So I knew this would be her reaction, but look on the bright side, you love the joker and so does she. - that was not convincing. - Do you want to go from Hera? I wear yours, it should be bigger than it would be on you because of our height, but I make adjustments. -I shake my head in denial, she liked Hera better and it would be selfish for me to take her fantasy. - No, I'm going with her. - I take the costume and extend it, it is a strapless dress that seems to be short, with a corset in the middle, and bulky in her skirt, in black and red colors with playing card symbols, along with tattoos to stick on the cup with the symbol of Joker, a tiara with some pearls of the same color as the dress to put between the hair and a necklace written Puddin. I smile happily, as that would demonstrate my love for the Joker. Manuela's costume is also a dress, its shade is green and has leafy aspects on the fabric, the green fabric should go up to the middle of her thigh, but it has a transparent fabric that goes far beyond, making the outfit very sexy. - I'll take a shower first. - The girl says running and jumping with happiness because I accepted her proposal to go to the party, I just lie in bed, with the clothes on my body, and I hope to get out of there.
A few minutes pass and finally Manuela comes out of the bathroom, grabs my towel and goes along the same path as she does, I turn on the shower and shower, the cuts are not healed, and they still burn with hot water falling on them, but that it would be something that I would try not to do anymore. I turn off the water and the steam comes out, I clean the foggy mirror, I see my eyes in the mirror, they no longer have the brightness that almost two weeks ago, they are empty and cold, a feeling of pure sadness, I hated myself again.
