Hands took the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. So what's the aftermath of Helping Hands? Well it's….

Not So Handy

"Hey Ray," Lana sighed as she got into the elevator with him. She held a cup of coffee in her hand.

"Hey Lana," Ray said as he pushed the elevator up. "Rough night?"

"You could say that," Lana groaned. "Last night's mission didn't exactly go well."

"I heard Archer crashed the party," Ray said.

"How…?" Lana asked.

"Pam's blog," Ray said simply.

"Of course," Lana groaned as the elevator came to their floor and the door opened.

"And Ms. Archer read it too," Ray added as they got out.

"Ughhhh…." Lana groaned as she took a sip of coffee.

"That bad huh?" Ray asked.

"It was like pre-Coma O Clock but worse," Lana groaned.

"Ouch…" Ray winced. "Glad I was on another mission."

"Archer still thinks that he's invincible!" Lana groaned. "He is completely disconnected from reality!"

Ray looked at her. "That would imply that he was connected with reality in the first place."

"And now Mallory is going to tear our heads off for not getting the exo-suit," Lana sighed. "I don't suppose you want to come in?"

"Nope," Ray shook his head. "I'm pretty sure I can hear everything from outside."

"And out of the line of fire," Lana looked at him.

"EVERYONE WHO WAS ON THAT MISSION LAST NIGHT GET YOUR ASSES IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW!" Mallory roared. "WHETHER YOU WERE ASSIGNED TO IT OR NOT!"

"You're up," Ray waved.

"Thanks a lot," Lana rolled her eyes. She went into the room with the rest of the team from last night.

Mallory and Cheryl were there as well. "All right, I need to know what the hell happened last night!" Mallory barked. "Where's Sterling?"

"He's not in yet," Cheryl told her.

"Of course, he isn't!" Mallory barked. "Fine! Tell me what happened last night! Why didn't you get the exo-suit? How did this mission get screwed up? And what the hell happened to you two?"

Krieger was in a wheelchair. His wounded leg bandaged. Pam looked like she was about to have a black eye. "I think I may not be cut out for spy work," Pam sighed as she took a drink of something out of a can.

"Me too," Krieger groaned.

"Stop the presses!" Mallory snapped. "And what are you drinking?"

"Iced Irish Coffee in a can," Pam told her. "It's called Irish Ice."

"You're not allowed to drink in the office!" Mallory snapped.

"Archer does," Krieger said. "And so do you."

"And uh…" Pam pointed.

Cheryl had some rubber cement glue and was starting to sniff it. "What?"

"Oh, for the love of…" Mallory groaned. "Why the hell are you idiots backsliding?"

"Why do you think?" Cyril barked.

"Just tell me what happened," Mallory groaned as she took a drink.

"Well…" Lana took a breath.

Twenty minutes later…

"And that's basically what happened," Lana sighed.

"We had to take a cab home," Pam added. "Archer refused to let us ride in his car. That dude owes me 135 bucks for a ride!"

"A hundred and thirty-five dollars for a cab ride?" Mallory did a double take. "Why…?"

"I really shouldn't have had linguini and clam sauce for dinner," Pam admitted. "Especially since I had the same for breakfast. For two days straight."

"My sense of smell may never recover," Cyril groaned.

"Pam got extra charges for stinking up the cab," Krieger added. "And my van is gone! It was so cherry!"

"It was so creepy!" Lana groaned.

"Well at least you idiots prevented JUNO from getting the exo-suit as well," Mallory grumbled. "That's the one silver lining in this cloud of incompetence!"

"I hate to say this," Lana said. "But maybe it is for the best Hands has it for now? In the wrong hands that exo-suit can be a powerful weapon."

"Why do you think the government wanted it?" Mallory snapped.

"Which government?" Krieger realized something. "You never really specified that."

"Uh…" Mallory paused. "Not important."

"I kind of think it is," Lana looked at her.

"So, what are we doing?" Archer asked as he walked in. "And can I get a drink? Cheryl?"

"Uh Old Way Better Cheryl doesn't do that," Cheryl waved. "Get your own drink!"

"Okay that's the one thing I miss about New Better Cheryl," Archer grumbled.

"Oh, look who finally decided to grace us with his presence!" Mallory snapped. "Sit down Sterling! We were just talking about you!"

"How I amazingly accomplished the mission?" Archer said smugly as he leaned against the wall. "And saved your lives?"

"More like how you amazingly screwed it up!" Cyril snapped. "And you left us stranded after Krieger's van blew up!"

"You were able to call a cab!" Archer snapped. "It's not like there wasn't any cell phone service. I got at least four bars and my phone was barely charged! And it serves you right for leaving me behind in the first place!"

"Look Archer I'm sorry your feelings were hurt," Lana glared at him. "But you have to admit you didn't exactly make our mission easier! It was because of you we got trapped! TWICE!"

"And I also got you out!" Archer protested.

"I got us out of the first trap!" Cyril snapped. "Pam and Krieger got us out of the vault!"

"Hey! That's not the issue!" Archer barked. "I am the world's greatest secret agent and you all left me behind!"

"Don't blame them Sterling," Mallory looked at him. "I'm the one who decided you should be left out of the mission. I told them not to tell you. And I'm the one who came up with the whole damn seafood dinner ruse! Not that it did any good!"

"Why?" Archer barked.

"Reason Number One," Mallory counted. "You are not back at physical peak yet. You still need the cane for crying out loud! And your physical therapist tells me you haven't been to a rehab session in over a month!"

"Hey I was fine once I got the exo-suit on," Archer countered.

"Which you failed to bring back," Mallory growled. "Which leads me to Reason Number Two. That ironically describes your performance since you returned!"

"Hey! I accomplished the two other missions I was on!" Archer asked.

"Barely!" Mallory snapped. "Sterling this wasn't about your feelings. The spy game has no room for sentimentality. Dear God Sterling you think I'm thrilled to always stay in the office?"

"Honestly?" Archer raised an eyebrow.

"Sterling in my prime I could out spy all of you with one hand tied behind my back and loaded to the gills with Krieger's drugs!" Mallory snapped. "But as I got older I realized I couldn't do the same things I used to. So, I found another way to contribute. I adapted. Which you need to learn to do until you get back into peak shape again."

"What are you saying?" Archer asked.

"Until further notice you are staying in the office unless I say so!" Mallory snapped.

"You can't do that!" Archer snapped. "You can't ground the world's greatest spy!"

"No, I'm just grounding you!" Mallory snapped.

"Burn," Cyril snickered.

"Shut up!" Archer barked.

"Sterling I almost lost you," Mallory sighed. "I don't want you back on missions until you can take care of yourself in the field. Why is that so hard for you to understand?"

"We didn't mean to hurt your feelings Archer," Pam spoke up. "It's just you know…?"

"You're crippled and a complete and total burden on everyone else," Cheryl said cheerfully.

"Hey!" Archer waved his cane at her. Unfortunately, he accidentally released the sleeping gas component and was soon out like a light on the floor.

"Reason Number Three…" Mallory groaned as Archer lay passed out on the floor.