I'm back, lovlies!
I know that it has been ages since I posted a new chapter for any of my stories, but I'm determined to get stuff out in 2021! I've had a serious case of writer's block that has been hard to navigate on any of my stories, but I am going to work through it and make this year more productive writing wise!
Here is the long awaited Chapter Five of Shattered!
~BlainexKurtxLovex
*Disclaimer-I do not own Code Geass or any of it's characters. Code Geass belongs to it's creators.*
Suzaku watched in silence as Lulu closed and locked the bathroom door behind her. As much as he wanted to be mad at Lulu for her attitude Suzaku found he couldn't fault her. Suzaku knew that he had gone a bit too far with the whole thing. He had never intended to make her bleed, hurt yes, but never bleed. It was supposed to be a punishment not an all-out flogging. All Suzaku had wanted her to understand the severity of her actions except he had lost control instead. He had beaten her and he knew it. The guilt settled in his stomach like a lead weight and it made him a bit nauseous.
Lulu had every right to be cautious around him and disgusted with him. He had pushed her farther than was necessary and if it hadn't been for the clear tears in her eyes along with the fear he saw in her violet orbs he would have probably kept going. He would have taken her again and that would have driven the wedge all the way between them. If he had pushed any more he would have lost her forever.
Suzaku knew this and yet a small part of him had wanted to go further. A part of him wanted to push her until she broke. It was that small part that scared him now. He had to find a way to control it and keep it from taking over again like it had tonight. Suzaku had to look out for the signs and keep his composure otherwise it would be too late to salvage their relationship. He would lose Lulu and then he would lose his daughter.
That couldn't happen.
Suzaku heard the water come to life and he sighed. He had wanted to join her. Suzaku had wanted to help her, but it was clear that Lulu didn't want his help and he understood. If he had been in her place he wouldn't have wanted anyone to touch him. The least he could do was change the sheets and get the bed ready. Suzaku didn't know if he was going to be sleeping on the couch after what he'd done, but he prepared for it nonetheless.
Once all the sheets were changed and clean, Suzaku returned his focus to the bathroom door. The water was still running and he was sure he heard crying coming from behind the door, but no matter how much he wanted to soothe his wife Suzaku knew it would do no good because he was the cause. Any words that came from him now while she was in this much pain would only serve to distance them more. That was the last thing Suzaku wanted to happen, so he went about his business in silence.
When he was finished he sat on the couch and waited. He was nervous and terrified that Lulu would come out and refuse to let him apologize. Deep down Suzaku knew that Lulu wouldn't forgive him no matter how much he wanted to make amends. He could grovel for days and she wouldn't give him the time of day, but he had to try. Suzaku had to try and make it okay because while he didn't regret the need for the punishment itself, but he did regret the negative horrid thing it had become.
Suzaku heard the shower click off and he stilled as he waited for Lulu to come out. After a long bout of silence the door creaked open and Suzaku turned to meet his wife's gaze. Lulu wasn't looking at him though. He followed her gaze and found that she was looking at the night stand next to the bed where he had left the antiseptic cream.
"Lulu," he called calmly. She flicked her eyes to look at him before she returned her gaze to the cream again. "Would you like me to help you?"
Lulu didn't answer for a long moment before she answered, "I don't suppose you would just call one of the female servants to help me, would you?"
"It's late and I'm sure a lot of them would detest you in the morning."
"A large majority already detest me," Lulu hissed. After another moment of quiet contemplation, Lulu spoke again, "I'm nothing but a pompous royal princess to them." Lulu took another moment to contemplate her choices before she let out a defeated sigh, "I don't want your help, but unfortunately you are my only option."
Suzaku stood and waited to see what Lulu would do next. Silence reigned between them and he wondered if he should say something or go get the cream at least, but he was afraid. One wrong move and Lulu would react. Suzaku didn't want her to lock herself in the bathroom all night when she could rest peacefully in bed.
"Well?" Lulu prompted with a raised eyebrow. "Are you going to stand there gawking at me or are you going to get the ointment and help me?"
Suzaku nodded and moved across the room slowly to the night stand to grab the ointment and then he turned back to Lulu. He smiled and made his way towards her, but she held up a hand to stop him. He raised an eyebrow at her, but stopped and waited.
"Just to clarify. You are only helping me with the ointment and nothing more. There will be no funny business. There will be no talking. It will be methodical and straightforward. Is that understood?"
"Lulu…."
"I'm serious, Suzaku. I don't want you anywhere near me right now, but I have been left with little choice. We are going to do this my way or you can get the hell out." Suzaku sighed and nodded in agreement. "I'm going to come out there and sit on the bed and you are going to put the cream on the welts you caused. Then you'll wrap them up with the bandages I found in the bathroom. Before I'm going to get dressed and go to bed. That's it that's all."
Suzaku nodded in agreement and held the cream up in offering. Lulu turned to grab something from the bathroom counter then opened the bathroom door all the way before crossing the room to the bed in nothing but her towel. Once she was settled, Suzaku crawled onto the bed behind her and sat cross-legged. He then opened the cream while Lulu dropped the towel low enough for him to see the welts he'd made. Suzaku winced at the sight of the bright red marks on her beautiful pale skin. Some of them were even split open which only made the guilt in Suzaku's stomach grow. He had done that. It would take weeks for all of them to heal and they would probably scar. Suzaku felt sick.
"I know that I…." Suzaku tried.
"I said no talking. I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses," Lulu snapped as she glared at him over her shoulder. "Help me or get out. I'll wait until the morning when I can have Rolo or a servant help me if you can't follow simple instructions."
Suzaku let out a sigh before nodding again in agreement. She wasn't going to let him speak tonight. He'd have to try again in the morning. All he could do now was apply the cream, wrap her in bandages, and leave her be. Lulu had always been stubborn and he couldn't expect her to change now when she was obviously hurt both emotionally and physically.
Suzaku was gentle as he spread the cream over the worst of the welts first. Lulu hissed in pain, but said nothing as he continued on to the less severe marks. When he was finished, Lulu handed him the roll of bandages he usually used when he was too stubborn to go to the medical bay and together they wrapped her torso before he got off the bed and replaced the cream in the drawer. When he turned around Lulu was gone and the bathroom door was closed. Suzaku quickly put on his pajamas and waited with his head in his hands as he waited for Lulu to reappear.
When Lulu finally emerged, she crossed the room to the bed and crawled in without looking at him. Suzaku sighed before getting up and turning off the lights before crawling into his side of the bed. Lulu was at the very edge of the mattress so that she was as far away from him as possible and Suzaku's heart clenched at her distance. He wanted to pull her against him and hold her, but he knew that it would only make things worse. A small part of him wondered why she didn't order him to sleep on the couch, but he took it as one small mercy.
"I'm sorry," he whispered before laying down. Lulu said nothing, but Suzaku was sure that he could hear her holding back tears.
It was early morning when a sound stirred Suzaku from his sleep. He opened bleary eyes to find Lulu facing him, but the look of pain and sorrow on her sleeping face forced Suzaku to consciousness. She was talking in her sleep and as he sat up and leaned closer his heart stopped.
"I'm...I'm so sorry, Euphie," Lulu muttered sadly. "I never...it was-was supposed..."
Suzaku was shocked by the amount of regret in his wife's voice. In the almost year they had been married Suzaku had never heard Lulu express true sorrow for her actions at the SAZ. It had been mentioned on Kamine Island and Lulu had claimed to regret it, but this was a whole new level of sadness. Suzaku's heart hurt as he watched tears slip silently down Lulu's face.
"It was an accident, E-Euphie," Lulu sobbed. "I was-was careless. I did-didn't know i-it would..."
"Oh Lulu," Suzaku whispered softly.
"I couldn't...I couldn't let you-you shoot Su-Suzaku, Euphie." Another sob escaped Lulu's lips and Suzaku reached forward to wake her, but stopped when Lulu's hand shot out to grasp his wrist. "I h-had to stop you. No m-more people had to die th-that day. I-It had to end wi-with you. I'm so sorry."
Suzaku's heart broke as the grip on his wrist released and Lulu's hand fell onto the bed. Suzaku moved the hand closer to Lulu's chest before he tucked himself in closer and wrapped an arm around Lulu's waist softly. He placed his head gently above hers and she nuzzled in close to his chest on reflex while the same hand he had placed previously fisted in his nightshirt. He held her close while he dozed until she awoke a few hours later.
Lulu tensed when she realized their position and Suzaku waited to see what she would do. He feigned being asleep as she slowly disengaged herself before sitting up at the edge of the bed. Suzaku opened his eyes to watch her and noticed that she had curled in on herself. Suzaku started to reach out a hand to her when there was a soft knock on the door. Lulu sighed before getting up without looking back at him.
Suzaku watched as she turned the corner to the hallway that led to the front door. He debated on whether he needed to get up, but he made his decision when he heard Rolo and Rhiannon. He rose and crossed the room to stand on the other side of the wall.
"Are you alright, big sister?" Rolo questioned as Rhiannon cooed.
"I'm fine," Lulu answered carefully. "Did you feed her already?"
"Yes, but she's still hungry. I didn't have enough bottles," Rolo answered. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine, Rolo. Don't fuss."
"Okay."
There was silence for a moment where Suzaku could only guess that Lulu was taking Rhiannon from Rolo when she let out a hiss of pain. Suzaku winced at the sound and quickly made his way around the corner.
"Lulu?" Rolo gasped. Light pink eyes met Suzaku's and he watched them darken in anger as they continued to stare at each other. "What happened?"
Lulu let out an irritated sigh, "It's nothing. I'm fine. Now go do your job."
Lulu turned on her heel with Rhiannon in her arms and passed by Suzaku without a glance. Suzaku watched her pass before turning his attention to Rolo who looked murderous.
"What the hell are you playing at, Kururugi?" Rolo hissed.
"We had a fight. That's all," Suzaku answered coldly. "It is none of your business."
Rolo bristled and stepped into the hallway to jab a long slender finger into Suzaku's chest. Suzaku didn't react as he stared down his opponent. He knew that Rolo had special skills and that was why he was appointed as Lulu's "brother."
"I should kill you for laying a hand on her," Rolo spat as he dug his finger in deeper. "You don't deserve her or that child."
"Watch your words," Suzaku reminded softly. "I would be more than happy to find a way to remove you, permanently from Lulu's side if you become too much of a problem. You're insurance, nothing more." Rolo's eyes narrowed and he took a step back. "Thank you for looking after Rhiannon last night. Now, get out."
Rolo let out an animalistic growl before turning on his heel and leaving. Suzaku locked the door behind him and returned to the living room. Suzaku had to be careful with Rolo going forward because he knew that, just like him, he cared about Lulu and that could be dangerous.
He turned the corner and leaned against the entry as he watched Lulu breastfeed their daughter. She was smiling lovingly at Rhiannon and cooing at her. Suzaku smiled at the sight and wondered if there was a way to get that smile directed at him again. Then he noticed the slight spark of pain in her eyes and he winced. Lulu couldn't even lean back against the couch because of what he had done and yet she still fed their daughter as if she was fine. Suzaku realized that Lulu was stronger than any woman he had ever met and that included Euphie.
"Lulu." Lulu looked up at him and the smile fell. Suzaku felt his heart constrict at the anger swirling in her amethyst eyes. "I'm really sorry. I took things too far last night and I know that there is nothing I can do to make up for that, but I would really like to try."
Lulu raised one sculpted eyebrow at him before looking down at their daughter. "Do you?"
"Yes, of course, Lulu."
Silence stretched between them for a long moment and Suzaku wondered if she was actually contemplating something that would bridge the gap. He knew it was going to be something impossible, like seeing Nunnally, that he couldn't accomplish without giving away Lulu's awakening.
"I want to go back to Ashford," Lulu stated seriously. "I want to see Shirley, Millie, and Rivalz. I want them to meet Rhiannon."
Suzaku's eyes widened at her request. He hadn't expected this and he was a little thrown off by it. He was sure it was going to be something to do with Nunnally after last night's conversation. It would be the logical thing to ask for even if it was impossible.
"Are you serious?" Suzaku questioned incredulously.
Lulu met his gaze again with an unimpressed look. "Yes. I am. I want to see them and introduce them to Rhiannon. I'm kind of amazed that Milly hasn't been here to see us since Lloyd is her fiance, but I also understand it as well. I just want to know that they are all okay."
"They are, Lulu. I promise they are."
"I want to see them and make absolutely sure," Lulu pressed.
"You mean that you want to see if they remember Nunnally," Suzaku realized. Lulu stiffened, but nodded in agreement. Rhiannon pulled away from Lulu's breast and Lulu looked around for a burp cloth. Suzaku reached into the diaper bag that Rolo had left in the hallway and walked over to hand it to his wife. Lulu said nothing as she draped the fabric over her shoulder and raised their child to rest against her shoulder which caused another flash of pain. "I can save us a trip, Lulu. I would never let anything happen to them. They were my friends too, but they won't remember Nunnally. We...the Emperor covered all the bases when he agreed to our deal."
Lulu had started to pat their child's back to coax a burp from her and stopped at Suzaku's words. He watched as the words sunk in and the pain that replaced the anger caused his heart to constrict again. He knew that he had done something unspeakable when he separated the siblings, but he had to do it in order to protect them both. He just needed Lulu to see that.
"They see Rolo as my brother then." Lulu continued patting Rhiannon's back. "That is to be expected I guess. I'm not sure why I thought it was a possibility that they would be left alone."
"It was for the best."
Lulu's eyes focused on him again with fury. "It was the best for you and my father. Not for me and Nunnally." Lulu turned away from him and Suzaku caught a glimpse of Rhiannon who was slowly starting to fall asleep on Lulu's shoulder. "We both know it is just an excuse so don't patronize me, Suzaku."
Suzaku let out a sigh and crossed the room to stand in Lulu's line of vision. He watched her carefully as she assessed him out of her peripherals. "Is that really all you want? You aren't even going to ask me about seeing or speaking to Nunnally?"
Rhiannon chose that moment to burp and Lulu focused her attention on getting their daughter cleaned up before moving into the nursery where she laid the infant in her crib. Suzaku watched from the doorway like he always did before Lulu leaned down and kissed their daughter's forehead. Then Lulu turned and made her way towards him. Suzaku didn't move for a moment, but a glare from his wife had him moving aside.
Suzaku shut the door once Lulu was out of the way and then waited to see what Lulu would say next. He expected a shouting match or even violence. What he got instead caused him more pain then he thought.
"Seeing or speaking to Nunnally is unrealistic no matter how much I want to see her and hear her voice," Lulu answered softly. "I'd be killed on the spot if it was found out that I had seen her. I won't put her in danger like that and I won't leave Rhiannon without her mother. However," Lulu took a deep breath before turning to look at him, "asking to see the friends I miss shouldn't give anything away to the others watching me or to my father. Milly is Lloyd's fiance and the others are friends from school. No matter my status I'm allowed to have friends, correct?"
"Of course, Lulu," Suzaku answered. He pushed away from the door and crossed the room again, but Lulu took a few steps back so that they weren't too close. It stung. "I won't…."
"Yes, you won't hurt me, I know. However, you've already proven that statement to be false so I don't intend to take your word for it, Suzaku."
"Understood. I just want you to understand that last night...last night was a mistake and I regret it more than you know."
"Noted," Lulu replied. "Now, back to the situation at hand. It shouldn't be too hard to arrange for me to see the others by going to Ashford. I'm sure Milly would be happy to accommodate us."
"Lulu, I'll have to run it past the Emperor." Lulu rolled her eyes at him, but didn't comment. "You are one of our main strategists. We can't just take off somewhere because you feel the need to do so. You are needed here and so am I."
"I gave birth to a child, Suzaku. They don't expect me back for another month at least. It's not like my father wants to see me anyway," Lulu reasoned. "If you and Rolo are with me then I will be sufficiently watched and protected at all times. I wouldn't even care if there were a few extra guards around to make sure everything goes smoothly. It is what is expected after all."
"Lulu…."
"Tell them whatever you need to in order to get them to agree, but I want to go to Ashford, Suzaku," Lulu interrupted.
Silence stretched between them as the two stared each other down. The determined look in her eyes made Suzaku's heart pound. It was the same look Lulu had when she knew that she had won. It was intoxicating to see her so alive again, but it was also dangerous. If Suzaku gave in now then it was a slippery slope until he gave in to all of her demands in the future.
"I don't think…."
Lulu shook her head, "I'm not budging, Suzaku. This is trivial compared to what I truly want and it's your best option to get in my good graces," Lulu stated before he could say anything else. "You really don't have any other choice and you did say that you would do anything."
Suzaku rubbed at his eyes and let out a defeated sigh. He knew that she was right and there was no way out of this. Lulu had weaved a web and he had fallen right into it before he even knew it was happening. He should be better at getting himself out of these situations after all this time, but he couldn't think of anything to get him out of this. Suzaku wanted Lulu to forgive him.
He wanted to hold her close while they slept. He wanted to kiss her again and cuddle on the couch with their daughter cradled in Lulu's arms. Suzaku wanted to be inside her again and wanted to make her call his name. He wanted it all, but was it worth the risk?
Lulu could be planning something much more devious, but Suzaku couldn't even begin to figure out what it was. The Black Knights might come after her while they were at Ashford without the proper security measures, but even the palace had been infiltrated by Kallen. Was there truly any place Suzaku could keep Lulu safe and out of the clutches of the Black Knights and C.C.?
There was also the possibility that Lulu would sneak away to regroup with the Black Knights while they were in Japan. It was a highly likely scenario that Suzaku would like to avoid at all costs because if Lulu did join back up with the Black Knights he wouldn't be able to protect her.
"Stop thinking about it Suzaku," Lulu chimed in. "You've always been a man of action and instinct. Strategy and logical thinking aren't your strong suit. That's why you have me."
"That's the part that worries me," Suzaku answered tightly.
"You won't know until we go to Ashford then."
Suzaku pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath before saying, "You need to promise me Lulu that you won't do I that will cause you to be taken away. No reaching out to the Black Knights, no I to the Black Knights, no looking for C.C., nothing. Rhiannon needs her mother and I need my wife."
Lulu tilted her head in appraisal before crossing the room to stand before him. Suzaku didn't move as she cupped his cheek in her hand and pulled him down so that she could touch her forehead to his. The warmth from her hand made him shiver. It was the first time in a long time that Lulu had initiated any type of physical contact with him willingly and he soaked it up. "Any promise I make will hold no weight to you, Suzaku.
You don't trust me and that is the smartest thing you've done so far because no promise I can give you will curb the doubt you already have, but…." Suzaku held his breath as her lips graced his own and a shudder tore through him. "I can't promise that the Black Knights won't come for me. I can't promise that if they do that I won't go with them. What I can promise you is that I will visit with our friends and stay with them at all times when I'm not with you and that will have to be enough."
Lulu closed the distance between them and pressed her lips to his. Suzaku surged forward and crushed Lulu to his chest as he devoured her mouth. Lulu let him even when she groaned in pain. She kissed back with just as much fervor and Suzaku felt his whole body relax which allowed him to loosen his hold on her so that he didn't cause her anymore pain.
If this was a trick then Suzaku would gladly take responsibility for whatever happened next if he could burn this moment into his memory. Lulu tasted like sin and if she was a demon then he was a fallen angel.
I want to thank all of those who messaged or left comments about getting new chapters out on this story. It pushed me to make the decision to set a schedule to get a chapter out even if it took me forever!
The next chapter should be out at the end of April. Every month is going to be focused on a story so that I have able time to get my butt in gear each month! (This one was supposed to be out in January, but my schedule got all messed up so here we are.)
~BlainexKurtxLovex
