Summary: After the gang escaped Pekka Rollins they start questioning Kaz. Because there is only one question on their minds: Who is Rietveld?
They were in the Slat again. In Kaz's room to be exact, Kaz was sitting on his bed, head down, staring at his gloved hands.
The others were standing across from him, arms crossed, with grim expressions on her face.
Matthias was the first to speak up. "Alright Demjin. Mind telling us what Rollins was talking about?"
Kaz voice was raspier (?) than usual. "What do you mean?"
"You know exactly what I mean!"
"Oh I really don't. Please, do enlighten me."
Jesper's face was full of rage. "You know exactly what we mean, Brekker! Or should I say Rietveld?! What. Did. Rollins. Mean. When he called you that!?"
Kaz looked up and Jesper immediately felt a pang of guilt. Kaz looked close to crying. Kaz looked close to crying!
"It's...it-it's my name..."
Matthias rolled his eyes. "We got that. But if it's your name, than why don't you say so? You always say it's Brekker!"
Kaz stared right through his five friends. "Too many memories. So many memories. I don't deserve that name. At least, not anymore."
Nina stiffened. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"If I had kept that name, I would have disgrace the family I once had and that was the last thing I wanted to do in that moment."
"What moment?"
Kaz swallowed. "Co-Corp-...", he took a shakey breath and closed his eyes. "Bodies. Bodies everywhere and each one. Dead. They were all touching me, some of them were falling apart. I was the only one alive and-"
His voice cracked and a tear escaped his eyes.
Inej sat besides him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder, to which he immediately flinched. "And what? You can tell us Kaz. We won't judge you!"
Kaz swallowed again. "M-my Brother. Dead beside me. An-and I had to use him- use him as a raft, to get back-back to Ketterdam. And I-I felt it! His skin, rotting underneath mine and soaking with water. And his eyes! They were open and he was staring at me! But he wasn't. Because he was- is dead. Dead, dead, dead..."
He was mumbling to himself now, curling up and rocking himself back and forth. They were staring at him, looking concerned.
Wylan took a step forward. "Kaz"
Said teen looked at him, with unseeing eyes.
Wylan ran a hand through his hair. "Look. We all had a hard past. Not as a hard as you apparently, because that- that's just horrible...but!", he said noticing Kaz's distress.
"We all learned to withstand it. And eventually, so will you. The experience you had won't get away over night, that much is clear. But hiding your pain and avoiding everyone and their touch with those gloves, will just make it harder for you."
Kaz was staring at him, as if not understanding.
Matthias was at Wylan's side." You know what? Van Eck's right!"
Silence. And stares.
Matthias looked around. "What? It's true! Our pasts may not have been as traumatic as the Demjin's, but we could defeat it, some of us are still fighting! But Kaz, you will never be able to move on if you hide behind a facade of stone and gloves. We can help you! Will you let us?"
Kaz looked surprised. Everyone, looked surprised. Since when was Helvar so motivating?
Kaz stared at his friends- his family.
They were smiling at him and when he looked at Inej, she nodded.
Kaz slowly stood up and went to his desk. He opened one of the drawers and looked at the people in his room again. Slowly he took of his gloves and put them in the drawer.
And when he closed it, Kaz could swear he heard Jordie.
Good choice, little brother...
.
That night, in Kaz Brekker's room, Kaz Rietveld slept peacefully.
