Letting go of Kurt's hand felt wrong. He knew he needed to sort through all of the thoughts and feelings he had inside of him, and he usually needed time and space to do that. But now... now he had Kurt, his aking Hari. He didn't have to do this stuff alone anymore, and he knew that if he called or texted Kurt right now, he'd come back, no matter what he was in the middle of. Their bond was that strong.
On the other hand, he felt like he really needed someone else to work through all of this with, and there was only one person he could think of to talk to. He just hoped she wasn't busy.
From Blaine (11:15): Are you busy?
Thankfully, he only had to wait a minute for a response.
From Mom (11:16): For you, never.
From Blaine (11:16): Can we Zoom or FaceTime?
A moment after he hit the send button, a new FaceTime request was coming through. Blaine connected the call, and he could see that his mom was at home in her pajamas, sitting on the couch by Andrew.
"Kalapati, what's wrong?" Liezel asked. "I thought you were going out with Kurt tonight."
"I was," Blaine answered. "Then… Well, something happened, and I had him bring me home."
"Is he there with you?" Liezel asked.
"No," he replied. "He went home, too, I think. Or, maybe he went back to the party. I'm not sure."
"Oh, my little dove," Liezel cooed. "I can tell there's more. Do you want me to go into the other room, or is it okay for Andrew to hear whatever happened?"
"Do you love him and trust him? And Andrew, do you love my mom and won't leave her, no matter what I tell you?" Blaine asked. He knew the answer deep down. Fate did not make mistakes with soulmarks. If you found your soulmate, they accepted everything and anything about you no matter what.
"Blaine," Andrew said, and Leizel handed him the phone, "there isn't a thing on this planet or any other that would ever make me even think about leaving your mother. She is the sun and the moon to me. She's the light that warms me up and gives me purpose during the day and the light that guides me during the night. I promise if you're comfortable saying whatever it is, it will not change a thing about how I feel about her or you for that matter."
Blaine nodded his head for a few seconds. "I believe you. Just… just give me a moment if that's okay? I think I'd like to change out of this suit and then… then, I can explain."
"Do you want to call back when you're ready or-"
"No," he interrupted. "Please could I just set you down and have you stay on?" He was feeling so untethered right then, and he just needed somebody there while he sorted this all out. His mother, before Kurt, had always been his anchor. Mark was great, too, of course. But he was out with Paul and wouldn't be back tonight unless something went wrong.
"Shhhh, kalapati," Liezel said. "We'll stay on."
Blaine simply nodded and then carried his phone into his bedroom and set it in the holder by his bed. He stripped out of the suit and carefully put everything away. Then, he put on his comfiest pajamas and went back over to his bed, laying down facing the phone.
"Feel better?" his mother asked.
"More comfortable? Yes," Blaine answered. "Better? Not really."
How in the hell do I start this conversation? I mean, I guess maybe I should just ask what they know and then go from there? Kurt would know what to say and do.
"Okay, so…" Blaine began.
"Take your time, sweetheart," Liezel said. "We don't have anywhere to go."
"What do you guys know about BDSM?" he asked bluntly. "Specifically, the relationships that Dominants and submissives have."
"I don't know anything other than what is portrayed in movies, and I'm sure that's not very accurate," Andrew said. "I'm open to learning, though."
"I, um, well…" Liezel stuttered out. "I know quite a bit, actually."
"Really?" Blaine asked, very much confused now.
"Well, yes," she replied. "I knew very early on that you were not like your brother, thank the heavens. I love Cooper with all of my heart, however, two of you, I think, might have made my fabulous hair turn gray much sooner than it did."
"You're beautiful no matter what you look like, love," Andrew said and kissed her cheek.
Blaine smiled at them, happy that his mom had found Andrew. "Go on, Momma."
"Well," she continued, "I'm not sure how it all started, but you were having so much anxiety about something and when I gave you a gentle suggestion, it seemed to help. After that, you'd come to me from time to time, asking my opinions on open-ended school projects and essays you were working on, looking for direction. I never had a problem with you doing chores, and I realized that you did better with everything when you knew what was expected of you. So, one day, I just looked it up, and one thing led to another. I learned about Doms and subs. I wondered if maybe you had submissive tendencies, so when you were really out of sorts, I tried the things I'd read about. They seemed to calm you."
"Wow," Blaine said. "Thank you. Um, wow. Give me just a second to wrap my mind around all of that."
"You're not mad?" Liezel asked.
"No," Blaine replied and then a moment later said, "I'm elated, actually. I was hoping you wouldn't hate me for it, but now that I know you already know this about me, it will be so much easier for me to talk about."
Liezel laughed and cuddled into Andrew a little further. "Alright, my little kalapati. Now that we know what this pertains to, are you ready to talk about what happened?"
"I am," he replied. "So, I know I told you about Kurt. He… We signed a contract the day after Thanksgiving. He called me that afternoon, after you told Coop and I that Dad wanted to see us, and I sort of lost it a little bit. He flew here that night and helped me through it all. Mom, I can't wait for you to meet him. He's so perfect and amazing, and anyway... I sort of wanted to introduce you two at Christmas, but then I stopped because I didn't want you to get too attached to him in case he wasn't my soulmate. I'm still not sure, but that's not the point. The point is that he's perfect for me."
Blaine took a moment to breathe, and his mother let him have the time to do so.
"There were things that he did that bothered me that I couldn't figure out," Blaine continued. "He never hurt me, so please, if you're thinking that, don't. It wasn't anything like that at all. What I should have said is that he kept buying me things and paying for things all of the time. And at the time, I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much. Whenever I'd tell him something was too much, he'd brush it off, and that was that. Part of our contract is honesty, and we both knew that something was bothering me. I couldn't put the pieces together, though, and I told him that. I promised that, once I put them together, I'd tell him."
"The pieces came together, didn't they?" Andrew asked.
"They did," Blaine replied. "Tonight, actually. About 45 minutes before I called you to be precise. He, um... The day started off with me being given a suit, shoes, and a bowtie. Mark had them in his closet and was supposed to give them to me this morning since Kurt invited me to a party his friend was hosting tonight. You saw the suit. It is beautiful and just so amazing. And, it cost more than I can wrap my mind around. Add in the shoes and the bowtie, and I was very overwhelmed. Mark helped me through my anxiety, and then, just after lunch, another gift showed up: an in-home masseur. That helped, again, to get me out of my head and just relax. That is until a couple of hours later when another gift showed up: beautiful knotted cufflinks. Something in the back of my mind just kept yelling at me that it was all wrong, and in hindsight, I should have been able to piece it together. But I didn't. Anyway, he picked me up in a gorgeous car and gave me yet another gift: a Rolex worth more than I make in a year, I'm sure. I tried to tell him it was too much, but he, again, brushed it off, and I just let it go."
Liezel watched as her son relived his evening, hating that she couldn't hold him through it. She knew where this was going and what it was tied to, and she despised her ex-husband for hurting her son yet again.
"It all came to a head when I overheard someone at the party talking about me," Blaine said with tears in his eyes. "They called me some not so nice things, and that's when it hit me: I was linking what Kurt was doing, buying me all of these gifts, to what Dad used to do to you when he fucked up. I safeworded and told Kurt I wanted to go home. He didn't question it and got me home immediately. The only thing he asked was that I let him know when I was ready to talk."
"What do you think you're going to do?" Liezel asked.
"Breathe," Blaine replied. "I need to really process through all of this and figure out what I want."
"Do you think he's the one?" Andrew asked.
"I think he might be," Blaine acknowledged for the first time to anyone, himself included. "I… When Kurt helped me to find a calm place, I pictured somewhere I'd never been or seen before, but it felt so familiar. Anyway, on the wall was a picture, and the more I visit that place to calm down, the more solid and concrete it becomes. The picture is of me and Kurt, but we look slightly different. What do you think that means?"
"Kalapati, I think that means that he is someone extremely important to you and that you owe it to yourself to see where this might go," Liezel replied. "I'm not saying you call him right now. You need to work everything out however you need to, and only you can determine what that is. But from everything I know about psychology-which isn't much, mind you-if your mind is creating a calm place that he's in, even if just a picture, that means something deep."
"I think you're right, Momma," Blaine replied and then yawned.
"Tired?" Liezel asked.
"Mm-hmm," Blaine answered and cuddled down in his bed.
"Do you want me to sing you to sleep?" Liezel asked.
"Would you?" Blaine asked, a hopeful look on his face.
"Of course, kalapati," Liezel replied.
Liezel sang the song for her son that she hadn't sung to him since he was in high school and got his heart broken by Ace. Of course, she had to change the lyrics a little from the original, but they liked it their way better.
"Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monster's gone, he's on the run
And your momma's here
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better"
Blaine fell into a deep sleep at the sound of his mother's voice and dreamt of his calm place. This time, he left the apartment and walked around a little bit, loving the scenery around him and watching different people fly with beautiful wings on their backs to and from where they were. How cool would it be to be able to fly? he thought to himself inside his dream.
"Do you think they'll work it out?" Andrew asked after Liezel disconnected the call once her son was asleep and had a smile on his face at whatever he was dreaming about.
"I think they will," Liezel said. "I've never seen him so happy, even when he's like this. Kurt means a lot to him, even if he can't fully see it himself yet."
The next morning Blaine woke up, feeling both better and worse than he did the night before. He knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he wanted to try to work things out with Kurt. That wasn't even a question in his mind. The question he did have, however, was wondering when he wanted to talk to him.
In the end, two days was all he could handle before he needed his Dom, his boyfriend, his Kurt. He felt more untethered and unfocused than he did when their hands parted the other night, and he really needed to be able to focus once school started again. This was his last semester, and he couldn't screw up now. It wasn't that he needed Kurt in his life. He knew that he could, if he had to, get through this alone. The fact was, though, that Kurt made him better. In the very little time they'd been together, Kurt had helped him be the man he always knew he could be.
From Blaine (2:13): If you are still willing, I'm ready to talk.
From Kurt (2:15): I would have responded sooner, but I dropped my phone under my desk and then hit my head trying to pick it up.
From Kurt (2:15): I have no idea why I just told you all of that. Yes, I'd love to talk, Blaine.
From Kurt (2:16): Would you like to join me for dinner tonight?
From Kurt (2:16): Is tonight too soon?
He's really nervous, Blaine thought. Do I call him Kurt or aking Hari? Or, do I just not call him anything right now? Kurt. I need to call him Kurt. I safeworded, and we haven't talked yet. So, those roles are on the backburner right now.
From Blaine (2:17): Kurt, stop. You don't need to be nervous with me. Tonight would be perfect. Ruby, your place, or mine?
From Kurt (2:18): Mine, if that's okay with you. Ruby might be too public for the talk we need to have.
From Blaine (2:19): I agree. What time would you like me to come over?
From Kurt (2:20): Can I send the car to pick you up around 6:00?
He's not doing it to flash his money in your face, Blaine told himself. He's doing it because he wants to see you, and goodness knows his car is much safer than a taxi or me walking.
From Blaine (2:21): I'd like that. I'll see you this evening.
From Kurt (2:21): I can't wait.
From Blaine (2:22): Neither can I.
As Blaine got ready for his dinner with Kurt, he got to thinking about something his therapist had told him, something he'd been reminded of when he saw the beautiful, knotted cufflinks Kurt had gifted him.
"How does your anxiety make you feel, Blaine?" Jenny asked him during one of his therapy sessions.
"It makes me feel like everything-my body, my thoughts, my emotions-they're all in knots," Blaine answered after taking a moment to really think about how it made him feel.
"And, when you can't put things together in your mind," she asked, "does it feel the same way, or does it feel different?"
"It sort of feels the same, yeah," he replied. "It's almost like there's a knot in the string of thoughts, of memories or events, and if I can't get it unravelled, it stays there, and the connection alludes me."
After that, Jenny showed him some ways to start unraveling those knots. He practiced them, and after a while, he didn't need to consciously think about them so just became habit that he did them. Blaine knew that this was something he needed to talk to Kurt about.
At exactly 6:00, Blaine went outside his apartment building, and there was the car waiting for him, just as Kurt had promised. He thanked the driver and got in, doing his breathing exercises to keep himself calm. When he got to Kurt's door, he knocked, thankful that the other man wasn't just waiting for him and flinging open the door when he knew he'd arrived. He needed just this one little moment to compose himself.
Seconds after he did knock, though, Kurt opened the door, and Blaine honestly wasn't sure how to interpret the look on his face. His eyes were red-rimmed like he had been crying at some point, though he couldn't quite tell how recent it was. He was also shaking, which was evident not only by his hands but also his voice when he spoke.
"Blaine," Kurt breathed out like he wasn't sure if he was real or not yet.
"Hi," Blaine replied in a similar, breathy voice.
"Please, come in," Kurt said and stepped to the side. As Blaine walked into the apartment, Kurt rambled on. "I was too nervous to start cooking, so I was hoping it would be alright if we ordered in. Unless you don't want that, and then, I can find something to make. I'm sorry. I should have realized-"
"Kurt," Blaine said and put his hands on Kurt's shoulders, forcing the taller man to look him in the eye, "ordering in is fine. I promise. What can I do to help you be more at ease? Tonight, I think, might be intense, and honestly, just being near you is settling my nerves. What can I do to help you settle yours?"
"I don't… I don't even know," Kurt replied honestly.
"Let's go sit down," Blaine suggested, and as Kurt nodded in agreement, Blaine grabbed his hand and led him over to the couch.
The simplicity of Blaine's hand in his eased Kurt's nerves tremendously. When they sat down, Blaine started talking.
"I… Can I start?" he asked.
"Of course," Kurt replied. "Whatever you need."
"Thank you," Blaine said. "So, I am probably going to ramble a little, but if you'll just let me do this for a little bit, I promise I'll get to my point." Kurt nodded and squeezed Blaine's hand, letting him know that he'd do what was asked of him.
"Okay, so... I've told you that I was in therapy before," Blaine started. "While I was getting ready to come over here, I saw the beautiful cufflinks you got me, and they reminded me of something. It's important because it's the best way I've ever heard of how my brain works. To put it very simply, my anxiety is like a knot. Everything gets tangled up, and Jenny helped me not only to realize it, but to figure out how to untie things when I needed to. Since you came along, you've done that for me. You've helped me untie knots here and there, but I think there was also a new one that was created without either of our knowledge. And, I think that was because it was placed on a string of memories, thoughts, and feelings that I don't usually think about: my dad and all of the shit that is associated with him. I know I told you that when I was finally able to figure it all out the other night, and I am so sorry that I didn't explain more or let you stay to make sure I was okay or anything like that. I can't imagine how hard that was for you. Regardless, I can't go back and change it, and I hope that, moving forward, I'll better understand and be able to use the tools she gave me when I'm in a situation like that. Plus, now you know, and you can help me through it, too." Blaine felt Kurt squeeze his hand, and he took a breath, almost as if the squeeze was telling him to do that.
"Right before you found me the other night, I had a revelation," Blaine continued. "I heard people talking about me, about what they saw me wearing, and they speculated that you got them for me. Surprisingly, now that I think about it, they didn't say anything about my age, just the watch. I digress. My point is, what they said unraveled a knot-a big one-that was keeping me from piecing all of the niggling thoughts and feelings I've been having together. They helped me realize that it was all feeling too similar to what my dad did to my mom. It's like, um, how did Jenny describe it…? Oh yes. It's like, our brains are a file cabinet, right? They hold lots of information. And sometimes, when we experience similar things, they're filed together. But it isn't just experiences; it's thoughts, smells, feelings, tastes, and all of that, too. The feelings I felt were in that folder, but my brain wasn't piecing together why. And, I am pretty sure it was because there is nothing similar about you and my dad, so there was this huge knot in the way. Is this making any sense at all?"
"It is," Kurt replied. He hadn't once taken his eyes off of Blaine and was so very thankful that his boyfriend-well, he hoped he was still his boyfriend-had all of this knowledge he could share with him.
"I guess my question now is this," Blaine began. "Why did you spend so much money on me for one night?"
"Can I ask you a question first, and then, I promise I'll answer yours?" Kurt asked in return.
"Of course," Blaine replied.
"Do you know what I do for a living?" Kurt asked.
"I don't, actually," Blaine replied. "I thought about that, too, over the last couple of days. We sort of just jumped in with the whole BDSM aspect of our lives and forgot about the other stuff. Not that I'm complaining because I've loved everything we've done. I do think, though, that it might be good to go back and do some of that 'getting to know you better' stuff."
"I agree," Kurt said. "So, to answer your question, I'm going to tell you the answer to the one I asked you. I'm a fashion designer, and a pretty successful one at that." Just then, Kurt's stomach growled so loud it made both of them laugh.
"Should we order food now?" Blaine asked with a cheeky grin.
"It would seem my stomach thinks we need to," Kurt replied. He would probably tell Blaine later that he'd hardly eaten anything in the last two days, too afraid of throwing it up from all of the feelings coursing through him. When he got this anxious, food tended to be the main thing he avoided.
They ordered sushi from one of Kurt's favorite places and continued to talk while they waited for it to be delivered.
"So, anyway, I'm a fashion designer," Kurt continued. "I have had a lot of success since I started, selling my first line when I was still in school, and since then, business hasn't slowed down. Since I'm a designer, I get a lot of gifts and things at a much cheaper cost than the public does. It's something we do for each other. Anyway, most of what I gave you the other night was gifts, stuff that had been given to me. I didn't spend a dime on them, which in hindsight, I should have told you. I should have listened to you each and every time you told me something was too much. And I swear to you, I will from now on. However, my mind was telling me, 'They're gifts; it's not a big deal.' And so, that's what came out of my mouth. The only thing I did purchase was the suit and shoes. I saw it and knew it would look amazing on you. The watch isn't really my style, and when I reflected back on the whole night, I wish I would have handled it differently. I will handle those types of things differently if there is a future for us."
"I want there to be," Blaine cut in. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have cut you off after you were so patient and listened to me without interrupting, but I wanted you to know that I want there to be a future for us and I didn't want that uncertainty hanging over either of our heads." As he said that, his chest tingled over his heart, and he scratched at it.
"I want that, too, Blaine," Kurt said with tears forming in his eyes. "I want that more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. Even… even if it's just as friends, I want you in my life." Kurt knew that his heart was in Blaine's hands now, that he had the power to crush it or to cherish it. He was just about to show Blaine his soulmark when Blaine spoke.
"Can I kiss you now? Please?" Blaine asked.
"You can, but there's one more thing I need to tell you, and then, my lips are all yours," Kurt said with a smile. Then, his face turned more serious. "In the interest of being completely honest with you, Blaine, I want you to know that, after you safeworded and I figured out the reason for it, I asked Elliot to come over and punish me. I knew that I'd done something wrong, and a punishment was the only way I could think to atone for it. So, after he got here, I stripped down, he paddled my bare ass, and afterward, I felt like I could talk things out with you and seek your forgiveness if you'd let me."
"I trust you, Kurt," Blaine replied. "Thank you for telling me, and I'm glad that you were able to get what you needed from your friend. I'm not mad or anything like that at all." When Kurt smiled and looked like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders, Blaine asked again, "Can I kiss you now?"
There was no answer from Kurt, only lips on his, and there were sparks shooting through both of them. Blaine pulled back as the tingling over his chest got stronger.
"What's wrong?" Kurt asked, concerned.
"There's just… My chest is tingling," Blaine replied. "Right-" He stopped when a knot unraveled, and he realized where the tingling sensation was. "Right over my heart," he whispered.
Kurt's eyes widened as he hoped that what was happening was really happening. Before he could say another word, though, the buzzer rang, signaling their food was there.
"Would you mind if I used the restroom really quick to wash up?" Blaine asked.
"Go ahead," Kurt replied. "Do you remember where it is?"
Blaine nodded and then walked down the hall to where the bathroom was. He hadn't lied; he did want to wash up, but he also wanted to look at his chest.
When he got into the bathroom, he took a deep breath and went to his calm place for a moment to ground himself. As he opened his eyes, he looked at himself in the mirror and thought, Here we go.
Blaine unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt, and there, sitting proudly on his chest over his heart, were the two most beautiful words he'd ever seen in his life: Kurt Hummel. He washed his hands and buttoned his shirt back up, the wide smile never leaving his face. There was no anxiety or thoughts clouding his brain of "what if Kurt doesn't have your name?" or anything like that. He believed and trusted that if Fate put Kurt's name on his chest, his name would be on Kurt's chest eventually.
When Blaine got back into the living room, Kurt had set up the sushi on the coffee table and had gotten them beverages as well. They made small talk over the meal, asking about what they'd been doing the last couple of days. Kurt told Blaine what he'd been inspired to work on a concept for a new line, and Blaine told Kurt he'd talked with his mom and Andrew a lot. After they were done eating and cleaning up their mess, they sat back down on the couch and held hands once more.
"Before the buzzer went off, I wanted to tell you something," Kurt started. "It's something pretty important, and I want you to know that we'll figure out what our next step is together, okay?"
"You're scaring me," Blaine blurted out, those "what if" questions starting to creep in.
"Damnit," Kurt said. "That's the one thing I didn't want to do. Okay. I'm just going to show you. I promise it's not bad, though."
Kurt unbuttoned his shirt and took it off, leaving him in an undershirt. He then lifted it over his head, and Blaine's eyes zeroed in on the new marking on Kurt's chest. Blaine didn't say anything; he just stared at the words Blaine Anderson and tears filled his eyes. Those two words told him that everything was going to be okay. He smiled and undid the top two buttons of his polo before pulling it off of himself, revealing his tanned, bare torso underneath. Kurt's eyes then zeroed in on Blaine's chest, seeing his name standing proudly there.
"When?" Blaine asked, breaking the silence.
"Not long after I got home Thursday night," Kurt answered. "I needed to wash away all of the self-loathing from the night and make a plan to heal the damage I'd done. I noticed it when I took my shirt off which led to another bout of tears. It gave me hope, though, hope that in some way, shape, or form you'd let me continue to be in your life."
Blaine took a moment to process everything that was happening. We get to be together forever, he thought. We'll have ups and downs, disagreements and celebrations, and we'll get to do all of it together forever. He knew in that moment what he needed-no, wanted-to do to show Kurt just what he wanted their future to be.
He got up off of the couch and knelt down in front of Kurt, his eyes never leaving his Dom's.
"I want everything with you, Kurt," Blaine said earnestly. "I want your love. I want your dominance. I want your rules. I want your punishments. I want your rewards. I want your heart. In return, I'll give you my love, my submission, my obedience, my thanks. I'd say I'd give you my heart, but you've had it since that first night at Ruby. I love you, Kurt Hummel."
"I am so in love with you, Blaine Anderson," Kurt replied, smiling like, well, like he'd just found his soulmate! "I promise to treat you fairly as your Dominant. You honor me with your willing submission. In addition, I will give you my heart to hold, and I will protect yours like the treasure it is. Always."
"Berde," Blaine said, and that was all the indication either of them needed to know just how this night would end.
"Do you have anything going on tomorrow, aking prinsipe?" Kurt asked.
"No, aking Hari," Blaine replied.
"Good," Kurt replied and ran his fingers through Blaine's hair. "That means you're all mine for the rest of the night."
Ho. Ly. Shit was the only thought Blaine could coherently think in that moment.
A/N: The song used is Beautiful Boy by John Lennon. I had never heard it before but it's really cute and fit what I needed it for perfectly.
