Sara Lance has been a lot of things over the course over her lifes. She has been an assassin, she has been dead, she's been a Legend, a captain, and a hero. But never once has she been insecure.
At least not until she met Ava Sharpe. The woman that had turned her whole world upside down. Ava had showed her the light and made her realise life is so much more beautiful in it.
But this light also makes her so much more vulnerable. Because without the darkness, there's no place to hide. Something that becomes crystal clear to her, when the woman of her dreams is kissing her and tugging at her shirt.
In the past, it was as if to ask for permission. Now, it has become a plea for permission.
She has done everything she could possibly think of to avoid this moment for as long as possible. Which only made Ava insecure and suspicious of her. Captain Lance has seduced the most beautiful women in all of time without hesitation.
Was Ava not good enough?
"I'm hungry. You in the mood for pizza?"
Sara can see the hurt on her girlfriends face. The first few times this happened, she tried to hide it. But when Sara kept making excuses - some more ridiculous than others - Ava was all too happy to show her girlfriend the disappointment she's feeling.
Unlike the Captain, she doesn't have emotional walls higher than the Mount Everest. Every time she thinks she's almost reached the top, Sara just makes them higher. Much to Ava's frustration.
But now, Ava has ran out of patience. She realises that if she can't climb over those devilish walls, then she'll just have to tear them down.
"No. I'm not in the mood for pizza. You know well enough what I'm in the mood for." When she realises that the mood is actually kinda over, she adds: "Or was."
Sara swallows thickly. She knows she can't avoid this forever, she was simply hoping she could last a little longer. But she knows from experience that all beautiful things must come to an end. "Ava-"
"No. If you're not ready, then that's fine. But then just tell me. Quit the excuses."
The look she sees on the Captain's face is one of a haunted woman. Like Ava's asking her to jump off of a cliff and trust the Director that she won't die. Something she's probably even more likely to do than actually talk about her feelings.
After a brief silence comes Sara's vague response. "It's not that Aves. It's just better if you don't- It's just better this way."
"What are you talking about?"
The words are supposed to sound as a warning, but they aren't more than a desperate plea. "Just let it go."
"No. Tell me the truth."
It's not the fact that they're not having sex that's bothering her. The secrets are what makes her frustrated. All Ava really desires is for her girlfriend to let her in. To show her who she really is and not that façade of 'Fearless Captain Lance'.
"Please."
A whimper, that's all it was. A last futile attempt at holding onto things the way they were. Because she knows Ava won't want her anymore after this. She knows that even if her girlfriend doesn't care, she'll have to end things herself.
Because she doesn't deserve Ava. She doesn't deserve to be loved. She's not good enough. She'll never be good enough.
A hand touches her arm. A hand that causes spikes of electricity to run through her. It's so soft and loving and everything she doesn't deserve. But it's also everything that she needs. To feel Ava against her, even if it's just a hand.
So she takes the hand in hers and holds onto it with her life. "Please."
Please.
Ava's other hand reaches for her face. It's not until Ava wipes the wetness of her cheek that she realises she's crying.
She's afraid.
And as if the woman read her mind, she says: "Don't be afraid."
And desperatly she tries to hold on to the little dignity she has left. "I'm not afraid."
"Then why can't I lift your shirt?"
Touché.
With shaky hands, she reaches for the bottom of her black blouse. She looks up to Ava, begging the Director not to make her do this.
Ava is frozen. A feeling of guilt settling in her stomach. Why does she have to be so needy? Sara clearly doesn't want to do this. She should just tell her girlfriend it's okay and that they can do this some other time.
But it's not okay. And she has to know what's bothering Sara. So, since she's completely lost for words, she leans forward to press a loving kiss on the Captain's forehead. As if Ava's trying to let her know that she doesn't have to be afraid.
Because she really doesn't.
And when Sara finally lifts her blouse, Ava is completely at a loss for words. When she does try to say something, Sara interrupts anyway. "Don't."
And so she doesn't. She just stares at the scars that cover her girlfriend's body. The feeling of guilt only growing, while worry's being added to the mix. If she wasn't as worried, she's make note of how her girlfriend looked like some Amazon Warrior Queen with those abs and scars that just make her look so breathtaking. But the only thing she can think of is what torture the woman has had to endure.
Sara's response is nothing but a whisper. "It's not as bad as it looks."
"Not as bad as it looks!?" Ava exclaims.
But when she sees the look of distress in her girlfriends eyes worsening, she tries to relax. Now is not the time to freak out. Instead, she asks: "Why were you so afraid to show me?"
Sara makes a suprisingly good Ava immitation in response. "Not as bad as it looks!?"
It comes quite out of nowhere. The immitation may have been funny, but the situation definetly isn't. Still, somehow Ava finds the ability to laugh. It's merely a chuckle, but it was all it took for the mood in the room to brighten.
Sara, not sure what just happened, laughs too. To which her girlfriend laughs again, Sara laughs again and they eventually both burst out laughing.
Until Ava's hand accidentally brushes over one of Sara's scars. She immedietly tenses, not expecting the sudden display of affection.
And Ava Sharpe wouldn't be Ava Sharpe if she wasn't worried. "I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? Are you okay?"
This is so wrong. She shoudn't be getting this affection from Ava. Not from anyone. But she can't help but crave it. The affection itself and especially receiving it from the Director.
"I'm fine."
It wasn't a complete lie. Physically she is fine, but emotionally she's a mess. She has always locked her feelings in tiny boxes, which worked perfecly fine for her. But then Ava decided to open them all. And now she doesn't wish this mess that she is upon Ava.
"You're beautiful, do you know that?"
It hurts.
But she won't show it. Instead she smirks and winks. "You definetly do."
Ava suprisingly isn't affected by the flirting and simply shakes her head. "No. I was asking about you."
"I'm fine."
"That wasn't the question."
Sara internally scolds herself for not paying propar attention. Why does she have to be so useless?
"Do you?" Sara asks.
"What?"
"Do you think I'm-"
She cuts herself off, not wanting to say it out loud. She sounds so needy. Too needy. But being so exposed in front of Ava has that effect on her.
And Ava, being the amazing woman she is, already knows what the question was. "I think you're gorgous."
And that was the final straw. Because she just breaks down. Tears stream down her face. "Go away." She says. "Go away, Ava."
She repeats the words as a mantra while histerically sobbing. But Ava doesn't listen. She takes the crying woman in her arms, even when she tries to break free. The more Sara begs for her to leave, the tighter she holds her.
And the tighter she holds her, the guiltier Sara feels. "I don't deserve you."
Ava can't believe her ears. That such an amazing and strong woman can think so little of herself puzzels her deeply. And she just wants- no, needs to let her know how amazing Sara is. "You deserve the world, Sara."
And that's when she sees something inside the Captain change. Sara wipes away her tears and puts on a strange and cold face. Then she stands up from the bed and says: "I'm not gonna do this."
"Wha-"
"No. You deserve better than me. So much better. I meant what I said. Go."
She wants to listen to Sara, but every inch of her body is telling her to stay. And the distress on Sara's features is telling her she has to.
So she makes no move to leave. To which Sara's distress only worsens. "Ava, it wasn't a suggestion!"
But the poor Ava's just too overwhelmed. By the longing for Sara, the need to comfort the Captain, Sara's pleas for her to go, and the despair she's feeling. The only thing that's left for her to say is the truth. "I love you."
Before Sara has the chance to stop her, she stands up and continues. "I know you've done terrible things. I've read your file. But you don't get to decide what I need or deserve. You're the woman of my dreams. I don't care about your scars. I just want to be there for you. I want a life with you. I just- Your past turned you into the incredible woman you are now. It doesn't defy you, it just makes you so much stronger."
Ava isn't done yet, but she does take a moment to breathe. In that moment, Sara tentatively takes a step closer to her. Her abs still on display, just like the scars that cover them.
"This is who you really want?" She asks, gesturing for herself. "You can have any girl in the world and you'd choose someone as damaged as me?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
Sara takes yet another step closer. "I love you too." She whispers, voice soar with sadness.
It genuinly comes as a shock to Ava. Having assumed that Sara cared for her, but just not in that way. So for a few seconds she's too dumbfounded to say anything. But then eventually she asks: "You do?"
Another step is taken in her direction. "Yes. That's why I want you to be happy."
"And I want to be happy with you."
Sara's simply lost at the moment. She's not sure whether she deserves happiness or not. She's not sure if Ava isn't better off without her. And she's not sure on what to do next.
Her mind keeps telling her not to take another step. But it isn't sure if she should sent Ava away or leave by herself. So instead she listens to her heart. And her heart has never desired anything more in her life.
Her feet drag her towards the enchanting beauty in front her. Her hands settle on Ava's face and her lips connect with those of the woman she loves.
Ava deepens the kiss, simply burning with desire after the past months. Her hand tentavely lowers onto Sara's lower back and eventually her ass.
And when Sara pulls back, Ava can't help but stare into those beautiful crystal blue eyes for a while. Every time she gazed in them, she found herself being blocked by those giant walls.
But now, she sees the grief, the pain, the suffering, but especially the longing and the love.
So much love.
The Captain's forhead is pressed against hers, while her hand is still on Sara's bottom. And she finds herself asking the dreaded question: "Can I?"
Sara has never felt so exposed and vulnerable. And strangly she doesn't hate it. Instead she starts to crave it. Crave Ava's touch. So she runs a hand through the Director's long blonde hair, while whispering:
"Please."
