It was nearing 48 hours later when Hailey was leaning against her kitchen island slowly drinking a beer trying to avoid making eye contact with Jay. She could feel his gaze on her and it hurt.

She couldn't bring herself to admit the truth aloud. She hadn't talked to her dad, yet the lie fell from her lips before she could take it back. Before Jay had arrived, she thought about what to say to him:

"I couldn't do it."

"I saw him and just walked away."

"I was too angry."

"It hurt more than I thought it would."

But when faced with Jay in person, none of those were right. Instead, she said, "Good, glad I talked to him."

Jay knew she was lying. It was written across his face. She waited for the 'Hailey' she thought he'd whisper or even the 'Come on,' but neither came.

She glanced up briefly at Jay to see him taking a long drink of beer while still keeping his eyes on her.

She blinked quickly and looked back down at her bottle. Suddenly, she felt full – she wasn't thirsty anymore. Her chest felt tight and her shirt was too hot. She straightened up hating that her hands started shaking.

"Hey," Jay breathed and set his bottle down, "Couch?"

Hailey nodded and walked around to settle on the couch.

All she could picture was her dad sitting there in that hospital bed. Heart attacks were scary and they were serious. They could be deadly.

Being beaten could be deadly.

Being raped by your own husband in a drunken fit could be deadly.

Being shoved into a fireplace when you're ten years old could be deadly.

The couch moved as Jay sat next to her and Hailey jumped.

"Hailey," Jay's hand reached out to her, but she jerked away.

"No," she said.

Jay's hand stopped an inch from her arm and the air became stiff.

Hailey dared to finally make eye contact with him and instantly regretted it. He had that look on his face where he felt bad for her. She didn't want that. There was no reason for him to feel bad for her. Her past was her past.

She repeated that phrase a lot. Her past was her past. It mostly came up when a random good memory of her dad would slip through her mind. Those were actually the hardest to get over because they were always tainted with the bad memories.

Her older brother's bloody lip at church for their cousin's baptism.

Her mom limping down the stairs to take pictures of her before prom.

A concussion at her first soccer game as goalie.

She never knew what parts she wanted to put in the past – the good ones so she would only focus on the bad or the bad ones so she would only focus on the good? Like her childhood memories, the good and the bad were hand-in-hand.

But now that she was an adult, a grown woman, she could really see how bad those memories were and how horrible everything had been. She hadn't deserved to grow up like that. It was a childhood that was not worth forgiving. Not now at least. She couldn't do it tonight.

"Okay," Jay breathed and put his hand back in his lap, "I'm sorry."

Hailey shook her head and looked down at her own hands as she blinked her eyes quickly against the hot tears that were starting to boil up and began picking at her nails.

Eventually, one tear fell followed closely by a second and a third. She sloppily wiped her face. No tears. No one should know. This is our family.

She hated her mom for saying that. Abuse and family do not belong together. Family is made of love and support and happiness – not all of the time, that wasn't realistic, but that should be the base. Unfortunately – or was it fortunately? – her family did have those moments where they were all smiling and laughing. Those moments were what made tonight so difficult.

Jay might know some of what had happened, but not all. It was not his fault. He just wanted to help.

Family should want to help.

Hailey tore her gaze from her fingers that were beginning to become sore from all the picking to look at Jay. He was still watching her with that same expression as before, yet this time she didn't see it as pity, she saw it as helplessness. He did want to help, but he didn't know how. She could see that across his face; she saw it across his face for the past two days. He was trying – offering advice, staying quiet, admitting he didn't fully understand, the occasional hand squeeze.

She breathed shakily and moved closer to him, her lip starting to tremble.

He put his hand back out in time for her to bury herself in his side.

"Just hold me," she whispered.

"I can do that," Jay said and held her close, "Anything you need."

Hailey whimpered quietly and wrapped her arm that wasn't squished against the couch around his middle, "I need you to stay."

Jay nodded and stroked his hand down her back, "I'm here."

Hailey closed her eyes then curled her legs up on the couch. 48 hours before she had been lost in the feeling of everything Jay. Tonight, she again found herself lost in Jay, but it was a much different situation. He wasn't bringing her pleasure; he was bringing her comfort and that almost felt better. She felt loved.

His fingers gently scratched at her back for a while before he moved his hand to her hair and softly tugged her ponytail out. He brushed her hair back and trailed his hand over the mess that was there.

She sniffled and curled up even further into him. She had stopped any tears from falling to only focus on Jay's hand. It was relaxing. She liked it. It was different than anything they were used to, but just like the other night, it did not feel awkward.

Her eyelids felt heavy, so she slid down slightly to rest her head on his thigh. There would never be an easy time to bring up her dad with Jay. He knew that. She could see on his face the second the lie slipped through her lips that he knew she wasn't telling the truth. She also knew that he wasn't going to judge her for he had taken over a year himself to admit to her what had happened with his own dad.


She had texted him wanting to meet for a beer. She needed to get out of the house for a bit. Vanessa was incredibly nice, but she also thought her relationship with Jay was interesting and Hailey didn't feel like being analyzed.

He actually turned her down though – had said something about not feeling up to it and that he'd had a headache. She wanted to brush it off as nothing, but she couldn't even remember him ever saying he had a headache and sensed he was lying. It only took ten minutes to track his phone and she figured if it was nothing and truly a headache that he'd forgive her in a couple days.

But she found him at a bar sitting by himself in the corner with an array of beer bottles and empty glasses on the table. She could clearly remember his flushed face and the way his hand shook as it reached for his keys when he spotted her.

She had said nothing though and simply took the keys from him before dragging him out to her own car to drive him back to his apartment. It was in the parking lot with the radio softly playing a song from the 80s that he admitted his last words to his dad the year prior. She just sat and listened as, for the first time in front of her, he rambled about his life giving her no time to cut in or offer understanding or advice.

She'd seen him buzzed before and had given him a ride or two home from the bar in the past, but she would never consider having seen him drunk until that night.

Sitting in the cool air of her car with the windows down as he talked seemed to have sobered him up enough to be able to make it up to his apartment with no issues, so he eventually reached over to squeeze her arm in a thanks before leaving her for the night.

She made sure to watch him safely get inside the building, laughing quietly to herself when he tripped over his own shoes in the entryway, then drove back home.

The following morning, he brought her a coffee and a muffin for breakfast and pulled her to the side to again thank her for the night before. She assured him that it was what friends were for and they went about their day.


So she knew why he had pushed her to go see her dad. He didn't want her to feel the same regret he felt. She appreciated it, truly. Jay felt guilty and he didn't want her to bear that pain. She understood. She was just glad that he also understood that opening up to him might take longer than 48 hours.

She shifted slightly on the couch, the button on her jeans starting to dig into her middle. With a deep breath, she sat up slowly, pressing a palm into her eye.

Jay kept a hand on her back and watched her examine the smeared mascara on her own hand. He smiled slightly when she looked up at him and reached over to rub his thumb under her eye to wipe away the black makeup.

Hailey blushed and rubbed her fist under her nose, "I'm pretty cute, huh?"

Jay laughed and tugged her again toward his chest to hug her tightly, "I think you're beautiful. Just a rough day. It's not going to break you, I promise you that."

Hailey felt a lump form in her throat as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, "And if it does?"

Jay kissed the side of her head and whispered, "Then we figure it out. I'm not going anywhere. You waited a year for me to break enough to let you in, I can do the same for you."

Hailey breathed in and rested her head in the crook of his neck. "Okay," she said quietly, "Thank you."

Jay hummed in response and rubbed his hands over her back.

Hailey drank in the moment until she felt her eyes droop again. She really hated falling asleep on the couch, though admittedly falling asleep on Jay didn't sound horrible.

She carefully got off of him and stood up, "Do you still feel like staying?"

Jay frowned slightly at the idea that she still needed reassurance that he wasn't going to leave her after the day, but stood with a nod, "Of course."

Hailey tried to smile before she slipped her hand in his and tugged him to the bathroom. She dropped it in front of the walk-in shower that she opened to start the water.

"Hailey," Jay said softly once she started undressing with her back to him.

She looked over her shoulder as she unclasped her bra, "Yeah?"

"I…love the idea of showering with you," Jay rested his hand on her lower back and he looked hesitant as he said, "But I don't think-"

"You don't have to finish that," Hailey turned to face him, "I understand. I…I was just hoping you could wait in here. I don't want to be alone."

"Wait in here?" Jay repeated and waited for Hailey to nod to smile, "Okay, uh, sure, yeah, I'll wait in here." He scanned the room for a minute then walked over to close the toilet and sit on it, "I'll be here."

Hailey laughed softly before slipping her bottoms off and stepping under the hot water. Through the glass, she could see Jay watching her. She wasn't embarrassed though – it was just Jay and he had seen her without clothes on two nights before – because she didn't feel like he was analyzing her every move. It felt like he was just watching her to make sure she was okay, nothing more.

She understood where he was coming from and she whole-heartedly agreed. She didn't think sex was the right idea right now, but a hot shower to wipe away the grime of the day? Yes. That was very necessary.

She closed her eyes against the warm steam and hummed under her breath as she began washing her hair. She liked to spin the ends around her fingers; it was something she'd done since her hair began curling in its own crazy way back in middle school. She'd thought that if she spun the curls herself in the shower that they'd stay cute and perfect – not at all what they actually looked like when they dried.

Suddenly, like a freight train, she was hit with a memory of her mom braiding her hair before a soccer game.

"Goodness Hailey Anne, it's just getting frizzier and frizzier."

"But I'm still pretty, right?"

"The prettiest."

"I'll agree with that."

Hailey coughed as her dad's voice felt like it was right next to her. Her eyes shot open and the soap dripped in them. She sputtered and backed up into the glass.

"Do I look like Mom?"

"Even prettier."

Her eyes burned and she desperately tried finding the handle to open the shower so she could stumble out, but she felt lost in her own bathroom.

"Hailey. Hailey!"

"Are you okay if I'm prettier than you?"

"More than okay. You deserve the world, Hailey Anne."

Hailey slid down along the glass and tried fighting past the memory of her parents. She was on the tile of the shower, not their bed. She was wet from the shower, not the water her mom was using to dampen her hair.

All the steam was let out of the shower as the door snapped open. Hailey could hear Jay scrambling to the ground next to her, but she still couldn't open her eyes. They burned too badly.

"Hailey."

She sobbed and reached out in the direction of his voice.

"I'm here," Jay breathed, barely audible over the water still coming from the showerhead, "I've got you." He had a towel that was quickly getting soaked from the water and wrapped it around her as best he could.

Hailey was lifted into his arms and carried out of the shower. She didn't know where he was taking her, but the air became cooler so he must have brought her out of the bathroom. She still couldn't see anything against the soap in her eyes. She could feel his wet t-shirt sticking to her and her soaked hair tucked under his chin.

She could breathe though. She no longer felt suffocated.

Jay set her down on what she quickly realized was the bench in front of her bed and said, "Hailey, can you hear me?"

"Jay," she blindly reached out, the soap still burning her eyes.

"Hey, hey, look at that," Jay used his shirt to start wiping her eyes, "There you are."

Hailey blinked her eyes quickly against the burning until she could see Jay through the pain.

He tried smiling at her, "Hey, I'm here, I'm right here." His thumb gently stroked over her cheek wiping away the tears still falling down her face.

She shivered and gripped at the wet towel around her shoulders to take him in.

Jay was pretty much as wet as she was – his t-shirt sticking to him, his hair plastered to his forehead, and his jeans looking uncomfortably damp.

"Sorry," Hailey breathed.

"Don't be," Jay shook his head. He continued wiping her face gently while holding her eye contact. "Can I tell you something a little weird?" he asked.

Hailey sniffled and nodded.

Jay kneeled in front of her, "Your eyes look really pretty right now. They're so blue."

Hailey stared at him for a moment then laughed through her tears, "What?"

Jay smiled, "They are. Bluest blue I've ever seen."

Hailey shakily wiped her face, "I know my eyes have to be crazy red from the soap and the crying and-"

"And they're pretty," Jay reached back up to touch her cheek.

Hailey closed her eyes despite the comment and leaned into his hand. She should probably feel embarrassed right now. She was soaking wet, naked, half wrapped in a towel, shampoo still dripping down from her hair, crying, and vulnerable.

She wasn't though. She was surprised that she didn't feel embarrassed. She felt safe because despite all that had happened the past 48 hours, Jay was still here. He hadn't left her. He didn't seem scared of her and all these feelings she was currently having. He had stayed.

Jay patted her leg as he slowly straightened up, "I'm gonna get you a couple more towels, okay?"

"Yeah," Hailey cleared her throat and used the wet towel around her to wipe the remaining tears from her face, "In the-"

"Bathroom closet," Jay winked then kissed her head, "I've got you."

Hailey watched him quickly walk out of her room and tried to understand what exactly had just happened in the shower. Maybe it was a panic attack. She'd never had one. She had learned about them and knew they could come up in different ways.

Jay returned to her room with one towel over his shoulders and two more in his hands, "Towels for Ms. Hailey."

It stuck with her for a moment as she accepted one of the towels. Not Ms. Upton like a normal response would be. Ms. Hailey.

She slowly rubbed her face, thankful that the soap had gone from her eyes, and watched Jay. He had made his way to her closet and was picking out clothes for her. He glanced back and smiled, "Any preferences or are you cool with this one?" he held up a black hoodie she'd recently bought. Had he known?

"Sure," Hailey answered softly, "That one's good."

Jay nodded and spotted the tag still hanging from the arm. He ripped it off before tossing it at her and opening up the drawer with her sweatpants in it. How he remembered that was where she even kept sweatpants, she wasn't sure. She did notice, though, that he was slipping his hand within the waistband of all the pants until he pulled out an old grey pair that he brought over.

Hailey slowly dressed in the soft clothes then straightened up. Her mouth opened to talk, but she didn't know what exactly to say. Part of her wanted to know what he was doing with her pants and why he said 'Hailey' not 'Upton.' Part of her wanted to apologize again. And part of her wanted to tell him what had really happened.

Yet nothing came out, so she hugged him. He was still wet, but his arms wrapped around her in return and one of his hands twisted its way into her hair.

"I've got you," he whispered.

Hailey closed her eyes and nodded, "Thank you."

Jay kissed the side of her head, "Let's get you in bed."

Hailey reluctantly stepped away, grabbing his hand, and made her way under the blankets.

"You okay if I take some of this off?" Jay asked, his hands already playing with his belt.

Hailey's lips tipped up and she nodded.

"Cool," Jay said softly before slipping off his pants and pulling his shirt over his head.

"Cool," Hailey rolled her eyes and tugged the hood over her damp hair.

Jay smirked and crawled over her to the right side of the bed, "Forgot, can't say that anymore."

"Mhmm," Hailey curled up into his side and took a deep breath.

He sort of smelt like her soap, probably from when he was crawling under the showerhead to get to her as she'd been lost in that short, stupid memory. A memory that seemed insignificant, yet had made its way deep into her brain.

Jay's fingers made their way into her hood and rubbed the back of her neck, "I want to talk for a minute. Are you okay with that?"

Hailey swallowed and nodded.

"Good," Jay breathed in. He pulled the blankets higher up over them then began, "I'm not going to push for details, I'm going to trust that you know I will always listen to you. I do want you to know, though, that what happened in there – the crying and the sitting on the floor – I've been there, I've felt that, and I've felt alone. You, Hailey, are not alone. You are far from it. You're not going through any of this on your own. I am here tonight and I'm going to stay with you."

Hailey blinked against the tears that came up again and pressed her face into his side. He felt so warm compared to the cold that was running through her making her shiver despite the sweats Jay had practically dressed her in.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"You're welcome," Jay slipped her hood further off her head to kiss the top of her hair, "You should sleep."

Hailey sniffled and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her sweatshirt, "Yeah, I guess."

"I'll be here when you wake up," Jay said.

Hailey smiled slightly, "Cool."

Jay chuckled and kissed her head again, "Goodnight, Hailey."

"Goodnight, Jay," she responded under her breath.

Her heart still felt like it was pounding out of her chest, though, and she couldn't bring herself to completely settle down. She pressed herself closer to Jay and hesitantly wrapped a leg over his.

He hummed in reply and rubbed his hand over her back. It was soothing. Hailey again slipped in a daze at the feeling. His hand would go from rubbing circles counterclockwise for a minute to tracing each bone of her spine to drawing zig-zags over the cotton of her hoodie.

Hailey let out a soft sound of appreciation as he returned to the circles. He chuckled deep in his chest, the movement just barely shaking her. Hailey sleepily smiled and lightly patted his stomach before falling asleep.


She was reliving their night together when he'd been all she could feel. She moaned breathily when it suddenly felt real and not like a dream anymore. His fingers were pressing against the back of her hairline and she was becoming aware of how warm he felt under her right hand.

Hailey realized she wasn't dreaming and that she was waking up with a yawn. She tried sitting up, but Jay gently pressed her back down to the mattress.

"Shh," he whispered, "You're okay."

"I know," Hailey smiled and blinked the sleep from her eyes to look up at him.

"Good morning," Jay kissed her forehead, "How'd you sleep?"

"Really, really well," Hailey sighed and moved enough so she could rest her head on his shoulder.

"And how're you feeling?" Jay asked.

Hailey let the words sink over her as she slowly breathed. He deserved the truth, but the truth didn't have to be the painful truth yet. He wasn't asking her about her dad or what had happened in the shower, he just wanted to know how she felt in that moment. He wasn't trying to trick her. He wanted to comfort her and that was okay. It was okay to be vulnerable with him. She trusted Jay to stay no matter what she said.

"Good," Hailey said, "I'm good. Last night was new, but I feel okay right now. I'm mostly just happy that you're here."

Jay held her eye contact then nodded. Hailey's chest loosened and she relaxed. He believed her this time which was good because she was telling the truth.

She really did feel okay. She wasn't going to ever forget what her dad had done and she still didn't feel ready to approach him, but she wasn't alone and wouldn't be when she did move forward.

Jay was here in her bed and he had stayed when things got harder than a tough case. He had stayed when it mattered most.

She was good.