A Soul's Worth
So what if I sold my soul to anyone –
anyone, anyone, anyone who asked for it. – The Trebles, Kings & Queens
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When Fergus MacLeod sold his soul, it was to a crossroads demon, one whose promises and touch and kiss are long forgotten. When Crowley sold his poorly mended patchwork of a soul, it was to Dean Winchester.
In selling the whole of his supposedly worthless soul to the crossroads demon, Fergus acquired a momentary modicum of stature. Then he went to Hell. He was shackled to the rack, butchered and flayed. His essence was twisted into something monstrous and eternally writhing in torment. And the only means of easing that torment was to inflict it on others. He bought souls and damned them to the same torment as his own. He tortured and murdered and carved the unending pain of his existence into the flesh and ethereal gleam of others. And for his efforts, for the cost of his misery and his service to Hell and ultimately his soul, he gained status and authority and power.
In selling the remnants of his restored soul to Dean Winchester, Crowley was provided with the palest shade of unrequited affection and a reluctant friendship. And he was equally grateful and resentful for those crumbs of kindness. He fettered his kingdom for it. He curbed his ambitions and his potential, diminished demonkind, sacrificed his self-interests, and softened against the onslaught of a blood-born conscience that swore to both save and destroy him. He cut into all his old wounds, long scarred over, allowed them to bleed again, in the barren hope of rediscovering his heart. He killed himself, alone and unloved in the wasteland of some alternative reality, so that he might at the very least be well remembered. And for his efforts, for the cost of his misery and his service to the Winchesters and ultimately his soul, he was still unworthy of being considered family.
Of those offering something in return for his soul, the crossroads demon was the more generous of the two.
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This little ficlet is for petrichoravellichor, whose fic A New Kind Of Life reminded me when I needed it why I love this character and his struggle so much.
