AN: This is just a pure one-shot idea I've had for a while. No real plot, just wrote it for a laugh. Hope you enjoy.
Fair Warning- if you hate Sasuke with all of your guts and think he is the most evil person to ever exist, turn away now.
Quick note- in this fic Sasuke does not leave the village immediately following the Fourth Shinobi War. He still travels around and turns over any stone he can find about Kaguya, but he isn't gone from Konoha for years on end here.
Far as I'm concerned that's how it should have been in canon. Everyone important had already forgiven him, and Sasuke is more than powerful enough that one or two of his Shadow Clones would be more than capable of poking around the world for any trace or hint of Kaguya's origins anyway.
'thoughts'
An Uchiha's Revenge
Sasuke was pissed.
It wasn't the first time he had felt anger, but it had certainly been a while.
Almost three years following the Fourth Shinobi War, most everyone who knew him on a personal level could agree that the rage that had consumed him for most of his life had been tempered. The Curse of Hatred that had seemingly written his entire clan's history from their very founding no longer whispered in the young Uchiha's ear.
Naruto's infamous Talk-no-Jutsu had finally, FINALLY, reached the one person he had wanted to call his friend above all others.
Sasuke, while still certainly not social, went out with the rest of his classmates whenever the new Ino-Shika-Cho trio, invited/forced their friends along for a weekend dinner to Yakiniku's. He went with Naruto to Ichiraku's every Wednesday for lunch, and played Shogi with Shikamaru on particularly relaxing days when the Nara felt the need to exercise his mastery of the game with someone who was competent enough to have a chance of at least somewhat keeping up with him.
As icing on the cake, after several years of awkward glances and small talk, Sasuke was now formally dating Sakura Haruno. Her love for the Uchiha had certainly not started out as such, being a mere schoolgirl crush at best, but after years of maturation on both of their parts as well as patience, Sasuke could finally say that he acknowledged and respected the Kunoichi and the person she had become.
Yes, life was good for Sasuke Uchiha. He had either let go of his old scores or had settled them, and was ready to start settling down to build a future for himself and his clan.
There was just one thorn in his side. Ironically it was caused by the same man who had saved him from his previous hatred: Naruto.
Sasuke's fortunes after the war had been good, but Naruto's had seemingly been blessed by every deity in existence. He was now a public hero not just of Konoha, but quite literally the world over. People who had once shooed him from their shops now showered him with greetings and praise, Kakashi was grooming him to become the Seventh Hokage after he stepped down, and he was going to marry Hinata Hyuuga by the end of the year.
He was happy for his friend. He truly was. If anyone deserved a happy ending, Naruto Uzumaki was at the top of the list.
Unfortunately, Naruto was starting to let his winning streak and newfound fame get to his head. Naruto had never had the tact to know when to hold his tongue on certain occasions, having been known since he was a child to blurt whatever was on his mind regardless of what those around him would think. And it seemed that every time they met; Naruto just had to mention how he had beaten Sasuke during their last fight at the Final Valley.
Mentioning that in and of itself was not a problem. Sasuke would be the first to admit he had been defeated, both in battle and ideology, and had been set on a better path because of it.
His pride meant that hearing it was still a small nuisance, but nothing more than that.
Except Naruto kept bringing it up. And kept mentioning it.
Over and over.
Again and again.
Whether it was a conversation between the two of them or in public, the phrase 'I kicked your ass, Sasuke', would be uttered in one form or another at least once.
It had started as a minor annoyance for him, a metaphorical insect Naruto occasionally sent his way that he brushed away whenever it came to annoy him.
Now it felt like the Uzumaki was just pouring salt in the wound.
Sasuke had been dropping ever stronger hints that yes, he knew he had lost the fight, accepted it, and would greatly appreciate it if Naruto would let it go and move on as he had.
He hadn't listened.
Sasuke was sure Naruto wasn't doing this to him on purpose- he was too kind-hearted for that; the guy was simply reminiscing his well-earned victory a little too enthusiastically. Not to mention Sasuke and Naruto had been through so much together, both working with and against each other, that Naruto probably thought that they would never have a serious fight again.
That much was true; Sasuke was far more civil than he was four years ago, and was certainly not going to start a Revolution or start a battle that would devastate a Country over something so petty. But it had become apparent that if Sasuke wanted Naruto to cease his antics, he would have to send a more forceful message.
And so here he was now; wandering the village with no destination, pondering how to get it into Naruto's head that he was starting to cross a line.
Now, how to do that?
He couldn't do anything too serious. Naruto was still Konoha's golden child, and if he overdid it his PR, which had recovered greatly, would take a serious hit. His own power and status limited his options as well. As one of two literal Demigods walking the Earth that were capable of smiting entire Shinobi Nations with ease, and who had already allied with the now infamous Akatsuki, he could easily cause a mass panic if he was too heavy-handed.
But he couldn't respond so trivially that his rival wouldn't take him seriously. Naruto had to get it through his thick head that just because Sasuke had lost their final duel and had come home did not mean that he would allow Naruto to just walk over him.
Something that everyone else would simply brush off as a harmless continuation of their rivalry but at the same time would hit Naruto hard.
At that moment, like a flash of inspiration, Sasuke had an epiphany.
The answer was so obvious; so simple!
Well, not so easy to actually pull off. As the Uchiha began to consider the logistics of his embryonic plan, it was clear that he would not be able to pull such a stunt quickly or by himself. He was going to need several weeks to get everything ready- if there was even a single leak in his preparations the entire plan would sink.
Fortunately, he knew just where to start.
Half an hour later he was staring at the face of his sensei, Kakashi Hatake, the Sixth Hokage, who looked like he was not speaking to his former student so much as he had seen an alien beam down from the stars and start tap-dancing in his office.
A WTF; did-someone-put-something-in-my-drink face.
"So, are you in?" the Uchiha questioned, snapping his teacher out of his stupor.
"…Are you the real Sasuke?"
He gave the Hokage a deadpan stare in response.
"If I was the real Sasuke, I would answer yes. If I was a fraud, I would presumably have no reason to reveal my deception at this exact moment and would still answer yes. That was a stupid question, Kakashi."
Said man placed a hand over his heart, heaving a sigh of relief.
"Thank goodness, you aren't a fake."
"Why would you assume that already? Wouldn't asking me a personal question only the real Sasuke would know be best option?"
"Under most circumstances, yes," Kakashi admitted, a small glint in his eye as he gave a knowing smile through his mask. "But you didn't use any honorifics when you said my name, something only the real Sasuke would do. So, your answer to my stupid question was more than adequate."
The Uchiha resisted the urge to grind his teeth.
"You will have to forgive my suspicion, though," he continued. "What you are suggesting is… well… really not something I would have expected from you."
"I can ignore the opinions of sheep, but shrugging off the crap that comes out of Naruto's mouth is another matter."
"Well, he always did have a knack for getting under your skin when no one else could. Still, you're asking quite a lot from me here. I'm fine with harmless pranks, but I think your idea goes a bit beyond that."
"It's nothing worse than the hundreds of practical jokes Naruto pulled around the village when he was a kid" Sasuke countered.
"I highly suspect Naruto will disagree with that sentiment if you follow through with this."
"I didn't come here to discuss what the moron's opinion of this would be. Are you willing to assist me or not?"
Kakashi gently placed his elbows on the table, resting his chin on his interlaced fingers. It looked like he was in deep thought, but Sasuke knew that the man had almost certainly made up his mind already and was just playing with him a bit.
The man had always liked subtly messing with people, he had not forgotten how he had played with him and his team when they had tried to remove the man's mask in vain all those years ago.
"…Okay."
The Uchiha had to resist the urge to raise his brow in confusion. While he had expected an answer, he had not anticipated a one-word reply that was verbalized so indifferently it sounded like Kakashi had been asked if he liked beef over pork or some other trivial question.
"You've been so serious most of your life, Sasuke," Kakashi began, sensing the Uchiha's thoughts, "it would be a shame to deny you the chance to engage in some harmless antics that you missed in your childhood. Not to mention that lately I have seen Naruto's ego and confidence creep up to unhealthy levels for a man who is next in line to bear the responsibilities of Hokage."
Sasuke couldn't help but smirk. It seemed he wasn't the only one who thought Naruto needed a dose of reality check.
"It won't be too difficult to explain what's going on to the villagers, and I think all of them will be willing to take part as long as you don't take things too far. I do have to mention that if you go through with this, several business owners will be taking a financial hit of some level. Convincing them might be more difficult."
"I have more than enough funds in my inheritance to cover any income they may lose" Sasuke replied.
"Perfect!" Kakashi smiled. "I'll find a mission that will take Naruto out of the village for a few days. That should give you enough time to prepare."
"Make sure you order Naruto not to leave Konoha after he gets back," said Sasuke, rising to his feet. "I can't have him leaving his cage after I've sprung the trap."
The Uchiha had plenty of people he still personally had to convince, not the least of which were the rest of his classmates. Of that, though, he wasn't too worried. Shikamaru wouldn't care, Ino was going to get a laugh out of it, Sakura would be on his side anyway as long as he didn't make Naruto suffer too much. Kiba would find it hilarious, and Shino would agree as long as Sasuke acknowledged his presence and remembered his name when he asked him.
Choji might feel empathetic enough to give Naruto a lifeline once the plan really got into motion, but as long as Ino was there to persuade/bully him into playing along, he wouldn't dare incur her wrath.
Hinata would be a bit trickier; she would no doubt feel the need to assist Naruto in his plight.
Still, there was a way around that. While she had certainly become more self-confident, the girl still preferred to be the last one to voice her opinion when her teammates were around. She had been subjected to so many years of Kiba's brash, talk-first-think-later attitude and Shino's impeccable but swift logic that waiting for them to assert their positions or opinions was simply second nature to her at this point. All he had to do was bring up his plan when the three of them were together, get Kiba and Shino on board, and peer pressure would do the rest.
He did feel a little guilty exploiting Hinata's good intentions and mild nature, but it was hardly a matter of life and death. Naruto would get over it. Eventually.
The real obstacle was Kurama.
The plan had no hope of succeeding if the Kyuubi gave Naruto his assistance, so Sasuke was going to have to run it by him first and try to persuade him to stay out of it.
Which was easy enough for the Uchiha; a simple Sharingan glance and he would be in Naruto's inner world, face-to-face with the Demon Fox. Of course, there was no way Sasuke could do that without Naruto being aware of it and following him down to eavesdrop.
Almost no way.
Which was why Sasuke was now maneuvering himself through Naruto's window in the dead of night as the Jinchuriki snored peacefully. It was risky, but if he was stealthy enough then he could open one of Naruto's eyes, go to his inner world, negotiate with Kurama, and make his exit before Naruto could get his bearings. If he was lucky the deep sleeper wouldn't wake up at all.
Normally such an intrusion would have been impossible. Even asleep, Kurama was more than capable of identifying malicious intent and warning his host.
If an assassin had come in, Sasuke had no doubt Naruto would have already piled the intruder with Shadow Clones and Rasengans.
Naruto would receive no such warning, however, if said intruder didn't have any malintent toward him to begin with. Coming merely to talk to the Kyuubi was hardly the same as murdering someone in their sleep.
Like a true Shinobi, Sasuke crossed the distance to Naruto's sleeping form without making a sound before gently opening his right eye.
One small burst of chakra to induce the genjutsu, and the Uchiha was standing in ankle-deep water of Naruto's mindscape, eye-to-eye with the Kyuubi.
For his part, Kurama simply looked at the foreign being with confusion. He had not sensed any ill intent from him, so he was confident the Uchiha was not about to follow in Madara's footsteps and start a rebellion or revolution.
The situation still begged the question as to why he was here. Even if there was no malintent, Sasuke had still decided to break into Naruto's mind without permission. It was unlikely he was here for completely innocent reasons.
"Sasuke Uchiha," the beast spoke, gazing down at said intruder sternly, "why have you come before me?"
"From what I understand," the Uchiha began, "despite being sealed inside Naruto since his birth, you have still been able to sense the world around him. To see what he sees, hear what he hears, and so forth. Am I wrong?"
"That is correct, young one. I am unable to sense his thoughts unless he willfully shares them with me, but I have always been able to look to the outside world through his eyes almost as if they were my own."
"Excellent" the Uchiha smirked, "then you remember the days when Naruto liked to pull pranks and practical jokes on a grand scale across Konoha as well?"
At that the feared Chakra demon once feared throughout the world looked more like a thoroughly befuddled dog; ears slightly lowered and head tilted to the side in a posture that on a pet canine would have been considered cute.
"Yes…" Kurama replied, growing more puzzled by the moment. "Where are you going with this?"
"Did you enjoy them?" the Uchiha questioned, ignoring the Kyuubi's inquiry.
"I suppose I did. I despised both Naruto and Konoha at the time, and was forced to be a simple spectator in my prison, but I will not deny they were amusing at times."
Kurama momentarily drifted away from the conversation as he recalled a number of Naruto's younger days. He had certainly hated all of the Hokage at the time, and seeing that little squirt paint over their revered faces with neon pink paint and top it off with glitter and watch the stunned looks of Konoha's citizenry as they unanimously clutched their pearls at the child-like vandalism had made for more than a few laughs.
Bringing himself back to the present, Kurama returned his gaze to Sasuke before forcing himself from flinching.
The Uchiha was wearing an ear-splitting grin he had seen once before gracing the face of Madara Uchiha before the man had become an absolute death machine against the remaining Allied Shinobi Forces during the War.
"Are you up for a little practical joke on your host?"
Kurama listened intently for the next five minutes as Sasuke explained his plan. The Kyuubi was still in a state of confusion at the beginning, being uncertain as to how Naruto's stick in the mud rival had suddenly decided to take a leaf out of Naruto's handbook. By the end, however, he was wearing an eager grin that rivaled Sasuke's.
"Hehe, haha, HAHA, HAHAHAHAHAHA!" the laughter wouldn't stop. Not that Kurama could help it, for all of the shit Sasuke had put him and his host through, this was a most welcome change. "Damn runt, where was this side of you all your life?"
"Brutally suppressed." The Uchiha answered honestly. "I've told you my plan. Will you interfere?"
"HA, are you kidding?!" Kurama laughed, "Get me some popcorn for this one! Don't you worry, I'll let you have your fun!"
Sasuke smirked in triumph.
"All I needed to hear."
Because it was a day ending in y, Naruto Uzumaki was walking down the streets of Konoha with a smile on his face. He couldn't help it- everything in his life was just going so right!
He had just returned from a mission Kakashi-sensei had sent him on to escort a rather powerful Noble and his family to Konoha, and while he couldn't respond to the man's rather attractive daughter's flirting with a fiancé, he certainly relished the attention and the opportunity to tell a few harrowing tales of his journeys.
Now that they had arrived at their destination and had dropped off his mission report to Kakashi, he could find his fiancé for some private time.
Chuckling to himself, he almost missed the approaching chakra signature of his rival as it landed directly behind him.
Naruto smiled to himself. The bastard never met him right when he got back from a mission unless he wanted a round at the training grounds.
'Seems like he's been bored, he doesn't usually miss me this much. I guess Kakashi-Sensei can wait a few minutes.'
"Hey, Sasuke!" exclaimed the Uzumaki, "You want another spar already? Fine with me- I've got no problem kicking your ass aga-"
Naruto had not even finished turning around to face his rival before he realized Sasuke's Mangekyou Sharingan and Rinnegan were both staring him down. There was barely enough time for him to realize the Uchiha was launching a powerful genjutsu on him before the world went black.
What felt like a moment later, his eyes began to open. Naruto was still disoriented, but he could tell he was isolated from the Sun's rays, in a building or warehouse of some kind.
'What the fuck? Did Sasuke actually put me in a genjutsu?'
It shouldn't have been possible- Kurama could break any such illusion short of Infinite Tsukuyomi. Not even Sasuke could cast an illusion powerful enough to hold him. So how?
With a cold tremor Naruto came to a further realization- he was sitting in a chair with his arms and legs bound. And judging from the ropes, they were imbedded with seals specifically to restrain and limit the chakra of Shinobi.
It was no problem though- Kurama could supply more than enough Chakra to overwhelm just about any restraint.
'Hey, Kurama,' Naruto called, his voice echoing through his mind to his partner, 'lend me a bit of chakra to get out of these ropes, will ya?'
.
.
.
A cold sweat began to appear on Naruto's brow as the seconds passed, and Kurama's expected 'you're so stupid for getting caught in this' retort, followed by a surge in his Chakra, did not materialize.
"No one will help you in here."
The Uzumaki's head shot toward the voice, whom he easily recognized as that of his rival. Internally he was trying not to panic- Sasuke couldn't betray the village again, he just couldn't!
The Uchiha sauntered forward with the grace and leisure of a Leopard who had come across a Gazelle with a broken leg who knew his prey could not escape.
"Sasuke, what the hell are you doing!? Why did you tie me up?"
The Uchiha took a deep breath, his Rinnegan and Sharingan glowing in the gloomy darkness.
"Naruto, do you remember that discussion I had with you after you brought up our last duel at the Final Valley with Team Eight at that bar we were at?"
"Yeah, you said you were starting to get tired of me bringing it up so much and that I was close to crossing… a… line…"
Blue eyes widened in shock.
"Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me!" the Uzumaki shouted. "There is no way in hell you lost your shit over something so fucking small! You seriously kidnapped me for this!?"
"I did not kidnap you. We are still well within Konoha, and I will be letting you leave here after my business with you is complete. You will just be staying here with me for a bit while I get my payback."
At that Naruto began to calm down- Sasuke wasn't leaving or betraying him or Konoha. And if indeed this was a revenge prank, he had nothing to worry about. His rival had been the Golden Boy of the Academy; never missing a class, never making trouble. He hardly had the wealth of experience at causing mayhem that Naruto did.
"And as I mentioned before, you will not be getting any help; least of all from Kurama" the Uchiha explained, a smug grin on his face. "I already discussed this with him, and he was kind enough to agree to let me have my time with you without interfering."
"Tch, so what?" Naruto retorted after a brief pause. "Let's just get this over with. Whatever lame-ass idea you thought up isn't going to get to me anyway."
Sasuke had never really deactivated his eyes after he had revealed himself to Naruto, they had been simply glowing with a soft purple and red light like they always did in such lighting. At Naruto's words, however, they seemed to light up like twin beacons in an almost demonic fashion as he continued to slowly walk forward.
"Oh, really?" the Uchiha challenged, his grin actually growing large enough to barely show his smiling teeth.
"Well then," he continued, "let's get started."
Sasuke walked to several large stacks of boxes, as well as what appeared to be a table with several objects resting on top, all of which were covered with large, white sheets. Naruto had passed over them earlier, assuming they had simply been in the building before Sasuke brought him here, but they were apparently part of whatever half-baked 'prank' the Uchiha had cooked up.
"Sasuke, let's get serious here," the Uzumaki started, giving the Uchiha an almost pitying look, "you've never pulled a practical joke in your life. I spent damn near my whole childhood dreaming of and pulling off pranks of such awesome scale that they are still talked about to this day!"
He leaned forward as far as his bindings would allow, staring down the thus far unflappable Uchiha.
"Whatever idea you thought of for this, I guarantee you I've done it a hundred times over" he confidently stated. "I've seen comrades and friends die in front of my eyes, and I was treated like crap by the villagers when I was just a kid."
Naruto raised his face, looking his rival dead in his eyes.
"There is nothing underneath those sheets that could possibly get to me."
Sasuke merely stared back in silence for a few moments, recording every second of the encounter in perfect detail to his memory since the beginning with his activated Sharingan.
"Challenge accepted."
Sasuke lifted the covering.
.
.
.
Naruto felt his blood turn to ice. His eyes slowly widening in abject horror as cold sweat began pouring from his skin, and his body began to tremble with fear.
"N-n-no…"
The Uchiha simply smiled in response.
"Yes."
"Y-you can't!"
"I can."
"You wouldn't!"
"I would."
The Uzumaki had been grateful mere moments ago that Sasuke would not settle his grudge by turning into Madara 2.0 and begin a new war, but as he laid his eyes on what Sasuke had prepared he couldn't help but feel as though perhaps even that would be a more pleasant experience than what Sasuke had planned.
The table itself held several pitchers of water, several dozen cheap ceramic bowls, and neatly arranged silverware, along with several different spices and salts. A simple wooden chair sat next to it, with a small trash can and a translucent plastic bag to the side.
Behind that, however, was the true horror.
Ramen.
Dozens upon dozens of boxes of instant ramen, all perfectly organized by flavor and brand.
As Naruto felt himself go further into literal shock, he realized that the blessed food before him had not been acquired from a simple trip to the store- it was Naruto's personal ramen.
From his own house.
'K-Kurama, if you can hear me, I really, REALLY need your help right now!'
A low rumble filled Naruto's mind, gradually growing into full-blown laughter that Naruto recognized as none other than the Demon Fox himself.
"Hahaha! Sorry, brat, you're on your own here. It's been too long since you were the butt of a joke, and this is far too good an opportunity to pass up!"
If Naruto had come back to Konoha to find Hinata waiting for him to tell him that she no longer loved him and was calling off their engagement to marry another man, the Uzumaki was sure his heart wouldn't sink as fast as it was right now.
Kurama, his once-adversary that he had fought tooth and nail with his own stubborn will for literally years to befriend, had abandoned him in his hour of greatest need!
"You were right, Naruto" Sasuke stated calmly as he took a seat at the table before him. "I don't have much experience with pranks or other childish antics."
He opened one of the boxes, one Naruto recognized as a standard chicken ramen, pouring it into one of the bowls before adding the water needed and using his chakra to heat and churn the mixture.
"But I don't need to put food coloring in someone's laundry or put large planks of wood on Hashirama's stature to give him buck teeth to know that the best way to achieve true vengeance against an enemy," he continued, beginning to gently stir the ramen with a fork, "is to hit them where it hurts."
Naruto bowed his head, muttering to himself as Sasuke recognized the first of the five stages of grief, denial, start to take hold.
"This is all just a dream… a really, really bad, vivid dream," he mumbled. "Any second I'll wake up in my own bed… and I'll rush to my pantry, and I'll make a buffet of every single kind of ramen I have…"
The Uchiha was not having it.
"You cannot escape your fate, Naruto."
The blonde raised his head, the words spoken to him that sounded so much like those that Neji Hyuuga preached to him in their fight in the Chunin Exams all those years ago echoing in his head far more than when he had first heard them.
"You are not trapped in a dream."
The Uchiha, finally finished with heating the ramen, took a bite-sized portion on his fork, slowly lifting it to his mouth before holding it there in lazy mockery of Naruto's suffering.
"You are trapped in reality."
And with one bite, Naruto's ramen, his personal ramen, was being masticated in the vile fiend's mouth.
For the first time since Neji's death, Naruto felt the indescribable pain of loss. It felt as though a void had opened in his very soul, through which he had lost a piece of his very being that would never return.
He would never taste that bite of ramen. That little slice of heaven that was destined to bring his tastebuds to could nine was gone.
He would never enjoy it.
Not now, not ever.
"Sasuke… how, how…"
He struggled to hold back his tears- he couldn't cry like a child in front of the man who would commit such an atrocity!
"HOW COULD YOU!?"
Sasuke merely chewed in response; slowly swirling the glorious food around his mouth to savor the flavor.
Or at least, that's what any person with any semblance of good taste would be doing. The Uchiha had an expression that was more contemplative, as though he were internally debating what he could add to it to improve what was already perfect.
"Pthew!"
Naruto's eyes widened like dinner plates in inconceivable shock- Sasuke had spat it out!
The Uzumaki continued to stare at the half-chewed ramen lying on the cold ground; the vision vibrating as his eyes literally trembled with disbelief and incomprehensible rage.
Then, from the corner of his vision, he saw the bowl of remaining ramen fly toward its fallen brethren, the bowl shattering with a resounding crack as Naruto literally felt as if his chest was being torn into as many pieces as the destroyed bowl.
"The real question is how you can possibly think that shit tastes good," the Uchiha remarked, practically sneering at the discarded food as though it was a pile of dung on his doorstep. "I'm sure I would have vomited if I had swallowed that garbage."
The moment he finished his sentence the Uchiha turned around, facing the boxes of ramen he had borrowed from Naruto. Locking his eyes on the particular brand and flavor that he had just sent as a sacrificial tribute to the floor, his three-tomoed Sharingan warped into his trademark Mangekyou.
The black flames of Amaterasu erupted on the boxes, ensuring that the disgusting filth within would never plague the world with its evil.
Even with Kurama refusing to give him any chakra, it was a testament to Naruto's indescribable rage that small amounts of his own chakra were escaping from his body in small bursts of gusting wind. They would have started creating streams of vicious wind powerful enough to send anything not nailed to the ground flying through the building's walls if the rope holding the Uzumaki hadn't had its secondary chakra restriction seals activated, bringing the indoor squall to a sudden halt.
Not that Naruto was in any mental state to notice or care.
"I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"
Sasuke noted with a modest amount of pride that Naruto was now more enraged than he had ever seen him. The blonde was straining with all his might, the ropes biting into his limbs almost hard enough to draw blood. Tears of fury and rage began to stream down from blue eyes that were now red with frenzied mania.
"YOU THINK YOU CAN THROW THOSE CREATIONS OF DIVINITY ONTO THE FILTHY GROUND LIKE A TRASHED CONDOM!?"
'So much for not being able to get under his skin' the Uchiha thought to himself as he heated up another bowl of Naruto's ramen.
Naruto may have been the only person on earth who could get Sasuke to lose his temper so easily, but the Uzumaki had clearly forgotten that that feature of their relationship was a two-way street.
"Of course I can," Sasuke stated, calmly stirring the almost-finished second bowl, a beef ramen variant. "You can do nothing. You are helpless."
Naruto continued to stare at him, internally wishing that for once, just once, he had a Mangekyou Sharingan to cast Amaterasu that would incinerate the incarnation of evil sitting before him.
"I am going to continue to eat or destroy every ounce of ramen you own.; and you are going to watch."
The Uchiha lifted his fork again, taking a small sniff of the chosen portion even as he kept his eyes locked with Naruto's.
"And there is nothing you can do about it."
The ramen disappeared into his maw, the Uchiha slowly chewing the bite like before, eyes shifting back and forth as he mulled over the taste.
Instead of swallowing or spitting it, Sasuke kept it in his mouth. He then reached behind him, pulling out a small plastic bag that Naruto could tell held a modest amount of some kind of brown substance in it.
The Uchiha turned to his side, turning the bag upside-down and emptying its contents onto the ground.
Even from his distance away, Naruto recoiled away on instinct. He had done more than enough D-rank missions as a Genin to recognize dog feces when he saw them.
"Pthew!"
Naruto's heart was again gripped with indescribable anguish as he was forced to watch his hated enemy spit out his mouthful of ramen with perfect accuracy straight onto the mound of dung.
He likely would have gone into a state of shock from the trauma, had not Sasuke followed up his crime by throwing the remaining bowl of ramen straight into the pile of feces, the shattering of the ceramic bowl and the sight of the once pure and untainted food of the Gods being so completely and utterly defiled bringing Naruto's rage to heights that the likes of Pain, Obito, and Madara had never managed to bring out.
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER! WHAT THE FUCK!"
"I'm not doing anything wrong, Naruto," said Sasuke mellowly, lighting the other boxes of beef ramen ablaze with black flames as he began preparing a bowl of shrimp ramen. "That flavor was absolutely disgusting."
Red eyes bored into blue counterparts, savoring the pain they saw.
"It's on the floor with the dog shit. Exactly where it belongs."
Naruto's pupils practically disappeared as he began thrashing in his chair with all of his might, not even bothering to return the Uchiha's stare as his head was thrown back and forth to painful angles in his desperation to escape.
"COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER! YOU ARE GOING TO BE SHITTING OUT OF YOUR DICKHOLE WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU!"
Sasuke didn't bother to answer this time. Responding to Naruto's threats would only serve to give Naruto the impression that he still had control of the situation at this point. It would be far more damaging to simply ignore the enraged oaf and force him to accept the fact that he was completely impotent to save what he cared for.
The Uzumaki's screams began to simmer down a bit as Sasuke finished preparing his next bowl, taking a small portion in his mouth just like before.
Despite his seething rage, Naruto was still coherent enough to watch his rival begin to chew his portion, and he was mildly surprised when instead of spitting it out like last time, Sasuke swallowed it instead.
"…That one was better. Hardly appetizing, but if I add a bit of spice to it then maybe it will be barely tolerable."
Naruto's heart began to flutter with hope. Maybe, just maybe, the ramen's divine taste had finally burrowed its way into Sasuke's cold, unfeeling depths.
Surely his friend still had a piece; a shred, of a soul?
Sasuke gently shook the pepper shaker over the bowl, covering the ramen with small flecks of black pepper. Once he had finished, he placed the pepper back to its position next to the salt before taking another bite.
He hadn't used too much of it. Hell, Naruto usually added a bit more than that if he was in the mood to put some spice on his ramen. Pepper tended to go better with shrimp than other kinds of meat anyw-
"Phtew!"
Naruto saw the ramen leave Sasuke's lips in slow-motion as he expelled the offending mass. Small flecks and droplets of ramen and saliva spewed out in a cone of expectoration, showering the ground with the rejected mouthful.
"Never mind, I was wrong" said the Uchiha, calmly wiping his mouth with a small napkin. "I thought some spice would improve it, but it just made it taste like Akamaru had pissed on it."
Every muscle in the Uzumaki's body trembled with fury; his nose flared as his adrenaline-fueled lungs began hyperventilating. His hands clenched so tightly that blood began to pour from the palms of his hands that his fingernails had penetrated in his wrath.
"I AM GOING TO RAPE EVERY TOMATO IN KONOHA! YOU HEAR ME YOU SON OF A BITCH! I AM GOING TO RAPE THEM!"
And so it continued.
Bowl after bowl of ramen sampled and tasted before being discarded like trash.
Ramen littered the ground, pieces strewn across the floor as each and every one of them was spat out.
Each and every box of ramen, one by one, was turned to ashes by the flames of Amaterasu, the all-consuming black fire immolated even the ashes themselves, leaving absolutely no tangible remains of what had once been Naruto's greatest treasure.
As for Naruto himself, all that remained was a broken man.
He had struggled, shouted, and fought with all of his might, but for the first time in his life his herculean force of will was not enough to save that which he loved.
Over the course of the Uchiha's torture, the Uzumaki's resistance slowed, stumbled, and finally died after screaming himself hoarse and thrashing rope burns onto his skin from his fruitless efforts to free himself.
He almost resembled a broken rape victim at this point; empty eyes almost completely dead to the world, his mind desperately trying to build some form of inner sanctum for him to escape from the hell he had just experienced. Ragged breaths were taken much further apart from each other than would be considered healthy, and occasional whimpering and nonsensical mutterings that were so quiet even Sasuke could barely hear them punctuating the silent aftermath.
"Well, that's all of the ramen," Sasuke stated simply, rising to his feet before slowly walking to his rival, taking care to avoid the now numerous distasteful obstacles on the floor. "I take it you'll remember to watch your mouth a bit from now on?"
Naruto didn't look up, merely looking at the floor with less life than a corpse for several moments before what was left of his psyche processed what the Uchiha had asked.
"Y-yeah."
Sasuke almost hadn't heard his response- a mouse would have answered louder.
Still, it was enough.
"Well then, you're free to go."
Before Naruto knew it, the ropes and ties binding him to the chair that had made him bear witness to the orgy of sin that would remain a mental scar for the rest of his life slackened and fell. First one muscle twitched, then another, until finally the Uzumaki weakly pulled himself out of the chair.
Almost immediately, he collapsed to his knees. His cheeks were already red and puffy from what felt like hours of crying from anguish and fury, but his body had just enough hydration remaining for his eyes to become shiny with new tears as he beheld the disgraced ramen on the floor.
It had been so beautiful…
Every noodle, every morsel, an embodiment of perfection…
All destroyed.
Still, there was now a flicker of hope in his heart. The worst was behind him, and if he was still in the village then Ichiraku's was only minutes away at most.
A smile began to from on the blonde's face- it had been a traumatizing experience, but Sasuke had said himself it was over now. He would eat his own weight in his favorite ramen at Ichiraku's, buy enough instant ramen at the store to flood his apartment with the stuff, and then brainstorm how he would take his revenge on the Uchiha.
"Is that a smile I see?"
Naruto looked up, his defiant and stubborn nature rising up like a phoenix from the ashes. Sasuke should have known better; he of all people had to know just how spectacularly futile it was to try and beat him in a test of will and resilience.
But when the Uzumaki looked up and saw his rival, the fear that had left him returned in full force.
Sasuke was smirking. And it wasn't from satisfaction of what he had already done- it was the look of someone who had one more ace in the hole.
"I didn't mention this earlier," the Uchiha began, "but just because I'm done with you here doesn't mean your suffering is over."
Naruto began to sweat bullets. Sasuke was not the type to bluff- if he said the Uzumaki had more torment in store then he meant it.
"Did you know there are seventy-four stores and restaurants that serve ramen in Konoha, Naruto?"
The blonde's blood froze- this couldn't be happening!
"Seventy-four locations in this village that you think you can go to replenish the ramen I just destroyed." He leaned over his rival slightly, casting an ominous shadow. "I hate to tell you this Naruto, but none of them will sell you anything."
The Uzumaki could only stare back in horror as his brain attempted to process what had just been said.
There was no ramen for him in Konoha? Anywhere?
"B-but, why!?" he cried, "What did you do!?"
"You may be the hero of the Fourth Shinobi War and Konoha's savior," Sasuke explained, "but you forget that before you had any of these titles you made quite a name for yourself vandalizing every square inch of the village you could set foot on."
"None of the villagers despise you as they once did; you've more than earned their respect and adoration," he continued. "That does not mean, however, that the shop owners have forgotten that not so long ago they had to spend quite a lot of their time cleaning up the messes you left over from your pranking days. As fate would have it, I have more than enough finances from my family's inheritance to compensate them for any lost revenue from your lost patronage, not to mention more than enough to bribe the ones who needed more 'convincing' to go along with my plan."
Naruto felt himself going into shock yet again as his hands began to tremble. This was a bad dream, it had to be!
"Oh, and one last thing. You won't be allowed to leave Konoha for three weeks."
…
…
…
"W-wh-what?"
"Well, you did such a good job escorting that noble that Kakashi has assigned you to be their escort for their entire stay in our village. As a bodyguard, you will have to follow them everywhere they go- no exceptions."
"B-but, they'll have ramen, right?"
It was pitifully naïve, but it had reached the point Naruto couldn't stop the words from coming out. He was the picture of a man who had been robbed of all he cared about; forced to beg the one responsible for his suffering to spare the single ray of hope he had left.
The cold gaze of his rival showed no such mercy.
Naruto would have nothing.
"I know this may be a hard pill for you to swallow Naruto; but in the circles of the upper-class Ramen is considered a poor man's dish."
At that moment, Sasuke didn't need the Rinnegan to see Naruto's soul almost literally crushed.
This was his darkest hour, and Kurama had abandoned him. The villagers had abandoned him. Konoha, the home that Naruto had protected and loved, had been turned into a cold, ramen-less prison.
For the first time since the Uchiha had known him, Naruto Uzumaki showed pure, unbridled fear.
"None of them would be caught dead with ramen half a mile from their house. And being the good representative of Konoha that the 'Hero of the Fourth Shinobi War' is, I know that Kakashi and the good citizens of this village can depend on you to put aside your personal desires to properly accommodate our esteemed guests for their entire three-week stay."
Sasuke turned around with a whirl, leaving his now hyperventilating rival on the ground to cry over the ashes of both his destroyed treasure and his defeat.
"Have a nice day."
He opened the door, stepping out into the afternoon sun with a satisfied smile as Naruto let out an earsplitting cry of anguish behind him so loud that he would bet the rest of his considerable inheritance the entire village had heard it.
Sasuke Uchiha had managed to accomplish what Orochimaru, Nagato, Obito, and Madara had all failed- he had broken Naruto Uzumaki.
Author's Note: Well, anyone who has seen the series knows that Naruto isn't out for good. He'll pay Sasuke back at some point, sure, but I've had this idea floating around for a while, and let's face it: Sasuke pranking Naruto is by far a rarer read than the other way around.
Hope you all enjoyed it! For those who follow my other story, Uchiha of Remnant, I have not abandoned it. Real life happens, and among other things I did not get laid off or anything during the coronavirus lockdown mess.
Please read and review!
