When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
The keys jingled as they were plopped down in the bowl by the door, breaking the silence of the living room. Erin paid it no mind as she took off her coat and hung it in its usual place, her eyes glancing at the men's leather jacket that was next to it— also in its usual place.
Jay was home.
Erin braced herself for a fight that she knew had been brewing all day. One that she had let simmer when she ignored all of Jay's calls and text messages earlier, asking her if she was okay and where was she? Instead, she had only sent him a cowardice message that she was fine and that she'd be home later.
It was later.
And Erin felt defeated.
There was no fight left in her. Her earlier annoyance and misplaced anger at Jay for going behind her back and digging into her father-no, not her father— had evaporated along with her hopes of finally getting a dad. Now Erin was just a crumbling mess, the picture of a lost and broken woman.
She heard shuffling of footsteps coming from the bedroom and knew that Jay had been alerted to her being home. She schooled her face into a stoic expression— trying to come off as unemotional and affectless. Like she hadn't just been kicked in the teeth and slapped in the face earlier by a man who she had thought to be her father and had given her a fairytale few days of what having a caring father was actually like.
"Erin?" Jay's voice got louder when he came around the corner but he didn't get closer. He remained by the bedroom and stared at her across the ocean of space between them. Their condo wasn't that big but Erin felt like he was miles away all the same, neither of them making a move.
"I'm sorry."
Erin cringed at how her voice sounded. Despite her trying to be strong and give Jay the conversation he deserved, she just couldn't. And she hated herself for it. Why was she so weak? So naive? So gullible?
"I'm sorry," Erin tried again , hoping that the second attempt would come across better. But the softening of Jay's face told her that she failed. In a flash— like a lightning strike— Jay was striding towards her like he was on a mission. He didn't stop until he reached her and pulled her into his arms. Holding onto her so tightly that he knew she'd crumble and fall if he didn't.
Erin tried to push him away, her self-sabotage tendencies screaming in her head about how she didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve Jay's comfort. His understanding. Not when she had callously tossed his good intentions in his face earlier and had ignored his worried calls and sincere apology. She deserved the pain, the hurt, and the anguish of pushing away the person that had always been there for her. That somehow saw past her tumultuous past and her jagged edges and managed to love her with everything he had.
That love— one that he had never been shy about giving to her— was what finally had her giving in and letting herself fall apart. Trusting that Jay would be there to hold her up and afterwards, put her back together.
He made soft shushing noises into her hair, his hand coming to stroke them soothingly. She clung onto Jay, selfishly taking all of the warmth and tenderness he was offering.
"I'm sorry, Jay," she said for the third time— knowing that three times wasn't enough. She had hurt him deeply, she knew. Jay had been just looking out for her, she also knew that. Yet she just couldn't stop herself from lashing out at him. He had been the easy target for her anger and her heartbreak. Why did she always lash out? That she didn't know.
"It's okay," Jay whispered, sounding so sincere that it just brought on more tears for Erin. Because Erin knew that he really did mean it. That Jay didn't mind being her punching bag. But just because he didn't mind did not mean that Erin didn't.
Erin buried her face into his neck, the safest place she knew, and he pulled her closer to him. They were clinging onto each other so close that there was no space for even a piece of paper to go through. Yet Erin felt like it still wasn't close enough so she searched for his skin, burying her hands underneath his shirt to feel his skin underneath her palms.
Erin didn't know how long they stood there in each other's arms, Jay whispering sweet words into her skin as Erin blubbered her apology over and over again. But once she had finally managed to get a hold herself and stop the dam from pouring out more tears, Jay had led her to their bed and gently laid her down on it.
Exhaustion wasn't a strong enough word to describe the lethargy that took over Erin. The events of the day had just taken everything out of her that she couldn't even protest when Jay helped her out of her boots and her clothes until she was just in her bra and underwear. Instead, she just watched as Jay got rid of his shirt so he was just in his boxers and he joined her in bed, making sure that she was completely covered with the blanket before he laid down.
Erin had managed to extract the last few drops of her energy to seek Jay out, meeting him in the middle as he was ready to pull her to him. They came together in the middle of their bed, their bodies fitting together like they always did.
Her hand found home on his chest, right over his heart and her lips pulled into a small smile when she felt the steady beats underneath her hand. If anything, this was a reminder that even though she did her best to fuck things up between them earlier, Jay was still here. He stayed.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Jay asked, almost hesitantly. Gingerly. Like he was expecting her to clam up and push him away again. Erin couldn't lie. That had been her first instinct but she pushed it down. Jay deserved better. He deserved to have her let him in. So she did.
It was hard— excruciating even. She never wanted to relive the memory of confronting Bunny or the heart wrenching moment of Jimmy throwing her baby pictures in her face again. But she plowed through the events— memories she'd already like to forget— Jay's hands on her skin making it easier for her.
She kept her eyes on his chest because she always found it easier to get the words out if she didn't have to see every emotion played out on his face. But the sharp inhales that he took, the tightening grip on her hip and the heaving chest of his told Erin what his reactions were anyway.
He was hurt. He was angry. He was livid. Not at her but for her.
"Fuck him," Jay spat harshly. "Fuck that guy."
If it was any other situation, Erin would've found amusement in Jay's succinct way of encapsulating everything she was feeling. But she found no humor in the earlier encounter from the day. Jay noticed her tensing up and his anger deflated, falling to the wayside so he could prioritize her and how she was feeling.
"It's his loss," he told her with so much conviction in those three words that Erin had to believe him.
"It is," she agreed, her heart lighter when she caught the small smile on his lips. She traced the smile with her fingers, Jay watching her every move carefully. "I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing, Erin."
Erin shook her head. "Let me get this out," she pleaded. She needed Jay to listen to what she had to say so he'd know how apologetic she was. Even if Jay had said that she didn't need to apologize, she needed him to understand that she regretted how she treated him and lashed out at him earlier.
Jay sighed and nodded. His eyes looked at her like he understood her need to say it. "Okay," he whispered.
"I'm sorry," she repeated the two words that were simple enough but carried such heavy remorse and penance behind them. "I know that you were trying to help me. To protect me."
"That's all I ever want to do, Erin. I don't want you to get hurt."
A brief smile crossed her face before it quickly fell. "And instead of appreciating what you did, I threw it back in your face."
"I shouldn't have gone behind your back with the D.N.A test. I'm not exactly blameless in this either," Jay argued, never one to let Erin take the full blame.
"You were trying to protect me before I let myself get fooled any further."
"Doesn't change the fact that I screwed up in doing so. I should've thought of another way to see if Jimmy was legit or not. Or come to you about it. I'm sorry, Erin."
"And I'm sorry for lashing out at you," Erin stated, pouring all the sincerity she could. "I don't even know why I do these stupid things. Why I sabotage myself and lash out at the people who give a damn about me. Can you forgive me?"
Jay's face split into a smile, the answer already evident without him needing to say it. But he spoke the words anyway. "I've already forgiven you, babe." He held her face, his thumb brushing across her jaw. "And I don't think you sabotage yourself."
She chuckled mirthlessly. "Then what would you call it? Why do I constantly push you away and take my anger and hurt out on you?"
"Because you trust me." Erin lifted her head to meet his eyes. "You trust me enough to feel safe enough to 'lash out' as you call it. Trust that even after everything— no matter what— I wouldn't go anywhere. That I'd be there for you whenever you need."
Erin pondered Jay's words over in her head. There was no doubt in her head about whether she trusted Jay. She would blindly place her life in his hands without a second thought. But was he right about everything else? Her mind went back to when she first came to live with the Voights' and the less than smooth transition period she had. She remembered how she constantly rebelled against Hank and Camille, like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. To see if her latest action would finally be the thing that would get her kicked out. It was only over time that did she began to trust and feel settled with the Voights. That they wouldn't kick her out at the sight of her first screw-up.
Was she doing the same to Jay? Like she needed to see how far she could push him and have him be around? That sounded so incredibly terrible.
"I do trust you, Jay," she promised. "And I don't need to test you to know that you'd be there for me, no matter what." She placed her hand on his chest. "You know how I know that?" Jay shook his head. "Because you've done nothing but prove it ever since I've known you. You've been there for me through everything. Charlie, Nadia, all the curveballs my life has thrown at us. You've never wavered or made me doubt you. You've stayed."
Jay's arm came around her, encasing her in his safe embrace. "And I always will. I'm not going anywhere. No matter what the world throw at us next, I'll always be there to hold you just like this whenever you need me to."
The sincerity in his promise brought tears to Erin's eyes and a soothing calmness to her soul. She rested her head on Jay's chest, the steady beats of his heart greeting her. Erin didn't say a word. When she felt Jay's lips brushed over her hair, Erin realized she didn't need to.
No words were necessary between them anymore tonight. Just the fact that she came back and Jay stayed and they were in each other's embrace tonight said everything they both needed to.
They'd be just alright.
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
The calls went unanswered and the notification remained unread as Jay's phone sat somewhere in his apartment. He didn't care where it was or who was trying to reach him at this time of night. He didn't need to hear any more people trying to placate him or offer him sympathy.
His father was dead.
And there were no words anyone could say that could change it.
He poured himself another glass of whiskey and leaned back against his couch, nothing but silence accompanying him. It was his only company tonight. Well, aside from his grief and tormenting thoughts in his head.
His phone went off again from somewhere in the apartment. Once again, Jay let it ring and ring until whoever that was on the other side gave up. He knew it wasn't work, not after Voight had given him some time off to grieve the loss of his last remaining parent. Like it was his duty as the son.
Only Jay didn't know how. How should he grieve the loss of a parent that always made him hate himself? To grieve the father that never once uttered the words 'I'm proud of you, son' even though Pat Halstead knew that it was all Jay wanted to hear.
Instead Pat held back those words like it was a national secret that he was supposed to guard. And Jay had to find out from old newspaper clippings that hey, maybe his father didn't think he was such a screw-up. The black sheep of the Halstead family.
Instead of feeling touched that his father might've actually loved him, Jay was pissed.
And the thought of holding anger toward the deceased made him hate himself even more.
It was a vicious cycle. One that he didn't know how to break.
The liquor burned his throat as it went down, his stomach feeling the warm liquid settling in. He eyed the whisky bottle as it sat on the coffee table, almost empty. He saw flashes of the person who gave him the bottle less than a year ago and Jay tossed his head back on the couch, clenching his eyes shut. Anything to get her hazel eyes and her dimpled smile out of his mind.
Because if he let his mind linger on her too long, all he'd be able to think about would be how she would know what to say, what to do right now. How to touch him, how to kiss him and how to hold him so lovingly— so tenderly— that he'd feel nothing but her. She'd overwhelm all of his senses and his mind that there wouldn't be any room left for his grief.
But she wasn't here. She hadn't been here for almost a year now. It was time for Jay to accept it.
He pinched the bridge of his nose like he was forcing the thoughts of Erin out of his head by doing so.
Knock, knock, knock.
Jay ignored the sound. Let whoever that thought it was a good idea to come over leave after not hearing from him. He wasn't in the mood for company.
The knocks continued, the unknown person on the other side clearly not giving up. They were obviously up for a battle against him— to see who'd give in first.
Jay growled as he stood up and stomped over to the door, itching for a fight. He had only given in just so his neighbors wouldn't start complaining about the noises.
"What?" he grunted as he swung the door open, his heart coming to a stuttering stop.
The first thought that came to his mind when he saw Erin on the other side, her hand hanging in the air as she was in the midst of knocking on the door, was that he was clearly imaging her. He glanced over at the whiskey bottle on the table, trying to calculate just how much he had to drink tonight.
Because there was no way Erin could possibly be here. She wasn't real. He was clearly imagining her. His heart had cried out for her so much that his brain had fooled itself into envisioning her in front of him. If he just reached out and touched her, she'd disappear. He was sure of it.
His breath sharpened when his shaky hand touched her soft skin instead of air like he'd been expecting. She wasn't a mirage. A fantasy of Jay's deepest desire. She was real.
Erin was here.
She had come back for him.
"What are you doing here?" Jay found himself asking all the same. His voice trembled and wavered.
"I heard about your father," Erin replied softly. Jay closed his eyes at the sound of her voice because he hadn't heard it in such a long time. And he had accepted that he'd never be able to hear it again.
"How did you find out?"
"Hank," Erin said, her mouth tilting downward in a sad frown. "He called me and I took the first flight I could as soon as I found out."
Jay narrowed his eyes. "Why?" he asked, catching even himself by surprise at the anger in his question. But that was him these days. He was so filled with anger— at himself, at his father, at the guy who was responsible for his father's death, at her— that he was bound to burst at some point. After all, anger made for a better emotion than deep, debilitating sorrow.
"Why do you think Jay?" she returned his question with a question of her own. Because I love you. Because I want to be there for you, went unspoken.
Jay scoffed. "I have no clue, Erin. No fucking idea why you're here in front of me. Not when you ignored my calls months ago when I needed you. What changed this time? What's different about today?"
"Can I come in?" Erin asked, ignoring his questions for the moment. Jay clenched his jaw, debating if he should slam the door in her face and kick her out of his life forever. But who was he fooling? There was no way he'd be able to do that so he stepped aside, Erin stepping inside his new apartment.
He led her to the living room before plopping himself on the couch. She sat down on the empty space next to him, her eyes on the whiskey bottle. Her last birthday present to him. The concern and worry in her eyes shone as she took in the nearly empty bottle, evidence of how shitty the last year had been for Jay and the unhealthy way he coped with it.
He bent over to pour himself another glass, ignoring the heat of Erin's eyes as she watched what he was doing.
"Jay," she called him softly.
"Stop," he gritted out. "You have no room to talk. Not when you weren't here." He was about to take a sip when Erin grabbed the glass out of his hand and placed it on the table.
"I'm here now," she said.
"Too little, too late," he shot back, reaching for the glass but she kept it out of his reach. "Really, Erin?"
She lifted her eyebrow, almost like a challenge. He just scoffed and got up to grab a beer out of his fridge, making sure to slam the door to make his annoyance known. But Erin didn't fluster, she didn't back down. Instead she walked over to him and took the beer out of his hand, pouring the liquid down the drain.
"What the hell?" Jay shouted. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Stopping you from crawling any deeper into the bottle," Erin replied, slamming the now empty bottle on the counter and crossing her arms. "This isn't you, Jay."
He chuckled derisively. "How would you know? Maybe I've changed in the past year. Stop acting as though you still know me, Erin."
"I do know you. I know you better than anyone, Jay," Erin stated, her voice confident. Jay just rolled his eyes and went back over to the couch. He dropped his face in his hands, trying to block everything out. He felt the couch dip when Erin sat down. Her hand came to hold his wrist, gently tugging at it so she could see his face. "I know how hard you've worked to get to a place where you weren't constantly drowning your problems with alcohol. How the badge and the job saved you and gave you a purpose. I know you enough to know that you don't want to go back to that place. Where you're black out drunk and reckless. I know all that and I know that a year apart didn't change that."
He took in a shaky breath, failing to keep his emotions hidden. She would've seen through them all any way.
"I know a little bit of what you're feeling right now, Jay," Erin continued, her thumb caressing his wrist soothingly. "Losing someone you love, especially so suddenly, it's hard as hell. One day, they're there and the next, they're just gone. And all you can think of is everything you should've said while they were still here. All the things you kept to yourself, thinking you had more time."
Like the words 'I love you, dad' instead of 'ungrateful prick'.
"And all you feel is anger. Anger at them being gone too soon. Anger at the person who took them away. Anger because it's easier to feel than grief." Jay kept his eyes closed as Erin's words made their way in his ear. She understood. She always did. "It's easier to crawl into a bottle and just try to make yourself forget even for a second. I understand that. I've been there, I've done the same thing."
Jay flashed back to how Erin went spiraling after Nadia's death. How she had slipped through his fingers and how worried and terrified he was about possibly losing her for good. Was that why she came back? Because she felt the same fear about possibly losing him? Of him slipping this time?
"Why are you here Erin?" Jay asked again, meeting her eyes. Erin gave him a smile— small and sad— as she scooted closer to him.
"You were there to reach in and dig me out of my hole once upon a time and now it's my turn," Erin answered. "Because…." she sucked in her breath like she was gathering courage to say the next few words. "Because that's what we do for the people we love."
'Love'.
Not 'loved'.
Jay searched her eyes, expecting her to correct herself. Expecting her to pull the rug out from underneath him again and take back that love. But she held his gaze, unwavering. There was no regret in those hazel eyes. Nothing but a look of love that he used to revel in when they were still together. A look so mighty and overwhelming that his anger stood no chance against it, quickly crumbling away along with the walls he set up against her.
Without another word, she wrapped him up in her arms, holding onto him so tight.
It felt like coming home.
Like he had been wandering around an endless desert— aimless and lost— for ages but now he found his way home. It felt too good to be true.
He brought his arms around her just to make sure that she was actually real. She felt his breath of relief on her skin and she squeezed him closer, like she could read his thoughts.
"I'm here," she promised. "I'm sorry that I wasn't before but I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere."
Finally, the dam broke and the grief that he had been holding back came roaring down. A flood of raw emotions too powerful and too devastating to stop as Jay let himself break down in her arms, tears wetting her skin. But it was okay. Jay would be able to withstand the onslaught of the flood because Erin was here to hold him up. To keep him upright and on his feet. And even if he did happen to fall and wash away,, she'd be right there to pull him out.
After all, she did come back for him.
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
Adorable.
That was the only word that came to Jay's mind as he watched Erin dance with Travis, Annie's son. She looked breathtakingly beautiful in her soft lavender maid-of-honor dress that she upstaged the bride. Then again, Jay was biased.
He looked across the room and saw the same amused smile on Annie as he had on his face. He was happy for Annie's best friend and how she found a man worth marrying and becoming a step-father to Travis.
He caught Annie's eyes and she gestured over to their two respective favorite people on the dance floor, before she turned back and winked at him. Jay just chuckled, entertained by Annie's less than subtle suggestion that it might be him and Erin one day, having their first dance at their wedding.
If only.
But Jay knew about Erin's stance on marriage. She had always been dubious about the need for marriage and he suspected that it hadn't changed over the years. Jay knew of Erin's reservations and honestly after learning of the hell that was Erin's childhood, he couldn't blame her for not wanting to get married.
He certainly wasn't going to pressure her or make her conform to his needs. He loved her. She loved him. They were committed to each other. That was all he needed.
Erin ruffled Travis' hair after the song was over and Annie stepped in to dance with her son. Erin came back to where Jay was sitting and he patted his thigh for her to sit. She sat on his lap and looped an arm around his neck, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"Not up for dancing?" she asked, wiping away her lip gloss that had gotten on his face.
He shook his head. "I much prefer to watch you dance. Besides, I don't want to upstage the bride and groom with my awesome dance skills."
That got a laugh out of Erin and he grinned, proud of himself. He always wanted to make Erin laugh because he swore her laughter— deep and rich— was his favorite sound in the whole entire world.
"I have to see these supposed awesome skills one day, Halstead," Erin teased, smirking. "And what better day than today?" she challenged as she got up suddenly and pulled him onto his feet. Jay tried protesting but Erin was strong than she looked. Soon enough, he found himself on the dance floor and surrounded by other dancing couples.
"Erin," he whined, not wanting to make an ass of himself. Contrary to him boasting earlier, in actuality his dancing skills were pretty much non-existent. He wasn't a dancer. The best he could do was sway back and forth like an out-of-place robot and prayed that he didn't step on his dance partner's feet.
But Erin wasn't hearing it. She brought her arms around his neck and laced her fingers together and pulled him closer.
"Come on, Jay," Erin replied, giving him those irresistible pouty lips. He tried to hold out but knew it was futile anyway. She grinned triumphantly, knowing that she had him wrapped around her fingers. "Ah, look. It's a slow song now so you don't even have to show off those dance skills."
He rolled his eyes indulgently and wrapped his arms around her waist, their bodies now flushed against each other. They began moving back and forth, their bodies swaying in rhythm with the love song playing in the back. Jay felt self-conscious at first, like everyone was watching him make a fool out of himself but when Erin gazed up at him with stars in her eyes, everything and everyone just faded away and disappeared.
All he could see was her.
He pulled her closer and Erin pressed her face in the crook of his neck, their hands laced together and resting on his chest. Erin was humming softly along with the song and Jay closed his eyes, just taking in the moment.
It was perfect. It was beautiful. Jay would've made an ass of himself in front of the world if it meant he could have moments like this with Erin.
But the song was over too soon and so was the dance. Erin decided she had enough to torturing Jay and pulled them off the dance floor. Jay led Erin back to their table before going over to the bar to grab them a drink.
As he waited for their drinks, his eyes remained on Erin, especially when an uncomfortable look came across Erin when Annie went over and pulled Erin into a conversation. His curiosity piqued as he watched the two of them and wondered what they were talking about. He quickly grabbed the drinks and headed back over, catching the tail end of the conversation.
"...first dance," Annie said. "You two are so cute together."
"Annie," Erin tried to interject but the bride was too filled with excitement and maybe a little champagne.
"I better be your maid of honor, Erin. That's all I'm saying," Annie cut Erin off and Jay suddenly understood Erin's reaction. Apparently, Annie was talking Erin's head off about them getting married, obviously having seen them on the dance floor. Erin just nodded along, her body language doing all the talking about how much she didn't want to be having this conversation.
"Got your drink," Jay chimed in, coming to Erin's rescue. She gave him a grateful look and took the drink off his hand. He sat down next to Erin and finally Annie excused herself. Jay studied Erin carefully and wondered what she was thinking. Her lips were pulled into a tight line, so far from the happy and carefree expression that was on her face earlier.
That wouldn't do. He didn't want her to think too much into what Annie was saying and bring her mood down. Erin looked lost in thought, consumed by whatever thoughts that her short conversation with Annie brought to her mind. She didn't even notice him when he began caressing her shoulder, frowning when he felt how cold her skin was.
He stood up and took off his suit jacket and draped it over Erin. That finally seemed to snap Erin out of her thoughts and she finally met his eyes.
"Thanks," she mumbled, pulling his jacket closer to ward off against the chill of the night. Outdoor weddings were nice but no one really accounted for the impracticability of being in dresses as the night wore on.
"Are you okay?" he asked, the question almost rhetorical. A small smile formed on her face as Erin nodded, a complete contrast to the conflicted look in her eyes. Jay sighed and took Erin's hand, holding it with his own gently. "Don't think too much of what Annie said."
Her eyes widened ever so slightly, surprised that he had heard the tail end of their conversation. "You know?"
Jay nodded. "She's been hinting at our wedding the whole day too," Jay confessed. Erin closed her eyes in dismay. "Hey," he called her softly. "I think Annie's just excited and caught up in her own wedding. That's why she's probably going around, insisting every couple here tonight to get married."
"It's not just tonight," Erin revealed. "She's pretty much been on my case since we started planning her wedding."
"Really?" Jay pressed his lips together.
Erin nodded. "I love Annie and I know she only has good intentions. But I just wish…"
"She would shut up about us getting married?" Jay finished.
"Jay," Erin voiced, an apology already on her lips. "It's not that...it's not that…" she stuttered, having a hard time finding her words.
"It's not me, it's you?" Jay chimed in. He gripped Erin's hand tighter. "Erin, it's okay. I know your opinion on marriage. This isn't news to me."
"What do you mean?"
"I know you don't want to get married," he replied with a smile that was meant to reassure her that he understood that her reservations about marriage weren't about him. "I'm fine with it."
"You are?" Erin asked, not quite believing him. Jay nodded. Erin bit her lips. "You're fine with us not getting married?"
"Erin, I'm fine with us not getting married. As long as we're spending the rest of our lives together, I could care less about us being married or not," Jay asserted honestly. He wasn't expecting to have this conversation tonight while they were at a wedding. But he knew it was wearing heavily on Erin and if Annie had been pressuring her the whole time they planned Annie's wedding, Jay didn't want to wait to make sure Erin knew that there was no pressure on her.
"It's not that I'm completely against marriage," Erin confessed quietly. Jay tried to tame his reaction at the unexpected confession. "At least, I'm not anymore."
"You're not?"
"I've never really thought much about it before. Growing up, I was certain that I'd never get married. I mean, I only had like one example of a good marriage and I saw how devastated Hank was when Camille got taken away too soon. I never had a good reason to consider otherwise. At least, I didn't until I met you," Erin admitted.
Jay smiled, stroking her hand with his thumb. "Me too," he replied. It wasn't as though he had many examples of a successful marriage around him either.
"And I don't know," Erin continued. "Ever since I've been helping Annie plan her wedding and Annie's hints about me being the next to get married, I've been thinking about it a lot."
"And what do you think?" Jay asked.
Erin shrugged. "I'm still conflicted." Erin looked at him carefully, almost scared that she was going to disappoint him with her answer. But she didn't. He knew it wouldn't be easy for Erin to suddenly change her mind about marriage and he also knew that he wasn't the reason for her doubts.
"And that's fine, Erin," Jay reassured her. "You don't need to change your mind. I'm happy with the ways things are between us."
"Really?" she asked. "If it's a deal breaker for you Jay, then it's….okay," she told him, getting the last word out slowly like it pained her.
"It's not," Jay quickly countered.
"But I know you want to be married. I know you want a marriage and a wedding. If I can't give that to you then maybe I…"
"I want you," Jay interjected. "You are all I want." He could see that she was about to argue with him, to let him go because she thought it was better for him. She was stupidly selfless that way. But he wouldn't give her the chance. "Erin, I don't need a ring or a piece of paper or some lavish party to know that I want to spend forever with you."
"Jay, all I want is for you to have everything you want."
"I do," Jay exclaimed. "I have you right? That's all I want."
"I just want you to be sure. I'm not saying never on marriage, Jay. But I also can't promise you that I'll change my mind about getting married. I just don't want you to give up what you want in life because you don't want to lose me. I can't stand the thought of you waking up one day and regret choosing to be with me."
Jay's heart clenched at what Erin said. How could she ever think that he could ever regret being with her? Didn't she realize just how much he was in love with her? How she had him from the very first moment they met?
"That is impossible," Jay said with all the conviction he had. "I will never regret being with you. As your boyfriend, your partner or your husband. I don't care what my label is, as long as I'm with you." He took Erin's hand and placed it on his chest, hoping that she could feel his heartbeats. After all, they were all for her. "Erin, I'm not a newcomer in your life. I'm not in the dark about what you've been through or why you think the way you do. I know you, inside and out. Just like I knew from the start that we'd end up together."
"You did not," Erin said, laughing softly.
"I did," Jay insisted. "I knew from the moment we met that we belonged together. Why do you think I started planning our retirement a month into our relationship?"
Because that was what he did. Even before they made their relationship official and they were still sneaking around Voight's back, Jay had already fallen and he had fallen hard for her. With the giddiness of a schoolgirl and excitement of a child on Christmas morning, he had begun telling her about his favorite and sacred place— his cabin in Wisconsin. He had already envisioned it so clearly in his head even then. The two of them growing old and gray together and retiring to the cabin. They'd spend days taking hikes and fishing and spend nights making love. That vision hadn't changed even through the bumps in their relationship. When times got hard and things looked bleak, Jay just held onto that dream closer to his heart.
"Because I had your from the start?" Erin guessed, the heaviness and conflicted expression from earlier gone from her face and now replaced with something lighter.
"I'll concede. You did," Jay replied, knowing there was no point in denying it. "I've always known that I belonged with you. Marriage or no marriage."
Erin smiled, her dimples making their appearance again. She held his face and gazed into his eyes. "I belong with you too," she whispered, leaning in to brush their noses together. "And while I'm still unsure about marriage in general, I have no doubts about us. You're the only thing I'm sure about, Jay. I need you to know that."
He laid a soft kiss on her nose, Erin closing her eyes at the action. "I know," he whispered before pressing his lips against hers.
That was all he needed to know.
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
Everything in his body ached. The pain was excruciating and never ending. His eyes were swollen to the point that he could barely see out of them. It took all of his strength to open his eyes and flip his body around to take in the rest of his surroundings.
Two bodies laid on the ground a few feet away from him. Unmoving. Dead.
An anguished sound escaped him and it burned his throat from the lack of water. Had it been a day? Two? Three? He didn't know. He had lost all track of time from the moment his cover got blown and he was taken hostage.
Now the two other cops that were undercover with him were dead. He was alone.
He tried to move but his body screamed out in pain. He bit his tongue, holding back as much as he could. He didn't want to let his captors know that they could break him. He didn't want to let them win. He tried again but to no avail. Almost like his body had given up on him after the beating it took in the past few days of capture.
But Jay knew he couldn't give up. He had to live. He had to survive. He had things he still had to do with Erin. Erin was waiting for him to come home. She was his reason to fight. To live.
Then the door opened and Jay heard heavy footsteps enter the room. Jay could barely lift his head up to see Hector, the head of the drug ring — one that they had been after for ages— walked over to the two bodies and kicked them.
"Too bad," the guy tsked. "Already dead. I was hoping to have more fun with them."
Jay clenched his jaw, anger filled him with how callous the guy sounded at someone's death. Then Hector's attention fell on Jay and he came over to him and bent down. Jay glared at the man, not letting on about how hurt he was.
Hector smirked. "I really thought we had a good thing going for a second, man," he began to speak. "That I had finally found someone I can trust for my operations. You know I was going to make you my second, Ryan? Oh, I mean Jay." Hector gripped Jay's jaw, tugging his head up painfully. Jay remained strong, not showing just how much it pained him. "You lied to me. You broke my trust," Hector spat. "I trusted you. I let you into my operations and the whole time, you were a fucking cop?"
Jay grunted when Hector released him and he fell back on the ground in a heap. Then Hector stepped on his back, this time Jay unable to hold back the cry of pain. It hurt too much.
"You know what I do to people who betray me?" Hector continued to taunt him. A sinister laugh came from the guy. "You might think you're lucky now that you're still alive. But Jay, you're going to wish you were dead like these two pretty soon."
"Never," Jay gritted out, trying to get Hector off of him. But all that did was earned him another kick on his back. Hector stepped off him and flipped him around with his feet so he could stare down at Jay.
"Mark your words," Hector replied. "You're gonna beg for the sweet mercy of death soon enough."
Jay just smirked. There was no way he'd ever do that. Death wasn't an option for him. Not when Erin was still waiting for him to come back to her. He wouldn't and couldn't leave her alone to deal with the cruel world by herself. He had seen what Nadia's death had done to her. He could never do that to Erin by giving up.
"Not gonna happen," Jay spat.
All that did was spur Hector on. "Oh tough guy. You think you're gonna make it out of here alive?" Hector mocked. "Okay how about this tough guy? One chance," he said as he took out a set of keys and threw it across the room. "If you can get the keys, then I'll let you go. Alive."
Jay stared at the set of keys on the ground before shifting to Hector. The guy looked smug and amused, like he was excited to see how Jay could even get to the keys in the state he was in. Jay was battered and bruised all over. He could barely move his legs, let alone get up and grab the keys.
"Go ahead," Hector snickered. "Go get the keys."
Jay saw the smug look on the other man's face. Clearly, Hector wasn't expecting Jay to try. He was expecting Jay to give up.
Conceding wasn't an option for him. Not when he had so much to live for. Erin flashed through his head and he longed to see her beautiful face again. He wanted to hear her voice, telling him that she loved him, and he wanted her touch, his body always responding eagerly. He wanted to hear her sing out loud when she thought no one was around, he wanted to eat her cooking even though she burned them half of the time. There was so many more things he wanted to do with Erin and he wouldn't get to do them if he didn't make it out.
Gritting his teeth, he fisted his hands and he began to crawl. He didn't care if he was humiliating himself in front of Hector or how pathetic he looked as he crawled on the floor like an invalid. His only thought was on getting the key and making it out alive.
Every inch of progress came with a ton of pain. Jay felt every bone and every nerve in his body screaming for him to stop moving. But he didn't give up. With Erin's face in his mind, he surged on slowly but surely. It felt like hours, time crawling almost as slowly as he did, but he finally reached the keys.
Reaching out to grab it, Jay screamed out in pain when Hector stepped on his hands, crushing his fingers underneath his heavy boots.
"You didn't really think it'd be that easy, did you?" Hector sneered before breaking out into a loud laughter. "That was quite a show you put on for me. I wish I recorded it. Put it on tape so that bitch of yours could watch it over and over again." Jay's blood ran cold at Hector's words and him bringing Erin into the conversation. "Give her something to remember you by."
"Shut the fuck up," Jay growled but all that earned him was more mocking laughters from Hector. Hector took a step back so he could watch Jay on the floor.
"She's certainly a looker," Hector continued, unwary to the pure rage that was growing in Jay at the mention of Erin. "She'll need comforting after you're gone. I can do that. Give her a real good fucking so she'd forget all about you."
All bouts of self-restraints in Jay shattered at the last statement and all Jay saw was red. With all the strength he had, Jay reached out and grabbed Hector's ankles and pulled him down. Hector, obviously caught off guard by the sudden attack, fell to the ground in a graceless heap.
Fueled by complete rage, Jay jumped on Hector. He was blinded by anger and rage, giving his body the strength and adrenaline it needed to hold Hector down. He swung his fist repeatedly— some punches landing and others not— while Hector got in a few good blows of his own.
But Jay wasn't going down without a fight. Even if it meant he had to use every last ounce of his strength to do so. Even if it took everything out of him. Even if it meant he had to use his last breath to fight. If it meant he'd get to see Erin again, it was a last breath well-spent.
Hector landed a good blow to Jay's face and he toppled over, Hector now on top of him. Jay tried to dodge the hits with his arms, doing his best not to just pass out from the pain.
Then he heard someone kick the door open, the door slamming loudly against the wall. Hector ceased attacking him when the new intruders entered the room where Jay was kept.
"Chicago Police!"
Jay could cry in relief at hearing his team finally finding him and coming to rescue him. Someone pulled Hector off of him and dragged him away.
"Hey, Halstead." Jay lolled his head to the side to see Atwater kneeling down, looking at him worriedly. "You okay man? It's alright. We're here now, man. You're gonna be okay."
That was the last words Jay heard before he passed out, finally feeling safe to give in to the pain.
The next time Jay woke, it was the blinding white lights and white walls of a hospital room greeting him instead of two dead bodies. He had been rescued. He was safe.
But there was still something gnawing at him. His heart was still unsettled.
It was only when he felt the weight of Erin's head on his hand that was resting on the bed that things finally shifted back to its rightful place in his world. Erin was here.
He slowly brought his other hand over so he could feel her, ignoring the pain that filled him at the movement. He didn't care. He touched her face— softly and tenderly— doing his best not to wake her up. She looked exhausted, like this was the first sleep she had in days. He knew he was the cause of that. She must've been scared out of her mind when he had been missing. He knew he'd be out of his mind if she had been the one that was missing.
He felt Erin shift as she began to wake up.
"Hi," he said, his voice gruff and raspy. Erin gasped when she noticed that he was awake and she jumped to her feet, coming closer so he could see her beautiful face better.
"Jay," she started, her lips trembling with relief and happiness. "You're awake. You're okay."
He smiled, just relishing in how good it felt to see her again. To hear her voice again. To feel her fingers caressing his face again. He had almost lost it all.
"Thank you," he whispered, resisting the painful cries of his body so he could brush away her tears that were now freely falling down her face.
"What are you thanking me for?" she asked, blubbering through her tears. "I almost lost you."
"You saved me," Jay stated. Erin looked at him confused and worried like he had gotten a few too many hits to his head.
"I didn't do anything."
"You did," Jay argued. "You're the reason I didn't give up. You were all I thought about. You saved me, Erin."
That had Erin crying harder and neither could them wipe away her tears fast enough. Erin leaned down and rested her head on his. "I'm so happy that you're okay, Jay. Thank you for coming back to me."
Jay closed his eyes, just taking a moment to enjoy the closeness. "I'll always come back to you, Erin," Jay promised. "I'll always come home."
The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
"I can't even talk to you right now!" Erin shouted in frustration. Why wasn't Jay listening to her about this? Why wasn't he hearing her? "She's my mother Jay!"
"Yeah I know that but it's fucking Bunny, Erin," Jay argued. "Let's face it, she hasn't been a mother to you since you were five!"
Erin growled. "So what? I'm just supposed to abandon her? Just turn my back on her when she needs me? She had a stroke, Jay. She can't move. She can't talk. She can't do anything for herself. She needs someone to help her."
"It doesn't mean it has to be you," Jay pointed out.
Erin looked at Jay, baffled. How could he expect her to abandon her mother right now? Bunny was a shell of herself. Years of abusing drugs and alcohol had led to her body finally giving out on her. Now after her stroke, she could barely take care of herself. If Erin didn't step up, no one would.
"It has to be me. There's no one else," Erin argued. "It has to be me."
Jay rubbed his face, a clear sign that he was beyond frustrated with her. She knew she had been slacking on their relationship lately. With her demanding career and now caring for her ill mom, Erin felt like she was being pulled in all directions. Her days consisted of working around the clock and nights consisted of taking care of Bunny when her nurse went home. Erin was trying to get a live-in nurse for Bunny but with the demands being so high for one, it was hard to find one so quickly.
She knew she couldn't blame Jay for being frustrated. He was probably feeling neglected, like he wasn't important. Erin hated herself for making him feel this way. She was doing her best, trying to juggle everything and everyone, but there was only so much time in a day to do everything she needed to do.
She approached him carefully and held his wrist. "I'm sorry," Erin apologized. "I know I've been slacking off on us and I've been a less than ideal girlfriend."
Jay sucked in his breath. "What? Is that why you think I'm mad? Because I think I haven't been getting enough attention from you?" Erin just looked at him, wondering why else. Jay scoffed. "Erin, I'm not mad at you. I'm worried as hell about you."
That wasn't what she was expecting to hear. "What?"
Jay sighed. "Have you looked at yourself lately? You're so thin. You have dark circles underneath your eyes. You barely sleep. You only eat when I remind you to. You're working yourself to the bones and it scares the shit out of me."
"I'm fine, Jay."
He held her shoulder so she had to look at him. Now that she was, she could see the worry and concern in his eyes instead of the anger and frustration she was expecting to see.
"No you're not. You're stretching yourself too thin. I don't want you to work yourself until you pass out. You can't keep going like this, especially not for…."
Jay stopped before he said what he wanted to say but Erin knew it anyway. Jay didn't think that Bunny was worth her effort. But Erin couldn't just turn her back on her mom, no matter how hard she tried or how much she knew that Bunny didn't deserve it. Why didn't Jay see that?
"She's my mom, Jay," Erin protested. "No matter what she has done to me in the past, she needs me now and I can't turn my back on her."
Jay smacked his lips, about to argue her point when her phone went off. She closed her eyes and sighed, hearing Bunny's special ringtone. Her mom was beckoning.
"I have to go," she mumbled, pulling away from Jay.
"Wait," Jay called, pulling her back. "You don't have to go running the second she calls, Erin. Her nurse has her settled for the night. Bunny's only calling because she knows that you'll come running."
"What else am I gonna do?"
"I don't know? How about take a nap? Rest? Eat dinner? Put yourself first for once and take care of yourself. Before you collapse in exhaustion."
Erin laughed, no humor or amusement in it. She wished it was that simple. But there was no way she could do that.
"I have to go pick up Bunny's medicine then run to the store to grab a few more things for her," Erin muttered, putting on her jacket. She looked over at Jay and saw him scratch his forehead. That was Jay's tell whenever he was worried. She hated that she did this to him.
"I know you can't understand this, Jay," Erin said as she walked back over to him and held his shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"I'm just worried about you Erin," Jay replied. "I just don't want anything happening to you."
"I know," she said, giving him a small smile. "But I have to do this." She leaned in, hoping that he wouldn't push her away for a quick kiss. "You go to sleep okay? I'll be back as soon as I can."
She hated leaving him like this. Jay had been more than patient with her and how her focus had been mostly on Bunny. He deserved better.
After running around several stores and pharmacies, Erin was completely exhausted. She felt exhaustion seep into her bones as she entered Bunny's apartment. She just hoped that Bunny was in a better mood. Her mom had changed ever since her health declined. While Bunny was never the most cheery person before, the stroke had changed her for the worse. Now she was moody and rude, always spitting out harsh words at her caretakers. All Erin could was just take it, knowing that it wasn't Bunny's fault.
She took off her coat after she entered the apartment, her attention caught on the loud crash and voices coming from the kitchen. Worried, Erin walked over, keeping quiet just in case it was an intruder. Because as far as she knew, Bunny was supposed to be alone.
"Idiot. Useless idiot," she heard Bunny slurred, cussing out whoever it was in there with her. She got closer to the kitchen and was surprised to find Jay in the kitchen with her mom. What was he doing there?
"Sorry," Jay mumbled as he handed Bunny another cup of water again. Erin stood watching in confusion at the scene. Bunny's hands were shaking as she was unable to grip the cup. Jay noticed and he held the cup for Bunny, slowly bringing it to her lips so she could take a sip.
Bunny pushed his hand away when she had enough and she grunted, still looking unhappy with him.
"Do you need anything else?" Jay asked, getting no reply from Bunny. He sighed and just let her be.
Erin stood, her heart in her throat, as she watched Jay get down on his knees and began cleaning up the mess that Bunny had made on the floor. He made no complaints as he wiped the floor with a towel before wiping Bunny's wet feet with another towel. Erin wanted to cry at the sight.
"Why?" Bunny asked as she watched Jay dry her feet. Her mom asking the question Erin had herself. Jay had been against Erin taking care of Bunny but here he was, doing it himself.
He patted Bunny's feet dry and stood back up. "Because Erin loves you and I love Erin."
Erin couldn't hold back her sob at hearing that, catching the attention of Jay and Bunny. Bunny glanced back and forth between the two of them before asking Erin to take her to bed.
A few minutes later, Bunny was settled in and Erin exited her bedroom, finding Jay waiting for her on the other side.
"She's settled in for the night?" Jay asked.
"Yeah, she just fell asleep right now." She took Jay's hand and led him to the living room so they could talk. "How did you get here?"
"You forgot your phone," Jay replied. "After you left, Bunny called a couple of more times. I couldn't just let her deal with it by herself."
"So you came and took care of her," Erin finished, feeling tears come to her eyes again. "Thank you," she whispered, running her hand on his chest. "And I'm sorry about earlier."
"No, I'm the one that should be sorry, Erin," Jay began, taking her hand in his. "I shouldn't have pushed you to stop caring about your mother or make you feel like you're slacking off with our relationship."
"I am though," Erin pointed out.
But Jay quickly shook his head, not agreeing with her. "No, if anyone needs to do better between the two of us, it's me." Erin was about to protest but Jay cut her off. "Our lives are not always going to be easy, I know that. We're gonna deal with bumps and roadblocks. And this is one of them. Your mom is important to you. I understand that and I'm gonna do what I should've done from the start and that is to support you."
"You do, Jay," Erin argued. "I don't know how else I could've made it through these few months without you."
"Well, I can do better," Jay replied. "I am still worried about you, Erin. I still think you need to put yourself first, I'm always going to worry about you. But I realized something. Instead of nagging you about it, I can help you. We're a team. Partners in life. That goes for everything, including your mom. So we'll take care of her, together."
Erin could only kiss him because she couldn't find words good enough to describe just how good he was to her or how much she loved him. She felt Jay smile into the kiss and he held her face.
"I love you, Jay," she whispered after they broke the kiss, their noses remaining grazing against each other. "Thank you."
He gave her a peck of her nose and pulled her into his arms. Erin just held onto him tighter, Jay always surprising her with how perfect he was and the extent he'd go for her.
All the challenges and bumps life could throw at them never stood a chance against the way he loved her.
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love
The sounds of giggles filled the room and Jay's heart couldn't be fuller.
"No, daddy. Like this!" His little spitfire of a daughter whined when he didn't have his feet properly set. Jay watched as his five year old daughter demonstrated for him the proper way to get in first position, all decked out in her pink tutu.
"My bad, munchkin," Jay indulged his daughter. "Like this?" he asked as he adjusted his feet.
Aria looked at him and nodded proudly. It only lasted for a second before she broke out into laughters. "You look funny, daddy."
Jay would've been insulted except for the fact that he loved hearing the sound of her childish giggles. They always made his heart lighter and filled him with so much happiness.
"I don't know baby, I think daddy looks pretty awesome."
Jay turned to find Erin joining them, a grin already on her face. He had hoped for Aria to join the tee ball team but Aria insisted on starting ballet. But Jay had to admit that she made the right choice because she loved it so much, always dancing around their house and never taking off her tutu.
"I think Daddy's too big to get his feet set in the proper first position," Jay commented as he tried to adjust his feet. His actions earned him more laughter from his daughter and Erin. "I'm glad you're enjoying this," he said to Erin without any bite.
Erin just smirked as she came closer to him. "I'm just enjoying watching you show off those awesome dance skills."
Jay took her by surprise and wrapped his arm around her and tugged her to his chest. "I think I've already shown just how good of a dancer I am," Jay retorted, wiggling his eyebrow.
"Mmm, how could I forget?" Erin replied as she held his face, the ring on her finger catching the light. "That was a pretty memorable first dance you gave me, Halstead."
Jay just grinned before meeting her lips. "You didn't do so bad for yourself either, Halstead," he shot back, loving the way he could call her Halstead right back.
"I think I might need a refresher, what do you say?" Erin asked, lifting her brow. That was all Jay needed to hear as he pulled her back into his arms and began swaying them back and forth. There was no music playing but it wasn't necessary because both of them could still hear the song they had chosen for their first dance as a married couple so clearly in their head.
Aria jumped in, latching herself onto Jay's legs. Jay chuckled as he pulled Aria between them, the center of both his and Erin's world. Erin laid a kiss on her fluffy cheeks and smiled, their eyes meeting each other.
Jay sighed, content and full. This was what happiness was all about.
AN: Do people still write song fic? Oh well.
A little tidbit. I wanted to use the Bunny plot for Slow Spinning Redemption but decided not to. But I still wanted to write about it so here it is.
