Modern AU, unrelated to any other works. John and Alexander are roommates. This burns slower than wet paper.


I picked my phone up off my chest and lit it up, seeing the picture of me and Francis from last Christmas on my lock screen… no notifications. Tired of my own loneliness and on the tail end of another night without my phone buzzing I got up from my bed and crossed the hallway to the closed door and knocked lightly. I could hear keys being typed on at a furious pace. After I knocked, the typing fell silent.

"Yeah?" His voice was on the other side of the door.

"Hey," I peered around the door, creaking as I opened it.

"What's up, John?" Alexander looked at me over his laptop with a grin and set his half empty rocks glass down on the side table.

"Just in a bummer mood." I stared at the doorknob.

Alexander's face turned serious as he put his computer aside and sat up, crossing his legs, "what's going on?"

I shrugged and leaned against the doorframe, not wanting to cross into his space, "lonely, I guess. Missing Francis. When it was good it was good, y'know?"

He breathed a laugh and shook his head, self consciously smoothing out the blankets, "fucking hell, do I. Wanna come sit?"

I closed the distance to him and sat on the foot of his bed and tucked a knee up to my chest. He let his still-shower damp hair down from its bun and shook it out with fingers and yawned widely.

"Do… do you think it's really over this time with you and Thomas?" I asked.

Alex leaned back into the pillows and fingered a fold in the empty sheets next to him, "who the hell even knows? He might come back, I might be dumb enough to let him, things'll be great for a week, then we'll be back where we are… where we've been."

He looked so warm, his hair spread out on the pillow, chest wide enough to be cozy under his thin t-shirt. I flopped down next to him, occupying the cold, empty space beside him. He picked his rocks glass back up and drank from it.

"I don't know why I stayed so long." I sighed, tucking my legs closer together to keep from accidentally brushing his leg with my own.

"Yeah…"

"Whatcha working on?"

He rolled his eyes and took a drink, "just some work shit."

I watched as his eyes held mine before scanning over me, my breath catching.

"What's on your mind?"

"Loneliness, like you said."

I snorted and picked up my phone scrolling through facebook, distracting myself from the flooding confusion, "yeah."

"Anything exciting happening on facebook?" He rolled over onto his stomach and looked over my shoulder at my phone.

"Not really." I shrugged.

He leaned his head on my shoulder and I kept scrolling, blowing the loose curl that hang in my eyes out of the way in frustration when I saw a cat video that Francis shared. Alex's cheek was warm on my shoulder, he propped his chin up with his hand.

"I don't know what good you think social media will do." He chuckled.

"I don't know…" I put my phone to sleep and dropped it on his bed and set my head in the crook of my arm.

Alex rolled to his side and lie on his pillows, our faces close to each other, elbows nearly touching, a prickle ran up my arm, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

He bit his lip and then opened his mouth, shutting it and finally speaking, "can… can I hold you? Is that weird?"

"Oh, God, please." I nodded, desperate for the comfort of human contact, tired of being cold and lonely.

I scooted up the bed and pressed myself against his chest. He smelled like salted amber and I burrowed closer as he wrapped his arms around me, warm and strong, he gave the best hugs and him holding me like this was no different. I sighed out loud subconsciously and felt the heat rush to my face, he let out a breathy laugh that ghosted over my skin. I breathed in his scent, the slightest hint of whiskey mingling with each exhale. He slid down the bed until we were lying in his cozy bed. His hand found my hair and worked through the curls casually, easing through tangles. My eyes closed at the bliss of the contact. We lie in silence like that for a while until I stretched and adjusted myself.

"You tried any of the online shit?" He asked.

I shrugged, "not really ready to accept defeat yet. You?"

"Yeah, during each of our on again off again's. Mostly just dick pics."

"Blegh," I grumbled at the thought of swiping and swiping to try and find love in a stranger on the internet.

He picked up his phone and opened one of the dating apps, I watched him navigate through it, "those all the hot guys talking to you?"

"Nah," he swiped through to a new screen, "these are."

My eyes scanned the attractive men and women in his recent conversations list and I felt my mouth go dry but brushed it off and closed my eyes, drinking in the moment we had together.

"You know you could find someone in a heartbeat." He squeezed me tighter and sighed, the hair of his goatee scratched at my forehead, he rubbed my bicep casually through my shirt.

"Yeah, right."

"You totally could," I heard his phone click to sleep.

His hand trailed up to my hair again and I felt his nose against my scalp, and heard him breathe deeply and almost sigh contentedly.

I nuzzled closer against his chest, "why do we not do this all the time?"

"Hmm?" He sighed again, I guessed he was falling asleep.

"Why don't we cuddle all the time? I hate sleeping alone."

"Mm… 'cause it's been a while since either of us slept alone?"

I traced my fingers over the soft cotton covering his chest, "yeah, I guess so, but like, why not in college? We've lived together for the last four years."

"Probably because in college you never slept alone." He laughed.

"Yeah... " I agreed.

"You're not over him are you?" Alex sounded so matter of fact, he peered into my soul.

"Maybe... I think I'm just not ready to be by myself. I thought this might have been it." I reached up to tangle my fingers in his hair.

"Fucking sucks…" I heard the heaviness in his voice, his fingers stuttered as they traced my arm.

"Yeah… Do… you want me to hold you?"

"Nah, I like holding you. Thomas is shit to cuddle with."

"Really?"

He snorted a laugh, "yeah."

"Even after… you guys..." the dry mouth was back.

"Ha, yeah, he's a roll over and go to sleep type."

"I just don't get it, like, why wouldn't you want to cuddle afterwards?"

"I dunno,"

His damp hair was slick in my hands, twisting it through my fingers was methodical and made me tired.

"I should go to bed." I sighed and stretched, liking the cramp in my legs from the stretch.

"You could just stay." His suggestion was quiet, I felt his grip tighten just slightly.

"Nah, you don't want that." I brushed it off but didn't move.

"John… will you stay?"

I wiggled in his arms and breathed him in, "okay."

He reached back and turned off the lights and held me in the dark.

"This feels so good," he breathed a chuckle.

"Yeah, it does."

He massaged my scalp and twisted his fingers in my curls. I lie in the darkness with him, enjoying his warmth, how strong he felt against me. I nosed his chest and breathed deeply again, his scent swirling around me, the thought of Francis melted away and I felt a hot tear streak across the bridge of my nose. I swallowed and took a breath through my mouth, my stomach clenching. I didn't want Alexander to catch me crying in his arms. Another tear fell and his arms tightened around me. I was silent.

"It's okay," Alex whispered.

Knowing I'd been caught, I reached up between us and covered my face with my hands and cried.

"Jack, you're okay. I've got you." He ran his hand down my back.

Just because he'd seen me cry didn't mean that I wanted him to while I was in his arms… in his bed.

I sniffled and found enough of my voice to speak empty words, "I should go."

His voice was so level, "only if you want to. I'll keep holding you all night if you want."

I lost my voice in my tears and nodded, surrendering to him, to the press of his body on mine, soft and hard in the right places to make him the perfect cuddle partner; so warm, so safe, so… Alex. My best friend, my roommate, my safe place.

His hand ran a circuit up and down my back and settled at the small of my back where the hem of my shirt had ridden up, the skin to skin contact lit me up. He rolled his ankles, I smirked at the little pops that all of his joints made as he settled in for the night and he tucked his calf between mine, slowly edging his knee between mine. I shifted my hips and hitched my leg all the way over his.

Alex's hand moved from the small of my back and came to rest on my hip, his other arm still tucked around my body.

"I think we're going to have to do this every night." He decided.

"Okay." I laughed, an awkward sound, my throat clotted from crying.

"You're just too comfortable to let you sleep alone."

"Except for when all those tinder dates come rolling in." I dropped my hand to his flank and played with the wrinkles in his shirt.

"Well, yeah, obviously… although… both of us might be a good selling point on tinder."

"You goofy." I laughed.

"I've seen weirder on there." He chuckled back.

"Thanks for letting me sleep with you."

"Huh?" He cleared his throat.

"For… letting me cuddle with you and… sleep here."

"Oh, right, yeah, yeah, John, of course, you're always welcome."

I detangled myself from him and rolled over, pressing my back into chest, he folded his legs against mine. I tucked my hands under my chin and his fingers strolled over my wrist and laced around my own fingers. I consciously forced my lungs to accept fresh air and slept with a grin on my face.