A prequel set in my Waiting in the Wings 'Verse about a year before the first story takes place. A glimpse into the lives of Alex and Philip. I wrote most of this on my phone, in airports and in different countries so grace for autocorrect and typos is much appreciated. As always, reviews are basically as good as Blue Sour Patch Kids. Thank you!


I answered my phone, putting it between my shoulder and ear, still working on notes to give to the cast.

"Hey, what's up, love?"

"Bored. Thinking about you," Thomas replied, yawning.

"You can come over if you want, I'm just wrapping some stuff from rehearsal." I was still distracted with my notes.

He let a little bit of whine into his voice, "or you could stop working for once and come over here."

"I've made it almost seven years without getting family services called on me, I don't think leaving Pip alone will help me continue the streak." I chuckled, glancing in my three ring binder for the other notes I'd made.

He sighed, remembering Philip, "right."

"But, hey, you can still come over here." I offered.

"Alright, I'll be there soon."

He hung up and I typed my notes from rehearsal and sent them to the cast, texted Lafayette to see if there was anything else that he needed. I'd scored a huge victory by Lafayette choosing me for stage manager. I was making real money with this gig. I wanted to do it justice.

The coffee from this morning was cold, but I poured myself another cup, waiting for Thomas. I hoped he'd stay, wanting a warm body to sleep next to more than anything. I slept better when he was near me, I almost never slept. When he knocked I let him inside and kissed him hello, shushing him since Philip was sleeping. We went back to my bedroom and he stumbled over Philip's firetruck which had been left out... again. It made noise and lit up, filling my small apartment with the sound of sirens. Philip came out of his bedroom, sleepy eyes lighting up when he saw Thomas.

"Thomas! Thomas!" Philip bounded over and hugged him.

"Hi, kiddo, you are supposed to be sleeping." He reminded Philip with a grin, ruffling his hair.

"But my truck made me be awake."

"That's why we shouldn't leave toys on the floor." Thomas chided him gently, squeezing him tightly.

"I know." Philip frowned, hanging his head.

"Go back to bed, Pip, it's late." I guided him by his shoulder.

"Tuck me in, daddy?"

I took his little hand in mine, "of course, baby."

Thomas let out a breath and shot me a look.

"I'll be right there, go ahead to bed." I told him over my shoulder, pecking his cheek.

Philip got back into bed and I tucked him in.

"I'm glad Thomas is here. He's so cool and I like his car."

"I know. He is pretty cool, isn't he?"

"Can he just live here? Sometimes he gets here late late late when you have sleepovers."

"I think he likes his apartment."

"Because it has an elevator?" Philip asked.

"Probably."

"Maybe some time we can live somewhere with an elevator. We have too many steps, daddy."

"Maybe."

"Is that why I go to abuela's apartment instead of her coming up here most of the time?"

"Yup, it's harder to go up stairs when you're old. But now you need to go back to sleep."

"Okay. I love you, daddy," Philip hugged me and I cherished it, his hugs were the best, the reason to keep going.

"I love you more, bud."

I shut his door and met Thomas in my bed, he was down to his boxers, absently twisting the curly hair on his chest while scrolling on his phone.

"Damn, T, you're quite the sight." I bit my lip, leaned against the doorframe and locked the door.

"Just waiting on you, Alex." His eyes were hooded with lust already, sending a ripple through my abdomen.

"Well, somebody woke my kid up," I teased him, stripping out of my clothes, setting my glasses on the side table.

"It's not my fault he leaves toys all over all the time," he countered.

"It's fine, now come here, handsome." I got into bed next to him and kissed his neck.

Thomas held me, his tall stature dwarfing me. I liked feeling small next to him, feeling taken care of by him, it was a nice reprieve from my daily life, hi, daddy issues, it's me again.

"You want me to fuck you?" Thomas asked. Sexy, lustful notes darkening his voice which ghosted hotly over the shell of my ear.

"You know it, just be quiet. It's gonna take Philip a while to get back to sleep."

"Being quiet's going to depend on you. I can barely contain myself with your tight, fat ass." He raked his teeth over my shoulder, making me gasp in pleasure.

I smiled to myself, still happily surprised that he found me attractive. Thomas pulled off his underwear and stroked himself, I bit my lip, staring. He was impressive, that much was undeniable. I lubed my fingers and worked myself open for him, keening against his side.

"Are you ready yet?" He asked me, slightly impatient, still touching himself.

I nodded and wiped the rest of the lube from my fingers onto his cock. Thomas gripped me by the hips and flipped me over, he was in that kind of mood tonight. I smirked, excited by the show of dominance. I buried my face in the pillows as he thrust into me, a little too quickly, making me yelp into the cotton.

"That's right," he bent over me and kissed my spine, his rough facial hair exciting the nerve endings, hand reaching up to knot in my hair.

I rocked back to meet his thrusts, this was the best part, the way we moved in synergy with one another, knew each other's bodies.

"I like that," I moaned in a whisper when yanked my hair sharply.

"You like when I remind you whose you are?" His grip tightened.

"Love it."

"Say it."

"I'm yours, Thomas, all yours." My voice muffled in the pillows.

"Damn right. So sexy, bent over like that, taking it. Taking my big cock. Mine."

I resigned myself to being his, graciously welcoming the relief it brought me. In this moment I didn't have to worry about whether or not we were out of peanut butter - which we were, needed to go to the store - or whether or not Philip's uniforms would be dry by the morning since the building super hadn't fixed the dryer yet. No, in this moment, all that mattered was Thomas.

"Tight, ass, fucking hot." He scratched his nails down my spine, making me arch my back, changing the angle of him within me.

I cried out, biting my knuckles to keep myself quiet.

"Please," I begged to him softly, "please don't stop."

"Greedy tonight, Alex?"

"Always, need you. Need more."

He changed the pattern of his thrusts, dragging them out, teasing me, reminding me who was in control. I wanted to taste him, to knot my fingers in his hair.

"I'll give you what you need, don't you worry."

"Want to kiss you, Thomas."

"Shh…" he gripped my throat just enough to make me see stars and my dick twitched in arousal.

I submitted to him and let him have his way with me, toes curling in relief when he reached down to stroke me. His fist worked my cock and I released, orgasm bubbling through me. I cried out softly. He didn't stop, still working me over, hunting down his own satisfaction. I tingled with overstimulation, wanting to dissolve in a puddle around him, walls quaking as he thrust deeper.

Thomas's short nails gripped my hips as he spent himself deep inside me. He pulled out and I flopped flat on the mattress with exhaustion and relief.

"Can you stay, baby? Please?" I asked him, not even ashamed of the pining in my voice.

"Sure, it's late anyway." He got up to go take a shower and I pulled my sweatpants on in case Philip came in.

Thomas was still in the shower when Philip crawled in bed with me, I'd dozed off and woke up to him snuggling against me.

"Daddy, Thomas isn't good at being quiet like you." Philip whispered.

I chuckled, "he's not, is he?"

Philip shook his little head, "he waked me up twice."

I yawned, "woke, Pip. Waked isn't a word."

"He woke me up twice. So now I need cuddles."

I closed my eyes again, holding my boy, "daddy always has cuddles for his baby."

"Why does he need to take a shower so late?"

"I don't know, Pip… I guess he felt... dirty."

"I love you, daddy," Philip reached up and scratched my goatee as he fell asleep.

I dozed off waiting for Thomas to get back, he finally did, still toweling his hair, a different towel around his waist. His eyes adjusted to the darkness and he noticed Philip, pursing his lips.

"He came in here?"

"Yeah, you woke him up...again," I sighed, knowing we'd be in for a long morning.

He pulled on his joggers, tossing his towels on the chair at my desk, "not my fault you two are the lightest sleepers in the world."

Thomas got in bed behind me and held me by the hip, "good night, Thomas. I love you,"

He swept my hair over my neck and nuzzled in, kissing the top of my back, "I love you, too, Alexander."

I jolted awake with my alarm and silenced it quickly, Thomas rolled over and covered his face with his arm. The anxiety and stress of the day to come hit me with Uma Thurman Pulp Fiction adrenaline force and I felt my muscles clench as the stress flooded me.

I slipped away from Philip, pulled a sweatshirt on, grabbed my glasses, and went out to the fire escape for my morning smoke. The city was waking up, it bustled with noise not loud enough to drown out my to do list; hope Philip's clothes are dry, get him to school, come home, shower, change, breakfast with Thomas, sex if I'm lucky, get to the rehearsal space, meet with Laf, figure out blocking on scene fourteen, get Pip, fuck, right, pay that tax bill, shuffle around checking and savings, go to the store for… fuck me, I thought about it last night… something… something… I'll think of it, make dinner, homework, bedtime.

The to do list kept occupying my brain and I went inside to get dressed wake Philip up. Thomas slept on the other side of the bed, closest to the window, sunlight streamed in and illuminated him, his hair haloed around him. He held Philip in his strong, shapely arms, the tattoos that ornamented them highlighting the curves of his muscles. He was too damned handsome. I grinned at the sight while I got dressed and then crouched down to wake Philip up.

"Buenos días, mi amor." I cooed to him.

Philip squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.

"Come on, baby, it's time to get up." I ran my fingers through his hair.

"No, daddy… sleepy."

"Come on, sleepy. You want froot loops?"

"Fine." He grudgingly got up and shuffled out to the living room and curled up under the throw blanket on the couch.

I made him a bowl of cereal, heated up a cup of coffee for myself and curled up to him on the sofa.

"Can we watch Scooby?" He asked in his sleepy morning voice, taking the bowl from me.

"Just one, bud, then we gotta roll."

"Okay."

I put cartoons on and we watched the gang solve a mystery while Philip ate. After he was done, I got up and checked his pants, by the grace of God they were dry. I handed them to him and helped him get his shirt on the right direction. He sat down and let me tie his sneakers for him, they were getting a little snug. We'd have to go shopping soon.

"Braids?" He asked as I grabbed the comb.

"Not today, boo, ponytail?"

"Bun?" He countered.

"Deal." I combed out his hair and twisted it up high on his head and secured it with one of the bands on my wrist.

"Can I put up yours?"

"Okay. Quick quick." I sat in front of him and he gathered up my hair and held out his hand for the other hair tie and looped it into a chaotic bun, missing some of the pieces.

"Thanks, Pip."

"'Course, daddy!"

"Alright, did you need me to sign anything?" I asked, zipping up his backpack.

"Nope!"

"You're sure? No repeats of the zoo trip?"

"No, daddy, no repeats."

"Alright, come on, let's go."

We made the commute to school and after a hug, I dropped him off. Back to the apartment. I needed more coffee. So tired from the late night I'd had. Workshopping a show was a long and meticulous process, I was lucky to be doing it with my best friend, but even still it took a lot out of me, and being the stage manager, Laf's right hand man, made it take even more. It was all I'd ever wanted though, and I'd done it. I was doing it, I was doing it and Philip was taken care of, happy, growing like a weed, I was holding down a relationship, Thomas and I were six months strong and… happy. Things were going alright… even if I was always tired.

I unlocked the door to my apartment, started a new load of laundry, washed the dishes, and went to my bedroom where I found Thomas still sleeping, now spread out in my bed. He looked so warm and inviting, I got in bed next to him and found my place at his side. A quick nap - so tired - a quick nap wouldn't hurt.

Thomas stretched beside me and I woke up at the movement, he chuckled at my flightiness, I couldn't help it, I was constantly concerned that I was late for something, had overslept, anything.

"Good morning, Alexander." He whispered in my ear, propping himself on his elbow and looking down at me.

Chills ran down my spine at the seduction in his voice and I reached up to stroke his face.

"How'd you sleep?"

"Just fine. Surprised you're still in bed."

"Oh… well, I mean, back in bed, I took Philip to school and did some stuff, but yeah, I was beat. Long night."

He brushed the hair away from my face, "I know it was."

I yawned, "are you working today?"

"Not until later, we've got a seven o'clock."

"Coming over afterwards?"

"Maybe, I don't know,"

"Okay… well… we always like having you."

"Yeah, you do. Thirsty."

I rolled my eyes and told him I was going to go take a shower. While I washed my hair an updated list of all the things that had to be done went through my head. There was still so much day ahead of me.

Back in my room, Thomas was dressed and getting ready to leave. I kissed him goodbye and saw him out. First stop was the grocery store. I called abuela to see if there was anything she needed and added adobo to the list.

At the store I perused the aisles, getting more oatmeal, milk, and peanut butter! That's what it was! Peanut butter. Frozen pizzas. I wasn't proud of how much packaged food Philip ate, but I hoped the fresh fruits and vegetables that I bought would help to counter some of it.

After lugging bags of groceries up all the flights of stairs to my apartment I put them away and changed over the laundry, hanging wet clothes up in the shower and over the fire escape, put away the dishes and put Philip's clean clothes away in his dresser. Our apartment was never clean but I did my best to make sure it wasn't filthy. When it was time to get Philip I took the train to his school and picked him up. He held my hand on the way back home and told me about the things he'd learned in his day.

"...Cause they're carve-nivores, they eat people. Rawr! I'm a carve-nivore. But I would probably be pretty afraid if I ever really saw a Tyrann-nin-nin-osaurus Rex!"

"A Tyrannosaurus Rex? They're carnivores. They didn't live at the same time as people but they probably would have tried to eat people if they did live together." I spoke clearly to help him learn how to pronounce the words.

"They didn't?"

"Nope. Hey, what's a dinosaur that eats plants?"

"A herb-a-vore!"

"An herbivore. Good job. What about dinosaurs that eat plants and meat, like we do?"

"An…. omnivore?"

"Hey! That's my smart boy. Good job! Do you know why they're called that?"

He shook his head, "no, daddy, why?"

"'Omni' is a root word, like roots on a tree, so the root omni can grow branches and leaves like the words omnivore, omnipotent, and omniscient. It's Latin for 'all'."

"Latin?" Philip squeaked.

"Yup."

"That's cool, daddy. You're the smartest man in the whole world."

"I don't know about all that. Barack Obama's probably smarter than me, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, tons of people."

"Abuela says you're the smartest since you were the first person she ever knew in real life, not TV, to go to college."

"Abuela's sweet. I couldn't have made it through college without her though."

"Because I cried too much?"

"You were a good baby, Pip. You cried just the right amount."

We made it to our building and I knocked on Abuela's door.

"Hola, Alexito." She hugged me.

"Hola, abuelita."

Philip ran passed her and turned on the television.

"Hijo, are you eating?" She frowned at me.

"When I remember to." I admitted sheepishly, handing her the adobo seasoning.

"You look muy delgado. I'll make you some dinner."

"Gotta run, thank you, though. Please make sure he does his homework."

"Okay." She held my face and kissed both of my cheeks.

"Bye, buddy!" I called to Philip.

"Bye, daddy!"

I went to the rehearsal space where Lafayette was workshopping his show and found him at the folding table he was using as a desk. The actors were working with each other on blocking.

"Hey, Laf, sorry I'm late."

"You are fine. How is the Pip?" Lafayette leaned on my shoulder, exhausted.

"He's fine, learned about dinosaurs."

"A wonderful topic. And how is my connard cousin?"

I shoved him playfully, "be nice. Thomas is a good guy."

"Since when?" Lafayette rolled his eyes.

"You're just jealous that he got the looks in the family."

"Oh, please. I am gorgeous."

"Yeah… but Thomas is… hot."

"Rude."

We ran scenes, Laf making little changes here and there. He and I stayed after releasing the actors to talk about the big changes that needed to be made.

"I want the costumes to look authentic. Do we know anyone?" Lafayette chewed on the end of his pen.

"There was that dude I had a semester with… some douchey god name… Prometheus? No… that wasn't it. Hermes? No… fuck… what was that dude's name? Big, black dude… Hercules! Um… Mulligan. He does really good shit. I'll hit him up."

"Worth a try." Lafayette shrugged.

"How's the rest of the crew coming along?"

"Well… I'm pretty sure that Washington's theatre is a good to go."

"Holy shit, are you for real? I've always wanted to do a show there."

"Don't get too excited. But, I believe so."

"Laf! Dude, hell yeah!" I hugged him.

"Their in-house team is great, too. They have the best electrician I have ever seen. The things this man can do with a gel… it's impressive."

"Sounds like ole Lafie has a crush on the light boy."

"Ew, please, he's just a good person. Honestly surprised you haven't met him. It's not like the theatre world is that big."

"You forget that I literally never go out. Kid at home. All that jazz."

"How is mon petit?"

"He's good. You should come over soon. Been a minute since he got to see you."

My phone buzzed and I looked at it, it was a facetime request from Thomas. I answered and held the phone up so that me and Laf were both visible.

"Why am I not surprised to see you, Lafayette?" Thomas smirked.

"Because your boyfriend is a hard worker and you know it."

"Whatever. Babe… come over. I miss you." Thomas pouted, brown doe eyes melting me.

I turned to Laf, "are we done here?"

He nodded, "go on, I just don't want to hear about it."

"Just for a little bit." I told Thomas.

"Mhm." Thomas agreed.

"Come pick me up?" I asked.

"I'm already home," Thomas hung up.

I started to pack up my things, Lafayette looked at me, "is he… is he good to you?"

"What? I mean… yeah… he really likes Philip and Philip loves him, so, I mean, yeah… We have really good sex, it's… yeah."

"Alex… Is he good to you?"

"I… yeah, Laf. It's good. I'm happy."

Lafayette nodded skeptically, "alright, friend. I love you."

"Love you too, Laffy Taffy."

He rolled his eyes at the nickname that had stuck since college and I swung my satchel over my shoulder and walked outside, lighting a cigarette. It wasn't too far of a walk, but it would have been so much easier if Thomas could have just picked me up. He had a car. That's what cars are for. No. It was stupid of me, this is New York, a city of walking. I could just walk, his apartment wasn't that far away, I was just lazy.

I rang the buzzer and he let me in. I hugged him and he winced.

"You smell like smoke."

"Yeah… that would be from the smoking."

"God, I wish you'd stop that."

"Me too, but there's only so much shit I can handle and it's cheaper than therapy."

Thomas' apartment was gorgeous, well maintained, opulently decorated, I felt out of place every time that I stepped foot in it. It was nothing like my place, no fire trucks in the hallway, ninja turtle underwear discarded in the middle of the living room floor.

I let Thomas lead me to his bedroom where we fucked in his giant, plush bed. I fell asleep while he was in the shower without realizing it and jolted up when he walked back into the bedroom, twisting his hair back into the scarf he slept in.

"I had to get rid of that smoke smell." He said with a tinge of disgust.

"I have to go." I hurried to put my clothes back on, stumbling into my jeans.

"Just stay, Alex. He's fine, he's with your grandma."

"No, no, that's not the point, I know he's fine, shit, shit, she's not responsible for him. I… fuck. I have to go… can you please just drive me home? It's so much quicker, baby, please?"

"Alex, come on. I'm so tired. It's not like the train actually takes that much longer."

"Dammit, Thomas can you just please help me with this? It's late, I really don't want to be on the subway at this hour, the last thing I need is a drunk guy to pee on me. Please, baby?" Tears of frustration stung my eyes.

He stepped into his pants and rolled his eyes, "well, come on then, Jesus, if you're gonna fucking cry about it like a baby."

"Thank you! Thank you so much. I'm so sorry. Thank you." I wiped my eyes quickly with the sleeve of my hoodie, feeling stupid for getting so worked up.

Thomas drove me back to the Heights, fingers drumming on the wheel the whole time. I could feel his annoyance.

"Do you… wanna stay?" I asked him.

"Not really, you're just going to go to bed."

"Okay… well… good night. Thanks again,"

"Yeah."

I got out at my building and waved a goodbye to him as he peeled out, tires squealing away. Using the spare key that Abuela had given me, I unlocked her apartment and found it empty. Dammit. I climbed the rest of the stairs to our unit and unlocked it. She slept sitting up on the sofa.

"Mamá, go home. Lo siento, lo siento. I'm so sorry." I stirred her.

"Oh, Alexito, you had me so worried. ¿Estás bien?"

"I'm fine, abuelita. You should go to bed. You can stay in my bed if you want."

"No, no, me voy a casa."

"Okay, but at least let me walk you."

I took her bag and helped her up from the old couch. Moving at her pace, I guided her down the flights of stairs by the elbow and got her safely to her door.

"There's ropa vieja in the ice box. You're too skinny, amor." She said, unlocking the door to let herself in.

"Muchas gracias, abuelita. Muchas gracias por todo."

"Ay, Alexito, de nada, hijo. Te quiero mucho."

"Te quiero, abuelita. Buenas noches." I shut the door and went back upstairs.

This night hadn't gone how I'd meant for it to. Thomas was pissy, I'd asked too much of abuela. I felt like shit and was mad at myself. I went to my bedroom and kicked my jeans off, threw myself in bed, hugged the pillow that smelled like Thomas and cried, trying to be quiet enough not to wake Philip. At least here in the dark, all alone, no one was there to see me making a fool of myself as I wept like a stupid, ugly child. I cried myself out, feeling like the biggest disappointment to everyone I knew, trying to remember the coping skills my therapist in college had taught me for when my anxiety got this bad. Big deep breaths, in, hold, out. In, hold, out. Just breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

There would be no sleeping tonight, no matter how exhausted I'd made myself crying so I quietly set up my keyboard, moving papers off my desk. I plugged in my headphones and started to play the melody that I'd been chasing since college and sang along quietly.

"It's me, I'm the biggest disappointment you know… something… she's back and she's walking really slow, welcome home, breathe, just breathe… be brave, you're gonna be fine I was the one who made it out, the one who always made good… grades…" The anxiety wasn't done with me and I dissolved into silent tears in front of my keyboard.

Thomas hates you.

Abuela hates you.

Lafayette's only your friend because he feels sorry for you.

Philip's going to turn out just like you did.

I tried to push away the thoughts that my anxiety presented as fact, but they were so compelling. What if it was all true? What if I was as bad as my brain would have me think?

I wanted to call Thomas, wanted to hear his voice and ask him to come over, wanted to feel his arms around me making me feel small and safe, but I knew better than to call him after I'd already proven to be such a nuisance tonight.

Once this wave of crying had subsided, I went to the kitchen and brewed myself a fresh pot of coffee, entranced by the way the machine sounded as it brewed. Philip was sleeping peacefully in his room. With any luck raising him was the one thing I was doing mostly right. It was the only thing that I had to get right. I'd never forgive myself if I let him down.

Like I did on most nights where sleep evaded me, I took my coffee and went to the fire escape where I smoked until sun up. The sky started to lighten, casting the GWB in pink and orange. It was a beautiful morning, but it was morning nonetheless. My day was starting. I sipped my coffee.

"Wake up, poquito." I rubbed Philip's back and he rolled over.

"No, come on," I chuckled.

"No." He huffed, covering his head with the blanket.

"Pip, we gotta get ready for school."

"No." He said more forcefully.

"Philip, come on."

"I won't."

I left his room, tossed my shirt in the hamper, went back to Philip's room to wake him up for good this time.

"Philip, I need you up now."

He shook his head, long curls bouncing everywhere.

"Philip, let's go!" Frustration crept into my voice.

"Sleepy!"

"I'm sleepy too, suck it up and get up."

"But, daddy."

"Philip, no buts, now get your butt out of bed and let's get on with our morning."

"Too sleepy. Tried to stay up and wait for you to get home."

"You know the rules when daddy is late with… work, you go to bed anyways. If you're tired that one's on you. Now get up."

"I just wanted to cuddle with you… but you were too late."

"I'm sorry, baby. I'll be home on time tonight. Now will you please get up?" I took a drink of coffee.

He sat up and yawned, wiping his sleepy, little eyes.

"Good job, boo, now I need you to get dressed. Granola bar today, okay?"

"No, daddy, I want froot loops."

"Should have thought of that before you stayed up all night."

"But I didn't."

"Nope, so now the consequences are that you don't get cereal."

I turned to walk out of his room when Philip got up and put on clean underwear and started to pull on his pants when he muttered under his breath, "daddy never lets me…"

I spun on my heel, "what was that?"

Philip's eyes went wide, "uh… nothing."

"Mhm, that's what I thought. Cut the shit, Philip, daddy's not in the mood today."

He hung his head and I left the room, hearing him cry. My hand tightened into a fist that I knocked against my forehead, tears in my own eyes… again. I went to my room and pulled yesterday's jeans on, still listening to Philip cry. Goddammit.

This is what a shitty father you are. James? Oh, no that's Alex, couldn't tell the difference from how trash you are at being a dad.

That was enough, we didn't handle things like this in my house. We were better than that. We were Pip and daddy, I could man up and call myself out for being an asshole. That was something my father never managed to do.

I went back to Philip's room and saw him sitting on his bed, crying alone like I had all last night.

"Hey," I crouched down in front of Philip.

"I'm sorry I'm bad. I was just sleepy!" Philip sobbed.

"Hey, hey, hey, no, shh, you aren't bad, Pip. Look, daddy's having a grumpy morning, I didn't mean to be mean to you, baby. You're a good boy, the best. Daddy's grumpy. I'm really sorry I was mean."

He traced the tattoo on my chest while I spoke and I clutched his tiny hand to my heart.

"You still love me?"

"Oh, baby, always. Daddy always loves you. You're my best guy."

"I'm sorry I didn't get up."

"Shh, baby, it's okay, it's over, daddy was just being a jerk."

"I love you, daddy."

"I love you with all my heart, Philip. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. You want me to braid your hair today?"

"Won't that make us late?"

"Yup."

"It's bad to be late."

"It's okay sometimes."

We went to the bathroom where Philip sat on the toilet while I plaited his hair back. He had the most gorgeous hair. I couldn't believe that I helped make a human so perfect.

"Only three, buddy." I told him, trying to lower his expectations.

"But oncle does like a million."

"That's his super power,"

"I wish it could be your super power."

"Yeah, me too. But three's pretty good, right?"

"Pretty good, daddy." He hugged my thigh and leaned his head against my hip.

"Sit up tall, mi amor."

Philip straightened up and I finished braiding his hair.

"Daddy, I look so pretty!" He admired himself in the mirror after I'd finished.

"You're always pretty, Philip, you look fancy, though."

"Yeah, really fancy."

"Ready to go to school?"

"Ready, daddy."

We left our building and Philip took my hand. It was so little, but getting bigger every day. It was a pretty morning and we walked to school, saying hi to our neighbours getting their days started. There was a bustle unique to our neighbourhood where horns honking were more a hello than anything else, where Latin music flowed from open shop doors, where the percussion of grates rolling up as business started was our 808.

I hugged Philip goodbye at school and went back home to clean the apartment before getting together with Lafayette and further discussing set design and blocking.

While I was washing dishes Thomas called me, I answered with a soapy finger tip and put it on speaker.

"Hi, babe!" I answered.

"Hey. What are you doing?" He yawned, probably still waking up.

"Just doing some dishes. What's up?"

"Come over, I'm still naked."

"That sounds nice, I have to go meet with Laf, though."

"You're lucky I'm not the jealous type, amount of time you spend with him." I could almost hear him rolling his eyes.

"Sorry to disappoint. Dinner tonight? I'm making…" I thought over what was in the freezer, "fish sticks."

"I think I'm good. I'll come over afterwards."

"Okay, okay, yeah, that sounds great. I don't mind feeding you, really. Pip would love to see you."

"He'll see me and I won't have to eat fish sticks. Everyone wins."

"Okay, whatever you say. I thought you liked fish?"

"Yeah, real fish, not that processed shit. Anyway, gotta go. See you tonight."

"Okay… cool… well, I guess I'll, I'll see you tonight. Love you."

"Okay, bye." He hung up.

I bit my lip hard enough to stop myself from crying and dried the dishes. There was nothing I wanted more than to have Thomas commit to our family. Philip loved him so much, I wanted him to be our missing piece. More than that, I was tired of not being good enough for him. Never being good enough for him. Always living in the shadow of being a place holder until someone better came along.

Lafayette and I met up at a coffee shop where I got an obscene amount of extra shots of espresso.

"Rough night?" Lafayette asked around the chocolate croissant he was eating.

"I'm fine. Let's just get to work, yeah?"

"Alright, dear one. You know I worry."

"I'm fine, I'm just tired." I tore at a scab with my teeth to stay focused.

"Okay, okay, well do you think some good news would help you feel better?"

"It's worth a shot." I shrugged, tasting blood.

"We got the theatre."

"Are you serious? Laf, are you fucking serious?"

"Cross my heart!" He broke out into a grin that swallowed half his face.

I grabbed his hand across the table and kissed the back of it, "holy shit. We fucking did it! You did it, Laf."

"Want more good news?"

"I don't know if I can handle even more."

"We got an opening date. Seven months and we're on Broadway."

I let out a deep breath, "holy shit. It's getting real."

"I know. Let me know if there's anyone you for sure want on your team."

"Will do. There's some young kids fresh out of college I want to help give a boost. Think you and Thomas can work a show and not kill each other?"

Lafayette made a face, "he's not even that good of a stagehand."

"Come on, Laf. He's good. He's strong."

"Only because I love you… and he's family."

"I love you, too. Who are we keeping from the cast?"

"In general? I don't know… there's a lot of talent in that room."

"Lots in the pit, too."

"That is the truth."

We talked through the afternoon and through plenty of coffee. I checked the time and realized that I needed to go get Philip.

"Wanna come get Pip with me?"

"You going to feed me dinner?" He quirked an eyebrow.

"Always. Come on."

We gathered our papers back into our bags and went to the school. Philip squealed when he saw Lafayette and leapt into his arms.

"Oncle Laf!" Philip giggled, petting Lafayette's beard.

"Hello, mon petit. How is my favourite boy?"

"I'm good. Are you coming home with us?"

"Of course!"

Philip's eyes sparkled with joy, "is Thomas?"

Lafayette looked at me asking a silent question. I pressed a tight smile and shook my head.

"Just me, Pip. Am I not good enough for you?" Laf tickled him, distracting him. I was grateful.

Philip giggled and forgot to be disappointed. I wanted to forget my own disappointment. We walked home, Philip on Laf's hip, telling him about school far too fast for Lafayette - or anyone but me - to comprehend.

When we got home Lafayette helped Philip with his homework and I went to the kitchen finding a pan of enchiladas I hadn't seen before. I set the oven and waited for it to heat up before sliding the pan inside. While they heated through, I made rice and tossed a salad for us all and placed it on the table, handing Philip three place settings to set the table with.

I placed the hot pan on a towel in the middle of the table as well as the pot of rice and served Philip and Lafayette and then finally myself. Lafayette smiled contentedly after his first bite. My abuelita could cook.

We ate our food happily and told Philip the exciting news about our show.

"I want to come to the theatre!" He declared, rice in his mouth.

I smoothed back his hair, "you will, mi amor, you'll come so much you'll be sick of it, but don't talk with your mouth full."

Lafayette told Philip more about getting the theatre and we talked through our meal.

"Alex, I can wash the dishes. You fed me dinner. It's only fair." Lafayette offered, clearing the table while I wrapped up leftovers.

"No, Laf, it's fine. I'll do them in the morning."

There was a knock on the door and Philip rushed to answer it when he heard Thomas speak a greeting on the other side.

"Thomas! Thomas! Oncle Laf is here." He took Thomas by the hand and pulled him into the kitchen.

"Hey, Laf." Thomas nodded.

"Thomas," Lafayette smiled.

Lafayette followed Philip to play in his room and give me and Thomas a moment alone. I poured myself a cup of coffee and Thomas came up behind me, enveloping me in his strong arms, I felt myself melt.

"You're really drinking that now? You'll be up all night."

"No. No. I'll sleep. I was up all night last night. This'll just help me stay up long enough to put Pip to bed."

He huffed and let me go, "I don't know what's wrong with you."

I pulled another mug down and made a cup for Lafayette, who I heard screeching as my son undoubtedly assaulted him. I smiled to myself. Lafayette was made to be an uncle.

"I don't know either."

He looked at the dirty dishes, "your grandma made dinner? She's such a good cook. I'd have actually come over for that."

"Sorry you missed out. There's some leftovers."

"Good. You can make me breakfast."

My stomach filled with butterflies, "you're staying?"

"I don't see why not."

Thomas twisted my hair around his fingers and I nuzzled against his touch, he tugged it just enough to sting a little and I muttered an 'ouch'. He chuckled to himself.

"You're so cute when you yelp like that."

I picked up the coffee mugs, "well… yeah… that kind of hurt."

He leaned down and kissed my cheek.

We went to the living room and I called for Lafayette and Philip. We turned on a Land Before Time movie and Laf sniped something under his breath at Thomas when he complained about watching a kid's movie. I gulped my coffee down in a few drinks and cuddled against Thomas, Philip sat contentedly in front of Lafayette and let him do his hair.

"What did you do to this poor child's head?" Laf laughed, unbraiding my feeble attempts.

"Hey, we were short on time." I shrugged.

"My daddy did his best." Philip said staunchly.

"That's right, baby. You tell 'em."

"I mean, Lafayette is right. You didn't even do the right type of braid." Thomas agreed.

Lafayette tented his hands, set his jaw, and took a deep breath, "Thomas, just be quiet. I promise that the world will not stop spinning if you are silent for just a moment," he muttered under his breath, "le con."

"Chill, dude. It's not even a big deal," Thomas pulled me against him, "Alex knows I was kidding. Right, Alex?"

Of course he was kidding, but I bit hard on my lip and forced a smile to fight the instinct to cry like a stupid, fucking kid, I was just so tired and raw lately, "yup, just kidding."

Halfway through the movie I fell asleep on Thomas' shoulder, breathing in the scent of his cologne. I wanted his arms around me, it was cold in the living room. I wanted so badly to be held.

Once the movie was over, Thomas nudged me and I bolted upright, coming to in an instant. Philip slept in Lafayette's arms and Thomas was on his phone, he quickly switched from a messaging app that I pretended not to see.

"I should get going," Lafayette yawned.

"Okay, let me take him." I got up from the couch and took Philip into my arms.

Lafayette stretched, "my arm went to sleep."

"Mine too," Thomas agreed.

"Sleepy little Hamiltons." Lafayette grinned.

I looked at Philip's hair and saw the beautiful, perfectly straight rows plaited in his hair, "Laf. Thank you. You killed it."

"Of course. Night, Alex." He kissed my cheek.

"Night, Laf. See you tomorrow."

"Thomas," he curtly nodded.

Thomas gave him a nod in return.

I put Philip in bed and tucked him in. Thomas waited in my bed in just his boxers and a t-shirt. I kicked my jeans off and got in bed with him.

"Can we just go to sleep tonight? I'm really tired."

"You're always tired. What makes tonight different?"

"Please, baby? I just want to go to sleep."

"Fine, but you owe me."

"Of course. I'm sorry. Thank you."

I fell asleep but slept restlessly, tossing and turning throughout the night, waking up to check the time, certain I'd overslept. When I woke up to my alarm I quickly silenced it and got dressed and went to start the process of waking Philip up.

He sat up and looked groggily at his uniform.

"I'm gonna go smoke and I want you dressed when I get back, ¿Claro?"

"Claro." He mumbled.

The nicotine hit me and I felt the endorphins kick in, perking me up. I had to call the costuming guy today. I had to remind the super about the dryer, I had to give the Solarios their Tupperware back from last weekend, meet up with Laf, hopefully with a yes or no from the costume guy. Another puff on my smoke and I ashed it. Philip was dressed and sat waiting at the kitchen table.

"Good job, buddy. Froot loops?"

"No, tater tots."

I laughed without humour, "good try. Froot loops or yogurt?"

"Yogurt."

I got him a yogurt and coffee for myself and we sat on the couch watching old episodes of Looney Tunes together.

"Why doesn't Thomas watch cartoons with us?"

"He's sleepy like a bear in the morning."

"Is he gonna be my other daddy?"

"Eat your breakfast, baby." I kissed the top of his head and sipped my coffee.

Another day to keep pushing through. So tired. I walked down the street on my way home from Philip's school and saw Sonny, the lost kid of the neighbourhood, glad he was there to take the heat off of me. He sat on the stoop of a brownstone, biting his thumbnail and tapping his foot. I smiled down at him.

"This seat taken?" I asked.

He ripped out his headphones, his bruised, cracked knuckles not escaping my attention, and looked up at me, "huh, uh, no."

I sat down beside him, "rough night?"

"I'm fine."

"Of course, you're fine, be fine is what we do in the Heights, doesn't mean it wasn't a rough night."

"Yeah, I guess, man, I don't know. My moms, bro, she kicked me out again."

"You staying with your cousin?"

"Nah, man, fuck that, he's all like judgy and shit. I'm fine on my own. I gots this. I don't need him," his voice wavered, chin trembling almost imperceptibly, "man, I don't need nobody."

I lit a cigarette and took a drag, "sure is nice to have people, though, isn't it?"

"I don't know."

"Come over for dinner, there's plenty to eat."

He set his jaw and looked at me with a frown, "yeah?"

"Yeah. I'll see you tonight. Gonna be alright, kid." I squeezed his shoulder, wishing he'd just let me hug him.

"Thanks, Alex, man."

I flicked my cigarette butt on the ground and stomped it out, before continuing the walk home. Plates clattered as I reached into the cabinet to retrieve one to heat breakfast up for Thomas. With his plate in the microwave I worked on the dishes from the night before. After the microwave beeped I went to my bedroom and found him sleeping. He looked so much sweeter in his sleep. So much softer.

"Hey, love. Wake up. I made you breakfast."

He sat up and wiped a hand over his face, nodding.

"I'll be there in a minute."

While he got himself up I tidied the living room, putting Philip's things neatly in his room, made his bed, went back to the kitchen to pour myself another cup of coffee and start a fresh pot. Thomas sat waiting at the table.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you were out here already." I went to the microwave and got his food out and set it in front of him.

"You're not eating?" He asked incredulously.

"Nah, just coffee."

"You don't need it, anyways." He reminded me, squeezing my ass.

"Yeah. Right. True. Anyways, what's your day look like, babe?"

"Got an early show. I'll come over afterwards. Still wish you could come to my place."

"Yeah, I know, me too, but Philip."

He mouthed but Philip at the same time I said it as if it were a line in a script he'd memorized, but it was true, my son was always my reason for coming home.

"You know your Ebola would watch him."

"Mi abuela? Yeah, well, he's not her responsibility."

"She wouldn't even notice."

"That's not the point, T. He's my son. He's my responsibility, besides, I don't like being away from him.

"Yeah, well. I'll see you tonight. Food was good."

"I'm glad. See you tonight."

He got up and gripped my arm tightly, pulling me a little off balance to pull me against him and kissed me.

Laf and I worked through the day again, posted up in a coffeeshop by the theatre that would be his show's home. He took a bite of his chocolate croissant and wiped the corner of his mouth.

"Did you get ahold of costume guy?"

"Yeah, he wants to meet with us."

"When?"

"I don't know, I said I'd talk to you."

"Well, see what he's doing right now." Laf's eyes sparkled in excitement over this project coming together.

I chuckled and pulled out my phone to call him.

"You want some of this?" Lafayette asked me, taking another bite.

"Nah. It's not like I need it." As my phone rang in my ear, I realized that those weren't my words.

Lafayette rolled his eyes and took another bite.

"Hello?" Hercules Mulligan answered the phone.

"Hey, yeah, it's Alex Hamilton. Look, I know it's not like, super professional but Lafayette wanted to meet you today, if you're free."

"Dude, I mean, sir. I'm definitely free. Where's your office?"

"I mean, currently our office is inside Ground Central."

"The… coffee shop?"

"Uh… yeah, but I promise we're legit."

"Yeah, yeah, no, for sure. Give me half an hour."

"Great, we'll look forward to seeing you."

I hung up and frowned at Laf, "I suck at those kinds of calls."

"I think you did just fine."

We worked until Hercules arrived, grey beanie adorning his head, satchel at his side. He had a stocky frame, about my height, Lafayette gulped beside me and shook his hand while we made introductions.

"I think your pants look hot." Lafayette said a little too quickly, cheeks burning red.

"Oh, thanks, I made them."

"You're hired." Lafayette's voice was squeaky.

"Hercules, can I get you something to drink?" I tried to pull the focus off of Lafayette.

"Something caramel, sweet, I'm not picky."

Lafayette looked like he was going to explode and I clapped his shoulder as I passed him.

I went to the bar and ordered a drink for Hercules and rocked back and forth from my heels to my toes. I really hoped that this meeting would go well, we could use a good costumer.

The barista handed me his drink and I sat back at the table where hercules talking about his resume.

"Oh, thanks so much." Hercules drank the frilly, sweet drink and I looked on in horror from over the rim of my strong, black coffee.

"Hercules was telling me about his experience dressing King Lear."

"Oh, right on. What other shows have you dressed? Er… better yet, what was your favourite?"

"Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder was a lot of fun. There's so crazy quick changes."

"That sounds like a lot of fun." Laf agreed.

I couldn't distinguish whether Lafayette was purely intrigued or if he was flirting. The beauty of Lafayette was how much the two looked alike.

We continued our interview with Hercules and ended up offering the position to him.

"If you can just send me your IATSE union papers I'll get stuff rolling to the right people." I told him.

"Great, yeah, I can do that tonight." Hercules beamed, adjusting his beanie.

"Fantastic! Well, guys, I actually have another meeting I need to run to, but this has been great." I pushed my chair in.

The appointment was picking up my son, but I didn't like exploiting that, I didn't like that some people thought it made me look lazy.

Philip's teacher released him to me and we took the bus home. Himself and his clothing was stained pink.

"What did you get into, hijo?"

"Popsicle. It was super tasty and real sticky."

"Yeah. Should we get you home to put new clothes on?"

"Mhm."

"Hey, Sonny's gonna have dinner with us."

"Thomas?"

"Mhm."

"Yay!"

Philip skipped ahead of me on the sidewalk, but where it filled with people he quickly waited for me and took my hand. I started dinner, the apartment filling with the smell of rice. Before going out for a smoke I set plates and silverware on the table and called for Philip to set our places.

The cigarette was divine. I inhaled the sweet, fragrant, herby smoke and my body tingled with the rush of nicotine. I'd never quit, no matter how much I wanted to.

"Daddy!" Philip yelled, "daddy! Door!"

I ashed my cigarette and hurried inside to open the door for Sonny.

"Hey, man. Thanks for y'know, having me over."

"Of course. Now let me see those hands. Pip can you get the first aid kit for daddy?" I sat Sonny down at the kitchen table.

Philip rushed to retrieve the kit from the bathroom and set it on the table.

"Wanna tell me about this?" I inspected the bruised skin around the cuts.

"I dunno, man."

"Sonny, who was on the other side of this?"

"A dumpster outside the bodega." He hung his head.

"You're a smart kid. You need to find a different place to put that anger." I dabbed at the cuts with peroxide and he bounced his knees at the sting.

"Yo, Alex, it wasn't a person, man. I'm not trying to start no more fights or nothin',"

"It's a start."

I spread antibiotic cream over the clean cuts and instructed Philip to put the kit away while I finished dinner.

"Is Thomas, it's Thomas, right? Is he coming over?" Sonny asked, eyeballing the extra place setting.

"That's the plan."

"It's cool you got a guy, bro." Sonny smiled with a tinge of hope. I suspected he was gay, that it probably had something to do with his troubles at home and the anger inside him. It would get so much easier when he accepted it.

"Yeah, it is."

As if on cue, Thomas knocked at the door.

"Daddy! Can I get it?" Philip bounced up and down in excitement.

"Go ahead, Pip."

He opened the door and Thomas came inside and handed Philip a toy that I couldn't see in the box.

"Daddy! Look! A batmobile!" Philip showed me the toy.

"Wow! We can get it out after dinner," Thomas came into the kitchen and kissed me hard, ignoring Sonny at the table, "that was sweet of you."

"Looks cool." He shrugged.

"You remember Sonny?" I gestured to the kid.

"Didn't know you already had company. Should I go?"

"What? No. It's, Sonny's just having a rough day, he's joining us for dinner."

"I see." He took his seat and I served Philip his plate, then, Sonny, Thomas, and finally myself.

"Thanks for dinner, Alex." Sonny stabbed his chicken with his fork.

"Thank you, daddy." Philip smiled at me.

Thomas finished chewing, "thanks."

We ate our dinner and chatted.

"Bro, I'm just saying, man, ain't gon' be no abortions happening Republicans keep fuckin' up the climate. Oops! I didn't mean to say fuck in front of Philip, shit, I said it again, fu-" Sonny took another bite to shut himself up.

"I know. I agree totally. The headlines are just distractions from the real news." I told him.

"It's not that bad, you're being dramatic." Thomas countered.

"The world is like straight up on fire, pana." Sonny pointed out.

"I'm just saying. It's probably not as bad as the liberal media makes it sound."

"Dice pendejadas!" Sonny laughed to me.

"¡Claro!" I agreed that Thomas was indeed full of shit, "él es tonto, pero muy guapo."

Sonny shrugged, "él es a'ight."

Thomas was watching us go back and forth, "that's not fair."

"Mon pauvre cher." I teased him in a language he could understand.

Thomas smiled, "that's better, even if you're patronizing me."

After dinner Thomas went to the living room and Philip asked for help opening his toy. Sonny helped me clear the table and do the dishes.

"Can I, uh, would it be alright… what I'm trying to say is…"

"You need a place to stay for a couple days?" I asked, handing him a plate to dry.

"Is that cool?"

"Always."

"Thanks, bro. You're the dude."

"Just doing what was done for me. You know abuela will help you too."

"I hate asking her, though, man. She always go spouting on some biblía bullshit about how I gotta like be patient or some shit, bro, ain't no bible gon' fix my shit."

"She means well."

"Man, I know, but i just feel guilty up in her spot, all them dead Jesuses and Mary and the fuckin' Pope all staring at me all the time. Nah."

"There's so many dead Jesuses." I chuckled in agreement.

"It be like hella creepy."

"Hella." I nodded.

We finished the dishes and he joined me on the fire escape for a smoke.

"How old are you?" I asked, holding the cigarette out.

Sonny took it between his fingers, "shh."

I got Philip ready for bed and put the extra quilt I kept up in my closet and a pillow from my bed on the sofa for Sonny.

"Buenas noches," I fist bumped him.

"Buenas noches."

"¿Tienes que levantarte temprano mañana?"

"Sí, a las seis," I told him. I'd be lucky to sleep in until six.

Sonny made a face.

"Yeah, I don't like it either." I agreed, heading back to my bedroom.

Thomas covered himself up in my bedspread, "you know I don't like all the Spanish. I don't like being left out."

"Sorry it's just… easier with Sonny sometimes, we're big on Spanglish."

"It's not just Sonny, don't you think you talk to Philip too much in Spanish? Aren't the odds stacked high enough against him without Spanish?"

"Well… I want him to be proud of his roots. Being bilingual will help him get a job." I snuggled up to Thomas.

"Hmm… couldn't you do that with French?"

"Well… yeah, I guess."

He held me tightly in his strong arms and grabbed my ass, hitching my leg over his hip, "how lucky are you to have found the only guy in the world who could tolerate playing house with not only your son but also the strays you bring in when I could be out there, getting any twink I wanted."

"I'm so lucky." I breathed him in, nestling against his chest.

"Damn right, you are. I'm young and hot, you know."

"I know you are."

"And I'm here with you."

"So lucky." I repeated.

And while he fucked me I thought of how lucky I was, me, someone so undeserving of everything Thomas was, to have his attention and his affections.

Thomas was in the shower after we finished. I held myself in the after glow, my brain still releasing happy chemicals. I listened to Thomas hum in the shower and got up for a cigarette.

Sonny slept peacefully on the couch, mouth wide open, drooling on the pillow. Moving quietly as to not wake him, I covered him up with the blanket, tucking him in. Life had been too hard on him, he really was a good kid. The fire escape was my quiet refuge as I smoked my last cigarette of the night. Cars passed slowly on the street below, Dominican, Cuban, Puerto Rican, Mexican flags waved gently in the breeze. My fingers drummed a rhythm on the cold metal of the fire escape alza la bandera, la bandera Dominicana. I tamped my cigarette out in the ashtray, went inside for a cup of coffee and went to bed, where Thomas waited for me in the lamplight.

"Hello, gorgeous." I pecked him on the lips.

"Come to bed." Thomas patted the bed beside himself.

I snuggled against his side and hooked my fingers into the waistband of his sleep pants.

"I love you so much, T. I'm so lucky."

"I love you too, Alexander." He was quickly asleep.

I was still awake when Philip timidly opened the door.

"Daddy. Scared." He stood at the edge of the bed.

"Come on, papi." I pulled the covers back for him to get in.

Thomas rolled away from me as I readjusted with Philip, pressing himself into the corner. I held my boy in my arms and kissed his hair.

"Scary dream, daddy." He whispered.

"Dreams aren't real, amor, er… love. They can be scary, though, can't they?"

"Real scary."

"Love you, daddy."

"You keep me safe from monsters."

"Always keep my baby safe. What was your dream?"

"Thomas was a zombie! He tried to eat you and it made you really sad."

"Good thing that's just a dream."

"Uhuh, 'cause I love Thomas bunches."

"Me too."

I fell into my own dream. In a dark room, hearing a voice speaking sweetly to me, unfamiliar, a pang of guilt. It wasn't Thomas's voice.

"I love you, 'Lex. You're so beautiful."

I felt myself blush, undeserving of the praise. It was too dark to see the face that spoke the words. Cold feet between my thighs. Philip was in bed with us and I felt bad for inconveniencing the man who spoke sweetly to me.

"Sorry." I whispered in regards to having to share the bed with Philip.

"It's perfect. Don't be sorry. I've got both of my guys."

I blushed again, Philip was his too. A real family for Philip, not just him stuck with me. A real family for both of us. The pain in my ribs shocked me to consciousness, Philip had rolled over and driven his elbow into my chest. I looked over my shoulder at Thomas sleeping contentedly, facing the wall. Philip snuggled tightly to me and I brushed back his hair.

The dream kept pincers in me. I hated the guilty feeling that washed over me. That my subconscious had been unfaithful to Thomas. Trying to assuage my guilt, I backed my body against Thomas's sleeping form. He was warm and rolled over to spoon me. Safe. Warm. Guilty. Philip held Thomas's hand where it draped over my hip. I hated myself for letting my subconscious imagine anything that wasn't Thomas. Philip snored quietly. There wouldn't be any more sleeping tonight. I reached around my boy to my coffee cup and took a drink of the cold liquid.

Philip was none the wiser as I tapped out silent piano melodies on his back. Still trying to finish the silly project I'd been working on for what, the last seven years.

My brain turned over lyrics for Nina, the girl that felt like me, what would I be if I never saw Manhattan, if my parents had stayed in Puerto Rico? Nothing came after those lyrics. I played the imaginary melody on Philip's back again and moved through the scenes in my mind, still unsure of the big moments of conflict that would drive the plot so it wasn't so 'day in the life' but nothing sounded right.

I took another drink of my cold coffee and Thomas stretched.

"What are you doing?" He whispered, blinking.

"Just can't sleep."

"If Philip wasn't here I'd give you something to make you sleep."

I shuddered at how suggestive that comment was and pushed back against the warmth of his body. He held me in his strong arms and coiled strands of my hair around his fingers.

Thomas fell back asleep, breath hot on the back of my neck. Unable to find sleep, but trapped by the sleeping bodies flanking me, I continued to think through my musical.

Come on brain, think of things. Come on brain, be so smart.

What could change my life?

What was worth writing?

What would change the landscape of the community around me?

I thought of Abuela, the bills I'd seen stacking up on her kitchen table. Wouldn't it be great if she won the lottery?

Wouldn't it be great if any of us did?

If Sonny could climb his way out of his situation. If Gabriela and Carmen could put it into the salon. If the Solario's could take a vacation. If I could show Philip the Caribbean, pay off student loans, help Abuela. We were all too practical for lavishness.

The foolish mental gymnastics my mind did were quickly chastised by my reason. It's silly to get into these crazy hypotheticals.

It's silly to get into these crazy hypotheticals.

It's silly when we get ourselves into these crazy hypotheticals, you really want some bread then go ahead…

It's silly when we get into these crazy hypotheticals, you really want some bread, then go ahead create a set of goals and cross 'em off when you pursue 'em.

Wait, shit. Yes.

I scrambled over the top of Philip and hurried to my desk, drafting those lyrics in the moonlight. I silently set my keyboard up on the desk, plugged in my headphones and started plinking out the rhythm.

…with that money I know precisely what I'm doing.

I lost the train of thought and stared over my shoulder at Philip sleeping peacefully.

Spend a few on you, 'cause the only room with a view is a room with you in it.

What would Thomas do with that kind of money? He didn't need it. But what would he do?

I played the same melody slowly.

If I won the lottery, you'd never see me again, I'll be downtown… I chuckled at how plausible the answer seemed.

Damn, we only joking, stay broke then.

Philip snuggled up to Thomas and Thomas held him.

I drank coffee on the fire escape until the sun came up, chain-smoking and watching the sun crest over the GWB. The door slid open quietly and I looked over my shoulder, Sonny was wrapped in the blanket he'd slept under, he came outside to sit with me. I wrapped the edge of the quilt around my shoulders, and we sat like two kids in a pillow fort together, passing a cigarette and watching the sun come up.

"What got you up so early, man?" He asked after we'd had our fill of sitting in the silence of the morning.

"Couldn't sleep."

"Working on songs?"

"Yeah." I admitted sheepishly, knowing it was a foolhardy endeavor to even try and write my silly show.

"You put me in it yet?"

I flicked the smoldering ash off the end of the smoke and looked at him.

"Sonny, what would you do if you won the lottery?"

"Like how much? Like a fuck ton? Like ten million?"

"I don't know… a normal amount, I guess. Not a… fuck ton."

"So like, ninety-six thousand?"

"Oddly specific, but sure. What would you do if you won ninety-six thousand dollars?"

"Shit, man, I'd fix housing, give the barrio computers, and that wireless browsin' wifi shit, we got too many kids going without good edu-ma-cation, I'd be out there teachin' 'bout gentrification, we got too many rich people penetratin', we pay corporations but like we should be like protestin' and shit. I mean, my, my rent is escalating and we got racism in this nation gettin' blatant 'cause politicians be mad hatin' on immigrants and shit. But like, I wouldn't lose my mu'fucking focus, man, nah, the ghetto got too many promises for me to keep."

I smirked at him, trying to stifle giggles, "you are so cute."

"What?" He frowned, cheeks turning red, "...I was just thinkin' off the top of my head."

"Nah, bro, I like your fire. I used to be firey."

"Til you got a ritzy job working for the white man, getting all Get Out brainwashed and shit."

"No, until I had a kid and had to put all my protest energy into making PB and J's."

"Mhm, I'm just sayin' bro, they mad scammin' in the theatre."

"I work for the most interracial company in the city."

He put on a whisper, "that's what they want you to think."

"You've got way too many conspiracy theories."

"Ain't a theory, bruh, it's the truth ruth."

I shook my head and rolled my eyes at him, but the truth of the matter was that I hoped that he never lost that spark, that fire to make things better.

"You're a good kid, Sonny."

He shrugged and helped me up to start the hustle of the day. He helped me make breakfast for Philip.

"Your dude eating breakfast at your spot, too?" Sonny asked, cracking eggs.

"Nah, he might later, lucky fool gets to sleep in."

We went through the motions of the day, my mind slogging and tired as it worked through the activities I'd had set aside for the day. Thomas didn't come over, but once I got Philip to bed I managed to sleep. It was fitful and restless, but by definition, it was still sleep.

The next few days followed suit just as that day had, my nights were consumed by guilty dreams about the man with the smokey voice that told me sweet things. My guilt accumulated with every passing night.

Thomas called me during an afternoon spent working with Lafayette.

"Hey, babe, what's up?"

"Want to go out with you. Bored."

"Okay. Like this weekend?"

"No, tonight."

"Tonight?"

"Yes, tonight," he mocked my tone, "for chrissakes, Alexander, man up, your grandmother will watch Philip, we're going out."

"Okay… pick me up at eight?"

"Prude. I'll pick you up at nine."

"Okay, nine works too, you're probably right. That's probably better."

That night Thomas did pick me up at nine… or thereabouts, nine and nine thirty were essentially the same thing. Philip was sleeping over in Abuela's apartment, she said not to worry about picking him up when I got home.

Thomas was waiting in the car for me, I opened the door and shut it once I was inside.

"Damn, you look good." I complimented him.

White suit, satin magenta shirt open halfway down his chest, gold chain framing his clavicle, hair perfectly symmetrical in a spray that bounced as he looked over his shoulder to check for traffic.

"I do what I can."

I didn't realize it was that kind of go out and had settled on just a grey sweater and my nicer jeans. I picked at a loose thread and felt under dressed, not that I really had too many other fancy options, that wasn't the kind of life I lived.

We got to the club that Thomas wanted to go to and made our way through the line, he knew the bouncer, exchanged a complicated handshake with him and then we were on our way inside.

I waited beside him at the bar and he ordered his sex on the beach, smirking at the bartender. I ordered just a rum and coke, sticking to my usual. Thomas started a tab, hand on my ass and pulled me to the dancefloor. I looked around at the other people in the club, beautiful, perfect, half dressed and stared down at my Vans. I was completely out of place here, I sipped my drink, hoping that I could just stop caring, that the anxiety bubbling through me would get drowned in rum.

We danced together, he was a perfect dancer, I just followed the motions, letting him lead. Letting him guide me. A few drinks in and it got more and more enjoyable. I leaned in on Thomas and swayed my hips to the music. The one thing that I was good at was moving my hips. My penchant for drunken salsa was a compelling argument in both nature and nurture, but I watched with a puffed chest as it undid Thomas.

"I'm gonna go take a piss, then I'm taking you home, at this rate, I might just fuck you right in the backseat." He whispered in my ear.

My body ached for him at those words. When he disappeared through the crowd I dropped our glasses off at the bar. A man down the bar smirked at me. I nodded back.

Please don't come over here.

Please don't come over here.

Of course, though, he did, "hey,"

I gave another nod, trying to convey my disinterest, "hey."

"I saw you over there dancing. You're a good dancer."

My cheeks burned and tightened with a smile I didn't mean to make, feeling awkward and anxious, "oh, thanks."

The man, taller than me, slim, but muscular, dark, molten eyes, took my hand, "may I?"

I tried to take my hand back without making myself seem rude, "I, um, I have a boyfriend, but, uh, well, thanks for… the invite."

He put his other hand on the back of the chair I was sitting in, getting closer to me, "he know how lucky he is?"

"I… I mean, yeah… yeah."

Thomas became visible, I saw him before he saw me.

"You sure I can't steal you away for one dance?"

"No, I don't think that's a great idea."

Thomas put his hand on my back and smiled a tightlipped smile, with black eagle eyes at my would-be suitor, "we have a problem here?"

I shook my head quickly, "no, babe, everything's fine."

The other man quickly spoke up, "sorry, man, wasn't trying to overstep. You guys have a good night."

Thomas smiled his tightlipped Cheshire grin once more, kept his hand on my back and walked me out the door of the club. I chanced a glance at him and decided to stay silent while we waited for valet. He schmoozed with the driver when his car was pulled around and slid into the driver's seat.

"Fuck was that?" his knuckles turned white on the steering wheel.

"I told him I wasn't interested." I promised.

Thomas seethed, he swerved just a little bit pulling away from the curb, I wondered if he was good to drive, but thought it better not to say anything.

"Can't fucking believe you, Alex."

"I told him no, T. I swear. I would never…" I couldn't even speak it, my guilty dreams flashed in my mind.

"Wouldn't what Alex?" His jaw clenched and unclenched.

"I would never be unfaithful to you, Thomas. I would never try to make you jealous." I picked at the same loose threads from earlier.

"Jealous? I'm not jealous. I can take all those assholes, whatever."

"I know…"

He sped up, still gripping the steering wheel, his veins popping out on the back of his hand.

"I'm sorry."

"Damned right, you're sorry. Embarrass me. I try and take you out, make you feel special… that's what I get for being such a generous guy, get made a fucking fool of, and by you. Jesus fucking Christ, Alexander. You really pulled one over on me tonight, didn't you, baby?"

I had nothing else to say, nothing that would make it better, so I just let silent tears roll down my cheeks.

"That's right, classic. Classic fucking Alex, right there. That's perfect. So I'm the one that gets fucking cuckolded and emasculated, but you're the one that gets to throw a fucking pity party for yourself, I don't know what I expected."

I made myself stop crying, hearing echoing words from my father in Thomas's voice. We made it in one piece to his apartment. I followed him into the elevator and stood against the wall, watching his nostrils flare. This was the first time he'd ever actually scared me, but this was also the drunkest I guess I'd ever seen him. It made sense, I mean, if he was drunk, it made sense that he'd react like this, especially because he didn't hear me telling that guy I wasn't interested. All he saw was me blushing and smiling like a stupid school girl. I wasn't flirting, I was just awkward. His fists clenched and unclenched, I waited for him to turn violent, sure that it was coming, surer still that I'd deserve it.

Thomas took a deep breath once we got into his loft and all of the tension seemed to leave his body.

"I'm sorry for losing my temper." He hugged me and I melted into him.

"It's okay. I didn't mean to embarrass you, Thomas. I'd never want to make you feel bad, you mean so much to me."

"I just…" his voice cracked, "I saw that guy and I just… I can't imagine losing you, Alex. You're too beautiful. I don't know what I would do if I lost you."

"I'm not going anywhere, Thomas. I'm all yours."

"I complain about a lot, I know I do, but that's just how invested in you I am. Can't you tell that? That I just want what's best for you?" I heard him cry as his hand knotted in the hair at the nape of my neck.

"I know you do. Shh… I know you do." I comforted him.

"God, it's hard enough not being the most important thing in your life. I know, you say it enough that that's always going to be your kid. But what would I do if I wasn't the most important man in your life, Alex?"

"I don't know. But you never will, Thom… never. I promise."

He petted my hair and wept, holding me tightly. We stood in the hallway of his loft like that. I was almost too desentized to feel anything. Part of me wanted to leave, the other part, the part that would win, wanted us to lick each other's wounds and make things right again.

"I love you, Alex." He kissed me, tongue tasting mine, hands trailing my body.

"I love you, too. I'm so sorry."

"Let me make love to you. Let me forgive you."

I nodded and followed him to his bedroom where we undressed ourselves, he pushed me back onto his bed pressing rough kisses down my neck.

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are." He murmured against my flesh.

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

He clamped a hand over my mouth and I realized that this was not the time to be speaking. I felt along his body, fisting my hand around his cock and stroking it. He bit his lip, pleasure creeping into his face as he reached for the lube he left next to the lamp on his bedside table.

"Will you?" I asked him, used to prepping myself, but desperate for his touch.

"Because I love you."

"You love me so well, Thomas."

He pressed a lubed finger into my entrance and I hissed, Thomas wasn't one to be gentle, but after how I'd embarrassed him, I was sure that I deserved it. Another finger I wasn't ready for left me jumping, he held my shoulder, hushing me. It was all okay. I was fine, I could take it, be what he needed me to be.

"Love you. Love you, Thom. Love… God… love you."

"That's right, Alex. That's goddamn right."

He pulled out abruptly and I gasped at the sense of loss. It was quickly replaced with the push of his thick cock entering me. I cried out, biting his shoulder, my ankle hitching over his hip. My fingers grooving in the knobs of his spine.

"Mine." He growled into my ear.

"All yours." I agreed, rooting for his lips.

Had to kiss him. Had to kiss it better. He moved within me and I found the pace to rock with him. And the world seemed to burn.

"You love me, Alex?"

"Of course I love you, Thomas. You are the only man I'll ever love."

"Only man you want buried inside you?"

"Forever."

"Yeah."

I wished that forever was a promises that was even on the table for him. I knew that I was temporary for him. I hated knowing that I was temporary. His length stroking my prostate was almost enough to make me forget that I was only there to warm his cock until he got bored. Almost. Tears stung my eyes. The pleasing pressure on my prostate and the thought of him casting, me, Philip, us aside whenever he finally got bored was too overwhelming.

Thomas stopped moving in me, "flip over."

He pulled out long enough for me to get on my knees and elbows. He didn't want to see me cry, usually I wasn't a 'cry during sex' kind of guy, but it had been a long night. A difficult night. His thrusts were faster now. This was what I was used to from Thomas. I knew precisely when to anticipate the fist in my hair.

"Gonna fuck you 'til I come, cream your ass so hard you'll see stars, you got that?" He reached around my hip to take my hardness into his fist.

I nodded, hot tears still leaking out of my eyes, not even sure what emotion I was feeling, just the intensity of the world closing in on me.

"Hot little slut. Love fucking you until you cry."

At least I did something right. The burn of ripping hair at my temples excited me more. My stomach shuddered and my toes curled as my orgasm hit.

"Couldn't even wait for me, could you, sex little whore?"

I shook my head, feeling spent. He sped up his pace, ramming into me, knocking the headboard into the wall behind the bed. I gasped and let out a scream of bliss as he continued to fuck into me hard, my walls still reverberating from my first dose of pleasure. He grunted, pace becoming erratic.

"Fuck… fuck… Alexander. Fucking… goddamn." He bent over me as he spent himself, his wet heat filling me.

We both panted, bodies in unison, sticky with sweat, the smell of our sex in the air. He pulled out and was on his way to the bathroom, the shower turning on and him humming to himself. I hoped that I would never again hurt him the way that I had and that this truly had made it better.

I was dozing when he came back, hair pulled up high on his head, the moonlight showing off just how similar his cheekbones and Laf's looked without his hair in the way.

"I love you, Thomas." I whispered as he crawled in bed with me.

"Mmm." He let me snuggle against him and fell asleep quickly.

I managed to sleep and woke to my alarm, nearly falling out of bed at the startle of realizing that it wasn't my own. I hurried to get home to Philip, leaving Thomas without waking him.

Back at my own apartment building, I picked Philip up from Abuela's and took him upstairs to feed him and get him dressed.

"What did you do with Abuela?" I asked him.

"We made pictures."

"Oh, yeah? Of what?"

He grabbed a drawing out of his backpack. I recognized myself and him from how he drew us, but there was a giant rectangle on the other side of him.

"What's this?" I pointed at the rectangle.

"That's for my mama or my daddy number two. It's blank so I can fill it in later when I get one, whenever we're a real family and not just daddy and Pip."

I nodded, trying not to acknowledge how deeply that stung, "gotcha."

"Maybe I can put Thomas there if he ever wanted to be my daddy… but I think he just doesn't want me to be his kid… maybe 'cause sometimes I'm bad and he only wants a good boy."

I crouched beside him and swept his hair back, "no, listen, you are a good boy, you're never bad, sometimes you make mistakes, or even bad choices, but you're a good boy and if Thomas doesn't want to be your second daddy then that's on him and he doesn't even know what he's missing because, buddy, being your daddy is the best thing in the whole wide world."

"It is?"

"It is." I promised.

"Sometimes I wish we had a real family."

"I know… I wish I could give you that, you don't know how much I do, baby."

"But my mama wasn't big enough to be a good mama, even though you were big enough to be a good- the bestest, daddy forever in my whole life, but 'cause my mama wasn't ready to be a mama I don't have a real family… just daddy and Pip."

"We're a pretty good little family, though, we have Abuelita, and oncle Laf."

"Yeah, I guess that's true."

"And all the people in the barri-neighbourhood, like the Solario's and the ladies at the salon, and Sonny and Fernando."

"Yeah! I love all those people."

"They love you bunches." I kissed the top of his head.

"I love them bunches-er."

I chuckled, "alright, shorty, let's get you going. Daddy has to meet with the guy who's gonna make the costumes for the show."

"Can I have a costume?"

"Not Halloween costumes, the costumes for the show."

"Oh… I was hoping I could be a bat… or a golden retriever… or maybe just a dinosaur."

'I like all those ideas. We'll have to think more about it around Halloween."

"I love Halloween." He sighed dreamily.

I dropped him off, met with Lafayette and Hercules, feeling the palpable sexual tension between the two of them, the way that Lafayette leaned in, laughed when things weren't even that funny. I gave it two months before Laf called me with juicy stories to recount. The evening routine went alright, I wasn't surprised to not hear from Thomas, figuring it would be another day or so before I did.

I felt restless. Chain smoking on the fire escape wasn't doing it so I switched on the old baby monitor and looped it into my belt loop like a headset and set off for a walk. I knew from practice exactly what the in range radius was and walked it, processing new lyrics and melodies.

It was a still night, the orange haze of street lights illuminating my path as I walked, listening to the sounds of the city just a few blocks away, but this little stretch, it was quiet. It was home, even when it wasn't perfect, it was home. As I walked, I kept an eye out for Sonny, wondering where he'd spent the last two nights since I'd heard from him. It was a safe bet that he was either back home, staying with 'Nando, or found a suitor to crash with. I hoped for the latter. Kid deserved it.

The thoughts of the empty rectangle from Philip's drawing came into my mind. What was I doing with Thomas if even my child knew that he'd never fill the missing piece. I felt foolish for loving him so much, letting things go this far if he wasn't going to be able to be that for us, for my boy. I thought a lot about the previous night, about how I'd tearfully promised that I wasn't going to go anywhere. I had too many promises to keep. As usual, there were too many eyes on me. Too many people to not let down.

I flicked the glowing cherry off my cigarette and headed back home from my walk, nervous that Philip would wake up and find me gone, it had only happened once, but I felt like the worst person ever when it had. Desperate for sleep, but too disheartened to sleep alone I crawled into Philip's bed with him.

He blinked at me despite my efforts not to wake him, "did you have a scary dream, daddy?"

"No, daddy just wanted to snuggle his boy."

Philip slipped into my arms and I breathed him in, letting that be what overwhelmed my thoughts and my senses. I'd done alright with him. Somehow, with Philip's warm, sleepy body beside me I slept. I slept deeply and restfully leaving me feeling more ready to take on the day when morning came.