Eva won't look at me. She won't even talk to me. I plead with her, request her, but she doesn't listens to me. She hates me. She herself tells me this.

She walks away from the me on the street, crossing the road, refusing to take a ride. She is very mad at me. I still follow her, not being able to stay away from her. I am nothing without her. Nothing.

She sees me following her and runs into a cafe. She will get herself in problem, I think as I follow her inside. She is no where to be seen. I check the counter, the waiting area, the sitting area. I panic. The cafe is very small for a person to hide. Still I keep looking, searching for her.

I hear a scream from the other side of the cafe. I recognize the voice. I can recognize it anywhere. It is Eva, but she is yelling my name. She is in a trouble.

I rounded the cafe to look for her. I find Nathan instead. He is gloating as he shows me the various clips of Eva he has, documented her pain. He shows me each and every photo, telling me how she used to scream then. I realise she was shrieking in pain in the videos.

I want vengeance for her. I want violence.

"Get off her!" I bellowed. "Now!" But he is laughing instead.

I punch him in the face. He tries to punch me back and leaves a mark on my jaw. "You will not hurt her!" I yell as I kick him on his hip, rejoicing from the pain when he groans. He is shaking with defeat, wanting retreat very badly. Vengeance is shining in his eyes.

He takes out his baseball bat and starts beating me. I try to escape it but I can't.

I fall on the sidewalk, shielding myself from the bat strokes. I find a knife on the floor. I pick it up and stand up, despite the pain I'm in.

"You had hurt her enough. You won't hurt her again." I say and stab the knife in his chest.

He falls on his back. He is no more alive.

I am looking at his dead body when Eva finds me. She is crying. I try to go to her, reach her and take her pain away, but she steps back.

"What did you do, Gideon?" She whispers, afraid of me.

"I was trying to save you, Eva.

She shudders. "You took the matter in your hand. You are a killer."

"Don't be afraid of me. I won't hurt you."

"But you killed him."

"I was trying to save you, Eva. Please don't go away from me."

"You are disgusting. You are a killer. I hate you!" She goes away from me, never looking back. I am trying to follow her—

I fell off the bed, waking myself up from the dream. No, not a dream—a nightmare. I looked at the clock by the nightstand. It was just half past five in the morning. Outside, the sky was changing from the black to grey, marking the dawn.

Another day I woke without Eva.

Weekends had always been long for me as I had nothing to do. Very little work, nothing to indulge into. Going to the bars, hanging out with friends, finding a girl to fuck her, just to shut my mind off. It has always been this, until Eva stepped in my life. She had stirred up every goddamn thing that now I could never settle for less. She was my reward for the weekend, my prize for the busy week I spent at my office, keeping distance between us.

The last weekend—when we were together, happy, away from the whole world—now seemed another life time. A lifetime where I was happy. Where I had someone to hold onto. But she is angry with me.

She didn't even look at me yesterday for the whole night when I had tried to be with her. And when she did I had to keep my cover so I couldn't look at her. But when the detectives had gone, she didn't ask me what I had told them. She wasn't being jealous the way she becomes when I excused again and again to answer a few calls.

She was far away from me—a place I couldn't reach, couldn't catch her when she runs away. A place where she wasn't going to allow me.

I knew I had deserved that. I had made her heart bleed—worse I was the one who made sure she was hurting.

What if she distances herself from me for forever? What if she doesn't look at me the way I am used to? What if she finds a way to live without me? What if she finds someone else?

I shook my head.

I won't allow it. I'll be in her life, on a continuous guard. I would see no one reaches her. I would see she doesn't falls in any trouble. I would be a part of her life anyway I can be. Even if from a goddamned distance.

·

·

·

I readied myself for the day. I took a shower, caffeinated myself, checked with Angus on any updates, and asked of Eva. She was still at home.

I went in my home office and started working on a few things. It was quarter to nine when I got an unexpected call.

"Hello, Mr. Cross. It's detective Michna from NYPD. Can you stop by the station? 17th precinct."

"What happen?"

"Nothing. We just had a few things to show you."

What was it? An evidence against me? Anyone who saw me coming or going? I knew the consequences of my actions but it was still hard to live them.

"Okay." I did not let my voice shake it or betray me. "I'll be there with my attorney in a few minutes." Let them know that I will be prepared.

"There is no need for counsel, Mr. Cross, but feel free to bring them."

"Okay."

I made the next call to Arash. He usually went for running on weekends. If he was still jogging...

He picked the phone in a few rings. "It's Saturday, Cross. Give me a break."

"Take a break later, Madani. I got a call from NYPD. They are expecting me."

He was in his fully commanding lawyer mode now. "What happen?"

I wondered what to tell him. So here it is, Madani. Eva was threatened so I killed her abuser, releasing her from him forever. And now the police is suspecting me. I have to find a loophole through which I can escape the crime I actually did.

"Where are you?"

"I'm at CrossTrainers."

"I'll be there in ten minutes. I'll tell you everything then."

"Done."

I called Raúl and told him to pull the car out.

It wasn't any business meeting. Everything about this was personal. I wore a white shirt with my blue jeans, wearing the Rolex. I kept the collar button open, rolled the sleeves up and was down in the garage. Raúl was waiting for me there. I told him to drive to CrossTrainers. Meanwhile I called Angus. He told me he didn't see Eva come down or anything. She was still home—that means the detectives had just called me. But Monica had gone there—she seemed worse. He talked to Clancy and got to know that the detectives had stopped by at Shanton's which, apparently, had made Monica keyed up.

I told him to follow Eva everywhere, as I did not want those detectives to corner her. It was a relief that Victor was going to be with her the whole time.

Outside CrossTrainers, dressed in casual work out clothes with sweat lingering on his hair and temples, Madani was waiting for me with a small duffel bag in his hands. He had wore a black undershirt with shorts.

He climbed in the car and I told Raúl to drive to the 17th precinct.

"Will you tell me what all shit is happening, Cross?"

I was debating what should I tell him, but being my attorney he had to know everything. Leaning back and crossing my ankle over the other knee, I filled him with everything I could tell him. "Remember that day when I had to postpone an important meeting on Thursday due to an impromptu meeting."

"Yes. We were dealing with the Japanese Tech company for supplies."

"Yes. That day, Eva's stepbrother Nathan Barker showed up. He is an abuser by nature and had always tortured her. He had some inappropriate pictures of Eva documented that he was willing to bargain in exchange of two and a half million."

He looked shocked by the revelation. "And you are telling me now?!"

"It was personal, Arash. Everything about that was personal. Anyway, Nathan also blackmailed Shanton, —"

"Richard Shanton? Mega financier Shanton?"

"He is Eva's stepfather. He agreed to give Barker required amount, but I refused. He showed up again on Monday, still I refused him. He wanted to show me what he could do, so he attacked Cary, Eva's best friend and roommate, on last Friday night—He was barely alive, fully covered up in bruises and bandages. On this Monday, he called me to show what all he can do. He was following Eva, tracking her every move. So I agreed to pay him five millions. But before I could pay him, which was going to happen yesterday midnight, NYPD showed up and informed that he was found dead last morning."

He was taking in the whole thing that it took him a couple of minutes to say anything.

"They are suspecting you?" But it wasn't a question and we both knew it.

"Along with Richard Shanton, Monica Shanton and Eva."

"This is all fucked up, Gideon. Murder!" he looked outside the window. Then he tilted his head and glanced at me. "Did you plan it?"

Yes. For Eva. "No! Obviously not."

He nodded, finding it right. "Do you have a tight alibi?"

"I was at the pre-launch event, remember? It was after three when I was finished for the day."

"Yes. The fire incident." He was silent for another minute. "Who do you think did this?"

"I have no fucking clue, Arash. It's all messed up."

"True."

Arash asked me my whole week's schedule, every minute, and I told him whatever I remembered. I filled him in with whatever I thought mattered in the fifteen minutes drive.

We entered the 17th precinct where we were welcomed by the pile of files and the many police personnel moving in a hurry, many people seated almost at every corner. The whole station looked like a whole another world, with detectives and police in work clothes and casual clothes, with many people—criminals—behind the bars.

We found Detectives Graves and Michna sitting by a desk.

"Detectives." I greeted with a shake of my hand. "This is my attorney, Arash Madani."

"Hello, detectives." He greeted. "Let's go to another room where there is silence."

He waited for no reply and they both took us to an interrogation room. It has walls coloured dark grey with minimal light. The only entry and exit was the door—no window. The half glass on a wall in front of us reflected our posture—both of us reflecting calm as we sat in the chairs. They took a chair, the loud scraping noise of the chair against the tiles disturbing the desolate silence filled in the room.

"We want to tell you about what we know so you can fill us in with what you know." Detective Michna said as we seated ourselves on the desk.

"I think I told you everything I knew yesterday itself, detectives."

"What about your visit to North Carolina with Eva on the previous weekend. I heard you weren't back until Sunday midnight."

I knew it was a loophole I had to cover.

"We left for North Carolina Friday night. We broke in a fight by Sunday and didn't see each other than until yesterday."

"Except you met her at the hospital and arranged a cot for her?"

No lies here. "Cary was brutally injured. She was sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't see that and arranged it. I have been a huge benefactor at the hospital so it was easy to arrange for me."

"Just because they had broken up doesn't mean he shouldn't care of her." Arash interrupted again. I had told Arash already about my supposedly breakup with Eva and the story I had laid. He knew everything about Friday night, the brawl, the drive, the imaginary fight we had, and my help which made possible for Eva to stay at the hospital. "Eva needed him then and he was there for her. Nothing should be pressing for that, isn't it?"

Graves nodded, "What do you have to say about the urgent request of master keys at the hotel Nathan was staying in by your bodyguard, Angus."

"Nathan had just threatened me so I thought about talking with him face to face. But he wasn't there so I didn't use it. Angus had returned it within a few minutes as I recall." I murmured innocently.

"And," Arash inserted, "that hotel is his subsidiary. He can demand a key or ask Angus to demand it on his behalf, and he didn't use it to enter in any room without informing. There is no violation in that."

Michna nodded this time. "And what about your personal bodyguard following her everywhere?"

"Just because he had asked his driver, his personal bodyguard, to keep a protective eye on Eva till he pays the money doesn't makes him a suspect. It just shows that he still cares enough for her."

I nodded for what Arash said, and gave them my statement, looking at Graves. "You know well yourself, detective, that Nathan was going to hurt her. It was just a precautionary measure, detective Graves. I couldn't pay him till Friday, as I told you earlier, and I feared he may get impatient."

"Well, you were right about that." Michna interrupted. "We found this in his room." He showed us some photographs of Eva, being followed without knowing. I had already heard about them by Angus, but seeing them first hand was very scary.

There were many of Eva, going to lunch with her friends, one with her Wednesday lunch with Mark and his partner, Steven, of her going to her Krav Maga class. And there were many photos of us together. There was one photo of us sitting together in Tableau One, another of us walking to Crossfire together. There was one of Cary getting out of his home. One of Monica sitting in the car. One of me standing at Crossfire. There was also a small piece of paper napkin which may have been of Eva.

Arash said what I was thinking. "This man was a homicidal. He was not only stalking Eva but also Gideon. He could have kidnapped her, killed her!"

Michna nodded, looking grim. "It was the possibility. In a day or a month, a year, he would have done it. And this brings the question: who did this?"

"You can't just point at my client because he has a reason. There is no way he can do it."

"We are well aware of that, Mr. Madani. So we want to ask you, both of you, who do you suspect?"

"We have no comments to pass unless we know who you are leaning onto." Arash interjected in my defence.

"Fair enough." Michna said, noting it in his notepad. "Well, did Nathan told you about anything or meeting with someone?"

"Nope. But I knew he wanted to leave the country."

"Do you know a particular reason?"

"No." The phone call interrupted. It was in DND mode so I checked. It was Eva. "Sorry, I have to take it." Then in the phone, "Cross. I really can't talk right now." Please listen to me once, I prayed.

The detectives were taking in my every expression, so I spoke very carefully, making sure I said nothing that would give up my cover story.

"Then just listen." She was in fumes. "I'll time myself. One minute. One goddamn minute of your time. Can you give me that?"

She was clearly exasperated. Maybe she saw something or found out about Nathan. Monica was there...

"I really —"

"Did Nathan come to you with photos of me?"

"This isn't —"

"Did he?" She snapped, impatient.

"Yes." I said with my teeth.

"Did you look at them?"

I had done that when Nathan had come to me. He made sure I see them. Oh, for fuck's sake, how I execrated that son of a bitch. I took a long breathe, clearing off the memories of those photos. Then, "Yes." It came out as a curse.

She breathed slowly, mumbling on the phone. "Okay." I had expected her angry or crying, but she was patient. "I think you're a total asshole for letting me go to Dr. Petersen's office when you knew you weren't coming because you were going out with another woman instead. That's just serious douchebag territory, Gideon. And worse, it was a Kingsman event, too, which should've had some sentimental value to you, considering that's how —" even when she was angry with me, it came out like she was scolding me, teaching me. She was hurt beyond measure. And that part started breaking me.

I stood up, excusing myself and went out of their listening ears outside the room. I can't let her leave me, and that too over the phone. I was already near to slipping off my mask, wanting to explain her a little so she doesn't leave me.

Before I could say anything, she was rushing. "I think you're a coward for not coming right out and saying we're over, especially before you started fucking around with someone else."

"Eva. Goddamn it." Please, listen to me.

"But I want you to know that even though the way you've handled this is fucking wrong and you've broken my heart into millions of tiny pieces and I've lost all respect for you, I don't blame you for how you feel after seeing those pictures of me. I get it."

"Stop." I breathed. She can't just take the blame off me by being understanding about it. Even when she was taking it the wrong way. How could she possibly think that seeing her past would make me hate her, leave her.

"I don't want you to blame yourself, okay? After what you and I have been through—not that I know what you've been through because you never told me—but anyway..." It came out so shaky, I felt I could not breathe.

When she said again before I could, her voice was very small, watery, very slowly, like each word was piercing her, just like it was stabbing my heart. "Don't blame yourself. I don't. I just want you to know that."

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand. "Christ. Please stop, Eva."

"I'm done. I hope you find—Never mind. Good-bye."

The phone went dead. I glanced down at my screen, realising my hands were shaking. I clenched the phone in my fist, wearing my impenetrable mask again. I had a work to do, and I wanted to get over it already. I went back to where all the other were waiting for me. "Sorry."

"Something wrong, Mr. Cross?" Graves queried, her blue eyes too intelligent for my good. She could be a problem.

"No. Continue, please "

"There is nothing to continue. We'll let you know when we find anything."

"Thank you." I said, standing and was walking quickly before I realized I felt dead from inside.

Arash was a few more minutes with the detectives, checking everything, making sure I wasn't a suspect. He joined me in the car within a few minutes.

"Thanks for coming."

"You should have called me yesterday itself."

"Her dad is a cop himself. That's why I said I'll tell you when you are wanted."

"I get it, but that Nathan is a psychopath, Gideon! Eva would have been in a big trouble if he wasn't dead."

"I know. Thanks heaven he is dead for good."

"How is Eva?"

Tortured. Broken. Shattered. Bleeding from her heart. "She'll be fine."

He nodded, getting what I wasn't telling. "And you."

Dead from inside. Couldn't breathe as she had broken up with me. "I'm good."

"What did Eva had to say?" I didn't say anything. "You didn't tell me you both had broken up."

"My life is not for you to discuss, Madani!" I found myself yelling. "I want it personal! Can you please not ask me fucking questions?"

"Okay, Gideon." I heard him say but I couldn't get myself to apologize him for yelling. I didn't feel anything except for the emptiness in my heart. I looked outside the tinted glass at a Saturday in New York. Everything looked different now. There were less people walking on the sidewalk. They all were probably spending their weekend with their families, their special ones, enjoying their company. They were with their reward after a busy work week.

There was a time when I had no one to spend the weekends with, but then I got Eva. She was my reward for everything, for every misery I had, for every trouble I had been in, for my past. She was the prize universe gifted me with after years of struggle. I longed to spend two undisturbed days of every week with her.

She had become my whole life, my home where I longed to go.

And now I was deprived for her. She no longer wanted me in her life.

The problem was, I realized, she could live with out me, she didn't want me, but I needed her. Like air. I couldn't breathe without her...

I dropped Arash off at the gym. "Don't tell anything about this to anyone at the party tonight." I ordered. He mock saluted me as he stepped out. I told Raúl to take me to the penthouse.

The moment I stepped in all the memories, all the moments I had spent with Eva here came back to me, rushing. The first time I brought her here, our first night here, when she woke me up from my nightmare, when she told me about her past over the couch... Every moment I had spent with her here piled up in the memories.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stand. I felt like I was still captured in my nightmare, unable to wake myself up. I could still here her broken voice, see her pale face, read the confused expression on her face, look at the horror and the disbelief I had seen in her eyes.

I took my laptop, my tablet, charger and walked away from the penthouse, not finding it liveable without Eva. I went to my apartment in the Upper West Side. She had left with her father, but still I knew I was near her, in her life as I could.

She had walked away from me and I let her, but that never meant I can't be a part of her life. I would be, in any way I could find. If I had to look at her through the cameras only, hear her voice through her office phone, live through the fact that she was in the apartment next door and below me in Crossfire, I could. I would.

I looked at her photo which graced a major part of the wall—of her blowing kisses to me—and imagined her like this, happy, blissful, giddy. With me. Just like she was on the weekend.

If I had known I would never get weekends like those ever again, I would have never come back.

·

·

·

I was standing outside Arnoldo's door at seven with a Barbers d'Alba for the Italian food he would be treating us with. I knew he was going to present us dishes he was going to make in the show, for a trial round.

He welcomed me in, dressed in sweats and a NYU T-Shirt, no one could say he isn't a new Yorker. Arash was already seated, whereas Manuel was still not here.

"Hey, Gideon. How are you?"

"All fine, Arnoldo." I have him the wine and before I could ask him pleasantries, I sniffed. "What are you cooking. It smells delicious."

"It tastes even better." I grinned at him. It was very much hard to concentrate on anything when my mind and heart was with Eva. What was she doing now? Where will she eat her dinner? When will she come home?

I tried very hard to seem happy, but the throbbing pain of knowledge that I didn't have Eva anymore kept on nagging me. It felt dumb to spend time with my friends now when I just wanted to crawl in the bed and dream about her. I tried to go second by second, forcing myself to act properly, not hurt the few people who still cared for me.

Arash was helping Arnoldo making the dish, trying to learn it. Manuel came after a good ten minutes and sat beside me. "Cheer up, man. You look like you are sick."

"I am fine."

"You don't look so." He observed.

I scowled. Apparently, I wasn't good at hiding my emotions as I thought I would be. "It's nothing. Just a headache."

"Okay." He grinned, always in jovial mood, "You'll be better once we hit the bar."

I am not going to give more reasons to Eva to be suspicious and angry with me, like going with my friends who would most probably be looking for women. "I'm not going there, Manuel."

"Jeez, just because you have Eva now doesn't mean you can't have any fun. We'll just get the drinks, and I and Arash will hunt for girls."

"Stop thinking, you guys." Arash grumbled from the island counter. "Hey, Gideon, wanna taste this dessert thing. It's just scrumptious."

"It's called Tiramisù, Arash." Arnoldo said in his thick Italian accent, to which Manuel interrupted, "Do you really think we'll remember the name, chef?" Arnoldo shook his head with amusement, continuing, "Also, I am going to make this in the show, so I want honest reviews."

"Are we your tasting buds, Arnoldo?"

"Yes, actually. Why do you think I made dinner then!"

Manuel laughed at that with Arash, and said, "We get to eat these. We can't be idiots to complain about it."

"Yes." I agreed. "Arnoldo is very much excited for the second season of the show."

"Why shouldn't I be? It is getting good TRP and people are loving the show, which is directly helping in raising customers for the restaurant. As we say, è tutto per il bene. It's all for the best."

"Salute." I said, toasting the beer can I had in my hand. They all toasted too, and jumped on the appetizer Risotto along with Penne All'arrabbiata, telling Arnoldo that it was delicious and perfect and he should totally get this dish on the show. I tried to be happy but I found myself nibbling on my food rather than tasting and eating it. Arnoldo looked at me, checking me, and then nodded. I tried to smile. He thanked us and handed us the dessert. We told the same to it, and that he should add this in the chef's recommendations. We ate the food and then they all decided to hit the bars. I told them no, that I had some work to do.

"But why?" Manuel asked. Arash already knew it and Arnoldo had some idea that I and Eva were on the rocks, that we needed to be each other in order to work our relationship. Manuel had no idea and I respected my friends thoughtfulness to not tell him anything.

They let me excuse myself while Arnoldo also said that he won't come, too, as he had some work to do for the restaurant and the show. At the end it was Arash and Manuel who hit the bars. Arnoldo tried to talk with me but I excused myself.

I went back to my Upper West Side apartment. It was quarter to ten and Eva wasn't back yet.

I worked in the living room, so like hers, waiting for Angus to tell me when she would be home. It was during night, at past ten and a half, when Angus told me that they were coming back by a cab.

I got a text from Ireland. I hope you and Eva are fine.

We are. Thanks for asking. Are you good?

She replied instantly. I am all good. Martha's cookies did the magic. I hope you and Eva worked it out.

I didn't want Ireland to get upset or thinking about these things. She was just a kid. So I didn't answer the question then. I just let it go, unanswered, hoping to write when I was good.

I heard Eva enter the hallway. She was laughing with Victor. I sat against the door and listened to them go inside their apartment.

I slept in the couch itself, not willing to enter the room where I was expecting to be with her.

·

·

·

Sunday went the same. Eva was gone for half day with Victor and I watched her go and come through the full wall glass. I worked and worked, not wanting any free moment when my mind would wander back. But when Eva came back with Victor after two, I couldn't.

I just sat on the couch watching the photos of Eva and I—together, blissfully in love—and of Eva that graced the walls. One of her blowing kisses and the other one which I had captured while she was asleep, on my first night in her house. She was wearing a baby doll dress while her face was rid of any makeup, glowed by the only light provided by a candle.

Victor went back at eight and Angus followed Eva, who went to drop her dad at the airport, in case she needed a right.

The detectives didn't call again after yesterday, but Corinne did many times. I finally picked up her call after dinner.

"Cross."

She sighed, and then she said in a whisper. "I was thinking even this call will go to your voicemail."

"What happen, Corinne? Why were you calling?"

"Can't a friend call another friend on a Sunday evening?"

"I have a lot of work to catch on, Corinne. If you, please, tell me why were you calling."

"I hadn't heard of you since Friday, so I was worried."

"I never told you to wait for my call." I muttered, letting her know that I wasn't, at all, interested in her.

"But after that party on Thursday —"

"About that, I'm sorry I wasn't able to see you off. I hope Raúl took you home carefully."

"He was great. And I understand. That fire could have been worse."

"Yes. Thankfully there wasn't any media coverage about that. It was the last thing I wanted."

"So you looked at the photos and story of that night." She sounded pleased and I realised I just built a hole for myself.

"Obviously. I wanted to check about what they had to say about the product. It is new for the company, indulging in a alcohol product, but I was sure. The market for that is good and —"

"What are you doing now?" She interrupted.

If it had been Eva, she would have listened to me and gave her input in the whole thing, letting me know that she has a good knowledge of market. And she solves problem easily, with a handy solution. I wonder what will it be like if she joins Cross Industries. May be as a PR or maybe in advertising—

I leaned back on the couch, looking at Eva. There was nothing I did that doesn't involve her.

"It's still early." She continued, breaking my musings. "How about we go for a beer or at a bar? Sure you can take out some time for your friend."

I knew it would happen if I let that window open. Corinne had taken the opportunity and made sure everyone think that we were getting back, and that she spends some time with me to make me fall for her. I have used her to save Eva, and this was a consequence I had to pay.

"I'm sorry, Corinne. But I seriously can't. I have a meeting in a few minutes." It was a lie, but she never knew me enough to catch that. If it had been Eva she would have picked on it.

"Oh. Should I come to your place then?"

The penthouse has only seen two women apart from the house service. One was my mother who had barged in my home one day when I had upset her somehow, and the other one was Eva, whom I had invited willingly. I don't want any other female to come and mock the absence of Eva.

"Sorry, but no."

"But why?"

I sighed, frustrated. "Didn't I make it quite clear that I am not looking for any relationship."

"I know, that, Gideon. And I wasn't expecting it. It's just —"

"I know what you have in your mind, Corinne. And I don't want to give that idea of yours any space to grow. If you want to tell me something else, I am all ears."

"Why are you being like this, Gideon?" Her voice broke, and I hated myself in that moment. To save someone, I was using the other. I was no good. "You used to love me."

Yes. I used to love her the way I knew. Which wasn't what I have with Eva. I had settled myself with less with Corinne, letting myself have what I was provided. I never knew what I was missing because I had no idea. But with Eva, I knew the feeling now.

"Used to being the main words here."

"We still can get on the track, Gideon."

"We were never on the track, Corinne. Never. Goodbye." I ended the call.

I took the earpiece off and switched my phone to DND mode. I didn't want anyone to disturb me now.

·

·

·

Monday came and went. There were only a few highlights of the day—when Eva entered the Crossfire and I got to se her through the camera, when she left for lunch and I saw her again, and then in the evening when she went home.

Ireland and I chatted a little bit, sending messages, instead of calling, and not waiting for instant reply. Of all the things that were going wrong, only that thing was going in the right direction. It was a good method. No pretences, no pauses, no absurdities. Just casual texting.

She asked me about Eva and me again, How are both of you? Please say you both didn't break up. I told her Eva and I are on a break now, wanting to have some time for a little perspective of things. She sent me crying emoticon. I like her. Please say you will try to work things out with her. I didn't want to upset her, so I wrote, I promise. She texted me back, I want to meet her again, bro. And I told her, We'll plan something.

Sure. She texted back. I'll help you get back together.

I liked her very much that moment. No one had ever tried to out effort for me. Not until Eva. And certainly not my mother or Corinne, the only romantic relationship I ever had other than Eva's. They all always got their way and never paid attention to me. But now I had one more lady who was willing to do so.

I would always be grateful to her to ask me to invite Ireland. She always got me, even when I didn't know what I wanted. I hoped she would like that I was improving, or rather starting, my relationship on good terms with my sister.

But in my office, I found myself yelling and scowling every other minute. I wasn't myself, calm and focused, even during the meetings. Scott got a very hard time from me and so did many of them.

After lunch, when Eva came back to Crossfire, I couldn't stop myself from ringing at her office, wanting, needing to hear her voice. I thought I would go insane if I spent another minute without knowing she was fine, and still very much with me in any way I can get her.

She picked up her phone, a little breathless. "Mark Garrity's office, Eva Tramell speaking."

I didn't say anything. I just heard her, saw her behind my closed eyes.

"Is anyone there? Hello?"

" Angel!" I wanted to say but I stopped myself and listened to her for a second before ending the call.

I forced myself to go through my day, attend the meetings, go to my martial arts class with Cho—where I was beaten up very badly by my trainer as I did not have my mind on the training—and then have dinner, which I nibbled rather than eat it. I had lost all my appetite.

I spent the night in Upper West Side again, to be as close to her as I could.

The only thing I was waiting was for the detectives to drop the case so that I could find a way back to Eva.

·

·

·

Tuesday started out same. My day started when I saw Eva, even when I woke up early due to a nightmare which still lingered behind my eyes. The fact that Eva was starting out a life without me haunted me, even when I was asleep.

I was in my office, working on my laptop when Scott came in. "Mr. Vidal is here."

"Ah, yes". He wanted to talk about the upcoming Six-Ninths tour. "Send him in."

Chris walked in, wearing a hunter green shirt with a khaki pants, his attire completed by his loafers. He liked to dress casual, even for work. With his copper waves and the grey-green eyes, he looked handsome, just like my father.

I had once thought about accepting him at my father's place, but when he, too, had never said anything about what happened to me, like he never knew, I no longer wished to give him that. That place will always be vacant. When he tried to show affection to me, I told him to not act like he cared for me. From that moment, we always had a work relationship. And we both were content in that.

"Chris." I greeted, shaking his hand. "I wasn't expecting you."

I gestured at the couch opposite the bar, facing the glass wall. The view up from here of the New York City always had my interest and so to Chris. He denied the beer I offered him, taking water instead, and sat on the couch, facing the view.

"The view from here never gets old." He mumbled, looking outside.

"Charm of New York City."

He faced me, taking his tablet out from his office bag and giving it to me. "I wanted to tell you about the tour. Have your views about it."

"I guess I told you Friday itself—you should arrange the schedule according to the band. I have no issues."

"You are the owner of Vidal Records, Gideon, —"

"Major share holder, Chris. It will always be yours."

He smiled, and for a moment I could see that he was touched by that but he quickly let it go. "So, here is the schedule the band has decided. This week in Illinois and Michigan, the next in Ohio, Indiana and Tennessee. They will go next to West Virginia and Virginia, followed by Pennsylvania in their fourth week. They will arrive New York in their forth week by Thursday or Friday—it's not decided yet—where they will launch a video for their Golden song. Then they will take their tour to West America for remaining August. As of September, the places are not decided yet, but when they are I'll inform you."

"What does Christopher has to say about the schedule?"

Christopher always hated the fact that I had major shares of the company, which according to him should be his. And to size up with me he had always taken some nasty decisions, for which I had to step in whenever it went wrong, which fuelled him more. He had hated me from the starting and I never wished to give him more reasons for that. I already have enough on my plate.

"He is happy with it, mainly because we'll be covering many places in such a short span of time. The Six-Ninths have agreed to do concerts even on week days and travel as to three states a week. This is huge. They are very much hard working and their songs are already topping the list."

"Yes. Their songs are different." Pouring their personal sex lives in the song, writing them to have Eva back with him...

"Will you be coming to any of the concerts?"

"I guess I have to say no. But I'll attend the one in New York."

"It is at Times Square."

"I'll be there."

He shut his tablet off and placed it aside. I started to get up but he was still seated so I sat back.

"I know it is not anything of my concern—Ireland should have respected your privacy—but she told me you and Eva are on a break."

I should have known that. My mother would have already told Chris about my dates with Corinne and Ireland was worried. Unlike me, she had many people to share things and secrets with. And she was a teenager, a child. I cannot keep a grudge against her for worrying about her brother and telling her father.

"It's all fine, Chris." I didn't want to discuss my personal problem with anyone but Eva.

"You are not fine, Gideon. Didn't you look at a mirror today?"

The answer was no. I had not been able to concentrate on myself.

"You look like shit—no offence. You have clearly lost some weight and your hair is grown. I have never seen you out of your element. This was what got Ireland all worried."

"Chris, she has no idea —"

"She told me about the detectives. Just me, not your mother." He assured me.

"I told her not to tell anyone."

"She was trying to hide it, but she was not herself when she reached home. Pretty much shaken up. I got her talking and she got it out of her mouth without meaning to do it. Don't be angry at her."

"I'm not, Chris. Even I was worried about her." I mumbled.

"She had never experienced bully herself, and she doesn't know anyone who have experienced it. It was all too much for her."

I lost all the warmth I felt for him. I had already accepted it: just like my mother, he, too, never thought that I was telling him the truth. He too believed everyone else but me. But for him to say that, to hear it myself when I thought he cared for his children—including me. Would he accept it, believe it, if Ireland told him she was bullied, that she was raped.

The thought was too much. I didn't want Ireland to have the trauma I had experienced.

"I'll take care of myself, Chris. If you don't mind, I have a meeting now..."

"Oh! Of course. I'll take a leave now and send you an email of the tour plans."

I stood up and he followed my lead. "Listen, Ireland told me to pass on her message, thinking you may listen to me. It was so innocent of her, but I hope you will appreciate her efforts. She wants you to bring Eva with you when you come for the video release at Times Square."

I nodded. He was right—she was still an innocent teenager. "I'll see what I can do."

"I'll see you around." I nodded and saw him to the gate.

When he was gone, Scott came in. "Your video conference with the team in Arizona has already began. They have some plans for the resort and the parking system —"

"Can't I get a few fucking minutes for myself, Scott?" I yelled. I was too much agitated already to keep patience. I lost control on my calm more than often now.

"Should I hold them off for a few minutes?" He mumbled quietly. He was used to my mood swings now. He knew I could snap at whoever was near me, which was mostly him.

I took a deep breath. "Give me a couple of minutes, please. Give them a few documents or tell our designing team to handle it for a little time, whatever goes."

He nodded, closing the gate. I frosted the glass door and sat on my chair, unconsciously calling Eva on her office phone. I just wanted to hear her voice.

She spoke with her usual greeting. But for some strange reason, I liked that she sounded not so herself, cheerful and warm, on the phone. I took the comfort in the knowledge that she too was going through a hard time. It just meant that I still had a chance to get her back, that she wasn't seeing anyone.

"Hello? Who is this?" She asked on the phone again. I said nothing. I just listened to her. Her voice, no matter how agitated or sad, always managed to chase my demons away. She was my safe place, my own paradise. Just listening to her made my day.

After a few seconds she cut the phone off herself.

I got up and made my way to the awaited meeting.

·

·

·

"Hello, Gideon." Dr. Peterson greeted me as I entered his office.

He was an elderly man, with grey shedding hair and sharp, blue, intelligent eyes which knew how to read someone.

I hadn't had a mind to go to my counselling today after such a fucked up week and a missed appointment, but I knew how much it meant to Eva. It was just her thought that I was here.

"Hello, Dr. Peterson." I greeted him and sat on the couch in his office, opposite to his chair in the small, almost luxurious room which had a neutral furniture in it. There were no photos or decor items that graced the room, but the bright colours in the hectic life of New York always seemed inviting.

"How are you?"

"I've had better days.."

He was now used to getting shirt and crisp answers from me. "Well then, let's talk about your week."

"It just started." I pointed out.

"So let's start with why you missed your appointments previous week." He prompted.

How could he be so fucking patient all the time?! "I had a few time sensitive meetings come up at the last moment. Sorry I didn't inform you."

"It's all right. So, how were your weeks?"

"Fucked up." Pretty much.

"Let's elaborate that. What part of the week do you consider more disturbing?"

The whole week. "Nathan was in New York. He was found dead on Friday."

Both news shocked him. It was visible on his face. His immediate question didn't surprise me. "How is Eva?" He asked, concerned. He knew about her past and how much she was still afraid of him.

"She was pretty much shaken up when the detectives told us the information."

"Us. So I assume you were with her."

"We had a dinner this Friday. Her father was here."

"How was your meeting with him?"

"Pretty much awkward. He wasn't that inviting towards me."

"And that made you feel a little left out?"

"Not much. I was expecting it. Ireland, my sister, covered it up though. Victor was good with her."

"But that doesn't answer how you felt about that?"

I breathed deeply, hating to share my feeling with a psychiatrist. "I tried my best to make him see how much I cared for Eva, but I guess his whole attention was on her that he didn't see my efforts."

A hint of a smile touched his face. "We fathers' see our daughters as babies, Gideon. It must have been a little disorienting for him, too, to meet someone who is a major part of his baby's life now, have become just within a couple of months. Of course he would have concentrated on Eva, seeing how she reacts when she is around you and how you are when you are around her."

"Makes sense."

"You said with your sister. How did it go with her?"

"It was good." I concluded. He waited patiently for me to elaborate. "She is a teenager, and I'd never stayed with her. It started out awkward but then we both grew comfortable."

"Are you still in contact with her?"

"We exchange messages now and then. Nothing of importance."

"You seemed surprise when she got comfortable with you?"

"I've no experience with young teens. She is fond of Eva, and Eva had asked me to bring her..."

"Do you not like that Eva likes your sister, or the other way around?"

"No. I've no problem with that. She is good with Ireland. And the same goes other way around."

"How did it feel when you opened up a little with your sister?"

I thought about that. "It was weird, but in a strange way."

He nodded at that, typing it in his tablet. "Would you consider spending another evening with her?"

"I don't think so, but considering, I won't mind it, and especially if Eva is with me."

"Okay. Which brings us back to, how was your dinner with Eva?"

"Nothing like I hadn't expected."

"Should I take it was good? Or bad? Considering how agitated she was with your absence the last time I saw her, I take it was the latter."

He knew we both needed time. I nodded curtly, not elaborating.

"What do you think drove you on the edge?"

I crossed my ankles. "If I am guessing right, she already told you about her last week the last time you saw her."

She very much relied on the shrinks, like they would give you a medicine and all your problems would go away.

He nodded. "Yes. But I need to hear your side of the story before I comment anything."

"I had a lot of work on my plate. Nathan was in the city—I knew that—so I was trying to keep her safe while dealing with him, making up for the work I had missed and postponed for the weekend, dealing with Cary's injuries and making arrangements for Eva's stay in the hospital, meetings even in the evening, and she was roaming in the city without taking lifts from my driver, even when I told her not to leave unattended. It made me crazy."

"Didn't you think of telling her about Nathan."

"And see her being terrified of him the whole time? No!"

"Okay. What did you feel about the letter she had e-mailed you?"

I breathed deeply, remembering her uncensored thoughts, and how she thought that I wasn't obsessed with her, that I wasn't miserable without her. "It shredded me, completely."

"But still you didn't stay with her." It wasn't a question so I waited for him to say something else. When I didn't, "How did she react when she saw you on Friday?"

"She didn't look at me for the whole night. She was ignoring me for the most part. When I came close to her, she told me not to pretend something we didn't have any more."

"You haven't reconciled her since then?"

"I had to attend the Thursday meeting with my ex, Corinne. And she was hurt by that."

I didn't elaborate more. He knew Corinne had always been Eva's problem, the main problem in our relationship due to which we stumbled often.

He closed the tablet and leaned towards me, his icy blue eyes, so sharp and intelligent, grew more piercing as he gazed at me. "You know what she told me feared her the most?"

I shook my head, straightening myself. I didn't have any power for that. She had the power to shake my whole world, and her raw feelings always did that. Whenever she said I love you, those simple words made my hands shake. I had no fucking clue what her fears would do to me.

"She told me the worst case scenario for her: You not cutting her off but driving her away, drifting her apart. She will cling to you, not wanting to leave you, loosing all her self worth. And that when you do, she will not know better and end up like she was after Nathan and you will already be moving forward in your life."

I was already shaking my head, too sacred to say anything. She feared separation from me! She feared I'll cut her off my life, ending her all fucked up! She ended with me because she didn't want me to end up with her being all fucked up. She thought I won't end my shit with Corinne, that she thought it better to end with me. It was her self-preservation. She was running away again, but this time she had a reason. She had always told me: I don't want to lose my self-esteem in you, Gideon.

I couldn't catch her this time, I wasn't able to.

"She has gotten it all wrong" I breathed. I had no goddamn clue why I was saying it aloud. "She's my whole world. I can't survive if she isn't with me."

His answering smile, full of understanding and sympathy, made it more hard to not show my feelings. "I know that Gideon. But it isn't me you should be saying that too."

"She knows. I have already told her."

"Maybe you have to remind her again. Look Gideon, I told this to Eva and I am telling this to you, too. You both are not only working on this relationship as a couple, but you are also working on yourself as we go."

"There will be times when you will head back a little, but during that time Eva has to know that she still have you. Right now, she feels she doesn't. That's why she is not letting the worst case scenario play in her head. She will try to cut it off herself if you keep drifting away, no matter what reason. And we both know—she has mentioned it many times—about her feelings for your ex. Just because she has accepted your past doesn't means she will be accepting of the people in it."

"I know that." That was the reason I have, as to say, used Corinne. Her natural instincts were her natural alibis. Else she was a direct suspect. Keeping her safe was the only reason I was asking Corinne for favours. But now I get why she was more upset. She had told me, mentioned it time to time, how she felt of Corinne trying to step in my life, and I was giving her an open window. Eva was working on self-preservation.

"She told me how you feel about expressing your feelings in words. And she understands it. But right now, she wants to hear it. That is the only assurance she wants—your words."

"But my every move, every action, every thing I do —"

"She have been deprived of you for the whole week, Gideon. Your actions spoke volumes, I see that, but she can't. Is it that hard for you to say something that you actually feel?"

"I have seen people fall out of love." I explained. "One moment the words meant everything and the other it meant nothing, just broken promises."

"Still it won't hurt us if we say them. It's the beauty of those words, those feelings. Sometimes the words speak harder than actions."

"For her," he continued, "actions always meant something else. Monica always had Eva's safety in her mind, but she always read that safety measurements as bondages. She hated those actions. Even with her father, the act of sending her to Dr. Travis had volume, but his words that he still loved her, no matter if she was dysfunctional, gave her the courage to go there."

"She had been stripped of saying her words when she was a child herself. For her, the actions were never enough. Monica never read her face, never understood why she was always so conscious of everything she said. For her, words has always mattered. That was why she told you the moment she realised she was in love with you. That was why she told me directly, because for her it mattered that she put it out, even if I could read it."

"I never thought about that."

His eyes smiled as he looked at me. "She is unreachable right now. Maybe it's the words that she'll hear and come back to you."

"Thanks, doc."

"I hope you conciliate with her."

I smiled, very much sure of that. "Oh, I will." I was very sure of that.

"So, let's talk about the rest of your week now."

I settled back, reminiscing the whole time after the last time I had seen him.

Obviously, all I talked about was her.