"The Captain's W.C."
A Ghost and Mrs Muir Story
By TunnelsOfTheSouth
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"No matter what they wish for, no matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves. That's all…"
Haruki Murakam
"It's the pipes," Ed Peevey pronounced solemnly. "In cases of back-ups like this, it's always the pipes." His mournful expression grew even longer.
"What does he mean, the pipes?" Carolyn asked Martha, as the two women exchanged worried glances. They were all standing in the middle of the Victorian splendour of Gull Cottage's main bathroom, watching Ed Peevey study the urgent issue of the pipes.
Around them, every marble-tiled surface gleamed. The claw-footed bathtub was truly vast, beneath an overhead shower with a well-polished brass head. Twin vanities lined one wall, holding white china bowls big enough to bathe a baby in. Everything had a stern, no-nonsense air of permanence.
But, for days now, there had been troubling noises and strange rumblings coming from the large, white, vitreous china commode that stood proudly in one corner of the room. The children had become convinced it was haunted and preferred to use their own smaller, bathroom upstairs.
"Don't ask me anything about pipes." Martha shrugged. "I'm just a cook, not a plumber. But, it sounds expensive."
"Very expensive…" Ed Peevy nodded slowly. "Can't be helped. It's the pipes out in the garden. They'll need to be dug up and replaced. Happens a lot in these old houses." He pointed to the ceiling. "Affects your upstairs, too. All goes together."
"You know I would help if I could." Hovering nervously in the doorway, Claymore Gregg cleared his throat apologetically. "I tried to tell you last time, Mrs Muir, that I cannot be held responsible for any such repairs." He pulled a large handkerchief from his trouser pocket and mopped his brow.
"I have it all in here." He waved the large bundle of documents he was holding. "You must remember that your lease states that the landlord is not responsible for the maintenance of any modern appliances. I felt I was being very generous last time when I fixed the hot water boiler for you. And several other things around here. Surely, those pipes are not in my domain. They came with the house. You know who's actually responsible." He raised his eyebrows significantly.
"There's nothing wrong with my pipes!" Captain Gregg materialised next to Claymore, making his great-nephew start, badly. "They've always served me well, in the past." He glared at Claymore. "I see you're already back to your penny-pinching best."
"It's all in the paperwork," Claymore muttered nervously, from the side of his mouth. "I have a signed lease for this house, you know that. I really should be going. I have other clients I must attend to..."
"You will attend to the client right in front of, you snivelling cheapskate! Or it will be the worse for you," Daniel demanded hotly. "How could any sane person hope to deal with such an addled-pated ninny?"
"We have the urgent matter of blocked pipes to talk about." Carolyn shot the two men a quelling look. "Claymore, you know you must pay for this."
Daniel ignored her censure. "Thirty years ago, Gregg, your late, unlamented father had clod-hopping barnacles of clueless workmen swarming all over my house, making dust and din. They cut holes in all the walls and broke off pieces of my good plasterwork. They near drove me mad with their incessant hammering and drilling. All to install those new-fangled electric lights. What was wrong with my perfectly good lanterns and candles? I detest such modern inconveniences with a passion!"
"I'm sure you'll get an answer today, some time." Martha handed Ed a rag to wipe his hands on. "The whole town knows Claymore hates to part with his money."
"Yep. Common knowledge in the town." Ed Peevey shook his head.
"My father had to make the cottage pay its way," Claymore defended his late parent to Daniel, in a defiant whisper. "No summer renter would have wanted to make do without electricity. No-one wants to live like that. Nor can they do without a bathroom that doesn't work properly." He waved an impatient hand at the fixtures before them.
"Summer renters…" Captain Gregg ground his teeth. "They boarded my ship without my permission. I saw them off! None stayed long enough to complain. However, I am still saddled with a house full of snaking wires and flameless bulbs. It's an abomination!"
"But, I… I..." Claymore stammered, starting to look a little green around the gills.
"Keep it down, you two," Carolyn hissed, waving her hand behind her back at them. "That's all in the past. We need electricity. And we need to get this fixed, now. I will not keep my children in a house without functioning bathrooms."
"Two, Mrs Muir?" Martha raised her brows. "Mr Peevey is waiting patiently for Claymore's instructions. He hasn't been able to get his instructions because you two are arguing." She looked significantly from Carolyn to Claymore.
Carolyn nodded. "Thank you, Martha. I'm aware Mr Peevey is being very patient."
"I can take a great deal of comfort in the fact that you will be paying for all of this," Daniel hissed at Claymore. "You won't see a single dime of my money!"
"Money isn't everything." Carolyn shared a quelling look between them. "We need to be certain that the bathroom won't flood at any given moment. We can settle who plays for it all, later."
"Told you, it's the pipes." Mr Peevey nodded. "And I doubt the tank's been emptied for years." He directed his next mournful look at Claymore. "Always been a big problem in Schooner Bay, the tanks. Out of sight, until…" He shrugged mournfully. "Pipes…"
"Well, I…" Claymore floundered. "Surely, I'm not to blame for all of it? The house had been vacant for over twenty years. Mrs Muir only moved in two weeks ago. I simply haven't had time to attend to every small matter."
"And that's another bone I have to pick with your father." Daniel set his fists on his hips. "I was very fortunate to be docked at London town in late August of 1851." He looked from Claymore to Carolyn, significantly.
They both stared back at him, appearing completely lost.
"I do not believe this…" Daniel heaved a frustrated sigh. "The Great Exhibition at Crystal Palace. The greatest display of culture and industry the entire world had ever seen."
He spread his arms wide. "Anyone who was anyone in the world was there. I even had the privilege to observe her Majesty the Queen. From a very respectful distance, of course."
"Sorry, but I've never heard of it." Carolyn shook her head.
"Well before my time," Claymore claimed, gamely.
"God, give me strength! One of the Great Exhibition's landmark inventions was the incomparable luxury of an indoor water closet. It was a marvellous thing to behold. And it cost only a single penny to experience the wonders of modern plumbing."
He stabbed one finger towards the bathroom's fixtures. "I decided then and there that the house I was planning to build here in Schooner Bay deserved such luxuries. When I docked in New York, I ordered an entire bathroom suite, shipped it up here myself, and had it installed."
His gaze turned inwards. "You should have seen it. They had them installed in the best hotels. A very handsome bathroom suite built entirely of the finest mahogany and lined with beaten tin. It even came with an overhead shower. It made one feel like a king."
He rounded on the hapless Claymore. "Your father had his bone-headed, clumsy dolts of workmen tear out my entire mahogany suite and replace it with this modern junk!" His finger stabbed anew at the gleaming white china fixtures. "And they changed out the upstairs bathroom, as well. All without my permission."
"The pipes…" Mr Peevey intoned, looking confused. "I thought we were here to address the pipes. I'm waiting for my orders. Mrs Muir?" He raised his eyebrows at her, deferentially.
"Mrs Muir, you are not to pay for this outrage!" Daniel flared. "Make this skin-flint here pay what he owes. My pipes were never out of order."
"That's because you've been dead for over a hundred years," Carolyn whispered, sweetly. "Things move on. Pipes do block up."
Daniel frowned at her. "I'll have you know I could have charged the princely sum of two pennies if I'd had a mind to do so. My indoor plumbing was the very first, and the very best, in the town. It caused quite the sensation. They were queuing up at the gate, just to look, I'll have you know."
"Yes, well, that's as may be. But now we have a sensation of our own." Carolyn turned back to Mr Peevey. "We cannot possibly go on living here, without decent plumbing."
"This simple issue could drive you away from Gull Cottage?" Daniel demanded. "You would leave over such a trifle?"
"At least until the pipes are fixed." Carolyn moved to stand beside him. "And don't you dare mention that little wooden house you have hidden away down at the bottom of the garden," she whispered fiercely. "That is another urgent matter that needs attending to, as soon as possible. Don't think the children haven't already found it. Scruffy nearly fell in the other day. I have banned them from going there. It's far too dangerous."
"That was dug out for the convenience of the workmen who built my house." Daniel looked completely mystified. "I would have lost valuable hours if they had to travel the two miles back into town. One must always be practical in such matters. I doubt a mere woman would understand."
"Oh, I don't think the issue would ever come to such an awful pass," Claymore protested. "That necessity is completely out of the question." He shuddered. "I would not have you forced to use such a terrible place."
He looked back at Ed Peevey. "Whatever it costs, of course, I'll pay." He glared at Daniel. "I am the lawful owner of this house, after all. And I do have my reputation to think of."
"The accident of my demise does not give you the right to lord it here, sirree. This is my ship, I am in command here."
"As long as someone pays up," Martha interposed briskly. "Claymore, you need to sort this out and fast. Or do we need to phone and book rooms at the hotel for an indefinite stay?"
"Just how long will it take to clear the pipes, Mr Peevey?" Carolyn asked, giving the handyman her best smile. "If you get right onto it."
"Well…" Peevey ran his hand up and around the back of his neck, faint colour washing into his pale cheeks. "Since you asked so nicely, Mrs Muir. I can clear the rest of the day, just for you. I could begin as soon as I've fetched my tools and some extra pairs of hands. We'll need a few strong backs to get it completed today."
He smiled shyly at Martha. "And if we were here on a promise of a mug or two of your excellent coffee, and perhaps some of your special plum cake, we'll work even faster."
"I'll get my pans out, right away." Martha nodded confidently. "At least, I know how to bake."
"Splendid!" Captain Gregg approved. "A decision is finally made. Peevey is a man after my own heart."
"You don't have one, remember?" Carolyn reminded him quietly.
"A mere formality, Mrs Muir." He shrugged. "I would not have you turned out of this house, for such a trifling problem as blocked pipes."
"It wasn't too long ago that you were trying your best to get rid of us."
"A misunderstanding. You took my comments completely out of context. Just like a woman."
"Did I?" Carolyn slanted him an incredulous look. "Did I?"
"I'll see Mr Peevey out." Martha stood back to indicate the handyman was to go before her. "Then I'll get cooking. Hungry men take a lot of feeding."
As she passed Carolyn, she whispered, "Make sure Claymore can pay. Do not let him wriggle out of this." She shook her head. "By the look of him, he's about to pass out at the thought of being forced to open his wallet again, so soon. And I'm too old to even think about manning a shovel."
"I'll take care of it." Carolyn nodded quickly, knowing Claymore's sick look was not caused by the potential size of the plumbing bill.
As soon as they were gone, she rounded on Captain Gregg. "You said we're on trial here. That I must trim my sails…whatever that means. Well, that cuts both ways, Mister. You could, at least, meet us halfway."
"Belay that, Madam." Daniel looked startled. "I would defray any cost, to make sure that you, and the children, are safe and comfortable in this house. My house. You have my solemn word on that."
"If there's a cost to pay, then, of course, I will be happy to stump up the cash," Claymore interposed. "After all, I am your landlord."
"Not by my hand, you snivelling, gutter-snipe!" Daniel raged. "At least I can swear an oath that I never signed anything away for your family to profit from."
"Do you think I wanted to inherit this house?" Claymore demanded to know. "I wasn't given any choice in the matter."
"Gentlemen, please!" Carolyn threw up her hands. "We have a more immediate problem than your sniping at each other. That can wait. We have pipes that need fixing."
"I'll get right onto it, Mrs Muir." Claymore nodded. "Never let it be said that this Gregg ever let you down."
"This Gregg had everything well in hand until you came along!" Daniel countered.
"I give up." Carolyn sighed. "I might as well go and start digging some trenches by myself. I'll leave you two alone, to argue about who's right and who's wrong."
She looked them both up and down. "But we will need two functioning bathrooms, by the time the children get home from school this afternoon. Or we'll all be moving into the hotel in town, until further notice."
Both men turned to gape at her.
"Consider it done, Mrs Muir." Claymore jammed his hat onto his head. "I'll go and see what's keeping Peevey. I'll bid you a good day." He hurried away towards the front door.
Carolyn stared up at Daniel. She smiled, as she shook her head. "The Great Exhibition of 1851, eh? That must have been quite a sight."
"It was, Madam, it was. The greatest collection of men and machines, exotic beasts and plants that had ever been assembled. You would have loved it."
"And all you brought away from such a wonderful collection was a bathroom set made of mahogany and beaten tin."
"It was the wonder of the age, Mrs Muir." Daniel's expression softened. "I wish you could have been there, with me. It was rumoured they made a fortune by charging a penny a turn in the water closets. Of course, that penny also covered a clean towel, a new comb, and a shoeshine."
"Of course…how very practical." Carolyn leaned against the door-jam beside him, trying not to laugh at the wonder in his expression. "And you just had to have one of your very own."
"I am not against all things modern." Daniel looked down at her. "How could I not desire to possess such a practical thing…?"
"I understand perfectly." Carolyn straightened. "I'm more than grateful for your thoughtfulness in installing indoor plumbing. We couldn't live here, without it."
"I understand that now. Some modern things are necessary." Daniel cleared his throat. "And the matter of the small house, you mentioned, at the bottom of the garden?"
"I think that will make a fine potting shed." Carolyn shrugged. "Once the hole has been filled in. For the safety of the children..."
"Mrs Muir, you never cease to amaze me."
"And your tales can sometimes make me yearn for simpler times. I think I would have liked to have seen Queen Victoria. Was she pretty?"
"She looked very much like you. Trim, petite, and quite regal. She had an air about her that was very easy to like." His thoughtful look assessed her closely.
"I bet she could afford the upkeep of the pipes at the castle," Carolyn quipped, to hide her confusion.
"If not, we can always ask Claymore to pay for it." Daniel laughed.
"Poor Claymore. You do love to torture him so."
"He tortures himself. I have never met such a jumpy, addle-brained, sap-head in all my born days! I would barely make my presence known, and he would faint dead away. It was becoming tiresome."
"At least he's stopped fainting when you appear."
"I don't expect that to last. No doubt something will happen to overset him."
He glanced into the bathroom. "I believe I admitted that the house is a bit run down. I will allow Claymore to fix what other tasks need to be attended to. If that will satisfy you, and keep you from running away, again."
"I did not run away!" Carolyn flared. "You were being unfair and unreasonable."
Daniel fixed her with a warning stare. "But, I will allow no more than that. There will be no more holes punched in my walls or my fine plasterwork. Be warned, Mrs Muir! And no-one, I repeat, no-one is permitted to venture into my Wheelhouse, in the attic. That is my private domain, and it shall remain so. Do you understand?"
"Aye, aye, Captain!" Carolyn saluted him smartly.
"Madam, you would surely try the patience of a saint!" Daniel told her roundly. "And believe me when I tell you, that I've known quite a few of those, in the last hundred and thirty-eight years!"
He dematerialised before she could think of a suitable retort. Which, of course, there could never be. How could she counter such an outrageous claim?
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"When we think of the past it's the beautiful things we pick out. We want to believe it was all like that…"
Margaret Atwood
