Coaching Lynn Hidden Whacko

Ok here we go readers another spoof story Loud House style. This time based off several Coach Hines sketches from the MadTV sketch comedy show. During a sibling meeting in spring break with every sibling aged six years, so Lori's engaged at 23, Leni's 22, Luna is currently 21, Luan is now 20, Lynn Jr. is legal at 19, Lincoln is now 17, Lucy is age 14, Lana & Lola are both 12, Lisa is 10, and finally baby Lily is 7. Rated T for Teen for crude/rude sexual humor, comedic violence, and salty language mostly from Lynn. Enjoy!

-Royal Woods, Michigan

In the residence 1216 Franklin Avenue of Royal Woods, Michigan on a Friday afternoon the stakes at the Loud residence couldn't have been any higher. Or to be exact the news couldn't be any bigger. Finally after what seemed like forever Bobby proposed to Lori Loud so naturally she called a sibling meeting. "As of now the emergency sibling starts, as you all literally now Bobby proposed. I'm so happy I can barely contain myself. But before anything else on that Lincoln since you're the oldest in the house now call off the topics you think need worked out.''

"Uh let's see I propose have my own procedure to enact. Here it is.'' Lincoln then drew a capital 'B' with another 'B' underneath with a capital 'P'. "This is my BBP. This ladies is my Brother's Business Protocol. I'd said it before and I'll say it again. And I'm tired of saying it. Stop meddling. No more! If something is going on in my life stay out of it. Capital O. Capital U. And capital T. Out. If any of you think about butting in at any point here's two words for you. Stop you don't well I got ways of getting you... persuaded. Now all in favor?''

All those who knew Lincoln knew he could be a clever mastermind at times, he wasn't called "The Man with The Plan'' for nothing you know. He had ways to back it up. And if he said he had ways of persuading them not to meddle he probably did. Everyone agreed on that idea, secretly though the girls would just have to be a more secretive on how they snooped around.

But all of a sudden Lynn started ranting and raving at Lana. "Hey! Do ya wanna die Lana?! Wanna keel over?! Then put that huge booger down! Cuz this is yer warning! This is yer warning. I see that boogie one more time this is gonna be your two pigtails. Gonna do this! Tear 'em off! Multiple shreds in yer pigtails!''

The older twin swallowed knowing Lynn would carry out such a threat, ever since graduating high school she'd gotten an assistant coaching gig for the middle school. Her nickname 'Lynnsanity' was earned for all the wrong reasons. She called out every player for even the smallest of bad plays, even the ref, marching band, flag kids, hell the even crowd.

What's worse? She carried that attitude home every time. "Alright getting off topic Lincoln what's next on the itinerary?'' Lori asked as her brother looked over to-do list.

Just as Lincoln was opening his mouth Lynn went off again. "Holy mother of God on Earth and in heaven at the exact same time. Who the hell is chewing gum? Who is chewing gum? C'mon who's chewing gum!? Now somebody better own up to it right now or I swear I'm gonna lock all of you in this room and set you on fire! Ok? Who's the BIG FAT COW-MOUTH chewin' gum!?" Lynn hollered.

Gulping out of fear (and swallowing her gum) Lana raised her hand. She brushed her shaggy blonde bangs away from her eye. "Well... uh thanks for owning up to it Lana. I guess.'' Lynn grumbled.

''Ok next on the list is who's going be my model for my art class project. I'm been practicing portraits and I'm thinking... '' Lincoln started to say but again was cut off by Lynn's yelling.

Apparently Lola was checking her makeup in her compact mirror. "New strategy Lola lose the compact or I will murder you! Multiple stab wounds!'' Quickly Lola dropped said mirror with big wide eyes.

Naturally Lucy had to help keep the peace for the moment. This was getting tiring for her, and everybody else. "Lynn I do not think it is the best idea to threaten our siblings.'' She advised.

"Ok y'know what sticks and stones spooky words will never hurt 'em.'' Lynn said glaring Lucy as slunk back to her seat.

Handing the list to Lisa Lincoln wondered just what crazed experiment the young genius wanted to do this time. "Alright my first order on the proverbial chopping block is I need approximately 120 minutes of quiet while my close comrade Darcy works with me on our chemistry project. That is all. Oh this thought occurred to me brother unit I seek your advice after this meeting concludes. It is of a personal nature Lincoln.''

"Oh ok. Well you know where you can find me. Besides its my duty to help any of you any ways I can.'' The boy agree.

"Heh duty.'' Luan snickered at the possible dirty joke.

That also got a fist bump from Luna, who snickered too. Again Lynn went off. "Luna! Listen to me right the hell now! If you and Miss Funnypants don't quit I am gonna cut yer body in half with a coin! I saw it done! Saw it on PCI New York! Not the original the New York one!''

"Ah shaddup Lynn!'' Lola yelled back at her.

Again Lynn fired right back at the beauty queen. "Yer on my list twice now Lola. I kill ya. I revive ya. I kill ya again. I've seen it done. Saw it on PCI Miami!'' Lynn bitched.

But soon another sibling got her temper going. "Hey uh Lisa you lost? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Then find yer seat and sit down!'' The athlete angrily pointed for the nerd to sit her behind back down on the bed.

"Uh thanks Lynn. But I never got a volunteer for my portrait. Anyone? C'mon girls. Really? I help you all out meet me halfway. I can't have this kind of hole in my grade.'' Lincoln asked disappointed.

Just when Lily thought of volunteering Lincoln was stewing with frustration, sure they'd ask him right and left when they needed help but would help him as much? Nope. That irked Lynn the wrong way. She saw Lynn quietly giggling. "Luan?! Is the hole funny to you somehow? Secure yer trap before I staple it! There is a soon to be married sister in this room! Another wisecrack like that or so help me I will guide you through a table saw.''

Clearing her throat Lori went back to the subjects on hand after Lincoln handed the list back to her. "Alrighty here we go I suggest as the oldest that Lucy model for Lincoln. Why? Because after Lincoln Lucy is the most artistic of any of us. What do you all think?''

The vote for that was unanimous, with a beet red Lucy on the receiving end. The blush contrasting against her pale skin tone. "I will try not to let you down Lincoln and I'll... '' Lucy started to say but Lynn threw her hissy fit again.

"Leni! You put down that fashion magazine and you pay attention or I swear I'm gonna tear those go-go boots off and shove 'em down yer throat!'' Lynn berated the second oldest blonde and did a suplex maneuver. "Do not think I won't suplex you! Its just inappropriate.''

Quick as a flash Leni dropped the magazine gulping, she knew Lynn was on her warpath. Despite being a bubble head she knew not to piss off Lynn during said tirades. But Lynn's rage then went to another sibling, as Luan who decided to hold out her hand with the list to Lisa only the nerd used one of her own joy buzzers against her, shocking the comedian. "Lisa! Don't you use that joy buzzer again or you'll disappear so fast you'll be dead and buried way before the Amber Alert goes out!''

"Shut up you jackass jock!" Lincoln cursed at his athletic sibling.

Reeling back from her only brother swearing at her Lynn set off with a wicked comeback. "Ooh! Hey you kiss our mother with that mouth?!''

"Blow it out yer as Lynn!'' Lincoln said getting right in her face.

Like Leni Lisa swallowed for fear of facing Lynn's wrath even more. "Lynn! Lynn this is sibling meeting not a warpath please calm it down. We talked about this.'' Lori told the loud mouthed athlete to clam down.

"I'm good Lori. I'm good. I'm ok. I am in control.'' Lynn said taking a deep breath. "Sorry sis but these jugheads are actin' like a bunch of rectal apertures! I'll be good just gotta breath deep.''

And Lynn kept herself quiet, that is until Luan laugh quietly at one of her own jokes then acting like she was ready to doze off. ''Miss Luan Marie Loud! Is our sis sister's stupid dull monotonous voice putting you to sleep? If I catch ya dozing off again Miss Funnybusiness I'm gonna make sure you sleep for a long, long time. Knock it off Luan! Or I swear I will stab you in the neck with a pencil! God I have had it with these jackasses... '' Lynn muttered.

But it seemed Luan still hadn't gotten the jokes out of her system, as she put on some clown hair. "Luan! Hat off. Hat off! Take that hat off yer head! You know you can hear me!'' She hissed to the family joker. "Don't you play me Luan!''

Who ignored her, as you've guessed. "Ya wanna play games? Wanna play games! Take that hat off yer head. Take the hat off or I'm gonna punch your heart out through the back of yer body! I don't care what yer freaking comedy club says a hat's a hat and its uncalled for at this special meeting!''

Then Lynn stomped on the colorful hairpiece and kicked it away. Sighing Lisa read the next order on the meeting's itinerary. "Ah let's see musically inclined sibling I believe Lori's nuptial's catering is next. Correct? Do you have any possible requests for tasty vittles? Street name: delicious food. What are your suggestions?''

"Dudes I think some tamales... '' Luna started to say.

But Lynn cut her off, like she'd done so many times already. ''Luna do ya wanna get yer ass kicked? Don't be so stereotypical! We're trying to have a holy matrimony. Y'know what instead of peace on earth I'm gonna make it hell on earth! Cuz I will do it! I will set you on fire like a charcoal briquette! So shut it with the Hispanic food slurs!''

That one was crazy, if anything Luna would be most open minded out of any of the siblings. She was bisexual for one thing. Her brother's best friend had a gay interracial couple for god sake. She would be one to know about stereotypes. She was only asking about it out of respect for her in-law's heritage. "Dude I was only suggesting it because its part of Bobby's heritage. Calm it down.'' Luna said. "Breath deep some more.''

The itinerary was passed back to Lincoln who read the next item of interest. ''Ahem. Anyways next up is suggestions is Lily's chaperone for her field trip to the natural history museum. I could probably give it a go, ooh I'm gonna love the new exhibit on the tree amber. And maybe the saber toothed cat they put up and... ''

''Hey ladies! Right here Luan, Lana, Lola! All three of you after the meeting triple murder! Right there. Cuz I'm sick of it, now listen now I'm just as bored by this fossil stuff. But that don't mean its time for chit-chat. Now all we're gonna listen while this dork brother of ours finishes. Because all the useless yakety yak yak ain't helping. Ya don't listen I swear on all that's good and holy I will saw all your ovaries out with a kite string!'' Lynn threatened the three. "Don't wanna brag Lori but this announcement is turnin' out to be a real dud. Right?'' Lynn smirked up at Lori.

Thankfully though Luna came in for the rescue. She put her arm around the loud mouthed sports fan. Very carefully Luna explained what would happen if Lynn could not or would not stop her gums from flapping. "Ok dude ya listen to me. I've always been kinda freaked out by your workouts. But hear this I have been taking Taekwondo lessons with the Moon Goats and dude if you don't shut yer mouth I'm gonna kick you so hard in the va-jay-jay I'll create ya a set of testicles. Got me?'' Luna calmly threatened.

"Roger that rockstar.'' Lynn smiled sheepishly covering her crotch.

"Good idea!'' Lola agreed.

''Yeah be quiet!'' Lana said jumping in the same argument.

''You! You! All of ya shut up! This whole section of you on Leni's bed. Right here! In alphabetical order, mass murder!'' Lynn screamed at Lucy, Lana, Lola, Leni, and Luna.

Pounding her shoe on the beauty table Lori yelled for Lynn to shut her big fat mouth up. "Lynn! Enough! Enough is enough! You will shut up! And suspended from all meetings as of now!'' The oldest said basically banning Lynn from any future meeting.

Downbeat by this crushing decision Lynn turned over her whistle. "I'm suspended huh? From any or all meetings in the future?'' She asked.

''More than likely. Yeah indefinitely.'' Lori nodded confirming her choice.

''Ok. Ok there big sis. Y'know all I wanted to do was uh give my kids the a little something extra in their lives. Be there for 'em. Like our dad was there for us. Like you were there for us too. I swear Lynn Loud Jr. don't you cry. You cry I'll set your own head on fire. Ok anyways I'm sorry I let ya down Lori.'' Lynn said.

"Lynn I'm very sorry that was like, a very moving speech.'' Leni said feeling bad now for her nasty attitude before.

"Thanks but I wasn't finished yet sister very dumbass!'' Lynn hollered.

By this point even Lily had had enough of Lynn's crap, and spoke up with a shocking idea. "Let's kick her ass!'' And then all of Lynn's siblings dog piled her engulfing her in a huge fight dust cloud! Against all her siblings Lynn didn't stand a chance.

-end

Again this quickly written as a spoof and parody of Mad TV's Coach Hines character. Read, review, laugh your asses off, and enjoy. Please read and review this and my other stories which range from: Yokohama Night Monsters, Diclonius Goddess of Steel, Power Rangers Dimension Legends, ELG The Series, EL Digital Saviors, Cybertronian Invasion, and Maverick Hunter KLN to satisfy your craving for bizarre crossovers. This has been TURP "The Crossover Writer" and now slightly less insane phasing out people later.