Barry Walters, Wizard.
My Name is Barry Walters, and I'm a wizard.
I found out I was a wizard in June 1991. Until then I attended Grange Hill in the North of London. where I was interested in musical theatre, and I got to put the battery in the radio microphones. I was looking forward to getting to work the lighting and mixing desk next year.
Professor Pomona Sprout came around to our house on the first Saturday in June and told my parents I was a wizard, and that I was going to Hogwarts school for Witchcraft and Wizardry.
I tried to read everything about magic school before September, but there was a great new series on BBC, so I didn't get all the books read. Mum and Dad looked surprised about me being a wizard,
then just took me to Charing Cross, thought a dire old pub, and into a cobbled street full of magical wonder. That they pretty much ignored, or treated like… we'd gone to Tesco.
One the way home I asked mum, and she looked at me, down her nose "It's just magic Barry."
My mum works at a travel agency, and has long blonde hair. She isn't a very happy person.
My Dad has brown hair like mine, and he, um isn't very happy either.
And the weird part was, they started looking at me and smiling. It felt odd.
The day before the start of term, someone knocked on the door of our house, and mum went into a flap. Which was strange. When it was the police again, (my brother has a moral disability) mum went back to not caring.
I went by train to Hogwarts. The train was very crowded, but there were compartments for everyone. I sat in the corner and listened to Dean and Seamus, I missed their last names talk about stuff. It was brilliant. Mum had kissed me very embarrassingly, and dad had tears in his eyes. Dad never cries, and I've seen him throwing rocks at cats in the back garden. It was all very strange.
I didn't like the boats over the lake, it was dark and scary.
The hat said I could go to Hufflepuff, but I got muddled and ended up going to the Ravenclaw
dorms. If you've seen the class photo I'm the one with brown hair and brown eyes and sunburn.
I resolved to have extracurricular activities, to make lots of friends and learn good magic stuff.
I got very scared with the troll at Halloween and had to go to the hospital wing for a calming draft.
I didn't like potions, Professor Snape would stare at the people around me. It was unnerving.
I got all 'A's in final exams, which was apparently not the best.
In second year everyone was scared they'd get petrified. I got stepped on a lot.
In duelling class, just the one really, I managed to leg-locker Megan from Ravenclaw.
I was aiming at Terry.
I got a D in Defence. All the questions were about Gilderoy Lockheart, and we'd bought the year before's textbook… it was loads cheaper.
In third year I decided to be academic and take Runes and Arithmancy and Care of Magical Creatures. I had to withdraw from Runes and Arithmancy, and pick up Diviniation. Mum wasn't happy about the extra money on textbooks.
In fourth year all the girls ignored me or walked past me in the run-up to the Yule ball. I got creative and took Moaning Myrtle Warren, the ghost. She was ever so excited to go. She did complain all the way through the dinner, and when we tried to dance, she was very cold. I ended up in the hospital wing with ghostly chills overnight. Some of my hair went permanently white. I waited for someone to ask me about it, but they never did.
I thought Harry Potter did really well. Poor Cedric Diggory. He was really handsome and popular, and he was murdered.
Professor Moody; that was a fake didn't imperio me. I'm not sure he noticed me. That bothered me a bit, really. Nobody really did notice me after I got to Hogwarts. But I am a wizard.
In fifth year I got to be the treasurer of the Harry Potter fan club. I learnt book-keeping and that was a skill that would be useful in later jobs after school, I realised. The club splintered in vicious in-fighting in late fifth year. Colin would never take photos of anything but Harry. What point was there in having a friend with a camera if they only took photos of Harry. My connections with Dennis would serve me well the next year.
I got OWLs in Charms and History, so I had to repeat some classes in nineteen ninety-six.
In nineteen ninety-six I got a job as bartender at Astoria Greengrasses speak-easy in dungeon room six. It was a steady job, and she gave me a sickle a week, and I served mostly butterbeer, and some home-made fruit wines.
Daphne Greengrass, her older sister, apparently ran a much more exclusive bar in the Slytherin common room with spirits and ice in the drinks, but Astoria's bar served a four times larger market.
I served a lot of butterbeer and had to help a lot of drunk Hufflepuffs back to their dorms, and cleaned up a lot of sick. I got very good at cleaning charms, but my clothes, or maybe I, always did smell of sick.
I managed to pass enough make-up exams to be allowed to re-sit Transfiguration and Defence OWLS and I passed.
In seventh year I got work with Susan Bones, cleaning up after her crew did things, and painting graffitti for Neville Longbottom, and Ginny Weasley let me paint grafitti in exchange for not hexing me. I didn't get crucio'ed in class, people still didn't notice me.
I started trying to learn the notice-me charm. It's related to the notice-me-not charm, but it's the opposite.
I couldn't get it to work. But I did stupefy some Death Eaters during the battle of Hogwarts, they didn't see me in the corner.
Michael Corner paid me to send flowers to Ginny Weasley afterwards. She was very good about dispelling the bats from my nose. Apparently she really liked Harry Potter better.
After the war, I got a job working on the reconstruction crews on the castle. I put a statue of myself on one of the wall friezes. It's on the second floor, just before the Charms classroom, on the left. I'm the one not in armour.
The reconstruction job lasted a long time, and I really enjoyed it. Headmistress McGonagall thanked me one evening.
Mum and Dad were proud I had a job. My brother Kerry has a job at a bank, and Trent, my oldest brother, did a job at a bank, and got arrested. I'd been avoiding thinking about it but Mum and Dad were magical like me. And my brothers weren't. It was a source of some tension. Mostly Trent asking for help stealing stuff.
After the castle was fixed, I got a job at Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes Hogsmeade, doing shelf filling, a bit of potion stirring and stock transfer from the Diagon Alley main office.
I got my own apartment, in the loft over the barn at the Hogs Head. Mum and Dad were really proud of me for getting a job and having my own place. I didn't have a bathroom, and it smelled of goats, but it was my place.
I got into the habit on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of going into the forbidden forest and fighting anything I encountered. Anything too dangerous, I'd apparate away. I knew that I'd be a lot better at fighting spells eventually.
I met a nice healer at St Mungos, who like some of them wore a leather crow head doctors mask. She started to joke about me coming in to see her. I'd have a big bleeding gash and she'd heal it up.
I started collecting rare flowers in the forest and putting them in a notebook in my robe; my friend the Healer was surprised after she healed me and I gave her some pressed flowers.
After a few months, we had an understanding of a sort. She asked me where my pressed flowers were. I passed out from bloodloss, but it was just a joke.
The next September school re-opened and, I went for the free eighth year and sat NEWTs in Transfiguration, Defence, Charms, Divination and Herbology. I passed everything. I was quite proud of myself. Five NEWTs.
I went back to my regular job at Weasleys and back to monster fighting in the forest, mostly hinkeypunks and redcaps, the occasional wolf. I didn't get hurt, so I went further and fought Acromantulas. I was excited to go back to St Mungos bleeding. The Healer I'd had a thing with ; I'd get hurt, she'd patch me up and take dried flowers, she'd gone. Had to go to the family business.
I lost interest in getting wounded and started being quite rough with the dog-sized Acromantuas.
The Centaurs started talking to me; well, past me. They thought I was being reckless.
I could manage large dog sized Acromantulas now. I was becoming something of a badass.
Which was how I got the idea of joining the Aurors. They'd waive the potions NEWT if you could demonstrate equivalent knowledge; they called it the Snape Clause.
I got in and as a newbie was given scut work like the tea club. I found the tea club was being defrauded and got transferred to the fraud squad.
It wasn't glamorous work, in an office in the ministry, and we didn't get to wear Aurors uniforms, but we audited the ministry internal accounts, tea clubs, and sometimes companies and family businesses under suspicion of criminality.
In two thousand and four, I got assigned to audit some import-export irregularities at Greengrass Shipping.
I was getting out my bloodstained notebook to make some field notes for the first time ever when the very pretty blonde witch from Greengrass Import Export said "Oh Merlin. It's you… bleeding gash wounds guy."
I looked up from my notebook. The voice was very familiar. But I scarcely recognised her. A Greengrass, obviously. Not wearing a leather mask.
"Barry Walters, DMLE" I said.
"I spelled up your forearms so many times... It's me… I uh used to wear a doctors mask." said Daphne Greengrass. The Daphne Greengrass. With the speakeasy; the iced drinks queen of Slytherin.
I pulled out the unused dried flowers "Oh, these are for you then" I said.
She looked at me incredulously. "You've still got flowers for me. It's been… ages."
"Sorry Miss Greengrass… back to your accounts" I said.
A bit later, to break up the tedium of reading account I spoke up.
"Harry Potters expense paperwork's a nightmare. We draw lots to see who has to look at it" I say.
She replied a bit later.
"He's with Weasley; she's a chaser with The Harpies" said Daphne Greengrass.
"I had to look at Ginny Weaselys tax return. All the ... famous people, if they make a mistake it gets forwarded to the audit office, and we sort it out." I said.
Eventually I found the mistakes.
"Oh here you go, you've carried on twenty-seven not twenty-nine. Easy mistake to make when you're tired." I said, and fixed it up.
"Oh look, and here the same invoice is in the ledger three times on four different days. Easy fix too."
"Oh dear, now Greengrass Import Export made a loss." I said.
Daphne looked very upset.
"Don't worry, the company is eligible for relief under the Adverse Effect( Blood war) act 1998. Percey Weasley drafted it, and it's really hard going, but you can get back all taxes paid if you can show receipts dropped during the war. Easily done" I said.
"We'll… get money from the ministry?" asked Daphne Greengrass nervously.
"Well, only for five years of losses, and only tax and excise relief. Probably work out to a few hundred more than this year's wonky books, this year." I said, fairly confident.
Daphne had to go tell her father something urgently.
I looked along the rest of the years accounts.
Daphne came back in a few pages of tedium, and asked what I did at Hogwarts.
"You were in choir and gobstones. I did this and that."
"Who'd you go to the Yule ball with in fourth year?" asked Daphne.
"Myrtle Warren and that was a mistake" I said.
"Claude Fresner from Beauxbatons, also a mistake" said Daphne. "I don't remember Myrtle."
"Moaning Myrtle… the ghost." I said. "I ended up in hospital with ghost chills"
"Claude had a case of roaming hands and came down with a case of hexed bits." said Daphne.
"SO what do you do for fun?" asked Daphne a bit later.
"Well, mum got me to learn piano, so I'd have a party skill" I said.
"You can play Piano?" she asked.
"Sure"
"Three Broomsticks, this evening, seven" said Daphne.
I played piano and Daphne sang the song. It was fun.
I'm wasn't that good, and she was a lot better than I was.
By the end of the song we needed a drink of water, and someone had thrown coins in my hat.
"We need to do something about the coins in my hat" I said as it was getting to be a cumbersome pile of kuts and sickles by ten o'clock.
"Hmm yes, put up a sign tomorrow night,. 'Walter-Green piano and song' said Daphne speculatively "Green last it, or it looks like GreenWalter and that's too much like Greengrass."
Around eleven, Steve Brown, a year ahead of me, tapped Daphne on the shoulder "Hey Greengrass… lovely singing. Fancy a drink?"
"Go away Brown" she said, sounding irritated.
Steve didn't leave and stroked her arm "Go on… we're not at Hogwarts any more…"
"Leave me alone Brown" said Daphne angrily, and she flinched.
I stood up from the piano, and I could feel that feeling in my stomach… the worlds losing me… everyone's eyes sliding off me. I hate that feeling.
I tapped Steve on the tricep vigorously "Hey, Stevey!" I said loudly "It's me … Walter; your favourite bartender; now I play Piano"
Steve looked At me "Walter… mate… Playing piano, you're a bartender man?" he said drunkenly.
I put an arm around Steve, who I've seen drunk hundreds of times and lead him out the Three Broomsticks, and sat him on the park bench.
Steve looks around "It's really peaceful" he said.
"Back in a minute" I said and go back into the bar.
"How did you get rid of him?" asked Daphne.
"I tended bar at your sisters speakeasy… Steve's a stupid drunk." I explained.
"Steve's a creep" said Daphne "I'm here to sing while you play piano."
"Yeah well I'm an average sized pianist" I say. Bless Benny hill.
Daphne ignored it; or doesn't care.
Six months Later.
I'm in the habit of playing piano at the Three Broomsticks of an evening, while Daphne sings, most other days. Once it's late I can blunder though a duet.
"So... you're a muggeborn" she said awkwardly.
"Oh Mum and Dad are wizards, Mums' a Whitehead and Dad's a Rosier. My older brothers, they're squibs… But mum and dad brought us up Muggle in London" I said. That had been more surprising than being a wizard, honestly.
Daphne looks at me oddly "Two squibs… is that…?"
"After my big brother Trent was two… and no magic, mum and dad moved to London. After Kerry was born, and then he had none by four… they got new jobs and… went muggle" I said "I never had accidental magic anyone noticed… so Professor Sprout came by in June ninety-one. Mum and Dad were surprised. Rosier and Whitehead had cast mum and dad out by then."
"So you're a pureblood... raised as a muggle" she said.
"Nobody notices me, I'm quite forgettable" I admitted.
"I never saw you at school" admitted Daphne.
"Mostly busy… after class jobs to earn wizarding money." I admitted. "I've never been that good at magic really."
"What's your wand?" asked Daphne.
I sighed it's the magical equivalent of astrology, except we have astrology and it works. "My grandma Whitehead's wand." I said. "Elm and dragon heartstring, ten inches, rigid."
"Go get yourself your own wand. It makes magic a lot harder. I used to um, use great grandma's wand from the mantelpeice … to do stuff out of school" said Daphne.
"We only had the one legacy wand. And this is it" I said.
Seven Galleons is a lot of money. I only make two hundred a year.
I get an Alder and hornbeam wand. I really hope Daphne and other wanne-be-wandlorists leave me out of it. 'Wand of Alder, never Prosper'. Which is stupid; the wand's at home in my hand like the fingers I didn't know I had. Magic's so much easier.
The next day I went to work and the security checkpoint held me for hours till an Auror could come. Which was a bit insulting, I am a bloody Auror. Sort of.
"Steve" I say, to the security guard.
"Yeah?" he says.
"I've been working here for… well, longer than you" I say. Steve is a bit thick.
"But you've got the wrong wand. You're probably some impostor using polyjuice" said Steve.
"Steve, it's been hours, and polyjuice wears off after one" I said.
"SEE! You know all about polyjuice; you're probably an impostor" said Steve. Which is why Steve does wand check for a job.
Eventually, Michel 'I'm so tall' Corner, in Auror robes came and did some tests, and assured Steve that ...Barry was who he said he was.
I got to the office three hours late. My supervisor, Mister Foxworthy, had me in his office rather sharply.
"….Walter you're late" he said.
"Barry. Barry Walters" I said. "I got a new wand yesterday and security held me till an Auror could come."
"You… you work in my department as an auditor, right?" said Mister Foxworhty.
"For a year" I said.
I guess that counted as employee recognition.
At lunch, one of the other auditors said hello. It was a bit odd. People were seeing me.
Weeks passed.
I got a small old piano and muted it with rags and practised at home on weekends; when not hunting spiders. The Centaurs no longer spoke to me, they just nodded and went on doing what they had.
It felt a lot like belonging. I played piano most nights; sometimes at the hogs Head Abe would drag a piano from a back room and I could play closer to home. The singer was friendly.
Daphne Greengrass turned up one night, and we played and sang; she took the hat coins at the end of the night. The last duet had gone quite well. Practice I guess.
"Barry?" she asked.
"Yeah?" I replied.
"Do you like me?" she asked.
"I've been sharing the hat with you for months, You're all right" I said.
"Oh good. Will you be my date for this… family thing" she asked.
"Okay" I said. Daphne smiled at me. I'd not had a girl smile at me before; except for Myrtle. I smiled back.
The family thing was her sisters wedding; apparently. To Draco Malfoy, of all people.
I was in the back of the pews; not family, not wedding party and not important.
The table at the Reception was not the centre table. That was Astoria and Draco. Ew.
Daphne Greengrass sat next to me and looked very… washed out in the bridesmaids dress.
"Astoria specifically picked a colour that made me look bad" said Daphne, six champagnes later.
I got to dance with an actual live girl. I quite liked it. Then I stayed to help pack up tables and stuff.
At the end of all that, a tired Daphne Greengrass gave me a hug. I hugged back. Hugs with girls are different to dancing.
She pulled her head back and looked me in the face oddly "Barry?" she asked "Would you be my boyfriend?"
"Course I would" I said. Then I got kissed. Which, I can tell you, is miles better than hugs or dancing.
The next day, I got a new assignment: Auditing Weasleys Wizarding wheezes accounts. Because I'd worked there. My first attempt to read their tax returns resulted in my hair turning pink and green. Mr George Weasley seemed to regard Tax forms as fair locations for prank charms.
It was a week later, I'd spent most of it sitting on a barrel at Weaselys main shop making non-cursed copies of accounts. Apparently cursing all paperwork against being read by anyone but himself was 'a habit he'd got into at home'.
By Friday, I wanted to curse Mr Weasley, and he'd been a good boss.
I went to the three broomsticks, had a double firewhiskey and played an old song, loud and fast.
And quite badly.
Daphne Greeengrass; who's my girlfriend turned up and decided after a few drinks and some songs we were leaving early.
And flooed to "The Greengrasses"
I met Daphne's father, again.
"Who's this?" asked Cyrus,who's tall and satanic looking.
"My Boyfriend, Barry Walter" said Daphne.
"Walters" I corrected her.
"Not a wizarding family? I don't recognise the surname." said Cryus.
"Oh it's made up" I said "Dad's a Rosier but was cast out. My eldest two brothers are squibs" I explained.
"Rosier?" asked her father.
"Mum's a Whitehead… also cast out. We lived as muggles… I didn't know I was a wizard" I explained.
"Barry was the nice man from the ministry Audit Office who saved us from… difficulties last year" said Daphne "And we play music most evenings at the Three broomsticks."
"Daphne sings" I explained.
Somehow I ended up married to Daphne, living in a room of her parents house. She lived in her own room. My new room was pretty nice.
Mum and Dad had attended our wedding a bit incognito, because of being cast out.
As Daphne would say "It's great really, because I'm the heiress, but now I don't need to change my name."
If there were... goings-on I'm not writing in my memoir.
So maybe I smile more.
The piano player goes home with the singer every night. If she's been leaning her bum against him as she sings, well… we use one bedroom.
Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley had a child. It was all over the daily Prophet.
I got a pay-rise every two years.
Harry seemed to get a child on the same schedule. I didn't want to speculate.
My brother Kerry turned out to have two wives, two families and ran off to South America with neither.
My eldest brother Trent kept getting arrested for his moral disability.
I'm still playing piano in the evenings at the Three Broomsticks.
Daphne's sister Astoria's kid with Draco Malfoy got older.
I saw them in the Alley sometimes looking like the Malfoy family, take two. I'm not invited to Malfoy Manor ever. I guess that's a snub.
The boy, Scorpius went to Hogwarts.
Astoria Greengrass died. Of something odd, and Daphne Greengrass sent me an actual letter at work "Can't make music. Busy."
Fortunately the Greengrass accounts didn't need an auditor to visit again. That would be a conflict of interest for me.
Harry Potter's expense account, as Head of DMLE was like a cursed spellbook. Everyone wanted to avoid it. His handwriting was bad too.
Ginny Potter's taxes were basically an annual hand-holding exercise.
I saw Daphne Greengrass one weekend in the Alley over summer; she's taking a boy who I'm fairly sure is technically my and her Nephew, shopping.
I learnt Billy Joel's "The Piano man" and play it when the rooms sufficiently drunk. Apart from that I play wizarding songs.
Daphne came by floo, heard the song and drags me by my ear back to the fireplace and flooed me to The Greengrasses.
"How dare you play a song like that. People might think you're a single man" she said crossly.
"Well, I don't have any children..." I said.
"I'm too busy. Draco ignores poor Scorpius" said Daphne.
"He's at school from September till June" I said "Nine months. Six months of being a newborn… if we started in March, They'd be six months when Scorpius came home from school and sleeping some of the night"
"You are quite good with numbers" said Daphne. "But it's July now."
"Well, six months to practice?" I said.
Daphne was a very determined, pretty and thoughtless witch. I mean not thoughtful. It was a long, hard six months, on and off. And on. And off. Daphne stopped using her bedroom.
Hermione Granger-Weasley was elected the second muggleborn Minster of Magic.
Daphne fell pregnant in February. And decided to still use my bedroom. So many visits to the toilet while I had been sleeping.
Samuel Cyrus Greengrass was born December 11th. He had blonde hair and blue eyes. According to the forty books I'd had to read, that was normal. I thought he was the most precious thing in the world… after my wife, of course.
Harry Potter got divorced, and I winced to see that in the Prophet.
More remarkably, he shacked up almost immediately with Hermione Weasley. The DMLE-wide betting pool on that was ugly. And the odds were very poor. Burke, who had the next desk over would talk to me about the odds for hours. I missed people ignoring me, really.
Witches make fabulous young mothers. I'll never say otherwise. They get moody, tired and cast hexes.
My father-in-law looks more sympathetic to me after a few months.
"Why do you have two children?" I finally asked him.
"Roxanne was persuasive" said Cyrus obliquely. Bloody Slytherins.
At least between his grandmother Greengrass and the house-elf, Samuel got looked after when his mother ran off to Hogwarts. Scorpius Malfoy had gone missing.
Something odd happened; Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy went missing too, for days, and reappeared with their two missing children. I was spending more time holding Samuel at nights. Just as a… precaution.
Somewhere in all of that adventure, Draco Malfoy decided to be more hands-on parent. Or any kind of parent, really.
My wife filled in my resignation letter for me. She's helpful that way.
I spent much more time with Samuel. And therefore, Daphne.
Astoria May Greengrass was born ten months later. In an ironic twist, she, once her hair colour came in, had brown hair, like her namesake. The house elf cleaned so many handkerchiefs that year.
May (using her first name caused tears) was my new favourite person. After my wife, of course. And Sam. Cyrus took to looking at me and not looking annoyed at my existence. That's acceptance I guess.
Scorpius spent a year moping over Rose Granger-Weasley
Which was odd, because after his cousin Hector Imperious Greengrass was born, Rose Weasley took Scorpius to Hogsmeade for "A date". I'm not explaining my son's middle name, you can work it out.
His Aunt, despite Hector's efforts to wear her out, looked amused by this. "Draco will be dying of horror, and so will Hermione Potter" she said; and fed Hector.
Finally, oddly, we all got invited to Malfoy Manor for Scorpius's seventeenth birthday.
Draco Malfoy asked me, after a few drinks "How do you do it?" He waved at my children, and Daphne with Hector on her hip.
I replied quite simply "I do what my wife tells me, and in return, she doesn't hex my bits off."
Draco, who'd been monk-like since Astoria had died looked mopey.
"You can find another witch, you know" I said "Five years of mourning is quite enough."
Draco ripped off "You wouldn't know anything, you're a muggleborn."
"Dad's a Rosier who was cast out, Mum's a Whitehead, also cast out" I said "My two elder bothers are squibs."
"So you're…" said Draco Malfoy, looking surprised.
"A pureblood, like you, married a Greengrass, like you. Not rich." I said "I worked for Astoria in fifth year. She had her own speak-easy, anyone could come. I tended bar and took drunk Hufflepuffs back to their dorms."
"I don't remember you from school" admitted Draco.
"I had my grandmother Whitehead's wand. The wand never worked well for me It's like a notice-me-not all the time" I said, and Draco looked very awkward all of a sudden.
"Your boy's going to marry Rose Granger-Weasley, you know that" I said. "Or die trying."
Draco sighed.
"Her children will be purebloods though" I said.
"That stuff doesn't matter." said Draco. "It's all stupid."
"Don't tell me, tell Scorpius" I said, and caught Hector, who was waddling free of Daphne.
I think Draco did.
At the Greengrasses at Yule, Draco, who arrived with Scorpius, asked
"What did you do? After school… before… all the children." over a drink.
"I was an Auror" I said ad Draco went pale. Paler. His eyelid started to twitch.
"Oh I never got to do any auror-ing. I was seconded to the audit office" I said , and Draco Malfoy took a large, shaky gulp of firewhiskey, and left me… to find some more drinks.
Daphne came over looking a bit… wider than expected.
"What did you say to Draco?" she asked.
"He asked what I did in the ministry." I replied.
Daphne laughed. For a bit then ran off "Have to pee" she said.
When she came back into the room I sought her our and asked "Is there something you're not telling me?"
"About what?" she said.
"Looking a bit… full… needing to pee ?" I said.
"Oh… well, I might be pregnant again" she said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because you keep playing broom-closet with me" she said, with a smile that usually means she's about the get her own way… using my obvious weakness for affectionate blondes.
"Isn't three enough?" I asked.
"Harry and Ginny had three" said Daphne, as if that mattered.
"It's not a contest" I said, seeing no sleep in my future.
"And Scorpius is marrying Rose, and her grandmother had seven" said Daphne.
"Four. We're stopping at four" I said. "And you can't threaten to hex my bits off… plays into my plans there"
So after Persephone Roxanne Greengrass, we agreed to have no more.
Persephone set her crib on fire at five months. Daphne was very proud. I got some burn scars to go with the cuts. Daphne offered to make it feel better, and I cautiously took her up on the offer.
With four magical grandchildren, my mother wrote to her, and dad's families.
They were not welcomed with open arms. Grudgingly accepted. My children though, got more age-appropriate but interest-inappropriate birthday and Yule presents.
Daphne took to referring to me as 'A Rosier.' I was the only Rosier around my age not in Azkaban. Well, Draco's mother was my aunt once removed or something. The way she and Draco had got such light sentences looked like someone with political clout had put in a good word for them. Payback for some favour, I suppose.
Hector's mother got a letter at eleven, once he'd arrived at Hogwarts saying that Rosier the eldest had appointed Hector as heir Rosier. My wife was pleased. I narrowly escaped another child. I did, however, not make it out of my bedroom till three in the afternoon, looking dishevelled. I might have scandalised my mother-in-law by stroking Daphne's arse just before she sat down to dinner that night.
I was however, given leave to re-apply for my old job at the ministry. Daphne is a very reasonable woman. Mostly.
Which meant dealing with Harry Potter, head of DMLE.
Who was married to the Minster for Magic. No pressure.
"So… Walters? You want to be an Auror. You're a bit old for that" said Harry, looking haggard.
"I was an Auror for four years" I said "Seconded to the Audit department for almost all of it. I'd go back there."
"Why did you resign in the first place?"
"My wife thought I needed to spend more time with my family" I replied.
"And if she decides for you again?" asked Potter aggressively.
"I'll do what she says." I said "I have four children, I'm not arguing with my wife." Technically true, she usually uses non-verbal persuasion, and I'm more than capable of using as much persuasion the other way. It's taken years of practice.
"Walters… you were in... Huffelpuff?" asked Harry Potter, breaking me out of the reminiscence of playing broom-closet.
"Ravenclaw" I say. "A mistake on the way out of the great hall."
"And Mrs Walters does what?" asked Harry Potter.
"Mrs Greengrass runs a lot of the family business" I said.
"Daphne Greengrass; Slytherin. You married her?" asked Harry Potter, big damn hero.
"Your daughter's boyfriend's aunt and de-facto mother, yes" I said.
"Don't remind me" hissed Harry.
"Scorpius is a nice enough boy" I said. "Not that I'm looking forward to my daughters dating."
"Daughters?" asked Harry Potter.
"Astoria-May and Persephone" I said "And yes… Astoria was conceived the year other Astoria died, before you ask."
"You're some kind of… pure-blood aren't you?" asked Harry sounding judgemental.
"Raised as a muggle-born. Mum and dad were cast out for having my older brothers; who are squibs." I said "Do you need to see my forearms too? I passed the security screen last time."
I rolled up my sleeves and Harry stared at all the scarring. So many cuts, mostly on the outside of my forearms. A few on the inside. And the burn scars.
"My youngest daughter set her crib on fire at five months" I said "The rest was learning to fight in the forbidden forest."
"You weren't in the DA" said Harry judgmentally.
"I worked for Neville and Ginny" I said "Neville was really good about it, and Ginny didn't hex me."
Harry cringed. Ginny Potter's temper hadn't improved in years of pro-quidditch, and her later career as a reporter. She'd kept the name; it had more cachet.
"So, can I have my old job back?" I asked "My kids are all off to Hogwarts, and it's something to do."
"You're not …" said Harry.
"A hero?" I asked "No, but someone's got to do the boring bits, look in the financial records. And fix Harry Potters expense claims."
Harry Potter decided that was reason enough.
That night, I kissed my wife goodnight and thought, my wife's prettier than Harry Potter's and well, Minister Granger's personality's as big as her hair. We might be side characters in the story of Harry Potter and isn't he so wonderful, but… I'm perfectly happy. By the way my wife kisses me back, I'm in luck. Good night.
-==0==-
"Barry…. Let's play skanky witch and prefect in the broom-closet?" asked my wife. Oh… she's trying to persuade me of something.
The Auror office had occasional drunken conversations about witches and their playtime relationship with authority. Over several drinks some got quite detailed.
"Any particular Reason?" I asked as she went to the dressing room to dress up.
"Well… I hardly see you anymore" she purred through the open doorway. "I'm missing you."
I went into my dressing room and put on my Auror uniform, and went to the bedroom.
Daphne swaggered out in a tiny tartan skirt and white shirt that was the right size for a ten-year-old.
"Oh no" she said coquettishly "An Auror… and me a bad girl"
"Mrs Greengrass "I said as sternly as I could "I'm afraid I'll have to cuff you and take you to be interrogated."
Daphne's eyes grew large, and she stood up and stuck her bust out "Oh no" she purred "Whatever will become of me" she said, and held her wrists out.
So I cuffed her, and my wife um… licked her lips. Crikey.
I'm pretty sure that what happened next was technically misuse of ministry equipment. But it was my personal issue and I cleaned it afterwards.
And that was apparently now a thing, and my wife started um… well.
At Dracos' birthday, my wife somehow contrived to be um… doing things in the conservatory where I'm pretty sure Harry, who was there with his wife, because Rose and Scorpius, saw.
Half an hour later, feeling quite mellow, Harry caught me for a conversation
"Um… Walters… you and um… your wife in the conservatory." he asked, sounding a bit drunk. "She was cuffed."
"Well," I said super-awkwardly "She does like a firm hand sometimes."
"Bloody hell" said Harry Potter, blinking "It's always the quiet ones!"
