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Chapter 6

The days were long. Anna was alone most days with Declan from before the sun rose until after the sun set. He was a good child and she enjoyed her time with him. In many ways, he helped her to forget about her grief and allowed her to smile again. He brought her joy in her heart, a heart that she thought had frozen over with her husband's death.

She didn't mind that John was rarely at the house. In fact, she preferred it. She didn't want to have to bring up conversations with him. She felt awkward around him and avoided him at all costs.

He did try to come by every other day at lunch time to see Declan, so Anna often hid herself upstairs during those times. She doubted he wanted her to impede with his short time with his son anyways.

But today, he would be home all day and tomorrow. He had taken the two days off to celebrate Declan's birthday. This made it hard for her to escape John. It wasn't like she could hide in her bedroom all day. No, he would likely still expect her to help with Declan. That had been their deal, anyway.

She stood in front of the mirror and flattened the front of her dress. Her eyes were dim and there were dark rims around her eyes. She was so tired. Nighttime was filled with a fitful sleep. She did try to nap with Declan during the day. It was the only thing that kept her from falling over from exhaustion.

A loud sigh passed through her lips. Then she closed her eyes.

"You can do this," she murmured to herself. "You have survived this far. You will continue to do so."

She would be kind to Mr. Bates. He had been nothing but kind to her. Yet, she found it incredibly difficult to be the person she once was. The old Anna would have been bubbling over with happiness and a bright smile. But that Anna no longer existed. Her heart was too shattered to ever recover.

Opening her door, she made her way downstairs to find John and Declan sitting on the large chair where John read Declan a book. The sight was precious, even Anna had to admit that. John was a good father. The love was apparent in both of their eyes. Declan adored John above everyone else.

Upon hearing her steps, John turned his head toward her. He smiled.

"Did you sleep alright?"

"Yes." It was a simple reply. She inhaled and glanced over at the kitchen. Breakfast was already made. It was a basic meal of eggs and toast, but Anna felt guilty. "I could have made breakfast."

"Ah, you needn't make me breakfast when I'm home in the morning. That's not your job. I've made enough for the three of us. Declan and I have already eaten, please make yourself a plate. The rest is for you."

Anna glanced at the food and her stomach churned. Since Lou's death, she struggled to eat a full meal. Her grief was all encompassing making even the basic things difficult.

She settled on a piece of toast. It was all she would be able to handle for right now. Then she sat down at the table and nibbled on it. John was eyeing her worriedly and it made her uncomfortable. The moment she glanced away, she felt his eyes move off of her.

"I…" Anna finally began speaking. John looked back up, almost as though he was surprised to hear her speaking to him. "I wanted to go into the village for a little while this morning. Would you like me to take Declan with me?"

"No," John simply answered. "Enjoy your time. Declan and I will be just fine without you."

She nodded. She was also glad. Not that she didn't enjoy her time with the little boy. He was wonderful. However, she needed some time with herself. And she also wanted to pick out a small gift for him. It would be easier to do so without him with her.

Standing, she took her plate to the sink and cleaned it off. Then she poured herself a glass of water and sipped at it, hoping her stomach would settle.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Anna found that she had no idea what she wanted to get for Declan. She only had a small amount of money left from her latest allowance from John. This would be the last week she would spend as much. She would need to tell him that she didn't need this much money for the following weeks. But she had bought more fabric this week to make new bedding for her bedroom and to also make some new clothes for Declan. Those should last them for a while.

Every time she bought more things for Declan, John would remind her that the money was for her wants and needs. He would provide her with more money for the things Declan needed.

He didn't understand that she didn't need it. She guessed this wages were nice enough to provide her with such a grand amount each week. However, she had always lived on very little. Perhaps, this was not much at all for him.

She eyed the other carved bears. Declan had liked these. There were various sizes and shapes. She smiled. Yes, these would do.

Anna then continued to walk around the village. There was nothing else that she needed to purchase, but she found that she was trying to avoid going back to the cottage for as long as possible.

Eventually, she found herself at the cemetery. It was the first time she had visited Lou since his burial. Her eyes watered and she could feel her breaths shortening. The weight of what she had lost falling upon her shoulders.

Slowly, she fell on her knees and pressed her hand into the earth, much like she had the day he was buried. Her eyes closed and she tried to see Lou's face. She missed his smile. It had always made her feel like she was the most beautiful thing on the planet. He had adored her so. He had moved here mainly because it was what she had wanted.

A soft sob left her lips. She missed him more than she had ever believed she could miss anyone.

She remained at the cemetery for a long while. When her stomach growled, she realized she would need to eat something soon. Anna stood. Her eyes glanced around at the other graves, thinking of the lost souls and those who had loved them.

Some of the graves had nice stones to show the person's name. Others, like Lou's, were just a simple cross. She frowned. After she was gone, who would know about Lou? Perhaps that's what she could do with the extra money that John left her each week. She could save it to purchase Lou a stone.

Sighing, Anna's stomach growled again, growing impatient. She turned and made her way back to the house.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John had begun to grow worried about Anna. It was past lunchtime and she had been gone for many hours now. He had put Declan down for his nap about an hour ago. After Declan awoke, John decided they would go and search for Anna if she didn't arrive soon.

He let out a low sound and then bent down to pull the out the cake. Almost all day he had been working on making this cake. The moment he saw it, he frowned. It was lumpy, lopsided, and burnt on the edges. Why couldn't he manage to make his son a cake?

He should have offered to pay Ms. Patmore to make Declan one. It was too late for that now. This would have to do. Maybe it would taste alright.

Taking the cake out of the pan, it began to crumble. He tried to push it back together. Then he spread the icing he had made over the top. It only made the cake crumble worse.

The door opened and he turned to see Anna had arrived. She held a small package in her hands and her eyes immediately fell to the cake he was icing. Her nose squished up.

"What…what's that?"

"Declan's birthday cake," John answered. Anna's eyes hadn't left his disastrous baking. "I know it's not much, but hopefully he'll like it."

"It's…" Anna's words faded and her lips curled downward. "You aren't supposed to ice the cake until it's cooled."

John just laughed. "I'm learning."

Anna didn't say anything, but she did nod.

Then Anna disappeared upstairs for the rest of the afternoon.

It wasn't until supper time that he saw her again. She had changed her clothes and had left her hair down. It was the first time he had seen her hair like that. She was breathtaking.

John swallowed hard and reminded himself that Anna was only a guest. Thoughts like that were not only inappropriate, but also pointless. They were nothing more than roommates helping one another out.

Dinner tonight was leftover soup from Ms. Patmore. John watched as Anna ate it as though she hadn't eaten in days. Her bowl was emptied almost as quickly as it had been filled.

"Would you like some more?" John offered her. Anna blushed, seemingly embarrassed by how much she ate.

"If…I mean, yes, please," Anna replied. She still avoided his eyes. John took her bowl and went to fill it with more soup. He also grabbed her an extra piece of bread for good measure.

They ate in near silence. Declan liked to talk, so he would fill the space with words, but Anna would merely nod or remain quiet. John did hope that they would get to a place where she felt comfortable around him.

"I'll clean up," Anna did offer, when John began to pick up the dishes. He wanted to disagree, but she seemed determined. "Take Declan upstairs and read to him, spend time with him. I know you get very little."

John smiled.

"Thank you, Anna."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Later that evening, after John had put Declan to bed, he came back downstairs for his night cup of tea. He usually ended his day with a chapter of a good book.

As he stepped downstairs, he smelled something delicious. He walked into the kitchen to find that the cake he had made was missing from the kitchen counter and was replaced with a fresh, un-iced cake.

Anna walked around the corner and she had a sheepish look upon her face.

"I…"

"Thank you," John just simply told her. "You've been so very kind to my little boy."

Anna's lower lip trembled slightly. He could tell that she was struggling to compose herself.

"He's very sweet," she simply answered, her voice thick with tears. "You're a good father. He's fortunate to have you."

"It's chocolate. How did you know that was my favorite," John added with a smile. Anna's eyes fell to her hands and she just shook her head, her eyes filling with tears.

"I…I didn't. It was Lou's."

John immediately felt horrible and he wanted to say something to make up for hurting her. However, words escaped him.

"I…" Anna's voice was shaking and John could tell that she was trying not to cry in front of him. "I'll ice it in the morning. Goodnight."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Just like that, his son was 4. They had celebrated his birthday outside. John had been surprised to see that Anna had also gotten his son a gift, but he wasn't sure why. Anna had already shown to go above and beyond for Declan. It had been a nice day. While it was still full of awkwardness with Anna, it hadn't been horrible. Anna did say more than two words at a time to him.

But now he was back to work. Life had to move on and he was just informed that he would be traveling with Lord Grantham to Duneagle Castle. Generally, Lord Grantham had taken Thomas along in place of John for these trips because of his little boy. But now, as Lord Grantham pointed out, he had a mother at home for Declan.

John worried this was too much too soon for Anna. He didn't know for how long he would be gone. He also didn't want to be away from his boy. However, this was his position. He did have to do the work he was given. Lord Grantham had always been very generous, but even he would have his limits.

John told Anna that evening.

"Do you think you'll be able to handle it?" Anna's eyes did shoot up at that question. It was the first time her eyes had fully met his and he was stunned at the fire within them.

"Of course, I am able."

"Right," John answered, uneasily. He hadn't seen this bit of fiery spirit in Anna, yet, and he had to be honest, he liked it. "Mrs. Hughes will check in on you. I don't know how long, exactly, we will be gone. Lady Mary is expecting, so I assume they will want to return before she has the baby."

"Alright," Anna simply replied. Her eyes had fallen from his and he found that he missed the connection.

"I'll be sure to leave you with plenty of money. If you need more, go to Mrs. Hughes."

"We'll be fine," Anna stated. "When do you leave?"

"Monday morning."

"Do you need anything laundered before then?"

"No," John told her. He quirked up his lips to one side. He was still trying to read this woman before him. "I can handle them on my own."

"Good. I'm going to head on up to bed. Goodnight, John." He noticed that the past few nights she had begun to tell him goodnight. For such a simple thing, it felt wonderful.

"Goodnight, Anna."

To be continued...