{-Sharena-}
Once Mirabilis had shown the five of them to the gardens, she'd politely wandered out of earshot. Sharena didn't take much longer in plopping down on the grass, followed by the others worriedly sitting down around her.
"This is awful," she sighed. "I still don't know anything. I mean, sure, I know what happened, but it… it still doesn't make any sense! Besides what was in my dreams, I still can't remember anything. There's nothing there that actually fits in with that. Stuff with me, Triandra, and Peony are there, but the few I do remember once I wake up is just us being kids! I didn't just forget friends, I forgot two girls that are alive right now because of me…"
"That's not your fault, though," Fauna pointed out softly. "You didn't have a say in whether you kept your memories or not. No one can blame you for that."
"Kids aren't supposed to remember their dreams at all," Lekra added. "Yet you remembered it well enough to pretend you were with them in the real world. It was simply the natural order of things; no one misses something they don't know—or rather, in this case, what they can't remember. You weren't meant to realize that this part of you existed."
Sharena, almost ready to cry again, shot a dark glare at Lekra. "Remind me who's idea that was, again? Oh, yeah! It was you. You brought back a few of my memories of Peony… and a couple weeks later, I start having full-blown dreams about her."
"It's not like I expected any of this to happen!" Lekra remarked. "How am I supposed to know that someone went through and locked all of those memories?!"
"But did you still consider the possibility?" Hearing Anna say that seemed to surprise all of them. She looked like she did when she told Sharena about what they'd be able to do with a piece of the nightmares heart (the knowledge of which was now being put to use); she didn't really look at any of them, with an expression that showed that she knew she had a thought that she had to say. Seeing it a second time didn't make it any more comforting.
Lekra's tone showed they were just as concerned as Sharena was. "Well, yes, but…"
"Then I need you to make sure that I'm right," Anna decided. "Sharena, I'm going to be honest… I was hoping I wouldn't have to be the one to tell you this. But it's now or never since you're so gods damned set on trying to figure this out until it kills you.
"There's a specific reason you got sick after Lekra helped you remember, and why you're dizzy now. It's specifically because those memories were blocked—someone didn't want you seeing them, so they put up something to keep you from remembering them. If you did happen to remember them, then you'd get hurt. The more truths you learn and remember, the harder that stress is going to be on you. Given how sick you got the first time it happened—and how you're still faltering in health months later, mind you—my guess is that if you ever do understand all of it, that stress will probably kill you. Just about everything that might bring you closer to understanding your role as the nightmares' little dreamer is going to do the same thing. There's only two reasons I can think of that you didn't get the same reaction to Freyr's story that you did the memories Lekra showed you: it's either because you don't actually remember it, or it wasn't safeguarded as strictly, which means whoever did it didn't think it was important. Don't get me wrong, your headstrong approach to the problem would've probably worked under normal circumstances; these just aren't normal circumstances."
After a moment of silence, Lekra nodded. "All of that's true, and I wish I'd realized it sooner. This situation… I know it's frustrating, but—"
"Frustrating? I feel like there's a whole other part of me that I know nothing about, and you think that's just frustrating?" Sharena didn't even think about being upset over only being told that now—she'd already been overwhelmed and the general news of it was enough to push her over. "And now, you're casually confirming that I'll never know it! Unless I feel like dying, of course!"
Alfonse moved a little closer and put his hand on her shoulder. "Sharena, you need to calm down," he told her gently. "This has been bothering you for a while and you learn all that work was for nothing, I get that. There's better ways of handling this than taking that out on us."
She just threw her arms around him and started crying. So many things might not have made sense to her, but she knew that the comfort she felt just knowing that he was there would never change. The only time she didn't come to him when something bothered her was when he was too busy with tasks out of either of their control. It was knowing that, whatever she said, he'd listen and help her—a care that gave her room to breathe while still wanting what was best for her. She felt better just by him giving her a hug of his own.
"I… I feel like my heart's in pieces…" Sharena mumbled through her tears. She didn't know if anyone outside of Alfonse could hear her, though she didn't care whether they did or not. "I don't know where the rest of it is, only that there's not a lot that's still there. It's been there so long… I can't even tell if it's always been like this or not… A piece is with Peony, Triandra, Lekra, and Iztali… that much I know. But there's still so much of it that I don't know where it is… I thought it would go away if I remembered them, but it hasn't… I'm so lost, and I don't know if I…" She trailed off before she could finish.
"You'll be found," Alfonse assured her. "I promise. I'm not going to let you wonder forever. We'll figure something else out so then you're comfortable again; just don't give up on me, alright?"
She nodded slowly, then started to sit up. "Sorry—"
"No need to apologize," her brother quickly interrupted. Though his smile was meant to be comforting, it felt like the feeling wasn't in it—as if that part of his emotions just… didn't exist. It only made her worried for him, partially aware that he wouldn't give her an answer if she asked.
"Right," she muttered, trying her best not to show her thoughts.
"Are you feeling any better now?" Anna asked kindly. "All I meant was to keep you from hurting yourself more, not tip you off the edge…"
"I'm not dizzy anymore," Sharena answered quietly. "I know you meant the best, but there's a lot to catch up on and think over… Before we find Mirabilis and go back to Freyr, though, I've got a question. Where'd you learn all that? About my memories?"
Anna shrugged. "I did a bit of independent research. Well… had the older Heroes look into it for me. I don't know how, but they were able to come up with stuff that was actually useful with what Natheniel talked to be about. And I guess I might as well be honest and admit this now, the conversation the two of us had wasn't that important. General stuff about the nightmares and how there wasn't anything we could do to change your role as the little dreamer."
"Thanks." Should Sharena have been concerned about how honest Anna was being? Their commander had gone out of her way to avoid questions relating to it up until now. Or maybe she wanted to feel like the royal siblings did towards Henriette: like there wasn't a need to keep secrets from each other, which could only come from coming clean.
They all got up and wandered over to where they'd entered, where Mirabilis was sleeping. If she was dreaming, it must've been pleasant—she had a soft smile and even giggled a bit.
Sharena was the one to gently nudge her awake. "We're ready to head back now."
"Mm?" The ljósálfar opened her eyes and blinked at them a couple of times before standing up. "For a minute I thought you were Peony… it's always weird having someone else wake me up… and right when we were about to raid the dream kitchen, too… All dreams have to come to an end sometime, I guess…"
((A/N: I was gonna say "well at least Sharena doesn't have an existential crisis like she does in the actual Book IV," and then I realized she kind of does… it just comes on a lot slower.
Also speaking of Book IV, since I'm not sure if it's ever going to be mentioned in this story, both Mirabilis and Plumeria have been álfar longer than Peony and Triandra, and kind of serving as a model for what álfar are like. Mirabilis is one of the oldest álfar, and through a long time gained enough of Freyr's trust in order to be told how to go to the waking realm at her pleasure; Plumeria likely became an álfar around the time Sharena met Peony and Triandra. Basically, the five of them weren't friends in the same way they're described as being in Book IV—in fact, Sharena spent little time with both Mirabilis and Plumeria in this AU.
For you new readers or those that need a reminder, Natheniel was the one who took the nightmare's heart from the Order's possession at the end of Untold Truths, the second story of the series. He comes from an alternative Askr, and raised by the older versions of Alfonse, Sharena, Veronica, Bruno, Anna, and Fauna. He's mentioned later in this story, but doesn't get a proper story explanation, so I'm doing this now.
Last bit! In the last chapter, I mentioned how Gustav treated Sharena. Now I'm going to talk about how Henriette treated Sharena, since it's mentioned in this story. Henriette was caring, but almost in an overprotective way; she didn't like it when Sharena wasn't happy, and arguably tried a little too hard to know what was happening and to prevent it from happening anymore. This gave Sharena very little "room to breathe," and she learned how to convincingly make it look like she was fine over the years. Parts of Controlled by Fate, the first story of the series, shows this kind of affection. Maybe the reason Alfonse talks to Henriette more than Sharena does is because they have a normal mother-son relationship despite not having very many interactions as he grew up…))
