Thank you all :)
Chapter 7
Since Declan had turned four years old, it seemed he didn't need a nap anymore. Still, Anna attempted to put him down for his rest. The little boy wouldn't sleep, though. Instead, he would play quietly with his little wooden bears in his room for nearly an hour. While it wasn't sleep, Anna did enjoy the quiet of that time.
She was exhausted. Even though Declan was well behaved, he could be a handful. It didn't help that her entire body ached from her grief. She could barely eat, but when she didn't eat she grew nauseous, so she would try and choke down something in the mornings to keep from throwing up.
John had been away for two weeks now and Anna hadn't heard anything about when he would be returning. She didn't mind it. She didn't have to pretend, because there was no one to act for right now. Being around Declan was easy, but anyone else was much harder.
She pressed her hand against her stomach, as it twisted and turned. What if she was coming down with some sort of a bug?
There was a knock at the door and Anna remembered that Mrs. Hughes was supposed to be coming after Declan's rest time today. She had been by a few times since John's departure. Anna wasn't a fan of being checked in on. It wasn't that she didn't like Mrs. Hughes. No, Mrs. Hughes was a good person. It was just that Anna was still grieving. It was hard to be around others who didn't know her pain.
Opening the door, Mrs. Hughes stepped in with a fresh basket of goodies. Anna's stomach lurched.
"Are you alright, dear?" Mrs. Hughes asked her, concerned upon seeing Anna's face blanch.
"I..I think I may be coming down with a stomach bug," Anna confessed. "It might be best you leave before you contact it."
Mrs. Hughes frowned.
"Is Declan sick?"
"No, he's been eating and acting just fine," Anna answered. Just as she stated that, Declan started coming down the stairs with one of the bears in his hands. Anna rested her hand against her belly and tried to quell her stomach.
"Why don't you go and lay down? I'll watch Declan and you can rest for a bit. With everyone gone, I have an easier schedule than normal."
Anna wanted to disagree, but her head was heavy.
"Oh, alright. I promise I won't rest too long. If I do, wake me up."
"No worries. Go right on up and go to sleep."
Anna did as she was told. She knew that John trusted Mrs. Hughes and so she felt no guilt about leaving Declan alone with her.
Reaching her bedroom, Anna tore off her apron and slid into the bed, her eyes closing automatically. It hadn't hit her just how exhausted she was until this moment and she fell right to sleep.
When Anna awoke, it was already dark out. Panic filled her frame. She gathered herself up and out of the bed, rushing out of her room and down the stairs. At the bottom step, she could see Mrs. Hughes sitting by candle light reading a book. It was eerily quiet.
Hearing Anna's foot hit the floor, Mrs. Hughes turned to her and smiled.
"I….why didn't you wake me? Where's Declan?"
"He went to bed an hour ago," Mrs. Hughes simply answered.
"Oh god," Anna covered her hand with her mouth. "I didn't mean…"
Mrs. Hughes stood and placed her hands gently onto Anna's upper arms.
"There's nothing to worry about, Anna. You weren't feeling well and needed a rest. I was here to help. It's alright."
Tears stung her eyes. She felt horrible for sleeping so long. She swallowed hard.
"Are you feeling any better?"
Anna thought on this and she realized that her head wasn't pounding. She was also starving. She was sure she could eat an entire boar.
"I am."
"Good. Now, if you're hungry, I left the food on the counter."
"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes for your help today."
"Of course," Mrs. Hughes replied. "You are doing well with Declan. He adores you, but please let me know if you're not feeling well. We have neighbors and people at the Abbey who can help. You don't have to manage this all on your own."
Mrs. Hughes' hands dropped from her arms and she stepped back. Anna nodded. There was some comfort in that. Perhaps she had been trying too hard to do this all on her own and that was why she was so exhausted and feeling sick lately.
"Thank you," she told her again. "I've always done it on my own, well, with Lou," her eyes fell to her hands and she took in a shuddering breath. "I….I don't know how to do any of this without him." A tear slipped down her cheek with her confession.
"I can't even imagine how difficult all of this is for you, Anna," Mrs. Hughes kindly began. "But you have shown amazing strength. I believe Lou would be so very proud of you."
"You really think so?" Anna asked, moving her eyes up to meet Mrs. Hughes'.
"Yes, I do."
Mrs. Hughes grabbed the now empty basket from the kitchen table, ready to head back to the Abbey. However, when she reached the door, she paused and turned back to Anna as though she had forgotten something.
"In all of this, I forgot to tell you that Lady Mary has begun her return to Downton. I am assuming that Lord Grantham will be soon after her and with him, Mr. Bates."
"Alright, thank you. Have a good evening."
"You too. Good evening, Anna."
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As expected, John arrived late the next evening. He came into the house solemn and only gave his son a half smile and pat on his head, before sending him up to bed. The change of demeanor in John worried Anna. Was the kindness all an act?
She put Declan to bed and then debated on going back downstairs. But her tea was waiting for her and it had been one of the few things to settle her stomach.
Inhaling sharply, Anna made her way back to the kitchen. John was sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands.
"Is…" Anna paused, dare she ask what was wrong? "Did your trip not go well?" She finally settled on. Part of her knew she should have just poured her tea and gone back upstairs to read before going to bed, but she hadn't yet seen John in such a dismayed state.
John glanced up slightly and Anna could see there were tears in his eyes. He was holding them in, but they were plainly there to see.
"Lady Mary had her baby," John started. Anna clutched her hand over her heart, preparing for bad news about the baby. She hated to hear of wee little ones being hurt. "A little boy. Now the line can continue."
"A baby sounds like happy news," Anna said, confused. John nodded and a sad smile grew upon his lips.
"Very happy. But," he stopped for a moment, taking in a deep breath. "Mr. Matthew, Lady Mary's husband, was killed soon after his son was born. He died in a car accident."
Anna felt her chest heave and her hands began to grow shaky.
"How…how terrible," her lips trembled. Another woman widowed by one fatal moment. Though she didn't know Lady Mary, her heart broke for her.
"Yes, it's very sad. It wasn't too long ago that we lost Lady Sybil, Mary's sister to childbirth. It seems the Grantham House is faced with a curse of children losing a parent at birth. At least Tom and Lady Mary have their children as a way to remember their lost loves. Poor Lord Grantham is so upset, he saw Mr. Matthew as like his very own son. Now, he says Lady Mary is absolutely devastated. But she will have her boy. He's hoping there is some solace in that."
Anna's hand came down to rest against her flat stomach. Her mind racing. No, she thought to herself. She couldn't be. The nausea began to stir within her stomach again and tears built up in her eyes.
John glanced back up at her and he frowned.
"Oh, Anna, I didn't think…" But Anna didn't allow him to say anything else. She turned and made her way up the stairs, closing herself within her room.
Suddenly, her mind began to calculate and a loud sob left her lips. Pregnant. She was pregnant. The sickness wasn't a bug. It was morning sickness and she had been so tired because of the pregnancy.
Pushing herself up against the wall where the corners met, Anna slid to the floor. She hid her head within her knees and began to sob. A baby. All she could think about was how excited Lou would have been. He wanted children even more than she had. He always spoke about how he was going to spoil them, despite how little they had.
Oh god, she cried to herself. She didn't understand. How could life be so incredibly cruel?
Her stomach lurched. She tightly closed her eyes.
What was she going to do? How was she going to do this?
John hadn't known that a baby was part of the bargain. Would he decide this was too much and send her off to figure it out on her own?
Hot tears slid down her cheeks and she just allowed herself to cry.
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John frowned. Then he internally cursed himself. He hadn't thought how speaking about Mr. Matthew's death might bring up all those sad feelings for Anna. It was so close to what she had been through very recently.
Pushing his chair back, he stood. He saw that Anna had begun making herself a cup of tea. He poured it out and began a fresh batch. Perhaps, he could give it to her as a peace offering.
He was trying not to be insensitive to what she was going through. But it seemed he was always putting his foot into his mouth, like when he introduced her as his wife to Mrs. Hughes. It wasn't the right thing to do, even if it was true. They were only husband and wife on paper and it was unfair of him to use such language when Anna was still mourning the husband she loved.
He wished he could understand the type of love and hurt she was feeling. It was hard for him to grasp. His marriage to Vera never had love in it. It did have a lot of hurt, but that hurt came from each other, not from being apart. In fact, being apart was what finally made him feel joy again. It took him awhile not to hate her for leaving Declan. But in the end, he decided she did the best thing for him. Declan wouldn't have to be raised by a woman who didn't want anything to do with him. He would never have to see himself as a burden.
When the tea was ready, John poured her a new cup. He knew she liked sugar and milk, but he couldn't remember how much. So he made her a tray and added a couple of biscuits.
Then he slowly made his way upstairs, hoping not to spill it.
"Anna?" He asked, knocking on the door. "I'm sorry. I hadn't been thinking about what I was saying. I brought you some tea."
There was no answer.
"Anna?"
"Please go away," her voice cried from the other side of the door. It was a plea. There was no anger in her words, only deep sadness. He sighed, heartbroken for her.
"Alright," he said to her. "I'll set the tea by the door and then walk away. Goodnight, Anna."
There wasn't a response. He carefully bent down and placed the tray on the floor, much like he had the first week she had moved in. Then he walked toward his own bedroom door.
At his door, John turned to see if Anna was going to open the door and grab the tea. He slid back far enough so that she wouldn't be able to spot him if he did.
However, after standing there for nearly five minutes, he realized she wasn't going to come out. He let out a loud breath and then closed his own door.
To be continued...
Well, looks like a baby is on the way. How will that change things?
