Levi let himself into his apartment and made a beeline for the sink. He stripped off his gloves and began scrubbing his hands with the stiff brush he kept there just for that purpose. He knew he'd be up all night cleaning.
He scrubbed, gritting his teeth against the pain. Pain in his hands, pain in his heart. The foam from the Ivory soap boiled up pink. He scrubbed some more.
He hated himself, hated life, hated Erwin. Fuck Erwin. Fuck him for judging him. He rinsed and re-soaped. The foam was red now.
Erwin did judge him, right? Who wouldn't? He was a fucking freak. He replayed the horrified, pitying look on Erwin's face over and over in his mind. He turned the tap on full hot and hissed as the water hit his hands. Finally, sobbing, he turned off the taps. Enough. Blood ran lazily over his knuckles and dripped into the sink. He'd have to rinse that off. Taking a breath he made himself turn on only the cold water and eased his battered hands under the flow.
The blood combined with the water in the sink and made it look like a murder scene. He turned it off and carefully patted his hands dry, tossing the bloody towel, with a moue of disgust, into the laundry basket. He'd probably never get that blood out.
Hands shaking, he retrieved his first aid kit out of the cabinet and sat down at the table. He just sat, longing for a cup of tea, but he had to let his hands air dry. He waited. They dried slowly, the skin stretching tight, the pain singing. Eventually, they were fully dry and he retrieved a small tub of cream from the first aid box.
Gingerly he smeared gobs of the soothing emollient onto his hands. Jesus, it felt good. He gently rubbed it in, taking care not to make the blood start up again. Better.
Oh shit, what was he going to do? How would he ever be able to have a roommate in his home? Nobody could see his hands. Nobody. Only his doctor and his therapist had ever seen them when they were this bad. Well, and Farlan and Isobel, when his mom was sick and then after she died. And now Erwin.
How was he ever going to find someone to love him with this shitty disease? He'd probably never see Erwin again. He didn't blame him. He stood to make himself tea, smearing the handle of his electric kettle, his teapot, and his cup with the slimy cream. There was no helping it.
He purposely kept his eyes averted from the sink. He would force himself to wait to clean. He could do it.
He returned to the table with his tea, poured the bare minimum of milk into his cup, and sipped gratefully. Because of the goo on his hands, he had to hold the cup awkwardly in his palm to avoid dropping it. The hot porcelain burned like hellfire but he withstood it. He took a long sip and looked down. Rose was there, sat patiently, doing her weird air-kneading.
"I'm sorry, Rosie baby. Papa had a bad day. Gimme a second and I'll get your food."
Rose cocked her head, kneaded the air, and waited patiently.
Levi hung his head for a moment then took a deep breath, letting it out through his nose. He counted backward from ten, willing himself to relax. He was home. He was safe.
"Papa really fucked up tonight, Rose. I think I scared the shit out of that guy I like. He saw my hands."
Rose cocked her head, kneading, kneading.
Levi finished his first cup and poured his second, plying the milk. When he was done, he stood and retrieved another dishtowel, patting each hand all over to absorb any remaining cream. Then he fed Rose.
Finally, he carefully pulled on his long rubber dish gloves and mixed up a piping hot bucket of cleanser.
He started with the sink.
Erwin was back at his closet of an apartment, pacing back and forth. Every now and then he dragged his fingers through his hair agitatedly.
How could he have been so stupid? He had no business going behind the bar like that. He had effectively betrayed Levi's privacy and his trust. The image of his red and cracked hands crawled to the forefront of his mind. Levi lived with that every day? The man would probably never speak to him again.
No. That wouldn't do. He liked Levi, wanted to be around him more. Damn this disorder. It didn't define Levi. Erwin wouldn't let it.
To Levi's shock, Erwin came into the bar a couple of days later. He sat on his regular stool. Levi served him in silence. Erwin never spoke. Levi moved off quickly, ignoring him.
Erwin sipped his beer and waited patiently. He knew he had done something wrong and he was determined to right it. He gave Levi his space. He was stubborn and he had all the time in the world.
Levi continued to steadfastly ignore Erwin but Erwin caught his staring at him a couple of times. Erwin drank his beer. The bar emptied further.
Finally, Levi strayed close. He stood, much as he had the first time they'd met, awkwardly, as if he wanted to speak but couldn't work up the words.
Erwin's gaze strayed to Levi's hands and his stomach twisted. How could Levi do this to himself? It was a terrible disorder.
Levi noticed his look and fiddled with his gloves, clearly angry and embarrassed.
"I'm normally not this bad," he blurted.
Erwin just looked at him. He didn't know what to say.
"Not that it's any of your business," he started, belligerently, "My friends …" He seemed to choke on the words. He was clearly torn between defensiveness and explaining himself. "My friends died a few weeks ago. It's been bad since then."
Erwin's face pinched in sympathy. "I … I'm so sorry, Levi. Do you take medication for it? What's it called?"
Why the fuck did he care? Levi hesitated. Just saying the words might be cathartic. He tried it.
"Medication, weekly sessions with a shrink. It's OCD."
Ah, Erwin had heard of that.
"I'm doing CBT therapy - Cognitive Behavior Therapy."
"Doesn't it help?"
"I have good weeks and bad weeks."
"You were bleeding …"
"Well, the knuckles were my fault. I've been in the gym working the heavy bag. Maybe a bit too much." He stared down at his hands accusingly as if they had done it to themselves.
"Can I do anything to help?"
Levi's gaze shot up to Erwin's face looking for revulsion or pity or worse; amusement. He found none. He was at a loss.
Erwin nodded firmly. "I want to help."
Levi swallowed with a dry click. No one had ever said that to him who wasn't a professional. Was Erwin actually serious? Or was he just fucking around? Or, at the very worst, looking for some sad little pet project?
The evening went by a little more pleasantly. Levi was cool but attentive, Erwin relaxed.
"So what do you do for fun?" Erwin asked after his fourth beer.
"Fun?"
"Yeah."
"I clean," Levi said dryly.
"I said for fun, Levi." Erwin laughed.
"Hey, maybe I love it, maybe I get a hard-on just cleaning the grout between the tiles in my bathroom."
Erwin giggled at that. "But then you'd ejaculate all over and have to clean again."
"True." Levi threw his towel over his shoulder. "And who the hell says 'ejaculate'?" He cupped his hand next to his crotch and twisted his hips back and forth. "I'd cum all over, you prissy bastard."
Erwin swallowed at the vivid image and licked his lips, embarrassed that he'd imagined it. Levi's ears went red and he hurried on. "Nah, seriously, I work on my bike, I suppose."
"Your bike? Why don't you bike to work then?"
"Motorcycle. It's an old Indian I'm restoring." Levi retrieved his wallet and brought out a folded picture.
"You keep a picture of your motorcycle in your wallet?"
"We're in love."
Erwin chortled at that and inspected the pic. It showed a long, low bike with Levi posed awkwardly behind it.
"Wow. Nice! That must have cost a pretty chunk of change."
"In bits and pieces, yeah, but I enjoy it."
"Why don't you ride it to work?"
"And have some drunk puke on it in the alley? Hell no. I take it out on Sundays, ride out to the country."
Erwin handed the photograph back. "That sounds really nice."
"What about you? What do you do for fun? Besides tiny blondes?"
"Oh, ouch! That was a one-time thing and I never got a chance to 'do' anything. I'll have you know that my last boyfriend was tall and dark."
"And handsome?"
"I wouldn't go that far …"
"So what happened? Where is he?"
"Broke up with me last week. By text." Erwin gulped his beer. "Said he was going back to his wife."
"That's pretty shitty."
"Yeah …"
Levi dried a glass. "Is it too much to ask to find someone who doesn't treat us like shit?" he asked suddenly.
Erwin sighed. "Good damned question."
"Tch. Language!"
Erwin threw back his head and laughed.
