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A blonde-haired red-eyed youth could be seen running as far as his young feeble legs could carry him. He had been running from a mob of angry, fat and hungry civilians. After all, they say a hungry man is an angry man.

The boy being chased was named Doreeto Uzumaki. He was known as the burrito brat for he was known to be carrying the Nine rolled enchilada within his gut, a demon known, and hated, for passing the biggest fart in all of history. The victim of said fart was The Hidden Leaf, and its inhabitants and anyone else who happened to be within a 10-mile radius developed ass cancer.

With 1/10 of the population succumbing to ass cancer that fateful night, the civilians were out for revenge! They had taken to beating Doreeto with expired salsa rolls as payback despite Doreeto's connection to the Enchilada demon.

But this was only added to their problems for Doreeto, as per his jinchuriki status, had a passive ability. A passive ability is a passive ability. Now you know.

Oh, and passive abilities are gained from being a jinchuriki.

Anyways, Doreeto's passive is letting out farts when he feels very scared. And what is a better way to instill fear in a child than beating them expired salsa? What if the salsa got into their wounds? The horror.

Whenever the little shit gets scared, he lets out a big ripper reminiscent of those from the nine rolled enchilada, and thus, those near him within immediate vicinity are prone to developing ass cancer.

Either that or they develop explosive diarrhea. And if you were unlucky, both.

And the Hyuuga claim to have the ultimate defence.

Now back with the villagers of The Hidden Leaf, they were dumb fucks.

Every night comes a new mob, and every night more people inflicted with ass cancer and explosive diarrhea, and subsequently, more deaths.

They never learn. I guess they also suffer from brain cancer as well. But if they learn from their mistakes then this fic's plot cannot continue. Can't have these people become smarter now can I?


Enter Hiruzen Sarutobi. Or was it Sarutobi Hiruzen? Aw fuck it. Who cares. Definitely not the author. This dude was the Hoe-kage of Konoha. Yes, males can be hoes. Don't argue with me. Hiruzen watched poor Doreeto through his precious crystal balls (I'll leave your imagination to that) be chased through the streets and decided to do nothing. Not like those brain dead civilians will ever contribute much to society always.

While Hiruzen played with his crystal balls, in came into his office, his old compadre, Oznad, whose name is definitely not Danzo spelled backwards.

Ozbad hated coming to the hoe-kage's office because of the ever lasting smell of weed and aids in the air. How Hiruzen's lungs didn't shrivel up and die was beyond him.

'What was Tobirama-sensei thinking appointing Hiruzen over me? This weed druggie?'

"Hiruzen," Oznad began, "You surely see the problem we are currently facing, right?"

"What problem Danzo?" Hiruzen asked puffing out a plume of smoke which sailed through the air, travelling across the room before slapping Oznad across the face.

"For the last time, my name is not Danzo! It's Oznad! Anyway, the jinchuriki is giving more of our population ass cancer! Just right now, there are reports to a woman who gave birth to baby."

"I fail to see the..."

"She gave birth through her ass."

"So?" Hiruzen inquired. Looking back at his crystal balls, he came to watch Doreeto fart some little kids at the playground.

"So? SO? Uzumaki's farting problem is genetically screwing us over! Anymore of this, and we might not even be human anymore.

Also, do you not realize that we're losing members of our civilian workforce? As brain dead as they are, they still have their uses.

Third, and most importantly, do you not realize the potential of you Doreeto? He can be a nuke! Literally. We can use him to nuke other people instead of our own! We need to train him into eating large quantities of tacos and burritos them we can dump him into an enemy village and have him fart, nuking our enemies in the process. His farts have the potential to be as strong as 3 tailed beast bombs for crying out loud! He needs root to train him!" Oznad was of average intellect but compared to Hiruzen on weed, the next Shinobi-einstien.

"Roots? You want to teach him how to garden? Ok cool. You have my permission."

Hiruzen in his weed stupor didn't realize what he had just done. He allowed Doreeto into becoming a gardener! The last successful Gardner ever in Konoha history was the first hoe-kage who created the forest with his own chakra. A forest that hated anyone that wasn't Hashirama and always took to harming any poor souls that wandered into their domain.

Why do you think one of the forests within The Hidden Leaf was called the forest of death? You stupid plebians!

Oznad had taken to mentally slapping himself. How can he never thought of manipulating the hoe-kage whenever he was high?! Maybe he wasn't as smart as he thought he was.


The next day Hiruzen, once free from his weed ridden stupor, had realized what he signed up Doreeto for. He couldn't help but pity the forest. For the forest's trees attempted killing Doreeto the instant he wandered in, but because the attempt on his life had scared him, he farted. Thus granting the forest's trees the pleasure of having bark cancer.

What? You thought I was going to say the trees got ass cancer?

Trees don't have assess

You idiot!


A/N: Why did I write this?

Inspiration for this fic is another fic which goes by the name, "Doruto cussin of Naruto"

by Doruto.