I now officially consider Alice a friend.
I mean, how could I not? I just spent the better part of the day crying on her.
I don't know just how long I spent at Dave's house before I finally pulled my shit together. Well, together enough to call someone. I almost called Angela, but even with her knowing about me being Hit Girl and my interest in Dave, I didn't think she'd be able to help with this. She's been great, she really has, but this was so far beyond her the sound from this blow up won't reach her for three more days. This was a fail of nuclear proportions. Marcus, obviously, wasn't an option either.
But Alice did give me her phone number and told me to call her if I ever needed someone to talk to. So I did. I tried to talk to her over the phone, but my voice kept breaking so she asked if I wanted her to come get me.
And after a moment I decided I did. I gave her the intersection next to a park a few blocks from Dave's house then went to wait for her.
She lives just outside the city, so it took her about twenty minutes to get there. I didn't mind the wait though, especially since I wasn't in Dave's house anymore. It gave me some time to pull myself together.
When she pulled up there was brief awkward moment where she just stood there, looking over her car at each other. Finally she said, "So, did you want to talk here or...we could go back to my place?"
I wanted to be somewhere private, and I couldn't think of anywhere else to go, so I said, "Your place is fine."
A part of me told me that this was a bad idea. That even though I'd worked side by side with this woman for months, that she'd known my secret for half as long, I shouldn't get in the car with her and let her take me to an unknown location. I could have suggested going to headquarters, but other people might be there. There's Safe House C, but I just didn't want to bring her there. But I'd thought of all that before this voice started whispering at me. So I just told it to shut up and that I hoped something did happen because it would take my mind off of potentially losing my best friend and partner forever.
The drive wasn't long. It actually seemed to go by a lot faster than her getting there. We didn't talk until we got to her house though, which was in this nice little housing complex that you'd never guess was just outside New York City. It was like it was in it's own little world. It was as creepy as it was nice.
So when she pulled up in front of this house that had to have at least four bedrooms and said, "Well, here we are." I was kinda surprised. I mean, as a general rule we didn't ask each other for more information than they were willing to volunteer, so I didn't know what Alice was doing for a living now that she was out of the military, but the house was way more than I ever expected.
So I asked her, "This is your house?"
And she kinda smiled weakly and said, "Well, I live here, but it's not my house. It's my brother and his wife's, and kids."
For a split second my stomach dropped into my shoes. I mean, how where we supposed to talk with all those people there? And how would she explain why she brought a 13-year-old girl home with her?
She must have noticed my worry because she said, "Don't worry, they're all out for the day."
I nodded and followed her into the house, then asked, "So, does your family know about your hobby?"
She grinned and said, "Nope. They think I go to counseling."
I smiled and said, "Sneaky." Then looked around and said, "You've got a nice place here."
"Thanks. It'd be nice to have a place like this of my own someday. Not quite this big though."
I said, "Yeah. It'd be nice to-" and all of a sudden I was thinking so far beyond anything I'd ever thought about before. I don't think I'd ever thought about Dave and I being much older than we are now, but suddenly I was imagining what we'd look like in ten years, with kids and a house of our own. With a secret lair in the basement.
I don't know how long I was off in fantasy land, but when Alice finally shook me out of it she was sitting next to me on the couch and had an arm around me. I was also crying. Not total-breakdown-sobbing like I'd been earlier, just tears running down my face as I realized how much I wanted Dave and I to be together and how impossible it all seemed.
And she just held onto me for a moment before asking, "What happened?"
So, I told her all about how I'd thought we were getting closer and
that he just might like me the way I like him, how I found out he was moving in with Riley, my brilliant idea to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat by crawling, naked, into his arms while he slept and put his hands on me, and how he flipped out when he woke up to discover what I'd done. It took me awhile, since I kept choking up and having little mini breakdowns, all while a little voice nagged at me that I shouldn't give a shit and had more important things to worry about, but I got through it.
When I was finished talking Alice let out a long breath and said, "Oh wow."
I asked her, "What am I supposed to do? I just lost my best friend."
She said, "I don't think you lost him," and pinched the bridge of her nose, "You fucked up big time, and it might take some time to fix things, but I don't think you've lost him."
When I asked her how she could think that, she said, "Well, look at the facts. He's known how you felt about him for ages, right? But he didn't stop you from snuggling up to him while hanging out, or sitting on his lap, or any of the other things he said it was a mistake for him to do. And maybe it was. Not gonna lie. But he did let you do those things. And he was always there for you, right? When you needed him? And don't forget he chose you over his girlfriend. The boy likes you. May not be interested in fucking you, but he likes you. So, I think, if you apologize for crossing that line, and if he accepts, then I think you'll be able to fix things. The door to being his lover might have slammed shut, but you'll get your friend back." Then she grinned at me and added, "And who knows? Maybe if things with Riley fall apart, in a couple years, he might give being with you some serious thought."
And I looked at her, and I said, "What am I supposed to do until then?"
Her grin turned into a sad smile, "Wait? Try to move on? Date someone a little more age appropriate? Like, whatever happened with that boy that was interested in you? Darren?"
"Dillon. He's dating someone."
Ans she said, "And maybe you should too."
So I told her, "But I don't want anyone else." And she just let me sit there and open and shut my mouth like a gasping fish while I tried to figure out how to explain it. And even then I ended up babbling a bit, but what I said was something like, "Dave is the only person that really knows me and he accepts who I am. No other boy at school, no matter how cute he might be, can understand what I've been through, let alone stand beside me through it. And not many heroes could do it either, but they don't know me the way Dave does and I don't want them too. And Dave has a drive for this. He didn't do it because other people were and thought it was something they wanted in on. He went out and did it on his own because he wanted to make the world a better place. How many people would do that? I just can't imagine not having him in my life. I love him so much it hurts and knowing that he's with another girl makes me want to die."
And when I finally stopped rambling, she said, "I understand everything you said, everything you're feeling, and I wish I had someone like that. I'm actually jealous. The only boyfriend I've had since coming back, the only friend I had before you guys, was another soldier. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough for us to really base a relationship on. So, when I decided to put on a costume and go out on the streets I broke it off with him. I feel less alone just sitting in that basement with all of you than I ever did with him, or even in this house. You're like my second family. And you're my younger, hotter, sister."
I glowered at her when she said that and said, "I'm not hotter than you."
And she smirked and said, "Give it a few years." Then she sighed and closed her eyes and after a minute she said, "You feel you're going to lose him. That he's going to be with Riley and she's going to become the girl in his life, which is what you had started to feel you were." She then looked at me and said with complete seriousness, "When his girlfriend, the girl he'd wanted for years, told him she didn't want him to see you anymore he refused. When this girl broke up with him and started rumors that had gotten him attacked in school, he still kept you around. Right?"
Now, Dave did kinda put some distance between us, but even I can admit it was nessecary, so I nodded my head in agreement.
So she said, "I think, that whatever happens between him and Riley, or any other girls after her, that you are always going to be a big part of his life. So if you want him, you're going to have to use that bond. Don't let him forget that you want to be more than friends, but don't push either. Just make sure he knows that if he ever starts to think about taking it to the next level, that you want him to. But if your feelings ever change, make sure he knows that too. The last thing you two need is for him to decide he wants to be with you only to find out you aren't interested anymore."
I told her, "But I don't want to wait. I want him now. I want to spend our days off cuddled up on the couch, talking and kissing. I want to come home from patrols and climb into bed with him and fall asleep with his arms around me. I want to wake up to him kissing my neck and running his hands over my body. I want us to train together, work up a heavy sweat, and end with him taking me against a wall. I want him to be there with me.
Alice said, "Well, you've got two of those. Two and a half maybe. You have come home from patrols and gone to bed together. You have spent days curled up with him. And he's there for you."
"I want him all the time. Not just when he can make time for me."
Then she smirked at me and said, "I think this is just as much about you being afraid of losing your friend as it about you not being able to have him as your boyfriend."
And as much as I hated to admit she could read me that well, she was right. I'd been fine with Dave dating Riley. So fine with it I'd all but forgotten they were together. We still hung out and had fun, with Marty, Todd and Angel or by ourselves. But a lot of that "just me and him" time was at his house. I can't imagine I'd be welcome to hang out with him at his new place. After all, it's not like Riley doesn't know I want him.
I don't know why she ever encouraged me though. That was just cruel. Like I could ever win against her. She did give me that "head start" on Dave's Birthday though... Ugh. It's all just so stupid.
Anyway, Alice told me that there may be nothing I can do but wait for him to be single again, and if that's a few years from now, all the better because I'll be older, more developed, and the age gap won't be as bad.
I don't think I can do that though. If I have to spend the next two or three years seeing him with Riley, I think I'll loose my fucking mind.
Mako's Explanation: Hey all! So, here's what happened. On Sept 11th I was notified that the building I rented an apartment in had been sold, and because the new owners wished to renovate the entire building, we had until Oct 15th to get out. So, I spent the next month looking for a place to live. I have one. And I'm moved in. But I'm hardly call myself settled yet. The last week has been complete hell, both from moving and medical issues with my son. So, this was written in starts and stops, and while I like each individual paragraph I'm not so sure about the chapter as a whole. So. there. That's where I've been the last six weeks.
Next chapter should be up tomorrow.
