Of course the sins would think that this was a fantastic idea. They were at once both constant, steadfast companions and living migraines.
Give the boy what he desires.
That was easy for them to say, those backseat drivers in his life. As if they were the ones who had to sit and watch as their son spit all over their years of work and affection.
"Dad, I know you hate it when I bring this subject up. You probably wish that I'd never even think about it, and sometimes I do too. But I'm tired of pretending to not care about it, because it's not working. You're going to hate me for this, but…"
Thaddeus was no stranger to disappointments, but few were willing to try and sugarcoat what they said to him. All the same, he gripped the kitchen table like a life preserver. Oh, what a way to start out his Monday morning.
"Last night you asked me what I wanted for my birthday. It would have been so easy to lie to you, to just say money." William gave a mechanical, almost practiced laugh. At this rate, by the end of the morning Thaddeus would need to call his G.P. to request a refill on his blood pressure prescription. "But all I've ever really wanted is to find out what happened to my mom."
The color drained from Thaddeus' face. He saw William but couldn't quite keep his eyes on him. The edge of the kitchen table dug into his palm until it began to bleed.
Thaddeus Sivana may have been a different man than his father, but he was no doormat. "Your mother doesn't even deserve the title."
"I know this is hard to hear-"
"Hard to hear? I feel like I've been shot. I've spent more than half of your life raising you, doing more for you than that woman ever could! Do you really think she cares about you? That she ever cared about you?" He stood up. "If you care about someone and they go missing, you tear the world apart trying to find them!"
That was what he should have done then. Even standing right in front of him, his son suddenly seemed ten thousand miles away. There was a wall between them that he could not climb over or find a way around. A stranger was eating breakfast in his kitchen.
"Dad-"
"William, when you say that word, do you really mean it? If you even think of her as your mother, then what the hell am I?"
"That's not what I'm trying to say!"
"Then what are you? Am I not enough? Did I fail somewhere along the line to make you want her? She threw you away like you were garbage!"
"We got lost! If I could just find her-"
"You'd what, walk out on me? Run headfirst into the arms of a woman who probably doesn't even realize you're alive?"
"Dad, I've heard all that before! You think the social workers didn't say the same thing? But I know that if I found her, she'd be happy. I mean, it has to have been pretty hard for her. It's not like she's knows to look for a William Sivana!"
Thaddeus gritted his teeth. His heart was pounding in his ears. "Don't you dare," he said, his voice flat and low, "ever so much as speak of her aloud again. I care very deeply for you, William. I try not to breathe down your neck, and I want you to be your own person. But I mean it when I say that you are never to speak aloud about that bitch again! You are my son and no one else's. Do you understand me?"
William glared at him. Maybe if puberty had hit, he would have looked threatening. But he was just a petulant little boy who couldn't appreciate the world if someone were to hand it to him.
"Do. You. Understand. Me?"
William ran past him, racing to his room. Thaddeus ran after him, gripping the doorknob that refused to open.
"William!"
No sound came from the other side of the door.
If Thaddeus were his father, he would have ripped the door off of its hinges and-
Thaddeus stopped himself. Their earlier argument notwithstanding, he was not his father. His stomach tightened. Fighting was a rarity in their home. Growing up, as hard as it had been to watch his father's face turn hard or feel his brother push him to the ground, at least it had been expected. This was another punch to the gut altogether. Just the night before everything had been fine. William had chattered on about the sets he was painting the next day for the school play and some new video game he'd started playing that weekend.
Thaddeus turned and headed for the living room. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he typed a quick email.
Something has come up, and I won't be able to make it into work this morning. I'll call into meetings through Skype as usual, but can't guarantee if I'll make it into the office.
Then he grabbed his laptop and pulled up some scanned files on the legends of Teth-Adam.
Were it not for the sins, it might have turned into a peaceful morning.
He has the right to know.
"He's setting himself up for disappointment."
Stop protecting him. Whether you like it or not, sooner or later he'll find out the truth. All you can do is define your role in the matter.
"I believe I made that role quite clear earlier this morning."
If he wants to hurt himself, you couldn't stop him with all of the power in the world.
"Magic eight ball, will Dad ever let me find out what happened to my mom?" As if Billy needed his permission!
He shook it. Billy must have dropped it one too many times because it kept falling on the same answer: Outlook not so good.
Billy sighed, falling back against his bed. He shouldn't have been surprised, but it hurt all the same. His dad was still his dad, but that didn't mean he had the right to tell him to stop thinking about his mom. If his dad had his way, Billy would have forgotten about her and his old life altogether, something that time was making all too easy. How much longer until he couldn't conjure up her face, when the carnival and everything before it was nothing but a hazy memory, if even that? Tears formed in the corners of his eyes, hot and salty, and he let them fall. There was no one around to see them.
Three short taps came on his door.
"Go away!"
"And here I thought you'd like the news I had for you."
There was something in his father's voice that made Billy sit up and hurry off of his bed. He unlocked the door, throwing it open with such force that he half expected to pull the knob off.
It was only when he and his father were standing face to face that he realized that he was still crying. Billy put his hands up to his eyes as if to shield himself. His father leaned down, holding him as the tears started anew and Billy's whole body shook.
"Shh, it's going to be okay."
The tears came out faster. What did his father know?
"William, stop crying. I'd hate to tell you the news when you're like this."
Billy rubbed at his eyes with his sleeves. His father stepped away, then returned a few moments later with a box of tissues.
"What's so important?" Billy's voice shook when he spoke.
"I thought about what you said earlier. You're right, it does hurt to do this." His father stepped back, his eyes turning towards the floor. "But I'm not the first adoptive parent to have to do this, and I won't be the last. I'm going to hire a private investigator to find your mother."
It would have been easy to have his secretary look into the case, probably even a hell of a lot faster. But his life was his own business, and the last thing he needed was word of his home troubles getting around the office. Almost exactly two months after their fight, Thaddeus' phone rang at eleven at night.
"Sorry to call you so late, but I'd rather tell you now, Mr. Sivana. I found her."
