A/N: I'm sorry it's taken this long for an update! Time as always got away from me and then this chapter has been nothing but a pain in the ass from start to finish. If I don't post this now then I'll end up scraping the whole chapter and scream with frustration while I don't touch it again for a few months. So here you go! Massive apologies for any mistakes and the choppiness of it (I really struggled). But I hope everyone has had a great Christmas and an amazing start to 2016! :) Reviews are love.
"I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don't know what to do with all this hurt right now." Nina Guilbeau
Chapter Five
When I woke up the next morning it was because I was uncomfortable. Falling asleep on top of my covers still with my boots on had left me overheating and stiff. My cheeks were sticky from my tears, some hair painfully stuck to them. I lifted myself up with a groan trying to remember my dream but the more I strained for it the more I forgot it. I rubbed at my gritty eyes, the old mascara crumbling to the bed while my mind slowly and fuzzily woke up. What happened again last night?
The graveyard . . . the pacing . . . the stranger . . .
"Jesse!" I cried suddenly, my eyes wide and frantic while I felt around for the phone Paul brought me on the bed, my heart racing in hopes that when I looked at it there is a message from Jesse waiting there. But when I finally managed to press the button there was nothing. Just like a pin popping a balloon I deflated back to the bed with another groan, angry at myself for being naive and stupid enough to think there would be something from him. Not because I think he's not going to be in touch, but because I want him to so badly. If Paul made me react like this I wouldn't have to remind myself he exists every few hours.
I looked at the time, wondering if maybe Gina was skipping school today or deciding to be a good student so I could call her. I missed my best friend, one of the only people ever to get me to talk and just understand me for who I am, not asking for anything from me. I put the thought away for later, determined to talk to her at some point this week.
Sleep was a no go so I spent the next hour doing everything I could to not continuously check my phone. Showered, primped, and checked myself out in the mirror, trying to figure out who the stranger is staring back. Doing what I could to hide the dark circles under my eyes. Eventually, after deciding I need some serious beach days again to zap away my zombie appearance I went back into my room, grabbing my phone along the way. Still no text.
Is this what Kelly and Debbie do when they give their number out to an insanely hot guy; pine over their phone? Because that's not me. I swear Paul never has me like this. Not even in the beginning when the start of a relationship is supposed to be exciting and new. With him it's mostly fumbling hands, kissing and half answers to questions I'm still waiting for.
With Jesse . . . well with him everything is different.
I'm different.
Sitting down on my window seat I pushed the window open despite the cold foggy morning I'm so used to now. This is when Gina would have been useful, telling me what to do. What would she do? My best friend would text him first, not waiting around for him to make the first move - even if this is about mediator business - and just go for it; especially if she likes them. Gina doesn't know the phrase beat around the bush. Neither do I normally, I'm the girl without the filter that just barrels into danger because I don't know or feel any different. So why am I suddenly turning in to this girl I'm not?
"To hell with it," I muttered as I heard the familiar thump on the porch roof outside my window. Seconds later Spike, my ugly adopted fat ginger cat stumbled through the window for the first time in days and glared at me. Ignoring him for a second - thanking the ghost kid again for my new 'pet' - and opened a new text to Jesse. Spike growled as my thumbs flew across the screen in record time. I glanced at the text once and sent it. I don't believe in agonizing over messages either.
"Alright grumpy, let's go," I sighed tiredly, putting my phone down and feeding Spike who took two swipes at me with his talons and then chowed down like he hasn't eaten in days. Judging by the fat belly touching the floor though I'd say he's been fine. The ghost kid really hadn't left me much choice in taking Spike on. He's so ugly no one would take him; this arrangement just about works for the both of us. I feed him; he doesn't sleep on my bed. Mediators gotta do what Mediators gotta do.
Like Anna and her boyfriend Ethan.
I sighed again already feeling just how long this day is going to be. I mean sure, I might not normally be in tune with my emotions, but my intuition is pretty good. And this time it's telling me that waiting around isn't going to make that problem go away. Of course her begging and pleading kind of makes me want to get a move on anyway and it's the perfect reason to see Jesse, to get to know this guy who has me so twisted in knots. But below all of that, when I really feel for it, I can just tell time isn't on our side.
That's where Doc found me not long later, staring out of my window and trying to figure out what to do next about lots of things.
"Morning Suze, we're - oh, you're ready?" Doc's normally gentle smile he gives me - because he knows sometimes I'm not the friendliest person in the morning - faltered when he saw me. I must look worse than I thought. "Why are you up so early?" he questioned, the tips of his ears and cheeks turning an interesting shade of red when I pierced him with a look. Not a mean one, but probably more intense than normal.
"Couldn't sleep," I muttered, grabbing my jacket and throwing my bag over my shoulder. But before I followed my red curly haired step-brother out of my room I turned around and grabbed my phone from the cushions. Doc waited for me to join him and then trotted down the stairs beside me, like a little shadow.
"Is it because of school? Are you stressed about being a senior? Do you have problems with Paul? Because I - "
"You know I'm good for today's lesson on what percentage of teenagers feel stressed and why," I interrupted him, resisting running a hand across my eyes in exhaustion and frustration, clutching my phone a little tighter instead. I saw Doc's face redden again, the color almost exactly matching his hair. Sighing, I felt another stab of guilt for dismissing him, just like nearly everyone else does. He looks up to me so much and I manage to totally stomp over that respect sometimes. "I'm sorry." I simply said.
"That's OK," he beamed back at me, waving the moment off. "But I was just going to say if you need someone to talk to, err, maybe that I'm a good listener too."
I stopped in the middle of our living room and just staring at my kid step-brother. Over the last few months I've watched him transform into an even more awkward teenager than he was when I first arrived. But I'm starting to see the man he's going to become. He's grown taller, his ears don't seem to stick out as much as they did, he doesn't give me anywhere near as many facts about random things as he used to. But looking at him I realized that maybe he might need someone to talk to about stuff sometimes too.
"Thanks David, same goes to you." I smiled, squeezing his shoulder once before moving on. The shimmer in his eyes was making me uncomfortable.
In fact this whole new wave of emotion I'm not used to is making me uncomfortable. Being jaded was easier.
"Move it, I've gotta get to school!" Dopey yelled at me as he shoved past me out of the kitchen, his face stuck in a permanent scowl. I swung around to tell him to wait for Doc but he was already flipping me the bird. "You'll have to get your precious boyfriend to drive him, I'm not waiting around." And he disappeared.
I looked at Doc to see his face morph into slight panic before it went blank, his body shifting from one foot to another. "I think he has an assignment due first thing and he hasn't finished it." he answered for me, not that I asked. "Um, I can ask a friends mom to give me a lift to school, don't worry."
"No problem you can come with me and Paul," I shrugged grabbing the first banana I touched on the kitchen island and went back through the house to wait out the front for him. Doc mumbled something about not wanting to be a bother as he followed me dragging his heels. "You're not, you're my brother." I surprised us both by saying. For the third time that morning I saw Doc's face light up and stomped down hard on the urge to roll my eyes at his happiness.
Call me a bitch but I just didn't have the patience to talk to Doc about something ethically or morally wrong right then while we waited, so I opened my phone instead ready to text Gina. Anything to make it look like I was too distracted to talk, because I'm such a fantastic big sister.
I guess as much as I hoped to hear from Jesse, I still wasn't prepared for it. Seeing a reply from him made my feet stumble as I stepped from the porch and my heart raced inside my chest again. I've heard people say they physically feel their heart do some kind of weird fluttery thing but I've never experienced it myself up until yesterday. But there it was again at just the sight of his name on my phone; that invisible connection pulling tight again.
"Are you OK, Suze?" Doc asked me, peering at me behind his glasses when I came to an ungraceful stop.
I nodded absently too busy shakily opening the phone. If someone could just explain to me why I have such a strong reaction to a guy I don't know, have barely seen, then that would be just great. Because it was starting to frighten me and I don't get scared easily . . . or at all.
'Good morning, Susannah. You're welcome for the lift last night, it was my pleasure. Yes I am available to go and see Ethan, would you like me to pick you up from school?'
I read the text again and again, memorizing it within seconds, soaking in every single word on the screen as I practically lifted it to my face to look at it. There wasn't any kisses, no smiley faces - not that I'd expected anything like that. But even through a text it felt welcoming and sweet and I felt my body tingle and warm just from reading it. Smiling - another past time I rarely do - I was just about to punch in a reply when I heard Paul's sporty car come racing up the hill. Something else instantly took away the warm glowy feeling Jesse had given me as I locked my phone and shoved it in my pocket, wiping my face of the smile.
"David's coming with us today, Brad left him behind." I told Paul as I climbed in, not giving him an option. Doc's my family, whether I chose it or not. That gives me big sister power to bend my boyfriend to what I want, even if I can be a bitch of a sister. Paul cocked an eyebrow at me but otherwise never said anything about it. David slid in the back quietly, not making a peep.
"Morning, David," Paul acknowledged before turning to me and cupping my face with his hand. "Good morning, beautiful. I've missed you," he crooned his usual line as he leaned forward and pulled me in for a kiss. In the last second I turned my head so he got the cheek, no way am I making out with him with David in the car too, talk about gross. It didn't by-pass me he said almost the same thing as Jesse, only the massive difference is how it made me react. My hand unconsciously went to my pocket to feel for my phone.
Frowning at being given the cheek move Paul glanced in the back at Doc and his frown went from moody to something darker. Sitting back in his seat in a huff he roared away from my house, barely giving me time to put my seat belt on.
"Speeding much, Paul?" I commented, not because I'm bothered by his speed, I don't have much sense of danger like I've said. But because I could hear the little sounds of nervousness from Doc in the back and I knew he hated it when Dopey goes too fast. When I glanced at him I could see his face still set with that anger from before. This isn't the first time he's pulled some stupid moody stunt because he can't get his own way; he's a pro at guilt tripping. But I learned fast that sometimes the quickest way to snap him out of it is to give him a little attention.
So I went against what I like and reached out to place a hand on his knee, squeezing it gently once but otherwise keeping it there.
Almost instantly his foot eased off the accelerator and his face lost that frown. He smiled, resting a hand on top of mine so I couldn't move it. The ride to school was silent otherwise, Paul never made the effort to talk to Doc and I never tried to talk to Paul. I'm aware my family don't really like Paul, but I hadn't stopped to think he might not like them either. I realized it when he treated my step-brother like he wasn't even in the car with us, didn't even say anything when Doc thanked him for the ride.
The second I had a chance I pulled my hand away from his knee and got out of the car.
"So you're coming over tonight," Paul told me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as we walked into school together. "I'm ordering us pizza, we haven't had any quality time together in ages." he murmured into my ear as he gently kissed it, whispering things that made me want to rip away from him. Instead I stayed where I was, looking straight ahead and holding my phone through my pocket again.
"I can't tonight; I've got some errands to run and homework to finish. Besides you know Andy insists on having us all there for dinner, he's not going to like it if I tell him I'm binning off his gourmet food for pizza. Maybe another time, I've got to get to class." I pecked him quickly on the cheek and moved out of his arm, suddenly feeling desperate to get away from him. It felt like someone had suddenly placed chains around my neck, weighing me down I had to get away.
Except I didn't.
"Hold on," Paul suddenly grabbed a hold of my wrist and yanked me back to him making me stumble. I saw a few people out of the corner of my eye watching us but couldn't tear my eyes away from Paul's livid blue gaze. "What the hell's going on, Suze? We've barely seen each other recently, doesn't that bother you?"
I opened my mouth to say no, but realized with a sudden burst of clarity that it would be the way wrong thing to say to him right then. Paul was pissed and I was the reason why. The grip on my wrist wasn't getting any lighter either. "Yes," I lied. "But I can't help having things to do and you know how Andy can be. Another time, OK?" I wasn't going to suddenly lie down and roll over for him, but I didn't want him mad at me either. Why has he got to be so possessive sometimes? Gina's never had this with any of her boyfriends. "Let go of my arm." I pulled back a little.
Like a switch being flicked all the anger and seething in Paul's eyes and expression just disappeared. There and then gone, just like that. If my wrist wasn't throbbing I'd have questioned if I saw it or not. Has that ever happened before and I just haven't noticed? He loosened his grip on my wrist and rubbed the sore area with his thumb as though he hadn't just gone all Neanderthal on me out of nowhere.
Cupping my cheek with his hand again Paul looked at me with so much love and adoration I wanted to throw up in my mouth. I swallowed automatically, clutching my phone again, desperate for that connection on it. "I'm sorry Suze; I just hate not seeing you now we're back at school. It drives me crazy I want you so much," Leaning forward he pressed a kiss to my lips that on anyone else would have been sweet and coercing. Before yesterday it worked on me a little too. But today it just made me feel wrong and disgusting.
Maybe it's me that's wrong and disgusting, feeling like this being kissed by a hot guy who loves me.
Once Paul pulled away I breathed again. "I'll see you at lunch. Love you, beautiful," he smiled his perfectly straight white teeth at me, letting me go and walking away. I looked down at my wrist and suddenly something in me just snapped as I yanked my phone back out of my pocket to reply to Jesse.
'No, I'll meet you somewhere else, maybe the Historical Society - 3pm?'
I hit send and put my phone away; when I looked up no-one was looking at me but I felt like I was under a microscope anyway. I glanced at my wrist again. I felt like I was outside of my body watching myself. Paul had done that. Why did I let him do that? Why didn't I punch him or tell him to go to hell. I never thought I'd let someone treat me like that. I know he can be possessive but that . . . what even was that?!
"Coming to homeroom, Suze?!" Cee Cee called out to me from where she was standing under the breezeway. I saw her violet eyes watching me carefully as I walked towards her, the journalist in her not missing a beat. But she didn't question me on it though I could tell she wanted to. It's no secret with Cee Cee and Adam that they don't like Paul. Seems like I'm the only person who does around here, maybe with the exception of Kelly Prescott and the other fan girls.
I spent most of the school day trying to figure everything out, break it down into easy to digest bites and go from there. First was Paul's reaction. Maybe it is because I haven't been spending as much time with him. Mom and Andy have pulled the leash a little tighter so I don't stay out as late. Not that it'd stop me if I really wanted to go out. And I can't blame it on Jesse, though thinking about him compared to Paul doesn't exactly make me want to run into my boyfriends arms either.
No, the solution to that is giving Paul what he wants. Be the doting girlfriend I'm supposed to be while helping Anna and Ethan with their problem - in secret.
And Jesse . . . The thought of not seeing him made me feel panicked. Like to the point where I suddenly struggled to breathe again. I don't know who he is and what he's done to me, but whatever it was it's changed me. There's this thing between us I don't understand, but I want to figure it out. I need to. The confusion will go away, I just need to rein in how he makes me feel and I'll be fine. Eventually I'll get over the shock I feel every time I see him, right?
By the time school let out I felt a little bit clearer headed. I even tried to kiss Paul goodbye without flinching, to try and feel something between us as I ran my hand through his hair. I guess it's a work in progress.
I secured a ride to the Historical Society with Adam, making up some excuse about leaving something behind there the day before. Walking inside I instantly looked around for Jesse but couldn't see him. I was little early so I walked over to some of the artefacts they had on show, not really taking any of it in. But that's where he found me, staring at a portrait of an attractive young woman with dark ringlet curls in an expensive looking dress, a large jewel hanging around her neck.
I felt him before I saw him, like my whole body responded to his presence.
"Hey," I breathed staring at his reflection in the glass beside me. Taking in a quiet breath I turned to look at him. "How are you?"
The smile Jesse gave me literally made me feel like my knees were going to give out, it went all the way to his eyes. I unconsciously reached out a hand to brace myself against the display case. "I'm OK, how are you?" he answered, his smile dimming a little as he traced his eyes over me. Probably seeing the bags under my eyes no concealer can cover. He made me want to be honest, tell him I'm tired, confused, frustrated. I wanted to hold on to him somehow and ask him to tell me what's happening and what to do.
But I've never asked someone for help in my life and I wasn't about to start now; even if he looked like that's what he wanted me to do too. I opened my mouth to ask why I can read him so easily, but snapped it shut again and gave a false smile. Just add it to the list of other weird things between us.
"I'm ready to go and see Ethan," I told him instead, evading his question and biting down on all of mine.
He looked away from me once, looking at the same portrait I'd been staring at before swinging his warm dark gaze back to me. "OK then, let's go."
He gestured for me to go first and I did my best to not watch every step I took in case I tripped on invisible air. I've never been so hyper-sensitive to another person, never been near a good looking guy before and suddenly watched what I said, how I acted or how I walked. But I did all of that with Jesse, the exception being that I felt like I couldn't hide anything from him.
Being the gentleman that he is he held my door open for me and let me slip into his car first, the act not taking me by surprise, like I'd expected him to do that. Just like the car ride from last night we didn't fill the silence with meaningless words and chit chat. I just wound my window down and let the breeze wash over my face as I relaxed back into my seat. It wasn't until Jesse called my name that I realized I'd been so relaxed for the first time all day that I'd almost fallen asleep.
"Have you seen Anna since yesterday?" Jesse asked me as he drove, not taking his eyes from the road.
"No. She hasn't given much to go on either other than her boyfriend blames himself and its tearing him up," And how many times have I heard that from a ghost? I'm not saying he isn't cut up, she definitely is, I feel horrible whenever she comes around crying because it's so raw and hard to watch. She insists he's in so much pain, but how much of that is her projecting on to him because she's dead? Is she the reason I don't feel like we have enough time? I don't want to say she might do something that makes Ethan join her, but that wouldn't be the first time I've come across a ghost try that either.
"I've never seen pain like what she's in before," Jesse muttered, seeming to echo my thoughts.
I took the opportunity to study him, trace my eyes over the contours of his face, across his dark wavy hair. To admire the strength to his arms, the twitching of his muscles as he tightened and loosened his grip on the steering wheel. I wanted to memorize what he looked like, imprint it on my memory with a branding iron so I'd never forget. I couldn't look away, I didn't even care if it freaked him out, since first seeing him all I've felt is like someone has thrown a bucket of ice water over me and I can't shake the shocked feeling. Does he struggle with that as much as me?
When he glanced at me, the corners of his mouth turned up a little, my eyes were drawn to the scar through his dark eyebrow. "How did you get that?" I asked, my hand almost rising to move a finger across it. Minimal contact with Jesse is best for now.
He raised a hand to automatically feel for the scar before dropping it. "It's a birth mark, I was born with it," he answered, shrugging like it wasn't a big deal. But it was important to me and I don't know why.
Vaguely satisfied I turned back around to relax back into my seat again, resisting the urge to look at him. Something about being around Jesse automatically puts me at ease. We didn't drive for too much longer before he pulled up to the curb in front of a two story house in a quiet neighborhood. We both peered through the window trying to see signs of movement, but it all looked quiet and empty.
I followed Jesse up the uneven pathway looking around us when my spidey senses started tingling. Maybe Anna was nearby watching us and that was what I could feel.
Jesse wrapped his knuckles against the solid door a few times and we waited to hear sounds of someone approaching but after a while there wasn't anything. We looked at each other, a silent conversation seeming to pass between us about what to do next. But then the door swung open revealing no one from the other side. Guessing Anna was flexing her ghostly powers I stepped into the small foyer of the house, listening out for the sounds of anyone.
"Ethan's here alone, he's upstairs in his room," Anna quivered, appearing before us. "I'll take you."
The feel of Jesse's hand on my back lightly encouraging me to follow the small emotional ghost up the stairs got my feet moving. I resisted turning around to see him follow me and just let her lead us to her boyfriend. I knocked on his closed bedroom door lightly, not about to barge into a teenage boys room, especially one who thought he was alone in the house. "Ethan, are you there?" I called out, knocking again.
I heard shuffling from behind the door and stepped back to stand beside Jesse, closer than before.
When the door opened though I wasn't expecting what I saw. OK, so I don't really know what I was expecting, but I guess this wasn't it. If I could have taken what clearly used to be an athletic, tall broad guy and zap all the life and energy out of him, then Ethan would have been the result. He looked worse than any person I've come across grieving in my time as a mediator. And that's saying a lot. I sucked in a breath recoiling back a little from him. Jesse automatically grabbed my hand, steadying me and I sucked in a breath for a whole different reason. But I still couldn't pull my eyes away from the boy in front of me. He looked so - so deathly.
His cheeks were grey and gaunt, stubble making him look so much older than he is. His hair hung limp and scraggly in his eyes, the clothes hanging off his frame. I thought I had dark circles under my eyes, they were nothing compared to this guys. But it was his eyes that made me want to look away; they were devoid of anything, no emotion, no spark. If Anna was the verbal apparition of pain with her tears, then Ethan was the physical embodiment of it.
I took back everything I thought in the car because this . . . this was more and I was so unprepared for it.
How does anyone survive the kind of agony I could see in his eyes?
"Ethan?" Jesse asked him quietly, snapping me out of my horror. "Hello, I'm Jesse and this is Susannah. We're friends of Anna's," The mention of her name seemed to get a reaction out of him, his eyes widened a little, a spark of something coming to them. He still continued to look between us, totally unfazed by the fact he had two strangers in his house. "Why don't we go downstairs and talk?" Jesse suggested. He said it in a way that wasn't forceful, but made you want to go along with it any-way, like you didn't even have to question it.
Ethan shrugged his broad shoulder. "Sure," he rasped, stepping out of his room and leading the way. Anna stuck by his side the whole time, watching him with tears in her eyes. "He's hurting so much. I've always been able to feel him, even if we weren't close. But now I'm . . . now I'm dead it's a hundred times worse." she whispered.
I had to look away from both of them, the way she was looking at him with so much love, compassion and fear I could feel my throat closing at the unfamiliar feeling of tears. Does Paul look at me like that? I hope not, I shuddered. I don't want to be stared at like that, not from him.
When we got to his modest open plan kitchen I took a seat at the island with Ethan while Jesse got us all a drink, as though it's nothing to just help your-self to someone's stuff. I couldn't help but watch him, the way he moved so confident and comfortable in his own skin; so in charge of the space around him. It made me relax having him there, seeing him push the glass of water across the counter to Ethan before sitting down next to me.
"You said you were friends of Anna's?" he rasped again, raising his eyes to watch us. If I looked really closely, enough that I didn't want to shrink away from him, I could see that there's still some life left in him. Somehow we just needed to reach out to him and find a way of pulling him back. "How did you know her? I've never seen you both before."
"Just from around," I lamely answered. Anna hadn't taken her eyes from him, but he shivered when she laid a hand over his.
He nodded as though that answer was enough.
"Ethan," Jesse started, leaning forward so his bare forearms were leaning against the counter. I tried not to look at them and focused on Ethan instead – though they stayed in my peripheral vision the whole time. "You know Anna wouldn't want to see you like this," That made tears silently roll down her face as she watched her boyfriend not say a word. "She would want to see you heal and remember her, not suffer like you are."
His eyes moved from Jesse to me and back again. "I must've heard something like that every day since the accident," he started, no emotion to his voice at all.
"Are you two together?" he asked, barely flicking a hand between Jesse and me. We looked at each other in surprise, our eyes locked in a hold I was powerless to break out of. Who am I kidding; I didn't want to look away! I wanted to stay there looking into his dark eyes and imagine myself as his girlfriend. Imagine what it would be like to be loved by him, kissed, and taken care of. I've never wanted that before, I've never wanted someone to just give me a hug, stroke my hair or look at me the way Anna looked at Ethan. But now, looking into his eyes after we were asked if we're together ignited something I never knew I wanted before.
Jesse broke our connection first; his eyes flickering away once before settling back on me for another quick glance. Eventually he turned back to Ethan who'd been watching us and shook his head, not saying anything else. After what he probably just saw I wasn't surprised when he gave me us a, 'You're bullshitting me, right?' look.
"Huh," he just said in-stead. "Well have you ever been in love?" I opened my mouth to say yes, Paul coming to mind. But then I closed it because that was wrong, I'm not in love with Paul, not even close. I glanced at Jesse because I just couldn't help myself, but he wasn't looking back.
Jesse other than tensing up at the question shook his head and relief selfishly flooded through me.
"Then you don't understand and you never will." Ethan simply said, pushing his glass away from him.
"Explain it to us," Jesse requested, his shoulders relaxing again.
This time the look we were given wasn't one that said how stupid we were for even asking, but was filled with something that made me quickly wonder if I'm as fearless as I thought I was, because I was suddenly terrified at what he was going to say. I wanted to get up and leave the guys to talk, but I had that heavy chain around my neck feeling again and I couldn't move. I had the most overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to like what he was about to say. I wanted to look away from his torment. With my heart starting to race as I realized with a bolt of clarity that maybe there's a chance we might not be able to help him at all. How are we supposed to make this better?
What he said next just proved that.
"Anna is - Anna was my everything. My best friend, my other half, the person I was supposed to grow old with. The girl I had planned a life with in every detail you could think of. The one I'm supposed to love in every life I have. When I wasn't with her I missed her, like it physically hurt me to be apart from her. When we were together I felt like I could breathe again because she was my lifeline. We knew what each other was thinking without saying anything. She cried, I cried with her. She laughed and I did too. There was nothing, nothing I wouldn't have done for her. I would have torn the world apart if someone hurt her in anyway.
When I woke up and they told me she was gone, that all of that was never going to be again I - I was broken. I am nothing without her. What is my life now without her in it? How am I supposed to wake up every day knowing I won't get to see her face again, won't get to hear her laugh or hold her again. You want to know what Hell is like? This is it. It's the seconds after I've woken up and I suddenly remember it all again. It's seeing her imprint everywhere, in everything and not being able to touch her, to see her.
It's being terrified that with every day she's gone my memory won't be enough.
It hurts to breathe, it hurts to live. I'd feel less pain if someone slowly ripped my heart from my chest. The agony of not having her here - there aren't enough words to describe it. I'm nothing without her, I'm dead. There is nothing left. So please, go ahead and tell me she'd want me to go on. You think I don't know that? Do you think that suddenly takes all of this away from me? Lose the person you know you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with, the person you were destined to be with for forever and then come back and tell me I need to heal."
No one said another word as Ethan pushed away from the kitchen island and walked out of the room, his shoulders so slumped it was a wonder he wasn't just flat on the floor under the weight of them. Even Anna just sat in silent misery. I couldn't bear to follow him with my eyes once he left, I just stood up from my own stool, the sound scraping across the tiled floor as I rushed out of the kitchen and through the front door. I didn't stop running until I got to Jesse's car, my hands braced on the roof to steady me.
What the hell just happened in there?
"Susannah," I heard Jesse call from behind me, but I couldn't turn around to look at him. "Susannah," I heard him say again before he gently took my shaking shoulders in his hands and turned me towards him. I still didn't look up but let him pull me close and wrap his arms around me.
I've hugged before, usually only my mom by choice, most other people know not to bother trying it with me. Sometimes I offer an awkward comforting pat on the back. But with Jesse I just fell against him. I leaned on that hard chest of his and closed my eyes, trying to erase what Ethan said. His arms were so strong around me, holding me impossibly close. I could feel his heartbeat under my cheek. Hearing it just made the stinging behind my eyes even sharper so I squeezed them tighter, trying hard to not lose it anymore than I already had.
I just wanted to hide there for as long as I could.
"Susannah," Jesse soothed, his hand rubbing up and down my back, easing the tension out of me. I reluctantly pulled away enough to look up at him, blinking past the blurriness to my eyes. "You're crying," he frowned, the concern in his raspy voice sharp. His hand cupped my cheek while his thumb wiped a tear away.
"No I'm not," I instantly denied, letting him go and scrubbing at my cheeks with my palms. When I pulled my hand away he was right, they were wet. "I never cry," I said in disbelief, staring at the shaking of my hands. But it's just everything Ethan said, what he described . . . it sounded just like how I feel when I wake from my nightmare; the complete and total pain of a lost love.
How are we supposed to help him when we can barely keep it together ourselves?
"It's OK, that was very traumatic for both of us," Jesse staggered, running a hand through his hair in a way that made my chest hurt with familiarity. "I think I underestimated him, I wasn't expecting this to be so difficult."
"Neither of us did," I tried to reassure him, though I'm clearly the lousiest person at doing that. "He loved her so much." I looked back to the house feeling like a failure of a mediator. How many times has Anna asked for our help when at the first hurdle we fail epically?
Jesse looked at me sadly like an open book, his face hiding nothing of how difficult he just found the whole Ethan experience. I was expecting Anna to be there on the side-walk with us, shouting and raving about not helping him. But looking at Jesse I could tell neither of us knew what to do next.
"Come on," he muttered, opening my door for me again so I could climb in. I did it on auto-pilot, not feeling as relaxed and secure as I was before. I asked where we were going when Jesse started the car and turned in the opposite direction to where we came from. "Somewhere to make us feel better." he told me. I didn't think that was possible or to question him beyond that. Instead I thought about how amazing it felt to be held by him, how perfect it was, despite what had just happened and how much of a crappy a girlfriend I am.
Suddenly all I wanted was to climb in to bed and sleep for years. How can my life change so much in just two days?
Glancing at Jesse though, I had my answer.
