A/N: I am so sorry for the terribly long absence since I updated this story. I can't even believe it's been so long. Believe me, if you're still here reading this, I had no intention of leaving it so long and it's never been far from my thoughts. That being said, a LOT has changed since I did update it. I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl who turns 3 in October. I've reached 6 years of being married to my infuriating and funny husband. But worst of all, my best friend, the guiding light to my life, my mum passed away Christmas Day last year. And I. Am. Struggling. It's the hardest thing I have ever been through and right now writing is one of the only things to help me. With that being said if you are coming back to read this, then thank you! I will finish this because I love it too much to abandon. Thank you. x
'Something about you made me feel a little more alive and far less lost.' - Unknown
Chapter Six
I zoned out while Jesse drove, replaying Ethan's words over and over in my mind in some kind of sick twisted self torture method. Jesse didn't say anything to me, but I could see how tense he was by the whiteness of his knuckles clutching the steering wheel. I went from watching those to the scenery flying past me. I didn't recognise where we were, I didn't question that I was in a car with a guy I definitely didn't know enough about, going somewhere I didn't recognise. I just got out of the car when it stopped and silently followed Jesse down a hidden path towards the sounds of the ocean.
I almost walked into Jesse's broad back when he stopped suddenly. I resisted placing a hand on him and stepped beside him.
I gasped.
There isn't much that takes my breath away, but this view was one of them. We stood on some kind of overlook surrounded by large thick trees, the view in front of us was just ocean that stretched on for forever. The sun made it look like diamonds were littering the surface, twinkling a thousand different colours as the waves rolled. I couldn't hear the traffic from the road, all I could see and smell was the water way, way down below us.
Jesse moved to sit on a thick log near the front of the overlook, his invitation clear as I quickly joined him. I sat closer than was probably right, but I didn't care. I could blame it on being shaken from our ruined meeting with Ethan. The pain he was feeling, the strength of his conviction enough to try and terrify me. How must it feel to love someone that strongly? To be loved back that much? Yes, it would be the perfect excuse to use. But it wasn't the right one. The fact was, I just wanted to be close to Jesse, to bask in his presence for as long as possible.
We didn't say a word to each other, but I was hyper aware of every breath he took. I could feel the heat pouring off of him, warming the whole side of my body. I was looking out at the stunning view of the ocean, but not really taking it in. All I wanted to do was reach out and take his hand. Rest my head on his shoulder and melt against him. My hands almost shook with the effort to not close the small gap between us and just make skin to skin contact with him. Just the lightest touch was all I wanted. His hug felt . . . It felt amazing.
Would he accept it though? Would he give something back?
Should I care?
My head was a mess of thoughts and emotions I'm not used to feeling that I let out a huge sigh before I could help it. At what point did I become this - this - conflicted? Emotional? Hormonal? God, everything seemed so much easier before when the world was half coloured. When I didn't feel or care about anything or anyone. Now I feel everything and it's exhausting. I felt like I could just close my eyes and sleep for days.
"It's been a long afternoon," Jesse murmured, answering my heavy sigh.
I nodded, my stare not moving from watching the waves far out in front of us. I could see why he would pick this spot to escape to. It didn't look like many people knew it existed. There wasn't any evidence of humans coming through here at all. I wondered if he'd brought anyone else here before me. Previous girlfriends? Current girlfriend? I don't even know if he is single and I'm fawning over him in my head like he is. Like I am. But I dismissed the idea of that pretty quickly. He doesn't seem the type of guy to do that to a girl. I don't know how I knew, just that I did.
"What are we going to do?" I asked aloud, as much to myself as to Jesse. I didn't bother to question why I was so comfortable with suddenly having someone to play Mediator with. Father D has helped a little in the past. Even Jack as a means to an end. Never with Paul, that's just not an option. But I couldn't imagine trying to help Anna without Jesse. I know she persisted we both help, but - this is different.
I don't know how or why, it just is.
Jesse ran a hand through his hair in obvious frustration before he turned to look at me. He held my gaze for the longest time. Not that I was complaining, I could have lost myself to those deep brown eyes all day long. "I don't know - yet. But we'll find a way to help him, Susannah. We will." He had conviction to his words, a positivity he's obviously used to trying to keep up. But I could hear the uncertainty and I didn't blame him. We were both out of our depth with this one. I've never had to save a person from themselves before. Had Jesse?
We were still looking at each other, neither willing to look away first. I shouldn't have done it, I know I shouldn't. But I reached out and laid a hand on his arm anyway. The sense of relief I felt raced through me so strong I almost shook. There was something about the warmth coming through his clothes seeping into my hand. Something about the very real, strong sensation of his arm beneath my hand that felt like something just - clicked. He felt something too, I could see it in the flash of recognition in his eyes. I'm not stupid, I know there's something mutual there. But being this close, without interruption, just made it more tangible for me.
Then I took my hand away. Because as much as I was deadly curious about this high sense of familiarity, relief and emotion that's come along with meeting Jesse, I'm not a total bitch. I do still have a boyfriend I'm not in love with. I wouldn't pull Jesse into that drama no matter how much I wanted more contact with him.
"I've got a friend," I started, shaking off my mental fog. "Actually he's my principal, but he's a Mediator too. I'll talk to him, see if he can talk to Ethan too. He's a priest, maybe he can get through to him in a way we can't. I don't feel like times on our side for this."
"Me too," Jesse sighed, his shoulders tensing under the weight. My fingers tingled to touch them, see if they'd relax under my touch. He looked out at the ocean as he stood up to his full impressive height. "I should take you home." He held out a hand to help me to my feet. I didn't refuse it of course. I wanted to tell him I could stay as long as needed. But he was right, Andy would have a fit if I'm late for dinner and maybe we should have some distance from each other. Maybe.
Jesse squeezed my hand gently once I got to my feet. But he let it go straight away. I curled my hand into a fist as i followed behind him back to his car, picking my way through the undergrowth. We made light talk in the car on the way home, mostly me throwing questions at him about what he's studying, what his favourite ice-cream is. It didn't surprise me at all when he said he was studying to become a doctor in the hopes to get into med school next year. He lit up when he spoke about it, which just made me turn in my seat and watch him talk while he drove. I ignored the way my heart beat heavily when he said about moving to New York next year for med school, pushing it way down. For now I was just enjoying his time.
David was sitting on the porch steps to the house when we pulled up. Jesse admired my house through the window to his car, curiosity written all over his face.
"It was a boarding house back in the 1800's," I told him, feeling for once a little pride in our old home. "My step-dad even framed an old bullet hole for prosperity sake." Jesse chuckled at that, but he didn't take his eyes off the house. Maybe he'd seen a photo of it at the Historical Society, back in the old days. I made a mental note to get him to show me, once all this twisted business with Ethan and Anna has a happy ending. "Thanks for the ride. I'll let you know what Father Dom says."
Jesse turned to me and smiled in a way that would've left me a gooey pudding in his passenger seat if I was any weaker. "Take care of yourself, Susannah."
I couldn't do anything but give him a shaky nod as I fumbled for the door handle and got out of the car. I tried not to think about putting every foot in front of the other as I walked up to a waiting Doc, but I could feel Jesse's eyes burning into my back the whole way. "Who's that?" Doc asked as I turned to wave to Jesse. He waved back to us both and moved off. I looked at my red headed little step brother and resisted tasseling his curly hair. "I haven't seen him before." He looked like he was trying to figure something out in his super brain.
"He's a friend," I said, moving past him to go into the house. He raced after me but didn't push the question any further.
I made it through the usual Ackerman/Simon dinner which involved generic questions about school, homework, weekend plans. The clear up and enough digs from Dopey that ended up with him being slugged in the kitchen by me that left Sleepy rolling his eyes at him again. About the only thing I did see him do all dinner other than stuff his face like he was starved. I fielded questions from mom about running for school council again and escaped to my room with the promise of homework to get her off my back. "You're such a good girl, Suzie." she'd said to me, grabbing me in for a quick hug before I could get too far.
I threw my school bag on the bed and went straight to the window seat when I got to my room, my favourite part of the whole room. Which says a lot considering I have an en-suite. I pulled out my phone and dialled Gina's number as fast as I could. She answered on the second ring, thank God.
"Simon!" she chimed, sounding like she was taking a drag on a cigarette. "I was going to call you. I feel like you need me."
I laughed without humor. "Always," I started, before trailing off. Now I had Gina on the phone I didn't know what to say. How could I tell her about Jesse without giving some background to how I met him? It's not like I've called her just to talk about my dates before, Paul is my first boyfriend and we got through that girly moment about him pretty quick due to my obvious lack of interest in him. Something Gina wasn't stupid about. And she knows more about my curse than most, though not the whole thing because I've never told her the full truth.
"Suze? You there?" she prodded me, her carefree tone less carefree now.
"Yeah, I'm here," I reassured her, sighing again. I laid back on my window seat and zoned out listening to what she was telling me, but not really taking it in. She told me the latest high school gossip, what she wanted to do next time she came to Carmel that she was saving her babysitting money up for. She told me about her new string of interests, but not once could I tell her the exact names of them or specific details of what she talked about. Eventually though she got tired of filling the phone call with her old news and went quiet.
Still being half checked out of the conversation as memories of my afternoon with Jesse floated through my mind, I mumbled to Gina, "I've met a guy . . ."
Her silence was like a breach to my dam as it poured out of me. How I'd met this guy who seemed eerily familiar to me on a school trip to a museum. That he was helping me with something and I'd spent the whole afternoon with him, going to some secret spot. That I have no idea if he's single, that he wants to be a doctor and move to New York for a med school there. Most of all though, I spewed my verbal guts up about all the emotions suddenly suffocating me. How overwhelmed I feel about everything, like I've suddenly woken up. Gina's one of the only - if not the only - people who's always taken my detached emotionless personality and not been freaked or put off by it.
Then I shut up and realised I had just told her everything, apart from the ghosts bit.
Her silence was unnerving.
Then I heard her take a breath before she said, "How's Paul?"
I took the phone away from my ear and just stared at it. Had she missed everything I'd just said to her? "He's fine, why?"
"Because Suze, I just heard you talk more about this guy Jesse, who you've known for five seconds, than I've ever heard you speak about the guy you love." Gina pointed out.
"I never said I love, Paul." I snapped instantly, my defences up and ready to attack. The thought of me being in love with Paul, the very idea of it was like acid running through my veins, my whole body on fire. I might not be totally here, but I'm aware enough of that. And if he thinks I love him then he lives in a dream world too. He's been a fun distraction, sure. But that's as far as it's always gone for me.
Gina was silent again and I felt like growling in frustration.
"You're right," she answered carefully. Warily. "You haven't."
Blowing out a breath of pent up anger, annoyance and all the other icky emotions clinging to me, I sank back down on the window seat, exhaustion making my body feel heavy and achy. I'd rather go toe to toe with Heather again then feel all of this right now. "I've gotta go, I'll call you tomorrow." I told her, our conversation as dead as the ghost lingering in the corner of my room, her tear streaked face watching me.
"Suze!" Gina quickly called to me before I could hang up. "Be careful, 'K?"
Why does everyone keep saying that to me recently? "Always," I replied before flipping my phone shut and turning my full, tired attention to Anna trying to become one with the corner wall in despair. Speaking of suffocating in emotion, the poor girl looked positively ravaged by her turmoil over Ethan. It made my stomach twist uncomfortably, especially now I've met Ethan myself and can see that it's not one sided at all. "Anna, we're - "
"Please help him," she whispered. It sent chills down my spine hearing her voice so soft but so full of pain. "Please, stop him." she mourned one more time before she disappeared in a blink of the eye.
"I'm trying." I muttered back to where she'd been standing. Turning on my seat I stared out of the window and into the late afternoon light, taking in the spectacular and familiar view. Confused, conflicted and screwed.
