A/N: Why is there no Toji fic in the english section? (by the time i posted this, so far). Also heads up, this is a kinda character-study self-indulgent fic in which i slipped some (?) of my favorite narration into it a bit. I would be very happy if someone notices the references i put in a certain paragraph! Contain spoilers from the manga.
Enjoy!
I'm sorry, Megumi.
"Papa."
Papa. He calls me Papa.
"Hm?"
"Papa will always stay with Megumi, right?"
I'm sorry.
"..."
"Papa?"
Megumi.
"I will stay with Megumi now, so sleep well, yeah?"
Only for now.
"That's a promise, okay?"
"Mhm, I will stay with you now."
And leave later. Toji adds mentally. With one weak, sheepish smile, he gazes tenderly at the lying kid and in just a span of few minutes, the kid's already shutting his lids peacefully. Tiny hand clutching onto Toji's jacket sleeve tightly; clenching as if his life depends on it.
He shall not have his resolve shaken. No more than this. Toji convinces himself.
At the very moment, the rough hand of the cold-blooded killer reaches out slowly, to gently caresses the little boy's hair with the care that of a loving Father. Facial muscle loosening, eyelashes fluttering down as he keenly lays his gaze upon the boy sleeping soundly; his breathing steady.
He was, no- he will always be a Father when it comes to the undisturbedly-sleeping kid coming from his own flesh and blood. Appearing upon his existence on the dark, hopeless pit of despair, and shining him with the ray of being alive to his entirety. The highlight of his lowlife.
No matter what, the light must be kept safe. He will not be selfish; better not keeping it in his embrace and drag it down along his pitiful life, the boy has a much more promising future ahead with the blessing bestowed upon him.
Those scoundrel's place, yes.
That place which curses those who are free from the curse, where every second passing by, for as long as Toji remembers, is only filled with rejection and sense of alienation towards him. Something he just simply pushed thoroughly to the back of his mind, so that he could carry on with life. Awfully sickening, every last of it. To have developed such kind of thought is something he decided upon himself. It is his belief.
It was not particularly an interesting episode. He was born into a rather fortunate place, afterall- no, a remarkably respected clan, even. Spacious rooms to stay, financial stability, high-status renowned among the society- it was almost if he had everything necessary for a decent life. An almost-perfect everyday which wouldn't possibly bother with trivial thoughts such as what meal should be eaten for tomorrow.
Almost.
But he wasn't born with cursed energy, like the people around him did.
The obvious scornful gazes, people's discreet cynical murmur, the pitiful sobbing of his mother he-can't-no-longer-remember-the-face-of let every night; crying out her regret on failing to carry a child to be properly feel proud of and place hope on. It made Toji wonders if his mom, since the day he was born, has she ever felt even the tiniest bit of happiness upon seeing him? And not to mention his father, who amongst all, showed his disgust openly and muttered with spite every time Toji merely took a breath around his space. Things which were gut-wrenchingly shocking when he understood nothing, but eventually fell numb as he got used and learnt that it was just how the world around him works. It's not that interesting, really, he thought to himself every day. It was simply how vulgar the world is.
However,
It just made him became completely distrustful of love.
He is never coming back to that place, ever.
The place is useless for someone like him, but for Megumi... someone with potential, it will be a little... better.
He shall not have his resolve shaken. No more than this. Toji convinces himself as his hand reaches for the door knob, and that is when he momentarily halts. Gazing down at his hand, it quivers. It's unexpected; he is quite surprised himself.
The pure warmth from Megumi's hand lingers under his skin. Toji's eyes darken at the painfully longing sensation circling his wrist. Badly trying to resist the urge to glance at the figure of his sleeping child.
No, Toji. No. Not like this. His forehead scrunches up along with the feeling of his heart sinking down, while the glimpses of his son's serene sleeping face barges into his mind like a hurricane. The boy is in peace, believing Toji will always be beside him just as the man had promised, and when his grip on Toji's sleeve suddenly loosened, the kid would uncomfortably clench his tiny palms and curled his lips. The mere thought triggers the urge to hurl thickening up in his throat, stomach curling as it added up the unsettling feeling, which tied down his feet from moving a single bit from his place. The feeling of Megumi's tiny hand reaching and pulling on his sleeve in vain, looking up at him with an innocence plead and begging him to stay is ultimately the final blow that forces his eyes to be shut tight. The man bites his lips rashly, hard enough to let him taste blood.
He should not be shaken. He will not be shaken. Toji convinces himself once more.
This is for Megumi, too. The man slowly opens his lids, his abdomen tensing up as let the chills spread all over him once again. Feeling in the painful longing sensation he is yet to discard once more, before taking in a deep breath to regain a grip of himself. His eyes darken again, not in the same way he did a moment ago, as he reaches for the knob and turns, opening the door. Towards the path where he believes Megumi could live better in, with the blessings the kid has within him. Megumi deserves better, he thinks, placing both of his hands in each of his pocket not to warm himself from the cold wind outside, but because he is eager to make Megumi's better future a reality.
Hey, scoundrels,
take care of Megumi, okay?
The door behind him closes.
This was written as i was contemplating on what's going in Toji's head before he went and made a deal with Naobito Zenin to sell off Megumi. Review and favorites are appreciated!
