Lucy hates beards, she says they're scruffy and the one time I tried to grow one, her face broke out in a rash. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. My suit lays as lifeless as me over the chair, where I left it two weeks ago. I need to get up. I know I do… my grievance days were up a week ago at work but I can't care. I can't move.
The knock comes at the same, time as always.
"Good afternoon, honey." Grandma closes the door behind her and opens the curtains, the ones Lucy picked up from the thrift store.
"Come on, Natsu." She pushes my legs off the couch and opens up a lunch bag. Vegetable soup today. She says I need more vegetables. She says I'm depressed.
"Thanks grandma." I'm not depressed, I just don't know how to live anymore.
"How are you feeling today?" She asks pushing my hair off my forehead. "Trying the beard again?" She smiles but her eyes are missing something too.
"Lucy isn't here," I clear my throat "she sings to me while I shave and she can't so…" I shrug and force myself to take another bite. Grandma is a fantastic cook, but this doesn't taste like anything.
"well…" grandma struggles to find something to say but what is there to say? what do you say to someone who lost their soul?
"I could sing to you while you shave." She suggests.
"I don't think that'll be the same." I force another bite down while she watches me.
"I know it won't be the same but at least you won't be alone." She smiles at me, her hand resting on my back and for the first time in a really long time, mom's passing hits me. My chest is hollow, my body doesn't want to move but the look in grandma's eyes, so ready to help. It reminds me a bit of Lucy and find myself moving.
"Okay." I stand up and head back to the bathroom.
The water runs into the sink in the same way it always does, the bathroom is the same as it always is, Lucy's toothbrush sits in the cup holder, she wrapped a piece of floss around it, I don't know why though, she does it to every toothbrush she gets.
"what does she usually sing to you?" grandma asks. I smear the cream over my face.
"I don't know the names, she just starts singing" I uncap my razor "love songs, usually."
"Okay." Grandma's smile is only halfhearted, I don't think anyone knows how to live without Lucy. I don't think the world knows how to keep going without Lucy.
I bring the razor to my face as grandma starts to sing. Grandma actually has an amazing voice, hers and Lucy's voices are completely different and grandma used to sing to me when I was young. None of that matters when it hits me. I shake my head and drop the razor.
"I can't." My knees collapse and I'm on the ground. standing never felt so hard before. Breathing didn't used to take so much effort.
"Natsu…" she sighs and sits beside me on the ground. she pulls me into her arms. I hold onto her but this doesn't feel better.
I loved her hugs.
The table is different. All the chairs are filled but it feels empty. Lucy would be sitting next to me, grandma is sitting there. I think she's afraid for me. I'd be afraid for me too if I could feel.
The food is tasteless and sits in my stomach like a sack of pebbles. No one really bothers me after the first few attempts fell flat. My cousins look at me with their big sad eyes and that gets me the most. I go up to my room.
Standing in the door way, my heart sinks into my stomach and my stomach doesn't like it. I stare at the bed we had slept in just after our wedding. I should have married her sooner I sit there in the doorway and lean my head against the door frame. I loved being her husband I stare into the room. A perfectly preserved shrine of me before I went off on my own. Before I met Lucy. How could I have ever been happy before Lucy?
I can hear them all downstairs, the part a little quieter, a little less alive because Lucy makes everything alive. She is my sun and my earth and my gravity and my soul. I'm convinced I never had my own soul, she had it with her and when we met were whole and now I'm not while, now I'm just a shell.
A creak from the top stair brings me out of my thoughts but I don't look at it. Aiden sits beside me, his mom got him into the same suit he wore to my wedding.
"why are you staring at your room?" he asks me.
"The last time I slept in here I had Lucy." I tell him "I don't want to ruin the memory by going in without her."
"Oh…" Aiden's eyes trail around my room before he sighs and folds himself forward. He rests his head on his hands and his knees on the floor. "I miss, Lucy."
I look at him, almost startled by the words. I know everyone misses her, it's obvious but no one says it, especially not to me. I watch Aiden for a second before resting my hand on his back and turning back to the room.
"Me too."
Sleeping is the best solution for me because when I go to sleep, when I dream, I see Lucy. I keep having the same dream. Lucy and I in Paris and she's eating a croissant and drinking tea and she's smiling at me. It's perfect again, we're together and I have my soul back. Waking up is the hard part because I have to face the world without Lucy.
She says mornings are good because it means you get another day, what if I don't want another day without her?
I don't want another day without her.
I loved how she said good morning to me every morning
Dear Juvia,
Do you remember when we met? Do you remember how loud ad happy and full of life you were compared to me? I do. You almost scared me away but I saw you there, I saw who you really were behind the excitement and I knew I wanted you to be my best friend. I had to leave my other ones behind because I didn't want my mom or brother to be able to find me. Anyway, that wasn't the point here's where I'm getting to. Do you remember when we just drove to[GM1] Florida and we hung out on the beach and played in the water and nothing else mattered because it was fun and we were adults and we didn't have to leave, we didn't have to answer to anyone and we were free, I was free.
This is kind of like that. I'm really sorry I never told you. You're my best friend and I let you think we were going to grow old together. I mean there's a chance we can, but I'm a time bomb and I just don't want you to treat me any differently. Juvia, you are the kindest person I know and you would have given up things that turned out to be the best experiences of your life had you known.
I just don't want to be the thing that holds you back. I want to be your friend, not a chain. The way everything is right now, that's what makes me smile and it's what makes me happy because it's real and it's us and no one is worried about time being wasted, we're just enjoying the time we have right now and I love that. I love it so much and I love you so much, Juvia. There is so much I want to do with you and Grey and Natsu and because my timer is ticking away I don't know if we can. Please don't be sad for me. Don't shy away from life because I'm not there anymore to share it. Live it for me. Laugh all the laughs I can't laugh anymore and cry at all the movies I can't see with you and buy those cute pair of shoes and rock them because you are beautiful and you are so smart and Grey is so lucky to have you.
I don't have any huge elaborate goodbye but I want you to do one thing for me, Juvia. Live for me. live the life we both always want and just remember that I will always be here with you. Even if you can't see me or feel me, I am there.
So live, everyday.
Just live.
With all of my love,
Lucy Mae Dragneel
Author's Note:
This is so close to being finished, it has been a ride. thank you so much for the comments and i am literally begging you to leave a review on this book please please please.
IG nunchigoya
