Hey guys. I hope everyone is well! I'm sorry it's been a while since my last upload, and I apologise in advance for this short chapter, but I have been super busy with work and haven't had much time to write. I'm hoping to get ahead with the next chapter and get it up for you as soon as possible! Keep me posted with your thoughts :)
They're looking at each other a moment later, both searching for something to say, both secretly willing the other to speak first. It's Donna who speaks first, she feels tired and on edge and like she had broken an unwritten rule she had for herself.
"I actually told myself I wouldn't let this happen" she says quietly, eyes darting from Harvey to the fire in front of them.
He's puzzled, and his eyebrows furrow slightly, and she recognises he doesn't know what she means, so she continues.
"I told myself I wouldn't allow myself to be in a situation this weekend where it would just be the two of us, alone" she pulls the blanket tighter around her frame, hoping it would provide a level of comfort, some sort of protection from what could happen next.
He feels a sadness wash over him briefly. He won't deny to himself that it hurts to hear that she doesn't want to spend time with him alone. It was something they used to do a lot, something they used to really enjoy. It's now that he thinks about how much things had changed since that kiss, and the more he thought about it, the more he blamed himself. Had he just accepted her apology and moved on, had he not yelled at her and treat her so badly, then things could have been different. Things could have been normal. But he had to admit, they had been getting along today, he hadn't imagined that, had he?
"I.. Urm, I thought we were doing alright today, we seemed to be on good terms" he mumbles. He's nervous. She can tell.
Donna shakes her head lightly. "Yeah, I don't know where that came from, if I'm being honest. Do you?" She cringes slightly as she sees him wince. She didn't mean for that to sound so passive aggressive. She had meant that it was strange for them to suddenly be pretending like things were okay, when clearly, they were not okay. Nothing had been sorted. She took a deep breath and began to re-explain, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I just meant we never even spoke about it so I guess I don't really understand why we were pretending to be friends. I mean not pretending, I wasn't pretending to be your friend, I am your friend, I". Shit, she's nervous too. And now it's him who can tell.
He interjects, saving her from her own words. "It's okay, Donna. I know what you meant"
Donna turns to him then, a small thankful smile tugging at her lips. He hadn't taken his eyes off of her. He had been watching her as she fumbled with the blanket around her, as she stared at the fire and then out at the endless fields, her eyes scanning anything but him, and he was fixated, albeit a little confused, but still unable to tear his eyes away from her. His eyes are soft, she thinks. Maybe now would be the right time to talk things through. She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing's coming out. He's watching her, patiently. He wants to talk things through, but he doesn't want to push her because he knows he hurt her with how he acted, and he knows her. He knows she'll open up when she's ready, and he'll deal with it whether he's ready or not because he owed her that. She's on the verge of speaking, mouth slightly agape and his heart is racing.
She can't do it. "So, I heard you and Paula broke up" she says instead. She's cringing and internally cursing herself. Fuck. Of all the things you could have said instead, it had to be that.
It isn't what he was expecting and his features highlight that, but he replies anyway after clearing his throat, "Yes, we did"
Well you already brought it up, she thinks, may as well follow it through. "What happened?" she asks gently.
Harvey sighs, searching for his beer beside his seat. He takes a drink before fumbling with the label, easy enough to peel away due to the condensation on the bottle. "I ended it. She didn't get me"
"How do you mean?"
"I don't know. It felt like she didn't understand me, you know? Didn't recognise my values, didn't seem to understand what was important to me, and well, she just didn't know me. She knew things about me, but she didn't really know me" he stumbles, managing to express his thoughts eventually.
He turns to her then and she's watching intently. A knowing smile starts to spread on her face and she lets out a light chuckle.
"What's funny?" he asks, slightly embarrassed at his admission but he's smiling.
"Nothing. I guess I just can't believe Harvey Specter finally got in touch with his emotional side" she jokes, but she means it, and he knows it.
"I've always shown my emotions" he tries to defend, he knows it's hopeless and he knows she'll win this battle, but he wants to be in this moment a little longer.
"No" she starts, slightly dragging out the word. "You expressed anger and competitiveness and"
"Alright alright, give me a break" he jokes feigning hurt, before turning to his bottle again and adding more seriously, "no I've grown up a little, I think. I've learned a lot this past year about myself and about, erm, accessing my feelings and stuff. I mean I'm still not great at it don't get me wrong, but it's a good enough start" he says shyly.
She knows he's changed; she was the first to notice him change, even though they haven't been speaking. She wants to know more but it feels too personal for them now, and it didn't feel right to delve deep into such a meaningful conversation when their relationship was still rocky. "That is good, Harvey" is all she says. He nods, and they fall into a silence, but it isn't entirely comfortable. He wanted to give her time to bring it up, the kiss that is, but the avoiding of the subject was bothering him. He wanted them to talk it over. He needed some closure.
"I'm sorry" he says. Donna looks at him with surprise. She wasn't expecting this, not tonight. She thought she'd have to be the one to bring it up and she wasn't sure he was ready to talk about it yet.
"You definitely have changed" she jokes, attempting to delay the conversation they were inevitably about to have.
He smirks. "I mean it" he says.
"Sorry for what?" she asks. She was testing him. She knew he meant for the way he acted, but she wanted to hear him say it, wanted him to show that he knew he had hurt her, as selfish as that was.
"For all of this" he motions between the two of them, "for everything" he adds. "I know I reacted in the worst possible way but I, I was just so shocked, Donna. I know that's no excuse but I'm still learning how to deal with my emotions and with unexpected situations, and so my natural instinct at the time was to go on the defence. The more I think about it now, the more I realise that it was actually me at fault, not you. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lashed out and I'm sorry I blamed you, and more than anything, I am so sorry for the way I spoke to you" he shakes his head "the things I said, I wish I could take them back"
"I forgive you, Harvey. I mean, I'm not entirely without fault, am I? You were right when you said it, I was selfish. I did act purely based on my own needs when I kissed you. So, I'm sorry too. I'm scared though" she says.
"Scared of what?" he asks, a little worried himself about what she might say.
"Scared that we let it go too far, you know? Scared that we won't be able to go back to the way things were" she says. She isn't lying when she says that, but she is deceiving him a little. Donna knows deep down that she isn't scared it won't be the same because they let it go too far, she's scared she won't be able to go back because of her own feelings towards him.
"We can always go back, Donna" he says. He knows he's pleading, almost begging, but he needs her. He wasn't himself without her.
"We need to talk it through properly though, Harvey. Both of us apologising isn't enough. This is far greater than just dismissing the blame. We have never fought like that" she says.
He had hoped that was enough, but he did know deep down that they needed to talk more. "Okay then, let's talk" he replies.
"Now?" she responds, a little shocked.
"Yeah, why not? Let's talk" he repeats himself.
She desperately wants him to go first, she doesn't want to feel like she's forcing him to speak to her about this, so she just nods and waits for him to speak again. He thought about what to say, what to ask. A few things had been on his mind since it happened. He opted for the thing that had been bothering him most. "Why?" he asks. Donna looks unsure about what he's asking her. He clarifies for her. "Why did you kiss me? After all these years, why now?"
The question takes her by surprise. She had wanted him to speak first, but she wasn't expecting him to jump right in with the big questions. She pulls the blanket around her even tighter. She's warm but she's shivering, anxiety riveting through her body. After taking a minute to compose her thoughts, she answers truthfully, "honestly? I needed to know. I know I said that before and you didn't really understand me, so I'll try to explain it a little better. We've been so close for years and obviously people have their assumptions about us and I've never really cared before because well I don't really care what anyone thinks" she pauses then; suddenly aware that she's speaking at a really fast pace. "but I had a conversation with Louis right before I kissed you, and it just put things into a different perspective for me. I needed to know if I felt anything for you, if there was something more that I needed clarifying. I am sorry for the timing, Harvey. I swear I didn't even think about the fact you were in a relationship when I did it" she rambled the entire explanation because she was nervous. She stared at him, hoping he had understood what she had said.
"Right" he says, appearing to be processing what she had said. "That makes sense" he finishes. It's all Harvey can bring himself to say. He doesn't want to ask about the feelings part because he doesn't want to be reminded that she didn't feel anything. It hurts him now, to think about the way Donna had said she didn't feel anything or want more, but he couldn't understand why it bothered him.
"Is that what bothered you the most? That I did it whilst you were seeing someone?" Donna asks then.
"Yeah, I guess so. After I'd gotten home and thought about it a little, I just kept going back to my mother. I felt like a hypocrite" he responds.
"But you didn't do anything Harvey, I kissed you" Donna answers softly, defending his actions and wanting to comfort him.
"Didn't I? Donna, the more I think about it, and I've thought about it a lot" he admits, "the more blurred it becomes in my mind. I can't even be sure anymore that I didn't kiss you back. Did I kiss you back? What if deep down, I needed to know too?" he says truthfully, a little rapidly.
He looks sad, she thinks, and she feels guilty. But what did he mean by that? Harvey had never admitted that before, and that explains why he reacted so badly. She reached for him then, to comfort him, her hand leaving the security of her blanket to touch the top of his arm. She had thought that he kissed her back, but she chooses not to answer, assuming he was just expressing his thoughts, rather than actually asking her a question. She remembers then, how he had yelled that he didn't want more, that he didn't trust her, and tears form at the brim of her hazel eyes. She pushes the memories aside, trying to move on from it.
"At least we both know how we feel now" she says gently. She knows she had lied to him, was still lying to him, but she knew her own feelings deep down. And she knew his. Even if she could find the right words, she didn't want to complicate things by telling him the truth. He would run for the hills and she would lose him completely. It would be easier to pretend that she felt the same as him, she thought. Nothing at all.
Except when he hears her say this, Harvey realises that he doesn't really know how he feels. He knows he felt something, he knows there's more to this for him but he's struggling to come to terms with it still. His mind feels blurry, a mess, inaccessible. "Yeah" he lies, mumbling quietly.
"I, erm, I hope that this had nothing to do with you and Paula breaking up" Donna says. She meant it. She didn't like that he was dating and she was definitely jealous, but she would never intentionally want to negatively impact Harvey's happiness. Harvey recognised the shakiness in her voice instantly, he knew she was feeling guilty.
"I never even told her" he admits. "I know that's wrong but I was so confused and every time I tried to bring it up, we would end up fighting over something else and it just didn't seem right to add to the shit we were already arguing over. We actually broke up because of this weekend trip really. Well I don't think it was just about this weekend, but it was definitely the final straw"
"This weekend?" Donna responds, eyes wide. "Why?"
"She didn't want me to come" he says matter of factly.
"But why? Mike needed you here. They're leaving, did you tell her that?" she asks, slightly gobsmacked that this would even be an issue had he told her the full story.
"Yeah she knew everything. Like I said before, she didn't understand me. She knows my history with my family but still couldn't understand that you guys at the firm are my family too"
"Oh"
"And she wasn't keen on the idea of you and I being here together with just Mike and Rachel" he adds, raising an eyebrow to show he was making light of the situation.
"Should I assume she didn't like me very much?" She asks, humour laced in her tone.
"Probably. But when do any of my love interests like you?" he jokes.
"Scottie liked me, right?" Donna defends, but she's laughing too.
"I mean, I don't know" he smirks.
She swats him on the arm, and he chuckles lightly. They fall into another silence, this one more comfortable than the last and they watch the fire for a few minutes, watching the colours change and the shadows it casts around them.
"I wonder why they don't like me. I don't think I ever gave them a reason to dislike me, did I?" she's being serious and Harvey feels a pang of guilt.
"I don't think they disliked you because of you, Donna. I think they felt threatened because of you and I" he reassures her, soft eyes meeting her hazel ones.
"Threatened?" she asks, looking back towards the fire and she loses herself in her own thoughts. "Why would I be a threat? I never did anything to suggest that I.."
"Donna" he interrupts, speaking in the tone he reserves only for her. She looks up at him instantly, she can't refrain when he says her name like that. "I think they were more threatened by how close we were. How obvious it was that I would always choose you over them. " he says it quickly and can't quite believe he admitted that.
Neither can she.
"What do you mean?" Donna presses. She wasn't settling for these half-assed comments anymore.
"I mean there have been a lot of girls that have asked me to choose between them and you" he admits again. God he was definitely drunk and she was taking advantage slightly. She knows he opens up a little more after a drink.
"I didn't know that" she admits, slightly taken aback. She blushes slightly. How did she not know that? How had she never realised?
"That's a first" he attempts to joke but the tension was thick and surrounding them both entirely.
"Why haven't you told me this before?"
"I didn't need to"
"Why?"
"Because there was never any doubt that I'd choose you"
"It won't always be like that" her sadness is evident when she says this and he understands what is implied. Harvey doesn't know that he won't meet someone he deems worthy enough to put first, before everyone, including Donna.
"Maybe it will" he replies instantly. He was being honest. He really couldn't imagine there would be anyone he would choose over her. They had always been inseparable, connected in a way that no one else could understand. She understood him. She supported him no matter what, and she was always there for him. Harvey looked at her and suddenly his thoughts were clear, his mind organised, his feelings making sense. She was it for him.
Donna, however, was tired of this. Tired of Harvey and his inability to make statements that weren't based on maybes or masking some sort of real feeling. She knew he didn't want more so she doesn't understand why he's making comments that could mislead her and suggest otherwise. She feels a little infuriated actually, agitated and exhausted. What does he even mean? 'Maybe it will'. She doesn't hold back now.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean, Harvey?" she snaps a little, it catches him off guard.
"Donna" he says.
"No, not Donna" she replies "try giving me a real answer for once, Harvey"
"I just meant that it's been that way for so long, maybe there's a reason for it. Maybe it will be like this forever. Maybe it won't work out with anyone because they will always be jealous of the other woman in my life" he says. He puts his face in his hands. Shit. He said that all wrong and he knew it the second the words came out of his mouth, confirmed only by the look of annoyance and exasperation on Donna's face.
"Wow" Donna says dryly, an annoyed chuckle escaping her.
"Donna that's not what I mea.."
"Save it, Harvey. You know what? Maybe" she starts, mimicking his over-use of the word just a moment before as she stands from the sofa, "I don't wanna be the other woman in your life. Maybe I don't wanna be a choice someone has to be forced to make. Maybe, for once, I just want to be someone's only fucking option" she almost yells, a singular tear escaping her left eye as she removes the blanket from around her frame.
"Donna what does that even.." She didn't even want him so why was she saying this? He was confused.
"Goodnight, Harvey" she interrupts him. She knew it would be a bad idea to be alone with him this weekend. Typical Harvey and his inability to really emotionally connect with anyone in a way that matters. She was done, she thought. She wanted to move on now, she was almost sure of it. Maybe tonight was the final straw. She dropped the blanket onto the seat she had previously occupied and walked away without another word and without looking back at him. His eyes followed her. The glow of the moon upon her bare arms and legs as she walked away from him. She was only going inside, going to bed, he would see her in the morning. So why did this feel like more? Why does it feel like he's watching her leave him forever?
With his face in his hands and his elbows placed firmly on his knees, Harvey sighs.
"Shit" he mumbles to himself. You just cannot stop fucking things up, can you? He thought to himself.
