WARNING: The rape will be mentioned in this chapter; nothing too graphic will be included. If this is hard or upsetting for anyone please don't read.

Author's Note: I hope you're all staying safe and healthy! As always thanks for the comments, reviews, favorites, follows, votes, and so much more!

Enjoy!

Song (On Wattpad): The Story by Brandi Carlile

Chapter Nine: I Can't Do This


Sylvie and Sasha stayed in Sylvie's room for a little while longer. They both sat in silence for a couple of minutes before Sasha stood up and told Sylvie that she had to leave and get to the station. Sylvie nodded and told her thank you before she went back to staring out the window. She was so paralyzed with the thought of being pregnant with her rapist's baby, she didn't know what to do. The only thing she knew in this instant was that she needed time alone to think.

Sasha hated to leave Sylvie like this. She had been in Sylvie's shoes and she knew exactly how she was feeling. It was hard. It was hard to go through it, and it was hard to see anyone go through it. Everything hurt and cut very deep when it was fresh from a rape.

Sasha gave Sylvie one last sympathetic look before she opened her bedroom door and walked out. She had to get going so that she could get everything started with the case. Considering the rape happened a few days ago, there was no telling where Owen was now.

"How is she?" Asked Matt as soon as both he and Emily hopped off the couch and went up to meet Sasha after she quietly closed Sylvie's door.

"She's...okay. That was really hard for her, she's going to need a lot of support from you both and everyone she has in her life. I think I got everything I'm going to need from her today."

Emily nodded and was about to step forward and go to Sylvie's room, but Sasha quickly held her hand out and stopped her, "She said she wanted some time alone after I left."

"Is she okay?" Quietly asked Emily before she took a step back and went to stand next to Matt.

"Like I said before she's okay; that was just pretty hard for her. It usually is for all victims when they first report it."

Emily and Matt both flinched at the word victim.

Matt mentally put that word on a list of things he never wanted to hear again before he asked the question he had been dying to know the whole time Sylvie and Sasha were talking. "Umm...so what's next with this Owen guy now that you have Sylvie's statement?"

"Well, to tell you both the truth, it's not as simple as we hope. I have to find him, get his statement, view the evidence, and make sure there's enough of it before I can bring any charges against him. Since she didn't report it the night it happened it makes it a little harder to nail him, but I promise you both that I'm really good at my job."

Emily and Matt both looked at each other and shared a look that only the two of them understood before they followed Sasha to the door and watched her put on her coat.

"Oh, before I forget, here's a card with a recovery group on it. I meant to give it Sylvie earlier but it must have slipped past me. Will the two of you make sure she gets it?"

Matt nodded and took the card from Sasha. "Yeah, we'll give it to her here in a little bit. Thank you, Detective Adams. We really appreciate everything you're doing for Sylvie."

"Anytime." Smiled Sasha, "You two let me know if anything happens or if Sylvie needs anything."

They both nodded and said their goodbyes before Sasha was gone and it was just the two of them standing in the living room not knowing what to do.

"You should go and be with her."

"Sasha said she wanted to be alone. Maybe we should give her a little time." Said Matt as he stuffed the card Sasha gave him in his back pocket.

"Casey, you and I both know Sylvie. Right now she says she wants to be alone, but she really just wants someone to hold her, and...she needs you."

That was all Matt needed to hear. In no time at all, he was standing in front of Sylvie's door and slightly knocking on it after he found it locked.

Sylvie's first instinct when she heard the door handle being jingled was to hide. And, she almost did, but then she remembered that it was probably Matt or Emily coming to check on her. The thought of either of them finding out that she might be pregnant made her sick. She wasn't going to tell them until she knew for certain if she was or wasn't pregnant. There was no sense in making them worry like she was. Right? What would they think of her if they knew?

"Sylvie, it's Matt. Can I please come in?"

Sylvie quickly shook her thoughts away before she slowly got off the bed and walked over to let Matt in.

"Hey, you okay? I know Sasha said that you wanted to be alone, but I just wanted to check on you." Questioned Matt as soon as Sylvie unlocked the door and he slid in.

Sylvie waited until she was sat on the bed again before she answered, "Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks for checking. That was just a lot, you know?"

Matt nods and walks over to sit next to her on the bed.

"Matt, you don't have to stay. I'm sure you've got other things to do today instead of just moping around here with me."

Matt shook his head and cursed the feeling that she was trying to get rid of him, "Nah, I already told you that I'm not going anywhere."

They sat in silence for a couple of uncomfortable minutes before Sylvie stood up from the bed.

"Well, if you're going to stay...would you take a nap with me. I'm sorry, it just...it just seemed that I only get any sleep when you're around."

"I'd love to." Smiled Matt before he watched Sylvie get comfortable in bed and he went to follow her after turning the lights off and taking off his shoes.

Matt stayed with her for the rest of that day and night. They didn't do much of anything but sleep, but that's okay because right now sleep was really one of the only things Sylvie felt comfortable doing.

The next morning after they woke up and got going Sylvie told Matt and Emily that she had to go and get her rape kit done with her doctor. They both offered to drive and go with her, but Sylvie told them that it was something she felt she needed to do by herself. So, they let her. They let her go, but as soon as she got back they were both there for her. Sylvie still hasn't told them about the chance of her being pregnant. She was too afraid to. Even the doctor who drew the blood for Sylvie's hormonal pregnancy test knew how terrified she was. They thought she was going to faint when they told her it was going to be a couple of days before they had the results.

Sylvie was even more anxious after the doctor's visit. Both Matt and Emily could tell. They tried to get her to talk to them, but she seemed more closed off than she was right after "it" happened.

Stella, on the other hand, knew something was wrong with her friends. She had called a couple of times and asked if they wanted to go out for a girls' night or go and get lunch or anything, but Emily had told her every time that Sylvie wasn't feeling the best. Sylvie knew every second after it happened that she would have to tell everyone, she just didn't want to.

The day after Sylvie had her tests done was a Monday, and they all had shift that day. She wanted to call in and spend the day alone in bed, but she knew that whether she was ready for it or not, she had to tell everyone. They would eventually find out now that she's reported it, so why not just get it over with.

Sylvie opened her eyes and immediately cursed the alarm clock that read she only had a few more minutes to lay in bed. She felt like she had hardly gotten any sleep. Every part of her was still bone tired.

She let out a soft kitten-like yawn before she turned over and looked at his side. His side? Since when did the right side of her bed become Matthew Casey's?

Sylvie smiled as she thought about the night before when she had to practically push him out the door. She thought it was sweet that he wanted to stay the night with her again, but since they had a shift it made no sense for him to wake up even earlier than he had to and go to the loft before he went to the firehouse. It would have been way too hard for him before a full twenty-hour shift.

Sylvie shivered and pulled her blanket closer around her as she thought about the dreams she had all night long that kept her from sleeping. It must have been because Matt wasn't there with her, but every time she closed her eyes all she would see was Owen standing there holding a baby. It was a nightmare. Every time it happened she would wake up sweaty and gasping for air.

It terrified her. All of it. The thought of Owen being out there and the thought of possibly being pregnant. It was all so much for her to handle.

Sylvie slightly craned her neck as she reached over and got her phone off of her bedside table. Still no missed calls. She had heard nothing from the doctor. Sylvie honestly didn't know how she was going to make it through shift without going crazy with worry.

She laid in bed staring off into space for a little longer before she suddenly sat up, despite the pain and soreness she was still feeling, and threw the covers off of her. She decided that Owen had already ruined everything else he wasn't going to run her everyday life and job.

It took her about thirty minutes to get ready. She didn't bother putting makeup on her bruises this time. She had to hide so much, why hide those. Right? If someone didn't like them, tough. She was the one who had to deal with them, see them every time she looked in a mirror, and wear them like they were the last winter coat in a blizzard. They were hers and no one else's.

The ride to the firehouse was pretty quiet for Emily and Sylvie. They both wanted to say so much to each other...but neither did. They were both too scared. Emily was afraid to say the wrong thing and Sylvie was afraid of what her friend would think of her if she found out about the possible pregnancy.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Sylvie looked up at her friend as she parked the car in front of the firehouse, "Yeah, I'm fine."

Emily gave a slow nod not truly believing her friend, "Are you sure? You've just been...different since your doctor's visit yesterday."

Sylvie unbuckled her seat belt and quickly swung the car door open, "I said I was fine, Emily. Let's go; we're going to be late."

"Okay," Whispered Emily to the silent car before she jumped out and jogged to catch up with Sylvie as they made their way into the firehouse.

Matt had been standing by the firetruck waiting for them for about fifteen minutes now. He knew what time they normally got to the house, so when it was a couple of minutes till that time he went out to the apparatus floor. Everyone was walking by him and saying "Good morning," but he wasn't paying attention to them at all. All he wanted to see was her. He needed to see her and see that she was okay. Call it crazy or whatever you will but as soon as he left her last night he hasn't been at ease since. Even his sleep was awful. All he could think about last night was if she was sleeping, how she was sleeping, and..Owen. The other thing that seemed to flood his thoughts as soon as he left her.

"Hey," Smiled Matt as soon as he saw them making their way up the driveway, "How's your all's morning?"

Sylvie gave him a simple, "Good morning" and "Fine," before she walked right past him and Emily both.

"Casey, she's been acting really weird since her doctor's appointment yesterday."

Matt nodded his head and made sure that Sylvie was gone and out of sight before he turned and spoke with Emily, "Yeah, I noticed that when she got back to the apartment yesterday. Did she say anything to you when I left last night?"

"No, as soon as you left she locked herself in her room and didn't come out till this morning."

"Well, I'll talk to her later and see if she'll tell me anything."

Foster bobbed her head and turned to walk away but then she quickly turned back to Matt and asked him another question, "Did you hear anything from Jay Halstead?"

"No," Whispered Matt as he cast his down to the clipboard in his hands. "I haven't heard anything and if I don't before the end of shift I'll call him or show up at the station."

"Let me know if I can do anything to help," Said Emily before she smiled at Stella and Kelly and walked over to where they were standing arguing about his driving to work.

Inside the firehouse, Sylvie's heart was beating out of her chest as she knocked on Boden's door and waited for him to tell her to enter.

"Come in, Brett."

"Hey, Chief. Do you have a minute?"

Boden signed one last document and set his pen down before he motioned for her to enter and close the door. "Of course. Is everything okay? Did you get a bad report from the impromptu doctor's visit last shift?"

Sylvie took a deep breath before she shook her head and sat down in the nearest chair, "Ummm...no. Like I said the other day, the doctor said I was fine to work. I would just be a little slow."

"Okay, then. Is something else wrong?"

Perspiration beads were starting to gather on Sylvie's forehead as she thought about what she was getting ready to tell him, "I...I lied to you about how I got injured."

Boden didn't say anything; he just stared at her blankly and waited for her to continue.

"I..told you that I fell down the stairs, but that's not what happened. I was actually raped."

Air caught in Boden's throat as he heard those words leave Sylvie's mouth.

"I..I'm sorry I lied to you, but I wasn't ready to tell everyone. And, I'm not telling you to get special treatment or anything, I'm just telling you because I reported it and legally I know that the CFD had to be informed when there is any police involvement."

"Brett...do you know who did it?"

Sylvie nodded and kept her eyes glued to the sparkling white floor, "Umm...yes. I do. He was a date of mine, and now...I guess he's my rapist."

Boden's eyes widened as he heard her say that last word, "Brett, is anything I can do? Do you need me to call in a replacement or…"

"No, no. Chief, I'm fine. Like I said, I don't want any special treatment. I'm dealing with it and it's been reported. I just wanted and...needed to let you and the CFD know."

Boden could only nod. He didn't know what to do or say. "Sylvie, you know that if you ever need to tell me anything here or outside of the CFD you can, right?"

Sylvie gave off a sad smile and nodded her head before she got out of her chair, "I do, Chief. Thank you."

Sylvie was about to step out of Boden's office before his voice stopped her. "Brett, I also need to tell you that when something this...traumatic happens the CFD requires that employee to attend mandatory counseling."

Sylvie nodded and cursed that part of the CFD manual she forgot, "Of course, Chief. I...I don't have a problem with that."

"Good, I'll let headquarters know everything."

"Thank you, Chief."

"Brett, one more thing." Called out Boden as he saw Sylvie trying to make her getaway for the second time.

Sylvie turned back to him and gave him a tight-lipped smile that screamed, I'M TRYING NOT TO CRY! "Yes, Chief."

"You will have to tell everyone here on shift with you. I normally wouldn't make an employee do such a thing, but I also know how close everyone at the house is and how much like family everyone is, so I think that it's only right that they hear it from you."

"I'll do it, Chief."

Boden nodded and gave her a dismissal nod before he watched her leave his office and hurriedly make her way to the locker room. Boden wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to deal with the information Sylvie had just told him. Every part of him was screaming in anger. How could someone do this to her? He grabbed his discarded pen he had been holding when she came into his office and gave it a really hard knuckle-turning squeeze before he slammed his fist down on his desk and tried to return to work. Although...there was no forgetting what she had just told him.

Matt watched from the hallway as Sylvie practically ran out of Boden's office and to the locker room. He knew she had told him. There was no denying how angry Boden looked.

Matt waited for a few minutes and watched the locker room clear out before he decided to go in and check on her. He cursed as the saw her jump from the sound his feet made against the floor.

"Hey. Sorry, I scared you. I was just coming to check on you and get you so you don't miss the morning meeting."

"It's okay," Sighed Sylvie as she brought her eyes up to meet his."

"You okay?" Questioned Matt as he slowly walked over and sat next to her on the bench.

"I...I told Boden."

"How'd he take it?" Even though Matt already knew the answer to that question he still wanted to hear it from her.

"As well as can be expected, I guess."

Matt nodded and waited for her to say anything else.

"Matt?" She asked a couple seconds later in her small, sad voice.

"Yeah, Syl?"

"I can't do this." She whispered as tears started to slide down her face and make it harder for both of them to concentrate.

"Do what?" He asked hoping to fix whatever was making his beautiful Sylvie so heartbroken, sad, and quiet.

"I can't do this. I can't tell everyone. It's so...embarrassing. What are they all going to think of me? I mean..I haven't even told my parents yet. The people that raised me. I'm too afraid to tell them."

"Oh, Sylvie. It's going to be okay." Whispered Matt as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "I mean it, it's going to be okay."

"You don't know that." Whimpered Sylvie against his tear-soaked Captain's shirt.

"I do know that because we are all going to be here for you. Sylvie, none of us are going anywhere."

Sylvie nodded and let him help her quell falling tears before they both gathered themselves together and went to the meeting room where everyone else was currently.

Boden walked in right after them and began the meeting, so no one had the chance to look at them and tell that Sylvie had been crying.

The meeting ended up lasting a total of thirty-four minutes and Sylvie cursed each second that passed by. She had never actually prayed for the bells to go off, but right now she was. If there was anything that could get her out of having to tell everyone she would take it.

"Umm, folks, excuse me. I have to take this." Said Boden as he picked up his ringing cell phone and walked out of the meeting room.

Sylvie knew that this was her chance. Everyone was here and they were all contained so it was now or never. She threw one last look at Matt which he returned with a reassuring nod before she jumped up and claimed everyone's attention.

"Umm...I need to tell you all something." Yelled Sylvie over the loud chatter-box room.

Though, everyone turned to look at her and stopped talking as soon as they heard her soft, tear-stained croaky voice.

To say you could hear a pin drop would be an understatement. Right now you could hear a mouse saying his daily prayer.

"I...I...I lied to you all. I didn't fall down any stairs. I...was raped."

Gasps were heard all around the room at the same time. Everyone's eyes had widened in size and they were all glued to their spot.

"I'm sorry I lied to you all. I never meant to do that. But, I promise you all that I'm okay. And...and I reported it."

Everyone was about to say something and comfort her, but before anything was done the alarm bells went off.

- ALL RESPOND - PILE UP ON LAKE VIEW HIGHWAY - ALL RESPOND

Everyone mentally agreed that this was actually a call they didn't want to respond to before most of them gave Sylvie a quick hug, reassuring smile, or an "I'm so sorry." They all raced to their vehicles after that and fled to the scene. Some of them were glad the call came in because they had no clue what to say or do. I mean, how do you process information like that?

They were lucky that the other house who had also been called to the scene had beat them there and had done most of the work. A lot of fifty-one was still frozen by the news.

It took a while, but by the time everyone was back at the house, Sylvie was bombarded with tight hugs, questions, and so much more. Matt was right, everyone was there for her. They were truly all amazing, she felt so lucky that she had them all as her family. Stella and Joe had both grabbed her in a tight hug as soon as they saw her back at the house. Both of them expressed how sorry they were and how much they loved her. It was really all the medicine she felt like she needed. She felt like after this was all over there would never be another thing in this world that she was afraid to tell her family.

Sylvie gave a tearful smile as she sat on her bunk and found the box of cookies Mouch had left for her. She was about to open the box and grab one when she heard her cell phone go off.

It scared her and made her jump at first, but then she quickly realized what it was and picked it up before it went to voicemail.

"Hello," She answered, still trying to calm her fast-beating heart.

"Hello, I need to speak with Sylvie Brett. My name is Alicia Benton and I am Doctor Newman's assistant. I have Ms. Brett's test result from her visit yesterday."

Sylvie's heart stopped as she listened to what the other person on the phone was saying. "Okay, that's me. Just tell them to me. Please. I...I can handle it."

"Okay, Ms. Brett. Well, it looks like the test came back negative for an early pregnancy. You're not pregnant."


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