CHAPTER 9


Life isn't about counting all the things you've lost, It's about increasing the number of important things in it.

~Tsukamoto


'Of course, I should brag about it. Name one thing you remember about me.'

'You had the physical strength and stamina of a sloth?'

Harry snorted, crossing his legs over the coffee table that stood before the couch he lounged on in his living room, completely engrossed in his chat with Astrid. The final presentation, completion and submission of his project the previous days had made a huge difference in the amount of work that they usually faced regularly. Their clear schedule had given them a lot of time to talk. It turned out to be his very first slack day and he enjoyed every moment of it. His conversations with Astrid, reminiscing their high school memories, but carefully evading any event about their relationship and breakup.

Harry wasn't the social type. He'd hated relating with people, believing that he was his best whenever he was alone. It wasn't just from the bullying he'd dealt with his entire life, because he felt that it was just the result of his antisocial personality. Most people back then believed him to be lame, cold and unhappy, but it was just about appreciating silence in a world that never stopped talking. He'd grown to learn that people do have a lot more value than he placed on them and that the best relationships in life were formed by just talking.

'Of what use is strength in modern society? You have to be smart to survive.'

Things felt different with Astrid like he possessed dual personalities with a side that only shined in her presence. He didn't feel the need to be silent, shy, or awkward, especially with the history between them. Talking with her just seemed natural, amusing and pain-relieving. It relieved him of a truth that he never wanted to admit since Camilla's death...the fact that he was lonely. His constant yearning for her attention, calling her into his office without a purpose, having lunch with her at the cafeteria and sending her frequent random texts were enough to admit that maybe he'd been wrong.

'Good point. If only I knew this back then.'

Maybe loneliness wasn't the best option, maybe there was a lot he needed to say that he'd kept in for four years. Maybe he enjoyed talking and sharing his feelings with someone willing to listen, and maybe he'd gotten so used to his life with Astrid and was afraid of going back to what it was without her when it was just his mother, Zia and his late wife, Camilla.

'Why? You were smart too, Astrid. You just didn't mingle with smart people.'

He smirked, waiting for her clap back. He'd always wondered why Astrid hung out with a crowd in which she stood out so much from, totally seeming out of place. Her boyfriend Eric was the part of the equation he just couldn't comprehend. Overlooking the fact that he had an obsessive crush on her, she was far ahead in comparison, so much smarter, so much more mature and he'd always wondered how that relationship even worked. Eric dated her from the pride and popularity it brought him, and it was clear that Astrid was aware of it, but probably had her reasons too.

'Surprisingly, that comment does not piss me off one bit.'

'Because it is a compliment?'

'Send another one of those and I would twist your arm. Since you remember so much about high school, I'm sure you know what that feels like, right?'

'Miss Hofferson, do you want to lose your job?'

'Please, at this stage, you know I'm irreplaceable.'

Harry smiled. She was right, and he knew it. Her position and role in his life was way beyond her job description. After two months of her presence, she somehow became a lot more than just his secretary, a lot more than just his friend and it was something he wanted to cherish for as long as they both could. He remembered Heather's threat and her alleged speculation of his growing feelings for Astrid.

He didn't want to define their relationship in that direction, still reluctant to face the complications that could arise from it. They were both two single individuals who needed and relied on each other, it didn't need to be anything more than that, it didn't need to be complicated.

'And you say I'm the arrogant one.'

"What are you doing? You've been smiling to yourself since you got home." Vanessa Haddock turned the television on, plopping on the armchair next to her son. "Who are you chatting with?"

'Yup, and it seems like you're rubbing off on me.'

Harry hid his phone from the sight of his peeping mother, moving further away from her on the couch with a smirk. He didn't want her to notice his recent bond and closeness to Astrid, to avoid bringing up the topic of getting into a romantic relationship with her.

'You're silly. So what else do you remember about me, Harry? Since you've already won the game.'

'That you're terrified of ice-skating?'

"What is it, mum? Do you always have to know who I'm chatting with?"

"You have started keeping secrets from me, haven't you?"

"I'm thirty, mum. I don't have to tell you everything. I'm not a child."

Vanessa raised her hands, standing up from the couch. "Alright, whatever."

'How did you know that? I never told you that.'

'Your father did.'

'So he did, didn't he? You two just loved ganging up on me at every chance.'

'Haha. I used to think you were fearless...knowing that you had fears made you seem more...human.'

'Then you'd be overjoyed to know that I still haven't given it a try.'

"Do you want Zia and I to go with you tomorrow, Harry?"

'Really? Since we're basically in winter, would you like to? I could teach you.'

"Harry!"

Harry looked up from his phone with a puzzled look. "Sorry mum, to where?"

His mother seemed startled at his question. "You don't plan on going this year?"

"Going where mum?"

"It's Camilla's anniversary tomorrow, I just thought you'd want us to…" She trailed off, giving him a confused look. "Wait...you didn't forget about her anniversary, did you?"

Harry was sure his heart stopped at that moment. It wasn't true, there's no way he could've forgotten such a horrid date...there was no way he would have forgotten the absolute worst day of his life.

"That's not right mum, Camilla died on the…"

"Third of November? Harry, that is tomorrow. How could you forget that?"

Harry sprang up, still in disbelief, pacing back and forth in panic. "I need a calendar. There's no way I could've forgotten about that day mum! There's no way I could have…"

Vanessa gripped his hand to stop him, a look of concern and worry on her face. "Harry! Calm down! It's alright! There's nothing wrong with forgetting about…"

"What do mean, mum?! She loved me for ten years! She was everything to me! It's just been four years, and I've already forgotten about her?!"

"Harry…" She placed her arms on his shoulders, her voice wavering. "I understand you, but you know the date, you didn't forget it. You don't have to be so hard on yourself."

"The memories are fading, mum. I want to hold onto them because it's all I have left of her, but the memories make me remember, and remembering brings back the pain." Harry choked on his words, dropping to his knees with his face buried in his palms.

"I shouldn't be a coward. I should learn to live with the pain so I can keep the memories...because she is worth it. But...is it wrong if I choose to forget so that even for a moment, I can be relieved from the pain? Because I want to be happy?"

Tears filled his mother's eyes, as she knelt beside him, pulling her broken son into her arms. She stroked his hair as he sobbed softly into her shoulders. "You've got it all wrong son. Keeping the memories of her alive isn't what causes the pain. All memories, both good and bad are what made up your relationship with Camilla, so you need to keep them."

She pulled away, holding both sides of his face in her hands, and gently wiping off his tears. "It is your attachment to those memories that cause the pain. The fact that you haven't accepted her death, and the fact that you feel you could have changed things in the past to change her fate."

"The truth is...you did your best as a loving husband and Camilla knew that. There is nothing you can change about the past, Harry, even if you could go back in time. If you don't acknowledge that, you would never be happy again."

"Keep the memories, remember and hold them close, but do not let the events of the past control your present and future...learn to let go."

"Daddy? Nana?"

Harry jolted in shock, pulling away from his mother and wiping his tears almost immediately. Vanessa stood up from where she knelt beside him, both mother and son holding up fake smiles as they turned towards the little girl who'd been watching them from a corner of the living room.

"Zia, it's already way past your bedtime. You're supposed to be asleep, you've got school tomorrow."

"But I heard daddy's voice, Nana, and I wanted to tell him goodnight."

Harry bit his lower lip, his heartbeat going faster as he walked towards her, scooping her into his arms. "I told you not to wait for me if it's past your bedtime. Do you want me to read you a bedtime story?"

She nodded in silence, staring at him with a concerned expression that should not be seen on the face of a five-year-old. He didn't know how long she'd been listening to them, and how much she'd heard, but he wished he hadn't reacted that way to Camilla's anniversary.

"Say goodnight to Nana one more time."

"Goodnight, Nana."

"Goodnight, Zia, make sure you sleep this time."

"Okay."

'Sure. I'm free this weekend if you wouldn't change my work schedule as my boss.'

Harry read the message from Astrid as he walked down the hallway towards Zia's room. He sighed, still heavy from his breakdown earlier, the memories of his wife flooding his mind, still hating himself so much for forgetting her anniversary. He'd spent the entire day busy with Astrid, but didn't want to place blame...it was his fault he forgot...his fault for getting distracted.

'I'll pass. I'm busy this weekend. I hope you understand.'


Astrid's heart dropped instantly after she read his message. It was the last thing she'd expected him to say since he'd brought up the idea of ice-skating with her in the first place. She did understand, remembering his daughter, Zia's birthday was that Saturday. He wasn't lying or making excuses, he was going to be busy with that.

'My bad, I remember it's Zia's birthday, right?'

She stared at the screen of her phone lying in bed, waiting patiently for his reply. She'd had the best work experience since her recruitment at Haddock limited. Aside from the impressive salary, benefits and incentives, she'd enjoyed working with Harry. His humility and respect for his employees was admirable, but his attention was what she loved and treasured the most. Being his secretary and liaison officer, she was the employee that worked closely with him, but the time spent while working didn't seem to be enough for both of them.

He'd often called her into his office without reasons to back it up. He had a habit of deviating from work, somehow turning all their conversations into compliments about her, or teasing her to get a reaction. Harry had changed a lot from what Astrid remembered, and it was a change she'd wished had come earlier. He was never the type of person to speak unless being spoken to, and had a talent of acting aloof, even to people he cared about. As his girlfriend in the past, she'd always struggled to get his attention, to at least look her in the eye and admit his feelings.

She knew he'd been sad about her decision to keep their relationship a secret from her friends, but it was because she wanted him to oppose it. She'd wanted him to be clear about his feelings for her and define their relationship. She'd wanted him to be confident in himself and stand up to her friends, but he was Harry, he'd never believed that he was good enough to be taken seriously.

He'd become a lot confident now, so confident that it scared her. He wasn't shy to have lunch and flirt with her before his other employees, to give her a piggy ride, raising suspicions and discussions on her closeness with him. She'd been hearing the rumours about them and was sure they both made it worse by spending the entire day together, having numerous conversations, with none relating to work. The fact that Harry never seemed bothered by the rumours and curious stares, drew her even closer to him. She enjoyed talking with him, in a way she'd always wanted to in the past. He completely opened up to her, narrating the events of his life after he left Arizona. She'd opened up to him too, talking more about Stanley and her relocation to California.

She loved being with him. She loved the way he looked at her when he thought she wasn't watching, she loved the way he teased her, the way he smoothly threw random compliments at her, and how he showed so much interest in getting to know more about her. She'd never felt so admired, respected, valued and loved, and it just sent thrills of euphoria that made her giddy. They kept texting each other even after leaving work because she just craved more of his attention and time, looking for ways to get even closer to him.

She knew he still loved his late wife and wasn't yet ready for a new relationship, but she was willing to wait patiently, hoping he'd somehow be willing to give their relationship another chance, hoping that he'd realize that she'd fallen in love with him all over again...this time, even harder.

'Yes, it is.'

She sprang up when his reply came in, ten minutes after her message, but was a lot shorter than she'd expected for a long interval. Was he getting tired of chatting with her? Or maybe he was asleep? It was pretty late anyway.

'How about Sunday? After her birthday? We could take both Neil and Zia ice-skating.'

She sent the message and buried her face in her pillow, groaning and hoping that she didn't sound too needy and desperate for his attention, even if she was. She loved him, she also loved his daughter Zia and was the happiest whenever both families were together. She hoped Harry felt the same way at least, even if he decided never to admit it. He had to have felt something, right? He couldn't just be acting that way towards her if he didn't feel something? Or was she just reading too much meaning into his friendship with her?

His message back came in with a shorter interval than the previous one. She sighed, her heart suddenly pounding in anxiety as she picked up her phone to read the content of his reply. She almost choked in pure disappointment and sadness when she saw it, her hopes falling at the instant, and suddenly feeling unbearable pain.

'I'm sorry, we won't make it this time.'


Harry's sudden change of attitude didn't stop at the text that he'd sent the previous night, it went on throughout the next day. He was silent, cold and completely distant. Astrid studied him in silence, he was spaced out, distracted, and she could swear she saw him in tears at a point. What the hell happened to him? He'd been so happy before, smiling, joking and messing around. It was a side of him that was new to her, that she wished he would show more often, but she'd hoped too much.

She stole several glances at him, but he never for once looked towards her direction. He just gazed out the window with plain sadness on his face, and Astrid became very concerned. Harry was in pain, the kind of pain that she never wanted him to feel, the pain she wished she could take away from him. She couldn't do anything about it, as long as he decided to be silent about it.

Was it Camilla? His wife's death was the only thing she knew that could hurt him this much, but she didn't understand why he looked so different today, considering he'd been trying to move on from her death. He'd talked about her during their conversations before, but wasn't sad about it back then, so what changed? What exactly was bothering him so much?

She'd waited till their usual lunch break when he usually pulled her to the cafeteria with him, placing the same order as she did, to tease her, but this time was different. Waiting ten minutes into lunch break was futile because he never for once left his office. She decided to confront him and for a change, ask him to have lunch with her at the cafeteria. It wasn't a decision she was confident in, especially after brushing her off last night, but she was still determined to do it. He probably needed her the most at this time, even though he never asked.

Her hands shook in sudden fear as she stood at the door of his office reluctant to go in. He probably felt this way whenever he made those decisions to approach and reach out to her, and the fact that he still did, motivated her to talk to him despite his scary mood. She walked into his office slowly and looked up at him, but he wasn't at his desk, he was standing in front of the large window, hands in his pockets and staring out at downtown LA. He hadn't been focused since the day began. She noticed his emails were unread and documents hadn't been signed, he'd just been staring off into the distance in silence with a very depressed look. It wasn't a mood she could endure, she hated seeing him this way and wanted to make him feel better.

She wasn't sure if he wasn't aware of her presence as his back was turned on her or knew but pretended not to care. She just stood there in silence watching him.

"Can I help you?"

He knew she was behind him, and that he was being watched, but chose not to say anything, or at least give her his attention. Astrid pushed her hair backwards, suddenly nervous, fumbling between her words.

"Uhm...I err...I was just...wondering if you'd like to have lunch with me...like we used to."

He hesitated with Astrid crossing her middle finger over her index finger, hoping that he wouldn't reject her offer like before. She needed to find a way to get to him, to know what his problem was and somehow brighten up his mood.

"I'm good. I'm not hungry."

"Uhm… okay then, I...just thought I'd ask because…" She trailed off, but he still wasn't looking her way, acting like her presence meant nothing to him. She wanted to feel hurt. After all, she'd spent hours at the mirror in hopes of impressing him, because she had chosen to open her heart to loving him again despite her heartbreak with Stanley. Just when she'd open hers, he'd closed his, the same reason their relationship ended in the past.

"Harry...are you...alright? You seem so sad...I don't mean to intrude...I'm...I'm just really worried about you."

"I'm fine. I'm just not hungry."

"Alright...I just hope you're fine. I'm here for you if you need to talk." She started heading towards the door to leave, almost in tears.

"Astrid?"

She stopped, a little relieved that he was finally going to open up to her. "Yeah?"

"I need to be alone today, so please, don't come in, even if it's important."

"Yes, Sir."

She felt the jabs from those words as she hurried towards the door and out of his office, closing the door behind her. She fell backwards, leaning against the door, and exhaling deeply. Astrid had never seen this side of Harry before, not even as a teenager back in high school. Harry was great at concealing his emotions, he never acted on his feelings, no matter how strong they were. He never showed anger no matter how much her friends often bullied and provoked him. He never lashed out at her despite how frustrated he was with her back then. He never acted on his feelings for her, even though he was in love with her.

It was different and shocking seeing him this way, but then, he was an adult now and had learnt that it was human to show emotions. It scared her a bit, and she was worried, but she had to give him the space that he needed.

"Astrid! Hey, is the boss in?" Laura asked, walking into the main entrance of the chief executive office, with a document in her hand. "I've got something I need to…"

Astrid blocked the door of Harry's office, stopping her. "Uhm...he's in a pretty bad mood, Laura. Let me have the message, I'll send it to him."

She first gave her a puzzled look, and then an expression of sudden realization. "Wait. Oh no, today is the day! No wonder he cancelled all his meetings. Alright, you have this, I can't risk losing my job today."

"What?" Astrid took the document from her, going after her as she rushed out to leave the office. "What are you talking about, do you know what's going on with him?"

"You don't know? You're closer to him than any of us."

"Please, tell me what's going on. I'm really confused."

"Third of November, Astrid. His wife died exactly four years ago from today."

Of course, it was Camilla. She knew it had to be Camilla because it was the only thing that could have that much of an impact on his mood. It was her death anniversary, and she could tell just how much he loved and missed her.

"So he gets like this each year of her anniversary?"

"Someone always gets fired. Yes, it's that serious." Laura said as they both walked down the hallway side by side. "Wait, did you just come out of his office? He cancelled all his meetings, why did you go in there then?"

"Uhm…" Astrid's gaze fell to the ground. "I wanted to ask him to...uhm…"

"Have lunch with you like he always does?"

"No no...it's not like that."

"What's going on between you two anyway? The whole company is talking about both of you having a secret affair. Is it true?"

"What? A secret affair?!" Astrid's jaw dropped, she hadn't realized the extent of the rumours going around about their relationship. "Is that what everyone thinks?"

"You haven't denied it yet, Astrid. You both are unusually close. He never visited the cafeteria once before you came here, and now he always has lunch with you."

Astrid rolled her eyes, "How is that having an affair, Laura?"

"I mean, sometimes you both ride to work and back together, so correct me if I'm wrong, but I am just asking what other employees are afraid to ask you."

"No, I'm not having an affair with him. Harry is an old friend of mine, we used to go to elementary and high-school together in Arizona. Our kids attend the same school, that's why we sometimes ride together, that's all there is to it."

"You have kids, Astrid?"

"A son, yeah."

"That's amazing, I never knew that."

"So, see? That's the reason we do that...for our kids."

They both entered the elevator, with Laura punching in the button for the ground floor. She somehow didn't seem impressed with Astrid's story. "He keeps staring at you during board meetings, do you know that?"

Astrid's jaw dropped. She knew he often stared at her whenever she was in his office working close to him but had no idea he did the same thing at board meetings.

"No...I don't...but we aren't having an affair, Laura, you have to believe me."

"I mean, even if you both were, it's your life and he's the boss. None of that should be the business of the employees."

"But we aren't. Please help me pass the message to clear the rumours. It seems I've already started making enemies here within two months."

"It's nothing but jealousy, Astrid. You're a beautiful and attractive woman, I can see the reason for the bosses obsession over you. It's not your fault that you've grasped his attention, they need to learn to deal with it."

"I'm glad someone is on my side. I have no intention of starting any relationship with him whatsoever, that would be unprofessional."

"Well, since he likes you so much, you can be sure he would never get you fired, so we've got a lot more documents we need him to sign. You have to give them to him."

"But he already gave me a warning, Laura. He doesn't want me in his office too, I'm no exception to the danger of his mood."

"He likes you, so trust me, you have the highest chance of not getting fired compared to the rest of us."

"He doesn't like me like that, plus he seemed pretty pissed that I walked in earlier. You might be wrong, he might fire me too if I do that again."

"Please, Astrid. He needs to sign these and you need to give it to him before he leaves. Trust me, he's not gonna fire you, Astrid, just help us out."

"Alright, alright. I'll give them to him, but if today turns out to be my last day in the company, just know that your conscience would avenge me."

Laura laughed, "You're so dramatic. It wouldn't be your last, I'm sure of it."

"If you say so."

"Have lunch with me today, Astrid. You need to interact more with other employees so that they can get to know you and stop the silly rumours. You just hang out with the boss and that's why they keep making those assumptions."

"Sure, Laura. I guess you're right, I should socialize with them more."

"Just so you know, I'm rooting for you and Mr Harry. He smiles a lot whenever he's around you. His smile might be usual for you, but it's really rare for us."

"It doesn't mean his smile is because of me."

The elevator doors opened at the ground floor and they both walked out. "It is, Astrid. It was really weird seeing him so happy yesterday. You don't realize how happy you make him, but his smile is definitely because of you."

She pushed strands of her hair behind her ears, suddenly timid and speechless, unsure of how to respond. "Uhm…"

"He also cares a lot about you. I saw when he gave you a piggyback ride on his prosthetic when you sprained your ankle, and the reason he started having lunch with you was to be sure you didn't skip yours. Tell me why you both aren't in a relationship again? Because that's goals right there."

"We are not dating, Laura, believe me."

"Well, my point is that you should talk to him. Yes, I mean walk into his office with your job on the line and talk to him."

"Wow, great advice. I'll do just that. The least that could happen is to become jobless, right? No big deal at all."

"He's lonely, and devastated, you're the only one that can make him feel better."

"He wants space, I should respect that."

"Yeah, give him the space he needs, but don't leave today without making sure that he's okay. He is a good person and deserves to be happy. You've been able to achieve that in just two months, why not try it again today? When he needs it the most?"

Astrid decided to try. Heather had offered to pick up Neil from work since it was her day off, and she'd stayed a little past work shift to check up on Harry. He'd never left his office since he got in, and no one had visited either. It was like she was the only employee that wasn't aware of his wife's anniversary and the effect it had on him. She couldn't let him go home in that state, so she needed to do something about it.

Go ahead, Astrid, talk to him!

What exactly was she so scared about? She was never afraid of talking to him, it was always the reverse order back when they were a couple. This time was different, he was a different person and she wasn't sure of his reaction to her presence, especially when he'd clearly stated that he didn't want it. Her feelings for him were also a major factor, she wasn't ready to hear that they would never be reciprocated because of his love for his wife, it would raise the kind of pain she didn't want to face. But this wasn't about her, it was about him and consoling him as a good friend.

She knocked on the door without giving herself another reason to hesitate and waited for a response, but didn't get any. She gave several tries, and the silence made her worry elevate to instant panic.

"Harry?" She pushed the door open, walking in without her heart in her mouth. If he chose to get her fired for disobeying his order, she wouldn't mind, as long as he was doing alright. "I'm so sorry for the disturbance, please I just need to drop off…"

It was when she realized why he hadn't responded to her call. She saw the empty bottles, the glass that was still half full, and Camilla's picture held close to his chest. The buttons on his collar shirt were open, revealing the cotton tank top he wore underneath. His hair was a mess, his eyes were shut like he was unconscious, just spread out on the swivel chair in a state that brought tears to her eyes.

This was the reason why he didn't want anyone in his office, he didn't want anyone to see him this way and watching him now almost dead on the inside, broke her heart to a million pieces. She sniffed, holding back her tears as she picked up his phone, dialling in his driver's number.

"Uhm...Hello? Yeah, this is his secretary, Astrid, you drove my son and I home the other day? Yeah...he needs help getting home tonight, please come up to his office as soon as you can...alright, thank you."

She got off the call and picked up the empty bottles around him, trying to clean up the place before his driver got in. Harry was never associated with alcohol throughout high school, it was one of the reasons why he was made fun of by her friends. He'd detested the taste of it, and often questioned why people choose to drink away the problems that they would still face the next day. He'd come to understand that sometimes people crave for a brief relief and break from their pain, just like he'd tried to do.

"Harry, come on, we have to go home. It's getting late and your mum would be worried." She said softly, tapping him to wake him up. He stirred for a while and she froze, watching as his eyes slowly opened. They were red, revealing that he'd been crying the entire time. He stared at her in silence, like he was in shock, and fear hit her again, worrying about his reaction to her presence.

"Uhm...I'm so sorry, Harry...I know I shouldn't be here, but…"

"Camilla?"

Astrid went numb, unable to utter a word as she watched him grab her wrist and pull her down to his lap. Was he hallucinating? She'd seen pictures of Camilla, enough to know fully well that she looked nothing like her.

"Harry..I...I'm not…"

"I can't do this anymore, Camilla." He cut her off, staring deeply into her eyes, as she started to feel a fraction of his pain. She relaxed on his lap, ready to listen to him pour out his heart to her.

"I am tired...I'm tired of doing life without you. You know I was never strong, I could only stand without strength because you held me up for ten years. I would never have imagined that I would one day have to stand alone again."

"Harry…"

"I miss you a lot...our daughter misses you a lot...even if she doesn't talk about you." He reached out and stroked her hair, sending shivers down her spine. She should have stopped him, told him that she wasn't his wife, but she just couldn't. The fact that he thought he was with Camilla brought a ray of hope and joy that she didn't want to take away from him.

"She's just like you, Cami. She's quick-witted, beautiful and kind...very kind. I thought that raising her in this lifestyle would spoil her, but I was wrong. She's tender-hearted, just like you are...she's also joyful and full of life even in your absence."

"I know I should learn from her because you'd told me on your deathbed to keep living and to be happy. But how can I be happy, Cami? How can I be happy without you? It hurts, even more, when Zia calls me her hero...how can I be her hero, when I couldn't even save her mother?"

Tears welled up in Astrid's eyes as she slowly reached underneath his eyes and wiped his tears with her thumb. "Maybe if I'd moved you to a better hospital for better treatment, sold everything I had, even sold off the company, you wouldn't have…" He broke down and Astrid couldn't hold back either. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he sobbed into her shoulder. She almost shuddered when his arms went around her waist, pulling her closer to him.

They stayed in that position for a while until he'd calmed down, then she got up, trying to help him up to leave. "Harry, we have to go home, Zia can't see you like this."

"Wait...where are we going?" He mumbled, trying to keep his balance and avoid tripping over her. He was so drunk that walking him to the car seemed a lot harder than she thought.

"Home, Harry...we are going home." She replied, taking slow steps with him towards the door. He tried to stop her, hesitant to leave, but she struggled with him to convince him to go with her.

"Should I go home if Zia shouldn't see me like this? She would see me...she sees everything, she knows everything. It's disappointing that I keep showing her my pain...that's just how terrible of a father I am."

He did have a point. Zia was at the mansion with his mother, and if she didn't call in to tell Vanessa about Harry's situation, his daughter would see him somehow.

"How can you say that, Harry? You're a great father, and she knows that."

"That's something Camilla would say." He suddenly tripped over his toes, accidentally pushing her to the wall, but immediately wedged both of his arms at her sides on the wall to avoid bumping into her. She locked eyes with him, a bit uncomfortable with their closeness, and the fact that he'd pinned her to the wall.

"Wait...Astrid?"

She froze at that instant. This was it, she was getting fired today, not just for walking into his office, but for also pretending to be his wife.

"You weren't talking with Camilla, Harry. It's me...Astrid."

His expression scared her because he'd never looked at her that way before. He had a huge frown on his face, but he kept his eyes locked on hers, not blinking for a second.

"Why did you come back, Astrid?"

"Uhm...I didn't mean to, but I had important documents I needed to…"

"You'd walked away first, remember? When you'd left me under the rain waiting for you for hours, desperately hoping you'd show up. Your father had told me that you'd gone with Eric, but I didn't want to believe it. I held onto the bouquet and the courage I'd gained to finally tell you how I felt about you, waiting like a fool without self-worth...but you never showed up."

Tears rolled down Astrid's eyes, his words and gaze piercing through her. She had no answer to his question because it was one she had always asked herself. Would things have gone differently if she'd met up with him that day, ten years ago?

"Harry I…"

"I just want to know...why did you come back?" He interrupted, "I'd sworn to never let you into my life again, to never let you get into my head...into my heart...yet here we are. You're back, and the cycle is beginning all over again."

"I'm sorry, Harry. I'm sorry for everything. I was wrong...I shouldn't have…"

"You shouldn't be sorry, Astrid. This isn't about the past, it's about now. It's about your presence in my life, and how it's driving me crazy."

"If I'd known you didn't want me here, I wouldn't have applied in the first place. I can still resign Harry, I'll be gone before you know it, don't worry."

"That's exactly the problem, I don't want you to leave, Astrid, and I'm angry with myself because of that. I shouldn't get too used to your presence, I shouldn't crave your attention the way I do. I shouldn't let my daughter get too close to you, because she sees her mother in you. I shouldn't be this happy when I'm around you."

"I never intended to…"

"I made a promise to her, Astrid. I'd told her she could never be replaced...in her daughter's eyes...in my heart. I want to keep to it, but you are making it so difficult for me. I have never felt so guilty about being happy the way I was yesterday...I was so happy, that I forgot about today...I forgot about her anniversary."

"Once you came back, it all returned, my feelings for you, and my silly weakness of conforming whenever it concerned you. My memories of her began to fade, and most times when I should be thinking about her...I'm thinking about you."

She bit her lower lip, her gaze falling to the ground as more tears poured down her eyes, unable to bear the weight of his words. Her tears didn't stop them, he kept revealing his concealed feelings about her presence in his life, the main reason why she'd been working hard to make up for in the first place. He'd told her that he had no hurt feelings, that he wasn't mad at her, that he'd let go of the past, but he was holding onto it a lot tighter than she was.

"She was the one who stood with me when you chose to walk away, so I shouldn't be putting you first just because she's no longer with me."

"I wish you never came back, Astrid. I wish you'd just leave...before I wouldn't be able to let you go."


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