Chapter 64.

This chapter jumps through time a bit. None of it is in chronological order but hopefully, you still understand it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Shameless.


The first night had been the worst.

The night when she had come home from the hospital without a baby growing in her belly.

She was still riding a small high from the anaesthetic they had given her during the D&C when she walked through the door of her house. The thought of the procedure caused a cold shiver down her spine even though she could barely remember any of it. She figured she had modern medicine and grief to thank for that.

Still, she figured it was the best option.

She had considered going the natural way; waiting it out and hoping that her body would be able to expel the rest of the tissue on its own. But that just seemed like too much. Too much time, too much grief, too much to expect. And, if it did happen, she wasn't sure she wanted to see the results.

So, she had opted for getting it cut out of her.

Simple. Easy. Quick.

Like it was never there.

.

Daniela beamed as she carried two bowls into the living room. "Perfectly popped popcorn coming through!"

On the sofa, Ian laughed. He accepted one as she joined him. Her legs curled under her as she took a handful and began eating.

"You wanna save some for the movie?" Joked Ian.

Daniela rolled her eyes but relaxed her chewing. "Well that's why I made two bowls! I can eat all of mine and then steal yours halfway through." She shrugged like it was common sense.

Ian shook his head in amusement. He turned his attention back to the television where he was setting up the movie for their sleepover. It had been his idea- the raincheck he had promised her weeks ago. The two hadn't had a lot of free time what with Ian training to become an EMT and Daniela adjusting back into her everyday life.

He continued to observe her as she scrolled through her phone.

"When's the pizza supposed to get here?" She asked absently.

Ian shrugged and checked his watch. "The guy said 8. Shouldn't be much longer."

The woman groaned and tilted her head back. "I'm starving."

Ian quirked a brow. "Is that why you're inhaling the popcorn?"

Daniela halted, her hand already half-way to her mouth. Slowly, she chewed and swallowed. She didn't bother coming up with a response as Ian's own phone buzzed on the coffee table. She peered over his shoulder but already knew who it was from based on the small smile that worked itself onto her best friend's face.

"Is that Caleb?" She teased.

Ian shot her a quick look. His fingers typed back a response. "He's just checking in."

Daniela smiled. "That's cute." She shifted so that she was closer to him. Her eyelashes fluttered as she blinked at him. "So when do I get to meet him?"

Ian's eyes met hers and her grin widened at his sudden blush.

He shrugged it off. "I'm not sure. We're still taking things slow."

Daniela rolled her eyes. "Oh please...you've practically been living together since you met. Not to mention he invited you to a family wedding."

"Mm, that one was more about showing off how gay he was to his dad."

"Well then he sounds like a great guy!"

Ian nodded, suddenly pensive. "He is."

A knock on the door kicked Daniela into action. Energised, she went to answer it. She smiled at the delivery man and handed over the cash.

"Finally!" She said as she placed the boxes onto the table in front of them and sat back down.

Ian watched her take out a slice, his expression falling slightly. The mood for the night had been completely pleasant and while at first, he was glad, he couldn't help but wonder whether his friend was simply putting on an act to please him. He had seen her at her lowest and neither of them wanted any repeats of that.

Noticing his stare, Daniela slowed her chewing.

"You okay?"

Ian's mouth thinned. "It's just...you seem...fine."

The woman took her time finishing her bite. "It's been a month," she shrugged, suddenly more serious. "And, you know...what happened, happened and I just have to live with that."

Ian wasn't sure what to say to that. Beside him, Daniela eyed him warily. She could tell from his grim expression that he didn't quite believe her but this wasn't something she was looking to unpack tonight.

Her stare broke away from his. Once she had, Ian also silently agreed to let the conversation go and started the movie. Daniela released a breath as it began and slumped further into the sofa.

/

The second week after losing the baby had been the worst.

She had managed to convince herself that she was ready to go back to her normal life. The bleeding had stopped and so had the cramps. She didn't feel like crying in the shower any more and she didn't want to stay hidden under the covers all day.

Her family had been hesitant at first. Her friends even more so.

She hadn't missed the watchful looks from Ian or Mandy or Simon whenever they stopped by to see her. She knew why. They had seen her battle grief before and come out on the losing end.

But this time was different.

Or so she kept telling herself.

.

Daniela's shoulders shook.

Mentally, she registered how pathetic she must have seemed to anyone who had ventured into the bathroom in the last half-an-hour. All they would have heard was someone ugly crying in the toilet stall paired with her trying to suck in as much air as she could.

"Daniela?"

She stared at the gap under the door as a pair of boots came into view. Her eyes shut at the realisation that it was Lip. He called her name again but didn't seem to require a response as he followed the sound of her sniffles to her stall.

He knocked on the door. "You in there?"

Slowly, Daniela unlocked it.

"You're not supposed to be in here," she said meekly.

Lip just closed the stall door behind him and kneeled down in front of her. Concern was painted across his face as he took her in.

"What happened?"

She shook her head. "Nothing. It's fine."

Lip scoffed but wasn't offended. "That's bullshit. Otherwise you wouldn't have texted."

Fuck.

She forgot about that.

It must have been minute five of her breakdown because she vaguely remembered looking at her phone.

"Hey," Lip's soft voice coaxed her attention back to him. His thumb stroked her cheek. "What happened?"

Daniela tried to control her breathing. Fuck. She wiped her face and shook her head again. It was stupid. She knew it was so fucking stupid.

"I fell."

"What?" Lip frowned. He didn't hear her.

Daniela swallowed and repeated herself. "I fell."

Her eyes met his and she knew he was confused. She sounded fucking crazy.

"You fell?"

Daniela nodded and sucked in a breath. Her eyes rolled upwards to stare at the top of the stall door.

"I was walking to class...I wasn't really paying attention and some asshole on a penny board rode right into me. And I fell."

She avoided his stare and instead focused on her fingers. She didn't want to tell him that she had fallen onto her stomach. She didn't want to tell him about the fear that had coursed through her body in that split second. How her blood had run cold and how she had hurriedly moved to curl her arm protectively around her stomach only to realise a moment later that she didn't need to.

Because she wasn't pregnant anymore.

She felt the fresh sob travel up her throat before it eventually spilt over. Her head bowed as she wrapped her arms around herself again.

"Please leave..."

Lip's frown deepened. He was at a loss for words. He hadn't been expecting this when he got her message that she was stuck in the toilets of the science building and needed him right away. She had been back at college for a week now. And while he had been wary of her hasty return, he figured she had settled in pretty well.

Apparently not.

He knew, judging by how much she was crying, that the incident was a little more than she was making it out to be. But he didn't need to know the details. He wasn't going to leave her alone.

"No."

"Lip," begged Daniela. Her grip on herself tightened. "Please."

"Listen to me. It's okay." Lip's hands moved to caress the sides of her face. He tried to get her to look at him. "Alright? You're okay. I don't even see a scratch. You're fine."

Daniela shut her eyes tightly.

She was pathetic.

She shouldn't have messaged him.

He didn't need to see this.

"Get out."

"No-"

"Get out, Lip."

"I'm not going."

"Get the fuck out!" She snapped, her hands coming to push him away.

Her eyes widened as Lip stumbled backwards. He managed to catch himself just before he fell against the door. He was just as shocked by her sudden outburst and watched as her expression slowly morphed into guilt.

"Lip...I'm sorry." Daniela shook her head. "Fuck- I'm so sorry."

Quickly recovering, Lip pulled her onto the floor where his back was now resting against the stall door. She let him and collapsed against his chest. She registered his arms securing themselves around her body and felt her stomach sink even further.

Lip rested his chin on top of her head and quietly soothed her.

"I'm sorry," she continued to repeat in a hushed whisper.

Lip just held her and stroked her hair.

"It's okay. You're okay."

/

The night she lost her baby had felt like a gunshot.

Not that she knew what being shot felt like. But she figured it was similar.

The entire drive to the hospital had consisted of her being a complete mess while the paramedic tried to coach her through taking deep breaths. Her dad was right by her, gripping her hand tightly. Through her tears, she saw the concern on his face as he had no doubt figured out what was happening.

Inhale. 3, 2, 1. Exhale.

She had closed her eyes- the motion causing more tears to fall- and rested her head against the back of the stretcher. She was aware of the paramedic asking her questions but the words were muffled in her haze. Her arms circled around her centre and she prayed. She prayed and prayed and prayed.

Please. Please, not this.

The drive felt like the longest she had ever endured. Finally, she was wheeled into the emergency room. Her dad wasn't very far behind and she wanted to reach out and squeeze his hand. Despite being incapacitated, she felt like collapsing. Maybe it was the blood. Or perhaps the lack of sleep that had left her feeling even more light-headed. Or the worried look shared between the EMTs as a doctor came over to assess her.

But really, it was the fact that she knew her worst fear had come true.

.

Daniela stared at the chipped lilac paint that coated her bedroom.

She could feel her damp hair forming wet patches in her shirt but didn't move to do anything about it. She just sat there and stared. She wasn't sure for how long.

The sound of a soft knock on her door caused her attention to shift to her dad. Suddenly self-conscious, she wrapped her arms around her middle.

Lawrence seemed grim as he stepped into the room. His daughter said nothing as he eased onto the bed beside her. Like her, he stared straight ahead but, every now and again, he would glance at her out of the corner of his eye.

He, like everyone around Daniela, had been monitoring her closely. She was sure she had looked crazy staring at the wall for the last ten minutes.

"You okay?" He finally asked.

Daniela gulped to wet her dry throat. "Yeah, dad." Her eyes met his. "I'm fine."

She knew he didn't buy it and she didn't blame him. She knew she looked a mess no matter how much she tried to cover it up.

Lawrence seemed hesitant, like he was debating whether to leave it there and be done with it. But, instead, he carried on.

"Your mom was always better at these sorts of things," he began. His hands were clenched tightly and he observed them for a long moment. Daniela waited for him to finish. "But I'm here if you need to talk- about anything. Even if you think I won't understand, I'll try my hardest to, okay?"

Daniela nodded, sniffing back fresh tears.

"I know, dad." She stared at his cheekbone, unsure if she could handle looking him directly in the eye.

Lawrence released another solemn breath.

"I was thinking…if you needed to, maybe we could call up Teresa. Ask if you can go stay with her for a week or something." He watched her face shift. "A change of scenery could be good for you."

Daniela considered the proposition. It was tempting.

"I'll be fine," she eventually said. Her head shook. "Besides, I have assignments to catch up on."

Lawrence nodded. He didn't want to push the subject any further than he already had. He wrapped a strong arm around her shoulders and placed a kiss to the side of her head.

"Okay then."

/

Every night after that night had been the worst.

The days were getting shorter and the nights had grown colder. November had come and gone and the leaves that had stuck to the ground during the Fall were now coated in fresh snow.

Tonight was no different.

Daniela pulled a warm coat around herself and stepped outside. She had slept at her house for the first time in two months. Two months since it had happened.

She shook off the intrusion, knowing it would just lead to more dark thoughts. She reached into her pocket and found the lighter and pack of cigarettes she had swiped from Lip on her way out. Things between them were starting to feel more familiar and normal- something Daniela was greatly soothed by.

The first month had been awkward and uncomfortable and neither of them knew what to do or how to feel or when it felt appropriate to return to their everyday lives. His presence had been an anchor for Daniela and she wasn't sure she would have dealt with the loss quite so well without him.

She pulled the coat tighter around her body and walked to the pathway. Her hands cupped themselves around the cigarette hanging between her lips as she lit it. Her eyes moved skywards and she took in the collection of clouds and stars. A faint smile painted her face. She loved the stars.

A few houses down, Debbie exited the place she had once called her home. She huffed at the biting cold and wrapped her arms around her belly, feeling her protruding bump beneath them. She walked to the edge of the fence but paused at the sight of a familiar silhouette down the street. Glancing at the house one last time, Debbie made her way towards her.

Daniela was still staring at the stars and slowly working away at her cigarette when she registered Debbie's presence. Her eyes moved to rest on the girl.

"Hey, Debs." She frowned and angled her smoke away from her. "What are you doing out here, aren't you cold?"

Debbie was but she didn't mind too much. Instead, she focused her attention on the woman in front of her. She hadn't seen her since her gender reveal. Guilt built in the pit of her stomach at the thought. Her gaze fell to Daniela's own flat stomach. She swallowed before meeting her eyes again.

"I was just visiting," she said, gesturing with her thumb to her old house.

Daniela nodded and looked back up at the sky. The younger girl's neck craned up and her eyes narrowed. She wasn't sure what exactly she was looking at. She seemed to be lost in her own thoughts. Debbie observed her carefully. She couldn't see much with the limited light on the street but it was obvious that she was still hurting and she couldn't begin to fathom what she was going through.

Her hands caressed her belly.

"You still staying with that family?"

At her question, Debbie nodded. "Um, yeah."

Daniela, even through her quiet haze, picked up on the hesitation in her voice. Her eyes flicked to her again.

"And they're okay?"

Debbie nodded again. Since Erica had gone into remission, her position as their live-in nanny had become redundant. Frank had urged her to take things to the next level by indulging in Erica's strange connection with her. At first, Debbie had refused. But she knew Fiona wouldn't take her back without a job, and with Debbie growing nearer to her due date, she also knew it would be impossible to secure one. So, she had sucked it up and given in.

Daniela took one more inhale of her cigarette. "That's good," she nodded, releasing the cloud of smoke slowly. She dropped it to the ground and snubbed it out with her shoe. "Come on."

Debbie shuffled on foot but followed her back through the gate. Daniela gave her a passing command to sit down before heading back inside. The younger girl watched the door, waiting for her to return. She eventually did, with a large blanket in hand. She said nothing as she draped it around Debbie.

The action caused tears to fill Debbie's eyes. Her fingers curled around the edge of the blanket, pulling it tighter around her. Releasing a sigh, Daniela sat down next to her. She regarded Debbie with a small smile that made her feel even worse.

"I'm so sorry, El." Debbie's voice cracked on the words. She watched the older woman's face fill with sadness. Her head bowed, feeling the blanket swallow up her neck. "And I'm sorry I didn't come and visit you after."

She had meant to. When she had heard about what happened, it was the first thing she wanted to do. But then Carl had told her about his visit the night she got out of the hospital. About how drained and emotional her brother looked, and how Daniela seemed almost lifeless herself.

And she had decided she didn't want to see it. Because she simply couldn't see her like that. She had thought about their talk in her room at Erica's and remembered Daniela flicking through her parenting book on the bedside table. And Debbie felt even more guilt. She remembered how she had acted when Daniela had tried to talk to her about her decision to keep her baby. Debbie had lashed out, thinking that there was no way Daniela would know what she was going through.

Then Ian had told her about her original plans to give the baby up for adoption. And suddenly everything made sense.

She had seen Lip a grand total of one time after it happened. He could barely look at her. Except it wasn't her he couldn't look at, but her stomach; a reminder of what he and Daniela had lost. She had witnessed the undeniable grief that seemed to burrow into his bones. Her brother, for all his faults, was incredibly devoted and his emotions had a life of their own. She had seen it the night he realised Karen's baby wasn't his, and then again when she saw him two months ago.

Debbie didn't want to stir up the same reaction in Daniela. So she had stayed away. Her eyes moved to rest on the woman and noticed her fidgeting with a lighter.

"Don't be," said Daniela after a long silence. "It's probably for the best that you didn't." Despite herself, she glanced at Debbie's stomach which was now concealed by the thick blanket. She gulped. "How are you, Debs?"

"I'm okay." She waited, debating whether to ask. She was sure she'd already heard it plenty. "Are you?"

Daniela released a breathy laugh. Debbie wasn't sure if that meant yes or no. The weak smile fell from the woman's lips slowly as her eyes glazed over.

"You know what they told me the night my baby died?" Debbie said nothing. "It's not your fault." Daniela scoffed lightly, throwing her a quick, watery glance. "It was a chemical problem. A hole in the heart that didn't form properly. You couldn't have done anything."

"They're right," whispered Debbie.

Daniela shook her head.

"But the worst part-" she swallowed more stifled tears. "The worst part is when you realise, in that moment, that you've lost them. That...cold shower just washes over you and you're just...there in pain, bleeding and you know that there is nothing you can do to stop it. Where you just feel the life inside of you die out. And so you just have to grit your teeth and get through the pain because your body decided it just couldn't handle it."

Tears coated Debbie's cheeks but the woman's were barely wet.

"I'm so sorry," she cried. Her arms wrapped around her friend's body as she rested her head in the crook of her neck.

Daniela's eyes shut, pushing the first tear out. Her hand gripped onto the forearm across her chest. She let her head tilt to rest atop of Debbie's and stroked her arm in comfort. Debbie's body shook against her and the sound of her sobs were muffled by the blanket now covering the both of them.

They remained like that until Debbie's cries morphed into sniffles.

"Shit, Debs." Daniela pulled back slightly. Her hands moved to cup her face and she wiped at her damp cheeks. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have heard that."

"No," refuted the girl. "It's fine. I'm glad you're talking to me."

Daniela squeezed her hand and sighed. "Yeah, well. You're probably the only person who kind of gets it." A small smile worked its way onto her face as she nodded her head. "How is she?"

Debbie looked down, feeling her own smile rise.

"Good. I've felt her moving around more and more these last few days." That caused the woman's smile to grow even further. Debbie bit down on her lip. "I wasn't just visiting," she admitted. "I don't wanna stay with Erica anymore. And I thought that, you know, since Carl technically owns the house, he'd let me move back in."

Daniela's face shifted. "And no luck?"

Debbie shook her head. "I didn't ask."

"Why not?"

"Because I know Fiona wouldn't say yes."

Daniela released a small sound and pulled the girl closer. "Well, if you want, you can stay here." Debbie's head lifted off of her shoulder. "At least for the night. A little longer if you need it. Just until you figure things out with Fiona."

"Really?"

"Of course." Daniela kissed her forehead. "We can go pick up your stuff from Erica's in the morning."

With a sigh, she stood up. Her hand lingered in the space between them, waiting for Debbie to accept it. She did; curling her fingers around Daniela's as she gestured to the house.

"Come on."

Debbie allowed herself to be led upstairs. Her head turned to the right, spying Daniela's bedroom door slightly open and the outline of Lip sleeping there.

Glancing back, she saw Daniela holding some clean sheets and pillows. She followed her into the spare room and sat on one of the unused beds as Daniela prepared the other. When she had, she slipped out again and returned with some sweatpants and a sweatshirt for Debbie to change into.

Once she was changed, she got into bed. Her hands smoothed over the blanket as Daniela came in to say goodnight.

"You warm enough?" She asked, perching herself on the edge of the mattress. Debbie nodded and she smiled softly. "That's good. I'm just in the other room if you need anything. And don't hesitate to make yourself some breakfast in the morning if I'm still asleep."

Debbie nodded again. Suddenly, she felt more like a fifteen-year-old than she had in a long time.

"Thank you," she said. She felt a lump form in her throat.

Daniela pursed her lips and nodded. "I feel better knowing you two are somewhere safe."

Debbie smiled at that and felt her daughter shift in her stomach. With a final goodnight and a kiss on the head from Daniela, the girl was left in the room alone. She sucked in a breath and settled into the bed. She could feel the exhaustion creeping up on her and allowed her body to succumb to it.


.

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I really enjoyed writing this one, especially the last part with Debbie. Hopefully, you enjoyed reading it! Thank you for your continued support, it really means a lot.

Let me know what you thought!