Draco's face was pressed into Tori's hair, and he inhaled the vanilla scent deeply. He kept his eyes closed, but couldn't escape the light filling the room. He knew this moment would come. He knew he'd have to get some distance and leave her. But selfishly he stayed just a few moments more, all too aware of his arm wrapped around her waist, and the way it rose then fell with each of Tori's sleeping breaths.
It was like he'd been living somebody else's life from the moment he saw that prick get rough with her in the Leaky Cauldron. Nothing else mattered, not while Tori was in danger. Nor when she was drenched in her own blood. Draco's heart hammered and his stomach lurched at the memory, at how powerless he'd felt. A coward.
Tori stirred, stretching her arms above her head and rubbing her eyes. Draco pulled his arm away as inconspicuously as he could manage, shuffling as far away as the bed would allow. He needed to go home and shower. Or rather, back to Zabini's. There was no home anymore.
Tori rolled over to face him. "Good morning."
"Morning."
Her eyes were still heavy, blinking slowly and fighting to drag her back to sleep.
"Sleep some more," Draco said. "You need it."
"I'm not tired," Tori mumbled, stifling a yawn.
"Sleep," Draco ordered. He wouldn't have her weakened on his behalf.
"When did you get so bossy?" she asked. Her forehead creased in concern. "Are you leaving?"
Fuck. He'd been hoping to avoid this. He should have disapparated before she woke up. How could he leave her like this, silently pleading him to stay?
"I have to go home. There's something Blaise needs my help with."
"Why is Blaise at your house?"
Draco sighed. Damn politician — correspondent — and her observations.
"I'm staying at his," he said, leaping out of bed and trying to tug the creases from his clothes.
"Why?"
"I'll tell you another time."
Draco hesitated for a moment, then decided a line had been crossed now, anyway. He was breaking her heart whatever more happened, so the gesture would be harmless. He bent in close and pressed his lips to Tori's forehead.
"Sleep. I mean it."
He strode from the room, hearing her mumbled whisper.
"When will I see you again?"
He paused at the door, then decided it was best not to answer.
Tori weighed on his mind all day. By mid-afternoon, he could bear it no longer. He had to check she was okay, and so he apparated back to her place. Before he reached the door, he saw her through the large sitting room window. She was sat reading a book, her dark hair swung forward and her lips pressed together in concentration. With great difficulty, Draco tore himself away from the scene and returned to Zabini's. She didn't need him any longer. Only by nightfall did Draco realise that, sleeping beside her, he'd been free of nightmares for the first time in over two years.
The few days that followed dragged like torture. Draco could do little more than slump around the house, scowling at Blaise and Hestia if they dared so much as speak in his presence. His mind kept churning out excuses to see Astoria again, and a silent battle began to wage.
If you really care about her, you'll leave her alone. She can do better.
Maybe she wants you.
Maybe she only wants the idea of me.
Maybe you could try harder to be friends.
That's a pathetic excuse.
"What's going on with you?" Blaise dared to ask one evening. "I thought you were just coming down from Euphoria or something, but that doesn't last for days."
"Nothing," Draco grumbled.
Blaise glanced around. Hestia had gone out to meet a friend, meaning their conversation went unheard. "Is it your dad?"
"Yeah," Draco lied, jumping on the excuse. "Yeah, that's it."
Zabini breathed. "You know he'll be okay, don't you? He's a smart man. He wouldn't endanger you, not like he did last time."
Draco raised his eyebrows. "You just want me out of your place."
"To be honest mate, you're not great company at the moment."
Draco stood. "I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed."
Blaise gaped. "It's not even six!"
"I'll be up early in the morning," Draco mumbled. "Might even come into work with you."
Zabini sighed. "Whatever."
Draco stepped into the shower, turning the hot tap as far as it would go. He liked the warmth, the heat. The punishment that came with the nurture. The reddening of his skin, and heavy fog that formed in the air. He leant back, wiping the water through his hair and down his face. Unbidden images of Tori came to his mind — the way she'd looked the night of the penseive. The way she'd nuzzled into his neck in her sleep. The way she'd looked, tasted, when they kissed that first night, high on Euphoria. The memory of her teeth grazing his lip sent blood rushing to his groin, and he grew hard within seconds.
Though he was far from a virgin — Pansy and a handful of other Slytherin girls had seen to that — such urges rarely struck Draco so urgently. Not when he was alone. And though he tried to stop himself, tried to remind himself that such acts would only heighten his confusion for the girl, he couldn't help but stroke himself as the images flooded his mind, as though on rotation. He imagined placing a hand just below the hem of her green skirt, on the back of her thigh. He imagined running his hand higher, to grasp her bare ass, while she whimpered softly. He hadn't even made it to third base in his fantasy, but just the thought of her being his, of wanting him to touch her, to fuck her, made Draco erupt in ecstasy. He leant on his forearm braced against the shower wall, panting, groaning.
The shower made cleanup easy — a small mercy. Draco finished washing and then wrapped a towel around his waist, his hair flopped wet on his forehead and bare chest glistening. He wrenched the bathroom door open and strolled across the landing to his bedroom, hoping Zabini would have enough sense not to push their earlier discussion.
Instead, waiting inside, was Astoria herself.
Draco's mouth dropped in surprise. She was sat on his bed, or rather, Zabini's spare bed, but jumped up at the sight of him. Her cheeks flushed pink and she looked determinedly at the floor.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude," she blushed.
Fuck. Had she heard him?
"Blaise said just to come up and see you," she explained. "I didn't realise you were in the shower. I thought I'd just wait."
"You didn't hear the running water?" Draco asked, shifting uncomfortably. He wanted to get out of this damn towel, but he couldn't exactly get dressed with her here.
"I didn't know it was you."
Draco rolled his eyes. He couldn't help the annoyance that was rising in him. It was bad enough to have her clogging his thoughts, his desires. He didn't need her in his physical space, too. He was trying to detox from her, for god's sake. And spectacularly fucking up at it.
"I just came to ask something."
Draco sighed. "What?"
"Oliver sent those tickets," she said, scuffing a foot against the carpet and still avoiding Draco's eyes. "I wondered if you'd like to go to the game with me."
Draco opened his mouth to refuse, but she spoke again.
"Not in a weird way," she insisted. "I just, well, I don't actually have anyone else to ask. It's a bit embarrassing, really."
"What about that Weasley girl?" Draco stalled.
"She's got her own practice."
"Your sister?"
"Absent." Tori looked at him then, narrowing her eyes. "Why don't you want to go?"
"It's not really my thing," Draco said.
Tori nodded. "Okay. Well, maybe we could do something else."
"Why?"
He must have wound her up more than she let on, because suddenly she unleashed on him in a burst of anger.
"What the fuck is your problem, Malfoy? You come to my house, you cook me dinner, you sleep next to me all night. Then you just fuck off like nothing ever happened. What's up with that?"
Draco wanted to kick himself. A surge of self-loathing rushed through him at what he would have to say, have to do.
"I would have done it for anyone. It's basic kindness, Astoria."
"No," she pressed. Fuck's sake. "It's not, Draco. Stop lying to me!"
Tori marched across to him, until they were inches apart. He could have counted each eyelash, each light freckle on her nose. She crossed her arms and scowled.
"It's not fair. It's not fair for you to keep blowing hot and cold, to keep fucking me over. It hurts, Draco."
He drew a deep breath. "Fine. I won't anymore. I'll stay away from you."
"You've been doing a fine job of that already," she said.
Draco thought he might come apart at the seams. He pressed the base of his palms to his eyes, trying not to scream in frustration. Remembering the thin walls, he cast a hissed muffliato at the door. Zabini wouldn't be getting a free show, that was for sure.
"You don't fucking understand," he spat.
"Try me."
"No, Tori. You've got no idea." He glared at her, frustration overtaking the way her eyes made him feel, his own vulnerability at being essentially naked with her less than a step away. "I can't love, Tori. Don't you get that? I'm a death eater. He chose me because I can't love. He branded me." He thrust his forearm between them, where the dark mark had barely begun to fade. "I'm off the cards. I'm damaged goods. You're looking for some fairytale ending, and it's one that I can't give you."
She stayed silent for a few moments, not breaking eye contact. "I don't believe that for a second. That's some bullshit excuse you've given yourself."
"Oh, fuck off!" he roared. "Don't come in here and give me this shit!"
"Fine!" Astoria screamed, stepping back against the wall. She pulled her wand free, her eyes wild and frenzied. She placed the wand to her throat, the tip pushing in against the skin. Beads of blood began to form. "If I'm nothing to you, you won't fucking care about this!"
Draco almost choked on his own breath. "What are you doing? Put it away."
Astoria only pressed harder, and a trickle of blood ran down her skin. "I'll slice it wide open. Right here, right now. You're a big nasty death eater, aren't you? You won't care. You can't feel anything."
"Fucking put it away!" Draco shouted. He marched the three steps across the room, seizing her by the wand arm. He tried to rip it away, but her muscles locked up tight.
"Not until you admit it!" she shouted.
"What's wrong with you? You're fucking crazy!"
"You have no idea the week I've been through!" Tears streamed down Tori's face. "I lost my job. Marcus fired me. He told everyone it's because I'm a death eater, and now my own friends won't speak to me. And then you disappear off the face of the earth, and you try to feed me this shit!"
"Put the wand down," Draco urged, lowering his voice.
"Not until you admit it."
"Admit what!"
"The real reason you pull away from me!"
"Fine!" Draco roared, releasing his hold on her. "You want to know, Astoria? You really want to know?"
"Yes." She trembled.
"You… You fucking terrify me!" Draco tightened his towel with one hand. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since the first day we met, in Podmore's office. I returned Daphne's book that day because I had a feeling, I hoped I'd run into you there. I left you that night," his voice shook, "the first night, the Euphoria night, because you're too pure and decent. You'll meet some nice Ravenclaw and have dinner with his parents and he'll marry you within the year, and you'll live in some little cottage in Wales and have five kids and they'll be Ravenclaw too, and I… I can't give you that."
Daphne lowered her wand slowly, but Draco could not stop. It felt good to unleash the anguish from his head, to release the tension that had been weighing on him for weeks.
"When I saw you talking with Wood, at Macmillan's, I realised he'd be able to give you a life I never will. I hated him for it. No, I hated myself for it. I'm fucked up, Tori, because I want to kill any guy I see you with. But I can't take you myself. You're upset Marcus told people you're a death eater? Do you realise how much worse you'll get if you're with me? A Malfoy? You deserve… so much better."
"Then why," she shook. "Why lead me on?"
"Because I'm selfish. Because I try to fool myself, and give myself these little moments with you."
Tori stepped forward. "What if I only want you? What if I don't want Wood, or some Ravenclaw from Wales?"
"I'd never forgive myself," Draco whispered.
Tori stepped even closer, placing a tender hand on Draco's cheek. "Stop torturing yourself."
"It's not that easy."
She leant in, her face only inches from his. Draco felt his breath quicken. Nerves pooled in his stomach, sending tingling jolts through every cell of his body. He wanted her so badly. And she did not deny him.
The moment their lips met, euphoria soared through Draco more strongly than any potion. He groaned, leaning in more deeply, and parting her lips with his own tongue. His arms found her waist, her back, roaming the curves of her body. He placed a hand either side of her neck, his thumb dampening with the last of her blood. At this, and the briefest memory flash of Tori's wand at her own throat, Draco's need deepened.
He spun them both around. His hips pinned Tori against the wall, holding her in place while his tongue ran down her neck. He nipped at the skin below her jaw while she whimpered, her fingers locking into his hair and tugging gently. It would be so easy to take her like this, to drop his towel and rip off her jeans and feed the craving deep inside him. But he couldn't bear to tarnish her. Not with his skin, not with his seed. He stopped then, releasing a sigh.
"Draco…"
He pressed his forehead against hers. "You need to go."
"Don't do this." She linked her fingers into his own. "Draco, I can't bear any more of this. Please."
"You need to go," he repeated firmly.
She opened her eyes to meet his, fire blazing in the green and gold. "You realise what this means?"
"Yes."
"I can't do this again. I can't."
"I know."
She bit her lip, still swollen from their passion. Draco soaked in every inch of her that he could see, knowing it might be the last time he saw her. He refused to break down. At least in front of her. But his insides felt like they had caved in. A stinging, a throbbing, pounded in his chest.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
And Draco knew that for the rest of his life, he would not forget the pain that seared Astoria's face, mirroring how he felt inside.
