Oh, I'm a mess right now
Inside out
Searching for a sweet surrender
But this is not the end
I can't work it out
How going through the motions
Going through us
And oh I've known it for the longest time
And all my hopes
All of my own words
Are all overwritten on the signs
But you're on my road
Walking me home
-I'm A Mess / Ed Sheeran
It was a new day for Zane Specter Litt. New Associates, new Managing Partner, but no new COO. Harvey hadn't agreed to replace Donna, in hopes that she would come back and reclaim her position, and so did Louis. He knew that if there was one person that fit in that position, it was her, so he supported Harvey, and no one tried to argue anymore.
Two months, that's how long it had been since Mike, Rachel, and Donna's departure. Well, the newlyweds' decision did not surprise anyone in the firm but Donna's? That one no one saw coming. But one thing they were sure of, it had something to do with Harvey. Therefore, it didn't shock them that he had been a mess since she left.
Robert had heard some whispers from his daughter and son-in-law, but it wasn't in his nature to get involved in his employee's personal life. Dropping some files on Harvey's empty desk and turning to leave, he was caught off guard by the person he saw walking down the corridor toward him.
"Jessica. Nice to see you, but what are you doing here?" Robert greeted the lady as she made her way into her mentee's office.
"Can't I visit my old firm?" Jessica chuckled. It was awkward to speak with Robert since he's the new managing partner and she missed the job.
"Your firm or your kid? Because if that's the reason why you are here, I am telling you, he's the worst," he briefed Harvey's mentor, actually worried for the younger lawyer.
Harvey hadn't been himself for a while now. He had been even more intolerable than usual, his decanter had been refilled almost daily, and worst of all, the panic attacks that he was having were worse than before.
"Which is why I'm here, now where the hell is he?" Jessica asked as they stepped into the empty office.
"He's not around yet and we can't reach him so maybe he's still sleeping like a baby," Robert told her and his voice was portraying clearly that he was not happy about what was happening to Harvey either. It was a good thing that Jessica came to check up on him.
"Son of a bitch. Keep your lines open, I'm going to go over to his place," Jessica uttered as she made her way to the elevator.
After a short drive, that was made to feel longer by all the dreadful scenarios running through her head, she arrived at his condo. Thankfully, she knew how to get in, so there was no need to knock.
"We're going to talk and we're going to fix whatever you are dealing with right now. I didn't spend all this money on you just to see you wasting your precious fucking life away." Jessica stomped into the apartment and threw her handbag on the counter. No one answered and the room was empty, so she instantly went to his room and to her surprise…
"Harvey, mother fucker, wake up, White Boy. Holy mother, shit." Jessica cursed as she saw the young man unconsciously lying on the floor. Hurriedly, she fished her phone out of her pocket and hit the numbers.
"911, what's your emergency?"
"Yes, please, I need an ambulance. My friend, he's unconscious."
They rushed him to Mount Sinai and had him checked out. Jessica messaged Robert on the phone to let him know of the situation. Fortunately, Harvey did not have a heart attack, nor a panic attack. It had been the amount of alcohol that he had been drinking.
The doctor advised them that they could take him home once he was awake and that he needed to reduce his liquor intake or it will lead to an alcohol poisoning that they couldn't save him from.
Once finished with the doctor, Jessica went into his room.
"Jessica? What are you doing here, scratch that, what am I doing here?" Harvey asked. Now awake, he was surprised to see his mentor with him at the hospital.
"First, nice seeing you. Second, I am here because of you. Third, you're here because I saved you. Jesus, what the hell are you doing, Harvey? You almost died!" Jessica snapped, she hadn't planned that of course, she planned on being easy on him but that was going south obviously.
"Then you could have just let me." He rolled his eyes, then let out a sigh.
Jessica threw him a death glare. "No, I won't let you waste whatever is in you. So, for once you're going to listen to me," she said in a firm and commanding tone.
"What do you want? Me going back to work? Fine. I'll do it. You got what you need? You can leave me now. Like everyone else." It's his turn to snap now, he's just so tired of watching everyone leave and this situation isn't helping either.
"Harvey, I didn't leave you. I'm still here, you can always talk to me." Jessica looked at Harvey apologetically. She knew the brusque side of him, but this was one of the few times she saw him looking like this. Forlorn. Lost.
"But she's not, Jessica. She is not here. She left me." His voice broke.
"I know. But that doesn't mean that you have to stop living your life," Jessica uttered and took his hand into hers. They usually didn't do this, but Harvey needed her to be his rock, his surrogate Mom, as she always was, in a way.
"She's my life, Jessica. And I feel like shit for screwing it up," he sobs as she reaches out to hug him. He can't help but feel helpless. He was not used to being vocal about his feelings and right at this moment, admitting to Jessica what he told Donna that night puts a big lump in his throat.
"Yeah, you did screw up big time, but you can still fix it, Harv." There was nothing that Jessica could do but comfort him and make him feel like he was not alone.
"I'm trying. I have been seeing Lipschitz for the past two months but it's so hard, you know. We've been together for 13 years, in those years she put me first but then I made her leave by choosing someone over her, and I miss her. It's just that I can't tell her how much I love her, and it sucks. I'm so bad with words and I just can't do it." No one knew he's been seeing another therapist, not even Louis.
Knowing this is a big aid to Jessica that will help her fix him. Because as much as Lipschitz is helping him mentally, that wasn't the only area that needed to be fixed.
"One month Harvey," Jessica whispered.
"What?" He took a distant look at his mentor and all he could see were her eyes that were telling him that she would help him feel okay again.
Jessica let out a sigh before she explained their plan. "I'm giving you one month to see Lipschitz and to wait for Donna to come back, but if she doesn't and you don't get better without her here, I'm putting you into rehab." She was not the only one who came up with this plan, Robert suggested it too.
"No, you can't do that. I have clients. And what will everyone say if the best goddamn closer in New York goes to a rehabilitation center, huh?" Harvey explained, he knew that she was doing this for his own sake, and he knew that he couldn't continue like this, but he also couldn't just leave.
"Your clients will be handled by Katrina and Louis, and I promise, no one will know that you'll be there. It's just you, me, and Robert."
He smirked. "You did plan this did you?"
Jessica chuckled then raised her hands in surrender. "Yes, and it's for your own good So rest up, because you have a big mission waiting for you, Batman."
Knowing that Jessica had her spies all over the office, Harvey moved drinking to his house exclusively. His favorite glasses and decanter left the office and found a new home on his bedside table. He had nothing to celebrate and no one to drink with at the firm anyway. He was up and at his desk by 7am every morning which was easy because he usually woke up around 3am and never managed to fall back asleep after. He kept almost all his appointments, only yelled at two Associates - as far as he could remember, refused his services to just one new client - but she was a redhead and Robert should have known better, and went to see Stan Lipschitz more often than not. He was functioning. He wasn't back to normal and he knew he would never be, but no one else should be able to tell.
After a month, his mentor came all the way back from Chicago to hear the results that his therapist gave to Robert - with Harvey's consent.
"Jessica, Harvey, I now have Stan's final assessment for this month, and we can read it together. You may take your seats," Robert started. Once they were all settled, he opened the envelope and took out the letter declaring Harvey's development for the month.
"This evaluation states that Harvey is suggested to check into a rehabilitation center for an initial 60 days."
"The fuck there is." Harvey slammed his fist on the table.
He had been more open at therapy and hoped that that was all it took to make him stay home. Little did he know that no matter how much he behaved in sessions, he would have still been sent into a rehabilitation facility if he didn't quit drinking.
"Harvey," Jessica called out. "Harvey, we had a talk, and you are a man of your word. So, if you are going to break it, I am putting out a press release stating that you are in no condition to practice law. Now, go do rehab or have yourself in shame," his mentor threatened. Sure, Jessica would never do it, but it didn't hurt to try and blackmail him.
"Well, I guess that's it, Kid." Robert shrugged his shoulders, feeling sorry for the man in front of him.
"Fine," Harvey surrendered. "But please, don't tell anyone. Not even Mike and Rachel. I know that they're still in contact with her and I don't want to see her coming back here out of pity."
His former and current boss just nodded.
Monday came and with it, the time for Harvey to go. He packed his things and gave his phone to the managing partner. He would have been allowed supervised time with it at the facility, but he made the trip to the office to leave it anyway. They already notified his clients and the partners of his absence in the coming months. His friends, and especially Louis, asked for more information, but they didn't push it. They saw him and knew that no matter where he was going, he needed time away to get better.
"You take care of yourself, Kid." Robert slapped him on the back in an encouraging manner. "We'll handle things for you here. Zane Specter Litt will welcome you with open arms once it's all done," Robert reassured him. Harvey just smiled at him.
"Thank you, Robert. Please keep your promise, will you?" Harvey asks to make sure.
"I promise. No one will know."
The partner bid his goodbye and then left.
Donna stood outside the building she had worked in for almost a decade and a half and the feelings inside her are mixed. She was happy to be back there again, but she was afraid that everything had changed and maybe, that he did change too.
"Donna! What a surprise!" Her thoughts were interrupted by a blonde that she knew.
"Katrina, hey. Look at you!" Donna exclaimed and then hugged the young lawyer.
"How are you, Donna? You look—"
"Different? Well, I am having a good time in Seattle. How about you? And the firm?" she muttered, making a point talking about how great her life was.
"I'm fine, Donna." Katrina smiled. "And well, the firm is still adjusting." She sighed as she waved her hands in defeat.
"You haven't adjusted yet? Oh my gosh, it has been a while since Mike, Rachel, and I left. That's a long time for you guys to move on." Donna sounded surprised, but the truth was, she knew that it must have been hard losing three great influences at the firm.
"Well, no one could ever replace you, Donna. And no, it's not just you guys that we lost—" Katrina stopped when she realized what just came out of her mouth.
With Donna being her intuitive self, Katrina stopping herself, it raised suspicion with her. "Why?" she asked, all the while not quite ready to hear the answer. She knew that whatever it was, the firm was at stake.
"Shit. Uhm— I am sorry, Donna, but I must go. Maybe I see you some other time? Sorry again and nice seeing you." The young lawyer excused herself before Donna could even get a word in.
Not convinced by Katrina's cover-up gibberish, Donna tried to think of the easiest way to get some information, and so she knocked on one of the office doors only a few minutes later.
"Your secretary said that I can't come in because I don't have an appointment, but I know that you'll make time for me because I'm—"
"Donna! Oh my God!" Louis cried out seeing his good friend. Truth is, they didn't lose contact, but she did not mention that she would be coming to town either.
"How are you, Louis? I heard the news, congratulations!" Donna hugged her soon-to-be-father friend.
When they released each other's grips, he replied. "Thanks, Donna. Well, work overload in here and Sheila and I are still adjusting to our new setup. How about you? You look awesome!" Louis stated, evidently amazed by the 5-foot-9 tall woman in front of him.
"Don't I always look awesome?" She winked. "Just kidding. Well, I miss this firm more than I can say, but Seattle's great."
"I'm glad you're happy, Don." Her friend sincerely said.
She nodded. "Me too, Louis."
"But I'm sure you didn't come up here just to congratulate me, so what is it?" After years of being friends, Louis learned how to read Donna as well.
She bit her lower lip, feeling caught out. "Well, I left things here in a bad state and I haven't heard from him in a while so I thought maybe he and I could talk? Is he around?" Judging by Louis's expression, she knew it was her turn to catch him in an excuse.
"I can't answer your question if he would want but to talk but, Donna, I'm afraid, he's not here." Louis shook his head, forehead sweating, not sure if he just spilled the secret that they are instructed to keep from the people outside the firm and most importantly, outside New York.
"What do you mean, he's not here?" Donna asked, her body shaking ever so slightly but her face clearly giving away that she was more nervous than ever." Is there something you're not telling me, Louis?" She asked again, walking closer to the partner.
"I'm so sorry, but I am not the right person to talk when it comes to Harvey, Donna," Louis said as he stood up from his chair, walking over to her, to comfort his now teared up friend.
"Louis, if it's not you then who else?" She held Louis's hands as she inquired.
"Me," a deep voice spoke up behind her. Slowly, she turned around and saw the managing partner standing in the doorway.
"Robert," Donna whispered. The man just nodded, then waved his hand. "Come on, Red. I'll explain everything to you," Robert said, then ushered the woman to his office.
Robert explained the matter, gently, to not force her into a breakdown. But even so, Donna was now crying, part of her blaming herself, reminiscing what happened the last time she left his desk, then, what she did today.
"Oh my god. I did it to him, didn't I?" Donna asked. Robert handed his handkerchief over to her, which she accepted shakingly.
"No, Donna. You did not," the gentleman said, holding her in his arms like a daughter. "Maybe the leaving part triggered it, but it's not on you," he continued, caressing her back as she sobbed into his shoulder.
"Can I see him? Please, Robert. I really need to see him." Donna begged. She never begged but it's Harvey, and she just felt the need to see how he is now after all those months that passed.
Robert released her out of his arms then looked at her puffy eyes. "I'm sorry, Red. I think now's not the time, but if you don't mind, I'll be visiting him later and maybe I could tell him that you came and you wanted to talk? It's just that I don't want to waste the time he spent there to improve, and then have it all go back to zero just because he wasn't ready to see you."
The managing partner might have sounded overprotective, but Donna knew it was probably the best for both of them because she didn't know if she was ready to see him like that either.
"I understand, Robert, no need to explain. Give me a call if he decides he wants to see me, okay?" She nodded at the older man. "And thank you for taking care of him." She managed to give him a sincere smile. Robert gladly returned it.
"As much as I want to take the credit, it's Jessica who flew across the country to check on him, so I think you owe her one, too."
Donna just nodded, then saw her way out.
Later that day, Donna went to her apartment. She did not sell it, exactly for this kind of purpose, and because she wasn't ready to let go of the memories made in this place yet. She changed into a sweater and yoga pants, put her hair in a bun, then poured herself a glass of wine, and made herself comfortable on her couch.
Just when she took her first sip, her phone rang. Rachel. The Rosses knew that she was in New York for a week and by now, they probably already heard from Robert.
She looked at her wine, then at her phone again, hesitating whether to pick it up or not. She was mad at herself, but she couldn't just take that out on her friends, so she answered.
"Hey Rach," she greeted the other woman, clearly not in the mood for talking but she also knew she needed to let it out or it would eat her alive.
"Donna. How is it going there?" Her friend asked in a sweet tone.
She sighed before answering. "Bad. As in, Rach, a bomb was just dropped on me and I don't know how to handle it," she explained, taking another sip of wine.
"Oh my god, you know about Harvey, don't you?"
Now Donna was confused. How did they know?
"You knew?" Donna asked, still in shock from all the revelations.
"Yes, I'm sorry," Rachel said apologetically.
"You guys knew? All along?" Her voice broke. How could they keep this from me? Rach, he went to rehab, he had massive panic attacks, he got hospitalized because of me. How could you keep this from me? How?" She broke out in tears again. When she heard a deep sigh coming from the other side of the line, she continued. "You're my friend, Rachel. My best friend other than Harvey. If I knew how badly he was coping with it, I would have answered his calls and talked about it with him, but no, you made me keep him at arm's length and let him being taken over by anger." She was not blaming them for what happened to Harvey, she was just disappointed that they kept it from her.
"I know, Donna. I'm so sorry." Now it wasn't just Donna who was crying. Rachel knew that Mike and here were just as much at fault here too.
"How did you know? How?" Donna's voice was trembling, and her mind was spiraling from the information that was dropped in front of her.
"Well, Mike lost contact with him. He wasn't replying to our texts anymore, so we tried to ask dad, and he told me, but he made us swear to not tell you due to Harvey's request," Rachel uttered, suppressing her tears.
"Why would he do that?" Donna asked, putting her wine glass down at the table and then hugged her knees close to her chest.
"Because he didn't want you to come back out of pity, Donna. He wanted to be the man that you deserve, and he wanted to do it quietly."
She remembered the things that happened before she left. Paula. Her leaving the firm. Him tearing up the resignation letter. Them making out in front of her apartment door. And lastly, her pushing him away.
"You can't just kiss me like nothing happened, Harvey. You can't just be with me after a breakup. You can't. Your mind isn't thinking clearly. I'm so sorry."
"I can't believe you hide it from me," Donna whispered as she sobbed.
"I'm so sorry, Don." Rachel apologized again but Donna just ended the call.
"Hey, man! How are you?" Harvey greeted Robert with a huge Cheshire cat grin, obviously in a good mood.
"I'm good, Harvey. How about you? You look lighter," Robert complimented, then gave the man a hug.
He nodded. "Yeah, this rehabilitation really helped me. I owe you so much," Harvey replied in his most appreciative tone.
"Good to know that." Robert returned the smile.
"Tell me about the firm, you haven't burned it down yet, eh?" Harvey joked. He missed work but it also felt good to have time for himself. His mom visited him on weekends to catch up and make sure that he had books to read. Mostly law books of course.
"Things in the firm are going just fine. Alex and Sam are handling your clients because Louis and Sheila are expecting a little Litt," the managing partner explained.
"Woah, that's huge. Tell me more," Harvey uttered, ever so eager to hear news from his firm.
Robert told him about the new clients and their current statistics for the last months and Harvey can't help but smile at the stories that he heard. Truly, he missed a lot and he just couldn't wait to go back to work.
"Well, there's one more thing that I wanted to tell you before I go," Robert muttered, his voice shifting into a serious tone.
"Sure," Harvey mumbled.
"I don't know exactly what this will do to you, but promise me you'll continue doing great in here—"
"She's back, isn't she?" Harvey asked, trying to confirm his gut feeling.
"How'd you know?" Robert asked back.
"Thirteen years, Robert. I have been with her every single day so I might have learned how to read people just like her by now." He smiled, not as wide as before, but he did.
"You two are truly inseparable. So here it is, she came asking where you are, and I told her you were here. She wants to come see you, but don't you worry, I told her that I will ask you first because I don't want you to face each other without you being ready," the man explained.
Truly, Harvey was blessed to have people like Robert around him that helped him in these times and were ready to protect him.
"Thanks for that, Robert. Really it's a big deal." He nodded, clearly understanding the point.
"You're like a son to me already, Harvey. The way you guided my daughter and Mike is such a big thing to me, so I'm just returning the favor," Robert explained. "I know you asked me not to tell anyone, but she was inconsolable, and it was the only way to keep her from thinking something even worse happened."
"It's okay, Robert. Truly." He knew that in the end, none of this was worth it if Donna ended up needing more help than him.
"So, have you decided already?"
"Yes, tell her I'll see her tomorrow." Harvey smiled, knowing that he was ready to see her again, to talk to her, and maybe, just maybe, settle things with her for their peace of mind.
"Are you sure?" His friend hesitated.
"I'm sure." He nodded then. "Don't worry, I got this," Harvey assured him.
Robert looked at him, then agreed. "I believe in you, Harvey. Now, pull your shit together because you'll be out in one more month." They both smiled.
"I will. Thanks again, Robert."
The next day, Donna went to the center wearing her favorite burgundy dress as an armor. She fidgeted with the hem out of nervousness. Looking down she heard footsteps coming from beside her.
"Hey." She looked up and there he was, the man whom she did not see for what feels like the longest time of her life, wearing his famous Cheshire smile.
Donna stood up then walked straight up into his arms. "I'm sorry, Harvey." She sobbed while hugging him tight. Harvey just held her.
"Shh, stop crying," he comforted her, kissing her hair.
"I'm so sorry, oh my god." She continued to sob in his arms while all he could do is to think about the fact that they're here now. It's his chance to make things right.
He released her, then lifted her chin to face him. "Stop. I don't want to see you crying. Especially if I am the reason," Harvey said as he looked into her eyes. God, how he missed her.
"But I did this to you. I did this, Harvey," Donna continued, avoiding his gaze. He guided her to a seat, then settled them both. They're not touching but he can still feel her.
"No, you didn't. I did," Harvey said, then took her hand, putting it on his thigh. "Now if you don't stop crying, I won't talk to you and I will walk back to my room." This just made her cry even more. He chuckled, then caged her in his arms, slowly rocking them side to side to release the tension between them.
"Just kidding. I'm just trying to make you feel lighter, okay? Now calm down and we'll talk," Harvey said, slowly rubbing up and down her back soothingly.
"I love you, Harvey. I'm so sorry." Donna lifted her head, looking deep into his eyes.
"I love you too, Donna. You are everything to me, and I'm ready to tell you how and why," he says, closing the distance, his lips brushing against hers, words translating into actions that her could feel.
And with that, he knew they were going to be okay.
