Chapter 21
The wind whipped Ursa's hair around her face and the waves lapped against the metal of the ship as she stood at the bow of the ship looking out at sea. In the distance, Ursa could see the shoreline of Ember Island. She hadn't been there since she was a little girl but Fire Lord Azulon had suggested that they take a vacation to get away from the palace for a little while and Ozai had jumped at the suggestion. Ursa didn't feel up to going to the beach but she didn't have the energy to argue with Ozai about getting away from the palace for a little while.
The last few weeks came to her in bursts. When she closed her eyes she saw Ozai holding her as she sobbed, the midwives taking away their son who was much too small and born much too early. She could remember the look in Ozai's eyes, the grief of losing his firstborn son, and she knew that it was reflected in her own eyes. The funeral that they had for the baby, who they named Kato, had been the second hardest day of her life. Saying goodbye to him had been just as painful as the day that they lost him. She had been so ready and excited to be a mom and she didn't understand what she had done wrong to lose their son. She didn't know how she was supposed to go on without him.
How did mothers go on when they lost their children? She had naively thought that it would never happen to her. But now she had to deal with the unimaginable grief that Kato was gone and she wasn't going to be a mother. But she felt like a mother. They had the cradle in the nursery and she had started to get things ready for him. And now…now he was never going to use that room, was never going to sleep in his cradle. She couldn't even bear to go into that room these days. The door was shut and hadn't been opened since before they lost him.
She didn't notice Ozai approaching her until he was standing beside her. He didn't say anything at first he just stood there, looking out to sea with her. They hadn't talked a lot about losing Kato. Ursa spent most of her time at her mom's house or in the garden and Ozai had thrown himself into work with his father. She still didn't know if she was ready to talk about losing their son.
"It's going to be okay," Ozai finally said, breaking their silence. "We're going to have a son one day."
Ursa looked up and over at him with tears falling down her cheeks. "I just want our son that we lost."
Ozai sighed and leaned over and kissed her head. "I know," he said, his voice tight with emotion. "I want him too."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Ursa whimpered.
"It's not your fault," Ozai replied, pulling her into his arms and holding onto her tightly. She sobbed into his chest; the fabric of his shirt was wound tightly in her left hand. "Ursa, it's not your fault. The midwives said so. They said that there was nothing we could have done differently. You heard them."
Ursa shook her head. "I should have known that something was wrong. I should have known that he needed help."
Ozai shook his head. "You can't think like that, Ursa. It's going to drive you crazy."
Ursa just broke even more and Ozai held her tightly as she cried. She just wanted this pain to stop. She wanted it all to stop. She didn't know how long they stood like that, but eventually, she felt like she had cried all of her tears and she pulled away from Ozai. He let her go and she reached up and wiped her eyes, knowing that she probably looked awful.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, Prince Ozai, but we are preparing to dock," the captain said, refusing to look at Ursa.
"Thank you," Ozai replied. He turned to Ursa. "Why don't you go wash up, we're going to dock in just a few minutes."
"Okay," Ursa said, looking out at the water one last time. She could see Ember Island much clearer now, and she knew that soon, they would be at the beach house.
Ursa walked back to the door to the inside of the ship and she looked back at Ozai one last time, but he wasn't looking at her, but instead, he was deep in conversation with the captain. She pulled the door open and walked into the bustling hallway to servants who bowed to her and avoided her gaze like most people did these days. She knew that her grief made them uncomfortable and that people didn't know how to handle her. She pushed forward and went down to her bedroom.
She closed her door behind her and closed her eyes, which felt swollen and painful, and knew that everybody would know that she had been crying even if they didn't see her breakdown. Ursa glanced in the mirror and sighed at her windswept hair and swollen red eyes and knew that she looked nothing like the princess that she was supposed to be. She didn't care, though; her grief was too deep for her to give appearances any other thought.
She sighed and leaned down to the water bowl that had been left for her and she carefully washed her face. The cold water felt nice on her stinging eyes. She took the towel that was beside the bowl and carefully dried her face and looked in the mirror again. She almost didn't recognize herself these days, her face was gaunt and the sadness in her eyes was impossible to miss.
The knock at the door startled her and she turned to look at it, unsure if she wanted anybody to come in right now. But the second knock made her sigh. "Come in," she said.
Chizu, one of their servants, opened the door and walked in. She was carrying tea and she bowed deeply to her. "I brought you some tea, Princess."
"Thank you," Ursa replied, looking at her. Chizu was an older woman who had been serving the Royal family for many years. There was a kindness in her eyes that Ursa always latched onto.
"You're welcome," she said, placing the tea set down on the table. "It's chamomile, I hope that you like it."
"That's one of my favorite teas," Ursa said with a small smile. She got up from her vanity and went over to the table and knelt down in front of it as Chizu poured the tea for her. "Thank you."
"I hope that I'm not overstepping, but it's going to be okay, Princess. I know that it doesn't feel like it right now…but one day you will hold a baby in your arms and this pain you feel…it won't go away, but it will dull over time." Ursa looked up into her eyes and she could see the same pain reflected in Chizu's eyes that she saw in her own.
"Did you…?" Ursa trailed off, her voice hoarse from holding back the emotion. She didn't want to cry again.
"My first," Chizu looked down for a moment. "A little girl. But I went on to have four strong sons and with each one, the pain hurt a little less. I know that it's still early but I just wanted to give you hope, Princess, that this will pass one day and you will be okay."
"Thank you," Ursa whispered. "Thank you."
Where Ursa's grief seemed to be as deep as the ocean that was outside the beach house, Ozai felt a numbness that had grown more and more each day. He had realized what Ursa didn't, that the baby, this child that they had lost was lost for a reason and that reason was that he wouldn't be strong enough. Ozai thought of Asahi, who seemed strong even though he was just an infant. He was sure that he was going to be a strong bender when he grew bigger. It was reassuring that he had Asahi already but he wasn't going to discount Ursa. She came from a large family, larger than most, and he was sure that she would give him a son before long. It was just going to take some time for her to grow strong again and be ready to try again.
He worried that Ursa's emotions would never recover from this. He had known that women were emotional, women and Iroh, but it had been weeks and Ursa still didn't go through a day without crying. They had been on Ember Island for several days now and she hadn't come out of her room besides dinner and Ozai was starting to grow bored.
He had gone into town for some supplies and to send a letter off to Meiko, he didn't want Ursa to know about her, he knew that in her fragile state she wouldn't be able to handle anything else.
As Ozai walked along the street from the mailing station, he noticed a flyer on the wall and stopped to read it. The Ember Island Players present Love Amongst the Dragons.
"You should come, sir, it's always a good time!" A passing girl said.
Ozai turned his head. He always enjoyed the anonymity that he got when he was on Ember Island.
"You don't say," he said, his lip curling up in a smirk.
"They're pretty good," She confirmed. "I'm sure you would enjoy it."
Ozai doubted it, but perhaps he could convince Ursa to go. It would be good for her to get out of the house.
The Fire Lord's house on Ember Island wasn't as large as the palace but it was larger than most of the houses on the island. It was secluded from the rest of the island and had its own private beach and staff to attend to all of their needs while they were on the island. Even though the home was larger than the home that Ursa had grown up with, it wasn't nearly as big as the palace and much more welcoming. For the first time since Ursa had been married, she felt comfortable and like she wasn't going to get lost going to dinner.
There was something peaceful being the only people in the beach house beside the staff that had come with them. Ursa felt like she could grieve in peace without the judgment of the people that were constantly coming in and out of the palace. If she wanted to stay in bed all day then there was nobody to judge her and if she broke down during dinner the only person that was there to see her was Ozai.
"Is there anything that I can get you, Princess Ursa?" One of the servants asked.
"No thank you," Ursa replied with a weak smile.
The servant bowed and left the room and Ursa was glad for the silence and for being left alone. An unread letter from Iroh was beside her and she didn't know if she could bring herself to read it. It had arrived several days ago and every time she went to read it something stopped her. She felt bad for not reading it sooner but she just…couldn't bring herself to. She knew that the letter would be filled with his condolences and after hearing it from the people at home over and over again, she hadn't wanted to hear it again.
But finally, she decided that enough was enough and she needed to read the letter. So she picked it up and stared down at the familiar handwriting before she began to read.
Dear Ursa,
I wanted to offer you my sincere condolences for the loss of your son. I can only imagine a fraction of the pain that you must be feeling and I wish that I had the words to make it better. Alas, I do not and I know that my words aren't going to take away the pain that you are feeling. Losing my wife was the hardest thing that I ever went through, but I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I won't pretend for a moment to understand the depths of what you must be feeling right now. When I lost my wife the last thing that I wanted was the platitudes from the court but that is all that people know what to do. When something so tragic and traumatic happens people don't know what to say, especially not the people of the Royal court. They are not bad people, just people that haven't faced tragedy and don't know what to do to make it better. I urge you to take your time in Ember Island to grieve in private, away from the nosy people of the court. I wish that I could be there with you and my brother to help you through this time, but know that I am thinking of you, always, and I will keep you in my thoughts.
Love,
Iroh
Ursa let a few tears fall down her cheeks. Leave it to Iroh to know how to make her feel marginally better. He was right that the people back at home didn't know what to say to her or how to behave. The one time that she had gone to tea with the ladies had been the most awkward and horrendous time, far worse than her first tea with them. Ursa had only stayed for a short while and then she had decided to excuse herself after a short time there. It had all just been too much for her. Even though she had only known Iroh for a short while, she felt a kinship with him. Perhaps it was because of her close relationship with Lu Ten, but there was something about Iroh that made her feel comforted.
The door opened and Ozai walked in.
"We're going to a show tonight," he told her.
Ursa raised an eyebrow and was about to open her mouth to say no, but he interrupted her. "You're not saying no. We're going. You haven't left this house since we got here, and they're doing Love Amongst the Dragons, I know that that's one of your favorite books."
"I just don't know…" Ursa trailed off.
"Ursa, you need to start getting out. It's been weeks. If the play is terrible then we can leave but I already bought the tickets. And some girl said that they're pretty good."
Ursa sighed. It was really the last thing that she wanted to do, but she could tell that this was something that Ozai had set his mind to and there was no sense in arguing with him. "Okay. We'll go."
"Great, get up and get ready," Ozai said, turning and walking out of the room.
"It's going to be fun, you'll see," Ozai insisted as they waited in line with their tickets.
Ursa was wearing a simple dress and hadn't done anything with her hair or her makeup, she had refused to get too dressed up, but Ozai had said that she was pretty even though she didn't feel particularly pretty.
"I hope so," Ursa said simply.
"If it's not we'll leave, I promise," he said.
Ursa nodded her head. "Okay. Hopefully, it's good."
The line finally started to move and Ursa looked up at Ozai. She knew that he was trying, and for that, she was forcing herself to feel grateful to him even though she didn't want to go out and she really didn't want to come to see a show. Everyone around her was chatting and it seemed so much louder than normal. She couldn't understand why people were so cheerful and happy even though she had lost her son. It seemed impossible that things were going on as normal when her life was so completely shattered.
"I don't really know what to expect," Ozai said, looking down at her.
"It's a love story about a Dragon Emperor who is turned into a mortal and falls in love with a girl," Ursa explained. It was a simplistic summary but she didn't want to spoil all of the surprises.
"Sounds interesting," Ozai said, sounding less than interested.
Ursa laughed for what felt like the first time since losing the baby. "You're the one who insisted that we come. Having second thoughts?"
"Of course not," Ozai replied.
"Tickets please," the man standing in front of the door said. Ozai handed them their tickets and they walked in.
"We have the booth upstairs," Ozai said.
Ursa raised an eyebrow. "Sounds a little bit extreme."
Ozai shrugged. "Call it a date night," he replied, leaning down and kissing her head. Ursa felt her cheeks turn pink as she noticed a woman staring at them.
"A date night? Sure," Ursa replied.
They went up the steps to the second floor and were lead to the booth. Ozai held the door open for them and she walked in and sat down together. It was rather small, but Ursa was secretly glad for the privacy. Even though they had more anonymity on Ember Island than they did back in Caldera, she still felt like people were watching them and knew what she was going through. It was an irrational thought, she realized, but she couldn't help it.
Suddenly the lights dimmed and Ursa looked at Ozai.
"Ready?" Ozai asked. She nodded her head.
"What did you think?" Ozai asked.
Ursa looked up at him with tears in her eyes. She hadn't expected how emotional she would feel after the play was over. She leaned over and rested her head against him and sniffled a few times.
"It was so beautiful," she said.
Ozai disagreed, he thought that it was a terrible play with terrible actors, but if it got Ursa to smile then he thought that it was worth it. If it got her to cry over something than their son then he thought that it was a good thing. He hadn't seen her so engrossed in something in a long time, and he could tell that it was a distraction for her.
"I'm glad that you liked it," Ozai said, kissing her head.
"Thank you for convincing me to come," Ursa said.
"It wasn't so bad, then?" Ozai asked with a knowing smirk on his lips.
"I didn't say that," Ursa said, but she smiled at Ozai.
"Things will get better, Ursa. You'll see."
Author's Note: And this chapter concludes the first arc of the story. My goal had been to finish this arc before the new year, and I'm coming in under the wire, but it's finished. When we pick up with Ursa and Ozai in the next chapter, some time will have passed and I'm incredibly excited to see where this next arc takes them. I wanted to take a moment to reflect on how thankful I am for every one of you who has stuck with this story through the past seven or eight months. This was the first fanfiction that I've written in years and I am just so thankful for all the people who read, and who continue to review this story every single chapter. You have all made a very shitty year into one that I'm thankful for. I hope that you all have a safe new year, and I will see you in 2021!
