Chapter 46: Learn to Live Without Him
District 12 looks just as desolate as I remember it from the last time I was here, almost a year ago, when Katniss and I took a tour of the devastation soon after fleeing the Quell arena for Thirteen. Our homeland is still mostly covered with ash, the shells of the structures still standing hollow and charred.
Donner Train Station is no more – even miles of track leading into the district were blown out – so the Everdeens, Proximo, my family and I have to be brought in by hovercraft. We are told that more refugees will be arriving to rebuild and set up new lives, but that it could take up to a month or two to get everyone seeking asylum processed. Till then, isolated high on the hill in Victors' Village, we are on our own.
It's been over a month since the Capitol itself fell to the rebels. Our ground forces, led bravely by Commander Paylor, took the city street by bloody street. Coin had initially wanted to send Katniss in with the first wave… and, in a truly incomprehensible move, assign Peeta to active duty with the same unit, even before he has been cleared psychologically fit. For the first time, everyone on Coin's High Command team overruled her order, which we had the power to do. Coin was peeved, but she agreed to the alternative strategy to let Paylor lead the advance team. It turned out to be just as well, for once the Presidential Mansion itself was taken, our forces joined by starving, desperate and angry Capitol citizens (Coin and Paylor had modeled their plan of attack off an insurrection from centuries ago, known as the 2021 storming of the Capitol – which then referred to a building, not the city at large), Katniss was brought safely in by hovercraft to perform what Coin judged to be the final act of the war: assassinating a captured President Snow.
Before the execution was to take place, however, President Coin had issued a meeting with all the surviving Victors of the Hunger Games. There were nine of us at that point: myself, Katniss and Peeta. Beetee. Finnick and Annie. Johanna. Cecelia Rheys-Barsetti, dressed in black and mourning for her second husband. Connor Murphy of 7. In the meeting, Coin laid out a proposal – to hold a final, symbolic Hunger Games, this time using Capitol children.
I was shocked at how many of my Victors readily agreed to it, how close the vote was going to come. Johanna, Connor, and Cecelia all said Yes. Finnick, Annie, Beetee and Peeta voted No.
The vote came down to Katniss and I. My goddaughter surprised me in voting Yes, looking at Peeta – getting better but still not completely himself – as she did so.
I would decide whether one more Hunger Games would be held in Panem. Trapped under Coin's hawk-like stare, I quickly made a strategic move.
"I'm with the Mockingjay," I stated.
Approved 5 to 4, Coin aimed to begin preparations as soon as Snow's execution was over. Imprisoned in his own greenhouse, Snow looked older than I had ever remembered him, when Katniss and I went to visit him. He didn't deserve such pity, the monster, and looked sickly, hacking out coughs stained with blood into a handkerchief.
"Is she worth killing me for?" Snow queried my goddaughter. "Are you willing to be the piece in her Games… when you don't even know which side shot you, down in the District 2 mountain?"
Katniss had glowered at him. "Her Games have much better rules than yours."
"Like revenge?" And Snow had actually chuckled. "Oh, Miss Everdeen, I thought you would have learned something from your godmother here. I thought we agreed not to lie to each other."
We left him in his misery, but Katniss had been unusually quiet.
The morning of the execution, Katniss had entered the City Circle, stringing an arrow into the notch of her bow and taking aim at the disgraced former President of Panem, now lashed to a post. Up in the stands where Snow would often make his tribute parade addresses, I and the other living Victors were standing near Coin.
Even from so far away, I could see, feel Katniss's eyes on mine. I had nodded infinitesimally. Katniss had lifted her bow just a bit.
And fired her arrow – right into President Coin.
Bedlam had ensued after that. The crowd had rushed forward in a mob, lifting a thrashing and screaming Katniss and carrying her on their shoulders. Snow's laughter rang out throughout the circle, then grew quiet; we were only to learn later that he was crushed to death by the oncoming horde.
Katniss had been put on trial, but was eventually cleared of the assassination on the grounds of insanity. For now, Peeta has stayed behind in the Capitol, working under the honest guidance of a reformed Capitol psychiatrist, Dr. Aurelius, to sort out the last of his memories. Katniss had wanted to go and say goodbye to him, but couldn't bear to. It is unclear when, if ever, my son will come home.
Back in the present, life goes on. Refugees eventually start to arrive by the hovercraft and enter the razed landscapes that were once the Seam and Town. As the weeks drag on, they begin repurposing the structures that are still sound and also building new ones. Building new homes and new lives. My family and the Everdeens offer to rent out some of the empty homes in the Victors' Village to these people, but they proudly refuse.
There is one person, however, who – though he does not move in – comes to visit in the Village quite often.
Pollux, the Avox cameraman, has hung up his filming equipment since the end of the war, and has been looking for a fresh start. Katniss is quite happy to see him and is relieved that he survived; his presence here in Twelve seems to bring her out of the depressive funk that has settled over her countenance since arriving home. More than once, seated out on Danny's and my front porch, I have seen Katniss seated on the porch of a mansion across the street (she had elected to move into her own place alone, to give some space to Primrose, her mother and Proximo, who have set up a Healer's clinic in their living room), talking to the bashful and sweet young man in sign language. He makes her laugh. Some mornings, after rising early, I have observed the pair go out to the woods together, so Katniss can teach Pollux how to hunt.
It is around dusk one evening, and I have just returned to the Village from helping Danny and the boys continue construction on the Bakery, which we fully intend to re-open. Pausing over by the fountain, I turn to see Katniss and Pollux returning from another hunt, tired but happy. Katniss is prattling on about something, her mouth moving as fast as her hands as she tries to sign her spoken word to her close friend, who is watching her in rapture.
"I'll set up the snares tomorrow, Pollux. I aim to teach you how to shoot wild turkey, and then we can…" Her voice suddenly trails off, dying in her throat and her hands still along the broad planes of Pollux's chest, as the mute suddenly takes her face in his hands, tilts her head back and kisses her passionately, sweetly, right on the lips.
My goddaughter is completely unprepared for the confessing of his feelings, for this display of affection. Or how Pollux's hands, so deft with a camera, now wind about her waist and so easily entrap her. Even from this slight distance and unseen by them, I can hear Katniss whimper and purr in total surprise at Pollux's kiss. "Hmmm….. Mmmmm…"
After a moment or two, they break apart. Katniss's large grey eyes are blinking rather rapidly, stunned. Her kiss-swollen mouth is agape, and her cheeks are pink and flushing. She stares at Pollux in wonder.
I had seen how Katniss and Pollux became close while we were underground in Thirteen, but had never stopped to consider that Pollux's feelings had shifted to something more.
Stepping back shyly, Pollux signs something to my goddaughter. Her eyes still bulging, still gawping, Katniss signs something back (the patterns of her fingers almost identical to the ones Pollux used to communicate whatever he asked her). Thinking back to one of Katniss's first kisses with my son Peeta, I throw out a guess as to what has now been exchanged:
Can I kiss you again?
May I kiss you again? Katniss was always the talented English student in school.
To my shock, Katniss now nods dumbly. Pollux seems ecstatic as he wraps her in his arms and pulls her close. Eyes drooping, lashes fluttering, Katniss leans in and their lips meet in another, tremulous kiss.
The kiss quickly deepens and the pair become very involved, as Katniss loops her arms around Pollux's neck to embrace him. I watch clandestinely, sad and happy all at once. It is almost rueful, watching Katniss explore deeper feelings for someone all over again.
Just the same, I am relieved that Peeta is not here to see this.
There was a time that I flew higher, was a time the wild girl running free… would be me. Now I see her feel the fire. Now I know she needs me there to share…
Smiling softly, I turn away and creep back into my house, wanting to give the pair some privacy. But if I had continued to observe them through the window, I would have seen Pollux's hands bravely dip lower to caress Katniss's bum through the folds of her dress. I would have seen Katniss bravely raise her leg to his torso and hook it there. I would have seen her lips part and fall open against his, prying open his own so that her tongue can play and taste him where his own tongue – ripped out – cannot. I would have seen them stagger back into the wall at the entrance to the Village, Pollux moving his hips against her center, while Katniss grabs his toned buttocks in her fists and fiercely rocks back. I would have seen them break the kiss at last, gasping for air, Katniss's breasts heaving before she wordlessly takes him by the hand and leads him with purpose into her furnished but empty Victor's mansion, closing the door behind them.
The doting godmother in me just won't leave it alone, and I cross over to Katniss's place later that night to bring her a still-warm supper of the soup Dannel made, knocking once. No answer. Through the door, I can hear groans, grunts and heavy breathing coming from inside.
"Uhhhh….. Huhhhhh… Oooooh… Ahhhh… Yes, yes, fuck me, please…. I need you to fuck me….. harder…. Faster….. faster….." Katniss's voice is breathless and I hear creaking as the pace is quickened.
Damn the consequences. I open the door.
Katniss is spread-eagled in a chair, her creamy thighs splayed wide as Pollux thrusts frantically into her pink, feminine beauty. The skirts of her blue Reaping dress are pushed up around her hips. The bodice has been yanked down from her curved, voluptuous breasts, the purple mounds of her nipples pebbling as Pollux takes one deep into his mouth and sucks. His one hand, large but soft and caring, palms and squeezes Katniss's left breast, and the beautiful woman pressed against him keens into his ministrations with a happy moan. There is a squelching sound as their bare bodies slap together in heat. Sweat mixes and pools between them as Pollux grips the back of the chair and pounds into her faster, Katniss mewling in contentment as she squirms underneath him.
Though cloaked slightly in shadow and in profile, I watch as Pollux's face tightens and contorts. He cannot make any sounds as he cums deep inside her, so Katniss makes enough noise for the both of them as, with a whimper, she cums undone all around him a moment later.
Pollux soon pulls out from where he has been sitting astride my goddaughter's hips, and turns. In the middle of wiping his member clean of sticky juices, he staggers back in shock, a silent yelp unable to come out.
A hand brushing against her swollen and sticky cunt to also cleanse herself, Katniss freezes and lets out a mortified squeak, frantically moving to redress herself in her old, blue Reaping frock.
"Auntie!" she squeaks. "Don't you know how to….?"
I cock one eyebrow. "I did knock."
Katniss and Pollux both look at each other, both pink in the face. Pollux looks the most chastened between the pair, and even eyes me a little fearfully. I just smile at him knowingly. "Evening, Pollux."
He signs something back before turning to Katniss, taking her hand. Holding his eyes, she nods and signs something to him. Pollux smiles and brushes his lips against hers, kissing her goodnight.
"Good… goodnight," Katniss smiles weakly, signing with her hands as her lover takes his leave.
There is silence for a while after Pollux departs. Katniss is eyeing me nervously, wringing her hands a little.
"Are you angry with me?"
I shrug. "Why would I be angry?" I cross past her to place the pot of soup on the stove and ladle some of it into a bowl. "A woman has needs. Desires. It isn't wrong to want to have then sated."
I can feel Katniss watching me, still hesitant. Finally, she gets out:
"Pollux is sweet. He's kind, and he's gentle with me."
Evidently, she's not going to broach the ghost in the room. So I'll do it. "You used to say the same about my son."
Katniss whimpers at the reference, but finally manages. "I need to be away from him, Auntie. I need some time without Peeta, and I think he needs some time away from me. He has to find himself."
"So if and until he does, and finds his way back here… what then?" I float casually.
Another beat. "I…. I don't know." Turning back, I can see her biting her lip. "Please don't judge me…"
"I'm not judging you," I smile at her. I lay a hand on her shoulder. "Katniss: if the love is worth it…. no matter who it's with… then fight for it. Follow your heart. Someone once said you have plenty of love to give, so even if there's someone whom you'll be unable to love…. in a certain way…. That person will survive. Because you'll care for them anyway, no matter what your feelings. You're the most caring person I know."
A/N: Song Credit: I Miss the Mountains from Next to Normal.
